Homestuck the Novel
by HALLOFdoor
Summary: A tale about a boy and his friends and a game they play together. But in novel form. (For people who don't want to read the webcomic)
1. Book 1 Chapter 1: John Egbert

Hello everyone! This is Morn here, also known as HALLOFdoor or Ostrich. This is pure unadulterated Homestuck. Thus, all credit goes to Andrew Hussie this time. I am not the creative genius here. He is. :)

So far, I only have the first four books uploaded, but I have the story written up until somewhere in Act 6.

Please review and point out errors so I can fix them! And enjoy.

Please PM me if you would like to read the full version and/or the unformatted version (with color!) on Google Docs.

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Book 1: The Note Desolation Plays

Chapter 1: John Egbert

A young boy stood in his room, looking around contentedly and with an expression of pure excitement apparent upon his face. It was his birthday, April 13th, and, although he had been given life 13 years before, it was only today that he would receive a name. On his door was a poster that read "SBURB Beta" and had a logo of a green house of some sort on it. He squinted at it through his glasses. Hmm…

The boy stood and awaited his name. Zoosmell Pooplord? No, too ornery. John Egbert? Sure. The boy smiled in appreciation at his new name and looked around his room.

The first thing he noted was the sheer number of cakes in his room. Well, there really only were two, but John made a big deal of the cakes and made it seem as though there were more than there were in reality. Putting the cakes out of his mind for the moment, John thought about his interests. He liked really terrible movies, programming computers (although he wasn't very good at it), paranormal lore, and magic. In fact, he was an aspiring magician. And he liked to play games.

John attempted to remove his arms from his dresser drawer before realizing that his arms were in his magic chest. He turned to look at the chest. It was white, and covered in yellow stars and a crescent moon. One of the cakes was on it; the other was on his dresser.

John opened the chest and, using his real arms, took out his fake arms that he used for hilarious antics. He then promptly captchalogued them in his sylladex, a thing that he didn't understand just yet. I mean, what's a "sylladex"? And how do you "captchalogue" something?

In any case, John looked into his chest and inspected the contents. He kept an array of humorous and mystical artifacts, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a skilled magician or a cunning prankster. …John was neither of those things.

The so-called "artifacts" included: a pair of fake arms (captchalogued in John's sylladex), a pair of trick handcuffs, a stunt sword, a magician's hat, a pair of beagle puss glasses, several smoke pellets and blood capsules, and a copy of _Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery_ as well as a copy of _Wise Guy_ by Harry Anderson. John stowed the smoke pellets on one of the captchalogue cards in his sylladex. He still didn't understand what that meant, but at least he was getting the hang of the vernacular. It was at this point that John realized that he still had two empty captchalogue cards left.

John decided to equip the fake arms. It wasn't certain if the verb "equip" was exactly copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which John dwelled, but it didn't seem to matter anyway, seeing as John couldn't equip the fake arms. They were stuck under the card with the smoke pellets in it. That would mean that John would have had to use the smoke pellets first in order to gain access to the arms, which was something that he wasn't exactly keen on doing, as that would have filled up his room with smoke. The reason that John couldn't just equip the arms was that his sylladex's fetch modus was dictated by the logic of a stack structure. He wasn't really ever good at dealing with data structures, finding the concept puzzling and mildly irritating. Maybe in the future, he could advance more practical fetch modi for his sylladex with a bit more experience, but for the time being, he had to settle with the obnoxious stack data structure in use.

John examined his Problem Sleuth poster, wondering if it was at all possible to get any more hard boiled than this. He doubted it. On the right of the poster was an empty space for another one to go. John simply hadn't received the perfect one yet. There was a note on the dresser, which John read eagerly.

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON._

_I AM SO PROUD OF YOU._

It was from his father, smelling of the rich aromas of fatherly aftershave and cologne. The note was sitting next to a rolled-up poster. John was sure it was perfect for his wall, especially because it was from his Dad. John captchalogued the poster, wondering what could possibly be on it. He first needed a way to hang it up on the wall. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to see it.

Thus, John looked around for a hammer and some nails. He mysteriously found them in a place they hadn't been before, taking the hammer. This filled up his sylladex, which consisted of the fake arms, the smoke pellets, the poster, and now the hammer. That meant that John couldn't captchalogue the nails… or could he? He figured it couldn't hurt to try.

John captchalogued the four nails into the top card of his sylladex. The fake arms were pushed out of his sylladex, landing unceremoniously in a heap on the ground.

"Oh well," he said. "I guess it doesn't really matter. They're probably completely useless anyway and I don't want to do that again." The reason for this was that, of course, the smoke pellets were in the last card. In any case, John felt that he had gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing he did, whatever it was, would certainly be exceptionally meaningful.

Except for the fact that the next thing that John considered doing was not exceptionally meaningful, nor could it ever be construed as exceptionally meaningful in any way. He decided to squawk like an imbecile and shit on his desk. The only problem would be that that would be a stupid idea - the most stupid idea John had had all week, in fact. STUPID STUPID STUPID! And yet he looked at the polished surface of his desk. It beckoned to him.

As a distraction, John merged the top two cards of his sylladex. He didn't know he could do that! However, that allowed them to be used together, for what it was worth. And it was worth quite a lot apparently, because now John could hang up the poster. He used the hammer and nails in conjunction with the card beneath it to hang the poster to the wall. The _Little Monsters_ poster was glorious. Exactly what John had wanted. His old man had really come through this time.

John looked over at his _Con Air_ poster. _Put the bunny back in the box. I said, put the bunny back in the box. Why couldn't you put the bunny back in the box? _Greatest, fucking movie of all time! John looked at his next poster, which was of _Deep Impact_. Wonderful movie. Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis. _OCEANS RISE. CITIES FALL. HOPE SURVIVES. _Wow. Films about impending apocalypse fascinated John. Plus, a black president? Now he'd seen everything. Next to the _Deep Impact _poster was John's calendar. He'd marked the 13th of April, today, and also the 10th of April, the purported arrival of the highly touted SBURB Beta Launch. But it had already been three days, and it was starting to become a sore subject with him.

John looked over at the cake on his dresser, wondering if he should eat it. Nah, he was sick of cake. And he had no intention of clogging his sylladex with it either. The cake stayed put for now.

Suddenly, John's computer started to go off. Someone was messaging him. He pulled up to his computer, where he spent most of his time.

The desktop background he had made himself. It consisted of a strange green ghost slime, much like the one on his shirt, popping out of a blurry real-life still. On his desktop sat the computer System, his web browser Typheus, his chat client Pesterchum 6.0, and three programs labeled: pff. ^CAKE, FUCK FUCK FUCK. ^CAKE, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH ~ATH.

John's Pesterchum application was flashing. Someone was trying to get in touch with him. John pulled up the application window and saw that only one of his chums was online. He'd sent John a message.

John opened the message. It read:

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 16:13 - **

**TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today**

**EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.**

**TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here**

**EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?**

**TG: but **

**TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken**

**TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory**

**EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?**

**EB: try using your brain numbnuts.**

**TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like**

**TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous**

**EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.**

**TG: ok i can accept that **

**TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters**

**TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face**

**TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it**

**TG: did you get the beta yet**

**EB: no.**

**EB: did you?**

**TG: man i got two copies already**

**TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring**

**TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro?**

**EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now**

**EB: alright.**

John peeked out his window, admiring the view of his yard. Hanging from the tree in front of his house was his tire swing. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing was like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, he could hardly be considered a terribly proper gentleman at all. Over by John's driveway sat his mailbox. Looking closer, John saw that the little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it was called was flipped up. What the hell was that thing called anyway? But, in any case, John didn't have time for semantics. The red flippy-lever thing meant that he had new mail. And that meant that the Beta could be there!

John was about to go out and retrieve the mail when his Dad appeared in the driveway. He'd returned from the grocery and was now beating him to the mail. John forgot about retrieving the mail and decided to check it later. If he went downstairs to get it, it was likely that his Dad would monopolize hours of his time. John decided to chill in his room for a while and wait for the dust to settle.

Sometimes John felt like he was trapped in his room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense that perhaps bordered on the titular. John's computer began to go off again, signifying that **TG** was pestering him again. The clockwork of friendship turned ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever-dealies of harassment in perpetuity. But he could hold his damn horses. John wanted to look at the CD's on his rack.

On his rack were an assortment of video games that John loved to play on his computer. Among them were _Bard Quest_, _The Caper Havens: The Video Game_, _Problem Sleuth_, _And It Don't Stop_, _Jailbreak_, _Ghostbusters II MMORPG, Little Monsters: The Video Game_, and Harry Anderson's _Call My Bluff_ game. John had put countless manhours into acquiring this assortment of quality titles.

Upon having inspected the CD's on his rack, John decided that he wanted to read _Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery_. He wanted to consult the Colonel's bottomless wisdom and… good god that book is huge. It could kill a cat if John dropped it. But in order to really dig into the book, John would have to captchalogue it. He was not sure he was ready to logjam all of the other captchalogued items beneath it just yet.

John thought about captchaloguing the fake arms again, and then realized that it wasn't worth the… Oh, Jesus. In a momentary lapse of concentration, John captchalogued the fake arms again. In anger, John hopped onto his computer, pulled up the Pesterchum client and set his mood to Bully. He didn't quite want to go as far as setting it to Rancorous as the situation was not exactly dire.

The mood system on Pesterchum went from Chummy to Rancorous in this order: Chummy, Palsy, Chipper, Bully, Peppy, Rancorous. The logo, a yellow smiley face, was the same for all of them but for Rancorous, whose logo was a red angry face. Bully would have to do, John supposed. Unsurprisingly, his logo didn't change. Oh, right, John had forgotten about **TG** pestering him again.

**TG: is it there**

**TG: plz say yes**

**TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it**

**TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her**

**TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything**

**EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.**

**TG: thank you**

**EB: jk haha.**

**EB: no, i don't have it yet.**

**EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there.**

**EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.**

**EB: it's so frustrating.**

**TG: whats your modus**

**EB: what?**

**TG: how do you retrieve artifacts from it**

**EB: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out.**

**TG: stack? hahahahahaha**

**EB: what is yours?**

**TG: hash map**

**TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome**

**EB: what the hell is that?**

**TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures**

**EB: i guess.**

**TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus**

**EB: no.**

**TG: it could free up a card for you**

**TG: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle**

**TG: which is never**

**TG: what have you got**

**EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms.**

**TG: wow you really suck at this dont you**

**TG: just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus**

**EB: how?**

**TG: i dont know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works**

John thought about the best course of action, finally deciding to stick the arms in the cake on his bed. He did so, making the cake at least 300% more hilarious. He wasn't sure of the exact amount, but he was sure that Colonel Sassacre would have.

John then proceeded to check the back of his strife specibus for the kind abstratus he had in mind for it. Wow! So much to choose from. There was pizzactrkind, batkind, rollpinkind, bookkind, razorkind, peprmillkind… but John had a hammer, so he selected hammerkind.

Suddenly, John's strife specibus was allocated with the hammerkind abstratus. The hammer in his inventory was moved from his captchalogue deck to his strife deck.

**EB: ok, i did it.**

**TG: hammerkind?**

**EB: yeah.**

**TG: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus**

**TG: i guess i should have mentioned that**

**EB: uh...**

**TG: hope you like hammers dude!**

**EB: yeah, that's fine i guess. i can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.**

Finally, John captchalogued the Colonel's book, deciding that with all the free space in his sylladex, he should start squandering it immediately. Ordinarily, the book would be way too heavy to carry around in a practical way. John supposed that this was one respect in which the cards presented some convenience.

John began to look around for some more stuff to fill up his sylladex with. On his desk sat GameBro Magazine, a game review magazine. The front was entitled: SBURB: _Why the "Game of the Year" or whatever isn't as good as some other stuff I like better._ John opened the book and read the main article within.

So ok.

SBURB is this game that a lot of cats seem hella pumped of. And this beta is sitting on my desk for review, so I'm like, yeah man I'll write something.

But I don't know. I'm like, so is this about houses or some noise? That's fine, I'm sure that's like fucking dynamite in a handbag for some brosephs. But all I'm saying is, when do you get to _**thrash **_anything? While you're playing house or some shit, are you ever in jeopardy of getting mud on your doll's dress or whatever from busting out, and I quote, "the mad stunts all wicked up-ins"?

Know what I'm saying, Bro-Yo Ma? I didn't actually play this game, but I gave it 1.5 hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.

At this point I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Dennis who was over the other day. We were going to chill in front of the Dark Knight and he was so psyched of it y'all.

So this one time he was leaning against the screen door and the shit popped open, and the back deck was wet and he slipped down the steps and broke his thumb on the lawn. It wasn't a long fall, but hey I guess a thumb bone wasn't meant for supporting the brunt of a huge useless tool against wet grass. We never did watch Dark Knight on account of Ron trucking his bawling candy-ass girth to the hospital.

But it's cool, I still got another watch in me, Brotel Rwanda.

(BRO-NOTES: Dennis was so wasted, ha ha. I mean damn.)

Rating for SBURB: 1.5 hats

John captchalogued the magazine, figuring that it might come in handy if he ever needed something that burned easily. John then turned and captchalogued his magician's hat to wear and fool his father when he went downstairs. Except the hat alone wouldn't do it. John almost captchalogued the beagle puss as well, before remembering that if he did so, the smoke pellets would get expelled from his sylladex and fill his room with smoke. However, he was able to merge the beagle puss with the hat, producing the Clever Disguise.

John donned the Clever Disguise, thus temporarily removing the card containing the disguise from his sylladex and freeing up the card beneath it. In this case, the freed card contained GameBro Magazine.

"John? Who is this John you speak of? I am quite certain there never has been, nor ever will be…" John trailed off. "Yeah, this disguise is pretty shitty. Whatever."

John exited his room and entered the hallway. On one wall hung a picture of a man who sure knew how to have a laugh, a man after John's own heart. He looked a bit like Michael Cera, but John's Dad swore on the many hallowed tombs of Egypt that it wasn't. On the other wall was one of John's Dad's stupid clowns. Or harlequins, as he was quick to correct anyone who would venture such a brazen assumption.

John proceeded down the stairs, the accursed odor of fresh baking wafting into the large nostrils of the Clever Disguise. Something was very obviously brewing in the kitchen. It must have been the connivings of John's arch nemesis, Betty Crocker, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stank to high heaven. John's mission to retrieve the beta was going to be a bit more difficult than he had imagined.


	2. Book 1 Chapter 2: First Strife

Chapter 2: First Strife

In the family room sat John's Dad's collection of fanciful harlequin statuettes. Fucking garbage. John hated the things. I mean, funny was funny, but John's Dad could be a real cornball sometimes. At night, sometimes, John would pray for burglars to take away the statuettes.

Next to the harlequin collection sat the fireplace, a bright orange flame flickering away within. It didn't matter that it was April and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a fireplace needed a fire, because that's what fireplaces are for. A fire belongs in a fireplace, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception. As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays. "The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun" (Mark Twain). John was certain that Mark Twain had said that.

John tossed GameBro Magazine into the fire, although it didn't burn as quickly as he had hoped. Each magazine was guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. For big ups to Mother Earth, yo. While it burned, John examined the sacred urn containing his departed Nanna's ashes. When his father gave the portrait above the fireplace a wistful glance now and then, John could tell it brought back painful memories. A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged Colonel Sassacre's. He never wanted to talk about it. In his reminiscing stupor, John accidentally toppled the urn, spilling ash everywhere. In retrospect, upon mulling over cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, the current outcome had been a virtual certainty. John decided that he had better clean it up before his Dad found it.

But before John cleaned it up, there were some things he wanted to do first. He combined his father's pipe, which had been sitting on a little end table, with the Clever Disguise, beefing it up so that he would be even more unrecognizable. Next, he went up to the oversized gift in the middle of the room and inspected it closely. There was a tag hanging from it that said:

_CHAMP._

_YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT._

_I BELIEVE IN YOU._

Contemplating what exactly could be inside the box was exciting, but it undoubtedly made John a bit nervous at the same time. He slowly tore off the paper and revealed what was inside. Oh hell no. It was a giant harlequin doll. Great, what was John going to do with it? He propped it up on the couch so that it wasn't lying on the floor with its legs all akimbo, which had struck John as unseemly.

Then John remembered the ashes. He captchalogued the ashes that were spilled everywhere to his available card and merged the sacred urn with them. Most of the ash ended up back in the urn, but a lot of it was on top of the urn and around it in a big messy pile. John realized that using a broom and dustpan would have been tidier. John put the urn back on top of the fireplace. No one would be the wiser. Except for maybe people with eyes.

John suddenly had a brilliant idea. He ran back up to his room and grabbed the fake arms from the cake and captchalogued them with his free card again. Pesterchum was acting up again, but John wanted to look around his room one more time. This time at the other side. There was his closet and a bunch of posters that had not been mentioned before. But Pesterchum was getting annoying, so John sat at his computer and looked at who it was. Oh, it was someone else this time: tentacleTherapist, or **TT**.

**TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.**

**EB: that's an ugly rumor.**

**EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar.**

**EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever.**

**TT: I can't control myself. **

**TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks. **

**EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it.**

**EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb**

**TT: John.**

**EB: what?**

**TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?**

**TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.**

**EB: no, why would you even think that?**

**EB: that's so stupid.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father?**

**EB: alright, wish me luck.**

**EB: oh, btw...**

**EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.**

**EB: gotcha! hehehehe**

**TT: I know, John.**

John then proceeded to carry out the brilliant plan with the fake arms. There was just enough frosting on the fake arms to attach them to the armless giant harlequin doll downstairs. He stuck the arms onto the doll, not caring what Colonel Sassacre had to say. The arms made it at least a million percent funnier.

Wait what? There was a random piece of paper sitting on the ground. John looked at it. Broblerone of Switzerland, it read. It must have fallen out of GameBro. John tossed it into the fire where it belonged. He tossed the gift wrap from the harlequin doll into the fire as well.

John wondered if he could captchalogue the doll, but it was too big to fit in his sylladex. Besides, why would he even want it? He looked at his captchalogued items: Colonel Sassacre and the smoke pellets. He opened the book to a page entitled _The Creepy-Crawlies!_

Hell's bells, we are having a mighty sporting time of it!

Hold fast, my intrepid fellow prank-smiths! We've merely nicked the mahogany of our japing chests.

If I may direct the incisive ogle of your beagle puss to the wriggling regency of rubber bugs, plastic parasites, squirming serpents, pliable pests, and every such order and phyls of creepy-crawlie!

Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!

In further exhibits we shall dwell on artifice useful to your exploits. Is your pappy's rod and reel handy? What about a bit of iron cord; it shouldn't prove elusive. Bring those writhing rascals to life, and set the nerves of some old maid to the to the wreck of Hesperus!

Do you have a bothersome aunt who never seems troubled to find ways with your sunny afternoons? A broad, splintery fence. A bucket of whitewash perhaps?

By gum you'll fix her wagon!

And what of that tawny gent who puts his lackadaisical lean near the sarsaparilla font? You'll have that listless octoroon find the spring in his step just yet!

_Um maybe I should consult the text later, _John thought. _This text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion._

Instead of continuing to fool around, John decided to confront his father about the mail. There were two doorways he could choose to enter through. The door on the left led to the kitchen, from which the smell of baking wafted - a powerful aroma which could have lifted an especially portly hobo off his feet. The door on the right led to the study, where John's Dad spent a lot of his time. He could have been in either room, but John chose to enter the study.

The study, however, was empty. John looked at his father's desk, upon which sat a deck of playing cards, one of his Dad's pipes, the April issue of The Serious Jester Magazine, and a stray captchalogue card. There was also a can of peanuts.

"Ha ha," John laughed. "Oh, dad. I won't be falling for that one again any time soon." It really was quite difficult to cope with a severe peanut allergy.

Next to the desk stood his Dad's hat rack. John removed the bowler hat from the rack and placed the magician's hat on it. He combined the bowler hat with the Clever Disguise, making it somewhat less funny, but significantly more distinguished looking. John considered combining the pipe on the desk with his disguise as well, but the first one tasted bad enough as it was. How he suffered for his comedy.

John's Dad maintained numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe was like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE WAS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASKED JOHN.

John looked at the captchalogue card. Yes! This would be perfect for expanding the space in his sylla… ARGH! John captchalogued the captchalogue card. To calm himself down, he proceeded to play a piece on the piano entitled Showtime. Its haunting refrain soothed his frustrated spirit. But it wasn't enough, so John decided to play 52 Pick-up with the deck of cards on his father's desk. 52 Pick-up was his father's favorite game, but he was alone, rendering the game an especially foolish version of Solitaire. SO STUPID. Look at that mess on the floor. The peanut gallery over by the wall, consisting of a picture of a jester dude and The Joker from Batman, sure was getting a kick out of this whole thing. John was allergic to its scorn.

With a sigh, John returned to the living room. On the television across from the harlequin doll, a commercial for Hi-C Ectocooler was airing. John contemplated leaving the house and checking the mailbox outside. He wanted to exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a Dad encounter.

John exited the house and opened the mailbox. Predictably, it was empty. John had already been scooped by his father.

The streets of John's neighborhood were empty. Wind skimmed the voids, keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note was produced. It was the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

It was John's thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something felt missing from his life. The game presently eluding him was only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes were those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle was Absence itself. It was a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It was the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire" (Walt Whitman).

Yes, John was certain Walt Whitman had said that. One hundred percent positive.

He had a feeling it was going to be a long day. An arm sticking through a blue portal appeared in the sky.

On another note (certainly not the one desolation played), John wondered if he should leave a surprise for the mailman. N… No! Absolutely not.

Wait a second. John peeked through the window of his Dad's car to see if the man had left the mail behind. Hmm… there was a green package on the passenger seat on top of what looked like a small slip of paper. John couldn't get in the car to see what it was, though, because the door was locked and his Dad had the keys. Could those items have come in the mail? John didn't see anything else that was usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. He supposed it was possible that his Dad had forgotten about the package and piece of paper.

John peered through the kitchen window to try to see if the mail was there, but because his Dad had been doing so much baking, the glass had steamed up. God he was so weird. But John could see what was on the table just beside the window. It would appear that the mail was there! Included among it was a red package, some bills, his Dad's PDA, an envelope that appeared to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB logo, one of those… Hey, wait. Could it be? Unfortunately, the window was locked. An encounter with his Dad was inevitable now. Best not to put it off any longer. He was going in. It was time for the Clever Disguise to work its magic.

As soon as John entered the room, his Dad turned and saw right through the Clever Disguise! John didn't know what he was thinking with that foolish ruse! He unequipped the Clever Disguise and placed it back into his sylladex, which contained, in addition to the disguise, the captchalogued captchalogue card from the study, Colonel Sassacre, and the smoke pellets. John's Dad held a cake in his hand - a dreaded artifact of confection. He stood between the boy and the mail. There was only one way to settle this.

**STRIFE!**

John began by aggrieving with a very strong Auto-pastry attack. His dad then used Guardian Rubric: Coddlebrand, a DOMESTIC attack, which John abjured. This was ridiculous. John attempted to abscond, but he could not. His pesky guardian blocked his path. He would have to engineer some form of distraction. Oh god. John's Dad brandished yet another artifact of confection, a pie! The man was ruthless. John realized that he had better brace himself for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible. He equipped the beagle aegis again, which absorbed the brunt of the treat. John's Dad enjoyed the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as was usually the case.

John captchalogued the pie tin and unequipped the beagle puss. Everything in his sylladex was pushed back a card, expelling the smoke pellets. Yes! This could be just the distraction he was… Nothing happened. Wow. What a huge letdown. There was only one thing to do now.

John acceded to his Dad's nonverbal request that he take the cake. "When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield" (Oscar Wilde). Wise words by a man who likely could resist anything but temptation. Upon captchaloguing the cake, the Colonel Sassacre's Text was ejected from his sylladex. The book landed on the smoke pellets, setting them off. Sassacre, you beautiful bastard. Now was his chance.

John's Dad was busy placating the smoke detector, so John could safely sneak away. He snagged his Dad's PDA. Maybe later he would switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later. In captchaloguing the PDA, the captchalogued captchalogue card was forced out of the sylladex, and consequently integrated with the deck. John now had five cards to work with. He took the red package on the table, which was addressed to him, and then the envelope with the SBURB logo on it. It was the SBURB Beta! Yes! The beagle aegis was expelled from his sylladex. John left the kitchen and captchalogued the cake with one of the fake arms in it from the couch next to the harlequin doll. The pie tin was expelled from his sylladex.

John decided to merge the two cakes in his sylladex (the one at the beginning and the one at the end) to make an awesome double decker cake! But… everything in his sylladex got squished between the two cakes in the process. Ugh… why didn't he think these things through first?

He retreated upstairs to go into the bathroom and fix the mess by dissecting the cake. At the main juncture, he proceeded to his right and entered the side hallway. To his left was the door to the bathroom. To his right was his Dad's room. It was locked, and John was forbidden from ever entering. His Dad had secrets.

John entered the bathroom. Through a window, he could see his back yard. The jewel in its crown was the swing set which had provided him with years of joy. There was also a spring-mounted pogo ride that was just like the ghost slime on his shirt. The pogo ride had been responsible for more than one painful injury, and had provided him with years of lament. On the bathroom sink was John's Dad's razor and on a rack to the side was a fresh towel.

John took the razor and used it to perform surgery on the cake. He then took the towel and cleaned off the extracted goods with it. He took the PDA, package, and Beta, forcing the manhandled cake out of his sylladex and into the toilet. And just like that, his sylladex was full again. God that thing was annoying.

John left the bathroom, turned out of the side hallway, and crossed the main hallway to his room. There were two chums pestering him on his computer, but he ignored them for the moment, examining his _Failure to Launch_ poster. He wasn't generally into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage. The wall upon which that movie poster sat was his "McConaughey Wall," a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above _Failure to Launch_ was better, John thought.

CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up] NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE.

You got us, Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism. Damn you are good!

Okay. That was enough. John looked at his computer.

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 16:34 - **

**GG: hi happy birthday john! 3**

**GG: helloooooo?**

**GG: ok i will talk to you later! :D**

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 16:56 - **

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 16:40 - **

**TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden**

**TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something**

**TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies**

**TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit**

**TG: dude what are you doing**

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **is now an idle chum! - **

**EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me. **

**EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.**

**TG: no stop**

**TG: just no**

**TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them**

**TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold **

**EB: mcconaughey.**

**TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make **

**TG: ie dumb**

**TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up**

**EB: those are my dad's.**

**TG: i was talking about nick cage**

**EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.**

**TG: ha ha so lame**

**TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it**

**TG: hahaha**

**EB: i do things ironically sometimes.**

**EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday?**

**TG: no those are awesome**

**EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it?**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you?**

**TG: im wearing them ironically**

**TG: because theyre awesome**

**TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome**

**TG: and vice versa**

**TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool? jesus get a fucking pen**

**EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.**

**TG: ew yeah**

**TG: oh well**

**TG: anyway speaking of which**

**TG: did you get the mail**

**EB: yeah.**

**TG: did there happen to be a package there**

**EB: yeah, there's a big red one.**

**TG: you should probably open it**

**EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta.**

**TG: oh man the beta came**

**EB: yeah! wanna play it?**

**TG: haha no way**

**EB: why not!**

**TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that**

**EB: where'd she go.**

**TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess**

**TG: probably be back online soon**

**TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus?**

**TG: seriously dude**

**TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous**

**EB: ok, i will.**

John decided to space out on his computer for a second before doing anything important. He opened the Typheus web browser and directed it to what was indisputably the most amazing website ever created: .

**Midnight Crew**

You are members of a sinister gang called the midnight crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in their complexity. Your schemes convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?

Eh… the new adventure was okay, but John wasn't sure if he liked it as much as the last one. Okay, it was time for less meta and more beta. John inserted the CD and began to install the SBURB Beta.

What the fuck was this?

SBURB CLIENT:

SBURB VERSION 0.0.1

© SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

SBURB client is running.

Waiting for server to establish connection…

Whatever. While John waited for the "server to establish connection," he figured he might as well go and bone up on data structures. He went to his closet, where he kept a lot of clothes and an array of handy computer programming guides: _Data Structures, Discrete Mathematics, ^CAKE, ~ATH, DIS*, AUTOMATA…_

John took out his book about Data Structures. It was more correctly titled _Data Structures for Assholes _by Buckminster Funnyuncle. On the book was a picture of a green disgusted face. There was a speech bubble coming from the face, saying "Your ignorance just made me throw up a little. Get a clue, you computer-illiterate piece of shit." There was a quote by the author in the top right corner of the cover, saying "I think my rage just crapped its pants." On the bottom left corner was a little star saying "FREE FETCH MODUS IN BACK!"

John wasn't really sure he wanted to dig into the huge tome just yet. It looked really boring. And kind of ornery. Maybe he'd just check out that free fetch modus instead. John turned to the back cover of the book, where a free fetch modus sat within a plastic sleeve. This one was dictated by the logic of a queue data structure, operating on a "First In, First Out" method rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a stack. It was an orange fetch modus card, with the label "FIFO" on it.

John applied the FIFO fetch modus to his sylladex, thus rendering items captchalogued in it no longer immediately accessible. He could only use the bottom card, and had to wait for items on upper cards to be pushed down to it. For instance, the red package was now inaccessible. The only thing he could use was the razor at the moment. This modus didn't strike John as a significant upgrade to his previous one. In fact, it almost seemed more inconvenient.

John wondered if he could switch back to FILO, but would it even be possible? He didn't even remember if he'd ever had a physical card for the stack modus. He found this all to be a little abstract and preferred not to think about it anymore. John tried to put down the razor, but how would he have done that? He didn't know. He wasn't quite sure he understood. John wanted to get to the package, however, so he captchalogued the cake on the dresser. He had finally found a use for all of those loitering pastries: dead weight. John took the other cake from the bed, expelling the razor into McConaughey's face. Oh good lord. THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE. John wished the razor would have _failed to launch_.

John needed to acquire more stuff, though, to get the package out of his inventory. He opened his magic chest and captchalogued _Wise Guy_ by Harry Anderson. And there went the fresh towel. It floated down onto his head. John took the trick handcuffs, expelling the PDA like a bullet. It smashed through the window, landing it along with various shards of glass at the edge of his yard. Oh God dammit.

John examined the package. It was from one of his internet chums, **TG**. It was bound in packing tape, though. He needed something sharp to open it. Ah, of course! The razor! It was all so simple, he wondered why he hadn't…

As soon as John removed the razor from the _Time to Kill_ poster, it went into his sylladex, expelling the package. It bonked him on the head. Ow. He picked up the package again, ducked to the side, and the cake from his dresser shot out of his sylladex, smashing against McConaughey's face again. Sigh. John decided to take it from the top.

He captchalogued three glass shards in quick succession and ducked for cover. The other cake, the trick handcuffs, and the _Wise Guy_ book smashed through the window and into the front yard. And now that John's cards were packed with glass, he probably didn't want to do that again anytime soon. He should get that stuff in the front before he forgot.

For the time being, though, John used the razor on the red package, opening it. There was something suspicious inside. Something suspiciously dirty and smelly…

It was a stuffed bunny! Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no. It wasn't merely _like_ that bunny. According to this note of authenticity, it was the very same bunny. This was so awesome!

John's computer appeared to be trying to get his attention, so John looked at the monitor.

Client has established connection with host.

Press [Enter] when ready.

John's Pesterchum was also flashing, so he opened the window.

**- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 17:08 - **

**TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.**

**TT: I'm going to try to connect.**

**EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.**

**TT: The rabbit?**

**EB: SO SWEET.**

**TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.**

**EB: ha ha, what?**

**TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?**

**EB: oh the game, ok.**

**EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here?**

**TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.**

**EB: oh, ok then.**

**TT: Why don't we get started?**

John pressed the Enter key on his keyboard.


	3. Book 1 Chapter 3: SBURB

Chapter 3: SBURB

The loading screen consisted of strange green circular and elliptical patterns floating around in multi-colored space. Spirographs? John wasn't sure. Finally, the loading screen faded to black and the word SBURB appeared.

There were seven interface buttons: Select, Revise, Deploy, Phernalia Registry, Grist Cache, Explore Atheneum, and Alchemy Excursus. What they meant, **TT**, who was hosting the game,had no idea.

**TT **selected the magic chest and lifted it from the ground. She clicked the turn button, changing her view of John's room, and zoomed out. She dropped the chest on the roof and it slid down a bit before stopping from the friction.

**EB: whoa, what are you doing?**

**TT: Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls.**

**EB: is my magic chest on the roof now?**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: :(**

**TT: I will try to be more careful next time.**

John looked behind him and saw that where his magic chest had been previously was the FILO card. He picked it up and quickly reapplied it to his sylladex. He could now opt for either the stack modus or the queue modus at any time. He toggled between his fetch modi with gleeful abandon.

Suddenly, he heard a car pulling out of the driveway and peeked out the window. It would seem that John's Dad was leaving again for more baking supplies. John was relieved to have the whole house to himself again, if only for a few minutes. He just hoped his Dad didn't notice the magic chest on the roof. Or all the shit he'd thrown out the window, for that matter. Oh wait. The shit he'd thrown out the window! He'd forgotten about it!

**EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?**

**EB: can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me?**

**TT: I'll give it a shot.**

**EB: thx!**

**TT: No luck.**

**TT: It appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the "player".**

**EB: :C**

**TT **attempted to select John, but in SBURB, you cannot select the player. Thus, John abjured the meddlesome SBURB logo cursor. Instead, she selected the bunny and PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX! Now what? She wondered a bit. What were all of these other tools? She clicked the revise tool and dragged a little square out to the side. The room suddenly expanded as a floor and a roof were placed where she had drawn the square and walls connected the edges.

And what was the Phernalia Registry? She clicked on the icon and a drop-down menu appeared with three items in it. The first was a tube-like item on a pedestal entitled the "Cruxtruder." The second looked like a rather complicated sewing machine entitled the "Totem Lathe." The third and final item was a large circular pedestal with a vertical pipe coming out of its base entitled the "Alchemiter." To the right of the three items was a "more" arrow, but it was grayed out. It clearly wasn't clickable.

**TT **used the deploy tool to drop the totem lathe in the new area of the room. It seemed to fit perfectly. John went over and looked at it. What was this thing? He didn't know what the heck this thing did, but it looked cool.

Next, **TT **looked at the Grist Cache. A large screen popped up, displaying a lot of spaces with question marks in them. There were five spaces with something in them other than a question mark. One had a picture of a blue… what the hell was that thing anyway? It looked like a fruit gusher. The second had a purple… fruit gusher thing. The third looked like a sugar cube, the fourth a drop of honey, and the last a green fruit gusher. **TT **rolled over the blue fruit gusher icon. The top of the Grist Cache changed from saying: "Cache Limit: 20" to "Build Grist: 16/20."

**TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".**

**TT: But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense.**

**TT: It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.**

**EB: wow, ok.**

**EB: what do they do?**

**TT: I think it's up to you to find out.**

**TT: All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently.**

**EB: how do i move stuff around? it sounds fun!**

**TT: I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application.**

**TT: You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now.**

**EB: what?**

**TT: Did you get another envelope in the mail?**

**EB: no!**

**TT: Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner.**

**TT: Are you sure you didn't get it?**

**EB: oh man.**

**EB: i think i might know where it is.**

The car. John's Dad had left with the green package and the piece of paper. That piece of paper had born a striking resemblance to the SBURB client envelope.

**TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?**

**TT: It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items.**

**TT: Which... you threw out the window for some reason?**

**EB: good idea!**

**TT: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?**

**EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.**

**EB: but i think i have it under control now.**

**EB: what modus do you use?**

**TT: I like to use trees.**

**EB: oh no, that sounds so awkward.**

**TT: It's not exceptionally practical.**

**TT: But I think they are elegant.**

John went to the corner of the new area of his room. **TT **picked up the stuff that he'd flung out the window when he'd put the glass in his sylladex and brought it back into his room. The cake stayed outside.

**TT **looked around for a place to deploy the other large machines. She put the Cruxtruder in a nice little niche in John's living room downstairs that fit the machine as snugly as a glove. The house shook as she set it down. She also placed the Alchemiter on John's balcony. Hmm… that was odd. Even though the "more" arrow was grayed out, there were other items in the Phernalia Registry: A Pre-punched Card and a "Punch Designix." The Designix was grayed out however, as it appeared to cost 4 of the purple grist and there was no purple grist in the Grist Cache. The floor shook again as the Alchemiter landed on the balcony.

**EB: why is the floor shaking?**

**EB: are you dropping more stuff in my house?**

**TT: Yes. Two more large gizmos.**

**EB: sweet!**

**EB: what is with all these big contraptions?**

**TT: If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.**

**EB: huh.**

**EB: to what end?**

**EB: i mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game?**

**TT: That remains to be seen.**

**TT: Maybe you should go investigate?**

John grabbed his Dad's PDA, switching back to the stack modus so that it was readily available. The interface was oddly sterile. No hilarious clown wallpapers or anything like that. (Oops, he meant harlequin wallpapers.) The Serious Business application was open. It seemed as though John's Dad used it to keep tabs on his various acquaintances… his fellow street performers, maybe? John supposed the performing arts must have been a very serious business after all.

**ƒ ****grayslacks66** **- 17:21**

**Need council on removing coffee from necktie. Incident occurred 45 seconds ago. Beverage essences rapidly settling into fabric.**

**ƒ ****2busy4this** **- 17:22**

**pl elab on 'incident'**

**ƒ ****grayslacks66** **- 17:22**

**Was posturing unevenly to reach for hat on wall hook. Tip of tie slipped in open mouth of pot. Duration of "dunk": approx. 3 seconds.**

**ƒ ****officeurchin1280** **- 17:23**

**Photographic documentation of incident?**

**ƒ ****wellPressedAttire** **- 17:23**

**Use ballpoint pen to roll up tip of cloth. Extract pen. Press rolled cloth against ceramic surface, e.g. restroom sink. In future: consider repositioning hat hook and/or coffee pot.**

**ƒ ****grayslacks66** **- 17:24**

**Decided to return home for fresh tie. Soiled tie will be laundered immediately upon return.**

_**The above matters have been submitted in a frank and forthright manner for **__**pipefan413**_'_**s judicious appraisal.**_

John proceeded to install Pesterchum on his Dad's PDA. That should be useful. Now John could keep tabs on his chums while he wandered around the house.

With this helpful application installed on the PDA, John went out to the balcony and pestered **TT****.**

**EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.**

**EB: i am messaging from my dad's pda.**

**TT: The one you threw into the yard?**

**EB: no, i am telling you.**

**EB: it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.**

**TT: What were you doing with it in the first place?**

**TT: I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others.**

**TT: Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?**

**EB: what? no.**

**EB: those were all accidents.**

**EB: please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!**

**TT: Your bathroom is a mess.**

**TT: Did you do that too?**

**EB: oh man, see this isn't cool.**

**EB: all this snooping nonsense!**

**TT: There's a cake in the toilet.**

**EB: yes. there is.**

**TT: I'm tempted to clean it up for you.**

**EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.**

**TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex?**

**TT: Can a disorder also be a complex?**

**EB: in your case, probably!**

**TT: Sounds complicated.**

**EB: anyway...**

**EB: i am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony.**

John attempted to approach the Alchemiter in a cautious manner and failed. He had no idea what this thing even did. He couldn't find any controls on it. He, having exhausted all other possible ideas, just decided to stand on it. Nothing happened. He stepped off the Alchemiter and peered into his telescope. It was a clear, sunny day. Nothing out of ordinary to report. At least, not beyond the walls of his own home.

Suddenly, he got a message on his PDA.

**TT: Whoops.**

**EB: whoops what?**

There was a loud crash and John began to freak out.

**EB: what was that noise?**

**EB: is this something i should go investigate?**

**TT: No, I have it under control.**

**TT: You can keep playing with your telescope.**

John turned around and exited the balcony. The crash had come from the bathroom, so John turned the knob and stepped inside. The toilet was missing as well as the floor that it had been on, and the broken pipe was spouting water up and out onto the level below.

**EB: augh!**

**TT: I think I can patch it up.**

**TT: Just give me a little space.**

**TT: Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder?**

**EB: the what?**

**TT: The thing I put in your living room.**

John peered down through the hole and saw the utility room beneath him. Inside the room was a sledgehammer leaned against the wall and… a green captchalogue card? Only John's strife specibus had been green. Everything else had either been pink or orange, depending on whether or not he was using the stack or the queue modus. He hopped down from above and landed on the dryer.

John captchalogued the sledgehammer into the remaining spot in his inventory and then combined it with the captchalogue card. He placed the green card into his strife specibus. Instant hammerkind weapon and with a remaining free space in his sylladex too! He thought it was cool that things didn't always have to be a federal fucking issue.

Another of John's chums began to pester him on his PDA.

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 17:25 - **

**GG: john did you get my package?**

**EB: oh hey!**

**EB: no, not yet.**

**GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box... **

**EB: oh!**

**EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.**

**EB: he should be back soon.**

**GG: great! so what are you up to today?**

**EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.**

**EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.**

**GG: lol!**

**GG: whats sburb?**

**EB: oh, it is this game.**

**EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.**

**GG: whoa what was that?**

**EB: what was what?**

**GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!**

**GG: it sounded like an explosion!**

**EB: wow, really?**

**GG: i will go outside and look...**

**EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?**

**GG: i will! :)**

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 17:28 -**

John proceeded to go downstairs and look at the Cruxtruder.

**EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?**

**TT: There's a door there?**

**EB: um, YEAH?**

**TT: I didn't see it.**

**TT: I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.**

**EB: you mean you thought it was elegant?**

**EB: ok well what do i do with this thing.**

**EB: hello?**

**EB: what are you doing up there now?**

There was another sound from the upstairs bathroom.

**TT: Oh fuck.**


	4. Book 1 Chapter 4: The Kernelsprite

Chapter 4: The Kernelsprite

Ignoring **TT** for the moment, John examined the wheel on the Cruxtruder. When he turned it, something seemed to be pushing up from underneath the lid. But he wasn't strong enough to make the lid come off.

There was another crash and John turned around to see his bathtub on the landing at the top of the steps. He hopped into the bathtub and stood in it awkwardly.

**EB: you can see me, right.**

**EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture.**

**TT: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal.**

**TT: Must be the weather.**

**TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother.**

**TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.**

**EB: haha, yeah I hear you.**

**TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support.**

**TT: Quite a road to hoe there.**

**TT: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.**

**EB: i know!**

**EB: what about going outside?**

**EB: maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal.**

**TT: That presents the same problem.**

**TT: Also, it's raining, remember?**

**TT: And dark.**

**EB: It's dark already?**

**TT: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast.**

**TT: Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.**

**EB: haha, um, ok.**

John took his sledgehammer out of his strife specibus and tried to hit the top of the Cruxtruder to break it open, but the sledgehammer was too heavy.

**TT: Need some help?**

**TT **picked up the sledgehammer, brought it past the halfway point above John's head, and let it go. It smashed down upon the Cruxtruder and out came a blinding blue and white light. The top popped off and landed on a stool conveniently placed next to the Cruxtruder. A blue, white, and black orb rose from the Cruxtruder and hovered above it. 4 little screens around the Cruxtruder turned on and began to count down from 4 minutes and 13 seconds. Hey, John's birthday!

**EB: what is this thing?**

**EB: and what is that clock counting down to?**

**TT: I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.**

**TT: Hold while I read further.**

**EB: ok.**

**TT: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short.**

**TT: None progress much further than this point.**

**EB: weird.**

**EB: well, i mean it is a new game.**

**TT: True.**

**TT: Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some "Cruxite".**

John turned the wheel again to reveal one cruxite dowel in the Cruxtruder. It popped out and landed in front of him. He captchalogued the dowel, filling his sylladex again. John's PDA ended up behind the cruxite.

**TT: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.**

**TT: John?**

**TT: Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it.**

**TT: Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.**

**TT **placed the pre-punched card on the floor next the couch. John captchalogued it, sending a shard of glass flying out the back of his sylladex. The glass cut off one of the tips of the giant harlequin doll's tricorn hat off. John took two of the fanciful harlequin statuettes to dispose of the remaining glass shards. They both maimed the harlequin doll as well.

The additional useless freight pushed his PDA to the last card in his sylladex. He then switched to the queue modus (FIFO) in order to access the device.

The orb from the Cruxtruder began to spout nonsense in an unrecognizable language. It was beginning to shake uncontrollably and had moved towards John.

**EB: this thing keeps following me around.**

**EB: i think it's trying to talk to me or something.**

**TT: That is probably the "Kernelsprite".**

**TT: It apparently needs to be "prototyped".**

**TT: Twice, actually.**

**TT: Whatever the hell that means.**

**TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written.**

**EB: hmm, ok.**

**EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!**

**EB: also, fix my bathroom.**

Prototyped? Maybe that meant… **TT **picked up the harlequin doll and dropped it onto the kernelsprite. The orb suddenly had the image of the harlequin's maimed face on it along with an arm (one of John's fake arms). It continued to spout nonsense, but this time, is was in a different strange language that seemed to hinge on fleurs-de lis.

**EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.**

**TT: That was only "Tier One Prototyping".**

**TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process.**

**TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.**

**EB: the clock is ticking.**

**EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery.**

**TT: This unmitigated poppycock?**

**EB: extravagant hogwash!**

**EB: ok stop**

**EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing.**

**EB: i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing.**

**TT: The alchemiter?**

**EB: ?**

**TT: Try to learn the lingo.**

John proceeded to the Alchemiter, looking for a place to possibly insert the pre-punched card. There weren't any slots anywhere. For some reason, the kernelsprite had followed him upstairs.

**TT** decided to check the Atheneum. Having acquired a cruxite dowel seemed to have populated the Atheneum with one item: a perfectly generic object.

While **TT** had been exploring the Atheneum, John had captchalogued his telescope off of its tripod. The benefit to this was that the cruxite dowel was pushed the end of his sylladex. The downside was that his PDA was jettisoned across the neighbor's fence.

John placed the cruxite on a small pedestal next to the larger one. Something began to happen…

A long metal arm (which the kids had previously thought to be a pipe) stretched out and used a red laser beam to scan the cruxite dowel. **TT **set the Alchemiter to produce three perfectly generic object for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of build grist! The objects look completely useless! What a waste.

Suddenly, out the of the corner of his eye, John noticed something in the sky. He switched to stack modus and pulled out the telescope to get a closer look. Whatever it was, the kernelsprite seemed particularly agitated about it.

Was that… a shooting star? No, it was a meteor! John was no astronomer, but the meteor's trajectory looked suspiciously head-on with his current perspective. This was a troubling development.

He looked at the agitated kernelsprite with its hand out. He figured he had left it hanging long enough, giving it a quick and nervous high-five. What else what there to do? John was resigned until **TT **did something. Hmm… build grist looked so much like Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. Could he possibly eat… No! Build grist was a gaming abstraction and did not seem to exist on the physical plane. Apparently, there was no crisis so imminent that would deter John from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

**TT: Your dad is getting home.**

**TT: John?**

**TT: What did you do with your PDA this time?**

**TT: I'm working on the bathroom.**

**TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.**

**TT **used the revise tool to fix the bathroom floor. The appliances, however, could wait. She only had two units of build grist left.

Mr. Egbert stepped onto the front porch and sighed. Rebellious teenagers were quite annoying, and not exactly the kind of people he would deal with on a daily basis. It was his son's birthday! Didn't the boy… Wait, what? The door wouldn't open. The man readjusted the pipe in his mouth and turned the doorknob again. It wasn't as though the door was locked - he could still open it a hair, but there was something large blocking the door. Mr. Egbert hoped that John hadn't moved the piano in front of the door. The instrument was priceless. His eyes welled up with tears of joy as he recalled teaching John the piano years back.

But the door wouldn't open. So Mr. Egbert went around to the back. He froze in his tracks. Why was the toilet stuffed with a manhandled cake? And why was it outside, for that matter? He scratched his head, then chuckled. "Kids these days," he said quietly.

John rushed to his room, having kicked himself out of his fruit gusher coma, and looked at Pesterchum. Two of his chums had been trying to message him. A arm jutted out of a blue portal on his Mac and Me poster.

**TT: I'm working on the bathroom.**

**TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.**

**EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!**

**TT: I see.**

**TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?**

**EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do!**

**TT: I think it's very likely.**

**TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.**

**TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.**

**TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.**

**TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.**

**EB: wow, FASCINATING.**

**EB: ?**

**TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.**

**TT: Try using the lathe.**

**TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.**

**EB: ok i'll do that.**

**TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.**

**TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.**

**TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.**

**TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough.**

**TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.**

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 17:34 - **

**TG: i heard you got the box**

**TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you**

**TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way**

**TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you**

**TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon**

**TG: hey where are you**

**EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare.**

**EB: TT is breaking everything in my house.**

**TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game**

**TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether**

**EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!**

**EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something.**

**EB: in the sky.**

**EB: heading right for my house!**

**TG: oh man**

**TG: how big is it**

**EB: i dunno.**

**EB: big, i guess.**

**EB: i gotta go!**

**EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up.**

**TG: like the size of texas**

**TG: or just rhode island**

**TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us**

**TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG**

**TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir**

**TG: OH SHIT**

**TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir**

**TG: OH SHIT**

**TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick**

**TG: OH SNAP**

**TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter**

**TG: you mean like the planet?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: well its that big sir**

**TG: hmm that sounds pretty big**

**TG: i have a question**

**TG: is it jupiter?**

**TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter**

**TG: OH SHIT**

**TG: anyway later**

John shook his head. **TG **could be pretty annoying sometimes. He stood and went over to the totem lathe, placing the pre-punched card in a slot as **TT **had said. A tool arm above deployed a configuration of chisels. John just needed something to lathe now.

Cursing his lack of foresight, John returned to the balcony to grab the cruxite dowel he had left on the Alchemiter. He was leery of his Dad, who was puzzling over the bathtub at the top of the stairs.

Meanwhile, **TT **continued to fix up the bathroom. She removed the manhandled cake from the toilet and placed it on the pogo ride. She then selected the toilet and moved it into the bathroom. It, and the section of ground it had been on, landed with a thud on the newly revised ground. _The perfect crime, _she thought to herself.

John returned from the balcony with the cruxite dowel. His Dad shrugged and began to walk back down the stairs, presumably going to do some more baking. If only he had known that John was hard at work saving his ass.

John re-entered his room and clamped the dowel in the lathe. He activated the lathe and the tool arm came down, carving a totem. John took the totem.

**EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.**

**EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again?**

**EB: hello?**

**- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **is no longer connected! - **

**EB: uh…**

**TT **had been moving the bathtub back into the bathroom, but her lost connection caused the bathtub to fall in front of his door, blocking his exit. **2:10… 2:09… 2:08… 2:07…** The countdown continued as John fiddled with his doorknob. No. He was stuck. Literally this time. John was Homestuck.


	5. Book 1 Chapter 5: Rose Lalonde

Chapter 5: Rose Lalonde

A young lady stood in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house had just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This had severed her link to a popular video game she had been playing with one of her internet friends, a young man by the name of John. Her loss of power had occurred at a very critical moment and John was relying on this young lady to somehow reestablish her connection with him. This young lady was named…

Named…

What was she named again? Flighty broad? No, she looked too angry at the suggestion. That was just a name **TG **had called her. Oh, right! Rose Lalonde!

Rose looked around her room. She had a variety of interests, including rather obscure literature, creative writing (although she was somewhat secretive about it), the bestially strange and fictitious… Oh, come on? Seriously? Rose nodded and continued. She occasionally liked to dabble in psychoanalysis. Lastly, she liked to knit, which led to a very messy room. Oh, and, on occasion, if the right one struck her fancy, she would play videogames with her friends. There was a purple box on the right side of the room. Its contents were private to all but her, however, so she pushed it behind her, into her cabinet, and closed the wooden piece of furniture. She didn't keep her arms in there. No, seriously, she didn't keep her arms in there.

Rose wondered if, like John, she should consider doing something incredibly stupid at that moment. Should she have writhed like a flagellum and puked on the floor? Ugh, what a terrible idea! The thought alone made her sick to the stomach. She used her arms to abjure the bed. See? She didn't keep her arms in the box! They had been right there all along.

Maybe she could stroke her writing journals while muttering "my precious" instead? She shook the the thought out of her head. She would only result to such embarrassing activities while no one was watching. That is, _you_, the reader, are watching. The journals were for Rose's eyes only.

Rose retrieved her violin from above the cupboard and played a haunting refrain on it. She wasted approximately 40 seconds playing while her friend was in peril. Wow, nice time management skills there.

While Rose wasted her time on the violin, John issued words of parting to dear, sweet Liv Tyler (who resided on John's Armageddon poster). Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would have fallen into John's arms for consolation, and **HE** would have been the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.

Was _anyone _doing anything worth talking about? John's Dad perhaps? No, he was too focused on his baking. The kernelsprite was just hovering around randomly, appearing particularly aggravated. Rose and John were fooling around. And as for **TG** and **GG**… well, I mean, who knew what their deal was?

Wait, Rose stopped playing her violin! She stepped onto her bed and captchalogued her knitting supply bag. It occupied the left leaf card under the violin, per the tree modus's alphabetical sorting method.

K (knitting supply bag) V (violin)

Rose looked out her panoramic window, which offered a view of her yard below as well as the mausoleum housing her dead cat, Jaspers, who had died when she had been young. Rose's Mom had had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful irony in response to Rose's youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that was how she had come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.

She could also make out the silhouette of the laboratory next door through the rain. The facility likely broadcasted a strong wireless signal, to which she may have been able to connect to from a different part of the house. Perhaps if she sought higher ground?

Rose took her laptop from her desk and prepared to make the journey through the house. Her tree modus placed her laptop in the sylladex.

L (laptop) V (violin). Therefore, it would be on the left side of the tree.

L (laptop) K (knitting supply bag). Therefore, it would be on the right side of the K branch.

However, this caused the tree to be unbalanced, so Rose's sylladex auto-balanced itself. Now the laptop comprised the root card, while the other two items comprised the leaves.

KL. VL. The knitting bag went to the left side of the tree while the violin went to the right side of the tree.

Rose looked at the book on her desk: _Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious_. The book was absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of her ilk, of which there were very few. She captchalogued it in her sylladex.

G (grimoire) L (laptop). Left side of the tree.

GK. Far left leaf.

Rose then left her bedroom. Hanging just next to her door in the hallway was a painting of an exquisite wizard. Her mother collected the awful things ironically. She must have known how much Rose detested them, and there was no doubt in Rose's mind that her Mom stored the dreadful things in the house just to bother the poor girl.

Down the hall to the right lay the observatory. Perhaps she would be able to connect from up there? Her mother's room was also in that direction, however. Rose would have to watch her step. She tiptoed to a juncture in the hallway Beyond the juncture lay the observatory, but down the hallway on Rose's left was her Mom's room.

Rose traveled carefully along the wall. She was about to cross the juncture when a flash of lightning illuminated the crossing hallway. Her Mom's silhouette was visible, holding a martini glass in one hand like she usually did. Rose quickly snuck by, however, and another flash of lightning made it clear that her Mom had disappeared.

At the end of the hallway was a door that led to the observatory. Rose hadn't been up there in a while. She entered through the door, which opened to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance. She had seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things she would do to help out a friend. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the ground below the observatory.

Rose hurried through the door to the observatory and climbed the tower in a hurried manner. Because she _was_ in a hurry. Upon reaching the top, she placed her laptop down on the floor to get it situated. But removing it from the root card caused all the branches and leaves to be severed. Her items were unceremoniously dumped on the floor.

Before getting down to business, Rose thought it a good idea to see what was going on with the weather. She looked through the large telescope in the center of the observatory, finding a gap in the dark clouds. It seemed as though a flurry of smaller meteoroids was streaking steadily overhead. She wasn't sure what this meant, but it was certainly a bit disconcerting.

Anyway, Rose turned back to her computer. She placed it on top of the grimoire for maximum elevation. She would need every last advantage she could get.

She closed out of the SBURB Beta GameFaq walkthrough she had recently been looking at on her web browser Cetus and clicked on the green SBURB Beta spirograph logo. The server client came up and so did a list of available wireless networks. There were several signals being broadcasted from the lab, each of relatively decent strength. One of them was mysteriously and quite conveniently unsecured, requiring no password. Rose selected this signal and reconnected to the game with John. The timer was counting down from 41 seconds now and John was banging furiously at his keyboard as he conversed with Rose.

**TT: I'm back.**

**EB: hurry up and open my door!**

**EB: not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!**

**TT: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem.**

**EB: ?**

**TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card.**

**EB: so what is it, like an apple or something?**

**EB: what good will that even do?**

**TT: We'll see.**

**TT: I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item.**

**TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session.**

**TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic].**

**EB: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it?**

**TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.**

**TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view.**

**TT: Now off you go.**

Rose attempted to open the door, but instead pulled it off of its hinges. Oops. There went the rest of the build grist. In any case, she placed the bathtub back in the bathroom. She… probably should have just done that in the first place instead of murdering John's house further with the door accident.

John rushed to the balcony and placed the newly carved totem on the small pedestal. Oh god, he had to get those stupid blocks off the Alchemiter before doing anything. The kernelsprite was freaking out more than it ever had before.

Rose took the blocks and stored them in the Phernalia Registry, potentially to be deployed at a later time.

As soon as the mechanical arm came down and scanned the totem, a blue tree appeared with one apple in it. The apple dropped into John's hands and the tree disappeared.

John hastily took a bite of the apple and waited for impact. The timer on the Cruxtruder slowly counted down the few remaining seconds. This was it; John could feel it. The end had come! It was do or die from here on out. Except John did nothing but stand there and wait for the meteor to come. His Dad stood in the kitchen, mixing bowl in hand, as the ground shook tremendously. "Kids," he muttered again, but this time he wasn't so sure. The meteor grew larger and larger as it approached, the kernelsprite growing more and more agitated… until finally, the meteor hit in a huge explosion that destroyed a third of John's neighborhood.

…

Years in the future, but not many, a Wayward Vagabond recorded a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust. The silhouette of a long abandoned town loomed in the distance. This Wayward Vagabond walked slowly, solemnly, with no company other than the desolate wind that echoed throughout the vast deserted plane.

The dunes stretched on for miles in either direction, such that the vagabond wasn't sure which direction he had come from, nor which direction he was going in. All he knew was the desert, the scorching sun, and his thirst.

His footprints led up a dune which what appeared to be a cliff face on the other side. The Wayward Vagabond's black carapace gleamed in delight as he saw over the other side. The old, gray sheets that he used for clothing shook as he shook inside of them. This was something new. This was something different. This was not the endless rolling sun-bleached hills of sand. This was cool, white, and made of something that the Wayward Vagabond thought was metal. He reached out with his carapacian hand and brushed some of the sand away from the thing. On it was a large green logo consisting of what appeared to be Venn diagrams minus the intersection. They were repeated over and over in a circle, overlapping each other to create a complex design. The Wayward Vagabond wasn't sure, but he thought it was called a spirograph.

Sburb Beta Walkthrough  
Version 1.0, April 13, 2009  
By tentacleTherapist

=============================== TABLE OF CONTENTS ===============================

1. Caveats and Condolences... [0000]  
2. Walkthrough (Incomplete)... [A000]

==================================================================================  
[0000] Caveats and Condolences

I'd be inclined to dispense with the trite even under less pressing circumstances.  
Needless to say I'll forego the inscrutable ASCII banner which typically heralds  
the striking freefall of these documents. I'll also resist the urge to brandish any  
copyright marks, or the particular neurosis that concerns itself with the theft of  
the utterly mundane - I'll allow other deranged prospectors to stake claims on  
their worthless plots as the woods burn around them. My introduction will be  
sparse. There will be no majestic prose blustering into the sails of a galleon as  
we embark on this voyage together. Nor will there be any hamfisted prose whipping  
its limbs under a bedsheet like a retarded ghost, for that matter. I won't set the  
stage, or dim the lights. The mood, you will see, will be set soon enough.

Since you are reading this, chances are you have installed this game on your  
computer already. If this is true, like many others, you have just participated in  
bringing about the end of the world.

But don't beat yourself up about it. There was never anything you could have done  
to prevent it. The end is happening right now, as I type, and as you read. I have  
come to understand that we were always doomed through our collective ignorance, and  
now further doomed by those few who know, and struggle to flee. If you're lucky,  
you'll be among the smaller subset of the latter who are successful.

What I mean is, while that game you installed is just one more grinding slab of  
rock sealing our planet's crypt, it is also your only hope to live. I'm presently  
faced with the same conundrum as you, and though I speak with more experience, my  
own outcome is far from assured. I will "play the game", as much of it as there is  
to play, and record my findings here. If you want to live, you will do as I  
instruct.

My condolences.

~TT

Hmm… was this the end? Or merely the beginning? Or perhaps it was the beginning of the end. Or the end of the beginning. Whatever the case, John Egbert and Rose Lalonde were prepared for whatever was to come… except for monsters.


	6. Book 1 Chapter 6: A Mysterious Voice

Chapter 6: A Mysterious Voice

Yes, so John had bitten the apple. The meteor had hit. Now what? Everything began to go dark. The sunlight disappeared altogether. John's Dad's harlequins began to look more sinister. The fire in the fireplace went out. A pair of evil-looking white sunflower-seed-shaped eyes appeared in the darkness under John's bed. The bunny that Rose had PUT BACK IN THE BOX! remained where it was, but as it got darker, the poor creature seemed to get even more ragged and dirty. John's Dad stood in the kitchen with his mixing bowl, hand stopped mid-stir. His pipe slipped a bit from his mouth as he gaped in astonishment in the sudden change in background.

But where was the house? The main piece of ground that John's abode had been on along with a couple of land islands surrounding it were in the air. It wasn't floating, though; it was at least obeying the rules of gravity. It was merely stationed at the top of a very tall and precarious-looking piece of dirt. The farthest down that John could see was to a layer of clouds, which impeded his view. But as the boy peered over the edge of the balcony, where he still stood with the apple in one hand, he felt a rather strong sense of vertigo. He couldn't fall now. Not when he had made it this far. Still, there was no sun nor moon to be seen anywhere. All that surrounded the house was pure blackness as far as the eye could see.

Wait. Why was the kernelsprite still all agitated? Surely it didn't think there would be another meteor, did it? Then suddenly, the kernel, or the part surrounding the actual sprite, divided into two halves. One was white and the other black.

The black one went down, through the layer of clouds. It left a hole in the thick material. However, the black half of the kernel had been too small and too far away to provide John with a view of below the clouds.

The white half of the kernel flew up, creating a small amount of light in the sky and a bunch of morphing blue spirographs appeared, each one higher than the other. John could only make out four, but because the last one seemed so tiny, he thought it possible there could have been more.

What was left of the sprite underwent a mysterious transformation. Before John was a large blue floating harlequin doll.

_BOY._Hmm… that was odd. John could have sworn that he had heard something say "BOY", as if whispered in the periphery of his awareness. Eh. It had probably just been his imagination.

_YOU THERE. BOY. _ ...What?

_BOY. LISTEN TO ME BOY. _His name is John, you nincompoop, whoever you are.

_BOY WHO IS JOHN. DO AS I SAY. _And would exactly would that be?

_OBEY MY COMMANDS, JOHN BOY. _And those commands would be...?

_I WOULD LIKE THE BOY TO INTERACT WITH HIS ENVIRONMENT IN A CONSTRUCTIVE MANNER. _? Maybe you should be a little more specific?

_HAVE THE BOY ASSESS HIS CURRENT SITUATION._Ahh! You keep getting louder! Pipe down, will you? In any case, I'm afraid I can't "HAVE THE BOY" do that. Tell him to do it yourself.

_VERY WELL. _...Ok?

⇒ That instruction does not do anything at the moment!

⇒ Sigh. Could you please turn the controls over to a more competent user?

_ASLFSAKLADAK _Increasingly sophomoric. Also, you almost spelled "SALAD" in there.

_WHAT'S THAT _What's what? Oh, the kernelsprite? It looks a bit different now. After John bit the apple, the whole house seemed to be transported somewhere. Then the apple disappeared and the kernelsprite underwent a transformation. Aside from the change in appearance, the transformation doesn't seem to have any relevant ramifications. John still doesn't understand a word the idiot says.

_THE GHOST CLOWN. DO SOMETHING WITH IT. _The "ghost clown" is called the kernelsprite, you idiot! Or, rather just the sprite now, I suppose. You can't "do something" with it at the moment! The only thing you can theoretically do with it is a tier 2 prototyping, assuming that's still possible…

_TIER PROTO TYPE THE SPRITE, OR THE THING YOU SAID. DO IT._ Ugh… why did you have to interrupt me mid-rant? But anyway, you couldn't prototype it yourself if you wanted to. The SBURB server user is supposed to do that.

_PEEK OVER THE RAILING. _Getting close to the railing makes John nervous. It's a long way down.

_THIS LARGE PLATFORM. GOOD GRIEF, WHAT IS IT BOY _The Alchemiter created the apple, or the tree that sprouted it rather, right on time to save John from destruction. He's not sure if he can say the same for his neighborhood though. John wondered what happened to his Dad.

_EXAMINE THE STRANGE BLUE VASE. _It is a piece of cruxite John carved with the Totem Lathe. When its contours were scanned, the Alchemiter was able to produce that tree. How odd!

_BOY, OPEN THIS DOOR AND WALK THROUGH IT._ You mean "_John_, open this door and walk through it." Sure. That way, John will be able to see if his Dad is all right. He steps into the hallway.

_THAT MAN WITH THE HUMOROUS SPECTACLES. ADMIRE HIM. _Oh, Michael Cera. Your warm smile is a shining beacon in these dark times.

_I DETEST THIS! DISREGARD IT. _What, Michael Cera, or the harlequin painting? Oh, the harlequin painting? You have the sentiment in common with John then, I suppose.

_WHAT IS DOWN HERE. PROCEED BOY._John enters the side hallway that led to the bathroom and his Dad's room.

_I AM NOT FOND OF THIS SMUG FELLOW._The man. The myth. The legend. What do you have up your sleeve there, Harry Anderson? Look at that pokerface. He's not telling a soul!

_OPEN THE DOOR ON THE RIGHT_. John's Dad's room is still locked!

_GO IN THERE NOW, THEN._John proceeds into the bathroom on an odd whim. What are you planning, odd voice?

_YOUR PLUMBING APPEARS FAULTY. _Man, Rose did such a piss-poor job of fixing the bathroom. It would almost certainly be a mistake to try to use the toilet! John guesses he can just go pee over the edge of the cliff…

_PEER THROUGH THAT WINDOW_. John looked out the bathroom window. At least his back yard was salvaged too. Sort of… The swing set is only half-supported on the ground.

_LEAVE AT ONCE. _John leaves the bathroom. I'm starting to doubt that you know what you're doing.

_NO GO BACK._Sigh. John returns to the bathroom, mildly irritated.

_I MEANT TO THE HALL WITH THE HUMOROUS MAN. GO BACK BOY. _John returned to the main hallway. What was even the point.

_BOY GO IN HERE. _Again, it's John. Not boy. John goes into his room. His Pesterchum application is flashing and there are copious amounts of a black liquid pooling under his bed.

_INVESTIGATE THAT BLINKING DEVICE. _John sits at his computer.

**TT: John?**

**TT: Are you there?**

It seems as though he is still connected to the internet. Rose is trying to get in touch with him. John will reply in a second, once he has fully assessed the situation.

_THIS DOOR. EXPLAIN THIS._Look, whoever you are, we don't have time for this. We need to see if John's Dad is okay and there is nothing to accomplish in here.

_BEFORE YOU GO, OBSERVE THIS BOX._THE BUNNY IS NOT IN THE BOX. I SAID, THE BUNNY IS NOT IN THE BOX. WHY COULDN'T THE BUNNY BE IN THE BOX?

_GO OUT OF THE DOOR THAT IS NOT HERE. _Nice job this time, voice. John "goes out of the door that is not here."

He proceeds downstairs and into the kitchen. His Dad is not there.

_EXAMINE THE ARTWORK ON THE LARGE METAL MACHINE. _John's Dad was so proud when he'd drawn the doodle of a green ghost slime. He hung it up immediately and it's stayed there ever since. That was a week ago.

_THIS IS A TELEPHONE, BOY. USE IT. _John picks up the receiver but the line is dead.

_EXIT, BOY. _Ahem. You mean, "exit, John?" John passes through the utility room and exits via the back door.

_ADMIRE THE WALL-MOUNTED GADGET. _Through some mysterious force, even though the lines are severed, the power is still on. Quite bizarre.

_FIDDLE WITH THE BRIGHT SPARKLY THINGS. _Woah! That sounds incredibly dangerous. John sensibly disregards your awful advice.

_BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND._For the last time, this boy's name is John!

_FINE. JOHN. RETURN TO YOUR QUARTERS. _His Dad nowhere to be found, John goes back up to his bedroom, tiptoeing around the weird petroleum-based sludge.

_NOW JOHN. RESPOND TO YOUR FRIEND UNIT._

**TT: John?**

**TT: Are you there?**

**- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **is now an idle chum! - **

**EB: hey, yeah i'm here!**

**EB: and not dead i think.**

**TT: I know.**

**TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic.**

**TT: You should have answered me sooner.**

**EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere!**

**EB: have you seen him?**

**TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up.**

**TT: We have more important things to address right now.**

**EB: yeah, like where am i?**

**TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact.**

**TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world.**

**TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.**

**EB: wow, ok.**

**EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?**

**TT: Perhaps.**

**EB: then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!**

**TT: Yes, but wait.**

**TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again.**

**TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate.**

**TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat.**

**TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used.**

**EB: ok.**

**TT: I'll meet you out on the balcony.**

**EB: wait, rose! one thing...**

**TT: What?**

**EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday!**

**EB: um... hello?**

**TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it.**

**TT: I didn't want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion.**

**TT: That said, happy birthday, John.**

**EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!**

**EB: anyway, thanks!**

_FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE. _The towel? Why? Oh well, you're the boss. John captchalogues the towel. What now?

_DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS. TO THE BALCONY. _John makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.

_WAIT. TAKE THAT. THE BLUE WOBBLY THING. _John whimsically decides to captchalogue the totem which was used to create the apple tree earlier.

_JOHN. RECYCLE THE GRIST AS WAS DICTATED BY YOUR COHORT. _John cannot do anything with the grist as of this moment! That is up to the SBURB player.

_I SEE. ⇒? _Rose deletes the perfectly generic objects she had stored in the phernalia registry. 6 units of build grist are restored to the Grist Cache. I'm sorry, did you say something, strange voice?

⇒ Rose expends the grist to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA. Miraculously, it has survived the explosion.

_JOHN. RUN ACROSS PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY. _John isn't sure about that. It's a long way down.

_BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK! _John is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!

_FINE. PROCEED AS YOUR LEVEL OF COMFORT DICTATES._John cautiously makes his way across the catwalk, finally coming within range of the PDA. Rose retrieves it.

_NOW TAKE IT. _John grabs the PDA, launching one of the harlequin dolls into the night. He can kiss that one goodbye.

⇒⇒ Just one ⇒ command will suffice. Thanks. It looks like John's not the only one trying to locate his father after the disaster.

**ƒ ****wellPressedAtire** **- ?:?**

**Submitting inquiry of concern over cataclysmic event. pipefan413 reply.**

**ƒ ****grayslacks66** **- ?:?**

** pipefan413: status of health/wardrobe?**

**ƒ ****fedorafreak ****- ?:?**

**neighboring house struck with flaming projectile. in light of fire hazard, evacuating house of all expensive garments**

**ƒ ****officeurchin1280** **- ?:?**

**gl fedorafreak. salvage as many hats as is practical.**

**ƒ ****wellPressedAtire ****- ?:?**

**fedorafreak, you are in our thoughts, along with pipefan413 and his enviable collection of pipes.**

**ƒ ****fedorafreak ****- ?:?**

**ty all. report: most hats removed from danger. ties next.**

_**The above matters have been submitted in a frank and forthright manner for **__**pipefan413**_'_**s judicious appraisal.**_

_THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING._

**TT: John, are you ok?**

**TT: You seem a bit tentative.**

**EB: i'm fine i guess.**

**EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do.**

**EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain.**

**TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?**

**EB: yeah, maybe. who knows!**

**TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try.**

**TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible.**

**TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won't last forever.**

**EB: Ok. I will go back inside.**

_NO DON'T DO THAT. HOP OFF THIS LEDGE ON TO THAT CAR._ What? No! That sounds incredibly dangerous!

⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒ Now you're just being a pest. Which turnip truck did you tumble out of, anyway? Who are you?

Years in the future, but not many, an unsealed tunnel welcomed desert air into its stagnant depths. The tunnel led straight down into the sands with metal rungs each a foot apart leading down to the bottom. The interior was lavender and gray, and smelt of rotten pumpkin.

It was in this place that the Wayward Vagabond sat before a large computer with a screen interface shaped like a four-window house. The top right screen was on, displaying a boy with a blue apple in his hand standing next to an odd machine.

_ BOY. _The Wayward Vagabond typed. _ YOU THERE. BOY._


	7. Book 1 Chapter 7: ROTCB

Chapter 7: Raise of the Conductor's Baton

==================================================================================  
[A000] An Examination of the Basics

Upon connecting with the client user, you, the server user, will be met with a  
control panel allowing you to manipulate your co-player's environment. You will  
find that you are allowed to deploy four items at no expense. Three of these are  
rather large machines, and one is a punch card.

It's quite possible that you have already deployed some of these items before  
reading this. If this is the case, and you have activated the machine called the  
"cruxtruder" such that it displays a countdown, YOU MUST PROCEED TO SECTION [A100]  
OF THIS WALKTHROUGH IMMEDIATELY. The life of the client user depends on it, and if  
your co-player has activated this device in your environment too, then yours does  
as well.

But if not, please refrain from doing anything with the cruxtruder, aside from  
merely deploying it. This will buy us some time to think things through properly,  
and to go over the basics of the game before you find your soft, easily-punctured  
head in the jaws of the lion.

As mentioned, there are four items to consider, each playing a role in a process  
which appears to have a singular purpose: to manufacture objects out of thin air.  
The designers of the game, judging by the language used, regard this process as a  
sort of alchemy. This may allude to complexities in the production process yet to  
present themselves. But for now, the variety of objects you are able to create  
remains quite limited.

The items in question are the CRUXTRUDER (again, tread lightly with this one), the  
TOTEM LATHE, the ALCHEMITER, and the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. I will describe how these  
devices work in conjunction with each other, and I will use the analogy of having a  
key made at a hardware store to help you understand.

First, deploy all of these objects in convenient proximity to each other. Be sure  
not to block doors or pathways with them. You can always "revise" the dimensions of  
rooms to make space for them, but I'd advise against this, or even experimenting  
with the function. Doing so comes at the expense of "build grist", a commodity  
which appears to be at a premium at the onset, and one you'd best be advised to  
save for later.

- THE CRUXTRUDER -

Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit  
pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of an especially ethnic wedding.  
Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock  
is decorated, and then lost track of. The question "Who's mule is this?" at times  
can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

But aside from that, it marks the beginning of the process I am about to describe.  
The countdown begins, yes. Also, an entity called the "Kernelsprite" is released.  
But neither of these things are all that relevant to this process, to my knowledge.  
More on these things later.

What is relevant is the un-lidded cruxtruder's ability to dispense "cruxite  
dowels". It will dispense at least one, though I suspect it is capable of producing  
more, given parameters I'm not yet familiar with. In my key-making analogy, these  
dowels represent the uncarved pieces of metal which the hardware store employee  
retrieves from a drawer or a rack, and sets about carving into a key. The two  
following items are needed to do the carving.

- THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD -

It is a simple sylladex card containing an item. There is evidence to suggest the  
specific item it contains is variable from session-to-session. The card I deployed  
contained a blue apple. Yours may be different. It shouldn't matter, hopefully.

Additionally, the card as you may guess is "punched", like one used with antique  
computing systems. The pattern of holes comprises data, which I believe corresponds  
to the instructions for creating the item the card contains. That it is  
"pre-punched" suggests there is a way to punch an un-punched card, possibly  
imprinting it with the data for the item it contains, though no mechanism for this  
has presented itself yet.

But the data on the card cannot be used to create the item directly. There is a  
middleman. That middleman is the totem lathe.

- THE TOTEM LATHE -

This is essentially the key carving machine. It will carve into your cruxite dowel  
a pattern of grooves and contours, the sort which makes a key unique. The  
instructions for this pattern are supplied by the punch card, which is inserted  
into the lathe pre-activation to configure its chisels.

Once the dowel is carved, you have a totem serving as your "key", which can then be  
used to "unlock" the card item through the alchemiter. But at this point, I will  
diverge from my key-making analogy and switch to a bar code analogy. Which is not a  
terribly strenuous leap to make, since the concepts of a key and a bar code are  
essentially the same—one being a unique pattern of grooves; the other, of  
varying black lines.

- THE ALCHEMITER -

If you place a cruxite dowel, carved or uncarved, on the alchemiter's small  
pedestal, its robotic arm will scan the contours with a laser. Hence the bar code  
analogy. This is the machine's way of reading the data originally imprinted from  
the card, and transforming that data into a physical object.

Though typically, this is not done without expense, I believe. An uncarved dowel  
results in the creation of a "perfectly generic object", which is a seemingly  
useless green cube. It costs two units of build grist to make, and I do not advise  
you to waste resources on it. There appears to be many other varieties of grist,  
ostensibly used in combinations to create different sorts of items, which possibly  
offers some insight into the game's use of the term "alchemy".

But quite conveniently, there is an exception to this. Creating the item on the  
pre-punched card costs nothing. This is good, because creating this item turns out  
to be essential.

Now that you know this, you can in your own time begin the process. Once you  
initiate it, naturally there is no going back, so best to be prepared. But you  
probably shouldn't drag your feet too long. As I mentioned earlier, this is your  
only means of escape.

When you're ready, be prepared to follow the steps in the next section swiftly.

==================================================================================  
[A100] So your cruxtruder is ticking. Do this to live.  
==================================================================================

Rose stood, stretching her limbs, and peered out the window. In the distance, meteorites fell with greater frequency. The fire in the forest was so hot, not even the rain was putting it out. She checked her laptop battery. It would hold for now, but it wouldn't be for long. If the power in the house didn't come back on, she could think of one last resort: the small backup generator stored behind the mausoleum.

Rose returned to the game, where John was in the kitchen. There was a box of Betty Crocker cake mix on the counter, which Rose selected. She was going to try to prototype the sprite again.

**EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?**

**EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea!**

**TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power.**

**EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb.**

**TT: I doubt it matters.**

**TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around.**

**EB: fine.**

**EB: i GUESS.**

The sprite was playing hard to get though! Rose attempted to prototype the sprite with box and the sprite just kept ducking away. Rose figured this was what she got for originally prototyping it with something that engendered mischief and pranksterism!

_DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. _Pipe down, you. This is Rose's decision, not yours!

_What about the Sassacre text?_ Rose thought, selecting it.

**EB: OH YES, SWEET!**

**EB: now we're talking!**

**TT: See if you can distract it.**

**TT: I'll try to sneak up on it.**

_JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER._The sprite finds the distracting manner in which John flails about to be rather distracting.

But… not quite enough. Just as Rose brought the Sassacre text near the sprite, it bolted, eluding her once again. Not even the great Colonel could outfox it! In narrowly missing with her attempt to create the Colonelsprite, she dropped the massive tome. The entire house rattled under the astonishing girth of the book.

In the other room, Nanna's ashes dumped onto the sprite (the urn had fallen over from the shaking), which was caught unawares by the dousing.

_INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT. _John returned to the living room to find the urn toppled again! This time he was quite sure it wasn't his fault. The sprite was nowhere to be found.

**EB: aw man, where'd it go?**

**TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house.**

**TT: No time to worry about it.**

**TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car.**

**TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are.**

**TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down.**

**EB: what, there's a fire?**

**TT: There will be soon.**

**EB: oh jeez!**

**EB: so move this thing already!**

Rose selected to Cruxtruder, but it cost 100 grist to move it, and there was no grist at all to be had.

**TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move.**

**TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either.**

**EB: how much do you have?**

**TT: Zero.**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: hmm.**

**EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous!**

**TT: I have a better idea.**

**TT: Meet me upstairs.**

_DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY. _John was about to head upstairs when he thought he heard a faint chuckle behind him. It had been along the lines of a spirited "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

Something blue appeared behind him and John turned, only to find nothing. He heard a laugh from the other direction again and turned. He saw nothing again. There was another laugh from behind him and he turned to see nothing yet again.

_IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS. _John wasn't sure he had even seen a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics. But whatever it was that John might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave him the willies. He headed upstairs on his way to the balcony. His PDA was acting up again.

_INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT._

**TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes**

**EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!**

**TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen**

**EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up!**

**EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something.**

**EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandma!**

**TG: huh**

**TG: for real**

**EB: yeah, it's true but i'll talk to you later about it!**

**TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this**

**EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.**

**TG: no thisll be dope check it**

**EB: no, i have to go! bye!**

**TG: wait wait**

**TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us**

**TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous**

**TG: sending men in space for savin us**

**TG: see which playa's more couragerous**

**TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce**

**TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it**

**TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it**

**TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous**

**TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss**

**TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous**

**TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous**

**TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust**

**TG: wait**

**TG: uh**

**TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he**

**TG: ill have to make a rap about**

**TG: i dont know**

**TG: morgan freeman or something**

**TG: being the president**

**TG: itll be called**

**TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"**

**TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on**

**TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies**

_ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT. _John headed out to the balcony to find out what Rose had in mind. She was messaging him again.

_THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE PURPLE TEXT._

**TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.**

**EB: whoa, ok.**

**TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway.**

**EB: but the door is locked!**

**TT: Then break a window.**

**EB: but it's my dad's car :(**

**TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.**

**TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves.**

**EB: alright.**

Rose picked the car up and lifted it to the balcony. However, before she could reach the top, her battery died and the connection with John was lost. The car fell below the clouds, taking a piece of the driveway with it.

_RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE. _John was inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happened. He double checked his PDA to make sure if Rose was really gone. Indeed, it seemed to be the case. **TG **was still pestering him, of course, but another chum was logged in now as well.

_WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?_

**GG: im back!**

**EB: oh hi!**

**GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard**

**EB: was it by any chance a meteor?**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: how did you know?**

**EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!**

**EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?**

**GG: no i am fine!**

**GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it**

**GG: and its pretty big!**

**GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it**

**GG: so i came home**

**GG: he seems to think its dangerous!**

**EB: well gosh, he's probably right!**

**GG: anyway what have you been up to john?**

**GG: oh! did you get my package yet? :O**

**EB: er...**

**EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.**

**GG: oh no!**

**EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.**

**EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.**

**GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!**

**EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.**

**EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.**

**EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!**

**GG: O_O**

**GG: well...**

**GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but...**

**GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!**

**GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny**

**GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!**

**EB: wow, you think so?**

**GG: yes!**

**EB: well ok, BUT.**

**EB: it's not even that simple!**

**EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.**

**EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!**

**EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!**

**EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.**

**GG: hahaha**

**GG: he is so silly!**

**EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.**

_THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN._

**TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at**

**TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat**

**TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"**

**TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin**

**TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension**

**TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned**

**EB: aaaaaarrrgh!**

**TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick**

**TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit**

**TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint**

**TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention**

**EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass!**

**EB: i have something important to talk about.**

**TG: whats up**

**EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy!**

**TG: ok**

**EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down.**

**EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her!**

**TG: my copy?**

**TG: thats going to be tough**

**EB: why?**

**TG: i lost it**

**TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it**

**TG: shit be embarrassing yo**

**EB: i thought you said you had two?**

**TG: well yeah**

**TG: one is my brothers copy**

**EB: ok, well get his then!**

**TG: alright**

**TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that**

**EB: whatever.**

**EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this.**

**TG: oh man**

**EB: what?**

**TG: nothing really**

**TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?**

**EB: /ROLLS EYES**

Rose's laptop was out of battery power. there was only one thing to do. It was time to make her way to the backup generator back behind Jasper's mausoleum. She was about to knit a laptop cozy for her laptop to shield it from the rain, when she realized that it would be such a waste of time! Besides, she already had one in her bag that she'd knitted a while ago. She applied the cozy to her laptop and captchalogued the laptop. The grimoire was still on the floor, so Rose picked it up, wondering if she should allocate it to her strife specibus. That would have been incredibly ill-advised, however. There were some dark forces you just didn't want to mess with. Rose understood better than most. She put the book back down.

She captchalogued the knitting bag and the grimoire again, in that order. It was always a logistic puzzle when it came to her tree modus. The tree auto-balanced, leaving the knitting bag accessible in the root card. Rose proceeded to allocate her knitting needles to her strife specibus. She felt a lot more comfortable with them as a weapon. She was so handy with them, in fact, she felt like she could probably use them filet a sword fish.

In allocating the knitting needles to the strife specibus, Rose lost her root card, severing the tree. Hey, she had to be careful with all that stuff! Thankfully she managed to catch the grimoire and laptop before they hit the ground though.

She wondered what she could do to soothe her nervous. Quickly, of course, before she went over to the mausoleum. She decided to knit a plush cthulhu doll. But that would also have been a preposterous waste of time! Besides, she was quite sure she'd never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are other specimens of the zoologically dubious that she was familiar with. Such as…

Fthulhu: Foul Patriarch of Misery. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle was to know the Epoch of Joy had come to an abrupt end.

Nrub'yglith, Shamebeast King of Grotesquery, Writhe Lord of the Moist Brotherhood. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks caused one's bones to explode.

And of course, Oglogoth, The Deep One. Whenever he ground his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere would frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He was the first and smallest of the Smaller Gods, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of Middling Gods which catered to the whims of the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the Furthest Ring.

And then… there was a strange page in the grimoire containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. She'd never been sure what the diagrams were getting at. They looked like images of windows and plugs.

Rose captchalogued the grimoire, laptop in the cozy, and her violin, making her way down the stairs. She figured that had been enough dallying. It was time to get a move on.

She wondered if this rain would ever let up. It had driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knew to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threaded the strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it feared to be impossible to play. And so it threaded on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.

How she hated this season. "April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain" (American sports legend, Charles Barkley).


	8. Book 1 Chapter 8: Dave Strider

Chapter 8. Dave Strider

Rose entered the hallway. She was certain that her mother was lurking near by. She began to steel herself for the inevitable unpleasant confron… OH PSYCHE

There was this really cool dude, okay? He was standing around being all chill, as cool dudes were known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably had a really cool name. But he probably wouldn't say what it was. He'd be way too busy. He'd be way too busy being totally sweet!

But he wondered what his name was. If he were right, he realized, he would nod ever so slightly. Because that was a cool dude's of letting someone know that there might just be hope for them yet without being overly blatant about it.

Insufferable Prick? Of course not! This guy didn't have the time for such bullshit. Dave Strider? The cool dude's shades gleamed ever so slightly.

Dave looked around his room. It was an unseasonably warm April day. His bedroom window was open to let some air in, and his fan was cranked. Arguably even more cranked would have been his fly beats, which was one of his interests. A cool dude like Dave was sure to have had plenty. He had a penchant for spinning out unbelievably ill jams with his turntables and mixing gear. He also liked to rave about bands no one had heard of but himself. He liked to collect weird dead things preserved in various ways and was an amateur photographer, managing his own makeshift darkroom. In addition, he maintained a number of ironically humorous blogs, websites, and social networking profiles. And if inspiration struck, he wouldn't hesitate to drop some phat rhymes on a mofo and _represent_!

Dave wondered if she should retrieve his arms from his cinderblocks. Nah. What about getting the damn Beta and saving his friend's life! The notion struck him as nonsensical. He couldn't quite imagine how a video game could save someone's life, and in any case, he was quite sure that no one he knew was in any danger. Anyway, the copies of the Beta next to his turntables he'd received in the mail recently. He'd labeled them with his name in bold red print to distinguish them from his Bro's copies, who had labeled his in kind. Neither of them really gave a shit about the game or had any intention of playing it, but he'd be damned if he'd let that get in the way of his campaign of one-upmanship.

Dave briefly considered doing something stupid like John and Rose. Maybe he could have bleated like a goat and pissed on his turntables? But, no, alas. He'd never allow any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch his beloved turntables. That would risk breaking them, and a world without the gift of Dave's godly science just didn't sound like a place he wanted any part of. While he was at it, he might as well have wiped out human civilization with something ridiculous like a meteor or something. That would probably never happen anyway though. That sort of thing only happened in stupid idiot movies for stupid idiots. He did, however, actually contemplate bleating like a goat for ironically humorous purposes at a later date.

Dave's closet was where he kept a lot of his crap. Like that blue box an that bottle of… what was that? Was that…

He looked inside the blue box. It was a little birthday package that John Egbert had sent him for his 13th birthday. It now contained nothing but a note and a certificate of authenticity vouching for the genuine Hollywood memorabilia that the box had originally contained, and which he was now wearing to be ironic but also to be incredibly cool in a way somehow intangibly related to the ironic nature of the accessory. Dave found it sort of exasperating to explain these subtleties to people. The box also included a signed photo of Ben Stiller which now proudly hung in his closet. Proudly and ironically.

He captchalogued the box into his sylladex through the hash map fetch modus. The hash function resolved the index by valuing each consonant at 2 and each vowel at 1. The total was then divided by the number of cards in what was called a modulus, and the remainder was the index.

BOX = 2 + 1 + 2 = 5.

5 % 10 = 5.

The box was captchalogued into card 5 of Dave's sylladex.

Dave proceeded to look at the jar of the unknown yellow substance in his closet. Oh hell yes. It was an unopened container of apple juice! He thought he'd been all out. It was like fucking christmas up in there. This was so great. Dave had to tell John about it immediately. He'd be so excited. Dave captchalogued the "juice".

JUICE = (2 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 1) % 10 = 7

The jar was sent into card 7 of his sylladex.

Dave stepped over to his computer. In addition to letting his buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, he figured he'd wish the boy a happy birthday while he was at it. In his own cool, roundabout way, of course. Good thing he'd looked that box John had sent him, or else he would have forgotten. Dave also might as well ask him about the Beta. The kid had been harping on him and the others about it for weeks. It would have be cool if it came on John's birthday. He would have been one happy camper.

Dave's desktop background was from one of his favorite comics, _And it Don't Stop_. On his desktop he had two red folders, one entitled "Ill Beats" and the other "Dope rhymes. So dope." Also on his desktop sat his three main programs - his web browser Hephaestus, Pesterchum 7.0, and Complete Bullshit.

He opened Pesterchum and looked at the moods. It was certainly an improvement from that silly Pesterchum 6.0, which had a very large variety of moods. It went: Chummy, Mystified, Amazing, Insolent, Bemused, Pranky, Smooth, Pleasant, and Rancorous. And this time all of the logos were different. For example, Smooth had a logo with a yellow face and black shades.

He pestered John, as has been seen before, and then he hopped online, viewing sites indicative of his interests. The first was .com. This was Dave's ironically maintained blog where he posted monthly satirical review of GameBro Magazine. The March issue main article was entitled "grand snack fuckyeah" and the cover was of various types of chips coalesced into some sort of colorful chip collage.

review of gamebro's march issue - March 13, 2009.

oh man.

when this heady volume of unabridged awesome hit my doorstep it made a sort of thunderclap, like the kind im sure moses heard when god dropped stone tablets containing a review of a game involving the ambiguous marriage of insane stunts and extreme hunger management solutions for dudes on the go. it's like you see that little bag of chips there? you just grab it and go bro, and keep thrashing shit up.

i am so "hella pumped of" this. there are some obvious questions. like just HOW outrageous are these snacks? will popular beverages play a role, and how critical will they be in your quest to attain absolute sweetness? Will this game land the coveted but elusive 5 hats out of 5 hats?

Dave had been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but he'd sort of been dogging it. Something about the game they'd been reviewing somehow hadn't struck Dave as ripe for satirical purposes.

In a new tab, Dave opened another one of his sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of his blog. It was called _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff,_ or SBAHJ for short. He had legions of devoted fans, most of whom were totally convinced of his creative persona's sincerity. Which was just how he liked it.

COMIC #1: man listen, stairs. i am TELLING you!

Sweet Bro: i can't wait to be a useless piece of shit all day and play all these games

Sweet Bro: FUCK IM FALLING DOWN ALL THESE STAIRS ….

Hella Jeff: I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO! I TOLD YOU DOG!

Sweet Bro: IT KEEPS HAPPENING

Hella Jeff: I TOLD YOU MAN. I **TOLD** YOU ABOUT STAIRS!

COMIC #2: HE HE HE

Sweet Bro: ERRR… UH BRO….?

Hella Jeff: YEAH DUDE

Sweet Bro: WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS…..?

Hella Jeff: i took them offbecause i was banging your mom for a minute there….

Hella Jeff: AND NOW YOU ARE BANGING HER

Hella Jeff: HE HE HE

That was enough. Dave decided to check out the latest page of the Midnight Crew. He figured as long as he was chilling at his computer he might as well see how that new MSPA story was going. He hadn't looked at it for a while.

**Midnight Crew**

You are members of a sinister gang called the midnight crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in their complexity. Your schemes convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?

**Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes.**

Spades Slick uses Occam's Razor to carve a circular hole into the heist plans, freeing it from the knife. You wonder what moron would jam the knife so hard into the table in the first place.

**SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout. Implement nefarious plots**

You push against the manhole cover, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your getaway van on top of it. A familiar feeling stirs. That feeling is overwhelming, soul-blackening rage. It's the sort of rage that will make a man feel totally justified in sporting an unnecessarily elaborate assortment of fancy blades.

Dave wasn't sure where he'd left off, so he jumped way ahead. He always forgot to save his place in the story. It appeared as though tempers may have become short in the pressure cooker already. He speculated that the tipping point may have been an ill-advised motion for a game of 52 pick-up.

There was a club on the floor and a large chunk missing from Hearts Boxcar's door, through which came a wire plugging in a blender to the side. A mysterious arm extended from a blue portal in the door. Hmm… Dave went back a page. It wasn't there. He went back to the page he had just been on, only to find that it had disappeared again. Hm. That was odd. Dave thought little of it, however, because the Midnight Crew were now hitting each other over the head with arbitrary weapons. The table had collapsed somehow, the legs broken off.

Dave clicked save. Even though the adventure had just begun, it was already over 3000 pages long. He didn't have time for that bullshit. He'd catch up later. Besides, someone was pestering him. He was pretty sure he knew who it was.

**TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.**

**TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.**

**TG: what oh no**

**TG: no look**

**TG: im busy ok**

**TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate**

**TG: i am sort of a big deal ok?**

**TT: I know.**

**TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants.**

**TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog."**

**TG: seriously**

**TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right**

**TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate**

**TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses.**

**TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help?**

**TG: yeah!**

**TG: i mean damn**

**TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet**

**TG: an orphan or something i dont know**

**TG: face flush on the pavement**

**TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?**

**TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off**

**TT: Heavy is the crown.**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess**

**TT: Breathtaking magnanimity!**

**TG: among other things**

**TG: i just give and fucking give**

**TT: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.**

**TG: oh for fucks sake**

**TG: youre just lobbying for me to play that dumb game**

**TT: Baseless accusation!**

**TG: look i am telling you**

**TG: egbert is ALL ABOUT that game**

**TG: he will play it with you and probably be tickled retarded about it**

**TT: I know this very well.**

**TT: I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however.**

**TG: yeah yeah**

**TG: ill hassle him some more about it**

**TG: and look how about this**

**TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play**

**TG: will that make you happy**

**TT: More than you know.**

**TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.**

_JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP DOING NOTHING._Meanwhile in the present, in a place where "the present" may have been of dubious merit, John was spacing out.

But a vague and forceful thought jolted him to attention. Or maybe it was that bumping sound coming from the other side of the door. What was that?

⇒ _? _A thick, black, unpleasant fluid pooled out from beneath the door.

_TROUBLING. INVESTIGATE THIS. _John exited the balcony. There was a trail of the fluid in the hall leading to his room.

Dave decided he'd had enough of his computer for a while. He felt like he'd been messing around on it all week. It was time to get his jam on. He pulled up to his trusty Akai MPC-1000 Sampler and prepared to get sicknasty.

Dave wasted the next ten minutes playing hauntingly sick beats. They were so fresh they belonged in the produce aisle, what was he was talking about. Soccer mom's would be thumpin' that shit for ripeness like melons. Know what I'm sayin'? It would have been a crime to not reward himself with a celebratory SWIG of juice.

SWIG = (2 + 2 + 1 + 2) % 10 = 7.

The apple juice flew out of his sylladex and into his hand. He popped the top off, but… but… he couldn't do it! John had got him all twisted up inside now. All he could about was Howie Mandel's gross monster piss. Damn you, Egbert! He recaptchalogued the juice.

Dave was about to allocate the swords on his wall to his strife specibus, when he remembered that it was already allocated with the bladekind abstratus! Which meant that he could certainly use his swords in his strife deck! He could wield the ninja sword once it was in his strife deck. But he'd have to captchalogue it first before moving it there. So Dave captchalogued the NINJA SWORD.

NINJA SWORD = 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 = 17.

17 % 10 = 7.

The ninja sword was captchalogued in Dave's 7 card, expelling the JUICE (7) from his sylladex. It splashed all over his turntables and his copies of the Beta. Argh!

Dave decided to get a towel from the bathroom across the hall. He glanced at one of the many radical puppets in his Bro's collection that was hanging in the hallway and nodded in approval. Was there anything not awesome about his Bro? Dave thought not.

He entered the bathroom. On the floor was a damp towel that he could probably use for the crisis. He stopped to pay a little respect to one of his Bro's boys up in the shower.

"Hey lil' man. How's it hangin'?"

He captchalogued the DAMP TOWEL.

DAMP TOWEL = 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 15.

15 % 10 = 5.

The damp towel was captchalogued in Dave's 5 card, expelling the BOX (5) from his sylladex. Dave set the box on the toilet and wrung out the towel to make it less damp. Now it was just a TOWEL.

TOWEL = 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 8.

8 % 10 = 8.

The towel was captchalogued in his sylladex, and he grabbed the BOX (5) again while he was at it. He returned to his room to CLEAN (2 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 2 = 8 % 10 =8) the juice up as best he could with the TOWEL (8). He hung the Beta Client and Server copies up by his window to dry off. In the breeze of his room fan, the betas jostled near the open window. The arrangement was disconcerting. If they fell out, it would sure be a stupid way to lose them.

Dave turned the fan off, averting the crisis. He couldn't imagine that it would resurface later in any way, shape, or form. The beta was as good as his, forever.

He thought about pestering Egbert again. Yeah, he wondered if the boy had gotten the Beta yet. He thought they might also chat about their respective sylladices and fetch modi, if the topic happened to come up. Dave wondered if John was anywhere near as smooth with his sylladex as Dave was with his. Probably not. It probably wasn't even humanly possi…

Suddenly, a rambunctious crow flew in through the open window and snatched the Beta up with its vile talons. Perhaps it wanted to build a nest, or perhaps it was just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.

"Stop!" Dave yelled.

STOP = (2 + 2 + 1 + 2) = 7 % 10 = 7.

The ninja sword was accidentally launched out of his sylladex and everything went flying, dead bird and all. Dave put his hands over his mouth. No one could ever know about this.

He looked out the window. Yeah, he could pretty much kiss all that stuff goodbye. He felt sorry for the bird, but at least he'd never planned on ever using that Beta, ever.

Anyway, now that that bit of ugliness was behind him, he figured he could look forward to several more hours of messing around in his room WOAH WAIT WHAT?! Was that a wizard?


	9. Book 1 Chapter 9: Of Wizards and Imps

Chapter 9: Of Wizards and Imps

Rose prepared to descend the stairs to her living room. She was standing eye-to-eye with a familiar foe, a 20-foot tall granite statue of the mighty wizard, Zazzerpan the learned. Her Mom had had him installed through a hole in the roof with a heavy-duty crane. Just look at that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes was to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face was to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker would surely have all his dreams fulfilled. Rose found the grisly abomination utterly detestable.

She would psychoanalyze her Mom's love for wizards if there were anything to psychoanalyze at all. Her Mom clearly had no actual affinity for the damnable things. She only collected them to spite Rose. If anything, Rose's Mom found them even more repellent than Rose herself. She was just a very committed woman.

Rose descended the stairs to the living room area of her home's expansive open layout. There was the sound of rushing water from beneath the floor, which tended to strike guests as a strange presence in a living space, but it'd become hardly audible to Rose through familiarity.

There was the front door. But hopefully there was no need to make the long trek around the house through the pouring rain. She might as well have seen if she could slip through the kitchen and out the back unnoticed.

Rose looked at the solid copper vacuum statue. Actually it was bronze. But it hadn't always been. A while ago, Rose had given the ironic gift to her Mom for Mother's Day. Rose had even customized it with a drink holder to support one of her ubiquitous alcoholic beverages. Her Mom had "liked" the gift so much, she'd had it bronzed and placed on a pedestal. She'd even left it plugged in so it could be turned on now and then. But never to do any cleaning. It never left the display. Sometimes at night, when Rose was in her room, she could hear it wailing downstairs. Her Mom must have known that she could hear it. She was completely deranged.

Rose looked over at the pretty princess doll as well. It was too big to captchalogue, a large doll that had been sitting on the couch for the past few months, ever since her Mom had gotten it for her on her birthday as a totally passive-aggressive gesture. Rose had decided to make it much less abominable by knitting Her Majesty a new head and new arms to make her an eldritch princess. Rose smiled mischievously every time she walked by the doll now. Her Mom hadn't removed the doll yet, and probably never would. She would never be the first to blink.

Rose grabbed an umbrella for protection from the elements.

U L. Right side of the tree.

U V. Left branch of the right side.

She was going to have a hell of a time accessing that card when she needed it. She guessed she'd just cross that bridge later.

Rose peeked into the kitchen, where the liquor bottles were out in full force. Her Mom was surely nearby. Her refrigerator sat in the dead center of the room. Its surfaces had customarily served as the battlefield for a chilly siege of passive-aggressive one-upmanship. There was a drawing on the top of her cat Jaspers which she'd done when she'd been younger, along with a poem about him. Rose's Mom had bought an ostentatious $15,000 dollar silver frame for it that she had welded to the door.

Using the colorful magnetic letters on the bottom of the fridge, Rose had recently left a succinct message, "shrevv," which may or may not have been directed at anyone in particular. She hadn't been able to find any w's, so she'd just stuck two v's together.

Her mother had then purchased a pack of w's and left them there for Rose's convenience. Appreciative of the thoughtful gesture, Rose had left her a sincere thank you note, which she'd had legally notarized, and then marked with a drop of blood.

But part of the note had been touching the floor, so Rose's Mom had been kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a velvet pillow.

Rose ripped open the pack of w's and held one in front of her face as a fake moustache. This was incredibly silly, and she was not sure how it fit into her campaign against her mother or getting her computer back online to escape her DOOM! But it was hard to resist getting a bit silly sometimes, especially when she was positively sure that no one was watching. Except for you, the reader. But you don't exactly count.

Rose captchalogued the w.

W L. W V. Right branch of the right side of the tree.

But that unsightly void in the w pack wouldn't do, nor would the gash in the plastic. Rose deposited 12 cents in its place, which was her approximation of how much the letter was worth. She also vowed to return and sow up the tear in the plastic.

How was she going to one-up her mother next? She had to address the pillow situation somehow. It seemed the woman had Rose at a clear disadvantage. Perhaps slipping a fresh doily under the pillow would do the trick? Or maybe spilling a drop of worcestershire sauce, and then having it dry-cleaned and returned along with a laboriously ingratiating apology letter? No, there was no time for anything like that.

"Or maybe," she said, "(just thinking aloud here), I could use the entire pack of w's as m's!" Oh yes, that would burn, but she'd already done something with the w pack. There was no need to go back and gild that lily. This was delicate business. And that pillow was screaming for rebuttal.

Finally, she decided to captchalogue the pillow, lovingly embroider a poem on it in praise of motherhood, and then return it before anyone noticed it was gone.

Ve (Velvet Pillow) L. Ve Vi. Ve U. Right branch of the left side of the right side of the tree.

So unbalanced. Except the tree auto-balanced, leaving the umbrella accessible as the root card. That was just one of the many things Rose loved about her tree modus. The happy surprises.

But enough was enough. Rose turned to exit the house via the back door when, suddenly, a wild Mom appeared! Rose wasn't sure how she did that. She was never safe in her house as long as her mother was around. Rose jumped back and hid behind the fridge before her Mom could spot her. She peered around the corner. Of all the things to be doing during a power outage, she was sweeping the floor, up to her ironic housewife routine again. The mop bucket didn't even have any water in it, Rose was sure. What an absolute madwoman. This bird had to fly.

Rose sprinted for the couch, leaping over the counter. Her Mom stopped sweeping to watch the girl fly in an arc over the couch in a youth roll. Except she landed in a pile of wizard statuettes on the floor. Lousy goddamn stupid things.

Meanwhile, in the past again, Dave had almost finished patching up the broken window with the gaffer tape. But it was sort of hard to get any work done when people kept pestering him all day. He figured he had better see who wanted what now.

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **at 18:36 - **

**GG: hi dave!**

**TG: hey sup**

**GG: not much sup with you!**

**GG: bro! hehehe**

**TG: haha**

**TG: good one**

**TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes**

**GG: great! feeling cool today?**

**GG: mr cool guy?**

**TG: oh man you know it**

**GG: sooooo cooooooool!**

**TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here**

**TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you**

**GG: :D**

**GG: so have you talked to john today?**

**TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex**

**TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous**

**GG: lol**

**GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!**

**TG: what was it you use again...**

**TG: wait nm**

**TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john**

**GG: :)**

**GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet**

**GG: i think it did!**

**TG: yeah?**

**GG: and i think mine came too**

**TG: so uh**

**TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?**

**GG: no!**

**GG: he will not open it**

**GG: he will lose it!**

**TG: oh**

**TG: uh**

**TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?**

**GG: no its good actually!**

**GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it**

**GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!**

**TG: see like**

**TG: i never get how you know these things**

**GG: i dont know**

**GG: i just know that i know!**

**TG: hmm alright**

**GG: anyway i have to go!**

**GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking**

**TG: man**

**TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off**

**GG: heheheh!**

**GG: i dont think i could if i tried!**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok**

**GG: ._.**

**GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain**

**GG: it is usually...**

**GG: intense!**

**TG: well yeah isnt it always with family**

**TG: but he sounds like a total badass**

**GG: yeah he totally is!**

**GG: anyway gotta go!**

**TG: see ya**

**GG: 3**

Dave picked up his PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8 % 10 = 8), figuring it was good to have it on standby at all times so that he wouldn't have to go back to his computer every time someone pestered him. This way he could TEXT MESSAGE (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2+1+2+1 = 18 % 10 = 8) people no matter what outrageously cool or ironic thing he happened to be doing at the time.

The TOWEL (2+1+2+1+2 = 8 % 10 = 8) got expelled from his sylladex. SO. COOL. The towel landed on his head.

Even meanerwhile, in the present. Sort of...

_JOHN, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO THAT ROOM. _He entered the room. Once again, the slippery antagonist had eluded John. He only found more of those unpleasant black oily smears. Someone was pestering him. Both his PDA and computer were going off.

_THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO._

**TG: alright**

**TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game**

**EB: oh, good!**

**EB: yeah, there is no sign of rose yet, i hope she is ok**

**TG: well if she comes back ill be ready**

**TG: you better know what youre talking about cause this could get ugly**

**TG: brought my phone and i also took my awesome katana with me in case things get too hot to handle**

**TG: and they always do**

**EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall?**

**TG: FU**

**TG: its sharp and its awesome and its a sword**

**TG: end of story**

**EB: ok i don't really care.**

**EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house.**

**EB: like monsters or something.**

**TG: howie?**

**EB: haha I WISH.**

**TG: dude monsters arent real**

**TG: thats stupid kids stuff for stupid babies**

**EB: maybe. yeah you're right.**

**TG: what are you an idiot**

**TG: of course there are monsters in your house**

**TG: youre in some weird evil monster dimension come on**

**TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes**

**TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed"**

**TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it**

**TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet**

**TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN"**

**TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there**

**EB: ok ok stop!**

**EB: what do i do?**

**TG: what do you have a hammer**

**TG: man so lame**

**TG: ok whatever**

**TG: you should look into weaponizing your sylladex**

**TG: my bro is always getting on my case about it but man its not as easy as it sounds**

**TG: but if youre fighting monsters left and right you dont have much choice**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: ok, i guess i can read up on data structures some more.**

**EB: how's it going there?**

**TG: im out in the living room hes usually here**

**TG: but i dont see him**

**TG: might be playing his mind games hes always pulling this ninja shit**

**TG: all i see is lil cal over there so i guess he cant be far**

**EB: hahaha.**

**EB: oh god.**

**EB: SO LAME.**

**TG: what**

**EB: see...**

**EB: i just don't know why you think it's cool.**

**EB: his ventriloquist rapping thing.**

**TG: oh lil cal? no man**

**TG: lil cal is the shit**

**EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.**

**TG: yeah bullshit**

**TG: cal is dope**

**TG: puppets are awesome**

**TG: john egbert blows**

**TG: the end**

**EB: yeah, more like the opposite of all those things is the thing that is true!**

**EB: i'm going to read.**

**EB: good luck with your bro.**

_READ YOUR BOOK. STAY WARY OF THESE FOES. _Pff… monsters. Only retarded babies who pooped in their diapers believed in that stuff. John held _Data Structures for Assholes_ in both hands and prepared to begin reading. Meanwhile, at the same time at least, something was chewing on his bed. This something was all black and wore a jester hat.

Rose attempted to perform another youth roll out the door, but her Mom appeared and blocked her way.

**STRIFE!**

Rose began aggrieving. She wielded her knitting needles and hit her Mom repeatedly with them until the woman performed the very effective Blotto-Parry. Her Mom then used Guardian Rubric: Ironic Indulgence and procured a beautiful pony. Rose countered with a passive-aggressive attack, pretending to jump at her Mom, but at the last second, she turned, did a roll, and placed the needles in the electric socket in an empty suicide threat. Rose's Mom then used another Guardian Rubric: Ironic Indulgence, holding her alcoholic drink in front of Rose's face. Rose abstained by Auto-Perrier-ing.

Rose's Mom turned and began to ironically dust the door. It seemed as though she had fulfilled her Strife quota for the day. No point in going out the front door anymore, not with her Mom there. She might as well have headed out the black, like she'd originally planned.

She looked at the beautiful pony and gave her a begrudging pat on the snout. Her name was Maplehoof.

_JOHN TURN AROUND! _He's trying to read, okay? That book is already unpleasant enough as it is without weird voices in his head nagging him to do things. Besides, I thought we already agreed there is no such thing as monsters.

Chapter 7

God Damn It, Why Do I Even Bother?

The good news: finally your revolting incompetence can be put to use. Instead of accidentally firing a sylladex full of steak knives into a priceless oil painting or your beloved great aunt, you can turn that fumbling fury toward one of your foes, such as the ability to grasp painfully simple concepts. The bad news: I'm tired of explaining myself hoarse to you jibbering fuckwads. In this chapter I will be phoning it in with the liberal use of diagrams and shitty clip art. What are you going to do about it? You are going to wriggle in your own viscous secretions like the worms you are. That's what.

Here. Learn something for a change:

At this point, there was a series of fairly incomprehensible drawings about a sylladex. John guessed that the point was that the book was trying to say that if you captchalogued something extra into a sylladex with the stack modus in use, the last item would be knocked out.

asshole notes!

Purse your lips together to form a stiff pucker. Apply them firmly to my rear end. I now pronounce you man and wife.

Now get in the kitchen and make my ass some dinner, bitch.

⇒_! _Fine, John would interrupt his reading and turn around, but he didn't possibly see oh my god it was a monster.

⇒⇒⇒_!_

**STRIFE!**

The shale imp (for that was what it was) used the Don't Move or the Bunny Gets It attack, shaking the dirty bunny in John's face. John removed the sledgehammer from his strife deck and wielded it, preparing for battle.

"Put the bunny back in the box!" He yelled and then tried to pick up the sledgehammer. He fell over in the process, the handle and hammer of the sledgehammer separating as well.

Rose left her house through the back door. Nearby was her transformer which distributed electricity from the underground generator powered by the underground river that flowed under her house. The transformer had been struck by lightning, though, and it no longer worked. Rose wondered if her Mom had any plans to get it fixed. She guessed that the woman would rather play mind games with her in a dark house like a weirdo. She could see the mausoleum from her vantage point, as well as the portable generator to the side. She was almost there.


	10. Book 1 Chapter 10: The Medium

Chapter 10: The Medium

_GET UP JOHN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER._John sat up.

**STRIFE!**

John hit the imp repeatedly with the sledgehammer handle. He was winning! The imp had about half-life left. And then the imp went on the aggressive, hitting John hard with the bunny. It proceeded to wave the damn thing in front of his face. Just PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX!

Rose used her umbrella, expelling all the other items out of her sylladex. She regathered the items, leaving the rather magnetic w stuck to the transformer and began the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.

_JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON! _John sat up again.

**STRIFE! AGAIN!**

John picked up the sledgehammer head behind him, expelling one of the harlequin statuettes and hitting the imp. He picked the statuette up again, expelling the telescope and hitting the imp. He picked up the telescope again, expelling the towel, which did nothing. He picked up the towel again, expelling the Cruxite totem. The imp deflected the totem and it hit John, flying into the box John had gotten from Dave. He picked up the totem again, expelling the PDA. It hit the imp and bounced off. John ran up the side of the wall and leaped, catching the PDA midair with a Sweet Catch!, expelling the sledgehammer head, which hit the imp and killed it immediately.

There was a huge windfall of grist on the floor. The bunny, covered in slime and dirt, sat happily on top of a green captchalogue card. Oh, and grist restored life too, apparently. John picked up the grist, receiving 32 build grist and 10 shale, which was the purple grist type.

_YOU SAID_

_PUT THE BUNNY_

_BACK IN_

_THE BOX!_

The bunny went into the box and came out the other side as the flaps flopped open on the back. Now why couldn't he have put the bunny back in the box?

_NOW EXULT. VICTORY, SPOILS ARE YOURS._

The amazing victory allowed John to climb his echeladder two rungs, going from being a Greentike to a Juvesquirt to a Plucky Tot. His gel viscosity went up by 15 and his cache limit went up by 30. The mysterious feather in his intangible hat turned pink and white, and he received 125 boondollars, which he wasted little time in storing in his ceramic porkhollow. In having expanded his cache limit, he'd made room for all that nice grist he'd just collected.

_WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD. _The card? Oh, the green captchalogue card. Actually, it appeared to be a bunnykind strife specibus. The imp had allocated its specibus to allow for wielding the bunny. It was sort of a stupid thing to use as a weapon, but he grabbed it anyway and stuck the bunny in his strife deck. It would at least be safer there. He grouped the two specibi (bunnykind and… handlekind? In breaking the sledgehammer, his specibus had changed) in his strife portfolio. No self-respecting strifer would be caught dead without one.

_GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER. _John picked up the sledgehammer handle, expelling the useless harlequin figurine. Oh, that was odd. In changing the strife specibus to handlekind, the specibus had expelled the hammer head.

_NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER. _John merged the pieces of the sledgehammer in his sylladex, repairing the hammerkind specibus in the process. The smaller hammer handle was ejected from the strife deck, since of course handles of any sort no longer belonged in there. Obviously.

_FINE. NOW WHAT _Dave was pestering him, but John didn't have time to deal with his nonsense right now. Something was amiss in his room. He couldn't quite put his finger on it…

Rose turned on the backup generator and entered the mausoleum, dragging the cord along with her. It of course would have been foolish to run the generator inside a confined space. Generator safety was everyone's business.

She knocked Jaspers' coffin off his pedestal, defiling the tomb in the process.

"Sorry Jaspers," she said quietly. "I had to make space for the laptop. Besides, your final resting place is already a mockery. You should've decomposed years ago under a bed of petunias like a normal cat. Not given to a taxidermist and fitted with a small, custom-tailored suit, and then stuffed in a coffin for infants.

She plugged in her computer and connected to the internet again. Predictably, everything fell out of her sylladex, but she wasn't about to get bent out of shape about it. She had bigger fish to fry. It seemed as though Dave had noticed that she was online again. He pestered her like clockwork. Oh, and there was John. Whatever could he have been up to?

_THE DOOR, JOHN. LOOK AT THE DOOR. _Oh yeah, you're right. Hadn't Rose yanked the door of its hinges and set it on his bed? Someone (or something) had put it back and left it slightly ajar.

_INCREDIBLY ALARMING. INVESTIGATE. _John pulled on the door handle. Immediately, a bucket of water fell onto John's head, lowering his prankster's gambit. There was a fairly loud "Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" In front of John stood, or rather, floated, his Nanna as a jester sprite thing.

Both Rose and Dave were pestering him, but John needed to interrogate his dead grandmother

In the meantime, Rose and Dave were having a conversation:

**TG: oh there you are**

**TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what**

**TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.**

**TG: oh well thats a relief**

**TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now**

**TT: Working on it?**

**TG: yeah my bros copy long story**

**TG: hey**

**TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets**

**TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little**

**TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?**

**TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all**

**TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever**

**TG: or semi-semi ironic**

**TG: man i dont even know**

**TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up**

**TT: I've seen his websites.**

**TT: I like them.**

**TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD**

**TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that**

**TG: with those dead eyes jesus**

**TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out**

**TT: Interesting...**

**TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream**

**TG: youre going to have a field day with that**

**TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.**

**TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.**

**TG: yeah im gonna get moving**

**TG: oh have you heard from john**

**TG: hes not answering me**

**TT: He won't answer me either.**

**TT: But I am watching him.**

**TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.**

**TG: hahahahaha**

**TG: alright im out**

**TG: later**

"Um... nanna?" John asked cautiously.

"Yes, dear!" Nannasprite replied.

"Wow, you scared the living daylights out of me!" He said in relief. Nannasprite smiled, or would have, if sprites could smile.

"Hoo hoo hoo!" She laughed.

"Well, I guess it was a really great prank. Good one, Nanna. Anyway, are you really my dead Nanna?"

"Of course, John. I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father!" she replied with a short laugh.

"Ok, I guess I'll take your word for it. I don't remember you at all! My Dad said you were really young when I died. Hey, speaking of which, do you know where he is? I looked everywhere for him!"

"Your father," said Nannasprite slowly and with an air of urgency, "was kidnapped!"

"Oh no!" John cried.

"When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here was awakened," she said.

"Okay," John said, a bit confused, "So what's this Medium you're talking about?"

"It is where we are now!" Nannasprite answered enthusiastically. "It is a realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe."

"You mean, because we're in a computer, or in the game software or something?" John asked, perplexed.

"A computer?" Nannasprite asked, an expression of confusion prominently displayed upon her face. "What is that, dear? Some kind of new fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?"

"Well, uh…" John began. "It's like this machine, um…" He was having difficulty explaining the computer. "It's a machine that, uh…"

Nannasprite laughed. "Of course I know what a computer is, John! I was just pulling your leg. Hoo hoo hoo!"

"Oh, ok," John said, relieved that he didn't have to explain the concept.

"No, John," Nannasprite shook her head. "You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has!"

"I'm not sure I get it," John said slowly, "but alright. So what do I actually have to be doing here?"

Nannasprite sighed. "I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!"

**NANNASPRITE: Above ****The Medium****, beyond ****The Seven Gates****, residing at the core of ****The Incipisphere** **is a place known as ****Skaia****.**

**NANNASPRITE: Legend holds that ****Skaia** **exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!**

**NANNASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!**

**NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate. **

**NANNASPRITE: Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever... that is, until you showed up!**

"Wait, me?" John asked in surprise.

**NANNASPRITE: Yes, you, John! **

**NANNASPRITE: Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall the****Sprite****'s previous incarnation, which resulted from its ****Kernel****'s "hatching". **

**NANNASPRITE: You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of ****Kernels****, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch! **

**NANNASPRITE: One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an ****Orb** **atop a ****Spire****, of which there are three others in kind.****The Four Spires** **are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective ****Sovereign Powers****! **

**NANNASPRITE: And once the ****Kernels** **are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil. **

**NANNASPRITE: This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!**

_A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN. ⇒ _"Wow, really?" John asked aloud in awe. "Then what's the point?"

**NANNASPRITE: That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is ****The Ultimate Riddle****!**

"Whoa!" John said.

**NANNASPRITE: For now, your objective is to proceed towards ****Skaia****, and pass through ****The First Gate** **situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skills! **

"How am i supposed to get up there?" John asked her.

**NANNASPRITE: You build!**

⇒_!_"Ok, I think I get it now!" John said. "So I guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? Well, I don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then I can save my Dad!"

"Yes, John!" Nannasprite exclaimed.

"And then after that," John continued excitedly, "we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save Earth from destruction!"

"Oh no, I'm afraid not!" Nannasprite said with a shake of her spritely head.

⇒_? _

"Your planet is done for, dear!" Nannasprite said sadly, "There is nothing you can do about that!"

"Oh…" John trailed off.

"Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though!" His Nanna said excitedly.

"And that is?" John asked.

"HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!"

_YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT._

"John, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed," Nannasprite said. If she could have put her hand on his shoulder, John thought, she would have.

"Thanks, Nanna," John replied.

"You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats!"

"Hooray!" John cried.

"I am going to go bake you some cookies," Nannasprite said.

"..." John didn't reply.

_THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES. PURSUE HER. _Oh God dammit, that was just what John needed. _More_ baked goods.

_JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO GET THEM _John totally abjured the hell out of that idea, shaking his head furiously He was so busy, abjuring, in fact, he didn't even notice that Rose had been trying to pester him the entire time.

Rose picked up Dave's birthday box and gave John a swift drubbing in the noggin, but he was undeterred. That was some fit he was throwing!

She decided to take this spare moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale. It also behooved her to record her thoughts on these latest developments in her GameFaq Walkthrough/Journal. It could be hard finding time to update it. Actually, in retrospect, she wasn't even sure were she'd found the time to write what was already there.

"Oh, is that so, Jaspers? And just who do you think you're looking at with that smug grin?" The last thing she needed was sass from a dead cat. It was pretty much all his fault she was in the current mess, so he could just button it.

_JOHN. COOKIES. NOW. _John refused outright.

_THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE. GO GET THE COOKIES! _Well, when you put it so politely, how could John decline.

_JOHN YOU ARE STUPID. _And you really need to work on your manners.

_STUPID STUPID DUMB_ That's not a command. It's… it's nothing! It's stupid. You're stupid.

_FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy _It's just not going to happen buddy.

Years in the future, but really not enough to write home about, an agitated finger slipped mid-keystroke, turning Caps Lock off.

A compartment behind WV (Wayward Vagabond) opened, revealing a potted plant, a variety of food cans, and a book on human etiquette. WV picked up the items in excitement, surprise, and joy. What an amazing gift!


	11. Book 1 Chapter 11: Plush Rump

Chapter 11: Plush Rump

==================================================================================  
[B100] The Long and Short. The Medium too.

I may have been a bit hasty in advising you not to bother with the prototyping  
process. If I spared any detail, it was only to optimize your chances of survival.  
And if you find yourself begrudging the absence of certain instructions, which if  
followed would have resulted in your demise, then I guess that makes two of us.

Otherwise, you're welcome.

But the fact appears to be that prototyping the Kernelsprite before making your  
getaway may offer the only opportunity to exercise control over your new  
environment, a place known as The Medium. Also, if prototyped with one (or two)  
sufficiently—albeit loosely—humanoid and/or sentient element/s (living or  
otherwise), it offers the chance to have all this explained to you by an  
apparitional guide through whatever sort of cryptic, sketchy doublespeak your  
choice of prototyping element/s engender/s. In lieu of this, you may be forced to  
settle for my clear, thorough explanations and assiduous dissection of raw data.

Again, don't mention it.

If you have made it to The Medium with an unmolested Vanillasprite, well, I've  
already covered the bad news about this "missed opportunity", and I will go into  
this further soon. Though to what extent this actually is bad news, I'm not sure. I  
know only the result of my co-player's current configuration, wherein the sprite  
was prototyped once before the departure, and once after. Which brings us to the  
good news, which is that you can still prototype after your departure, and salvage  
the massively rewarding experience of haggling with an exposition-slinging phantom  
guide, so long as you avoid prototyping with terribly inert items, such as a brass  
doorknocker and your father's pornography collection.

Actually, that might be interesting. If you are struck by the spirit of such  
experimentation, please don't hesitate to contact me about it.

So, yes, you can enhance your sprite in this way, but doing so after your departure  
will no longer induce this "effect" on The Medium I alluded to. That can only be  
accomplished with one or more pre-departure prototypings. In fact, we can  
extrapolate there are only so many ways to prototype a sprite.

Tiers of prototyping in relation to departure:  
- Both before  
- One before, one after  
- Both after  
- Only one, either before or after  
- None

Those occurring before will affect the Medium through the kernel's "hatching"  
process, and your guide, i.e. the sprite. Those occurring after will only affect  
the sprite.

The effects this process has on The Medium, or more globally, The Incipisphere, are  
still vague to me. They have to do with flavoring the forces you will struggle  
against, and generally, all forces at odds with each other in this realm. It has  
given me some insight into the nature of the game, which again I derive through  
extrapolation. We appear to be engaging an instance of a dimension with a highly  
flexible set parameters, and a series of objectives surrounding an equally flexible  
mythological framework. This framework seems to begin as a sort of blank template,  
and evolves with the players' actions, and likely further evolves with the addition  
of more host/client connections, and thus more prototyped kernels.

I regret to say I can't be much more specific than that, without loosely  
extrapolating further. There are plenty of questions that have occurred to me,  
however. Questions concerning the Kernelsprite, which I've raised implicitly  
already, such as what is the effect of an un-prototyped kernel on The Medium? Or a  
doubly-prototyped kernel, for that matter? And even more salient are questions  
about this dimension itself. Do all players world-wide make it to this dimension if  
they successfully complete their departure? Or is a unique "blank" instance of the  
dimension created for each new player? I have no evidence, but instinct tells me it  
is closer to the latter situation. There is no indication of any other players  
present in this realm. Alterations in the realm seem singularly centered on the  
actions of my co-player and myself. If I had to stake anything on it, I would guess  
every separate client/server pair activates its own fresh copy of an Incipisphere,  
or a unique "session", if you will.

But the quantity of players is a further complication which invites more questions.  
It seems the game was designed to suit two players most naturally, the server and  
the client. But through a mishap, my co-player and I have slipped out of the  
obvious tandem arrangement, and the only logical course of action to continue  
playing is to string a daisy-chain of server/client connections together, until  
presumably the chain is complete. Theoretically, we could complete this chain with  
only one other player, functioning as a server to my client, and the client to my  
current co-player's server (assuming he can recover it).

The strange thing is though, in our instance of this dimension, there are four  
receptacles for divided kernels, not three. Does this mean we are "destined" to  
have a four player chain? How could the game "know" such a thing?

Perhaps it does, and if this proves to be the case, I trust I will be sufficiently  
numbed to the realization. I can consider nothing about this game surprising at  
this point, and in fact from the first moments of play, it managed to deviate so  
far from my expectations that I completely forgot what my original purpose with it  
was. I had chances to test some information I obtained on good authority during the  
prototyping phases, but it completely slipped my mind. Instead, the game's  
catacombs securing the dark twisting paths to necromancy were blundered into rather  
on accident.

But perhaps you don't need to know any of this.

[rethink organization? lead may be waist deep logorrheic sludge. trim down. bleh]

Rose wasn't finished with this yet. Jeez, cut her some slack! Maybe you can go bug someone else for a while (or somewhen else, for that matter).

Months in the past, but not many… It was winter and Rose's entire house was covered in snow. She sat at her computer talking with **GG**.

**GG: hi happy birthday rose! 3**

**TT: Hello, and thanks.**

**GG: did you get johns present yet?**

**TT: I just opened it this very moment. What a stunning coincidence you would ask about it now. I am stunned.**

**GG: yeah i know!**

**GG: what will you make with it?**

**TT: And who said it was something from which something else could be made?**

**GG: well john did tell me what it was duh...**

**TT: I suppose I'll take a stab at learning the craft.**

**TT: It's the least I can do in response to the subtle dig concealed in his gesture.**

**TT: He often tells me I "need a new hobby" when I make perfectly reasonable analytical remarks.**

**GG: oh but rose i dont think he meant anything like that by it!**

**GG: you see not everybody always means the opposite of what they say the way you and dave always do**

**TT: Maybe.**

**TT: His birthday is in a few months, isn't it?**

**GG: yep!**

**GG: i finally finished a present for him**

**GG: ive been working on it for years!**

**TT: Years?**

**TT: It's so hard to tell when you're joking.**

**TT: Or if you're even capable of it.**

**GG: heheheh... :)**

**GG: i just mailed it too so it is sure to get there on time**

**GG: mail takes a while to get anywhere from here!**

**TT: I'll probably craft something with strong sentimental value.**

**TT: That should burn him.**

**GG: i dont think you really mean that!**

**TT: I guess not.**

**TT: So, shall I expect a green package dropped to my house via airmail from whatever screwball cranny of the globe you're tucked into?**

**GG: err...**

**GG: no :(**

**GG: sorry but you are sort of hard shop for _**

**GG: besides i have something for you today that i think you will like better than some thing in a box!**

**TT: Oh?**

**GG: it is a tip!**

**TT: This is already intriguing enough to compensate for the grave scarcity of lavish gifts parachuting from the sky. Please go on.**

**GG: did you have a pet a long time ago that died?**

**TT: Yes.**

**GG: ok well how did you feel about your cat, did you love him a lot?**

**TT: "ok well", I didn't mention it was a cat, or that it was a male. Let's pretend I'm surprised and you're embarrassed and move on.**

**TT: To answer your question, I would describe my feelings toward the animal as lukewarm.**

**GG: ummmmm ok...**

**GG: thats fine!**

**GG: it doesnt really matter i think, just...**

**GG: what if someone told you you could play a game that would bring him back to life?**

**TT: If someone told me that, I would regard the remark with a great deal of skepticism.**

**TT: If that someone was you, on the other hand, then I would have to ask preemptively:**

**TT: Is that someone you?**

**GG: yes that someone is me!**

**GG: i just thought you might find it interesting**

**TT: So what is this game?**

**GG: oh i dont know**

**GG: im just saying is all**

**GG: i think youll hear about it later and maybe you can talk to john and dave about it**

**GG: they are way more into all that stuff than i am!**

**TT: I'll see what the word on the street is about it. In due time.**

**TT: For now I should probably order a copy of Knitting for Assholes. It would be a shame if I ran late with John's present.**

Dave captchalogued his KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9 % 10 = 9) and prepared to venture out of his room to get his Bro's copy of the Beta. But first, maybe, just maybe…

Dave looked out the window, maybe hoping to retrieve the dead bird. But it was long gone. It probably wouldn't have lasted out there anyway. He didn't know what was up with this sick heat. The sun threatened to set but wouldn't step off. It was staring John down, like the big red eye of a hot needle skipping on a groove its tracing 'round the earth. While lingering in midair its heat seemed to suspend time itself, stretching it like warped vinyl. It was meant to rain this season but there hadn't been a drop in sight. Even a little drizzle would help. Might have helped to fizzle this sizzle a little bizzle, set the record straight on this global turn-tizzle.

"So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little

I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles

Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle

G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo

When the pimp's in the crib ma

Drop it like it's hot

Drop it like it's hot

Drop it like it's hot..."

-English Romantic poet, John Keats

Dave exited his room and stepped into the hallway.

"Sorry little dude," he said, taking down the puppet blocking the door. "Gotta put you down for a bit." He figured he'd left the puppet hanging long enough.

Dave barged through the door with wild abandon and saw a familiar face. A friendly face. He was standing in the living room, where his Bro spent most of his days. At night his Bro would crash on the futon over there. Dave didn't see him anywhere though. There was the puppet chest where his Bro stored Lil' Cal in when he took him out for gigs. But when his Bro was home he usually left Lil' Cal on display somewhere. And with good reason cause Cal was totally sweet. So sweet. Man.

Dave pitied da fool of a puppet that had been in his face when he'd entered the room. It was his brother's Mr. T puppet, which of course was kept in their apartment with a sense of profound humorous irony. But as usual with his Bro's exploits, this was no ordinary irony, or anything close to a pedestrian Tier 1 ironic gesture which was a meager single step removed from sincerity. This was like ten levels of irony removed from the original joke. It might have been funny eight years before to joke about Mr. T and how he was lame, but that was the very thing that made him awesome and badass, and that his awesomeness was sort of the joke. But in this case, the joke _was _the joke, and that degree of irony was also the joke, and so on. Only highly adept satirical ninjas like he and his Bro could appreciate stuff like this. It was cool taking stuff that other people thought was funny but he knew really wasn't, and making it funny again by adding subtle strata of irony which were utterly undetectable to the untrained eye.

Also, for good measure, Mr. T was wearing a leather thong and handcuffed to a pantsless Chuck Norris puppet. God Dave hoped he could be as good as his Bro at this some day. He'd never tell the boy that though.

Dave looked around for Lil' Cal, but the puppet was nowhere in sight. All that he saw was a bunch of his Bro's weird colorful nude puppets strewn around haphazardly. He… he guessed they were kinda cool. Sort of…

On the television was one of the crappy video games that Gamebro reviewed, _grand snack fuckyeah_. It seemed as though his Bro had been playing. It wasn't like him to leave in the middle of some totally intense gaming. It wasn't like him to misplace Cal either… man Dave hoped the little guy was alright.

Oh, there the puppet was. He was sitting on the speaker next to the TV set.

"Oh, hey there Lil' Cal," Dave said. "Didn't see you there. We be chill today, dude? Yeah, you better fuckin' believe we be chill." Cal was the man.

Dave attempted to resist the great urge to play Bro's Xbox. He failed miserably. He started thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on his quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" to get this way rude hunger under control. Shit was basically flying off the hook. It was like shit wanted nothing to do with that hook. The hook was dead to that shit.

But… he got stuck in some poorly modeled 3D fixture or something. Like a railing or the piece of the wall? He'd have to restart. Fuck this shit.

Dave gave Lil' Cal a bro fistbump. He'd almost forgot. He had to give the c-man some props.

Dave moved away from the TV and inspected the other side of the room. Bro had so much sweet gear it was hard to keep up with it all sometimes. Here was his computer setup. He usually had a lot of stuff cooking up on it at any given moment. Since he wasn't around, Dave thought he might as well sneak a peek.

The computer was password protected of course to protect all of the incredible top secret shit he'd got on the burners. Of course, both of them knew the password, and Bro knew that Dave knew it, and they were both cool with that because the password was the most awesome thing it could have been. He entered the password.

On Bro's desktop was a hodgepodge of unnamed folders to store all the stuff he was working on. No one could decipher his organization system but himself. He also tended to use the application Complete Bullshit to keep up with the ludicrous amount of websites and news feeds he monitored to stay hip to the scene.

Dave opened the content aggregator, which displayed a mess of words and random stripes of colors. This was complete bullshit. He opened the tab that displayed SBAHJ to see his most recent comic. Bro kept up with Dave's comic just like Dave kept up with Bro's. Bro had tuned in to Dave's various blogs, and of course, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.

Dave then clicked on the orange stripe containing PlushRump. This was another one of his Bro's many ironic websites. The difference here was that he raked in thousands of dollars a month through this enterprise. Smuppets was a multi-billion dollar a year enterprise, and it was awfully hard to resist taking a firm squeeze from the plump udder of that cash cow.

He guessed he'd messed around on his Bro's computer long enough. He'd better get a move on before it was too late for Rose, or worse, Bro caught him. But my god, the puppet rumps… they were transfixing! He knew this was ironic and all, and his Bro reached echelons of irony Dave could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when his guard was down it all just seemed a tad unsettling to him.

Lil' Cal was now sitting on the desk next to him.

"Oh. Uh… Hey… Hey there, Cal." Dave raised his hand to give Lil' Cal a nervous fist bump, but he couldn't do it. He was starting to flip the fuck out, what with the rumps and the posters and the gorilla puppet on the PlushRump website and Lil' Cal moving and all the strange bobbing heads and… Well, he was flipping out without losing his cool, of course.

He decided to pester Egbert to soothe his nerves and give a lowdown on his progress. He felt it was important to keep the wires hot. But the boy wasn't answering. Dave wondered what he could have been up to.

**TG: hey what is up**

**TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it**

**TG: where are you man**

**TG: anyway**

**TG: things are cool here**

**TG: totally cool**

**TG: puppets are still awesome**

**TG: no problems with them or anything**

**TG: like**

**TG: just**

**TG: really really awesome**

It looked like Rose was finally logged in again. Hadn't John said that her house had been burning down? He wondered if she was on fire yet or what. This conversation is one that we've already seen before but I have included for sake of authenticity and loyalty to the plotline.

**TG: oh there you are**

**TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what**

**TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.**

**TG: oh well thats a relief**

**TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now**

**TT: Working on it?**

**TG: yeah my bros copy long story**

**TG: hey**

**TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets**

**TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little**

**TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?**

**TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all**

**TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever**

**TG: or semi-semi ironic**

**TG: man i dont even know**

**TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up**

**TT: I've seen his websites.**

**TT: I like them.**

**TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD**

**TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that**

**TG: with those dead eyes jesus**

**TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out**

**TT: Interesting...**

**TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream**

**TG: youre going to have a field day with that**

**TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.**

**TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.**

**TG: yeah im gonna get moving**

**TG: oh have you heard from john**

**TG: hes not answering me**

**TT: He won't answer me either.**

**TT: But I am watching him.**

**TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.**

**TG: hahahahaha**

**TG: alright im out**

**TG: later**

Seconds in the future, but not many…

**TT: John, what are you doing?**

**TT: Snap out of it.**

**TT: We ought to discuss what your grandmother told you, don't you think?**

**TT: Fine. Enjoy your stupor.**

**TT: I'll go about my business elsewhere.**

Rose deployed the punch designix in place of the piano in John's Dad's study. She pestered John again, explaining the situation.

**TT: John, whenever you read this, you should know I put the shale you collected to use and finally deployed the Punch Designix.**

**TT: It is in your study.**

**TT: I can only drop it though. You'll have to be the one to mess around with it and see what it does.**

**TT: When you're finished with your weird histrionics, maybe you could give it a try?**

**TT: I'm updating my walkthrough, and it would help to know what it does.**

**TT: Also, I should probably warn you that your house and yard are completely infested with monsters now. Try to be careful.**

The voice stopped and John read his PDA. Oh. He looked out the window and saw a bunch of shale imps all wearing jester clothes fucking around outside.

**EB: so i can see.**

**EB: stupid lousy imps.**

**EB: they're mucking up all my cool stuff!**

**TT: Oh, there you are.**

**EB: oh, yeah.**

**EB: sorry!**

**EB: i'm not sure what came over me there, i was acting really crazy for some reason.**

**EB: but my head feels like it's clearing up, i think i'm alright now.**

John quickly rebuilt the claw hammer like he'd been planning on doing before the voice had starting to bother him about cookies. He returned it to his specibus. He wondered if he should confront the pogo ride prepare himself for Nanna.

Thank god his sanity had returned so he could entertain extremely rational, coherent thoughts like that one. He examined the pogo ride for the bathroom window. He did not like what he saw. There was an imp devouring the cake that Rose had dumped on the ground, another banging on the piano irreverently, and a third swinging around on the pogo ride.

Those sons of bitches. No one risked painful injury on the green ghost slime pogo ride. No one but John.

Rose picked up the piano and the imp that had been playing it along with the one that had been eating the cake ran away. The one of the pogo ride remained. She dropped the piano on the pogo ride, killing the imp. But the piano… the piano…

**EB: rose my piano!**

**EB: :(**


	12. Book 1 Chapter 12: The Punch Designix

Chapter 12: The Punch Designix

**TT: Sorry.**

**TT: No nuance to these controls at all.**

**TT: I was hoping to bludgeon the imp without letting go of it. Guess I can't really do that.**

**TT: A broken piano isn't the end of the world though.**

**EB: i guess you're right.**

**TT: You'll need to pick up the spoils in person. I can't interact with the grist.**

**EB: so...**

**EB: that means i have to go out the back door?**

**TT: Yes. Is there a problem?**

**EB: well it may sound dumb, but i was hoping to avoid nanna and her spooky ghost cookies.**

**TT: You're right, that does sound dumb.**

**EB: can you see her in the kitchen? **

**TT: Yeah.**

**EB: what's she doing, is she baking?**

**TT: You could say that.**

**EB: are you SURE you can't get that grist up to me somehow?**

**TT: Maybe.**

Rose attempted to use the pogo ride to spring the grist up to John's window, but it didn't look like the stuff was going anywhere. It was just never certain with these gaming abstractions.

However, she was able to pull the ride out of the ground and drop it in John's bathtub. John turned around and collected the grist, putting more in the cache.

**TT: There you go.**

**TT: Now why don't you check out the Designix?**

**TT: You can do that while I get to work.**

**EB: on what?**

Before Rose answered, she wondered if the piano might level up for slaying the imp. Alas, in its valiant effort it had unfortunately been slain as well. But if it hadn't, it would have raked in so many boondollars, you have no idea. So many! In any case, he explained her project to John.

**TT: Nanna said to build, so that's what I'm doing.**

**EB: oh yeah. ok.**

**TT: But this sure is going to take a lot of grist.**

**TT: Looks like you're going to be busy, John.**

**EB: blargh!**

**EB: well, what are you building?**

**TT: Stairs.**

**TT: They are fairly expensive actually.**

**EB: oh man...**

**EB: i could have warned you about stairs, rose!**

Rose had expended 18 units of build grist by placing a flight of steps from the platform extending from the balcony up to the roof.

**TT: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.**

**EB: IT KEEPS HAPENING**

She deleted part of the catwalk, giving her six more units of build grist. An imp that had been standing on the end of it fell into the (presumably) bottomless pit under John's house.

**TT: Ah, good. Looks like I can get a refund for earlier allocations.**

**EB: i told you rose**

**EB: i TOLD you about stairs!**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Consider me fully briefed on the matter of stairs.**

**TT: Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in Strider's non sequitur.**

**EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool?**

**TT: Does he?**

**EB: he's so dumb!**

Rose began to build an observation tower on John's roof. Well, okay, she obviously didn't have enough grist yet for something that ambitious, but she could get started with something of a foundation for upward construction, at least.

In the meantime, John checked the bathroom cupboard for imps and other useful items. Naw. There were no imps in here. Just a lot of shaving cream. Dads loved shaving. It was basically all they did (when they weren't baking, of course).

John captchalogued two cans of shaving cream just in case. He never knew when he'd need to bust out a hilarious shaving cream santa beard to ratchet up his prankster's gambit. In the process, his telescope flew out the window and landed where the pogo ride had been previously.

Speaking of the pogo ride, why not ride it? Well, it was a little cramped in the bathroom for any sort of proper reckless pogoing. He'd just grab it and hang on to it until the right opportunity presented itself. In captchaloguing the pogo ride, the towel floated out of his sylladex and onto the towel rack, completing the circle of stupidity.

Rose decided to check on Nannaquin and see what was cooking. Gosh darnit that was a lot of cookies. There must have been at least a hundred of them in the kitchen. An imp's hand reached out for one of them…

John left his room to make his way to the study where the Punch Designix dwelled. Oh god. In the hallway stood a couple of imps brandishing a bust of a harlequin. And… it got worse. John's face contorted in rage as he saw the mess the imps had made of the living room. It seemed as though they'd taken a shining to the Cruxtruder because there was cruxite and black goo. Everywhere.

John mounted his pogo ride, held a can of shaving cream in one hand and his hammer in the other, and proceeded to one-up the imp. He smashed through the two nearest him and then two on the stairs. This was incredibly dangerous! He flipped the fuck out entirely at that point and jumped around the living room, smashing imps left and right!

"Let's see how you like the old doublebarrel leatherblaster… Woah! Oh shit!" John yelled. He slipped on a cruxite dowel on the floor and fell over next the doors to the study and kitchen.

_mister john, respectfully ask that you please stand up. _John quickly got to his feet, grabbed the pogo in one hand, and pointed a can of shaving cream at it with the other.

"Don't move or the pogo gets it!" He yelled. The imps looked frightened.

_now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste._ John ran up the wall slowly, did a flip in midair, and jumped into the study, knocking a jester hat from one of the imps. The imp quickly picked up the hat, but Rose dropped the fridge from the kitchen on it, smashing it entirely, hat and all.

The refrigerator skyrocketed up the echeladder to a new rung: Fivestar General Electric, and earned 285 boondollars. Things were really looking up for this feisty appliance.

_well done, john. polite congratulations. _For some reason, John felt a sense of positive reinforcement. Wherever that feeling was coming from, it was sure was a welcome change from his erratic moods earlier.

_now my civil fellow, i have a well mannered query to ask_

**TT: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix.**

**TT: John, imps behind you.**

**TT: Should I take care of it?**

**TT: You trapped your PDA again, didn't you.**

**TT: Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream?**

**TT: So pointless.**

Rose picked up a safe and dropped it through the roof. It fell through and hit the imp, busting the contraption open. Out came a very old-looking copy of _Colonel Sassacre_ and what looked like old newspaper clippings. They mingled with the grist and black goo from the imp, making for a rather large mess. A harlequin statuette that had been sitting on top of it fell off and smashed on the floor.

_john might i bother you for a can opener? _Oblivious to the commotion behind him, John found himself pondering the whereabouts of a can opener. There was probably one in the kitchen, but his path was blocked by his refrigerator.

Rose looked at John on her screen. He was completely unresponsive. What the hell was the nincompoop doing? And what was that arm coming out of the blue portal doing?

Years in the future… but let's not get carried away here… WV's studious eye darted about a page like a honeybee gathering the nectar of wisdom.

_A typical human is polite, saying "Thank you," "Please," "You are welcome," "Good day," "How do you do?" and "Splendid, and you? Everyday conversations like this lead to gratification and release of endorphins in the brain. This leads to further courtesy. The favor is mutually curried and..._

Om nom nom… WV ripped the page out and ate it with his sharp teeth. There was the next page.

_When drinking the human elixir known as "tea," one must simply cantilever the absurd vestigial fourth digit, and everyone will remain polite..._

Om nom nom… WV ripped out that page as well.

In the meantime, Rose placed four chimneys around John's roof and built a platform on top. The issue was now how to climb up. Stairs were expensive, so Rose grabbed part of the balcony railing, turned it around, and extended it upwards in a makeshift ladder.

**TT: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.**

_fellow john, it appears we have reached an impasse_Yes, it would seem so. John continued to ponder the whereabouts of a possible can opener even as an imp snuck up behind him. Rose dropped a bookshelf on it.

_the opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately _It was unfortunate. He supposed. What were we talking about again?

_but it has been a pleasure nonetheless. _John nodded in thanks for the courtesy. But it really wasn't necessary. Dave had begun pestering him.

_oh, but thank you _Ok. Rose began pestering him as well. She hit John on the back of the head with a wrinkled hat, but all he could think of was can openers and manners.

_thank you so very very much, dear favorable small primate _Rose buried her face in her pillow in frustration. Dave was pestering her too now.

_i shall take my leave now john. until next time _Okay. John turned around. Wait, where'd all this sweet loot come from? And why was there suddenly a crumpled hat on his head?

Feeling especially economical with his behavior suddenly, John scooped up all the grist in the room, and turned his attention to the Punch Designix all in one fell swoop. The device featured a counter-top station design with a keyboard setup, not unlike a piano or an old-fashioned computer. There was a blinking red light, and a diagram etched into a panel. The diagram depicted a captchalogue card being turned over and then being inserted (typed?) into the keyboard? Then it showed the card being inserted into another slot.

Hmm…

In the meanwhile, Rose decided to answer Dave.

**TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you**

**TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass**

**TT: What is the specific problem?**

**TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong**

**TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.**

**TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis**

**TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face**

**TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.**

**TT: Also, coarse is a good word.**

**TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock**

**TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses**

**TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here**

**TG: like**

**TG: the proboscalypse i guess**

**TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?**

**TG: what no**

**TG: no listen**

**TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home**

**TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.**

**TG: no oh jesus**

**TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse**

**TT: A painted pair of parted lips**

**TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air**

**TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.**

**TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,**

**TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.**

**TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second**

**TG: this is serious**

**TG: i am just saying**

**TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like**

**TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever**

**TG: im gonna fly off the handle**

**TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit**

**TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.**

John flipped over the card with the pogo ride on it. On the back was a captcha code. Damn, the things were hard to read. This one said… this one said… DQMmLLeK? Or… wait. DQMmILek? It was hard to tell. He looked at the reverse side of the hammer card in his strife deck. There was a captcha code there too.

John entered the code "DQMmJLeK" into the Punch Designix. He hoped he had it right. The red light switched off and a green one began blinking. He inserted the pogo ride card into the slot and it popped back out quickly with a bunch of holes punched in it.

He then typed in the hammer's code (or, at least, what he thought it was): "nZ7Un6BI" and repeated the process. He now had two cards punched with different codes.

John tried to retrieve the pogo ride from the card with little success. It appeared as though it were trapped. These cards were pretty much useless now, and the items they contained were toast! But maybe not all was lost. Recalling from his experience with the pre-punched card, he might be able to use the cards to replicate the lost items. That is, assuming he'd gotten the codes right.

He mashed the keys randomly, not quite through with his cowboy empiricism just yet. He entered "dskjhsdk". The designix stopped him after eight characters, which appeared to be the maximum length for a code. The green light went on, signaling the Designix's readiness for a card. He figured he might as well burn one of the shaving cream cards, as the items weren't exactly a premium in the house. He also merged the two cans to one card. He was a little sad his Dad wasn't around to see this. John thought he'd get a real kick out of duplicating more shaving cream. He punched the card with the code that was in no way related to the item it contained. Mad science sure was a lot of fun.

Unfortunately, he'd just burned up another card in the process and his deck was beginning to dwindle. Maybe he should have thought this through a bit better. On the plus side, he'd freed up his Dad's PDA, which was overflowing with the pent-up chatter of anxious pesterers.

Just outside John's house, a shale imp was peering through the window into the study, observing the boy. It chuckled with glee as it saw all the random things that the boy was doing with silly cards and machines. And then a shadow loomed up behind it. There was something evil there. Something large and destructive. The imp turned to see…

Rose slammed the bathtub into it and through the wall. The tub smashed through the far wall as well, earning John a lot of grist. John checked his PDA.

**TG: PUPPETS**

**TG: AWESOME**

**TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER**

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **changed his mood to RANCOROUS - **

**TT: John, I'm about to throw a bath tub through your wall.**

**TT: Watch out.**

John peered out the window. There was a staircase leading up to the balcony, but the staircase was ridiculously narrow and precarious in appearance.

**EB: wow, that was so totally unnecessary!**

**TT: I made a shortcut upstairs. I thought it would be a good idea to get up there and try the cards as soon as possible. **

**TT: Also, you weren't being terribly responsive. **

**EB: you mean these stairs?**

**EB: man, look at these shitty stairs...**

**EB: they're so narrow! i'm supposed to climb those?**

**TT: They're perfectly navigable. **

**TT: I'm saving on grist for now. **

**TT: If you keep slaying foes, collecting grist, and expanding the cache limit, we may not need to be so economical with our resources in the future.**

John looked up through the hole in the roof from the safe and saw the first gate.

**EB: so why didn't you just build a way up through that hole into my dad's room?**

**TT: Have you ever been in there?**

**EB: no.**

**TT: Exactly.**

**EB: huh?**

**TT: I'd rather not get sidetracked.**

**TT: I'm more interested in further exploring the mechanics of the game than watching you discover what sort outlandish harlequin decor your father keeps in his room.**

**EB: oh come on. what's the big deal, i'll just climb up and go right through!**

**TT: Will you?**

**EB: yeah, why not?**

**TT: Are you saying you've never wondered what's in there? Or why it's been kept a secret from you?**

**EB: well, i mean yeah...**

**TT: Then trust me. You won't be going "right on through."**

**EB: wait, are you saying there's something, like...**

**EB: troubling in there?**

**TT: I don't know.**

**EB: what do you mean? what do you see in there?**

**TT: I can't see in there.**

**EB: oh.**

**TT: But I don't have a very good feeling about it.**

**EB: pfff...**

**EB: whatever!**

**EB: i think i can handle a few more stupid clown paintings.**

Rose brought the punched cards from the Designix up to John's room along with eight cruxite dowels that the imps had extracted from the Cruxtruder.

Before John proceeded with his alchemizing, however, he picked up the grist generated by his co-player's recent exploits. From then on, it would probably go without saying that he'd pick up grist when he defeated a monster, because why wouldn't he?

He looked at the busted safe, which had made a noble sacrifice in battle. Some of his father's odds and ends had spilled out, including some old newspaper clippings and two rather hefty tomes. It was a fair bet to say that these books comprised at least half the weight of the safe.

John captchalogued the tome in the front. It appeared to be a very old copy of _Colonel Sassacre,_ perhaps an original printing! Could it have been the same one involved with his grandmother on that fateful day? Dad would never speak a word of it, but maybe Nanna wouldn't be so tight-lipped. He gave the book a cursory perusal. It appeared to be similar to his reprinting, containing all the same japes and chicanery he'd come to know and love.

Also in the safe was another book: _The Fatherly Gent's Shaving Almanac_. He was sure his Dad thought this a scintillating read, but it looked pretty boring to John. Maybe he'd crack into it later when he was old enough to shave. Everything in this safe was pretty important to his Dad. He wondered why his old man had kept it locked away from him. Some things about his Dad he'd never understand.

It also appeared as though his father had collected scraps from the news over the years. The articles went back decades! There was one from the _Common Hornographer,_ another from _Crockercorp Newspaper…_ The list went on.

There was also a piece of paper taped to the wall behind the safe. It read:

_SON._

_IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOW STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT THE SAFE. YOU ARE NOW A MAN._

_AS SUCH, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO WHAT IS INSIDE. I KNOW YOU WILL TAKE THIS RESPONSIBILITY SERIOUSLY._

_I AM SO PROUD OF YOU._

John flipped the paper over. On the other side was a code: 02-49-13. He figured it must have been the combination to the safe. It didn't matter now.

John picked up an empty captchalogue card on the ground and flipped it over. The captcha code was all zeroes? They could have been O's. _Zeroes would probably make more sense for an empty card_, John thought. He captchalogued the card, flinging the totem that had been used to produce the apple out the hole in the side of the room. Oh well. He wouldn't need it again anyway. He hoped.

John looked at the captchalogued captchalogue card. It had the code "11111111" written on it. He entered the code into the Designix and punched the card.

**TT: Wait, John, before you punch that.**

**TT: Oh.**

**TT: I was about to say.**

**TT: If you first took note of the code, then removed the card from the card, you could have punched the blank one.**

**TT: You would have only burned one card instead of two.**

**EB: oh yeah, you're right.**

**EB: dammit!**

He flung the crumpled hat out the hole in the wall in disgust after the totem. They were both long gone now. He proceeded to captchalogue the punched captchalogued captchalogue card, expelling the PDA from his sylladex. Rose grabbed it before it fell down the bottomless pit, however. She placed it back in the room and John picked it up again in a lapse of concentration. The old Sassacre text flew out of the deck, smashed a hole through another wall, and crushed an imp outside. The two-card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.

John leveled up to the Pesky Urchin level, gaining 200 boondollars, +15 gel viscosity, +40 cache limit, and +5 man grit!

The Colonel as well soared to new heights on the echeladder, reaching the rung "One Man Julep Vacuum," and pocketing 9550 boondollars. Chump change for the genteel, aristocratic southern colonel.

The bathtub surged heroically and surpassed the rung "Archimedes' Aquacradle," proceeding directly to the vaulted rung: "Taft Jammer." The tub made off with a cool 490 boondollars. The tub's basin capacity remained unaffected.

The safe would have leveled up, but for its heroic death in battle. A great flaming nautical pyre carried it off to Vaulthalla. John stepped through the hole in the wall and inspected the stairs. They looked pretty precarious to him. But he'd been assuredly that they were perfectly navigable. He attempted to run up them, slipped and fell, hugging onto the edge. Lousy goddamn stupid stairs!

Away from this commotion, somewhere behind John, a black hand reached the top of the land podium upon which John's house could be found. Another hand appeared and so did the tip of a jester hat. Whatever it was, it was large. And it was approaching rather quickly…


	13. Book 1 Chapter 13: Strider's Sylladex

Chapter 13: Strider's Sylladex

Dave wandered over to the place where his Bro kept his sweet turntable gear. Man that setup was sweet. Dave felt pangs of jealousy whenever he walked by it. Really cool jealousy though. Like the kind where instead of getting all worked up about it, he didn't actually give a shit. One of his brother's two rad and extremely expensive ninja swords was missing, though. He knew this drill all too well. Trouble was a brewin'. Dave was about to take the other ninja sword when it disappeared. Hmm… maybe Dave's eyes had been playing tricks on him.

He approached the exit to his Bro's room. There was something on the door that he hadn't seen before. It looked like one of his brother's ironic comics he left for you to check out. Lil' Cal appeared on the turntables as Dave read the comic.

"_What have I done?_

"_Animal? Please start breathing. Oh god, please breathe._

"_Ha ha, ok, make-believe time is over!_

"_Oh god oh god oh god oh god OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!..._

"_What will Nanny do to me if she finds out? No one can ever know. I have to hide the body, but where? Think, imagination! Argh, the one time I really need you!"_

_Click. Lights flooded the room._

"_Hello Rowlf. I want to play a game." It was a robot with red swirl for eyes._

"_I want to play a game," it repeated._

"_I WANT TO PLAY A GAME," it said._

Dave ripped the comic. Ok, some of this stuff he knew his Bro was just leaving around to get under his skin. This was obviously just another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upmanship to get his goat (the same goat he'd been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that would still have to wait for a more appropriate time). He thought that his Bro knew deep down that Dave still wasn't ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this was probably some weird gauntlet the other boy was throwing down to see if he'd "get it". But, honestly, Dave thought this material was just a little _too_ ironic. He just didn't need to see this shit right now.

Dave went into the kitchen. No sign of Bro in here either… well, aside from the absurd quantity of dangerous stuff he left lying around.

With an escalating sense of threat, Dave though it was time to SHIFT (2+2+1+2+2 = 9 % 10 = 9) his KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9 % 10 = 9) to his strife specibus. He figured it was better to free up his 9 card anyway, since he might need to grab some of the random shit on the counter.

There was a green puppet in the blender. Dave hit mix and the puppet exploded in a mess of green and red. He figured his Bro had put fake blood capsules in it. Pretty gross.

He spotted one of his Bro's many webcams nearby, hidden in the eye of another puppet. It had recorded the incident. It seems he may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. He wasn't totally sure how he felt about that. He slashed the puppet's head off with his katana, landing the webcam in the blender as well.

Dave pulled out the buster sword from behind the microwave. This was probably the only thing in the entire apartment that was a bigger piece of shit than his own sword. He put it back behind the microwave where it belonged and set the blender to "crush ice." It began to just sort of bounce around in there. He was making a bit of a mess now.

Dave opened the microwave to hide the evidence of his blender shenan… OH GOD! See, all Bro's hobbies were cool and everything, and Dave guessed the guy had to put his shit somewhere. But what if one of them wanted to heat up a burrito or something? Just stuff it in the microwave which a bunch of creepy-ass puppets? The kitchen was pretty much useless.

Dave captchalogued the box of FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15 % 10 = 5) from the sink. He just knew they were going to come in handy. One of the fireworks was still stuck in the drain, but Dave ignored it for the moment to captchalogue the SHURIKENS (2+2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2 = 15 % 10 = 5). They entered the sylladex and the box of fireworks flew out of his deck. Dave managed to catch them, thankfully, but he had to be careful of where he was putting things, especially if he was looking to turn his sylladex into a powder-keg full of sharp things.

He put the BOX OF FIREWORKS (2+1+2 + 1+2 + 2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 23 % 10 = 3) back into card 5 again and prepared to start over… Oh. Or card 3, apparently. Okay. That settled it.

Again without thinking, he captchalogued the NUNCHAKU (2+1+2+2+2+1+2+1 = 13 % 10 = 3). The fireworks spilled out all over the floor. He captchalogued the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5), again, deftly avoiding the shuriken trap he'd set up for himself only moments ago. They sunk into the metal of the refrigerator.

He then rounded all the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15 % 10 = 5) into card 5, landing them in the BOX (5). It was time to regroup here. He began to captchalogue each SHURIKEN (2+2+1+2+1+2+1+2 = 13 % 3) individually, but this caused the nunchaku (3) to be expelled from his sylladex. He put all ten in his sylladex as the nunchaku flew out of his sylladex and knocked a picture of Hella Jeff on the fridge off as well as relocated a GameBro magnet onto the microwave. But no worries. He had a plan.

He captchalogued the NUNCHUCKS (2+1+2+2+2+1+2+2+2 = 16 % 10 = 6). Everything seemed to be in order now. I would have been badass to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes he just had to compromise with his modus.

Speaking of which, could a modus card be flipped over? Dave attempted to flip over the card and… succeeded! Wow, he hadn't expected that. On the back was a large EJECT BUTTON followed by three possible hash functions. The first one, which said "C=2, V=1" was currently selected. He could also choose "V=2, C=1," or "A=1, B=2, C=3, D=4…". There was also a checkable box that said "Detect Collisions."

Dave pressed the eject button and a pop-up box appeared, saying "EJECT ALL ITEMS FROM SYLLADEX? Y/N".

Oh hell no. Not after all the trouble he'd gone through to try to get everything to fit. This was potentially a very dangerous button.

He quickly programmed a scrabble points hash function (which used the scrabble equivalents of letters for the addition) adding it to the list. This might have been a cool function to use, but it looked like he'd have to empty his sylladex to select it. He wasn't going to do that yet. No way.

However, he did select the "detect collisions" box. That would be helpful. _Very_ helpful.

Dave looked up at the purple elephant doll on top of the skateboard on the counter. And what did he think he was happy about? And what was he looking up at? The ceiling? Dave thought if he saw one more bulbous bottom being like kind of jutting out and being impudent or whatever he was going to fly off the handle. He slashed the tip of the puppet's dong nose off and knocked the elephant into the sink.

Dave took the SKATEBOARD (2+2+1+2+1+2+1+1+2+2 = 16 % 10 = 6) that had been underneath the elephant puppet… Wait, a collision had been detected. Not SKATEBOARD (6). The nunchucks were in the 6 card. He took the… uh… WHEELED… uh… RIDE (2+2+1+1+2+1+2 + 2+1+2+1 = 17 % 10 = 7). Man, his inventory's nomenclature was getting lamer by the minute.

He also took the POWER CORD (2+1+2+1+2 + 2+1+2+2 = 15 % 10 = 5) from the... no, wasn't going to work. He took the… BATTERY PACK (2+1+2+2+1+2+1 + 2+1+2+2 = 18 % 10 = 8). Dammit. His PHONE (8). Okay… um... BATTERY PACK with the Y as a consonant (2+1+2+2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2 = 19 % 10 = 9). His sylladex reluctantly accepted. It was a tactic notoriously employed by hash map noobs, but he didn't care about that just now. Besides, it wasn't like his Bro was around to see. A black shadow darted behind him but he didn't notice. It returned momentarily to place little Cal on the countertop and for a moment the outline of a person wearing a hat could be seen, but it disappeared just as quickly. Dave was completely oblivious.

Dave turned and jumped back in shock. "Oh, it's just you, Cal. You startled me." Dave could never stay mad at the puppet. Anyway, he had to find a way to get this rude hunger of his under control. He figured he'd better scope the fridge for some grub. His hunger was so ill-mannered, it would have made a room full of snooty dowagers commit mass suicide.

He pulled open the fridge door to see if there… Oh god, more shitty swords! Of course Dave had known these were in here. He wasn't even sure why he'd looked. If he wanted to keep food or beverages in the apartment, he pretty much had no choice but to hide stuff away in his closet. The hell with it. He captchalogued the entire JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS and braced himself for… Oh, it seemed as though it worked. He captchalogued the JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS (2+1+2+2+2+1 + 1+2 + 1+2+2+1+2+1+1+2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2+2 = 52 % 10 = 2).

Dave wiped some sweat from his brow and attempted to use the ice maker to get some ice, but instead, it dispensed a bunch of cherry bombs! Ugh… wait, there was someone's reflection in the fridge. It was Lil' Cal. Dave turned and saw nothing. Where had the little dude scampered off to this time?

He went for the CHERRY BOMBS (2+2+1+2+2+1 + 2+1+2+2+2 = 19 % 10 = 9) unsuccessfully. After mulling it over a bit, he grabbed the RED SPHERICAL SALUTES (2+1+2 + 2+2+2+1+2+1+2+1+2 + 2+1+2+1+2+1+2 = 31 % 10 = 1).

BLENDER (2+2+1+2+2+1+2 = 12 % 10 = 2) was a simple word and Dave already knew it wasn't going to work, so he called it the WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER (2+2+1+2+2+1+2+2 + 2+2+1+2+1 + 2+1+2+2+2+1+2 = 34 % 10 = 4) instead. That worked. It was a much better name for the device anyway, Dave thought.

He proceeded by turning on the garbage disposal and shredding the remaining firework in the drain. He stuffed Mr. Purple Guy down the garbage disposal as well. Dave still wasn't sure what the puppet was so happy about, or what he was looking at up there. Oh well, he was gone.

While he was at it, he dumped the contents of the blender into… oops, he meant whirling blade pitcher... into the disposal. But an unfortunate garbage disposal head jam occurred as the webcam puppet's head wouldn't fit down the drain. He noticed something in the sink's reflection and looked up.

The words "Hello Dave" and a puzzle piece drawn around it were in red on the hatch to the crawlspace of the apartment. Bro was always tucking away in there when he was busting out his rad stealth stunts. He was so slick that the dangling cord never even jostled. Dave just knew his brother was being ironic with these weird mind games. There was no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.

He quickly used the cinderblocks and turntables to build a fort. He thought it was totally sweet and was sure his brother would agree. Under different circumstances, they might have been highfiving right over it now. But rather than get inside and take it for a spin, he really just needed it to climb up to the hatch.

He grabbed the cord. It was time to face his destiny. No going back now. Slowly, he pulled the hatch open and… oh no. Not another supply of smuppets! A green puppet proboscis smushed into Dave's face and a fluffy blue derriere squished against his head. He went down in the pile. Yeah, there was pretty much no way there wasn't going to be a bunch of puppets in there.

**TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you**

**TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass**

**TT: What is the specific problem?**

**TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong**

**TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.**

**TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis**

**TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face**

**TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.**

**TT: Also, coarse is a good word.**

**TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock**

**TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses**

**TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here**

**TG: like**

**TG: the proboscalypse i guess**

**TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?**

**TG: what no**

**TG: no listen**

**TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home**

**TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.**

**TG: no oh jesus**

**TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse**

**TT: A painted pair of parted lips**

**TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air**

**TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.**

**TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,**

**TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.**

**TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second**

**TG: this is serious**

**TG: i am just saying**

**TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like**

**TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever**

**TG: im gonna fly off the handle**

**TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit**

**TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.**

There was a new note on the hatch, held in place by a bat-shaped shurikan. It read:

_bro._

_roof. now._

_bring cal._

_**where doing it man**_

_**where MAKING THIS HAPEN**_

A SBAHJ reference. Bro sure knew how to be awesome. Dave burst out of the puppet pile like "The One", slashing through puppet proboscises with his katana.


	14. Book 1 Chapter 14: Alchemization

Chapter 14: Alchemization

John pulled his dresser into the middle of the room, placed cruxite dowels on and around it, and made a tent with his bed sheet. This was so much fun. A huge waste of time, yes, but SO MUCH FUN!

Disgusted, Rose tossed the dresser and bed sheet into the bottomless pit. Sad, John rounded up the dowels again and carved the totems with the cards. The captchalogued captchalogue card's totem looked pretty bare bones to John. Rose grabbed the totems and stored them in the Atheneum. She took the totem for the captchalogue card and brought it to the Alchemiter.

The Alchemiter apparently required one unit of any type of grist to produce a card. Rose decided to use shale, as it seemed less generally useful than the build grist as of now. She made ten empty captchalogue cards. She put them at John's feet.

**EB: whoa, did you just make all these?**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: sweet, thanks!**

**EB: what did you do with all the blue wobbly vase-looking things?**

**TT: I brought the totems out to the alchemiter to test them.**

**TT: I'm taking some things into my own hands to save some time.**

**EB: ok.**

Rose created a hammer at the expense of 2 units of build grist. She made a pogo ride too, which cost five build grist and one shale. She then used the totem with the random code to create a… rocket pack? It had some random crap stuck inside it. There was a cinderblock, a violin, and a flowerpot, rendering it completely inoperable. She dropped it on an imp that had been holding the hammer, figuring she might as well put the piece of junk to use.

In the meantime, John was using a bit of strategy. He grabbed Harry Anderson's "_Wise Guy," _by Mike Caveney, then the cards, catching the PDA and putting it back into his sylladex. The book fell out and John re-captchalogued it, flushing the cards out into the deck. Nice going!

John flipped over his fetch modi to see if he could find any "detect collision" settings or anything. No, nothing but the ability to switch back and forth between FILO and FIFO. This was idiotic.

John opened the Wise Guy book to the Introduction and began to read.

**An Introduction: Who's This Wise Guy?**

"Blood Loss in the Big Easy"

New Orleans, 1977. The close-up room at the Magic Castle was this mean little box that tended to fill up with so much smoke you'd swear someone was cremating a wet dog in there.

In walks Anderson. There isn't much that gets liquor to pause its journey from the table to my lips but I'll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn't the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat. It looked like he was testing the tensile strength of his suspenders to the damn near limit with a pair of cocky thumbs. I wasn't impressed.

But I was a fool.

Somehow in my motion for another beverage he'd already slipped into polite conversation at a table held down by some notoriously brusque regulars. He had them in no time flat. They were melting butter in his glass ramekins. Whatever tidy yarn he'd spun to win them over, I didn't catch a word of it. One of them laughed. I was angry. Envious? Maybe a little. Yeah, you bet I was.

Anderson had one of those little wooden finger choppers that Micky Hades used to sell. The kind where the blade could be removed and clearly shown. It was a very convincing little guillotine that did not look like a novelty store toy. Harry would get a guy to examine the chopper and then cut a cigarette in half. Then he held the guy's hand up and told this silly story. The story of course was artifice, a distraction for the guy and the audience while he worked his stuff with the chopper.

Or it would become that, once his famous chopper trick was perfected, vaulting him to fame, fortune, and the crowning position in the television judiciary.

With what became his signature aplomb, Anderson was in moments a font of breast-pocket gauze, profuse apology, and redoubling determination. It's really amazing how hard it is to find a bloody sausage-sized piece of a guy on the floor of a room that dark and smoky. Impossible, I think we all proved. Just as impossible as Blind Willie Buttermilk Stubbs was going to find it to work his trumpet tomorrow night without his "twiddlin' fingers", a…

John had never understood what Caveney's relationship with Harry Anderson was, or why he'd written this book about the fellow. His ambivalent attitude toward John's favorite magician in these anecdotes had always struck him as weird, and to be honest, John tended not read much of the text in the book. He mostly looked at the diagrams for the cool tricks. He skipped ahead to the first actual trick.

"A Hole in the Ace"  
(a.k.a. The A-Hole Trick)

Here is a perfect example of how Harry could ruin several decks of cards, waste everyone's valuable time, and have you love him for it. He was good at that.

One day he noisily emptied his suit jacket pocket onto the hood of his car in search of change for the meter. A clunky metal thing slid from the pile and bounced on the sidewalk. As I retrieved it for him I asked what he was doing with a hole puncher in his pocket.

His face lit up at the question like he was an elf and I asked him how he felt about climbing into the hollow of a big tree to back some cookies or something. (The two foot, six inch height differential between us causes these comparisons to enter my mind.)

A small crowd had already gathered around even before he produced the first pack of unmolested cards. How people seem to gather, and how they even know a street performance is about to take place, I'll never know. It's perhaps Anderson's greatest trick. Luring the marks like that.

I wanted to ask if he was sure about this, performing in broad daylight. He was used to working in dark rooms. It was usually the first thing out of his mouth when he would queer a trick. "I'm really more accustomed to working in a darker room than this." But Harry was excited, and had already butchered the first deck of cards with the hole puncher, and issued the first round of apologies to the crowd. These were the primer apologies, the sort that got the folks loosened up a bit before the seven course meal of ingratiation that would inevitably follow.

He asked me for a fresh deck of cards and I gave him one.

The principle behind the trick in theory, as he explained to me later, was to punch holes in what appeared to be one card, but was in fact two or more together (hence the difficulty he often had in squeezing the puncher with his little elfish hands). Then using some coy maneuvers with his thumb, temporarily concealing the hole while he slid the card beneath it with his palm, the hole would seem to disappear, or move to another part of the card.

Oh yeah, that's right. The old hole in the ace trick, interestingly enough, pertaining to punching holes in cards and making them "disappear" and stuff. John's hands had never really been strong enough to make this one work all that well either. But actually, this gave him an idea.

He overlapped the punched pogo ride card and the punched hammer card, causing them to mask each others' hole patterns. He popped the cards together into the Lathe and created a new, combined totem.

He then went outside to the alchemiter and placed it on the totem… oh man, it looked like Rose had made like a million hammers for some reason. He cleared the shit out of the way, about to make something totally sweet!

John made the pogo hammer for 10 build and 16 shale! He jumped back and forth on the alchemiter, bouncing it to and fro.

**TT: What did you do?**

**EB: i combined the cards in the lathe thingy and made this!**

**EB: it is so sweet, man look at me go.**

**TT: I see.**

**TT: That was a really good idea, John. Nice work.**

**EB: thanks!**

**EB: i got the idea from harry anderson.**

**TT: Who?**

**EB: uh, you know the show night court?**

**TT: No.**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: well bottom line is...**

**EB: he's awesome**

**EB: that's really all there is to say on the matter!**

He got a vicious rhythmic bouncing combo going and easily slayed the imp on the pogo ride in one blow. But in the process, he and the pogo ride were catapulted sky-high.

The pogo ride flew above the roof, flying by an arm coming out of a blue portal in the sky, and then landed in a tree. He was about to fall into the hole in his roof when Rose caught him by placing his bed over the hole.

Through the hole in the study wall, a large green shoe could be seen. It was covering a dark, shadowy foot. A _large,_ dark, shadowy foot.

Below the tree in which the pogo ride and the tire swing resided, another large creature began to climb. Something was terribly wrong.

**EB: hey, that was a pretty, uh...**

**EB: nice...**

**EB: uh...**

**TT: Sweet catch?**

**EB: ... save.**

**EB: oh, yeah.**

**EB: that.**

**EB: this is pretty comfy.**

**EB: why don't you just like,**

**EB: carry the bed around with me on it?**

**EB: up to the gate up there!**

**TT: I can't interact with you directly, or anything that you are touching, if it will result in moving you.**

She attempted to select the bed, but the outline became red and it didn't allow her to move it.

**TT: See?**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: lame!**

**TT: The game probably regards that as a kind of cheating.**

**TT: In a way, thieving you of your free will as an adventurer, and the need to advance by your own skill and ingenuity.**

**TT: The server player is just a facilitator.**

**EB: well, ok.**

**EB: all that scurrying around kind of wore me out, i think i'm going to rest here for a bit.**

**EB: rose, can you keep the imps at bay? like, drop some stuff on them if they sneak too close.**

**TT: No, you should pick up your hammer and defend yourself.**

**EB: what, come on!**

**TT: I have no idea what the hell Dave is up to, or if he's any closer to recovering the game.**

**TT: There's some stuff I'd like to try, in case he doesn't come through.**

**EB: oh alright.**

**EB: i'm just gonna rest my eyes here a second though.**

John closed his eyes slowly, staring up at the gate. He wasn't going to sleep. Just rest his eyes. He wasn't going to… going to… sleep. He was… just going to… zzzzzzzzzz.

Rose checked the Alchemy Excursus. It appeared to be a sort of index documenting all known results for punch card alchemy combinations. This could be a convenient resource as they started to stumble upon more useful combinations. But ever since John had begun alchemizing stuff, she'd been contemplating other ways that the system could be put to use. In particular, if she was able to obtain the code for any item at her disposal, she thought she could theoretically send it to John and he could make it himself. That was, if she could think of anything worth sending to him.

Speaking of which, the SBURB server disk! She'd completely forgotten about it! She ejected the disk, captchalogued it, and flipped it over. Oh god damn it. It was empty. Facepalm.

Outside of the mausoleum, the generator shook quickly and repeatedly. The fire blazed on and meteors and rain continued to fall ceaselessly. And then the generator completely stopped working. The computer shut off. Facepalm x2 Combo.

John lay there on the bed, facing up towards the gate. Clouds flew past him. There was his Dad, the ghost slime on his shirt, Harry Anderson, a… what was that? It appeared to be an outline of a girl. But it wasn't Rose. Who was…

Suddenly, flashes of colorful light burst through his consciousness and he sat up. Someone had been pestering him. He stood quickly, getting off of the bed. An imp behind him began to chew on the mattress, but John didn't notice.

**GG: hey!**

**EB: whoa, there you are!**

**GG: how is your adventure going john?**

**EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now.**

**GG: thats good!**

**EB: oh but, like...**

**EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :(**

**EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that.**

**GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important!**

**GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive...**

**GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!**

**EB: yeah, you're probably right.**

**EB: but, um...**

**EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i?**

**GG: oh uhhh...**

**GG: i dont know didnt you?**

**EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked to rose or dave about it or something.**

**GG: yeah maybe that was it!**

**EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!**

**GG: heheheh :D**

**EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things?**

**EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno.**

**GG: oh well john**

**GG: i want to explain lots of things to you...**

**GG: some things that i know**

**GG: im just...**

**GG: waiting!**

**EB: waiting for what!**

**GG: oh! john!**

**GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house!**

**EB: oh yeah.**

**EB: what ever happened with that?**

**GG: oh boy... well...**

**GG: it turns out i was confused about it...**

**GG: really confused! o_o;**

**GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and...**

**GG: lost track of time**

**GG: that happens!**

**EB: yeah i know, tell me about it!**

**EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something.**

**EB: so what was the deal with the meteor?**

**GG: well...**

**GG: its hard to explain!**

**GG: but...**

**GG: i know what it is now!**

**GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!**

**EB: so what is it?**

**EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me?**

**GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!**

**GG: but i cant yet**

**GG: i really think you need to wake up first!**

**EB: huh?**

**GG: well ok not literally**

**GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!**

**EB: AUGH!**

**EB: stop being so confusing!**

**GG: lol :)**

**GG: anyway time for you to go john**

**GG: i think you have some company!**

**GG: 3**

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at ?:? - **

Man she could be confusing sometimes. John re-captchalogued his PDA and picked up his pogo hammer again, sticking it in his strife deck. He got ready to kill some more of those pesky… huh? What was that?

The tip of a yellow hat appeared by the roof. Something was climbing up from the balcony. Green shoes smashed into the wall of the hallway and cracked it all along its exterior. A black hand reached out and placed the old Sassacre text on the roof where John had been.

John hid behind the bed along with the pesky shale imp that had been chewing on the mattress not too long before. They both shook with acute fear.

**- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at ?:? -**

**EB: rose, why aren't you dropping something on that thing?**

**EB: oh no**

**EB: D:**

The imp grabbed an umbrella and quickly absconded the fuck out of there! This was what weaker adversaries did whenever things got too hot in battle, which was frequently.

John ran over to his magic chest that he suddenly remembered had been on the roof all along. There were things in there that would be good to stock up on for a major battle. But it looked like someone had plundered the chest! This was so outrageous.

The house was utter mayhem. An imp looked up at a broken branch stupidly. Windows shattered as the large creature climbed to the roof. Another shale imp at the top of the tree next to the pogo ride hung on for dear life.

A black hand smashed into the area of the roof where John stood. He was being ambushed! The hand cracked the surface as it fell upon the hard surface with a loud thud. There wasn't much room to maneuver on the sloped surface. He had to consider making his way to higher ground.

John ascended to the highest point of the house, which was the platform that Rose had built. He smashed his pogo hammer into an imp next to him, clearing the area. He peeked over the edge of the roof, but there was nothing there.

It already seemed like a long way down to his yard. Not even to speak of whatever lay below. Hey, hadn't his trick handcuffs been dangling from the tree in the front? Dammit, why had the imps needed to be making off with all of his sweet gear.

Where was the creature he'd seen before? It wasn't anywhere to be… seen? A drop of drool landed on the back of his neck. Slowly, he turned around. Before him stood two crude ogres, one with his tire swing and the other with the Sassacre text. This was it. He had no choice but to wage a fierce rooftop battle. This was totally going to happen now, and could in no way conceivably be interrupted by a sudden change in our attention. It was go time. It was time to do this thing.

where doing it man.

where MAKING THIS HAPEN

Dave stood, looking at the note from his Bro. On the floor sat the weird puppets he'd defaced a few seconds before.

He grabbed his katana and Lil' Cal, who had been on top of the fridge, eyes gleaming in anticipation. He smashed through the door to the staircase and ascended to the roof. He burst through the door to the rooftop just as quickly and set Lil' Cal down. Around him, meteors fell from the sky, setting fire to the entirety of the urban landscape.

A black silhouette of a man with a hat appeared and disappeared just as quickly. Lil' Cal went with it. Dave looked around in shock. Where had the little guy gone? He jumped into the center of the roof and looked around once more. There was no one there. What… PSYCHE!

A young girl stood in her mini garden. On her shirt was an image of a blue pumpkin. She wore glasses and next to her sat a pumpkin with the image of a dog of some sort carved into it.

The girl stood and awaited her name… OH WAIT! x2 DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT COMBO!

A young… rather, an old… rather, a… what was he anyway? Whatever. WV stood in the capsule in the middle of the desert.


	15. Book 1 Chapter 15: The Mayor

Chapter 15: The Mayor

WV began to consider retrieving his arms, but he already had them. What about… examining that rotten pumpkin in the corner? WV stuffed it in his mouth, leaving pumpkin stains on his gray sheets. What pumpkin?

There was a panel with a spirograph behind him. Within the spirograph was the classic image of an atom. Below this logo was a red bar. It appeared to be a gauge for a large power cell, perhaps fueled by some kind of nuclear reaction. If this was the case, it was relatively low on fuel. But who knew how long it'd been running there? It didn't matter, though, because he did not care about this nonsense and was very hungry. He decided to disregard it at once.

He began to captchalogue one of the cans on the floor, but he was not sure what the meant. It was total nonsense and he had no idea what to make of it. He would not give the foolish notion a second thought. He merely picked up the can of gravy. He was now holding the can of gravy.

WV tried to use his teeth to poke a hole in the lid of the can, but they were useless. They were blunt like those of livestock, presumably suitable for mashing up plant material, and not for puncturing metal. He then attempted to open the can with his weak pathetic digits, but they were not strong enough to penetrate the can! His fingers were certainly pointy enough, and his black carapace was suitably rigid, but he just didn't have enough muscle for the task.

He picked up the can of beans as well. He also picked up the can of custard… or, rather, mustard, a fact of which he had been perfectly well aware. It was sort of cumbersome holding all these cans at once. He doubted he could hold any more than this. Maybe one or two. He'd need something to put stuff in if he wanted to carry a lot of things around.  
Ooh… he suddenly became fascinated by the marking on his hand and dropped all of the cans. It was a sort of specialized barcode pattern. It brought back unpleasant memories, and he prefered not to dwell on it.

He began to examine the small potted plant, but quickly stuffed it in his mouth. BURP… what plant? What was there left to examine? WV picked up the book on the floor about human etiquette. It appeared that half the pages had been eaten. The daunting volume was considerably lighter than it once had been. He was somewhat skeptical about the nutritional value contained by these pages. However, of the practical wisdom they contained there could be little doubt. He had learned so much.

Oh well. He set the book down and removed the cans from the peculiar cabinet, taking a quick inventory of his canned goods. He had beans, mustard, gravy, bread, shrimp, asparagus, cheese, rice, corn, peas, flour, chestnuts, mayo, ham, potatoes, and squash. Such bountiful plenty. And yet the delights taunted WV from within their small metal prisons. He'd already looked all over the place for a can opener, even making a few electronic inquiries about one, to no avail. There was nothing else inside the purple thing either.

Well… he did have his trusty knife… well, it wasn't really a knife, at that. It was actually a… what were they called? It was a rusted old one of those red mailbox arm-swing flappy doodads, either for letting one know there was mail in the box, or for alerting the mailman to outgoing mail to be collected. WV didn't know, really. He'd wrapped a little piece of cloth around it for a grip. What had been the point of bringing it up? It was quite useless for opening cans.

WV thought for a second that he should be the imp, and then he realized that he had no idea what that meant. He was not an imp, he had no idea what an imp was, and he would certainly not entertain such frivolous and childish activities ever again. He felt stupid and hating himself a bit more for even considering it.

As the glorious founder and mayor of Can Town, he erected a dignified, majestic city hall out of cans, fittingly topped off with the tome of good manners for the roof. He gave himself a very official and important-looking mayoral sash made out of old cables to complete his look of authority. a number of rather civic-minded citizen cans gathered in front of the building to offer adulation to their fair and magnanimous leader. All was well.

He immersed himself in this beautiful dream as he whittled away the minutes, or perhaps hours. He couldn't tell. He loved the idea of being a mayor. He loved everything about mayors, and the concept of an orderly, civilized democracy. It all seemed so mannerly and reasonable to him. Everyone was friendly and happy, and the city ran like clockwork. The foundation of the government was based on mutual respect between the leader and its people. It was also built on having a really great mayor that everyone loved who was totally amazing and heroic and brave.

Mayors were so much better than kings. He hated kings and thought that kings were really stupid. They were petty, bossy tyrants and were really full of themselves and basically awful in every way. God did he hate kings.

Hmm… WV crossed to the other side of the room. There was another one of those purple storage boxes on the wall, and some useless objects scattered on the floor. There was a box of crayons, a chunk of uranium, a firefly trapped in amber, and a canister of oil.

He picked up the nugget of uranium and swallowed it. Ow! That was so stupid! Why had he done that?

He looked at the box of crayons. Oh, it was chalk. Of course it had always been chalk, numbnuts. WV opened it. Inside were 12 pieces of chalk in every color of the… WV ate the two green pieces of chalk. ...10 pieces of chalk in almost every color of the rainbow. He was excited by this.

Holding the chalk in one hand, he banged on the door of the storage box. Nope. It was firmly shut. There had to be some sort of special release mechanism for it. Umm… maybe the oil would do something? No, it was just motor oil. Nothing special.

He picked up the firefly trapped in amber. There was nothing he could do for this new little friend. Attempting to crush the amber encasing the poor creature would likely cause it harm. It nevertheless bravely flashed on and off. WV found its light alluring. Inspiring. To him, it seemed as if it could easily have served as the light of…

Wait for it. The vagabond rushed over to the town hall and placed the firefly inside. ...democracy. Yay! He took out the chalk and drew a handsome network of thoroughfares for his citizens to traverse on the ground. The adoring population applauded its mayor's keen instincts for city planning. He even added some lush vegetation to his city with a piece of blue chalk, because he couldn't find a more suitable color for some reason.

At the end of Can Boulevard, the mayor of Can Town developed westward, settling those fertile plains and claiming them for his city. He sectioned off a number of commercial and residential zones for civic growth, arranged in the only logical pattern that occurred. Every other square like a chessboard. He colored his residential zones in with a piece of white chalk, but for some reason none of the colors in the chalk box struck him as suitable for commercial zones. Perhaps there was an alternative.

His own pee, perhaps? No, he couldn't urinate because he had not had anything to drink for quite some time. He was very thirsty. Also, that was a really terrible idea and he would not consider befouling his city like that for even a moment. Um… Why was everything a puzzle for poor WV?

Oh, of course! The motor oil! He filled each empty square with a bit of motor oil to complete the zoning. It looked rather striking to him. He could hardly imagine that an up and coming young can trying to make it in the world would not be delighted to live in his fair district. He was very careful not to get any of the unpleasant fluid on his person.

He was the mayor. He had a city. There were streets, a town hall… wait. He didn't have a mayoral label! Every good mayor needed a label saying "mayor" on their sash! He peeled the label off of the Mayo can and affixed it to his sash, adding an "r" to the end in red chalk.

Now that he had a proper mayoral sash, he could begin to expand his territory. But where could he expand to? It seemed as though he'd run out of room for westward expansion. He scratched his carapace thoughtfully. There were always the walls. Perhaps his citizens would be happier with a colorful backdrop that would make them feel more at home.

Using most of his imagination and an entire piece of sky-blue chalk, WV rendered a bright and cheerful sky full of clouds. He had decided that very closely orbiting his city was a luminous planet, about which orbited a single moon. As soon as he ran out of light blue chalk, he switched to another shade of blue and continued rendering on the western wall.

Orbiting much further from his city were four planets. None of them had satellites, he'd decided. Yes, that made sense, he thought. One of them was a splotch of motor oil, a second was a colorful planet surrounded by clouds, a third was a water planet with a giant volcano on it, and the fourth was shaped like a giant gear.

On the southern wall, beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness, was the luminous planet's counterpart, the ominous planet. A moon circled this one as well. Also on the western wall was the computer console, upon which the upper right screen was on. It displayed a rampaging boy with a pogo hammer.

Yeah, it was that guy. WV had almost completely forgotten about him and his confusing shenanigans. It seemed like he had things in hand at the moment. He did not appear to require WV's help, and the vagabond had already concluded that the boy could not help him, at least for the time being.

The other three screens were all off. WV had no idea how to operate this thing! There was no mouse for the weird quadra-monitored computer. It could only be operated through text commands on its keyboard. Perhaps there was a special key or command which would allow him to switch on another monitor? What about… the tab key? WV pressed the tab key.

Behind him, the storage box upon which he had drawn the luminescent planet popped open. A bunch of cans of Tab Soda fell out. OMG! SODA! DRINK! LIQUID! THIRST!

WV freed the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibed like the wind. It was so sweet and sugary! He wondered how so much sugar could fit in one can. Whatever mighty wizard who had concocted this potion was truly deserving of his fear and respect.

The Tab Sodas were neutralized as loyal new citizens of Can Town. All cans were welcome and equal in his city, regardless of can content and whether empty or full. It wasn't like emptying a can killed it or anything. They were just cans after all.

Feeling refreshed and heavily caffeinated, he resumed his work on the big computer. He hit escape, which seemed to minimize the action window thingy and revealed a history of all the commands he'd entered. He used the arrow key to scroll up a bit. He couldn't believe how much he'd already typed into this contraption. What a waste of time.

He scrolled all the way up to his first command. It looked like there were more commands before it. Maybe someone had been entering commands into this thing before him? There weren't many more. At the top of the list appeared to be the very first command.

⇒ HOME

⇒ VIEW

⇒ SWITCH 2

⇒ SWITCH 3

⇒ SWITCH 4

⇒ SWITCH 1

⇒ ESC

⇒ LOCK ROOM 3 PASS ********

⇒ VIEW

⇒ REBOOT

BOY.

YOU THERE. BOY.

…

WV typed "⇒ SWITCH 2" and the upper left screen was activated. The signal was garbled and he had no idea what he was looking at. Some filthy old beggar pleading for help? It was one of Rose's Mom's wizards, but WV had no idea what in the world it could have been. There was no one around, and nothing was happening. He seemed to be locked out of any sort of interaction with whatever was happening on this monitor.

WV typed "⇒ SWITCH 3" into the console and the bottom left screen was activated. It was another one of these rapscallions. It was Dave standing on his roof next to an orange bird sprite floating over a destroyed Lil' Cal, but WV had no idea what this was. And neither should you, because this hasn't happened yet in terms of the story of Dave Strider. But, in any case, WV considered switching to screen 4, but he figured whatever was on it would only confuse him more, and he didn't really care all that much anyway.

He proceeded to type "⇒ HOME" and all four screens activated. Together they displayed a countdown, starting at four hours and thirteen minutes.

What else. He began to type "⇒ REBOOT" when he realized it wasn't working. He couldn't press any buttons on the keyboard anymore! The timer seemed to have disabled it!

Whatever. Enough of this nonsense. The Wayward Vagabond was an important mayor and this absurd contraption had already wasted enough of his time. He had a city to govern with a carapaced fist! (Which was to say firm, yet polished, and supple as the situation demanded.) Anyway, this would help him kill some time while he waited for the clock to count down.

He temporarily dismantled city hall to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant town militia. He divided them up into two groups, marking them with distinct teams and ranks using the piece of white chalk and the motor oil. He then organized them in phalanx across the countryside, preparing for a stiff training regimen. When he was through with them, his forces would be a well-**oil**ed machine. **Chalk** another one up to bold leadership. It was time to lead his men to victory.

WV wasted more than four hours playing a stupid game of chess with cans of Tab and year-old rations. He finally reached checkmate and squeezed the enemy king, rupturing it along the side. Shh… no one would ever have to know about this. His caffeinated jittering must have agitated all the little bubbles curiously hidden in the liquid, creating too much pressure in the can. _Yes, that's it_, he thought, nervously eyeing the timer. It was down to four minutes.

He began to wonder what would happen when it reached zero. Maybe it would be best not to be near when it happened.

Minutes in the future, though perhaps not as few as implied by circumstance, a peregrine mendicant trundled precious cargo beneath the gleam of the celestially ominous. She wheeled a shopping cart full of rusty mailboxes through the desert aimlessly. She had no idea where her next delivery would take her, but it was sure to be somewhere interesting. Certainly more interesting than the endless dunes and scorching desert.

She wore gray sheets which came to a point behind her head like an elf hat. She was quite certain she didn't know what an elf was. But in any case, her white carapacian footsteps and the cart full of mailboxes left quite an interesting trail for whomever to follow. The question was, would anyone follow? Ever. Was there even anyone left besides her? It was her duty to deliver her mail, but was there anywhere to deliver it too?

No. She shrugged the thought away. Someone, somewhere, was depending on her. She couldn't let them down. She narrowed her eyes and squinted into the sunny glare, continuing on. She had no choice.


	16. Book 1 Chapter 16: Ascension

Chapter 16: Ascension

WV said a bittersweet goodbye to his beloved city. It was time to move on to greener pastures. By which, of course, he meant an arid, sandy wasteland upon which nothing green had grown in years. He left the console room and entered the cylinder that contained the ladder to the surface. The door closed behind him with a loud thud. A panel upon it illuminated. As he pondered over the marks on the door, he heard another mechanical sound overhead. A metal grate slid out of the wall and blocked the way up. There was nowhere to go but back in.

The LCD panel on the door appeared to have a touchscreen interface. Upon it was what appeared to be a map of the facility. An arrow pointed towards the SBURB house logo. That must have been the room he'd just been in. Curiously, the Wayward Vagabond prodded the funny-looking spirograph. It appeared as though the funny-looking spirograph room was locked. The floor rotated 360 degrees beneath him, however. The surrounding wall seemed to stay put.

He clicked the triangley fractal, which did not appear to be locked. The floor turned 120 degrees and the door opened up again. WV walked through the door to find another room. It was the same size as the one he'd just wasted all of that time in while a clock ticked down to something that may or may not have been his doom. Maybe there was something in here that would help him escape.

Against the wall was another perplexing contraption. It was some sort of control panel. It had two large screens, but only one appeared to be active. The active one displayed the Earth split up longitudinally and latitudinally. The inactive screen displayed a diagram of four circles, each containing a spirograph, and with a bunch of dots leading each of them to a slightly bigger circle in the center. He couldn't make heads or tails of that one. It was a mystery to him.

There were fields for numbers which appeared to be modifiable with the dials to the right. Some numbers were supplied by default, perhaps entered by the previous user. There were three buttons below, the largest one bearing the symbol that had marked this room (the triangley fractal thingy). The one to the left was the SBURB house logo and the one to the right was a button with a map of the facility on it with an "x" marking the central room.

There was also a meter stick propped up next to the machine for some reason.

WV immediately crafted a measuring spear through possibly the most advanced form of alchemy employed thus far. He stuck the trusty knife to the end of the meter stick, slipping the stick through the grip of the knife. This was obviously the most important thing to do first. Obviously!

...Or it would obviously have been the most important thing to do first if he had remembered to bring his trusty knife. He clenched the meter stick tightly in his carapacian hands, feeling insecure without his trusty knife. It made him want to slit his wrists. Or, at the very least, flog his carapace with some sort of measuring apparatus.

Across the room sat yet another perplexing contraption. It looked like some sort of shrink ray, but WV, of course, had no idea what it did. He adopted the only obvious course of action, which was to poke and prod it with his handy ruler. He was sure this was what science was all about. He went back to the control panel, which probably obviously controlled the gizmo, and pushed the big blue button with the fractal on it which was obviously probably the most obvious thing to push.

A smaller screen above the control panel displayed the word "APPEARIFY" and a pumpkin was appearified at the other end of the room by the shrink ray thing. So it wasn't a shrink ray after all, but rather, an Appearifier. The pumpkin had the image of a dog of some sort carved into it.

It seemed as though the mysterious gourd had been transported (or, rather, appearified!) from a specific time and location somewhere on the planet he was on. He wondered if the machine (APPEARIFIER! GET IT RIGHT!) would take any object that existed at any time and location he supplied. He didn't understand what the symbol carved into the pumpkin meant, and he doubted it would ever prove to be relevant in any way. He considered dining on the ripe flesh of the plump vegetable, but his curiosity about the Appearifier got the better of him. He tried to sneak a nibble from the pumpkin nonetheless. An arm stuck out of a portal in the floor, but WV was too preoccupied to notice.

Okay. It was time to see exactly what the Appearifier could do. He first pressed the green button on the right. All of the numbers changed. Perhaps they were the coordinates for the center of the facility, along with the local date and time? If this were the case, it would make a useful reference point for his current bearings. One way to find out would be to attempt to appearify something from the facility. It would be easy to zero in on a location relative to the center because WV had an uncanny knack for tracking precise distances he had already traversed, in whatever units he chose. His handy ruler gave him a good clue as to the basic unit of human measurement. He would go with that.

He nudged the coordinates very slightly and bumped the elevation by 0.5 human measurement units, making sure to keep the time approximately what it was to begin with. He appearified his trusty knife in the flower pot, which had been sitting atop the dismantled town hall.

He nudged the numbers a bit more and appearified a bunch of cans along with the firefly in amber. This was so much more efficient than walking back to the other room to get them. He was to believe that time was at a premium, after all.

He wondered if he could deappearify the pumpkin, but he immediately banged his head with his fists in self-anger. _Does the machine look like a Deappearifier to you? _he thought. Honestly, the thought that an Appearifier could both appearify and deappearify things was so laughably ridiculous, WV wished that someone could deappearify his brain and reappearify it with a brain that was more smart and less dumb.

What about carving a spook schema into the pumpkin? What the hell was that supposed to mean? The idea made no sense and was basically meaningless. He should try using that mushy stuff in his gourd next time. Instead, he just carved off the top, exposing a decadent cache of gorgeous, seed-laden ambrosia. Needless to say, he consumed all of it rather quickly.

Full of pumpkin mush, he attempted to move the spirograph switch between the two screens. It was locked, however, pointing towards the Earth and not at the other diagram. It seemed to require a special key to turn it.

WV picked up the firefly trapped in amber and held it in his hand, nudging the numbers on the dials some more so that they corresponded with the insect. He hit the central blue button on the control panel and the trapped specimen was appearified out of the relic. She flew over to him and landed on his head. He would give her a name when something suitably whimsical occurred to him.

He and Serenity (that was quick) considered new ways to waste time with the appearifier. He was assuming she was a girl firefly even though he was not totally sure that fireflies could even be girls. He finally settled on targeting the extremely tasty rotten pumpkin that had been sitting in the other room hours ago.

But it seemed the appearifier could not appearify something if it would create a time paradox. Instead, it paradoxified a gelatinous ghost pumpkin, which quickly dissolved into a pile of green unappetizing sludge.

Serenity blinked a message of urgency (.-.. . - … -. -!, which means Let's go!). Right! WV had nearly forgotten that while trapped in amber she'd been witness to all of his tomfoolery and dillydallying in the other room, and knew the timer was about to expire. It was time to get this show on the road and escape. He reset the coordinates with the green button on the right once more and adjusted the elevation by approximately 10 human measurement units.

The Appearifier appearified the grate at the top of the facility, which fell into the pile of gelatinous sludge. It was go time.

WV brought the emptied-out pumpkin over to the appearifier and filled it with his cans. There were approximately 30 seconds left to go.

"... ..- .-. .-. -.- ..- .-.!" Serenity blinked (which translates to Hurry up!). The Mayor quickly placed all the cans into the pumpkin but when he tried to place the last can of Tab, there was no room. He tried to fit it in again, but it didn't work. He tossed the can over to the control panel, where it landed on the green button on the right.

WV rushed over to the control panel, where he placed the top of the pumpkin towards the back of the thing and then finally attached his trusty knife to the meter stick. He attached the newly created measuring spear to his back, slipping it through his mayoral sash. He grabbed the top of the pumpkin again and returned to the Appearifier, where he placed it on top of the pumpkin. It didn't fit, so he ate the top. 8 seconds to go.

"- ... .. ... .. ... .. -. -.-. .-. . -.. .. -... .-.. -.- ... .. .-.. .-.. -.-!" Serenity blinked again ("This is incredibly silly!").

He attached an old cable to the pumpkin and carried it like a bag. That worked. 5 seconds to go. He was out the door. Slowly, he climbed the ladder. 3… 2… he could make it!

WV slipped and fell to the ground, all of the cans spilling everywhere. The top of his hood had fallen open. In an act of some sort of karma, the pumpkin landed on his head, rendering him the pumpkin lid. He supposed this was another PSYCHE moment. Maybe?

oh wait. UNPSYCHE. WV attempted the rare and highly dangerous x5 cliffhanger combo and failed. We were doing it man. We were making this happen.

Out in the desert, WV's footprints created a long trail leading to the facility he was in. They wound over dunes and through long sandy valleys under the scorching sun. And at the very end of it, WV was poking his head out of the facility, his pumpkin bindle and the spirographic lid to the facility sitting on top of the scorching white metal. Not too far away sat an arm of sort, holding a globe. Zazzerpan the learned had always held a globe in one hand.

The large facility which had been sitting in a crater, suddenly and with a great explosion, took off from the desert. It was and had always been a rocket. It flew into the sky, up above the clouds. Serenity, who was floating by The Mayor's head, struggled to keep up. They were flying west across the desertified country. The Mayor peeked over the edge, watching as the scenery rushed by down below.

A continent westward and years in the past (but not many), a crater fell towards John's neighborhood. An explosion. A crater. It began to fill up with sand. The desert around it shifted until all that was left was uniform, flat ground. As the desert shifted, a white sapling sprung from the ground. It grew over the years, branching out and growing many leaves, until, one summer, it bore fruit. A small, gray capsule with the SBURB logo on it fell to the ground. This was no ordinary tree. Autumn. The leaves turned red and fell away.

In the most barren month of the year, winter, no snow fell. This was, of course, due to the extreme heat in the desert. Under the hot winter sun, the Peregrine Mendicant wheeled her cart towards the tree.

Something appeared in the sky, although the mendicant did not notice it. Above the tree, high in the sky, WV peered over the edge of his westward-traveling rocket and saw her. He waved. The mendicant looked up from her position near the tree and the strange capsule. She watched as the strange hooded figure and his insectile companion flew overhead.

An ocean westward and years in the past (but not many… scratch that, years and _years_ ago, as in super-pre-pre-pre-historic), a volcano sat amidst a sea of crags. Somewhere out in the depths of space, a gyrating spirograph let loose a meteoroid. The meteoroid hit the Earth with astounding force, making a giant crater next to the volcano. It slowly filled with lava from a recent volcanic eruption. The volcano fell dormant.

Over the years, an ancient frog-worshipping civilization grew in the crater, bringing animals and lush vegetation to the area.

A flood. The crater filled up with water, wiping away the civilization. Only their towers and shrine to the frog god remained. Water slowly eroded the crags around the volcano, leaving only a small volcanic island with a crater in the center. Vegetation grew, overtaking the land. Vines and water crumbled the towers. Only a few remained standing, including the largest one in the center. More vegetation. Lilypads crowned the water. Trees grew on the land surrounding the crater. Clouds passed overhead along with pterodactyls. The age of the dinosaurs had arrived.

A tree fell behind Rose's house as she braved the extreme heat and the pouring rain outside. She was banging on the generator out by the mausoleum, trying to get it to work. The flaming piece of vegetation fell towards Rose and she jumped away from the generator.

At about the same time, her mother stood inside the house, holding a martini glass and looking off at the next-door laboratory. A button was pressed and a trapdoor in the mausoleum slid open.

Meanwhile, at around the same time as Rose absconded from the generator, four dark towers rose above a tiled purple surface. Two lowly shale imps stood below these imposing towers, one with John's wizard hat on and the other with a sword in its hand, urging on John's Dad, who was wearing his fedora and had his pipe in his mouth. He was shackled...

With trick handcuffs. He popped them open with a shift of his wrist and quickly spun on his heels, wielding a cake in one hand and a can of Barbasol in the other. The imps looked at him in fright, holding their hands up in surrender.

Meanwhile, at around the same time as well, Dave stood on the roof with his katana, looking around for his Bro. His shirt with its image of a disc on it shifted back and forth in the hot wind.

And then there he was. Bro Strider stood across from Dave, Lil' Cal next to him, on the roof of their apartment building. His eyes gleamed behind his triangular shades.

Meanwhile… well, not meanwhile, but rather, in the future, WV's rocket capsule, out of fuel, landed on a desertified old island that had once been home to a proud, frog-worshipping civilization. He looked up at the tall tower and sighed. Why was he here? What was his purpose in life? Such was the conundrum of a mayor. Did he serve some greater purpose?

He banged himself in the head quickly for being repetitive and continued to look up in awe at the large frog shrine. Serenity stopped blinking for a second to admire the structure as well. Hmm…

Dear John,

**You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of ****Sassacre****'s time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson! **

**How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the ****Final Day** **of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your ****Father****. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready. **

**But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of ****Warring Royalty** **in a ****Timeless Expanse****. A realm of ****Agents** **and ****Exiles** **and ****Consorts** **and ****Kernelsprites****. Of toiling ****Underlings** **and slumbering ****Denizens****. A realm where four will gather, the ****Heir of Breath** **and ****Seer of Light****, the ****Knight of Time** **and ****Witch of Space****, and together they will ****Ascend****. **

**John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again! **

**Until then, John, I do hope your ****Father** **keeps you well fed!**

**With love,**

**Nanna **

**P.s. Hoo Hoo Hoo!**

To be continued in Book 2: Insane Corkscrew Haymakers


	17. Book 2 Chapter 1: Jade Harley

Book 2: Insane Corkscrew Haymakers

Chapter 1: Jade Harley

A silly girl napped by her flowers. She was holding a note written in light green ink in her hand and had a shirt on that depicted a blue pumpkin. It was quite likely that she'd tired herself out with a variety of silly antics, as silly girls were often known to do. She may have had a silly name too. Or maybe not… it was hard to say for sure without asking her. But since she was slumbering peacefully, it would have been a shame to wake her up. It would be best to name her right now.

She lay and awaited her name. Farmstink Buttlass? Umm… she didn't make a face. I mean, I suppose her name's Farmstink. Okay… well, there's no narrative without a character, right? We'd better try to wake Farmstink up.

Let's just shake her around a bit. Wow! She's really down for the count! Um… if we just drop this pumpkin with the weird carving in it on her… Okay, it just deappearified. Just great.

Wait, what pumpkin? There is no pumpkin, and frankly it is hard to imagine there ever was a pumpkin, in plain sight or otherwise. Anyway, that would have been a really terrible thing to do to poor, sweet Farmstink.

Hmm… well, let's see now. What does that note say? It's a little card, not too large or small, just the right size for a concise message.

**farmstink?**

**that is incredibly**

**silly and a little bit**

**rude! my name is ⇒**

Let's just flip the card over here. Hold on… Ah. Jade Harley? Yes, that must be it. That is what the card says. Her name is Jade Harley.

Suddenly, Jade sits up and… hold on, I should get back in the past tense mindset and STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

Suddenly, Jade sat up, looking around. She got to her feet. She'd just woken up from a restful nap, and as usual, had no recollection of ever having fallen asleep in the first place. She had quite a number of interests. So many in fact, she had trouble keeping track of them all, even with an assortment of colorful reminders on her fingers to help her sort out everything on her mind. Nevertheless, when she spent time in the garden atrium, the only thing on her mind was her deep passion for horticulture.

Jade picked up her flute by the wall and attempted to play a haunting refrain. All that she managed to do was to squeak out a few random notes. Wow, she really sucked at this thing! Maybe she should try playing an instrument she actually knew how to play, like the one in her bedroom. Honestly, she had no idea where this flute had even come from. Things seemed to appear and disappear around here all the time. Especially, to her unending chagrin, any sort of orange gourd that might have been lying around. She considered throwing her flute down in disgust.

But on second thought, it was a perfectly nice flute and there was no reason to take her frustration out on it. She just needed some practice. She decided to captchalogue it instead. Before doing so, however, she first needed to set her fetch modus.

She had a wide variety to choose from. She had been really excited when her Grandpa had bought this set for her for Christmas. He was a total badass, even if a little strict. Jade typically opted for the Memory modus when it came to matters of day-to-day practicality. She also had Boggle, Pictionary, Monopoly, Yahtzee, Clue, Connect Four, Jenga, Battleship, Ouija, Guess Who?, and Operation moduses, all classic games.

Today, however, was just like any other day, so she opted for the Memory modus as usual. She tucked her shirt, which depicted a blue atom, into her belt (it was always coming loose) and captchalogued the flute. She then proceeded to allot 9 cards to the modus from her deck, since that would be more than enough for her needs at the moment. The modus grabbed 9 more cards, bringing the card total up to 18 for matching purposes. The flute was split up into two blank cards, and mixed randomly into the 3 by 6 matching grid. To retrieve the item, she had to first pick one card, and then its matching card. For the typical sylladexer, this modus presented a frustrating guessing game and a lot of wasted time on mismatching. But Jade liked it because she seemed to have a knack for always guessing right on the first try.

Just like John, Rose, and Dave, she had to consider doing something frivolous as well. Perhaps squealing like a piglet and fertilizing some plants would do? No, it was an awfully silly idea and was basically a waste of everyone's time. She would predictably disregard this thought and focus on more sensible objectives at once.

Except, she wasn't predictable, so she wouldn't disregard the idea. Hefting the bag of plant fertilizer, she jumped around from table to table, squealing like a piglet the entire way. Oh my god this was so much fun! Eventually she just captchalogued the fertilizer bag, splitting it up into the Memory grid.

Panting, she looked at her hands. She tended to have a lot of things on her mind at once, and she could sometimes be a bit forgetful. So she kept a variety of colored strings on her fingers as reminders. Each one meant there was something different to remember at a certain time. In fact, looking at her index finger reminded her that there was something to remember now! It was 4/13, her friend John's birthday. The green string reminded her that John's birthday package would arrive today. The blue string _also_ reminded her that John's birthday package would arrive today, though in a way that meant something slightly different. She was further reminded that she had some things to do outside her house soon. But that she should stop by her room first for some supplies, and most importantly, to see if John was online and wish him a happy birthday.

Jade quickly and inconspicuously snapped up a pumpkin next to her that seemed suitably ripe for the taking, tucking her shirt (which depicted a blue ghost slime on it) into her belt again in the process. Hopefully the safety of her sylladex would prevent it from being spirited away like many of its ephemeral predecessors.

She, along with her shirt depicting the SBURB spirograph, made her way to the middle of the garden atrium, where a stairwell joined the four atrium wings. What was SBURB? She had no idea. Upstairs was her Grandfather's laboratory as well as her room.

Before going upstairs, however, she wanted to fill up her sylladex a bit. After all, the Memory modus was no fun without anything in it. She decided to stock up on fresh produce to fill some more cards. She grabbed a juicy red crab apple, a nice looking key lime, a delicious mandarin orange (her favorite), and a ripe yellow eureka lemon. They all smiled happily at her and she smiled back. Delicious fruits were always so jovial! Modus fun aside, she felt it was impossible to have too many fresh fruits and vegetables on hand.

Okay. She was ready to go upstairs. She tucked her blue-leafed shirt even tighter into her belt and stepped onto the Transportalizer in the middle of the spiral staircase. She almost never used the stairs. Wearing her blue squiddle shirt, she transportalized upstairs, where a box with the atom logo sat to the side. Just above was her room.

She ascended the final flight of steps and entered her bedroom. On the near side of the room where Jade stood, she was immediately confronted with numerous artifacts highlighting her various interests. She was an avid follower of cartoon shows of considerable nostalgic appeal, such as one of her favorites, Squiddles. She had a profound zeal for marvelous and fantastic fauna of an anthropomorphological persuasion. She had an uncanny knack for nuclear physics, and not infrequently could be found dabbling in rather advanced gadgetry. She also enjoyed sporadic fits of narcolepsy, which was fairly self-evi… zzzzzzz…

Ten minutes later, Jade woke up and continued as if nothing had happened. Her love of gardening transcended the glass confines of her atrium and she was at times prone to patterns of precognitive prognostication. She very briefly considered the question: What should she do next? But she realized that this was only half of her she'd just examined, and therefore host to only half of her interests to choose from.

On the other side of her room, which she and her blue-weird-dog-logo t-shirt turned to look at, were yet more articles of her aforementioned interests, and then some. Additional telltale signs of her enthusiasm for nostalgic television mingled with her assortment of game-hunting firearms. She was a skilled markswoman, though her crosshairs would never settle on an innocent creature, anthropomorphically persuaded or otherwise.

Her work table was littered with equipment to facilitate her tinkering. For Jade, experimentation was not a particularly exact science, and she leaned heavily on sharp intuition for consistently and eerily optimal results. Nevertheless, she had still not been able to get that broad flat gizmo over there to work, which was a design she'd borrowed from one of her Grandpa's more mysterious inventions. It looked like a five-panel window. Six tubes extended from its sides.

Jade was a great admirer of her Grandpa, and she was not alone. Her grandfather was a world-renowned explorer-naturalist-treasure hunter-archaeologist-scientist-adventurer-big game hunter-billionaire extraordinaire. He had taught her all she knew.

But in spite of all of his lessons, it was still difficult to escape his stern lectures when she was on the way out of the house to run her errands. He spent most of his time in the grand foyer, stewing in his own intensity and charisma. And today would likely be no exception. Among the errands she had planned was to venture out to find her pet and best friend named Becquerel. This animal had to be fed and he would not be happy if he was not. And if he was not happy, then Jade would not be happy. But first she really wanted to dig out her computer and say "hi" to John!

She equipped her trusty hunting rifle and placed it into her riflekind strife specibus. There would have been hell to pay if Grandpa had caught her leaving the house without it.

She looked over at her wardrobifier, which she had left on its randomization setting. That explained all the shirt design changing. Now it was the blue sun, but now the weird blue dog, and now the blue flower. Blue atom. Blue ghost slime. Blue pumpkin. Blue radioactive symbol. There were ten in all, the other three being the blue leaf, the blue spirograph, and the blue squiddle. The squiddle was a bit much like Rose's typical shirt symbol, which was a purple squiddle adapted to fit the girl's odd fascination with the zoologically dubious, but Jade did not know this.

In the future, she thought about contemplating which shirt design she favored most and commit to that setting, but for the time being, randomization was fine.

Jade was about to grab the blue squiddle doll at the foot of the wardrobifier to cuddle with, but before she could, the powerful electromagnets concealed in their underbellies became activated, and it got pulled to a pink one not too far away, their tentacles tangled up playfully. She captchalogued the tangle buddies.

She thought about losing interest in fauna and never speaking of it again. That would be a horrible thing to do! She could NEVER do that! What marvelous creatures they were. What a daring dream, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with the elegance and nobility of the animal kingdom. How she wished she could know their world! To hear one night those muted pawpads traipse up her stairs. A low but friendly growl unsettles her slumber, and as the sopor seeps from her eyes they detect a sharp pair of ears cutting moonlight. A mysterious wolven tongue invites. Wouldn't those ears suit her? Would not that proud long snout assist her in the hunt? No need to answer. Words slough from the busy mind like a useless dead membrane while a more visceral sapience takes over. Something simpler is in charge now, a force untouched by the concerns and burdens of the upright, that farcical yoke the bipedal toe. It now drives her through the midnight brush, her paws whisking through creepers, unearthing with each bold stomp bright odors demanding investigation. But not for long, as she and her new-found friend must claim the night with piercing howls moonwards. She eats a weird bug and doesn't even care.

Speaking of which, Jade picked up and admired one of her manthro chaps. They were wonderful friends and were always cheerful and pleasant fellows. Each one came with a number of accessories, including articles of formal attire, a vaccination kit, and a dishwasher-safe sloup trough.

"Why dear Mr. Coxcomb, how ever will you be received at the barnyard gala without the trappings of a proper gentleman?" She asked the old chap.

Setting Mr. Coxcomb down, she gathered all of the dolls into a rather cozy-looking pile. In the process, a yellow and a purple squiddle became tangle buddies. She returned to the wardrobifier and deactivated the random mode and set it to cycle through the spirograph, sun, and atom. The decision had been tough, but she believed she had come to the best possible conclusion.

Outside, it was another beautiful day in her neighborhood, peaceful and quiet as usual. A rather imposing volcano, which fortunately had been inactive for centuries, loomed over her house. Though dormant on the surface, the volcanic activity deep underground provided her house with a source of geothermal power. She was not sure why her Grandpa had decided to draw for this source of energy when he had the unlimited power of the atom on hand, but it had been this way for as long as Jade could remember. She'd chalked it up to her family's longstanding propensity for eclectic fursuits… ahem *cough cough*, that is to say, pursuits.

Fursuits. Of course. She thought about retrieving hers from her magic chest, but she did not, nor had she ever, owned a fursuit. She thought anthropomorphic fauna were really cute and enchanting and all, but it had never occurred to her to dress as one. Sure, it was fun to imagine what it would be like to run wild with a pack of wolves, or purr and frolic with a litter of kittens, but dressing up as an animal just seemed ridiculous! It would still just be a silly girl draped in a raggedy synthetic tufty piece of crap, and seriously who was she trying to kid with that sort of baloney? Anyway, it was not a magic chest, as she very well knew. It was her gadget chest, which she had adapted to store a number of useful gizmos. It was once her oracle's truck, a gift from her grandfather, of course, and still contained many silly fortune-telling knickknacks, all of which were completely bogus.

Among the silly fortune-telling knickknacks were the following items: a crystal ball plus compulsory velvet pillow, a tarot deck, a magic 8 ball, a magic cue ball, and one of her favorite books of all time: _Problem Sooth_. Among the _useful _gadgets were of course her computer, which Jade kept inside a fun lunchbox for easy transport along with a couple of gizmos she kept handy so that she didn't always have to make the long trip to the kitchen. They were a Cookalizer for preparing delicious meals, and a Refrigerator, a name which was clearly a wacky variation on the much more common household appliance, the Refrigifyificator.

Jade looked at the magic eight and cue balls. They were stupid and useless! When the magic 8 ball wasn't being frustrating ambiguous, its forecast was always wrong! She had tested it numerous times with certain facts she knew to be true.

"Is it John's birthday today?" She asked the eight ball. It gave the reply "not exactly". See? Stupid!

Unless… well, Jade supposed maybe it could be used as a reverse-prediction device such that she always trusted the opposite of what it said. But that seemed dumb to her. And anyway, the thing gave her a bad vibe. She might have considered smashing it, but she was a little superstitious about whatever ominous consequences that might have, even if the occult talisman in question was a cheap piece of garbage.

As for the magic cue ball, it was said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity, but unfortunately, it lacked a portal on its surface to allow her to view the prediction. Both of the items were complete junk. Jade placed them back in the gadgetry box.

She captchalogued the Refrigerator, Lunchtop, and Cookalizer. Whoops, there went her flute. But who cared.

Before Jade went out to find Bec, she had to prepare food for him. She cleared some space on her work table so that she could set up her Refrigerator and Cookalizer. Just for fun, Jade decided to allow you, the reader, to take a stab at matching the cards to use the gizmos. It didn't present much of a challenge to her, so she figured she might as well step aside, while providing a few generous hints. No, no… warmer. Warmer. Cooler. Cooler. COLD! No, silly, tangle buddies are nothing like oranges! And what's this about matching limes with fertilizer? Warmer. Yes! No! Cold. ICE COLD! Warmer. Warmer… Oh there we go, you got the key lime. Nice job. The key lime jumped around on the table.

No! The Refrigerator is certainly not a lemon! No! Really cold! FROZEN FUCKING TUNDRA. Oh god. The eureka lemon joined the key lime in bouncing around on the table.

You selected the mandarin oranges, which joined the fiesta on the table. Congratulations, you have advanced your matching skill to the new level: **YUKON HERO: LEGACY OF THE FROSTBITE AMPUTEE**. Just so cold. So cold. Jade was beginning to regret breaking the fourth wall again for this ill-advised escapade. Ok, one more time. You have one more chance.

You released the apple onto the table. If it were known in advance how terrible you were going to be at this matching game, the author may have given second thought to preparing this cool interactive segment of the story. Look at all these fruits on the loose. Good luck to Jade trying to settle them down.

She just deployed the gadgets herself and rounded up the fruits to put in the Refrigerator to keep them fresh. They were unlikely to become less impudent any time regardless of where they were stored, but she stuck them in anyway.

Jade took a look at the Refrigerator's rotary interface, wondering what Bec was in the mood for today. She dialed up a thick t-bone steak, which she was sure her pet was in the mood for because he was in the mood for steak every day and was never in the mood for anything else. But he did like his steak well-cooked. She then looked at the other device. The cookalizer's display had a heat setting going from thaw to cook to irradiate to NUCLEAR EXPLOSION! X_X.

She turned the dial up to irradiate. Bec sure did like his steak rare anyway. But she didn't dignify the thought of turning the knob much farther because she was not retarded. She placed the steak on the cookalizer and captchalogued the irradiated piece of meat a few seconds later. She probably shouldn't have wasted any more time. She should have hurried outside so that all those nice steak isotopes stayed nice and depleted. But she didn't hurry outside. She examined the atomic bass by her bed.

Well… actually, she wouldn't exactly call it atomic, but it was heavily customized to accommodate a high level of musical virtuosity, the perfect instrument for the eclectically spirited. She'd tuned the strings way down of course because her stumpy arms couldn't reach the low notes.

She switched the more properly named eclectic bass to its advanced setting. Two keyboards and another guitar popped out of the side. She promptly switched it back, however, since obviously it was too complicated to play in person like this. The default setting was her preferred mode for casual jamming. And since she couldn't possibly waste enough time playing music, casual jamming was exactly what she was going to do.

She began to play a hauntingly relaxing bass line, the recording box playing it in the atrium and growing the plants. A pumpkin grew so big that it was disappearified. Wait? What pumpkin? There was no pumpkin there, nor had there ever been one there. This was a scientifically proven fact because pumpkins couldn't just disappear.

Her room was off to the side to the main tower of her Grandpa's luxurious mansion tower, which had the observatory sitting on top. The entire mansion sat upon the smaller peak next to the volcano, which overlooked the lake, which maintained numerous lilypads upon it, and of course the remnants of the frog-worshipping civilization.

A plane flew overhead, dropping a blue package with a parachute attached to it. The package landed near a crumbled tower not too far from Jade's home.

Jade stopped playing and captchalogued the bass. She also grabbed the portable amp from the wall socket. Okay, it was time to talk to John. She jumped into her comfy pile of manthro chaps and squiddles and took her lunchtop out of her sylladex. She decided to get down to business.

She opened her lunchtop and a flame shot out of her computer. The flame slowly turned into a rotating green cylinder, which grew in size until it was bigger than Jade itself. It exploded outwards and created Jade's 3D holographic desktop. The desktop background was animated as well. Her programs: Pesterchum, Echidna, and Freshjamz! floated around her. An arm came out of a blue portal above where she lay. That was odd. It disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

Jade selected the Pesterchum application. She used Pesterchum Enamel, which was much shinier than all of the other Pesterchum versions. There were three people online today - John, Dave (who appeared to have pestered her yesterday about something), and the mysterious troll "carcinoGeneticist". Her trollslum was filled with random people who were constantly bothering her! But she wanted to deal with her chumroll, so she went in and clicked John. She greeted him but he didn't respond. The silly boy was probably gallivanting around the house in a state of barely restrained birthday mirth. He may also have been retrieving the two packages and two envelopes which she was certain had come in the mail for him earlier. She decided to wait a little while and see if he returned before she headed out.

She clicked on Dave's handle in the chumroll to see if he'd left her a sweet new rap. No, it didn't appear so, but she never knew with that crazy and cool guy. Sooooo cooooooool! She scrolled through his rant.

**turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **at 2009-04-12 - 23:14 **

**TG: hey**

**TG: oh**

**TG: youre asleep again arent you**

**TG: or do you even know if you are**

**TG: i still dont know how that works**

**TG: its like nothing means anything **

**TG: its so cool getting hella chumped by your coquettish damn riddles all the time**

**TG: i dont know why i believe anything you say im like the grand marshal of gross chumpage **

**TG: waving around my faggoty chumpductor baton**

**TG: assitant director of chumpography**

**TG: celebrated author ernest chumpingway **

**TG: wait weak**

**TG: chumpelstiltskin**

**TG: uh**

**TG: chumpeldipshit**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: youre asleep y/n?**

**TG: a/s/l?**

**TG: s = species**

**TG: baboon?**

**TG: kangaroo rat?**

**TG: if kangaroo rat yiff twice plz**

**TG: ok well youre not saying anything so i guess whether youre nonawake or unasleep or whatever youre just not around and im wasting good material**

**TG: even worse im wasting a killer fursona here**

**TG: like **

**TG: i dont know like a wide open v shaped leotard and a fuck ton of body paint**

**TG: some like sinewy back arching cirque du soleil looking motherfucker**

**TG: always low to the ground gettin a good prowl on**

**TG: like i dropped my keys in the dark**

**TG: nimblest son of a bitch who had the gumption to glue a nasty pair of latex cat lips to his face **

**TG: for a reason that wasnt a joke**

**TG: jade hey**

**TG: where are you**

**TG: seriously im sitting here tonight with a fucking bag of kibble jacked open on my lap and primed for goddamn bear**

**TG: and youre gone**

**TG: btw my name is Akwete Purrmusk **

**TG: hardest buttock in the jungle**

**TG: tempered steel**

**TG: hey yeah just wanted to give you this remix i finished**

**TG: here**

**turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **sent gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **file "explore 3" **

**TG: so yeah**

**TG: you dont have to respond to any of that btw**

**TG: ill probably forget half the shit i said anyway**

**TG: talk to you tomorrow**

Jade opened Freshjamz Media Player and added Dave's remix to the list. On her list now, she had Showtime Remix, Dave's remix of John's song Showtime; Aggrieve Remix, Dave's remix of John's song Aggrieve; the bassline for Verdancy, created by none other than the wonderful Jade herself; the full song, Potential Verdancy, created by Jade and remixed by Jade; Ohgodwhat and the Ohgodwhat Remix, both done by Jade; Rediscover Fusion, by Dave; Crystalanthemums, created by Dave and remixed by Jade; and the new Explore Remix, the original Explore having been created by Jade and then remixed by Dave. She listened to the new song and thought it perfect for that chapter at the end of Book 1 where WV went across the nation and John's Dad broke loose of his handcuffs and stuff. Ascension, right, that was what it had been called. And the letter from Nanna to John at the very end there would have gone well with the Ohgodwhat Remix. Jade decided to stop breaking the fourth wall again. Not… that it wasn't possible that she'd known about all that stuff anyway. But… whatever. Next chapter.


	18. Book 2 Chapter 2: TFOJF

Chapter 2: The Future of Jade's Friends

Speaking of chapters, Jade decided to open Echidna and check out the highly touted to see how the new Midnight Crew adventure was doing. She navigated to a random page in the middle of the latest update. What?

GT: Boggle vacantly at these shenanigans.

There was an image of a young boy with glasses, a wizard hat with yellow stars and moons on it, and a green ghost slime on his shirt, sitting on the grass outside his house. He stared into space. Next to him were a pogo ride, two captchalogue cards, and a toilet with cake in it.

It begins to dawn on you that everything you just did may have been a colossal waste of time.

It looked like Hussie had just been finishing up some sort of weird tangential intermission here. Whatever it was, it clearly had advanced the plot in no relevant way whatsoever.

Jade clicked "End Intermission", effectively ending the intermission. A red curtain covered the image on the screen. She then clicked "[S] Midnight Crew: Act 1031". In MSPA lore, [S] meant that the page would have sound. Ooh…

The word loading appeared on the bottom of the curtain and then the screen zoomed out to show the curtain surrounded by a gear and lots of machinery. A sun and a moon, both on sticks, shifted back and forth to the sides of the thing.

Suddenly, the screen finished loading and the cool flash animation began. The moon and sun switched positions; the sky went from a light blue to a dark purple; stars came out; the moon was suddenly illuminated.

The crescent moon grew and the curtain disappeared. In the sewer system of a city, four shadow-like men sat around a table. Each had a card in front of them. Their heist map sat in front of them, a hole in the center of it.

One of the men picked up the ace of diamonds and transformed it into what looked like a cue stick. Two words above him reintroduced him as the tall and thin Diamonds Droog, even though MSPA readers had already seen the name hundreds of times.

Another one of the men picked up the ace of clubs, transforming it into a chisel. The words above him reintroduced him as the dwarvish Clubs Deuce.

A third picked up the ace of hearts, transforming it into what looked like a radio antennae. Jade couldn't tell. He was reintroduced as the burly Hearts Boxcars.

And finally, their leader picked up the ace of spades, transforming it into a cane with a horse figurehead at the top. He was reintroduced as the normally-proportioned and clever Spades Slick.

A flashing image of the word Casino appeared, surrounded by the four suits and then a raging fire was implemented as six green creatures, each with a different number on their hats, appeared with the fire as their background. A fancy-looking text box appeared on the bottom, signifying that they were called The Felt.

The scene cut to a grayish room with what looked like a safe in the background. Having read Problem Sleuth, Hussie's previous comic, Jade wasn't so sure it was a safe. It might merely have been a painting of one. Slick hit a member of The Felt (it had a yellow hat with the number 1 on it) repeatedly with his horse cane. Deuce and the Felt member with a purple hat that said 4 on it shook back and forth, flipping out.

The scene cut once again to the flames and Felt number 15, with a burgundy-and-gray-striped hat, appeared dramatically.

It cut again to a warehouse of some sort. Diamonds Droog shot repeatedly at Felt number 2, with a blue hat, who was hiding behind a box. He had one gun in each hand for dual wielding and maximum kill points. Felt number 3, who had a burgundy-colored hat, snuck up behind Droog and the member of the Midnight Crew turned around. He switched to his melee weapon, the cue stick, and hit number 3 repeatedly with that. Number 2 got away in the process.

Then the scene cut to some absolute insanity as the Midnight Crew, The Felt, and what looked like characters from Problem Sleuth, danced around randomly.

Then it was all over. The words "Midnight Crew" appeared in a spade surrounded by blood. Jade had killed a little time, but there was still no sign of John.

**gardenGnostic [GG]** **began pestering ****turntechGodhead [TG]** **at 2009-04-13 - 12:36 **

**GG: hi dave!**

**TG: hey sup**

**GG: not much sup with you!**

**GG: bro! hehehe**

**TG: haha**

**TG: good one**

**TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes**

**GG: great! feeling cool today?**

**GG: mr cool guy?**

**TG: oh man you know it**

**GG: sooooo cooooooool!**

**TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here**

**TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you**

**GG: :D**

**GG: so have you talked to john today?**

**TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex**

**TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous**

**GG: lol**

**GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!**

**TG: what was it you use again...**

**TG: wait nm**

**TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john**

**GG: :)**

**GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet**

**GG: i think it did!**

**TG: yeah?**

**GG: and i think mine came too**

**TG: so uh**

**TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?**

**GG: no!**

**GG: he will not open it**

**GG: he will lose it!**

**TG: oh**

**TG: uh**

**TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?**

**GG: no its good actually!**

**GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it**

**GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!**

**TG: see like**

**TG: i never get how you know these things**

**GG: i dont know**

**GG: i just know that i know!**

**TG: hmm alright**

**GG: anyway i have to go!**

**GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking**

**TG: man**

**TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off**

**GG: heheheh!**

**GG: i dont think i could if i tried!**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok**

**GG: ._.**

**GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain**

**GG: it is usually...**

**GG: intense!**

**TG: well yeah isnt it always with family**

**TG: but he sounds like a total badass**

**GG: yeah he totally is!**

**GG: anyway gotta go!**

**TG: see ya**

**GG: 3**

It was time to strife. Dave was ready. It was now or never. Suddenly, his Bro appeared behind him and Dave turned. Bro Strider was holding his sword above his head and had one hand out towards Dave. Then Bro disappeared and Cal was in his place. Bro rushed back and forth in a black blur, pushing Cal's head down such that it appeared to be bobbing.

"Round 1!" Bro shouted, and Dave jumped in the air, did a flip, and lunged at Lil' Cal. Cal disappeared and reappeared behind him, so Dave turned and sliced at the puppet. The puppet jumped into the air and Dave missed yet again. Lil' Cal reappeared behind him, mouth moving up and down demonically as Bro rushed back and forth, and the foul creature kicked Dave in the face. Cal began to float around as Bro became more and more aggressive. Dave swung to the left and right, back and front, but every time he swung, Lil' Cal evaded him yet again. Finally, the puppet fell to the ground and Dave ran towards him. Just as he was about to slash through Lil' Cal, Bro moved him to the side and Dave missed.

The next five seconds were just Dave slashing around blindly as Cal seemed to appear and disappear everywhere, on all sides. Bro was certainly enjoying himself. And then he dropped Lil' Cal on Dave's face head. Dave staggered around a bit, but then slashed upwards. Bro pulled Lil' Cal away from the reach of Dave's katana. Cal knocked Dave over and as the boy was getting up, Bro stopped moving completely for dramatic effect and pushed Cal hard into Dave's face.

Dave fell again and the puppet leaped onto the prone boy. Lil' Cal proceeded to dance a ridiculous jig on Dave's body, kicking him with every foot movement. Bro was relentless. The assault continued on and on and on…

Oh, Rose was online. Jade turned her attention to the other girl.

**TT: I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information.**

**TT: Do you know where I can find a wellspring of this sort?**

**GG: hahaha yes ok but we cant talk for long!**

**TT: You have plans? **

**GG: well yes i do but its just that you will lose your internet connection soon!**

**GG: and we wont talk again for a pretty long time**

**GG: not until you enter!**

**TT: Enter?**

**GG: yeah!**

**TT: This is what I was talking about.**

**TT: This was the itch that needed scratching. **

**TT: My avarice for the inscrutable. It is limitless.**

**GG: lol what did you want to know?**

**TT: You've been insisting today was the big day.**

**TT: We would all play a game you didn't know the name of.**

**TT: A game you said I'd get in the mail, and did.**

**TT: One that would help me answer some questions.**

**TT: But Strider is being obtuse, I can't catch John at his computer, you don't even have the game yourself, and on top of all that, my internet is unstable.**

**TT: So are you sure today is the day?**

**GG: there sure are a lot of challenges but yes i am sure!**

**GG: dave is cool, you know he will come around when the time is right**

**GG: he just has a lot of work to do first**

**GG: and so do you! **

**GG: youll need to keep searching for a stable signal and power source, it will be hard but dont give up!**

**GG: and dont worry about me either, focus on playing with john first**

**GG: it all starts with you two!**

**TT: Is there nothing else you can say to prepare me for this?**

**TT: I'm sure you think little of blithely upsetting dark forces with Grandpa Moreau over there on Hellmurder Island, but honestly I've only read a few books on it.**

**GG: haha dark? thats ridiculous!**

**GG: i dont really know what to tell you other than its not going to be what you think it is**

**GG: and most importantly you will have your questions answered, but they will be the ones you havent thought to ask yet!**

**GG: just be patient and be brave youll see**

**GG: it will be fun!**

**GG: uh oh looks like youve got to go**

**GG: take care rose! 333**

**- ****tentacleTherapist [TT]** **ceased pestering ****gardenGnostic [GG]** **at 12:54 -**

Several hours in the future, Rose returned to the mausoleum. It appeared as though a secret passage had opened up. It was getting awfully toasty in the room. Rose gathered up all of her belongings, including her dead cat, and descended down the rungs to the secret passage. A hallway of dirt led to a greenish glow of light at the other end.

Jade had spent enough time concerning herself with the future of her friends. John would not be available until later, and by then, he would have his hands full, as would she.

She packed up her lunchtop and got ready to take care of some business downstairs. She descended the flight of steps to the room with the atom box, but try as she might, she couldn't stop her mind from drifting to the fate of her friends. She dwelled on a particular configuration of reminders on her finger. The blue string on her pinky. John Egbert.

Two crude ogres stood over John on his roof. The boy bounced his hammer back and forth to get a combo going, went super ghost slime saiyan, and leaped at the one on the right. The ogre punched John in the face with the Sassacre text and he bounced off of the other ogre's jester hat. He landed on his back and the ogre on the right hit him in the stomach with the Sassacre text. The ogre with the tire swing pulled the string back and then flung the tire at John, ensconcing him in its comfortable rubber. The crude ogre pulled back and smashed John against the ground multiple times. It proceeded to swing the tire swing over its head and let go, sending John sailing off the roof. Nannaquin caught him, however, and filled his health meter once more by feeding him ghostly cookies. The cycle of strife continued.

Also in the future, but years, not hours, under bare white branches a sentry awoke. A gray segmented worm thrust its way out through a hole in the SBURBan capsule and looked down at the Peregrine Mendicant. It extended its long, sinewy, metal body down to the ground where the homeless carapacian stood with her cart full of mailboxes. It looked at her but then turned its attention to the mailboxes. It began to chew on one. Nom nom nom… Angry, PM (Peregrine Mendicant) drew her sword.

==================================================================================  
[Z001] some stuff about captcha codes and punch card alchemy

is anyone actually reading any of this? or are they all dead. i don't know if  
anyone besides us is even alive and playing the game or if anybody even really  
cares what we have to say!

rose said i should add some stuff to this faq if anything occurred to me, so i  
guess i'm doing that. i figure at the very least it will be a good reference for  
just us to use. but dave probably won't read any of this because he's sort of this  
whopping stupid horse butt. whatever.

i finally figured out what those weird codes on the back of captchalogue cards are  
for. well maybe not what they're ALWAYS for, but a way that sburb has exploited  
them for an in-game purpose. every captcha'd item stamps the card with a unique  
code, and a gizmo in sburb called the punch designix will punch a unique pattern of  
holes in a card which is derived from that code. the punched card can then be used  
with other gizmos to duplicate the item and/or combine it with another item.

i got to thinking about this and with my amazing hacker skillz i noticed a trend.  
the hole pattern is based on a fairly simple cipher, converting the captcha code to  
binary and then the binary pattern is punched, where 1 is a punched hole, and 0 is  
an unpunched slot.

so, umm... here's the table just to be clear.

0-0, 1-1, 2-2, 3-3, 4-4, 5-5, 6-6, 7-7, 8-8, 9-9

A-10, B-11, C-12, D-13, E-14, F-15, G-16, H-17, I-18, J-19,  
K-20, L-21, M-22, N-23, O-24, P-25, Q-26, R-27, S-28, T-29,  
U-30, V-31, W-32, X-33, Y-34, Z-35

a-36, b-37, c-38, d-39, e-40, f-41, g-42, h-43, i-44, j-45,  
k-46, l-47, m-48, n-49, o-50, p-51, q-52, r-53, s-54, t-55,  
u-56, v-57, w-58, x-59, y-60, z-61

?-62, !-63

there are a couple oddball characters ! and ? at the end to bring it up to 63 (0  
thru 63 = 64 total, i.e. 6 bits). cause the binary representation of the captcha  
code chars are 6 bits each, which have a range of 0-63.

so for instance the captcha code for the hammer is "nZ7Un6BI". look up the index  
for 'n' first, which is 49. The binary of 49 is 110001. keep doing that for all the  
chars and you get:

n=110001 Z=100011 7=000111 U=011110  
n=110001 6=000110 B=001011 I=010010

OK... that's the pattern that will be punched on the card, BUT...

the bits are arranged top to bottom, left to right, in four columns, like this:

1 0 1 0  
1 0 1 0  
0 0 0 1  
0 1 0 0  
0 1 0 1  
1 1 1 1  
1 0 0 0  
0 1 0 1  
0 1 0 0  
0 1 1 0  
1 1 1 1  
1 0 0 0

or punched on a card.

so to combine two items you just overlap two punched cards. only the places where  
both cards have a hole will show through, so it's sort of like a bitwise AND  
operation on both cards. the new pattern gives you the code for the new item.

for instance combining the code for a hammer (nZ7Un6BI) and a pogo ride (DQMmJLeK)  
gives a new code with less holes obviously, which translates to 126GH4G. that hole  
pattern went on to make the pogo hammer, which is so rad you have no idea. i've  
also wondered if you can combine items in other ways, like a bitwise OR. that means  
combining the cards to get MORE holes, not less, i.e. the new pattern has a hole  
for every hole on either card. this pattern would be accomplished by DOUBLE  
PUNCHING A CARD! like, two codes, one card. i've got to try that some time.

but there are some mysterious things about all this. first of all, with all the  
hole slots, there are 48 bits in total, which means there are almost 300 trillion  
possible codes. and 300 trillion sounds huge! but when you consider it is supposed  
to account for ALL CONCEIVABLE ITEMS, including all the wacky combinations of  
stuff, it suddenly doesn't seem that big!

this leads me to believe that not every combination of item has a viable duplicate.  
but this is kinda obvious anyway, since there are many combinations of punch cards  
that will produce either a blank card (with AND) or a totally punched card (with  
OR). so there are lots of dud combinations out there, and many that will just lead  
to the same pattern. like for instance a gun and an atom bomb could make some sort  
of ULTIMATE DEATH RAY, but for that matter a shoe horn and a potted plant could  
lead to exactly the same pattern! so weird.

also it seems like combined items will always have patterns with either much fewer  
holes or much more holes than more "ordinary" items, which will occupy the vast  
meaty middle of all possible patterns. it is strange and counter intuitive that  
more complex objects have simpler patterns but hey, there you have it.

but all this sorta makes me guess this system can be cracked in some way. like if  
you have a complicated item and you want to "extract" simpler item components from  
it, there might be some algorithm for deriving the pattern you want, or at least  
narrowing down the possibilities. there might also be ways of charting through the  
simpler patterns on both ends of the bit spectrum, and pinning down the ones that  
will make cooler stuff. who knows.

i want to ask jade about this because she's really good at this sort of thing  
somehow even though she doesn't have my leet haxxor cred. too bad she makes herself  
so scarce all the time. jade if you ever read this let me know what you think!


	19. Book 2 Chapter 3: Skaianet Laboratory

Chapter 3: Skaianet Laboratory

A large sign hung above an exit door. It read "SN." The top part of the S was an atom and the bottom half was a SBURBan spirograph.

Rose entered through the exit door. She was in the laboratory. A greenish glow pervaded the entire area. She peered around for mad scientists, but there were none to be found, mad or otherwise. Or anyone for that matter. The lab appeared to be deserted. There was a kiosk though. It stood right next to her. It appeared as though the kiosk monitored the lab's enormous hubgrid. All around her, light and dark green hubs formed a checkerboard-like pattern. Indeed it was. 8 by 8 large squares, each large square made of 144 hubs. That made… Rose did a quick mental calculation. 9216 hubs all together.

Jade transportalized as far down as she could go in her Grandpa's mansion tower. The grand foyer was still a few floors down, but the Transportalizer on that level was blocked by one of her Grandpa's impressive big game trophies, and she just didn't think he would cotton to anyone moving it. Speaking of which, the floor Jade was on now contained some of his trophies. He had a million of the ghastly things. Jade really disliked them. I mean, come on, who wanted a taximerdied gryphon lying about their house? No one but her grandfather. Of course.

She hopped down a level. Her granddad also liked to accumulate valiant knights from his travels. They were pretty cool, she guessed. They were illuminated by the reddish glow of the adjoining rooms.

She kept going down. Oh yeah, how could she have forgotten about his stash of decrepit mummies. God she hated these things. They were illuminated by the pinkish glow of the adjoining rooms.

She walked down another flight of steps. This… this was her Grandpa's collection of what he referred to as his cerulean beauties. No lovely lady would be fit for his collection unless her portrait had spent at least twenty years bleaching in the front window of a beauty parlor, a type of establishment he'd plundered no less frequently than ancient tombs. Jade guessed they had sort of been like her sisters while she'd been growing up, and she'd always been encouraged to look up to them. They were all awfully pretty ladies, she supposed, but it was always hard to get as excited about them as Grandpa.

"Jade," he'd say, "study hard and keep your rifle at the ready. When adventure summons, I know you will rise to the task and take your rightful place among the daughters of eclectica." The old coot sure was a bag of wind! Suffice to say, this floor was illuminated by a cerulean glow from the adjoining rooms.

Jade walked down the last flight of steps. See, this was the stupid thing that had been blocking the Transportalizer. It was a large white-and-green monster creature snake thing, with so large a tail, the thing went down one of the passageways and into some old study that no one had ever been in anyway. It looked retardedly up towards the ceiling, an expression of wonder and curiosity upon its bulbous face. It was unspeakably hideous.

Down the southeast hall was the grand foyer. She'd have to cross it to leave the house. Wait. It looked like someone was pestering her. Even though… she'd logged off? She was pretty sure she had. She set the lunchtop down and opened it up. Oh god. This guy.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **at 13:04 **

**CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.**

**GG: oh nooooooo**

**CG: SO I GUESS TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP.**

**GG: :O**

**CG: IS THERE NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?**

**GG: you can leave me alone!**

**GG: how can you even be talking to me after i blocked you...**

**GG: AND after i logged out?**

**CG: YOU DON'T GET THAT I AM BETTER AND SMARTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY, FOREVER.**

**CG: YOU DON'T GET THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STUPID.**

**GG: i get that youre a jerk and you should shut up!**

**GG: goodbye you jerk!**

**gardenGnostic [GG]** **blocked ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **at 13:06**

Rose peered at the kiosk. It appeared to be a mapping of each hub's index. One of the hubs had recently been unlocked. It was labeled "SN_LAB0413".

At the center of the hubgrid was a little stage that looked perfect for supporting a spectacularly silly dance. Or it would have if standing on it hadn't made her a little nervous, and also if it hadn't sounded like a retarded idea given the circumstances. It looked a little like the various contraption she'd been deploying in John's house. She wondered what it did. A little triangley fractal was drawn on it.

Rose took her laptop out of her sylladex, expelling everything in the process. Jaspers landed on the stage and disappeared. Great, she'd just vaporized her dead cat. Oh well. Ashes to ashes, she figured. There had to be a better way to deal with this lousy tree.

She looked at the back of the fetch modus. Ah, it looked like she could choose between picking leaves or awkwardly uprooting the whole tree. She'd been stuck on the latter. She selected the leaf option and turned off auto-balance because its consequences could be a little mystifying at times.

Rose gathered up all her belongings again in a way that placed her laptop in a conveniently accessible leaf. She wasn't sure why she hadn't done this whole thing a little sooner. It was kind of a funny looking tree now, but her concern for structural elegance was at an all-time low.

As long as she was going to plug in her computer, she walked along the hubs to the unlocked one and drew it out. She suspected that this had been the same unsecured signal she'd been using earlier. She plucked the laptop from her tree and plugged it into the hub 413. She then proceeded to captchalogue first the hub, then the laptop again. There had to be a better place around here to set up her computer. This huge grid of electronics was sort of uninviting. She looked around. Hey, what was that?

There was a metal plaque on the wall with the words: "SKAIANET LABORATORY. UNESTABLISHED IN:" and then there was another one of those ominous countdowns, counting down from 3 minutes and 14 seconds. Rose hadn't noticed it when she'd first entered the lab about a minute before. There were many zeroes on the countdown, indicating that perhaps this countdown had been ticking down for years. Whatever it was ticking down to, there wasn't much time left. She could only hope that when she turned her computer on again, there would be a connection invitation from Mr. Strider.

Again in the future, another timer wound down, sideways.

The head of a wormish sentry lay severed on the desert ground. Beside it, an empty cart. The lid to the SBURBan capsule was open.

Inside, PM stood atop a pile of mailboxes, looking at the keyboard to the console with the timer on it. She had meant to do something, but it was too late now. The timer had reached zero. The keyboard froze up.

Four sentries appeared, including the broken one, and hefted the capsule upright. It was go time. The rocket shot up into the air, PM and the mailboxes shaking like mad. They rose into the sky, moving to the west.

Cal kicked Dave in the face over and over and over again. He had to abscond. There was nothing else to do.

"Can't abscond, bro!" Bro Strider said, appearing beside him. He gave Dave the thumbs down. Dave held a puppet face in front of him and jerked his thumb to the side. "Round two," Bro yelled.

Dave lunged at Bro and their swords met with a clang. He fell back and jumped over Bro, slashing away from the other boy. Bro shifted to the area that Dave was slashing in and their swords met again. Bro pushed Dave away from him and Dave went flying across the roof.

Bro rematerialized in the area that Dave was about to land in and kicked Dave upward. In mid-air, Bro reappeared and slashed at Dave, but Dave completely fell before his brother could hit him.

They stared at each other through their shades, concentration on their faces. Then they leaped straight into the air and continued to slash at each other as they rose and fell. They managed to stay in the air for a good minute, Dave pushing up off of Bro and Bro re-appearing above where he'd been. And then Bro kicked Dave to the ground.

They both landed and Dave jumped at Bro. Bro shifted to behind Dave. Dave spun and lashed out at the boy again, but Bro had once again shifted. He turned again and slashed, then again, and each time they sped up until eventually, they were both complete blurs. A shadow appeared behind this spectacle and, when Dave turned and saw Bro nowhere, the shadow version of his Bro grabbed him and tossed him westward.

Bro rematerialized westward and knocked Dave upward and eastward. Eventually, as Dave began to land, Bro knocked him westward again with Lil' Cal and Dave slid across the floor to the open roof door. His momentum carried him through and he fell down the stairs.

I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO! I TOLD YOU DOG!

IT KEEPS HAPPENING! What does? Rose didn't have time to humor every random thought that popped into her head. The clock was ticking.

Across from her, on the other side of the hubgrid was a map of some sort, along with a console and two other screens. She crossed the hubgrid and got a closer look. Boy this looked complicated. There were, in fact, _twelve_ other screens. Granted, five of them were just of spirographs, but still! One had an image of Earth, another an image of what looked like eight circles arranged in a larger circle and floating around another circle. It was like the one in WV's capsule, but Rose didn't know this. A third was a blue screen with a lot of writing. It was at the top of the console, about five Rose's tall, so she couldn't quite see what it said. The other four had coordinates on them. Two had white writing and the other two had different-colored writing.

And, of, course, the thirteenth screen, the one in the center of them all, was the map. It was of Northeastern US and Southeastern Canada, but there was no boundary between the countries. The entire map was a collage of colored dots. A meter at the top was a Time vs. Impact meter. Rose logically concluded that the colored dots on the map represented meteor impact sites. It seemed each SBURB game session corresponded with a meteor, but that not all meteors were the result of a session.

The color of the dots appeared to indicate the status of the meteor's descent. The red dots indicated meteors that had already landed; yellow dots were imminent collisions; green would impact later; blue would take a while to touch down.

Rose used the panel to find her present location and zoom in. Surrounding the lab were of course the hundreds of smaller meteors that had been raining down steadily throughout the evening. Most had already landed or would shortly. As she watched, some of the yellow dots turned red.

Centered over the lab was a significantly larger imminent collision. Rose couldn't say precisely how imminent, but she could certainly take an educated stab at it. Just southwest of the lab, centered suspiciously near the location of her house, was an even larger looming collision. Though that one appeared slightly less imminent.

The terminal looked like it could monitor any meteor or session around the world. Search filters could be applied as well, restricting results based on size, time of impact, location… etc. Rose zoomed way out and narrowed the search based on size. The two impacts at the top of the list appeared to be the biggest by far. She examined only their coordinates.

The second biggest was centered over a US city, somewhere in Texas. The second biggest was indicated by a dark blue circle, thankfully, and luckily for the Earth, she supposed, it was way out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. But still… the circle was bigger than Australia!

Finally, Rose removed her computer and hub from her sylladex and plugged her device back in. It was now powered and connected to the wireless signal the hub was broadcasting. Her SBURB session reconnected.

There was no sign of John here. She wondered why the house was shaking. Last time she'd seen him he'd been on one of those roof platforms. She'd have to navigate via the SBURB interface to find him.

She went up from the living room to the upstairs hallway and zoomed out to the balcony. She shifted to the left and zoomed into a window. She moved up to the lower roof and then up again to the upper platform.

John jumped onto the imp on the right and threw his pogo hammer back and forth onto its face. The other crude ogre almost hit John with the tire swing, but Nannaquin shot a strong burst of light at it and it slowly lost life. Rose dropped the fridge on the one John was hitting, but it caught it and used it to smash John away from it. Nannasprite caught him in the oven and sent him flying out. He hit the ogre with the tire swing with a loud "BOING!" Nannaquin materialized next to the one with the Sassacre text and hit it with a bombardment of household appliances.

John leaped into the air, landed on the Alchemiter (which Rose was holding in the air), and bounced the other way. He hit the one being bombarded with the household appliances and killed it, a boatload of grist flying all over the place. The other one began to swing its tire swing, but Nannaquin opened the oven and sent a whole bunch of ghostly cookies flying at it. John hit it repeatedly and Rose dropped the Alchemiter on it, depleting its last reserves of life. More grist flew everywhere. John did a silly dance on the roof.

He highfived Nannaquin, figuring he'd left her hanging long enough. His PDA went off.

**TT: Good work, John!**

**EB: oh, hey!**

**EB: you're back.**

**TT: For now. I'll have to leave again shortly.**

**TT: It looks like there's another large meteor headed for...**

**TT: My present location.**

**EB: oh, so you mean dave connected with you?**

**TT: Not yet.**

**TT: I'll explain later.**

**TT: But I think I've determined that activating the timer in the game is not directly responsible for summoning a meteor to your location.**

**TT: The countdown seems merely to exist as a kind of warning to the player.**

**TT: As well as a strange coincidence.**

**EB: um, ok.**

**EB: i don't really think i get it.**

**EB: is this relevant?**

**TT: Probably not at the moment. And certainly not to you.**

**TT: I have to go.**

**EB: ok, later!**

**TT: P.S. Try not to waste too much of that grist while I'm gone.**

John rocketed up the echeladder to the dizzying heights of the vaunted Boy-Skylark rung. The new green feather was hard earned and well deserved. And surprisingly fashionable.

He decided to collect the phat lewtz of Boy-Skylarkitude. He and his ceramic pork hollow rejoiced in the mound of wealth yielded from his meteoric ascent up the ladder. He was still not sure what all these boondollars could actually get him. But when he was pulling in such insane loot hand over fist like this, who cared? Certainly not John.

His expanded cache limit was more than enough to accommodate the grist windfall. He gathered up to 2260 pieces of build grist, 1040 pieces of shale, 490 drops of tar, and 350 drops of mercury. He couldn't wait to find out what kind of amazing items this new supply of grist would be just barely insufficient to produce.

John peered over the side of the platform. Oh god, there was grist littered down there on the other part of the roof too! Those stupid ogres had been like huge grist pinatas. One of those big sour grape electric holocaust fruit gushers was jammed into the hole in the roof. He guessed there was only one way to get it. He was about to climb down the ladder to the platform when Nannaquin stopped him.

"John, don't forget your book!" she said. "It is your birthright! You ought to give it a read when you have a moment. Particularly the first several pages."

"Ok nanna, I will," he said. He turned around to leave but stopped suddenly. "Oh, wait. Nanna?"

"Yes, dear?" she asked.

"Since I'm trying to get up to that gate, and since you can sort of conjure floating beds and throw me around and all… couldn't you just throw me up to the gate?"

"Yes, of course, John," Nannasprite replied, "but that would not serve your purpose well! There is a very good reason why you should build up to it. And then keep building!"

"Oh, okay, I guess that's what I figured," he said, a bit dejectedly. "So just one more thing. Do you think that instead of telling me exactly why that is with a clear explanation, you can give me a series of really coy riddles about it and then sort of giggle?"

"John, you are a very fresh young man!" she said with a laugh. "Your father has done a wonderful job raising you. I am so proud of you both."

"Ha ha," John laughed. "I guess."

"When you pass through the first gate," Nanna said seriously, "everything will change. You will find the place where the constellations dance beneath the clouds. And then your true work may begin. Hoo hoo hoo!"

"I suddenly understand everything!" John exclaimed sarcastically.

Elsewhere, there was a place where a kingdom lay entrenched beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness. John's Dad sprayed an imp with copious amounts of shaving cream while another sat with a cake in its face. He punched a third one hard and the poor imp flew over a railing and sailed into the darkness.

A dark, shadowy man in a jester outfit watched the screen as all of this unfolded. On another screen, John danced a silly dance as large pieces of grist floating around him.

"Graveyard stuffers," the man in the jester suit growled.


	20. Book 2 Chapter 4: John's Dad

Chapter 4: John's Dad

The Peregrine Mendicant stood in her peculiar mobile station that was traveling due west. She had no sense of her present bearings. The door outside was blocked by a metal column that had extended through the entry shaft before liftoff.

Gasp. There was an envelope in one of her mailboxes! It was addressed to a certain Dr. David Brinner. The subject label said "ATTN: SERIOUS BUSINESS." The address was mostly scratched out. This envelope looked pretty serious to PM. She wondered if she could just open the…

Never! The mail was sacred, and sacred was the trust between the Post Man and the recipient of his precious parcels. She had made a solemn pledge to deliver this letter to the doctor, just as soon as she determined where this address was, or find _any_ sort of discernible mailing address in this wasteland, for that matter. The mail was freedom. The mail was life. The mail was the very fabric of civiliz… Wait. Hold that thought for a moment.

PM reached into another one of the mailboxes and retrieved the a postman's hat. Upon its scratched and dirty surface was the image of an eagle. A yellow, bold eagle. She placed it upon her head.

The mail was the one final hope for resurrecting a dead planet from its ashes, and the letter carriers were the brave soldiers of god in this righteous crusade. They were the defenders of the light of knowledge, free communication, and the exchange of ideas. They were the bold toters of all those little papery conduits of freedom, the white postmarked angels that whispered a message upon their delivery, a promise to the yearning: "There is hope yet." Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection. MAIL.

She looked at her keyboard and screen. It was the terminal she'd used to activate the station's homing mechanism. It appeared as though it had returned control to her. The default viewport displayed only commands previously entered, including her last and only command "⇒ HOME".

PM typed "⇒ VIEW" and the bottom right screen switched on. There was a view of a young girl standing alone somewhere. She held a gun in her hand. Except… there was a heavy amount of video interference of some sort. It was green and odd. Not like the black, gray, and white of a TV screen. The girl seemed familiar to her.

_Greetings. _She typed. _Don't I know you? _The girl assumed a puzzled expression and looked around. The video interference got stronger and suddenly, the entire console was covered in lightning. As PM watched, the yellow light grew and exploded a hole in the side of her capsule.

SKAIANET LABORATORY. UNESTABLISHED IN: 1: 43.

Rose refused to acknowledge the absurd tea set next to the 14-screened console and succeeded because it was stupid and shouldn't have been in a place like this. She probed further into the lab.

Further in, the tea set continued into what appeared to be a little girl's room. This struck Rose as a bit odd. No time for messing around in here though. Okay, maybe she'd mess around a little bit. _Wear the scarf. Be the rider._ She picked up the scarf on the floor and envisioned herself riding Maplehoof around the… AUGH! WHAT'S THAT THING?

A friendly mutant black kitten climbed out of a teapot on the table. It accosted her ferociously (in a cute way, of course).

John resisted the great urge to take the wedged shale. He knew he should grab the thing, but… he was suddenly feeling apprehensive about entering his father's room. With all that scampering around it had almost slipped his mind how much he hated his Dad's hideous clowns.

But there was no use putting it off any longer. There was only one thing left to do. Give me a "D!" Give me an "E!" Give me an "S!" Give me a "C!" Give me a "E!" Give me a… Oh, just jump already. He leaped into the room below, gaining +50 shale.

9 dark gray candles flickered manically around the picture of Jade on the mantle. In the picture, she wore a yellow shirt with a moon on it. The mantle rested over a yellow-and-purple fireplace, behind which strange creatures had been painted on the walls.

Jade performed a lass scamper into the grand foyer with wild abandon and smacked into something. She didn't know why he always insisted on keeping it so dark in here. Oh look, it was one of his dumb globes. They made it awfully difficult to navigate the foyer. We get it, granddad! You like to travel around the world going on adventures and stuff! Lousy goddamn stupid globes.

Grandpa would certainly have stern words for her if he caught her without her trusty rifle at the ready. That was just what he needed, another one of his blustering mustachioed diatribes. She was rolling her eyes in advance, getting them warmed up. But ideally, she could evade him altogether. All she had to do was get past the fireplace and out the front door, and she'd be scot-free.

She looked at the chaps on the sofas. They were the manor's four distinguished houseguests. They liked to gather there by the fireplace for tea time. As well as pretty much all other times. It was all very mannerly and civilized. She peeked around the corner of the sofa, knowing full well what would happen when she tried to sneak by. The fireplace would light up and her Grandpa's silhouette would appear in front of the fire to give her a good spook. He was so predictable.

She took a step out from behind the sofa and…

and there he goes

the old man….

HASS the flame

She supposed she could still sneak by the crafty old man if she was fast enough. Avoiding an encounter would be ideal. Encounters with him were usually….. intense.

She attempted to leap dramatically across the divide, but she fell halfway across in a fit of sudden narcolepsy. Whoops. She guessed an encounter with him was almost certain now. But most likely not for a while. It was time to see what someone else was up to. Perhaps… John? No, not yet. What about… Dave.

Dave stood on the… AW SNAP! PSYCHEOUT!

Jade stood up.

**STRIFE!**

Jade faced her dead Grandpa, who stood on a platform with a plaque on it indicating that he was "Grandpa Harley" and shot around randomly with her gun for the next two minutes. Her grandfather's odd safari hat flew off.

"YES I am going out with this gun! No T will not go get a bigger one! No I will not take yours! I can't even lift it! Oh, that is so preposterous. Do you even hear what you're saying? I will be fine! This is a perfectly deadly gun and it shoots lots of incredibly deadly bullets! Oh, will you just stop it? I am going now. Goodbye!"

3!

Jade absconded, leaving the house. Good god, the old safari-hatted coot had been easier to deal with when he'd been alive!

PM had miraculously survived the explosion! She crawled over and peered out the explosion hole. Below her was a world of mountains and crags. Her mailboxes fell from the capsule to the wasteland below. An arm extended form a blue portal in the side of one of the mountains, but PM didn't notice. She was so distraught over her falling mailboxes.

One of the wormish sentries extended from the capsule, grabbed a falling mailbox in its mouth, and brought it back up to the mendicant. It was the one with the letter to Dr. Brinner in it.

She took it back and looked at the sentry happily and it looked at her back like an obedient dog.

Rose tried to refuse to acknowledge the absurd kitten but failed miserably and picked up the cute little thing. Oh look, more mad science crap. It looked a bit like an arcade game console.

She stepped up to it. Whatever it was, it wasn't an arcade game any more. There was still a slot for coins, but she doubted that it did anything. She'd left all her coins on the fridge so she couldn't test the coin slot.

"I want to play a game, Rowse. I want to play a game," she whispered, echoing Bro Strider's comic. Even though she hadn't read it.

Except the console didn't appear to have a game to play on it any more. It seemed to be an Appearifier. At least, according to the words "Appearifier ready" in the bottom left corner, it was. The image on the screen was the triangley fractal she'd seen on the platform.

She messed around with the controls… Hey, Jaspers was alive! There he was on the screen. Or, at least, he had been in the past. According to the time stamp this had been almost nine years ago. She tried to move the crosshairs with the joystick, but they were permanently locked on the cat. She might have been able to unlock it, but she clearly didn't have much time to horse around with this thing. She did, however, zoom out.

It appeared as though she and Jaspers had been having one of their sessions. She hadn't been making much progress, however, because Jaspers was no doubt being characteristically recalcitrant. Young Rose held her notebook in her hand, possibly having written that same phrase. Older Rose wasn't sure, however. She didn't remember. Wait. Was this that day?

She attempted to appearify Jaspers, but that would clearly have caused a paradox, because she could plainly see that he hadn't told her his secret yet. It seemed as though the machine had a safety mechanism to prevent such irresponsible appearification practices. A paradox ghost imprint of Jaspers was appearified instead, quickly settling into a mound of green sludge.

The machine beside it sucked up the paradox sludge and began some kind of automated procedure. The letters A, C, T, and G appeared on a screen in an apparently random order. Jasper's DNA? The mutant kitty rolled around on the pink scarf she was wearing.

Finally, the device produced a fetal paradox clone of Jaspers. The wretched creature exhibited a number of unfortunate mutations though. The good news was that it would be mercifully unestablished along with this entire facility shortly. This was also the bad news. Whoever had been operating this machine in the past may have been making unsuccessful attempts to perfect the science of ectobiology.

Rose decided to have a flashback. Except, conveniently, she could watch what happened back then right here on the monitor! She rolled the clock forward a few seconds. Jaspers revealed his stunning secret to young Rose in strict confidence.

Before she could ask him to clarify, however, he vanished into thin air. She now believed she understood why. However, present Rose had not been the one to appearify him from this moment. Her hand had been nowhere near the controls just now. A couple of weeks after he'd vanished, his body had washed up along the riverbank. His suit had been a mess. Her Mom had fitted him with a new one just before the absurd funeral service the woman had insisted upon.

She rolled the clock forward to a week after he'd vanished. It seemed there had not been any accessible video feed during that time frame. She fast-forwarded another week and there he was, just where she'd found him, floating down the river, dead as a doornail.

She then fast-forwarded through everything that had happened after that. Young Rose discovered him on the riverbank, picked him up and brought him in to her Mom. Her Mom had him fitted in a new suit and placed in a specially designed coffin for cats. In the mausoleum, the flowers atop the coffin slowly withered away. Rose from a few hours ago knocked the coffin off the pedestal and placed her computer in its place. The generator stopped working. Facepalm. She grabbed Jaspers and descended the ladder to the Lab. She walked to the center of the room, dumped the cat onto the stage, and he disappeared. He reappeared in a mysterious gray room.

It was Jaspers! He was still alive! Well, ok, he was dead. But he was still intact. It turned out that the stage hadn't been some kind of Disintegratificator like she had thought. It was more like… an Escapilizer. She reappearified Jaspers. She had everything sorted out now. And a good thing too, because she only had ten seconds to spare. It was time to stash the dead cat and amscray.

She rushed to the center of the room, leaped onto the Escapilizer, and performed a pretty decent escapilization along with Jaspers, all her items, and the mutated cat.

Jade walked down a hole slowly, hands in pockets. She would have tried to find the silly devilbeast she called a pet, but he would come to her in time. That is, if he wanted to be found at all. But of course he did. He was probably very hungry.

Becquerel had always managed to elude her prognosticative faculties. He was completely invisible to her intuition somehow, a property almost totally unique to him. It had used to freak her out a bit, but she had long since grown accustomed to it.

A dark green cloud accumulated behind her. Huh? Oh, it was nothing. Nothing at all. Moving right along.

The birthday package she'd been expecting from John had arrived three months late. And yet, right on time. It had landed over there in the crumbling monument, a satellite to the great mystic ruins at the center of the crater lagoon. Now the question was how to get there.

John did a triple-somersault into the room, etc. and stuck to the landing. He was now in his Dad's room. Hmm… where were all the clowns? The room was pretty much gray and boring. He spotted his Dad's briefcase beside him. It probably contained all sorts of clues, or at least various forms and paperwork critical to his trade as a hilarious street performer.

He peered at one of the pieces of paper. Ah yeah, here came the secrets. Get ready for some major revela… Wait a minute. These were just boring business documents and spreadsheets. What the hell was going on here?

John looked around the room. Two fedoras on the hat rack… three pairs of shoes lined up in a row. KIND OF A BORING ROOM. All around him were boring black business shoes. A drop of sweat dripped down his head. The papers in his briefcase had nothing to do with clowns. JUST A BUSINESSMAN. He covered his ears. His Dad had a picture of a pipe on the wall. So they weren't just for hilarious antics. They were real, genuine businessman-like pipes. NOT THAT INTO CLOWNS HE GUESSED. MOST SHOCKING TWIST YET. There was a picture of Harry Anderson and his card tricks on the wall. That was perhaps the most hilarious thing in his Dad's room. Beneath the picture of Harry was a picture of John and a deck of cards on a dresser. On another wall was a picture of some guy. WHO WAS THIS DOUCHEBAG!? A fedora rug on the ground. Ties hung from hooks on a rack. A box of Betty Crocker cake mix.

John assumed a fetal position on the bed and rocked back and forth, traumatized. All those years, while he'd believed his Dad to be out busking up the corners with his hilarious antics, his old man had just been working as an ordinary business-person all along. He had just been a man trying to earn an honest living for himself and his son. Maybe he'd been too embarrassed to tell John the truth? Or maybe it had been because John had never bothered to ask. Now that he thought about it, he realized he had always just assumed…

John's Dad held a safe over his head, threatening to crush a shale imp with it. He'd broken out of his jail cell yet again. Attempts to block the cell door with heavy objects had proven futile. Dad tossed the safe at the imp, knocking it over the railing. The safe flew across a gap and smashed into the adjacent purple tower. Everything was purple as far as the eye could see except for the inhabitants, which were all black and shadowy.

The man in the jester suit stood in front of his screen, watching this drama unfold. He was going to need a bigger safe. Who was this guy anyway? What was he doing with the imprint of a black spade on his clothes?

A pair of orange hands - actual human hands, unlike most of the Homestuck characters so far - typed "SPADES SLICK" into their keyboard.

Hmm… Spades Slick? It had a nice ring to it. But the man in the jester suit knew his own name. And that damn well wasn't his name.

The orange hands decided to take another stab at the naming. "State name and rank." Or… not. That worked too.

The man in the jester suit nodded reluctantly. "Archagent Jack Noir," he said with a snarl. He oversaw various affairs of a dark kingdom. Presently, he was determining how to deal with this prisoner, who had been a thorn in Jack's side since he'd been apprehended. He viewed the affairs of the kingdom through a series of fenestrated walls. He had three of them, nearly enough to form a cubicle of vigilance, which was a full and proper enclosure for an agent of his stature. The screens had multiple facets to them and little tubes running along the sides, similar to the thing that had been built by Grandpa Harley.

Much to Jack Noir's utter contempt, his fourth wall had been stolen some time ago by a mysterious old man in a safari hat.

On the floor in Jack's cubicle was a frivolous headdress that turned his stomach. He'd sooner have stuck his head in a furnace than coaxed it into this monstrosity's loathsome colorful maw. It was bad enough that his exalted ruler had ordered everyone to drape themselves in these hideous jester rags the moment the troublesome human with the pipe and his child had showed up. But he drew the line at the hat.

Jack decided to call a minion. He ordered one of his burliest agents to the scene, a man with a heart imprinted upon his jester robes. This agent brought something far heavier this time. It was some kind of giant wheel. Jack watched as the agent walked to where the boy's father stood…

Suddenly, the transmission was interrupted. A scratched but watchful eye observed him fiercely. A shadowy finger, upon which a ring sat, pointed at the frivolous hat. It seemed as though Jack's glorious monarch had some concerns about his wardrobe.

Ugh… fine. He begrudgingly donned the comical hat. Stupid lousy _just and wise_ ruler. What a royal pain in the ass. He fully intended to through the headdress down in disgust as soon as his superior stopped breathing down his neck for a second. Wait… what now?

Jack watched in silent shock as his burly agent, caught in a headlock, received a good drubbing from the prisoner. How could it even have gotten to this point?

Jack's blood was boiling so hot he could have cooked an egg on his carapace right then and there. It looked like he'd have to go handle this himself.


	21. Book 2 Chapter 5: Bec and the Bot

Chapter 5: Bec and the Bot

John investigated the room for anything his Dad may have left behind. Ooh… it seemed as though there were some unopened birthday presents his Dad hadn't given him yet.

It was present time! He opened the gift on the right. This looked promising. Oh god yes. It was a Fetch Modus Control Deck™ , the ultimate inventory management system! He tore into the box and put a mean peep on the sw33tl00t! In addition to the modus control deck, which had six slots for multiple-fetch-modi-wielding-at-the-same-time, he got a bonus array fetch modus and another twelve cards, which were practically worthless at this point, but hey he'd take 'em.

The first thing he did was flush the extra cards into his deck, leaving him with 24. Ok, really? This just way too many of the things.

The next thing he did was to switch to the array fetch modus. It allowed him to store and retrieve any item from any card at any time. It seemed exceptionally serviceable, albeit difficult to weaponize. And BOOOOOOOORING.

He looked around for perhaps a set of instructions for the control deck, but there were none to be found. It didn't matter anyway. He would just pop some modus cartridges in the slots, fire it up, and see what happened. He started by putting the stack and queue modi in the slots. His sylladex now behaved like a stack and a queue. Items could be removed from both the top and bottom cards.  
He saw no reason at all not to jam the array modus in there too. He made sure to blow out all the dust first, of course. The sylladex reconfigured itself into an array of four distinct queuestacks of six cards each. Yup. This was just the sort of needless complexity he'd come to expect from his inventory management system.

John turned his attention to the other presents. He had a staunch policy of always saving the biggest present for last. Always! So he opened the smaller present first. Inside was a box of delicious fruit gushers. Could the day have gotten any better? John didn't think so. He opened the bigger one. Inside was his own businessman suit. He had thought wrong. Now he could look distinguished with his complicated modus arrangement and fruit gushers.

John filled up one of his queuestacks with six pairs of shoes. Ok, awesome. Queuestack full'a shoes. He proceeded to captchalogue the fruit gushers. A pair of shoes flew out of his sylladex and bonked him in the back of the head. Dang. He'd spaced out and put the gushers in the wrong queuestack. But he wasn't worried. He'd get of the hang of this thing. Eventually.

He took the fruit gushers out and recaptchalogued the black shoes. He examined the box dreamily. So delicious. He couldn't wait to captchalogue one of these packs and make like a million gushers. Screw all of this building nonsense. He'd rather make candy.

Wait a minute… massive tropical brain hemorrhage? Was that even a legitimate flavor? That sounded off. Who made these things anyway? He looked at the top-left corner of the box. No. It… it couldn't be…

Betty Crocker?! The heinous batterwitch had her gnarled claws in everything. What did fruit gushers have to do with baked goods anyway? Why did this even make sense? Why?

_**WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?**_

Cool fructose monsoon? Wild cherry apeshit apocalypse? What even where these flavors anyway?! Ranch dressing rampage? KIWI MANGO COLONIC RUSH!? MIXED BERRY SOCIAL DISORDER? WICKED! WATERMELON! GROIN! INJURY! JAMMIN' SOUR DIABETIC COMA! Neon green ecto-facial blast? M. BETTY CROCKER! WHAT THE HELL! MAGIC!

John held the box and shook sporadically and in random directions. This was definitely something to have a mental breakdown about. But seriously? THIS IS STUPID!

Jade walked towards the blue package casually. Suddenly, a white creature appeared out of nowhere, energy crackling all around it. It looked like… the dog silhouette from that pumpkin that had been in Jade's tower garden but had been appearified to WV's capsule.

Jade pointed her gun at the thing and prepared to Arraign. She aimed the rifle at its head and shot. Energy crackled around her. Lightning and green stuff flew in all directions. Reality flickered away for periods at a time. The bullet melted through the dog's head.

Ar...senalize. Jade shot at the dog, a fierce look of concentration upon her face, but it flickered into a green-and-yellow shifting silhouette. And then Jade and the dog were transported onto the bullet. It flew across the lake and they landed on a mini lump of land on the other side.

Jade ar...tillerated the dog, but just as the bullet reached the thing's head, the creature shifted them into some kind of outer space thing. As they traveled through outer space, they sped up and eventually reached the Milky Way again. They fell through the sky and finally landed back on the island, on top of one of the frog temples.

She ar...mamentified, but the bullet went right through the dog. They were transported through various random places, including Skaianet Laboratory, which hadn't been destroyed yet. Remember, reader, it's still the past (in terms of say, John and Rose).

Finally, they ended up where they had started, the dog crackling with green and yellow energy. Jade ar…fed? No, she didn't arf. The dog arfed. Jade ran to its side and shot a bullet into the distance. The dog teleported to its destination, slowed the bullet down considerably, and picked the thing up in its mouth as it passed. The dog returned and dropped the bullet next to Jade. In the meantime, Jade had picked up the birthday package.

When the dog returned to her, Jade tossed him the steak, which he gulped up quickly, and did a quick dance. Both of them participated in the shenanigan.

"Good dog!" she exclaimed, and gave Becquerel a hug. They continued to dance until Jade suddenly fell asleep. Bec tossed her onto his back and teleported her to her bed, where he dropped her onto the mattress and pulled the sheets over her. He then teleported away.

Rose checked herself for any possible mixed atoms with the mutated cat. Nope, no mixed atoms. It looked like she and her new little kitty had kept their genes to themselves. Her new little kitty whose name was… never mind. She'd think of one later. Hey, where the heck was she anyway? The floor was gray, but the room was permeated by a reddish glow. Oh, she was back home. The well-stocked bar and the Vantas… she meant vantage. What was Vantas? She had no idea. Anyway, the vantage from the window was a dead giveaway that this was her Mom's room. Or at least what Rose had thought had been the lady's room. It clearly wasn't because there was no bed or anything. She decided to not be particularly melodramatic about this revelation.

She looked out the window. Huh… that was funny. The lab was still in one piece. Shouldn't the place have been unestablished by now? The downpour of smaller meteors had stopped…

Oh god, there it was! Rose ducked as shrapnel from the impact broke through the window, grabbing the kitty at the same time. She had to get out of there. The room was a powder keg what with all the booze lying around. The whole room was on fire.

Suddenly, John was feeling very businessman-like for some reason. He'd just punched a shitload of cards in anticipation of making a whole lot of cool stuff. This time he hadn't foolishly destroyed any items. He'd just looked at the codes for some objects he'd rounded up, and punched them on blank cards.

He wondered how much alchemizing he could get away with before Rose got back. As if she had any right to tell him what to do with his hard-earned grist. He was the one running around here putting his ass on the line. All she had got to do was mess around with her computer. Anyway, he had to hurry.

Jade lay in bed and began to dream. One flight of steps down from where she lay, the box with the atom logo on it began to shake. Suddenly, the door popped open and a robot with the same proportions as Jade appeared. It had huge red eyes. Jade's dreambot was now active and awake. She looked around the room in her dream. She was wearing a yellow shirt with a moon on it and bright yellow rays shone through her windows on either side. The walls had fancy pink wallpaper upon them. The dreambot stood in Jade's room with white floors and a Squiddles poster on the wall.

Dream Jade decided to obliquely foreshadow the future through interpretive dance. The silly dance foreshadowed nothing and was essentially meaningless. But it sure was a lot of fun. Wait. What was that arm coming from a blue portal over there… oh, it was nothing.

Suddenly, she yawned. She felt particularly tired today for some reason, so she climbed into bed and tried to get comfortable. But some sort of invisible force was pressing down on her, a strange feeling of cold heavy metal. No wonder she could never get any sleep!

Jade wanted to realize that she could fly, but there was not much to realize. Of course she could fly! The dreambot's nuclear rocket pack was activated and Dream Jade floated into the air. Okay. That was enough of this flying nonsense for now. She landed and examined John's birthday package.

Unfortunately, she would not be able to open it just yet. This package had an important journey to make first. She was planning on delivering it momentarily. Good thing she already knew what was inside. Otherwise, she would have surely been consumed by curiosity and suspense. She sincerely pitied anyone who might have been forced to endure such a fate.

Months in the past… well, enough for the snow on the ground to be seasonably reconcilable.

**- ghostyTrickster ****[GT]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **-**

**GT: hey, happy birthday jade!**

**GG: yay thank you john! :D**

**GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.**

**GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.**

**GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that? you are running me ragged!**

**GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!**

**GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.**

**GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)**

**GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!**

**GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!**

**GT: oh man.**

**GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.**

**GT: ARGH.**

**GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!**

**GT: ok well i hope so.**

**GG: 3...**

**GG: uhhhh hold on**

**GG: ok im back sorry**

**GG: i had to tell someone to go away!**

**GT: oh god.**

**GT: the trolls again?**

**GG: yup :o**

**GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.**

**GT: it seems like there are so many.**

**GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.**

**GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!**

**GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy**

**GG: i have counted twelve**

**GT: what do they want with us!**

**GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john**

**GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!**

**GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.**

**GG: but i think they are mostly harmless**

**GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe**

**GT: oh wow, what? years?**

**GT: ok, well i am sick of them.**

**GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off the trail.**

**GT: so...**

**GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.**

John went into the Pesterchum options and changed his username to **ectoBiologist**. There we go. That was better. Now the trolls wouldn't be able to follow him around anymore.

In the same house, but not the same locale or time frame, John entered his room. He had already carved a few totems, but he'd had to return to the living room for some more cruxite dowels. His carving work was not nearly complete.

Every time he reentered his room, he shuddered at the recent handiwork of some mischievous shale imps. He just couldn't turn his back on them for a second! His posters! His beautiful posters! They'd been like children to him! Nick Cage was neither a clown nor a fool as the posters portrayed him.

Rose fled the burning room and returned to her own. At long last, she had a stable power source and internet connection. Thanks to Skaianet Laboratory.

Vodka Mutini purred at Rose's side. Yes, it was the best name ever! And most ironic. Rose supposed she'd call the cat Mutie for short.

**TT: That's quite a totem collection.**

**TT: What are you planning?**

**EB: oh whoa hi!**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: gonna make some stuff.**

**EB: are you ok? hasn't your house been on fire for like...**

**EB: five hours now?**

**TT: No, that was the nearby forest, which up until quite recently would have been best described as "on fire".**

**TT: But you may be excited to learn that just as recently, my house finally notched that achievement.**

**EB: wow, congrats i guess?**

**TT: Thank you. Have you seen Dave?**

**EB: nah.**

**EB: his bro is probably busy kicking his ass.**

**EB: that's probably all there is to say on the matter.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: I'm going to start putting this grist to use too.**

**TT: Let's be sparing with the frivolous knickknack breeding and focus on getting you up to the gate, ok?**

**EB: yeah, ok i hear you, but...**

**EB: i think we'll have plenty. i've been killing imps all over the house and now its lousy with gushers.**

**TT: Gushers?**

**EB: i mean grist.**

**EB: serves them right for ruining my posters. the bastards.**

**TT: Which posters?**

**EB: don't you see? my sweet movie posters. look at them, they're fucking ruined.**

**TT: John.**

**EB: ?**

**TT: Are you suggesting that imps are responsible for defacing your movie posters?**

**EB: uh, YEAH?**

**TT: Your posters have looked like that ever since I first saw your room.**

**TT: The moment we started playing this game.**

**TT: I thought you had defaced them ironically to mock your father's interests.**

**TT: John?**

**TT: ...?**

**EB: VERY FUNNY ROSE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**EB: NICE JOKE**

**EB: GREAT JOKE THERE ROSE**

**EB: TOP OF THE LINE PRANK**

**EB: HE HE**

**EB: HA HA HA HA HA**

**TT: This is good.**

**TT: Laughter is probably the best way to avoid being especially melodramatic about the revelation.**

**EB: yes**

**EB: YES**

**EB: LET'S KEEP THIS JOKE GOING**

**EB: BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A GOOD ONE**

**EB: HA HA HA HA**

**EB: OH MY**

**EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA**

**EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA**

WV and Serenity stood atop the capsule. Slowly, WV turned. He figured that it was time for them to descend to the ground. Except… the loose cable he'd gathered up and tied together was not yet long enough to allow him to reach the ground safely, leading him to the sad but entirely true conclusion that he could not descend from the top of the mobile station.

He'd already used all the cable he could find. He would have to come up with another plan. Maybe he could sacrifice his mayoral…

ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY

A MAYOR DOES NOT RELINQUISH HIS MAYORAL SASH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER PERIOD

WHY DO YOU EVEN PUT US IN STUPID SITUATIONS AND THEN GIVE US STUPID SOLUTIONS FOR US TO FILTER THROUGH THATS SO STUPID

"Okay, sorry for even suggesting the idea," a voice mumbled. The orange fingers stopped moving across the keyboard momentarily, but then started back up again. The trudge called Homestuck continued. A drop of sweat was wiped from a forehead.

What about appearifying the temple? No, that was such a dumb idea WV was annoyed he'd even suggested it. Not as dumb as using his sash, but it came pretty close. The temple was way too big. He'd probably just end up appearifying a chunk of boring, useless rock.

Wait, what was that? There was something dangling from the top of one of the towers near the main temple. WV commanded Serenity to bring it back to him, whatever it was. What? How? Serenity was a tiny insect and could not possibly lift more than the weight of a pumpkin seed!

She did inform him, however, upon flying over there and coming back, of what the ledge contained through a series of informative blinks. There was an old rusty harpoon lodged into the crumbling rock. Tied to it was a jumble of handy cable. This struck WV as particularly convenient. It was almost as if someone had known that he would need a bunch of cable, and that he would have a mayoral sash made out of cable, and that he would be particularly attached to that mayoral sash and would stubbornly refuse to use it. Anyone who knew that much would surely possess a special gift! Alas, it seemed a bit far-fetched.

He decided to get ye rope using the Appearifier. Well, he'd already established that it was a cable and not a rope, but it was okay. He took a hasty swig from one of his delicious pawns and put it down on the SBURB logo button. He then quickly adjusted the coordinates to appearify the jumble of handy cable.

He pressed appearify. A blue package appeared on the triangley-fractaled platform. Uh… that wasn't a cable. Oh, of course! The time hadn't been set to the present moment. Somehow it had been reset to a few hundreds years ago. It appeared to be some sort of present from the past… in the present. On it was a sticker that read:

TO: GG

FROM: GT

There was also an envelope attached. It looked extremely important. It was addressed to a certain "Mister Mayor." Oh, that was him! He tore open the envelope. Inside was a letter and another envelope. This was all highly confusing and he did not know what to make of it. Still, it was obviously critical mayoral business which he took very seriously and he would defend this package with his life.

He set the time to the present and appearified the appearified the jumble of cables.

He proceeded to tie all the cable together and carefully lower his precious pumpkin bindle. He then rappelled down the station with the package, which must not leave his side. Serenity followed not far behind him.

Years in the future, which was to say the present moment precisely! As in the exact same time that WV climbed down from the mobile station. Someone watched the Mayor through a spyglass. This someone stood in the temple.

The mysterious carapacian in gray rags and the firefly were trespassing on his land. Wait, what was that? The figure with the spyglass looked past him at a star in the sky. Wait, it was daytime. How was there a star in the sky? Whatever it was, it was growing. He zoomed in closer to see a capsule with a green house logo on it, suspended by whirring helicopter blades. There was a hole in the side of it with smoke trailing out.

An Aimless Renegade prepared for company. He put the spyglass down and cocked his rifle.

It was time. He was ready.

**EB: ok, while i make some stuff here can you keep an eye out for imps?**

**EB: just keep the safe or tub handy or something.**

**EB: it'll serve them right for trashing my posters.**

**TT: I keep telling you the posters were always like that.**

**EB: AND I KEEP TELLING YOU HA HA VERY FUNNY**

**TT: Here, look.**

**TT:**** /O413nanna**

**TT:**** /O413weirdo**

**EB: yeah, i saw those, but...**

**EB: they didn't look like that before. you must have changed them.**

**TT: Even if I had the motive for such a bizarre and pointless deception, where would I find the time?**

**TT: I don't even have Photoshop.**

**EB: then why didn't you TELL me they were there?**

**TT: I had no reason to think you were not aware of them.**

**TT: I thought they were strange, certainly, but was not struck by any particular impulse to discuss them.**

**EB: ok, it still doesn't make sense though.**

**EB: implying that i drew them a while ago and then forgot and couldn't see them and now suddenly see them.**

**EB: that's stupid, what would that even mean.**


	22. Book 2 Chapter 6: Prognostication

Chapter 6: Prognostication

Rose built as much of the house as she could as fast as she could. Except it was starting to become unstable. Her mind moved to other topics.

**TT: It looks like you were in your father's room recently.**

**EB: yeah.**

**TT: And how did it make you feel to discover what was in there?**

**EB: oh no, i just realized!**

**EB: you are going to psycho-therapify me.**

**EB: well don't bother!**

**TT: Maybe I am just being a friend?**

**EB: maybe...**

**EB: /EYES SUSPSICIOSLY**

**EB: anyway i guess you saw what's in there, it's boring and there's not much to even see.**

**TT: That doesn't matter.**

**TT: What matters is how seeing it affected you.**

**TT: I think it clearly has in some way.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: i don't know, at first i was nervous to go in and find more of his weird clowns, because of course they are stupid and i hate them a lot.**

**EB: but then when i didn't see any, it was weird.**

**EB: i felt weirdly, like... disappointed almost.**

**TT: Is it fair to say this changed your perception of your father?**

**EB: yeah, i guess.**

**TT: Is it such a stretch to conclude it changed your perception of other things as well?**

**EB: uh no, maybe not.**

**EB: but what are you getting at?**

**EB: it sounds like you're saying i'm crazy!**

**TT: I don't like to use the word "crazy".**

**EB: oh god.**

**EB: see? this is therapy bullshit!**

**TT: That was a joke.**

**TT: But anyway, whether it means you are crazy or not, consider this theory:**

**TT: Your presumably longstanding tendency for scrawling this imagery is really your subconsious trying to express something disturbing within you.**

**TT: Possibly something from your past, which you have blocked out.**

**TT: And since you have supressed it, your conscious self cannot acknowledge the drawings, therefore they have been invisible until now.**

**EB: why now?**

**TT: Perhaps because you have seen evidence that conflicts with the worldview your subconscious has constructed to obfuscate the truth.**

**TT: That your dad is not necessarily the clown-loving maniac you thought he was.**

**TT: All along, this negative attribute buried in your psyche may have been projected on to him, and subsequently reviled, as a sort of defense mechanism.**

**EB: but this is absurd, my dad LOVES these shitty clowns.**

**EB: he's got all these statues and paintings EVERYWHERE.**

**TT: Is it unthinkable that over the years it was he who believed you were the one with a passion for clowns? Because of the all the strange drawings in your room?**

**TT: A father then embraces a son's hobby to establish a stronger bond.**

**TT: Or wages a campaign of passive-aggresive mockery of your interests.**

**TT: Either is plausible. I don't know your dad that well.**

**EB: i dunno.**

**EB: not sure about all this.**

**EB: but i think we need to stop and acknowledge the bunny sassacre fedora i just made.**

**TT: It's awesome.**

**EB: yeah.**

**EB: wow, what are you doing by the way?**

**EB: rose, sorry to say but this is all looking kind of silly!**

**TT: I'm trying to spread the upward construction around so there is a more substantial foundation for later on.**

**TT: But I'm starting to wonder if it will be strong enough.**

**TT: It's kind of starting to wobble a little.**

**TT: I don't think brick chimneys were meant to serve this architectural purpose.**

**EB: yeah no shit!**

**TT: I might have to adopt a different building strategy.**

**TT: Stick to more load-bearing walls, and blockier shapes, especially since grist has been easier to come by lately.**

**EB: ok, but you really must be running low on time by now, right?**

**TT: Right.**

**EB: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!**

Dream Jade dreamed up another couple pairs of arms to play an advanced bass solo. Bec jammed out on the roof as Jade's dreambot played it in real life as well. The recorder picked it up and played it over the sound system, growing the flowers and pumpkins in the garden even larger.

The person with the orange hands got ready for the grand reveal that Dream Jade was actually on a planet called Prospit! And that Prospit orbited Skaia. Because Skaia was a planet and it always had been.

Wait for it… Dream Jade resided on a magical planet called Prospit and Prospit orbited Skaia because Skaia is a planet and both of the planets are really cool. Whoops. Just slipped into the present tense again there. Let's not do that thing that happened with real-life Jade again with Dream Jade. Okay? Got it. Let's shift back to past tense. Or rather, we shifted back to past tense. Okay. Time to continue.

Jade changed the wardrobifier to cycle through the star, heart, and horseshoe designs. Wait, what star, heart, and… STUPID, she lived on Prospit, remember? She wasn't in Kansas anymore! Or, actually, she wasn't on an island on Earth... but Kansas works… _worked_ for our purposes.

The orange hands cracked their knuckles again and the accompanying orange face let out a small sigh. It was time to sleep for Mr. Orange Guy.

Oh, wait, but that would be a conundrum, wouldn't it? Because then he'd have to introduce himself, and that would be breaking the fourth wall! Not that this right here isn't breaking the fourth wall… Anyway, he didn't want to introduce himself into the story. It just wouldn't be a smart idea. At all.

A little bottle of Five Hour Energy was poured into a waiting mouth. Knuckles were cracked once more. A sigh was let out once more. Time to get back to Homestuck. Now, where had he been?

Jade decided to leave the moon in the cycle, however, because she liked it.

Nah, that wasn't a good way to open again! He should have said that beforehand! Anyway, it was time to _actually_ begin. Enough false starts.

Dream Jade did leave the moon in the cycle, but she proceeded to leave her tower. It was made of pure gold. Below her lay the beautifully shiny golden planet of Prospit. She floated through the streets of the golden city.

Jade's dreambot flew down the tower as well, pausing above the ground.

Hey, look at those people down there! Dream Jade waved at the white carapacians in the city below and they waved back up at her. Above her was the other section of Prospit, the much smaller portion that was attached to the main planet via a long, thick chain. She floated up along the metal.

Dream Jade looked down into the gold of the city and saw another white carapacian. This one she recognized. Where from, though? The tall white carapacian looked up at her and blinked. Whether the blink was in recognition, surprise, or stupidity, Jade wasn't sure, but it dropped the mailbox it had been carrying.

The dreambot looked down and saw nothing but Bec sitting on one of the towers around the frog temple.

This tower was the exact same tower that had had the jumble of cables on it (or will have had, if you're confused about all this time-jumping craziness). Just beside it, PM stood in front of her capsule.

WV attempted to chew on the letter and envelope, but just then he realized he had company. See, that lady over there! He quickly read the letter to see if it said anything about this, and indeed it did. Half of the page was taken up by a drawing of PM standing in front of her capsule and near the tower mentioned in the last paragraph. It said "mister mayor, go here!" with an arrow pointing at PM. The next half showed WV giving the package to her. It read "give present! hooray! oh please do this, the freedom of your people depends on it! -3, your friend :)"

He wondered who "your friend :)" was. The only clue he had was that the letter was written in green ink.

The Mayor looked at the Mendicant and the Mendicant looked back at him. Except the Mayor's glare was friendly, whereas the Mendicant appeared frightened. Her hand reached for her sword.

Elsewhere, a hand reached for the trigger. And pulled it. An onslaught of bullets shot straight for WV, who did a strange dance in place to avoid them. And then he ducked for cover behind a short rock.

The Aimless Renegade turned his attention to the Mendicant and shot for her. One of the sentries offered her a mailbox, but it didn't seem time for that, seeing as how she was about to get shot. She hurried to the rock that WV was hiding behind and sat against it. The Renegade stopped shooting but kept his gun trained on the rock.

On the other side of it, WV slowly shifted over to the side where PM sat in short, inconspicuous movements. But of course the Mendicant noticed. She had been trained to notice. And she was in hypersense mode because of all the danger. Except instead of stabbing her or something, as PM had thought he would have done, he handed her a blue package with a letter addressed "to Miss Mail Lady!"

Jade gracefully flew up the chain, but instead of returning to her tower, she gracefully flew to the other tower that was built just like her own. She peeked through the window. The room itself, with its blue wallpaper, was very much the same as Jade's. The only difference was that her's had been built for a young girl, while this one had been built for a young boy.

John was of course, sound asleep in the Prospitian bed. It looked like he was having troubled dreams as usual. She could not disturb his slumber though. He'd wake up when he was ready.

The graffiti from the imps (or, as Rose had said, John in a mockery of his Dad) was still on the walls. The posters weren't there, but it made more sense now. An arrow pointing at him read "Lame kid."

Speaking of John, she wondered if he'd gotten the birthday present she'd sent him? Or for that matter, if she'd even remembered to send it. Darn! She got so confused sometimes. If only she had a system in place to remember things!

Dream Jade's moon was getting very close to Skaia. She had better go inside soon. It was never a good idea to be outside during the eclipse. Maybe she could take the opportunity to log onto her computer and ask John about his present. She just knew he would think it was awesome, and it would be a great way to thank him for the wonderful present he'd given her.

John decided to alchemize in a 1980's time-lapse montage. Well, actually, that would have been cool, and promote the appearance that a lot was getting done in not much time, but it sounded like a huge pain in the ass, and Mr. Orange Guy only had 5 hours of energy, so he decided to play it straight up this time. Except it was _still_ going to take a while. Because Mr. Orange Guy did not have a John Egbert in his mercykind strife specibus.

Rose had moved the Alchemiter back down to the balcony (it had previously been on the roof) while she reworked the building project up there. Just as well because it would save John a lot of legwork. Between this thing, the Designix, and the Lathe, there was a whole lot of scrambling around to do.

John recombined the hammer and the pogo ride, but this time, instead of overlapping the hole patterns and getting less holes (the && method), he masked them and double punched a card with the holes from both cards (the | | method). The result was a hammerhead pogo ride. It didn't look like it was as much fun as the original ride, but to be fair it was probably a whole lot safer.

He && combined the suit his Dad had gotten him and his green ghost slime shirt to produce the green slime ghost suit. It was pretty swanky, but he wasn't completely satisfied with his wardrobe upgrade just yet. He combined the new green slime ghost suit with Harry Anderson's _Wise Guy_ book to create the wise guy slime suit. It seemed as though there were a lot of secret trickstery gimmicks concealed in OH SHIT THERE WENT THE CARDS IN THE SLEEVES

He then && combined his PDA and glasses to make the serious business goggles. It was a pretty nice hands-free communication solution, and it made him look way cooler, like one of those kids from _Spy Kids_ or something. God, that was a good movie! Real spies… only smaller!

What about combining _three_ cards? John | | combined the sledgehammer with the Sassacre text and also && combined it with his telescope at the same time. He made the giant Telescopic Sassacrusher, at pretty considerable expense. This thing could probably have pounded an ogre into a crudeburger. Of course, he had no hope of lifting it whatsoever.

He then && combined the box of gushers with a blob of blue ectoplasm, generously donated by Nannasprite and created a box of Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurism gushers, which had ghostly healing properties. The box had a picture of Nannaquin on it. This should be convenient, if somewhat unappetizing.

John && combined a fake arm and blue ectoplasm and | | combined both with the PDA at the same time to produce the remote ghost gauntlet. He wore the metal gauntlet, which was perfectly synchronized with a floating ghost arm. He picked up the Telescopic Sassacrusher with the big slimy ghost hand.

He then && combined the remote ghost gauntlet and the bathroom mirror to produce the left handed remote ghost gauntlet, which was just the mirror image of the other. Now he had a pair of slimy ghost hands at his control.

Next, he && combined an umbrella and a straight razor to produce the barber's best friend. It could be used in his profession and when it rained! It suddenly seemed worthwhile to John to go nab that umbrellakind strife specibus that had been lying in the study for a while now.

He proceeded to && combine the box of gushers with a can of Barbasol to produce a deadly Betty Crocker Barbasol bomb! He had to be careful with the thing! Jesus!

Enough of this nonsense. Mr. Orange Guy had begun to get a headache and he was only about half an hour through his energy reserve. He had to finish up.

Ok, that was about all that John had wanted to… Oh wait! He had a cool idea for something to do with his _Ghost Dad_ poster! But it looked he'd drawn shit all over that one too without realizing it. Lousy goddamn stupid subconscious! Anyway, he thought he had an idea about how to clean it up.

He grabbed a Heath Ledger Joker figurine and proceeded to alchemize. If he could somehow "subtract" the code of the joker figurine from the poster, it might work. Luckily, the figurine code only had two holes, making the task very simple. The defaced Cosby poster shared those holes. He determined that the defaced Cosby could only result from a double punching with the Joker, if his theory was correct. This meant that the original poster had had either one of those holes punched, or the other, or neither, making three total possibilities. John tried all three possibilities out, yielding a potted plant, a painting of a horse attacking a football player, and a clean Cosby poster. Success!

He then && combined the Cosby poster with the computer to create the Cosbytop computer. This thing was probably a useless piece of shit, but making it had caused him to feel an alarming sense of satisfaction.

Okay. Good. That was quite enough for John to do, Mr. Orange Guy thought. He'd gotten the Cosbytop and all those useful and/or shitty items from before, so he was done.

Except for one more thing he wanted to do. His Dad's hat. He && combined the fedora with his _Problem Sleuth_ game to make another ordinary fedora. With four pieces of candy corn inside.

Wait. One more thing to do with the _Problem Sleuth_ poster. He attempted to && combine it with his hammer, but whatever this item was that he was trying to create, he couldn't make it yet. It required a ludicrous amount of grist, some types of which he hadn't even encountered yet.

Well then… he still wanted to upgrade his weapon, so he combined the pogo hammer with an iron to make… the WRINKLEFUCKER!

Yes. So much sweet loot. He'd almost have thought it was simultaneously his birthday && Christmas | | something. But of course he knew that that was ridiculous and could never conceivably happen. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of the… never mind. John turned but saw nothing.

"Final Round, Bro!" Bro Strider called. It's now or never! A bunch of crows were lined up on the rooftop of Dave's apartment building. The Striders faced each other, fierce concentration upon both of their faces. They where doing it. They where making it hapen.

**STRIFE!**

Dave adjusted his glasses. Bro adjusted his as well, perhaps in an ironic mockery. Or maybe he'd just needed to adjust them. Lil' Cal popped in between them momentarily and then disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

And then they sprinted towards each other and leaped into the air. Lil' Call fell between them again and as they slashed at each other, Dave's sword was sliced through by his Bro's and Lil' Cal was cut into pieces. His sword! What a cheap piece of shit.

Dave flew backwards through the air and landed with an audible thud against the ground. The pieces of his sword and Lil' Cal fell all around him. The SBURB Beta envelopes floated down onto Dave's chest and Bro absconded from the scene on his rocket skateboard. The crows on the roof remained where they were. Fucking birds. He tried to shoo them away but they wouldn't leave.

Ow. He hurt all over. He got his phone out and pestered John.

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

**TG: bro just kicked my ass**

**TG: thats really all there is to say on the matter**

Finally, Prospit reached Skaia and the eclipse began. Clouds displayed images of squiddles, John, space, and various other things that were of relevance to Jade. When she looked out her window, she was faced with all the memories of past, present, and near future events, which explained her prognosticative abilities.

Dream Jade/Jade's dreambot sat in her room while this commotion happened and pestered John.

**- gardenGnostic [****GG****] began pestering ectoBiologist [****EB****] at 13:25 -**

**GG: john did you get my package?**

**EB: oh hey!**

**EB: no, not yet.**

**GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box...**

**EB: oh!**

**EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.**

**EB: he should be back soon.**

**GG: great! so what are you up to today?**

**EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.**

**EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.**

**GG: lol!**

**GG: whats sburb?**

**EB: oh, it is this game.**

**EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.**

In the meantime, Prospit passed through the memory of the creation of the crater next to her volcano. A meteor fell out of a Skaian gate once more and crashed into the craggy landscape.

**GG: whoa what was that?**

**EB: what was what?**

**GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!**

**GG: it sounded like an explosion!**

**EB: wow, really?**

**GG: i will go outside and look...**

**EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?**

**GG: i will! :)**

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

Outside, a dog guardian rose from the lava that was produced as the volcano erupted into the crater. Dream Jade went outside to investigate the crash and saw an odd floating white orb in the center of the lava. What was that? However, when she attempted to approach it, though, Bec the dog guardian blocked her way. Damn it.

Jade's dreambot made its way outside too and attempted to enter the frog temple in the center of the crater lake, but Bec blocked its way.

**- gardenGnostic [****GG****] began pestering ectoBiologist [****EB****] -**

**GG: im back!**

**EB: oh hi!**

**GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard**

**EB: was it by any chance a meteor?**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: how did you know?**

**EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!**

**EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?**

**GG: no i am fine!**

**GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it**

**GG: and its pretty big!**

**GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it**

**GG: so i came home**

**GG: he seems to think its dangerous!**

**EB: well gosh, he's probably right!**

**GG: anyway what have you been up to john?**

**GG: oh! did you get my package yet? :O**

**EB: er...**

**EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.**

**GG: oh no!**

**EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.**

**EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.**

**GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!**

**EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.**

**EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.**

**EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!**

**GG: O_O**

**GG: well...**

**GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but...**

**GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!**

**GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny**

**GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!**

**EB: wow, you think so?**

**GG: yes!**

**EB: well ok, BUT.**

**EB: it's not even that simple!**

**EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.**

**EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!**

**EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!**

**EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.**

**GG: hahaha**

**GG: he is so silly!**

**EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.**

At about that time, John went to sleep on the bed under the gate. Jade, who had been sitting atop her Prospitian tower, looked over to see John out of his bed, floating in midair. What? Jade flew over to him and John blinked once, opening his eyes to a squint.

John saw clouds rushing by him. His Dad's fedora, a box of fruit gushers, and then… was that a girl?

Both of the kids sat up in their real life beds suddenly. Jade picked up her computer and pestered John again. John sat at the end of the bed and answered her. An imp gnawed on the bed.

**- gardenGnostic [****GG****] began pestering ectoBiologist [****EB****] -**

**GG: hey!**

**EB: whoa, there you are!**

**GG: how is your adventure going john?**

**EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now.**

**GG: thats good!**

**EB: oh but, like...**

**EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :(**

**EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that.**

**GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important!**

**GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive...**

**GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!**

**EB: yeah, you're probably right.**

**EB: but, um...**

**EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i?**

**GG: oh uhhh...**

**GG: i dont know didnt you?**

**EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked rose or dave about it or something.**

**GG: yeah maybe that was it!**

**EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!**

**GG: heheheh :D**

**EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things?**

**EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno.**

**GG: oh well john**

**GG: i want to explain lots of things to you...**

**GG: some things that i know**

**GG: im just...**

**GG: waiting!**

**EB: waiting for what!**

**GG: oh! john!**

**GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house!**

**EB: oh yeah.**

**EB: what ever happened with that?**

**GG: oh boy... well...**

**GG: it turns out i was confused about it...**

**GG: really confused! o_o;**

**GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and...**

**GG: lost track of time**

**GG: that happens!**

**EB: yeah i know, tell me about it!**

**EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something.**

**EB: so what was the deal with the meteor?**

**GG: well...**

**GG: its hard to explain!**

**GG: but...**

**GG: i know what it is now!**

**GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!**

**EB: so what is it?**

**EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me?**

**GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!**

**GG: but i cant yet**

**GG: i really think you need to wake up first!**

**EB: huh?**

**GG: well ok not literally**

**GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!**

**EB: AUGH!**

**EB: stop being so confusing!**

**GG: lol :)**

**GG: anyway time for you to go john**

**GG: i think you have some company!**

**GG: 3**

And then, suddenly, a large hand arrived on the roof. It was the hand of a crude ogre. But we've seen this all before, anyway. At least it makes more sense now. Mr. Orange Guy shook his head in disapproval. That entire section had been confusing. Basically, in recap, Dream Jade's world, the golden planet Prospit, passed through the memory of the formation of real-life Jade's island. Dream Jade heard the explosion and she (as well as the dreambot, because they were perfectly aligned in everything they did) went to investigate. On Prospit and/or the memory thing, there was some kind of white orb that Bec blocked her from getting to both there and in real life. Dream Jade returned to find that John had woken up (kind of) and when she approached him, they both woke up. Then John fought the crude ogres on the roof and won and did all that crappy alchemization we just saw.

Wow. Mr. Orange Guy shook his head. Only an hour into his energy reserve and he was already getting tired. And that was a freaking _long_ chapter. Come on, seriously? Okay, next chapter. He cracked his knuckles and got back to writing.


	23. Book 2 Chapter 7: Of Gifts and Trolls

Chapter 7: Of Gifts and Trolls

Jade took a moment to gather her thoughts after that dream. While she was asleep it could get really confusing figuring out what was really happening and what wasn't. Especially during the eclipse, when she was exposed to many vision of the past, present, and future through a variety of cloud mirages. It was only after she woke up that she was ever able to make sense of it all, and her reminders helped her to do this.

But in reflection, there hadn't been much in this dream about the future. She was quite surprised that she'd seen her dog in the dream though. It was the first time the crafty guardian had ever appeared in one! She had learned that today was his birthday, just like it was for her other best friend (or at least, the day he'd risen out of lava and explored the world of the living for the first time). She had always wondered about this and had never had the chance to throw him a party and bake him a cake. Now she could! But if she did, it seemed she'd need a lot of candles!

Bec had never allowed Jade to enter the mystic ruins for reasons she didn't understand. She'd always assumed it was on account of her protection. But her dream had strongly suggested to her that that was where she needed to go now! Since her dreambot was secured in its chamber and did not need to be looked after, Bec was taking a nap in the grand foyer as he usually did. Perhaps she could take advantage of this and sneak out of the house another way?

And… yes, of course! One of her reminders reminded her that she still had a package to deliver too. She grabbed her harpoon gun. This way she could kill two birds with one harpoon.

She shot a harpoon out the window and latched it onto one of the stone towers. She grabbed a zipline hanger and slid down the rope to the tower. She'd never disobeyed Bec this directly before! It was time to see what was in that frog.

While John had been messing around with his alchemization, Rose had been building the house up. Finally, she had finished. The final house was a good nine or ten stories high. Architectural perfection.

"Oh god. Cal! Speak to me, little dude!" Dave cried. "If I had any more apple juice, I would pour some out for you." To himself he added, "I'll have to make sure to double-check my closet for some more."

The more pressing issue was to get a _goddamn new sword!_ Well, he'd have to break it in half first before using it. "Perfectly good strife specibus, down the toilet," he muttered. "Thanks Bro." It was no longer bladekind, but rather 1/2bladekind.

He tried to grab the Beta but then remembered that his sylladex was completely backed. He wondered why he'd jammed all this useless crap in there in the first place. Maybe he'd assumed he'd weaponize it during one of his customary hashmap battles with his Bro, but in retrospect that probably just would have been a huge chore and would have made the battle drag on forever. It's like what was he made of time?

He hit the eject button, dumping all the crap in his sylladex out onto the roof. He then set his modus to the scrabble hash function for some reason. This function always made it a little less intuitive to calculate hash value for items with and therefore, more cumbersome to rap with. But he guessed that was kind of a moot point now that his Bro had flown off to fuck knew where. His mysterious ways transcended irony yet again.

He took the BETA (3+1+1+1 = 6), now yielding a radically different value with the Scrabble function. Which was to say a radically exactly the same value. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the air conditioning vent, but Dave didn't notice. He was too busy pestering Rose.

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

**TG: ok i got it**

**TG: i hope you appreciate how much gross spongy proboscis i had to fellate to get this game**

**TG: hello**

**TG: what are you doing**

**TG: anyway im going down stairs now and installing this thing**

**TG: later**

Rose stood on her bed, looking out at the fire. She'd finally finished her building project. She'd done about all she could have done for John. She didn't think she could provide much assistance against all those ogres this time, but at least now John appeared to be armed to the teeth. Very literally. Candy corn vampire teeth. All there was to do now was wait for Dave.

It was suggested by Mr. Orange Guy that she should captchalogue and send John's birthday gift to him, but while that would've hastened the parcel's delivery, the gift was not finished yet! She had spent months accelerating her knitting skills to be able to make the gift of perfect sentimental appeal. She'd even incorporated a cherished heirloom she'd had for as long as she could remember. When John saw her staggering gesture of sentimentality, he would finally understand. He would understand that in the game of facetious sentimental gestures, no one got the best of Rose Lalonde.

Months before, the same girl stood in the same position in the same room with an open blue package on the floor and a letter in hand. The letter read:

**dear rose,**

**happy birthday!**

**thanks for being such a great friend all these years. i know you like to make it out like you're playing it cool and don't care much about the people in your life, but i know deep down you really do. hell, not even that deep down. it's like, um, like your subconscious is having a wet t-shirt contest, and you being all aloof is this totally soggy shirt doing no good at all at hiding nothin'. oh wait, it looks like two can play at this game of cracking all these high falutin psychology books! AW SNAP!**

**but yeah, i got you this because i think you're really creative and you could make something nice with it if you put your mind to it. and it might help you take your mind off a lot of all this serious business you're always absorbed in. you know, all this weirdo pseudo-gothy stuff or whatever. frankly it's kind of depressing.**

**anyway you're the best rose! have a rad 13th! (i will catch up with you guys soon. god you're all so old.)**

**~ghostyTrickster**

**(john)**

Still in the past, Rose looked over at her computer, which was flashing. Oh god. It was one of those darned trolls again. She hopped on her computer and saw that she was being pestered by "grimAuxiliatrix". Wonderful.

**- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

**GA: Why Is It That When The Subject Of Temporal Mechanics Is Broached Your Sparing Human Intellects Instantly Assume The Most Ingratiating Posture Of Surrender Imaginable**

**GA: Time Is Not That Difficult To Understand**

**GA: It Is A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity**

**GA: Or May Not Resort To If That Is The Case**

**GA: Its All Pretty Pedestrian**

**GA: But No**

**GA: When Time Travel Comes Up You Present The Face That A Man Shows When The Breeze Gradually Alerts Him To His Absence Of Netherdressings**

**GA: I Dont See How We Are To Properly Agitate You All If You Continue To Insist On Failing To Understand Basic Concepts Which Common Infants Effortlessly Manage To Describe Via Scrawlings In Their Own Puddles Of Sloppy Discharge**

**TT: Have we spoken before?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: In The Future**

**TT: You and your friends never cease to invent ways to strengthen the credibility of your assertions.**

**GA: Oh My It Is Your Human Sarcasm Again**

**GA: I Enjoy Listening To It And I Wish Doing So Could Serve As My Primary Form Of Recreation**

**GA: There See I Just Did It Too**

**GA: Saying The Opposite Thing To Emphasize My Contempt**

**GA: But Suddenly I Feel More Primitive And Hate Myself A Little More**

**GA: It Was Like This Funny Miracle That Just Happened In My Heart**

**TT: I would admire the sophistication of you and your fellow future-dwellers a little more if you seemed to be aware the word "human" only functions as that sort of adjective in bad science fiction.**

**TT: But I won't be rude and change the subject.**

**TT: There's a still a bit of unflagellated straw poking out of your rhetorical effigy over here.**

**GA: Oh Dear**

**GA: No We Arent From "The Future"**

**GA: But We Are All Already In Agreement That You Dont Get It And Never Will**

**TT: I thought you said we spoke in the future.**

**GA: We Did**

**GA: Your Future**

**GA: For Me It Was Only A Couple Minutes Ago**

**TT: I understand.**

**TT: You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline.**

**TT: It's not that complicated.**

**GA: Yes Thats Right**

**GA: Will You Try To Talk Some Sense Into Your Idiot Friends**

**GA: So That We May Proceed To Bother Them All On More Rational Terms**

**TT: I try to every day, with mixed results.**

**TT: But you see, it's not that I don't understand you.**

**TT: It's just that I don't believe you.**

**TT: Because it's nonsense.**

**TT: Albeit persistent and coordinated nonsense.**

**TT: Why would a bunch of temporally dislocated trolls want to harass a group of friends throughout completely random points in time?**

**GA: I Will Admit This Campaign Of Provocation Wasnt All That Well Thought Out**

**GA: Dont Tell Anyone I Said That**

**TT: Alright.**

**TT: Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans.**

**TT: Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it.**

**GA: Yeah Maybe**

**GA: Why Dont We Be Friends**

**TT: You want to be my friend?**

**GA: I Think So**

**GA: I Think Were Supposed To**

**GA: You Suggested As Much Earlier**

**TT: You mean I did in the future?**

**GA: Yes A Couple Minutes Ago**

**TT: Probably because I remembered you mentioning it in the conversation we're having now?**

**GA: Thats Likely**

**TT: Hmm.**

**TT: Your commitment to this roleplaying scenario is intriguing.**

**TT: What choice do I have but to accept?**

Next to Rose's computer sat the blue package. At around the same time, another blue package sat on another desk. It was raining at Dave's apartment building. He looked through his Bro-like triangular glasses at the letter before him.

**dear dave,**

**happy birthday!**

**i just wanted to take a break from telling you how much your gay butt stinks all the time and say what an awesome friend you are. seriously, on any other day i would be downplaying how you aren't really as cool as you think you are, but just between you and me i think you might actually be that cool. i think you just gotta get out of your bro's shadow and spread your wings dude!**

**so i got you these. they're totally authentic! they actually touched ben stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. i'm sure you'll dig them because i know you lolled so hard at that movie. ok so for real, this is sort of a shitty present, but it is an ironic present because i know you wouldn't have it any other way. maybe you can wear them ironically some time. they MIGHT even be more ironic than you and your bro's dumb pointy anime shades.**

**anyway, have a good one buddy! and stay busy being totally sweet!**

**~ghostyTrickster**

**(john)**

He wore the new, round glasses and set the triangular ones next to the blue package, discarded as they should have been. Oh wonderful, another one of those trolls. This one was called "adiosToreador". What was their problem anyway?

**- adiosToreador ** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **-**

**AT: hEYYY,**

**AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE AWFUL,**

**AT: lET'S PUT THAT FACT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT,**

**AT: nOW YOU HAVE BEEN PRIMED FOR THE DIGESTIVE RUINATION THAT'S ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE, aND THE COMPREHENSIVE SOILING OF THE LAUNDRY ENVELOPING YOUR PERSON,**

**TG: oh my god you type like a tool**

**AT: yEAHHH,**

**AT: nOW YOU'RE GETTING IT, wHAT YOU ARE IN FOR,**

**AT: aRE YOU READY TO BE TROLLLLLED,**

**AT: wITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR MISERABLE HUMAN CORTEX,**

**TG: this is so weak im almost getting tired of wasting good material on you guys**

**TG: its like**

**TG: youve got nothing**

**TG: its always one of you sprouting up and ranting about how hard im about to get trolled**

**TG: with no ensuing substance**

**TG: you dont even know anything about us**

**TG: one of you fuckers thought i was a girl**

**AT: oK, yEAH, bUT,**

**AT: tHE THING IS, tHAT i DON'T CARE,**

**AT: aBOUT YOUR ANATOMICAL DETAILS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT,**

**AT: i KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE,**

**AT: oR WILL DO, aCTUALLY,**

**AT: iT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING, tHE WORST YOU CAN EVER DO,**

**TG: sorry i wouldnt cyber with you dude**

**TG: in the future or whatever**

**AT: wHAT, wAIT,**

**AT: oH,**

**AT: oK, yOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIKES TO SUBMIT INNUENDO,**

**TG: human innuendo**

**AT: yES, hUMAN iNNUENDO,**

**AT: sORRY FOR THE LACK OF CLARITY,**

**TG: so at what point in the future am i supposed to look forward to you whipping up this titanic hankerin for my knob**

**AT: uH,**

**TG: be honest with me**

**TG: cause im busy**

**TG: and i want to know exactly when i got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon**

**AT: sHOULD i BE PERTURBED BY THESE ALLUSIONS,**

**TG: no man**

**TG: look**

**TG: i just need to know when to be there**

**TG: when the stars come into alignment and your flux capacitor lets you finally sate your meteoric greed for crotch-dachshund**

**TG: i wouldnt want to miss it and cause a paradox or something**

**TG: itd suck if the universe blew up on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise**

**AT: uHHH,**

**AT: oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME,**

**TG: jesus you are such a shitty troll**

**AT: i GUESS i'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE,**

**AT: aND FIND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU,**

**AT: wHEN, i GUESS,**

**AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE, aND DON'T HAVE ALL THESE BEES IN YOUR BONNET,**

**AT: aBOUT YOUR HUMAN SEXUALITY,**

**TG: oh no**

**TG: no dude**

**TG: you sassed me up**

**TG: we are in THE SHIT now**

**TG: together**

**TG: for the long haul**

**AT: i,**

**AT: wHAT,**

**TG: we're motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch**

**TG: you and me**

**TG: welcome to nam**

**TG: now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before charlie gets the fuckin drop**

**AT: uHHH, wHO,**

**AT: wHO'S CHARLIE,**

**TG: hes the guy whos gonna read our vows**

**TG: im feeling pretty friggin MATRIMONIAL all a sudden**

**TG: take a look down by your foot see that little bottle**

**TG: stomp on that shit like its on fire**

**TG: noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs til someone gets hurt**

**TG: im your 300 pound matronly freight-train**

**TG: and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling**

**AT: oH MY GOD,**

**TG: bro look in my eyes**

**TG: that twinkle**

**TG: that be DEVOTION you herniated pro wrestlers sweaty purple taint**

**TG: sparklin like a visit from your fairy fuckin godmother**

**TG: shit be PURE AND TRUE**

**TG: thats what you see**

**TG: a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin together**

**TG: radially effevescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine**

**TG: turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong**

**TG: this is how we do this**

**TG: this shits more real than kraft mayo**

**- adiosToreador ** **blocked turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **-**


	24. Book 2 Chapter 8: The Aimless Renegade

Chapter 8: The Aimless Renegade

The Aimless Renegade, AR for short (because Mr. Orange Guy is kind of lazy), stood inside the frog temple in the future. He'd identified a couple of unwelcome rogues outside his present stronghold. They were in violation of his jurisdiction. Despite his ordinarily striking marksmanship, he'd spent his entire ammo clip without recording a single killshot. Suddenly, he realized that his gun was magazine-fed, not clip-fed. But he didn't give a shit about that.

He turned and examine the wall, upon which were drawn a number of rows of ancient hieroglyphs depicting an array of amphibious and reptilian life forms. It was illegal pictography. It made him angry.

AR went and searched for ammo. There was plenty of it stored in the various ammo crates which he'd spent a great deal of time unearthing from nearby dunes and hauling back to his stronghold. He had a large variety of weaponry and ammunition at his disposal. Whether he could locate some more AK47 rounds quickly enough was a different matter altogether.

He retrieved a pair of deadly side arms. But he would need a longer-ranged weapon if he was to continue his enforcement. He delved deeper into the temple to try to find a rocket launcher. Here was one. It sat on top of a crate with a blue pictograph on the side. Illegal, probably. It was of a safari hat and a mustachioed mouth.

It was time to kill. But… he wondered if he should reconsider his grievance with the offenders. Perhaps he should let it slide. They seemed friendly enough, and it had been years since he'd had company. It would also have been quite the pity to blow up that tall, attractive female. But then again…

He looked out over the dunes. They were obviously hiding behind the rock. The female's hood and hat were visible above it. They were both in flagrant violation, trespassing through several zones which he had painstakingly marked as off-limits while he conducted his investigation of this crime scene. It was his duty to investigate this illegal monument and get to the bottom of its illicit amphibious idolatry. Just thinking about all the sloppy footprints that PM and WV were leaving in the sand made his carapace steam.

The law was all that was left to hold on to in this unforgiving dust bowl. He could not afford to loosen his black claw's grip lest justice slip through his fingers. Law was beauty. Judgement was the very basis for all that was pure and… wait. Hold that thought. He needed to take a moment to wear something ridiculous before he continued his spiel. He placed a bunch of bullets in rows and dragged a crate in front of them. He wrote judge on it and took another small dynamite box, filled it with more bullets, and wrote jury on it. He then placed a large clip of ammunition on his head and banged a metal thing on a screwdriver against the crate.

"**ORDER IN THE COURT. I WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS COURTROOM. IF EVERYONE DOES NOT SETTLE DOWN I WILL CLEAR OUT THIS COURTROOM, I SWEAR TO GOD.**"

AR examined the moving platform behind him, which appeared to be a large stage serving as some kind of elevator. But it couldn't go down because there was something jammed in it. It looked like a peculiar guitar, probably centuries old. But yeah, the jury agreed. He had to go blow up those trespassers.

Jade put John's present down in the right spot along with the double-layered letter she'd prepared a little while ago after a particularly interesting series of dreams. Should be any minute now… Suddenly, the present disappeared. It had been appearified to WV's time. Jade then shot the line with her rifle, snapping the cord in half. It fell in a jumble on the tower.

Okay, she'd set up the time bait. It was out of her hands now.

She looked over at the giant frog temple rising out of the water. She guessed she could swim, but maybe she could think of a better way across.

PM read the letter. It was kind of confusing. The top read "dear Miss Mail Lady, go here!" There was an arrow pointing to a hole in the left side of her capsule with the SBURB logo on it. A broken pillar was smoking next to it in the drawing.

Well, she guessed it was straightforward enough, even if the drawing was somewhat inaccurate. But still, there was only one hole in her capsule, and that was on the right. The drawing showed two. And the pillar in real life wasn't broken, but it was in the picture.

Hold that thought. The pillar collapsed as AR hit it with the rocket launcher. It landed not too far from WV's console. Oh no!

AR hit himself in the head with his makeshift gavel. Stupid, stupid stupid! He'd had them right in his crosshairs. He had no idea how a crack shot like that could have missed. It was practically inconceivable.

It was time to be the law. He reloaded and took aim, pointing straight at PM. That fair carapace… how it sparkled in the desert light. No! He could not afford to be distracted by such thoughts. He was too busy being the law. HE WAS THE LAW WHOOPS!

He aimed to far to the left and exploded a hole in the left of PM's capsule. Yes, now Jade's drawing was accurate.

WV stepped out from behind the rock and waved about in a distracting manner. AR sighed. It was this guy again and his little blinking bee. So outrageous. WV lobbed a can of Tab towards the temple. AR watched it as it fell just short of the temple. So what was the point of…

**THE CAN RUSE WAS A… DISTACTION**

Mr. Orange Guy slapped himself on the head. Only two hours in and he was randomly quoting SBAHJ. Seriously? How would WV have known about Dave's shitty webcomic?

However, the distraction was enough to allow PM to get into her capsule. The Peregrine Mendicant HADD the cargo!

WV continued to dance around. AR took aim at him… and shot the rocket straight into WV's capsule. The Mayor was thrown backwards.

In the meantime, inside the capsule, the Mail Lady looked at the next step of the letter. At the bottom of the letter was a series of coordinates along with further instructions. She knew what she had to do. She placed the blue package on a triangley fractal platform to the side of the room. Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection.

She pressed the large blue button on a console and sendificated the package into the past.

Many years ago in the same locale, a butterfly flew gracefully in the wind. And then it died as Grandpa Harley shot it with a rocket gun, creating a large blast. A huge swath of land began to smoke from the burned grass.

Nearby, a young Jade Harley with a green birthday hat sat atop Becquerel. Today was her birthday. Her grandfather had decided to celebrate by introducing her to the thrill of the hunt. But suddenly she and Bec wandered off. Where was the silly dog taking her?

Bec stopped at the top of a hill and young Jade dismounted. Neither of them noticed a mysterious hand sticking out of a blue portal in the sky. Suddenly, a present appeared magically! She opened it to find a shirt that was way too big for her, and… pumpkin seeds? There was also a letter.

**dear jade,**

**happy birthday!**

**it's hard to thank you enough for your friendship over the years. heck, if it weren't for you i wouldn't even have met rose and dave, so that is like, THREE TIMES the friendship! that is almost like, TOO MUCH FRIENDSHIP. ha ha. i only wish i could get you something for your birthday that could remotely make up for what you've given me, but of course that's impossible. so here are a couple silly things anyway!**

**i went to a weird asian store the other day and saw this rad shirt, so i got it and i'm wearing it now! but there was a blue one too which was way more awesome, and i wanted you to have it. i know you like green a lot, but maybe you'd like to try wearing blue sometimes? i bet you'd look like a million bucks! also i know you've been frustrated lately about how your pumpkins keep disappearing. well, i can't begin to explain why that's happening! all i can do is give you these so you can plant some more. don't give up, jade! wherever those dumb old pumpkins went off to, i'm sure you know the fun is in growing them and taking care of them until they're ready!**

**whew, got to head out to the post office now so this doesn't get to you TOO late! talk to you soon!**

**~ghostyTrickster**

**(john)**

Who was this John claiming to be Jade's friend? And these other friends he mentioned? Whoever he was, she thought he might have been on to something. Blue was a very pretty color! Also, growing pumpkins sounded like it could be fun. Maybe she'd ask her Grandpa if she could use the atrium to do some gardening. This would be exciting.

WHOP!

Jack Noir bore the vicious brunt of this story transition directly in the face. He was getting really tired of this feisty man and his busy fists. It was time to kill him once and for all. He held out a knife. "Here, stick this in your pipe and bleed to death slowly, old man!" he yelled.

John's Dad took out a lighter and quickly set fire to Jack's hat. Jack shoved it off of his head and watched as John's Dad sprayed shaving cream all over the hat and stomped the fire out.

"Thank you for destroying that horrendous jester hat," Jack snarled. He pointed in the direction of the exit. "You are now free to go."

Jade of the present played her guitar in an attempt to summon giant lily pads to cross the lake. The lily pads were summoned and she hopped across them like some kind of frog.

She climbed the ladder and peered into the temple. What the…

**TG: alright im installing this game finally**

**TT: Where doing this man?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: you could almost say**

**TG: where making this**

**TT: Go on.**

**TT: What is it where making this?**

**TG: TRANSPIRE**

**TG: **

**TT: Excellent.**

**TT: Let's make shit take place.**

Rose pressed the enter button and the spirographs came up on the screen. The song that Rose had heard before when installing the server client with John played. It was, according to the GameFaq walkthroughs, called Sburban Jungle. It wasn't that bad a song.

Dave popped open a bottle of apple juice and leaned back in his chair. He took a sip and watched the loading screen, his glasses reflecting all the colors and shapes he saw.

At about the same point in time, Jade entered the temple. What were all these pictographs of crocodiles supposed to be for? She walked to the middle and an elevator took her down a floor. She stepped off the elevator as it arrived, a giant closed lotus bloom in front of her, closed.

The screen finished loading and Dave rushed through the process, throwing Rose's bed into the burning forest and installing the Totem Lathe instead. He placed the Cruxtruder in the Observatory.

"Was throwing my bed away really necessary?" Rose muttered.

The countdown on the bloom in front of Jade was down to 4 minutes. 4:13, 4:12, 4:11… Jade had a sudden fit of narcolepsy.

Dave proceeded to place the Alchemiter on her roof. "STRIIIIIIIIIIDER!" She yelled. Dave created a door in the observatory and some stairs down to the roof for Rose to navigate to the Alchemiter. He then grabbed Zazzerpan the Learned from the living room and used it to knock the top of the Cruxtruder off. He dropped Zazzerpan outside, one of his arms breaking off in the process.

A red tornado with electricity crackling around it appeared outside. Rose took the cruxite and carved the totem. She prototyped Jaspers with the kernelsprite. She took the totem to the Alchemiter and produced a bottle of wine or something, but the tornado flung Zazzerpan's arm over the roof and knocked the bottle into the river. Oh no.

Dave couldn't do anything. His room was suddenly infested with crows for some stupid reason, so Rose leaped towards the bottle. She caught it and was pulled up by Jaspersprite, who magically had tentacle arms. What? Oh, Dave had tier two prototyped Jaspersprite with the eldritch princess.

Rose took a sip from the bottle and grimaced. It was certainly alcohol. It was disgusting. How could her mother stand to drink this stuff?

Jade sat up as the lotus bloom reached the end of its countdown. It opened at the same time that Rose entered The Medium, revealing Dave's juice-stained copies of the Beta.

At about the same time, John used the wrinklefucker and Telescopic Sassacrusher to climb to the top of his house, collect unfathomable amounts of grist, and reach the gate. He leaped through it.

Down below, Nannasprite burned the message from the end of Book 1 of this story that you're reading into the old Sassacre text with her laser vision and dropped it into the void.

And then Mr. Orange Guy miraculously revealed that there was a planet below the void where John had been in The Medium. A planet that looked suspiciously like one of the planets that WV had drawn as the background for Can Town. Hmm… was Mr. Orange Guy just being lazy, or was WV a mystic? Probably the former, because the silly creature wrapped up in dusty gray sheets and wearing a sash that said "Mayo" with a "r" at the end probably wasn't wise or mystical in any way whatsoever.

Yup, Mr. Orange Guy had just had all that action take place in 13 two-line paragraphs. Well, pretty much. That was just laziness right there. Or fatigue. Or haste. Probably all three of them in conjunction. He was halfway through his energy reserve, so he needed to finish writing Homestuck quickly. Very quickly!


	25. Book 2 Chapter 9: Intermission Part 1

Chapter 9: Intermission Part 1

The curtain closed on John, Rose, Dave, and Jade, and something happened. The sun and moon switched again, a purple background appeared, and so did some sort of green mansion.

Spades Slick stood just inside the main entrance of the mansion. He was the leader of a notoriously vicious gang of mobsters known as the Midnight Crew. A rival gang known as The Felt had recently knocked over one of his favorite casinos. His long quest of revenge had finally taken him through the front door of mansion belonging to The Felt's loathsome boss, Lord English.

Spades Slick's subordinates (Clubs Deuce, Diamonds Droog, and Hearts Boxcars) had all been dispatched to various locations throughout the mansion to begin carrying out his mission. His objective was to locate and crack English's secret vault, and plunder its mysteries. That was the business end of it, at least. The pleasure would be painting this ugly house red with the blood of those miserable green motherfuckers.

He looked at the timekeeping devices. Stupid gang and their lousy obsession with clocks. The sooner all these idiots stopped being alive the better. He wondered where they were. It was awfully quiet in the mansion, sans all the dreadful ticking. Slick kicked a carriage clock by his foot.

Next, SS (short for Spades Slick, of course) attempted to captchalogue the carriage clock, but he obviously had no idea what that meant. If it was some smartass way of saying to pick it up, forget it. His item slot was already full with his trusty deck of cards. In terms of weapons, the five slots he had were already full as well. He had an idea that was so much better.

He knocked the clocks over and set them on fire.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 4/1000

SS checked under the rug for any possible traps. But what was under the rug was much worse than any trap he could possibly imagine. It was a member of a species that he did not recognize, with a ghastly furry upper lip. He covered the unsightly individual back up and tried to forget it had ever existed.

He decided to play 52 pickup, but he would have needed a deck of cards to play that infernal game. And all he had in this inventory was this war chest, which he deployed on the floor and opened. He rummaged around inside. It was no unusual assortment of belongings, and nothing any mobster worth his salt would be caught plotting and scheming without. Certainly nothing eyebrow raising. Also his vendetta itinerary and heist map.

SS scavenged the war chest for fancy headwear. If there were any elaborate hats in here, he'd eat his haberdasher. But of course there was only a plain and serviceable backup hat identical to the one he was presently wearing, which naturally concealed two licorice scotty dogs. How did he know that he was presently wearing his backup hat and the one he had in his hand was his normal one? He froze where he was, not that he'd been moving in the first place.

Anyway, he attempted to hide inside his chest, but he clearly could not hide properly inside his chest because he could not close it while he was inside. Instead he momentarily pretended it was a really cool automobile that commanded the fear and respect of larcenous adversaries everywhere. BEEP BEEP BEEP! All aboard the idiot wagon!

He wondered if he should check the Crosbytop. At least turn it on. Oh, was that what this thing was? He'd had it for a while, but he didn't quite remember how he'd gotten it. He'd never known the identity of the pipe-smoking creature. Perhaps it could have been the same species as the character he'd just seen under the rug. But he knew that was impossible, because this one did not feature the same bizarre furred lip. They were probably differing species within the same genus.

He turned it on and went on to and spent a few hours reading Homestuck. He watched as John made his way up to the first gate and growled. He'd just wasted a lot of his time reading something that was for little children who pooped hard in their baby ass diapers. Also he didn't understand what the hell was going on or who all these characters were. It was all a lot of nonsense.

He stabbed the time setting on the Crosbytop, destroying it. It had once been 4:13 AM. It was now 0:00 AM.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 5/1000

SS picked up the black spade key from the ground and inspected it. It was a rules card for blackjack. He'd possessed this item for as long as he could remember. He did not yet know its significance, but he could hustle up a mean game of blackjack when he needed to.

He next examined the vendetta itinerary. Upon it were mugshot of everyone he was going to kill. He'd gotten a head start, already having offed Crowbar (**7**), Matchsticks (**11**), and Quarters (**14**), depleting the gang of some its muscle. He still had to watch out for the others, though, and stay wary of their despicable time shenanigans.

Itchy (**1**) had given The Midnight Crew the slip repeatedly. Doze (**2**) he'd captured and interrogated just as repeatedly, to no avail. Trace (**3**) had broken into their secret hideout more times than he could count, while Fin (**5**) always seemed to be a step ahead of them and scooped their heists. Clover (**4**) had all the intel and was highly cooperative. They might need him to crack the vault. He'd certainly be guarded, though. It was always best to avoid Die (**6**) in any direct confrontation unless one wanted a temporal mess on their hands. But if SS needed repairs, he could always get to Stitch (**9**) and "persuade" him. And he might need to if he couldn't kill Sawbuck (**10**) with a clean shot. Eggs (**12**) and Biscuits (**13**) were morons. But they were dangerous morons. Cans (**15**) was a tank and SS's crew would probably need more ammunition than they'd packed to take him down.

In terms of Lord English, no one knew what he look like. But that was about to be corrected. Slick had dibs on English. The leader was all his.

SS wondered where the number 8 mugshot had gone, but he found it on the floor of his chest. It didn't matter anyway, because no one was gonna kill **SN****O****WMAN** (**8**). It was out of the question.

He looked next at the complicated heist map. On review, perhaps his schemes had been a bit convoluted. But he wouldn't have had it any other way. Deuce and Droog had split up to neutralize as many Felt as they could find. His heavy muscle and expert safecracker, Boxcars, was headed straight down to the vault.

Okay. It was time to use his radio to check on his unscrupulous cohorts and get out of there. He put the word out for a status report. No response yet. He cleaned up all his junk, put it back in the chest, and prepared to get the show on the road. He slipped the spade key/rules sheet back in the deck of cards and inventorized it as his war chest. Smooth as clockwork, and every bit as logical.

SS passed through one of the doorways around him into a hallway. Funny, he hadn't heard any commotion or gunplay, but it looked like there'd already been some action in here. Or would be. He could never take tense for granted with those goons.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 13/1000. Apparently.

Oh, wait, it looked like Clubs Deuce was getting back to him on his radio device. He was saying he had Doze tied up for interrogation. SS asked him what else was new. Capturing that guy was like shooting a paralyzed monkey in the face.

The narrative attempted to shift to the point of view of Hearts Boxcars, or HB for short. Except instead, it switched to Clubs Deuce, or CD for short.

Doze remained tight-lipped, so CD dealt him a senseless shin-drubbing with his crook of felony. Oh the humanity. He could barely watch himself do it.

But Doze was probably still using his special ability to slow down time for himself. He couldn't feel a damn thing and certainly wasn't saying anything apart from a very low noise that could have been him saying "ow" very, very slowly.

CD gave up and walked over to the clocks in the back, ready to punch them in their faces to establish chronology. Except he couldn't. All of the clocks were so lovely. He saw no reason to hurt them.

CLOCKS UNHARMED: 987/1000

CD walked back over to where Doze sat, tied in a chair, on his stout but short little legs and began a feeble campaign of psychological warfare, starting by switching their hats. Perhaps compromising Doze's fashion motive was the way to get to him. Nope. It looked like he was still in a weird state of stasis and didn't care at all. Well, either that or it was driving him nuts. Very, very slowly.

Something with a yellow hat flitted by, but CD didn't seem to notice. He was trying to figure out where exactly his war chest was. See, the only thing he had was a simple, unassuming deck of cards (well, along with his five weapons). Why not play solitaire then? Well, see, to play solitaire, one would need a deck of cards. He didn't see a deck of cards. All he saw was his battledrobe and…

Oh no! It was Itchy and it looked like he was all wound up. He untied Doze and quickly swapped everyone's hats around. CD was left with SS's fedora, Doze got his hat back, and Itchy ended up with some kind of cowboy hat which had not been there a second ago.

Doze proceeded to make a fleetfooted getaway. THE CHASE WAS ON!

SS switched the narrative back from HB to himself. Someone had replaced his plain and serviceable hat with a silly and undersized one. An outrage beyond compare. He was sure he knew who the culprit was, though. He could still smell the overly caffeinated blood. Angrily, he smashed another clock.

CLOCKS SHOWN MERCY: 986/1000

SS lifted his leg just a bit and held it in the air. Itchy ran by and… oops. He fell over on his side. SS hefted his horse-headed cane above his head and brought it down with a "crack!"

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 4/15

SS attempted to wear CD's hat over his current one, but he realized Itchy had already switched them such that he was currently wearing CD's. On the floor was Diamonds Droog's hat (DD from now on). SS's own hat was nowhere to be seen, which was exactly why he always kept a backup hat on hand. This son of a bitch on the floor here had just played his last game of musical hats. Soon these lugs would learn to show him some respect. He'd made this town, after all. Hadn't been nothing but a bunch of dust and rocks before he'd gotten here.

SS deployed his chest and swapped the dinky little hat on his head for one more suited to his tastes. And speaking of taste… Oh, thank god. His precious scotty dogs were still here. He didn't know what we would have done without them. He didn't even want to think about it.

Suddenly, Die appeared, making his usual sort of entrance. The nonplussed, vaguely bewildered sort. He had his green 6 hat on and held a voodoo doll with four pins in it in his right hand.

As a cliffhanger, the narrative suddenly shifted to DD. Instead, it shifted to CD. Clubs Deuce had opened his battledrobe in search of his backup hat. He also needed some more rope to tie up Doze again, who was absolutely tearing through the mansion. If CD didn't hurry, perhaps Doze would clear the chair he'd been tied up in within the hour.

But the battledrobe was a huge mess. CD mostly just saw a bunch of bombs and cards. Oh, right, the cards! Except he wasn't sure what was what. He could never remember which card to pick up. He couldn't believe how shitty his memory was. He decided to pick up the *cough cough* deuce of clubs, the card of his namesake. Ah yes, the licorice gummy bears. These needed to be stored for safe-keeping as soon as possible. Finding his backup hat had never been more urgent.

He picked up a bunch of cards and flung them Doze-wards. Didn't accomplish a whole lot, other than put some of his private reading on embarrassing display. Black inches magazine. Licorice "as far as the eye can see."  
Since Deuce was a busy guy, he figured he'd just pick up any old thing and put it on his head. Since he was in a big hurry, he'd assume it was his backup hat. He stood nearby the two remaining cards on the floor. An off-suited king and jack. Well, he wasn't going to stand around jack king off all day, so he grabbed the jack of diamonds. Oh, there was his backup hat. Problem solved, he guessed. He placed the hat on top of the other thing he'd put on his head earlier without even realizing that it was still there.

CD suddenly forgot he was CD and decided to transform into HB, but suddenly remembered that he had been DD all along. DD was currently wearing a yellow hat with the number 1 on it. Whoever had taken his hat was about to discover that he was the unluckiest man on earth. He had better hope that DD found him dead. What DD was going to do to him would be much less painful that way.

He decided to wear his backup hat, but he didn't have it with him. All he had was this deck of… oh wait, he did have his backup hat. It was stashed away in the brawlsoleum. He was the only member of this band of thugs who was civilized enough to keep more than one backup hat, as well as an extensive array of finely tailored suits. The brawlsoleum had seemed like the best storage option for DD's exceptional wardrobe. If there was any sort of better compartment to keep the wardrobe in, he'd have loved to hear it. Also there was a shitload of guns and cards in there too. DD put on a backup hat.

He withdrew his swedish fish from within. Whew. They were there. This was why it was a good idea to store your candy in your backup hat rather than your usual one. The other members of his gang had learned this the hard way and were finally starting to catch on.

Suddenly he got coldcocked in the face from the future. He swung his cue stick around a bit before realizing that if he had gotten hit from the future, and he couldn't time travel, he couldn't possibly hit back. But he'd know the knuckles belonging to that suckerpunch anywhere.

Trace, Felt number 3, always knew where he'd been. The spineless rat liked to follow DD's past trail around and mess with him. Trouble was, whenever he did, he let them know exactly where he was going to be in the future. This time they'd be ready for the green bastard. DD radioed Deuce for backup. Gave him a time and a place, and exactly what path through the mansion to take.

There was a trail of blood on the stairs where Droog stood. He didn't know, however, whether the guy had gone up the stairs, or come down. Or who had wounded him, and when. Might have even been himself, for all the black carapacian knew. But he couldn't overthink this time stuff. He went with his gut and headed upstairs, following the trail of blood. He didn't notice the mysterious hand sticking out of a blue portal in one of the clocks.

After having given a quick 10-4 over the radio, CD took another look at the prisoner. Doze had certainly lucked out this time. It looked like round two of Deuce's brutal interrogation would have to wait. The carapacian hadn't been able to find any rope, so he'd tied up the prisoner with a stretch armstrong doll which he'd happened to have lying around. He didn't remember how he'd gotten it. It looked sort of dumb, but it would have to do.

Okay. It was time to hit the road. CD beat his hostage into the back of his battledrome with his bull penis cane. Wait. This was a bull penis cane? AH! He flipped the fuck out over the apparent fact that this was a bull penis cane.

Meanwhile, running roughly parallel with present events, Itchy and Die decided to play a game of cards. Die had two aces while Itchy had two kings. Suddenly, an ace of hearts on the table was replaced with a king of clubs. Die grit his teeth and held Itchy's pin closer to the voodoo doll. Itchy always cheated. But he'd always cheated for the last time. Die decided to jump to a timeline where Itchy was dead.

Well then, it looked like Itchy had gotten what he'd deserved. But, uh… as usual, Die found himself in a bit of a predicament. He was staring face to face with Spades Slick, the leader of the infamous and highly dangerous Midnight Crew.

Spades befriended Die and introduced his cast iron horse hitcher to his new friend. "Hello. How do you do?" he snarled mockingly. Die twitched on the ground. But Die wasn't dead. Not just yet. He pulled a pin out from his pocket. It had a spade symbol on the end, corresponding to SS. Die stuck it into the voodoo doll. He disappeared and rematerialized in a barren, alien landscape.

Slick had _made_ this town, just like he'd said before. _Very_ literally. The town without Slick was like Die without his voodoo doll. He was its defining factor!

And, anyway, back to the Midnight Crew, the perspective shifted from fake HB to not HB at all and then right back to real HB. Hearts Boxcars had made his way to The Felt's secret vault. It was certainly bigger than he'd been expecting. He doubted he would be able to rely on his usual safe-cracking method, which was prying it from the wall with his bare hands. He'd have to think of something else…

HB did a silly dance. That was absolutely the most ridiculous thing he could have chosen to do right now. I mean come on. It was time to take a closer look at the safe… no, seriously, stop that.

He stopped and thought about the conundrum for a bit. What about… prying the wall from the safe! Oh, come on! That notion was even more ridiculous than the last one. Wait who was he kidding? No it wasn't. It looked like the combination to the safe was entered via the hands of the clock. And he somehow doubted spinning the hands around manually was going to cut it. Knowing these guys, he'd have to alter the flow of time itself to make it work.

Which of course was bullshit. He'd just blow it up instead. Time to get Deuce on the radio. He deployed his wrathtub and retrieved his pair of wax lips from his backup hat. If anyone was to try to steal HB's wax lips, he would eat their eyeballs and deliver an angry lecture into their empty eye sockets. Boxcars looked over at Red Cheeks magazine. Just looking at it gave him heart palpitations. Literature for avid cardioficionados such as himself. Those burgeoning red humps… that mischievous red tail… the snug, welcoming cleft… the saucy imagery was hard to beat. Harder than what he was beating inside his chest now. His heart was what he was beating. He beat it to Red Cheeks magazine pretty regularly, he'd say.

He radioed Deuce on the 10-4 cards, letting the other carapacian know that he needed a powdermonkey on the double. And then he heard ticking. And it wasn't coming from the big vault clock above. He hoped it wasn't what he thought it was.

Oh no. Oh god! It was Biscuits! His oven timer was ticking. This was no good.

There was a "Bzzzzz" and… ugh, there he was. This idiot thought his special oven transported him into the future by the amount he set on the timer. Well, he was sort of right. But in reality all that was happening was that he hiding in there until the timer was up, and then popping out. HB guessed Biscuits was relatively harmless if he was alone. Boxcars could take him. What he really had to worry about was if the green creature teamed up with… oh no. That ringing. That godawful ringing. He could hear it. Eggs and his timer appeared before Hearts Boxcars. Son of a fuck! HB might as well have gone and grabbed one of his axes to kill himself now.


	26. Book 2 Chapter 10: Intermission Part 2

Chapter 10: Intermission Part 2

In the future, CD had already followed the path through the mansion that Droog had told him to. At about the same time… well, not really, but in the same area, Trace followed Droog's past trail even further back, but found a much fresher trail crossing the path. It looked like this little guy was talking on the radio. Something about how he'd be right there as soon as he gave Droog a hand. Trace decided to trace this little guy for a while, see what he was up to. And then mess with him of course.

In the present… well, relatively speaking, CD spoke to HB over the radio. Something about how he'd be right there as soon as he gave Droog a hand.

The trail of blood ended in a small little room. Or originated. Whatever. Something had gone down here in the past, DD reckoned. Or… was about to go down in the future? You know what, never mind. The clocks around the room were covered in bullet holes.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 21/1000. Apparently.

Hang on. There was a tooth on the floor here. DD knew that tooth. He'd felt its bite before. Fin had been here. And judging by the forensics of the scene, the angle that the tooth had hit the floor at, the direction of the blood spatters, and how dry the blood was, DD thought he knew _exactly_ what Fin was about to pull. Or, more specifically, what he was about to already have pulled.

Fin always knew where Droog was going. He'd followed the gang member's future trail here. He liked to mess with people from the past. Trouble was that when he did, it tipped them off to where he'd been. This time the carapacian was ready. Wait for it. Wait… Now! DD struck out with his cue stick and knocked Fin on the shoulder.

He then took out his gun and shot Fin in the past. Predestined bullet holes were convenient. They gave him something to aim for. Fin dragged himself out of the room and down the stairs, a trail of blood following after him. He also shot every single clock in the room again.

CLOCKS REDESTROYED: 7/21

Fin made his way down the stairs. He watched as Droog of the future stabbed around wildly with his cue stick, probably searching for Trace. But DD clearly didn't find Trace. The black carapacian turned to the left and followed Fin's super-past blood trail up the stairs.

SS decided to rematerialize, but then realized that that didn't make sense. He'd never gone anywhere in the first place. He stood where he had been standing, between Itchy's dead body and Die before the member of The Felt had stabbed a pin into his voodoo doll and disappeared.

Die, standing on the undeveloped planet in the alternate timeline without SS, realized there was a cost to settling a score with Slick this way. The cost was having to live in a desert amidst the ruins of a dead civilization all his life. He thought that was stupid, so he pulled SS's pin out.

He rematerialized in front of Slick, where the carapacian had been waiting. SS sliced Die's neck with his knife and took the voodoo doll, effectively helping the moron live up to his name. Die died.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 5/15

Slick opened his war chest and crossed off the image of Die. He also stuck Die's pin in the voodoo doll for good measure. He might as well keep track of everyone he'd offed this way too. Not that he intended to abuse its power to settle his score. What was the point if he wasn't going to get his hands dirty?

Still, it might come in handy down the road. Lord English was supposedly indestructible. He was rumored to be killable only through a number of glitches and exploits in spacetime. The doll may ultimately help SS work the system if it came to that.

SS knocked the eight clocks in the room onto the dead bodies of Itchy and Die. The pile of torsos and timepieces burned.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 29/1000

DD considered following the trail of blood to Fin and FINishing him off, but the problem with that was, Fin would just see Droog's future trail following him, and that would be nothing but a loud invitation for the member of The Felt to mess with him some more.

Besides, it was better to leave him alive. DD thought he knew where Fin would lead him. He just had to be a little more subtle about tracing Fin's blood trail. Keep his future trail out of Fin's sight.

The narrative attempted to switch back to HB from SS, but SS could not switch to HB because the narrative was still DD's and he was switching to CD's point of view.

Deuce watched as Trace threw a punch into thin air for some reason. That guy was awfully silly! Number 3 then skulked off somewhere. CD didn't realize that he'd been following Droog's past trail through the mansion until he got to the point where it intersected with Deuce's own trail, at which point he'd start following him.

But everyone else besides CD realized it. Because it was obvious and couldn't possibly have been more clear.

CD followed Droog's simple instructions. So simple even a forgetful nincompoop like Deuce could remember. He left Doze, tied up with the doll, in the middle of Trace's past trail. There was a blood trail on the ground that went in a completely different direction than Trace had gone. CD decided to follow it, because that sounded like a really good idea to him. If there was something he was supposed to have done after helping Droog, he'd be damned if he could remember what it was.

Trace caught up to where CD had been. But CD was already gone. All that Felt number 3 could see was the long, gross rubbery arm of CD's past trail stretching throughout the room. He found his comrade tied up with the stretchy rubber arms of a small man. But there was nothing gross or unpalatable about that in the least. Doze unslowed himself and started muttering something about his hat rather feverishly. Trace wondered at his friend's odd behavior. Doze pointed at his blue number 2 hat and began to whine. Trace removed it and saw, underneath, a bomb with a timer. So that was what CD had been doing. The explosion burst through the side of the mansion, destroying at least a tenth of the building. Trace and Doze were taken with the explosion, blasted into a million pieces.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 7/15

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 109/1000

That left only Clover, Fin, Stitch, Sawbuck, Eggs and Biscuits, Cans, and, of course, Lord English.

The bloodied Fin made his way through the mansion to get some help. He wondered where that little guy was going. Deuce's future trail was headed in the same direction he was headed, by sheer coincidence. Fin decided to follow him for a bit, keep an eye on him. For as long as Deuce's path matched his, that was. There was pretty much no chance they were headed to the same place though. That would have been statistically improbable.

He had no idea what those other goons, Trace and Doze, were up to here. Funny, their future trails ended here. He wasn't going to stick around long enough to find out why. He was a bit too woozy from the blood loss to sort out this mess anyway.

It was uncanny! This little guy was matching Fin's route every step of the way. HE MUST KNOW SOMETHING! Fin decided that he had to take Deuce out. He lifted his gun.

But… he couldn't get a clear shot. He was too dizzy, and with all that C4 under CD's hat, firing would have been a bad idea. MY GOD HE'D THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING! Fin was clearly dealing with a criminal mastermind here.

CD strayed off the trail and stopped to admire a gorgeous clock. It was so pretty. Too bad it wasn't ticking like so many of the clocks in this place. Not that he could blame The Felt. There were so many clocks in the mansion it would obviously have been impractical to make sure they all worked properly. Oh look. A trail of blood. He thought he'd start following it.

HB stood amidst a sea of Biscuits's and Eggs's, wasting exactly four hours on this tom foolery. He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated it!

Above, a spectator had appeared at the strike of 4 and had been giggling at Boxcar's foolishness for a number of minutes. Clover would have been tickled to help HB open the vault! At the cost of answering a few of the member of The Felt's clever time riddles, needless to say.

If only HB had thought to seek Clover's help first, rather than charging like the silly brute he was into this deadly trap of stable and not-so stable time loops. Mostly unstable, really. These guys were way too dumb to maintain even elementary looping stability for more than a couple iterations. If HB hadn't been so preoccupied, Clover would have been able to tell him that he could have used Crowbar's help to pry anything out of a time loop, stable or unstable. Well, if the carapacian hadn't been so preoccupied, and Crowbar hadn't been so dead! Hee hee hee!

Stitch muttered to himself in his shop. He guessed that Eggs and Biscuits were roughhousing again, because the fabric of spacetime was tearing something fierce on Lord English's Cairo Overcoat. This sort of thing was exactly why their leader kept a backup coat, and always left Stitch with one of them.

Any gang did well to have an in-house doctor on hand, but if one dealt in time travel they'd better have a damn good tailor too.

Hearts Boxcars called Spades Slick for backup. "Get your scrawny ass to the vault!" He growled. "It's goddamn bedlam down here! I asked Deuce for backup but, surprise surprise, he's nowhere to be found!"

"Yup," Spades replied.

"Big surprise," HB reiterated. "That was sarcasm, by the way."

"I know," SS said, annoyed. "I'll be right there, Boxcars. I'm gonna go see if I can round up Droog for support."

"Got it," HB said. Eggs and Biscuits and Eggs and Biscuits and Eggs and Biscuits and all of the other Eggs and Biscuits continued to be rambunctious.

"Hey Droog," SS called his subordinate. "I need you to come down to the vault. Boxcars got his ass stuck in a pile of eggs and biscuits."

"Right," Diamonds Droog replied after a second. "Sorry, Deuce is tailing Fin and I'm tailing Deuce so he doesn't get into trouble as usual. I'll be there to help out Boxcars as soon as Deuce and I take care of business with Stitch. Couldn't be simpler."

"Got it," SS said.

"Oh yeah, by the way, I pumped Fin full of lead so you can cross him off the list."

"Roger that," Slick said, and turned off the radio.

Fin burst into Stitch's workshop. "Watch out… out for the little guy… he's about to… no, he already… no, he's going to come in here in the future and…"

"Calm down, Fin," Stitch said soothingly, but the green man continued to blubber.

"Watch out for the little guy to come in… he has a bomb… on his face… no, on his head, or he will… it's undoubtedly quite volatile… so, watch out for him with the bomb… because even the smallest spark could… could set it off."

Fin was clearly in pretty bad shape. Stitch checked the other's effigy to confirm. Yup. Sure enough, the thing was in tatters. But he should be just fine if it could be patched up before he bled to… death? Fin collapsed onto the ground and the effigy turned completely gray.

Slick stuck the orange pin into Die's voodoo doll and crossed Fin's image off the vendetta itinerary.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 8/15

Deuce burst into Stitch's workshop. "Everybody out of the god damn way!" He cried. He had a hat full of bomb, a fist full of bull penis, and a head full of empty.

Stitch cocked the gun pointed at CD's forehead. "Drop the livestock bomb and settle the hell down. You do realize that C4 is a stable explosive and won't detonate with gunfire, right?" The blood drained out of Deuce's face.

"Oh," he said quietly.

"Drop it and get in," said a voice from behind Stitch. DD stood there, a similar gun pointed directly at Stitch's heart. "And don't bleed on the suits."

"Huh?" Stitch asked, clearly confused.

Droog deployed the brawlsoleum and stuffed Stitch inside. He admitted that the thought of carrying an imprisoned tailor wherever he went was gratifying for personal reasons, but in this case, keeping Stitch alive would be useful in dealing with English later.

HB prodded the idiots with Red Cheeks magazine. Predictably, this accomplished nothing, and taking his smut out of hiding turned out to be a very bad idea. Suddenly, copies from the future were appearing left and right and these clowns had their claws all over it. "Slick, where the hell are you!?" He shouted into his radio device.

Slick removed Crowbar's pin from the voodoo doll and suddenly, a whole bunch of stuff was different. Crowbar, Stitch, Sawbuck, and a couple of others faced the Midnight Crew. Both groups shot at each other, ducked behind crates in some kind of warehouse. SS had forgotten that The Felt almost seemed halfway competent when Crowbar was running the show. The good news was that Slick got to kill him again.

He looked down at Snowman's pin and thought about inserting it and quickly removing it. You have no idea how much he wanted to. But even he wasn't that crazy. Still, kinda tempting.

Suddenly, a carapacian with a glowing green coat and a black hat with a white circle in it appeared. The circle had an 8 in it. Snowman.

She held her cigarette to the side as she walked down the steps to the center of the battle. Everyone ceased fire.

"Hold still, Slick," she said. "There's something in your eye." She took the cigarette out of its holder and jammed the metal piece in SS's eye, scratching a line down the side of his face in the process. He howled in pain and grimaced as Snowman popped the cigarette in her mouth, took a puff, and walked away.

Everyone always stopped shooting when Snowman was around. If you killed her you destroyed the universe.

Slick pulled the cigarette holder out of his eye. All he knew was that Snowman was going to have a hell of a time getting it back.

He chucked it at Sawbuck, but of course it was only a fleshwound. Seemed like the only sort of wound he could ever inflict on the corpulent lummox. As a consequence of the injury, both of them jumped to a random point on the timeline. This looked to be in the recent past, when Stitch and Crowbar were setting up the crates for the imminent gunfight. Which was very thoughtful of them. Slick's goons would be showing up any minute now with the heavy firepower. For now he'd gotten the drop on everybody. A mysterious hand appeared, sticking out of a portal on the wall. It disappeared just as quickly, however.

In his surprise and confusion, and also in Spades Slick's rage and frustration, Stitch got the business end of SS's saber rattle. He was dead. In this timeline at least.

SS pushed Sawbuck to the side. "Where do you think you're going, fatty?" He asked. He'd deal with Sawbuck in a minute. He whipped out his double edged sword and Occam's Razor and turned on Crowbar. Crowbar stood and slowly raised his crowbar. SS flung the king of spades, also known as Occam's Razor, at Crowbar. Crowbar deflected it with his crowbar, knocking it into Sawbuck's unmissable carriage. Everyone jumped far into the past, back before the creation of their town.

Years in the past, which is to say the present for the time being, a Scurrilous Straggler, wrapped in sheets which bore the emblem of a playing card spade, eyed an impromptu desert skirmish. He dismissed the three fighters as a bunch of ill-mannered rogues warranting now further investigation. Although he did give a small nod of approval to the plain and serviceable hat worn by one of the combatants, a carapacian like the Straggler himself, which struck him as an absolutely smashing display of good fashion sense.

At the same time, in the same place, SS, wearing his backup fedora, hit Crowbar in the head with his horse-headed cane, knocking him to the ground. He couldn't kill the member of The Felt just yet, though. Slick needed him to return to the original timeline. He would be taking that crowbar, though. SS stuffed Crowbar into his deck of cards.

Sawbuck he needed to keep alive too, for the moment. Not to return to the right timeline, but the right time. Speaking which, where did tubby think he was wandering off to? SS walked up to Sawbuck and treated him to a bit of the old "bait and switchblade," turning the card into his knife at just the right time.

They appeared in the future, in the warehouse after the gunfight was over. Well, the gunfight that had never taken place since Slick had killed/kidnapped everyone who was supposed to have been involved. It looked like only Boxcars was here.

Slick picked up Sawbuck and carried him like Titan Atlas carried the world over to where HB stood. He ordered his subordinate to deploy his wrathtub before the fat lard put him in a wheelchair. If he took Sawbuck back to his own time and killed him there, that would save him the trouble of hunting Sawbuck down. Might as well take Stitch too. Maybe. He wasn't really sure that was how it worked. He didn't really care though. Best case scenario, he got to kill them both twice.

He dumped the injured Sawbuck into the tub, then stuck the tub in his own deck of cards. But he gave Boxcars back his sordid literature, which the idiot had carelessly left in plain sight. No one would ever catch SS leaving his smut around. And even if someone did, that copy of Terrier Fancy magazine could have belonged to anyone. They couldn't prove nothin'.

Slick stuck Crowbar's pin back into Die's voodoo doll and returned to his original timeline.


	27. Book 2 Chapter 11: Intermission Part 3

Chapter 11: Intermission Part 3

Spades Slick stood once more in his timeline. The room he was in was covered in blood and destroyed clocks, which was odd because he couldn't remember ever fighting anyone here. But now, stuffed in his chest, he had a live Crowbar from another timeline. Brought back to a timeline where he was supposed to be dead… so SS guessed now he was alive again in this timeline, which was in part defined by his death? Ok, whatever. He should probably just kill Crowbar again anyway.

Also, Sawbuck from another timeline was in his war chest too, lying inside alternate HB's wrathtub. So… he figured now there were two Sawbucks? This was getting kind of dumb.

He opened the chest, releasing both of them as well as the dead Stitch. Crowbar held a gun in one shaking hand. He didn't look too pleased.

SS deflected Crowbar's gunfire with his horse-headed cane, knocking the bullets into the awesome gravitational pull of Sawbuck's astonishing girth. Sawbuck was injured once more, sending everyone back into the past.

Slick dodged Crowbar's next round too and Sawbuck and Crowbar shot at each other, sending them both flying through time again. But Sawbuck, still injured, still stood next to him… It seemed that the Sawbuck from this timeline (i.e. the "real" Sawbuck) had been in the room at this point in time. Slick had jumped out of the way and real Sawbuck and Crowbar went back in time. They no doubt went on to spend the rest of their ammunition peppering each other throughout the timeline, destroying all these clocks in the process between now and the present. That explained the mess in the room when he'd come here. Thank God he'd figured that out. He'd have surely lost sleep over it.

CLOCKS REDESTROYED: 20/107 Well, clocks redestroyed for the first time. Well, for the first time eventually… you know what, never mind.

Um, he had to think up a good time-based one-liner before he killed Sawbuck. Okay, he thought he had one.

"You know, Sawbuck," SS said villainously, "time travel sure can be a…" He stabbed Sawbuck through the stomach and they were both transported into the future. Sawbuck still wasn't dead. "...double edged sword!" Wait, that was awful. Really really bad. He was sure he could do better than that.

"Let's see… _sorry to_… no… _time's running_… no wait… fuck." Slick from the past, unscarred and holding Die's voodoo doll, appeared in front of him. "Give me a bit of help here," Slick from the present/future said.

"_Time's_… something about time," Past Spades Slick brainstormed.

"Something about… time being up? No wait, how about a clock pun?" Future Slick suggested.

"No, dammit," Past Slick said. "Will you just listen? I was almost onto something there. _Time… Time is…_"

"Screw this. Too many cooks in the kitchen," Future Slick said, hefting his dagger. "Say, just what does this quivering mound of blubber think he is up to?"

Just as Future SS began to hear Past SS ask him what had happened to his eye, he jabbed Sawbuck with his butterfly effect knife. He remembered a little while ago asking himself about his eye, and then not giving an answer before disappearing. Maybe if he'd stopped and thought about it for a second, he could have warned his past self and avoided this whole mess, albeit in the process of making a paradox. But Slick's own strict policy of stabbing first and answering questions later had prevented it. He was sure his past self understood (or had understood, depending on the perspective). He was sure of this because he very clearly remembered understanding/understooding.

Suddenly, the narrative shifted again to Past Spades Slick (PSS). He was just about to pull Crowbar's pin. He guessed that all that stuff with his future self and Sawbuck had originally happened in this room while the narrative was following someone else, like Diamonds Droog or something. That made sense.

He pulled the pin and a whole bunch of shit happened that we already saw. If you'd like to see what happened next, just go back a few pages and read it all again.

However, watching Slick's future self was a lot more constructive because SS got to do stuff he hadn't already done. He stabbed Sawbuck with the butterfly effect knife and was transported away from PSS and into the future. It was a bloody mess in here. The clocks were more bullet-riddled than ever.

It seemed that Crowbar and both Sawbucks had been decapitated… well, two of three Sawbucks. The one he was currently in the process of killing still wasn't dead. He wondered briefly where/when the third Sawbuck had come from. Whatever the case, he was almost certain that he already was, or would be, responsible for all of this. Which of course meant more time-traveling.

It looked like the wrathtub and war chest were gone, which meant that Future Spades Slick (FSS) had packed up and left already. He had to take note of these sorts of things so he knew where he was in the timeline.

Over on the far wall, one of the clocks that hadn't been destroyed before was now bloodied and full of holes. Not especially noteworthy, but he had a feeling he should register the fact.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 108/1000

SS pried Snowman's cigarette holder out of Sawbuck's torso. Whoops, another time jump. Sawbuck reached for his gun again. He had to settle his big ass down. Slick really wanted to incapacitate him without inflicting another wound.

SS grabbed hold of Occam's Razor, which was jammed into Sawbuck's head, and was about to shove it deeper when he noticed the clock on the wall. It hadn't been destroyed yet. But it was about to be. It was ticking down to the time it'd been stuck on in the future, which was almost exactly 4:00. It was currently about 3:45. Maybe if Spades timed it just right, he could end this whole mess in one fell slice.

He'd even figured out an ice-cold one-liner to dish out when the time came. He'd been working pretty hard on it. "Wait for it… wait for it… now. _Hate to cut and_… Wait, no. Not yet. _Hate to…_ no. Wait. _Hate to cut and _DAMMIT! Not yet! _Hate to cut and…_ shit. _Hate to… hate to…"_

Suddenly, real Sawbuck and Crowbar, both covered in blood and full of bullet holes, appeared.

"Hate to chop all of your heads off with this sword. Real sorry about that. My bad." Slick slew all three of them with his rapier wit. Okay, so that explained the triple Sawbuck phenomenon. There was "real" Sawbuck, Sawbuck he'd been harming the whole time and had just killed, and that same latter Sawbuck, but just in the past.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 9/15

GREEN TORSOS DEADENED TWICE: 2/15

GREEN TORSOS DEAD FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT IT WAS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE TORSO, SO MAYBE IT DIDN'T COUNT: 1/15

CLOCKS GRATUITOUSLY REDESTROYED: 7/108

SS grabbed the tub and chest and moved on. That was altogether enough of this nonsense! Oh wait, Diamonds was calling him.  
"Yeah, Droog?" He asked.

"Just checking up on you. What's been going on?" DD asked.

"Oh, well I killed Crowbar again, Sawbuck twice, and Stitch once," Slick explained.

"Was it an alternate timeline Stitch?" Droog asked.

"I guess so."

"That doesn't count, but I've got the real one here."

Slick muttered some foul language that DD couldn't really make out.

"Never mind," Droog said. "Just hurry down and meet me at the vault."

"Oh, by the way, I took some damage from Snowman."

"Yeah, I know," Droog said. "We're having Stitch make some effigies of ourselves using our backup hats. Deuce brought yours, which he ended up with somehow. It's crumpled, but it should work. Not sure what happened to his, but whatever. And Boxcars is obviously tied up at the moment, so I can't get my hands on his yet."

"I've got both their hats here. I'll be down there ASAP."

"Alright. See ya."

"Yeah. In the meantime, see what you can get Stitch to do about this eye."

DD nudged Stitch with his gun. "Get to work, threadmonkey," he said. The tailor reluctantly began to use his needle to stitch the gash in Slick's eye back together.

No! Dammit! SS had been facing the wrong way. The effigy was incorrect! Slick's right eye remained bloody and cut while his left eye sported a new patch. Stitch had patched the wrong side!

"Undo this right now, Droog!" He yelled into the radio, fuming. "Wait until I'm turned around next time."

"It's your right eye, right?" DD asked. He seemed confused. "Were you facing left or right when Stitch patched you up?"

"It's only my right eye when I'm facing left," SS said. "It's the left eye when I'm facing right. The effigy is backwards relative to how I'm standing."

There was silence on the other end, and then: "Oh, so it's the left-right eye."

"Yeah," Slick said. "But hang on a minute. I'll turn around so it's the right-left."

"Okay, I'll wait."

Stitch undid and redid the patch, the former action while Spades faced left, and the latter while Spades faced right. There we go. That was better.

SS wondered about the remaining few members of The Felt. There was Clover and Eggs and Biscuits (HB was still dealing with the three of them), English, of course, Stitch (sort of), and Cans. Ah, Cans. None of his weapons would be any good against the giant goon if he were to show up. He admired the lance for a moment (that was to say, the cigarette holder). It was a pretty sweet weapon with outstanding craftsmanship. At least he'd gotten something out of the eye-gouging. Snowman would have to pry this thing from his rigid, severed arm if she wanted it back.

Slick placed the horse-headed cane between his legs, held the lance in front of him, and pretended to joust.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOHSHIT.

Snowman appeared in the window, watching him carefully. She looked simultaneously disappointed and furious. And then, just as quickly, she disappeared.

SS threw down his hat in disgust. He just couldn't believe she'd seen him horsing around like that. He would never live this down.

Droog considered shooting up all of the effigies of Biscuits and Eggs, but Stitch kept them all in a warehouse several miles away because of the duo's ridiculous duplication tendencies. And they were sure as hell not going to drive all the way over there, so DD and CD just shot at them in person. After all, they were down by the vault.

But that had been such an unbelievably terrible idea because the duo and their duplicates swarmed Droog and Deuce, ensconcing them in the time mischief. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in one of Eggs' faces, but no one noticed. Everyone was way too busy with the craziness of 12, 13, and Red Cheeks magazine. DD shunned the obscene literature.

In the meantime, Stitch picked up a lighter and held it to the Midnight Crew effigies. Except Spades Slick arrived in time to stab the tailor through the chest with the lance that was also a cigarette holder. This was incredibly delirious biznasty!

In the present, Doze and Trace finally exploded (that event had always been in the future). But now, Stitch was actually dead too, leaving only four of The Felt plus Lord English.

Slick began to whack things with Crowbar's crowbar, starting with Egg's egg timer. He did this because he knew that Crowbar's crowbar would destroy any temporal artifact and completely negate its effect on the timeline. Finally, only one Eggs and one Biscuits were left.

HB attempted to eat Eggs. The attempt was an overwhelming success, leaving Eggs with his head chewed off. Biscuits began to look a tad snug in his muffin tray. He thought it was about time to poke a broomstraw in this battle. His dough would live to rise another day.

"See you in the future, suckers!" the green imbecile cried, and leaped into his oven.

SS dealt the oven a wicked flogging, but not much happened. The oven didn't really have any magical time properties to be negated. It just traveled into the future at a rate of one second per second, like everyone else.

CD put some dynamite in the oven, setting it to go off in a few seconds, when both it and Biscuits would be released from the oven in a couple of hours. Deuce tried to turn up the heat on the oven, but it didn't seem to actually work at all. He just wheeled it off somewhere else in the mansion so it could explode in peace.

Sometime into the future, it exploded, killing Biscuits.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 12/15

PROBABLY SOME MORE CLOCKS DESTROYED TOO

Since Slick's expert safecracker had apparently spent the last five or six hours being totally useless down here, SS figured it was time to take matters into his own hands. Huh? What was Clover doing here? And what was he so worked up about?

"Please reconsider!" Clover said. "Using that crowbar to pry open the vault would be ever so much bad luck! Like breaking a thousand mirrors all at once! The sort of mirrors that tick and have numbers and tell time and stuff. That is the worst kind of mirror to break, luckwise."

"Please stay calm," Slick said politely, but Clover refused outright. He began to do a really frisky jig!

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

He began spinning a fanciful series of riddles illuminating the true path to opening the vault. Mysterious music filled SS's ears as his mind assumed the shape of a pretzel.

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

This is how the music would sound if we were listening to it right now.

Slick held a gun to Clover's head and ask him for the answer to the ultimate riddle: how to open the safe.

"What's this? Hee hee!" Clover laughed. "You think you can shoot me? I am so lucky the gun will probably jam or something predictable like that. Nice try though!"

Spades snarled and tucked the gun away. He proceeded to hit Clover with a newspaper instead. You didn't have to be all that unlucky to get whacked around with a newspaper. It was sort of a gray area. And speaking of gray areas, this wasn't a real newspaper. It was just a wrapper for his private sordid literature, which no one could ever see. Uh oh, it was slipping out a bit. His appetite for monochrome beauties and gray puns was nearly on public display. He had to keep a lid on that smut! Especially with Clover around.

Suddenly the whole vault room was shaking. SS dropped the newspaper and stepped back. He wondered what it could be. It sounded suspiciously like Cans was about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style. He prayed to god it wasn't Cans about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style. In the meantime, Clover ogled at the Gray Ladies newspaper.

All of a sudden, the burly and gigantic Cans plowed through the wall Kool-Aid Man style. DD resisted the urge to shout "oh yeah!" and instead shouted "oh no!" when Cans smashed into him.

Droog flew through time and landed in next week. He found himself going about his business a week later. It looked like he was doing a little grocery shopping. He was a bit confused, having no memory of the previous week. He had no idea what was on his grocery list. Was he out of milk? What kind of produce did he need to stock up on? It was all a little overwhelming, and, to make matters worse, the selection had too many … PRICES and VAULES

COMIC #11: ok put the can down dude... haha, unbealievible

Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff goes shoping (in "SBahHJ go shopping")

Entr Geromy

Sweet Bro: not all the cans are the same

Sweet Bro: what's the differance

Sweet Bro: the selection has too many …. PRICES and VAULES

Sweet Bro: gog DAMN

Sweet Bro: its like….. who NEEDS this fuckeng bullshit

Sweet Bro: it is sooooo INFUUUUURIATING, shit, whare's the manager

Hella Jeff: and there he goes

Hella Jeff: and now. the police are invovled. jesus chris

Hella Jeff: AHAHAHA omfg

Hella Jeff: i cant BELIEVE what he made take place

Hearts Boxcars flailed Eggs' dead torso Cans-ward in an attempt to placate him with the red meat. It didn't work! Instead, Cans clocked Boxcars entirely out of the current calendar year. He landed in an entirely different outdated calendar.

It looked like this one was themed with spirited horses. He'd be up to his ass in horses for a whole year. Just great, this was just what he needed to be doing. Farmin' all these goddamn horses. Fuckin' pain in the ass.

Slick didn't care what the consequences were. He was going to crack open this safe and be done with it. This whole intermission was starting to get a little punchy anyway. He picked up the crowbar and wedged it inside the door, pulling at the vault. The whole thing began to crackle with purple electricity.

The massive release of temporal distortion from the vault transported SS to a highly unfavorable timeline. It looked like the entire mansion had been leveled, except for the vault and its enclosure. Everyone was dead except for him, English, and you-know-who.

But at least the safe was open.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 1000/1000

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 14/15

BLACK SCOFFLAWS OFFED: 3/4

Spades entered the vault. There was nothing inside but an opening in the floor. There was a door with a keyhole in the opening, and he had a feeling he knew how to open it. He only wondered why English's treasure was locked behind a door with a spade on it.

He guessed this was what the spade key had been for all along. He dramatically wielded it in a matter of fact manner.

He tried to peek inside the keyhole, but there had never been a keyhole. It had clearly been a barcode scanner all along. Like the kind they swept groceries over at supermarkets. That reminded him, he really should do some shopping next week. In any case, he wasn't going to peek inside because the lasers could blind him in one eye. OH WAIT

Anyway, there had never been a problem because there was clearly a barcode printed on his rules card for blackjack. As well as on his arm. But there was nothing wrong with a little redundancy, he guessed.

But before he could scan the rules card, a hole was shot through it. Huh? SS turned around. Snowman stood at the entrance to the vault, holding a smoking gun in one hand and a whip in the other.

Slick held up the lance. "Oh, are you looking for this? Well, come and get it, you contemptuous she-witch!"

The end of Snowman's whip flew towards SS. Her Black Inches had no doubt been responsible for more than a few Red Cheeks. The whip wrapped itself around his arm and tugged until the appendage was torn off at the shoulder.

Snowman pulled Slick's arm into her hand, snapped her fingers, and disappeared. The door to the vault closed with a slam.

Slick held his arm over the scanner before realizing that his arm was no longer there. Oh right. That was why Snowman had shot the card and ripped off his arm. He had no more codes to scan. He leaned over the scanner so it scanned the wrinkles in his carapacian forehead. It didn't work.

He flipped himself turn-ways and scanned himself with the scanner. Miraculously it worked. The hatch opened, revealing a tube with a spirograph top. He pulled off the lid and descended into the darkness.

In the hatch was a room with a console with it. The console had twelve screens, one of which displayed some kind of gray guy standing in a room with a white crab thing behind him and some captchalogue cards on the floor. Slick recognized him immediately. Oh, it had been a long time.

"hey kid", Slick typed.

yeah you

The gray kid on the screen looked around to see where the voice was coming from.

CG boggled vacantly at these shenanigans. It began to dawn on him that everything he was about to do may prove to have been a colossal waste of time.

END INTERMISSION

It was time to end the intermission. Mr. Orange Guy wiped the sweat from his brow and shook his head. He had only an hour left to finish Homestuck and wrap up any excess tangential plots, so it was time to get back to the main story.


	28. Book 2 Chapter 12: LOWAS

Chapter 12: LOWAS

John leaped through the first gate and arrived in the Land of Wind and Shade, commonly abbreviated to LOWAS. He smashed an odd-looking shale imp that was in front of him into some grist. The imp had what looked like mini tentacles sticking out from its chin. _That's odd_, he thought.

Suddenly, a voice appeared in his head. Except this time it was different. It wasn't a commanding voice like before, nor excessively polite. "I am told your name is John. Is that correct?"

Yep. That was certainly right.

"It's nice to meet you, John." Look, voice, John isn't directly cognizant of your greeting. He can hear you, but doesn't truly listen. I'm sure he'd feel likewise, though.

"Ok, John. Let's explore this place!" Ok, have at it!

John looked around, taking everything in, for the first time since he'd arrived. Blue-ish rocks sat covered in mushrooms, gems, and odd glowing green trees. He walked to his left and arrived at the ghost hands, holding the Telescopic Sassacrusher.

"What in blue blazes is this absurd looking thing?" He'd deactivated the ghost gauntlets for the time being. It got pretty distracting flailing them around all the time when all he was trying to do was explore.

He continued walking along the odd cobblestone path that didn't really seem to lead anywhere and found a blue imp. Hmm… that was new. He filled his mangrit vial to the max and smashed the blue imp into some grist. Ooh! What was that over there?

"How exciting! A parcel for you. Retrieve it!" He opened the top of a mailbox-like tube with one of those swingy-dealy-red thingies and out came a jar of bugs. He put it in his fourth cuestack.

Suddenly, he heard Nanna's voice. "John, hello! Can you hear me?"

"Yeah, Nanna," John replied. "Where are you?"

"I am still in the house, dear! I'm afraid I cannot accompany you on your journey. But I can talk to you like this, if you ever need me to provide a puzzling half-answer to one of your questions."

"Oh, ok. Thanks, Nanna! By the way, how are you talking to me?"

"Oh, I'm not, dear. Not really."

"Okay. Never mind."

"Hoo hoo hoo! You should begin by exploring and talking to locals! They will be able to provide you with some new insights into your quest, and illuminate some matters on which I have remained coy to this point! Hoo hoo!"

"Yeah, what's up with that, Nanna? Did the game make you all coy and prankstery when you became a sprite or were you always like that when you were alive?"

"Oh, wouldn't _you_ like to know, dear! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!"

"Ha ha ha… okay."

John continued walking until he came to a pink cat imp. What were these new kinds of imps doing here? A bit further on, he found a yellow salamander thing standing next to a broken frog statue. The statue was covered in black imp goo.

"Hey, do you know what happened here?" he asked the salamander.

The salamander began to rant, bubbles blowing out of its mouth. "Look at this! Another Cherished Idol profaned! Such sacrilege has become commonplace with the recent glut of the Underlings. It would bring a tear to my eye if I were not so clearly fit to be tied with these hyperactive mannerisms and severe attention deficit oh my god look a bug."

"What's up with this thing?" John asked.

"Amphibious and reptilian life forms play a special role in your quest, John," Nannasprite's disembodied voice said.

"What kind of role. Like frogs and stuff?"

"ESPECIALLY frogs, John!" she exclaimed.

"?" John expressed confusion. Nanna didn't respond.

He walked to his right to discover another salamander, this one standing next to another one of those mail tubes.

"Hello, my name's John…" he began, but the salamander interrupted him.

"Do you not know what a Parcel Pyxis is?" The salamander inquired, but didn't await a response. "Incomprehensible! Ok I'll play your pretend game for a minute. This is a Parcel Pyxis, a receptacle connected to our network of pipes. We use them to send stuff to different places. They are fully intertwined with our customs and social practices. If there is anything we want, we chisel it on a Minitablet and drop it in. Who receives it? Hard to say, but if you encounter a Minitablet and you possess what is chiseled on it, it is only considered polite to drop it in the Pyxis! Similarly, if you encounter a Parcel Pyxis that has a prize in it already, you are obligated to keep the prize for yourself. Consider it to be a gift to you from the Breeze. This is just the way things work. And whenever one of us is standing near a Parcel Pyxis, we feel compelled to give this little speech about it."

"John, their economy of anonymous, intraglobal pipe-based based bartering system may seem quaint, but you'd do well to get accustomed to it!" Nanna said. "The true Heir must learn the ways of the people of the Land to progress through the Gates!"

"Wait, so I'm the heir?" John asked.

"Didn't I tell you, John?" Nannasprite asked in response.

"No!" John exclaimed.

"Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Hoo! Hoo hoo." Nanna fell quiet.

John opened the Pyxis and received a Minitablet with an image of a shoe on it. He picked up the Minitablet and the barber's best friend fell out of the cuestack. He picked it up and the barbasol bomb was expelled. John quickly caught it and the candy corns were expelled from his sylladex. He picked them up as well, and his Dad's fedora fell out. Frustrated, John stopped and dropped the box of fruit gushers. A few of the morsels fell out. He dropped one of his Dad's shoes in the Pyxis and placed the gushers and hat, in that order, into the third cuestack. That worked.

John climbed up onto an arch that had stairs built into it and accidentally captchalogued a rock at the top. One of the shoes fell out of his sylladex. Whatever. He left it where it was. He climbed to the other side of the arch and then across a river of imp sludge via a fallen glowing green tree. He dropped the rock on an imp, expelling the thing from his sylladex once and for all. A salamander stood a little ways from John. It held a harlequin figurine in its hand.

"Wanna buy this?" it asked. "It fell from Skaia. I guarantee it."

"Sure," John said, intrigued as to how much it cost.

"Okay, that will be 5,000,000 boondollars. Will that be…"

"Um, I'm sorry, I don't have that much money," John said.

"Oh what? You don't have that much? Ha ha ha! Of course not! No one does! It's impossible."

Oh, a Parcel Pyxis! John rushed over to it.

"Hooray! This one contains a prize! Another success for the postal system," said the voice in his head. Of course, he didn't notice. John received an exquisite pipe.

He killed another imp, this one wearing a pink princess hat. But in the process, he was injured. He opened the box of fruit gushers and ate a couple. His health was restored.

Just past the pipe sat a drain that an imp sludge river drained into.

"Peer into large opening," commanded the voice in his head. John thought he could make out a very faint noise below. Was it… snoring? Suddenly, an imp appeared behind him and almost knocked him into the hole! He killed it with the wrinklefucker, but still, the imp was really strong!

"Nanna, there are more imps than ever down here, and they seem to be getting stronger." John said.

"Yes, dear. There are plenty of imps up here too. I had to start giving them some cookies because I baked too many. I hope you don't mind!"

"No, that's okay. Also, the imps look different. Like there was this cat one, and then a princess one, and a tentacled thing…"

"That is because a new prototyping has taken place."  
"Huh?" John asked. "I thought there could only be two…"

"No no, your pretty, young friend has joined you in The Medium!"

"Woah! Wait, Rose is here? Where is she? Will I find her down here somewhere?"

"(oh, settle down, all of you. there are more than enough cookies to go around.)"

"Nanna! Dammit, will you stop messing around with those stupid imps for a second! Will I find Rose down here somewhere?" There was silence. "Nanna?" He sighed.

Oh! Over there! A Parcel Pyxis! He received an elegant pipe and one of his Dad's shoes flew out of his sylladex. Annoyed, he recaptchalogued it in his second cuestack.

He returned to the salamander with the figurine, knocked it from its hand, and proceeded to take a different route. The salamander called after him in rage. "Hey, you didn't pay for that, glub glub!"

He smacked right into another salamander. "GLUB! That's my way of saying go over there and check it out. 'GLUB!' can basically mean whatever I want it to mean. It's really cool having a bullshit language."

"What do you mean? Check what out?" John asked cautiously.

"GLUB! That means why don't you go see."

John walked past the salamander and approached a Pyxis behind the salamander. He opened it. It was empty.

"GLUB!" That means that's not what I meant. Look up at the sky," the salamander said.

"Maybe you should try using your telescope here," the voice in John's head said. John's subconscious agreed and he placed his telescope on the ground next to the Parcel Pyxis. He looked up and saw the giant spike of land his house was on. And there was his abode at the very top of the spike.

"Nanna, are you there?" he asked.

"Yes!" Nannaquin said excitedly.

"I just saw my house from below. What gives? Why did the gate take me down here?"

"All the gates do, John!" Nanna said. "To ascend, each time you must first descend."

"Huh. Alright. So I guess I scramble around down here until… uh... until, what exactly, Nanna? When does this end?"

"Until you find the next gate. It is hidden somewhere in the Land."

"Ok, so I get to that gate and go in. Then what? Where does it take me? Uh… further up maybe? But I haven't even built that high yet!"  
"So you see why you had to build in the first place, John? You must have a little faith in your dear old nanna!"

"Yeah, well, I do Nanna, but I'm still not really getting it. Does the next gate down here take me back up to the house or something? (please don't say Hoo hoo hoo!)."

"Hoo hoo hoo!"  
"Ugh!" John yelled.

He began to walk away from the area he'd placed the telescope (first picking up the telescope, of course), but he was intercepted by the salamander.

"GLUB!" it said, bubbles rising from its mouth. "That weird white boxy thing appeared up there a little while ago." It took John a second to realize that the salamander was talking about his house. "Then it gradually became even boxier, and also taller. They say that's where the Heir lives."

"Who's they?" John asked.

The salamander shrugged. "Wise folk I guess. Maybe elders or something like that. Man I don't know. Also, isn't it funny how I'm taking your existence here in stride? I'm treating it like it's no big deal."

In a future settled askance of the present, collateral desecration marred the sacred/illicit as a worm-like sentry shot at a frog temple. AR jumped around as blue lights from the thing flew at him.

The Renegade shot a large missile at WV's ship and exploded a large hole in the side of it. Another missile smashed into PM's capsule's sentry. PM was overtaken with sadness and rage. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of the temple, but everyone was too busy with the action to notice it.

Another missile flew through the air and landed not far from the rock that the Mayor was hiding behind. WV, his pumpkin bindle, and Serenity were blasted over the rock. The pumpkin landed on his head and the cans tumbled all around him. The crosshairs of AR's gun alighted on the black carapacian's face.

But… wait. What was that symbol. Some kind of dog… AR turned his head around and looked at it right-side up. Oh wow! He dropped the gun and put his hands to his face, which was wrapped in caution tape. AR leaped down from the temple and landed by WV excitedly.

PM, in rage and frustration, leaped at the Renegade. He turned in shock as the pretty mail lady flew toward him, sword out. She knocked him over and held her sword to his throat. WV began to freak out behind them.

In the mystic ruins of an era pre-desecration, an ancient time capsule had blossomed. Jade found inside it two juice-stained envelopes containing the SBURB Beta, both labeled "DAVE". She captchalogued the Beta, which uneventfully tucked itself into her sylladex. She thought maybe she was getting kind of bored the memory modus. She liked to mix it up now and then.

She selected her jenga modus, ejecting her sylladex in the process. Oh, it looked like the time capsule had reset itself. It was sprouting a new bud. Presumably something else would come out of it when it bloomed again in 413 years. Too bad Jade wouldn't be around to find out what it was.

Anyway, her modus grabbed the eighteen cards it needed to set itself up. It divided each card into three captchalogue blocks. She began picking up her items. Each was captchalogued, chopped into three blocks, and randomly distributed into a block tower. She gathered up the rest of her items and got ready to test out the jenga modus.

She went for all the blocks containing the tangle buddies. Careful... careful… Jade had a sudden fit of narcolepsy and fell over onto the block tower. No, this wouldn't do at all. Everything was ejected from her sylladex again. She switched to the pictionary modus.

Ok, she started by trying to grab her lunchtop. After she ditched an unwelcome solicitor, that was. She jumped onto the lunchtop and muffled the sounds of the troll pestering him. She had to concentrate here.

Jade drew a nice-looking Squiddle lunchtop on the captchalogue scribblepad. The modus recognized what she was trying to draw and snapped it right up. She fell to the ground, as she'd been standing on the lunchtop before. Nice going!

She drew the beta envelopes on the scribblepad and wrote "3 Thanks dave!" at the top. The scribblepad thought that the heart was a B and the exclamation marks were 1's floating above 0's, so the sylladex crossed them out. But it understood the beta and snatched the envelopes up. Yeah!

Just for fun, Jade did a really quick doodle of nothing in particular. The scribblepad appeared to be processing the shapes. Was that... what that Charles Dutton?

Since Jade did not actually have a Dutton photo lying around, the pad captchalogued a Dutton photo ghost image. It was not a tangible item, and could never be used. It seemed to be more an imprint on the card itself, a watermark. However, the back of the card did seem to contain a viable captcha code for a real Dutton photo, for whatever it was worth. Which was very little.

Jade sketched a beautiful, succulent pumpkin, knowing perfectly well that a pumpkin ghost image would be captchalogued, because she was quite sure there was not a pumpkin in the room, and there surely would never be. She captchalogued the pumpkin ghost image. At least she had the captcha code on the back in case she ever wanted to replicate a real one.

"Oh no!" She exclaimed. The captcha code was too faint to read.

It was time to get the rest of her items and skedaddle. She started by drawing the tangle buddies. But… it looked like the pad was having trouble understanding the shapes? The pad displayed an image of a pair of gloves, along with a marble, two pennies, and a button.

Jade decided to captchalogue the bass on the card with the ghost Dutton image. Except it wasn't up to her to say what card it went on! The modus decided! All she got to do was draw. In any case, she tried sketching her eclectic bass. It was kind of a hard thing to draw accurately though. The scribblepad interpreted it as an ordinary bass. That wasn't right.

She tried once more, focusing on getting all the mechanical details just right… and… Argh! The scribblepad interpreted her drawing as some kind of complex robot.

Suddenly, Becquerel appeared behind her. Busted! The jig was up. Bec teleported her to her room without the rest of her loot. She doubted she'd have time to go back and get it. She supposed she'd inadvertently left her own time capsule there for whatever party might find it in the future. Lucky bastards!

Immediately, Jade got to work. She sat on her bed, opened her lunchtop, and got started installing both discs of the beta in order to get a jump on it to avoid the sort of future drama that resulted from poor time management decisions.

In the meantime, she decided to touch base with her pals. Oh no, not _those _pals. The trollslum could just sit tight for now.

John donned his serious business goggles and pestered Rose.

**- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**EB: rose?**

**EB: are you there?**

**EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too.**

**EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff?**

**EB: let me know ok.**

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

**GG: john hi!**

**EB: hi jade!**

**EB: guess where i am.**

**GG: are you on the ground below the clouds yet?**

**EB: yeah!**

**EB: wait how did you know that's where the gate goes...**

**EB: did you talk to rose? can she still see me while im down here?**

**EB: she won't answer.**

**GG: no i havent talked to her yet but id like to soon**

**GG: ive got a lot of catching up to do with all of you!**

**GG: sorry ive been so scarce ive just been so busy running around like crazy and looking after my dog and stuff all day!**

**GG: i think he just locked me in my room actually :\**

**EB: oh man.**

**EB: he sounds like such a handful.**

**GG: yeah**

**EB: but it's ok, i think he is mostly just looking after you.**

**EB: like a guardian angel or something.**

**EB: if i were you i would take him out behind the woodshed and give him a big hug.**

**GG: :D**

**GG: hey john can you hold on i have to talk to dave and start playing this game with him**

**EB: oh? what game?**

**GG: sburb! duh what else!**

**EB: what, i thought you didn't even know what sburb was!**

**GG: oh jeez i was asleep when i said that silly!**

**GG: of course i know what it is**

**EB: oh ok.**

**EB: where did you even get it?**

**GG: from the ruins**

**GG: its daves copy**

**EB: wow.**

**EB: the thing you just said doesn't even make the slightest bit of sense.**

**GG: i know right! hehehe**

**GG: oh!**

**GG: that reminds me since im setting the game up with dave to be his server you are going to need to do the same thing for me**

**EB: oh really?**

**EB: this is news to me.**

**GG: can you see from where youre standing the place your dads car would have fallen?**

**EB: oh yeah, i think so. it'll be kind of a long walk though, this place is huge.**

**GG: you should go there and get your copy of the server and set up with me...**

**GG: oh and also get your package! :)**

**EB: okay.**

**EB: wait, how did you know my dad's car fell down here?**

**GG: johhhhn will you stop trying to trap me!**

**GG: you TOLD me the car fell remember?**

**GG: jeeeez**

**EB: jeeeeeeeeeeez!**

**GG: JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ! **

**EB: ok fine well color me suspicious anyway.**

**EB: miss knowitall mcpsychicpants.**

**GG: john im not any more psychic than you though**

**EB: ok sure i am convinced.**

**EB: you have convinced me. **

**EB: (PSYCHIC PSYCHIC PSYCHIC)**

**EB: also i told you the package was in the car but i never mentioned that the game was there too.**

**EB: so kind of totally busted i guess.**

**EB: GIVE ME A P**

**EB: GIVE ME AN S**

**GG: hahahaha oops ok!**

**GG: i mean i know lots of things but im really serious its no more information than what you have access to **

**GG: but you dont know it yet**

**GG: anyway we can talk more about it soon...**

**GG: i wont have to be so coy with you anymore because im pretty sure most of the stuff that was supposed to happen has already happened**

**GG: i couldnt tell you about it because it would have messed it up!**

**EB: ok, that is fair.**

**GG: just give me a few minutes while i set up this game!**

**GG: and say hi to the salamanders for me**

**GG: 3**

"Oh shiiiiit," John drawled. One of the trolls was pestering him again.


	29. Book 2 Chapter 13: More Trolls

Chapter 13: More Trolls

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**TG: hey**

**TG: will you open your laptop already**

**TG: see**

**TG: this is why you need a phone or something**

**TG: that alerts you to important messages**

**TG: instead of leaving them trapped **

**TG: under three inches of fucking yarn **

**TG: laptops dont need cozies**

**TG: nothing needs cozies**

**TG: cozy is a goddamn adjective**

**TG: maybe ill crochet myself an iphone snuggly**

**TG: what is this place anyway**

**TG: what are you doing**

**TG: i can see your whole damn house here if you want to get filled in or something im sort of the guy with the big picture here**

**TG: dont make me bop you on the head with a wizard**

**TG: ill do it**

**TG: ok no i wont**

**TG: yet**

**TG: i guess ill bone up on the faq for a while**

**TG: so i dont do anything stupid and deploy like 10 crux flangers and fuck up the whole game**

**TG: oh my god**

**TG: so many words**

**TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something**

**TG: damn**

**TG: i cant read this shit im sorry**

**- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **- **

**GG: yo yooooooo!**

**TG: whoa ok hey**

**GG: so youre finally playing the game with rose?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: but she wont answer me**

**GG: shes probably just exploring im sure she will come around soon...**

**GG: but its great that you got her out of there in time!**

**TG: pretty much you have no idea how much i fuckin own at this game**

**TG: i bested no less than three flaming tornados and broke a huge wizard**

**GG: so how does it feel to be a BIG TIME HERO**

**GG: mister braveybrave mcheropants**

**TG: it feels like**

**TG: i am in sports**

**TG: all alone**

**TG: and i am the star**

**TG: its me**

**TG: and then the big man comes**

**GG: hehehe **

**GG: but it turns out to be CRAZY what kind of basket ball this man plays!**

**GG: ummmm...**

**GG: the HOOP IS ON FIRE...**

**GG: ok i forget how it goes**

**TG: no you got it**

**TG: we're good**

**TG: reference secured**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: so now it is my turn to be the star!**

**GG: i will be your hero**

**GG: its me**

**TG: wait what**

**GG: i installed the game!**

**GG: im connecting to you as the server player**

**TG: oh man**

**TG: this is ridiculous**

**TG: i just set this shit up with rose and now i got to do like**

**TG: some double duty thing**

**TG: i mean i own at the game and all but cant i just relax for half a second**

**GG: dont worry!**

**GG: you can keep playing with rose while i just set up a few things**

**GG: i figured id get a good head start to avoid all the drama you guys are always getting into **

**GG: such a bunch of drama queens!**

**TG: what**

**TG: look i was getting my ass handed to me by my bro on the roof for like an hour and a half**

**TG: i got served like a dude on butler island**

**GG: (DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA)**

**TG: wait does this mean theres a big meteor coming soon**

**GG: yes!**

**TG: when you activate the thing will it start the countdown and summon the meteor**

**GG: itll come when it comes regardless of what we do**

**GG: the timer really just lets you know when its coming**

**TG: are you totally sure about all this**

**GG: yes look here it is!**

**GG: **** /d7kXrQ**

**TG: ok yes that image is definitely conclusive proof of something and is 100% understandable by anyone who looks at it**

**TG: how big is this thing**

**GG: it is REALLY REALLY big**

**TG: like the size of rhode island or texas or what**

**TG: i need some context to know how much crap i should be shitting into my pants**

**GG: ok i dont actually know :(**

**TG: well as if like one the size of a bus wouldnt kill me anyway**

**GG: hehe yeah...**

**TG: wait hold on rose is finally opening her stupid laptop**

**TG: so do your thing i guess**

**TG: have fun**

**GG: thanks i will! 3**

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

**CG: HEY JOHN.**

**CG: CALM THE HELL DOWN.**

**EB: aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhh!**

**EB: how did you find me?**

**CG: FIND YOU?**

**CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.**

**EB: i changed my chum handle to ditch you guys.**

**EB: how did you find me?**

**CG: OH.**

**CG: HA HA!**

**CG: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!**

**CG: THIS IS THE LITTLE WORD HUMANS SAY REPEATEDLY WHEN SOMETHING TICKLES THEIR ABSURDITY PALATE, RIGHT?**

**EB: uh...**

**EB: lame.**

**CG: WE NEVER LOST YOU.**

**CG: YOUR RUSE DIDN'T FOOL US.**

**CG: IT JUST SO HAPPENS WE DIDN'T PARTICULARLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT TALKING TO YOU IN THAT TIMEFRAME.**

**EB: what, the last few months?**

**CG: WE HAVE THE ENTIRE CONTINUUM OF YOUR EXISTENCE TO CHOOSE FROM WHEN CONTACTING YOU.**

**CG: THE PERIOD WAS UNREMARKABLE.**

**CG: SORT OF LIKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE. BUT I GUESS I MEAN IT WAS ESPECIALLY UNREMARKABLE.**

**CG: THIS HAS BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU SO OFTEN IT WOULD MAKE ME SICK TO MY HUMAN STOMACH IF I HAD ONE OF YOUR HUMAN STOMACHS.**

**EB: ok, this time i'll believe you that you aren't human.**

**EB: because the skepticism center of my brain is starting to wear kind of thin i guess.**

**EB: but you're still a major asshole and i don't actually want to talk to you, so bye.**

**CG: WAIT.**

**CG: BUT I'M NOT HERE TO TROLL YOU THIS TIME.**

**CG: WE'RE FRIENDS OK?**

**EB: hahahahahaha!**

**EB: oh man, look at this outburst of little human words i'm saying!**

**EB: from my human mouth!**

**CG: FINE YOU CAN THINK I'M A FUCKING DOUCHE AND MAYBE I AM BUT HERE'S THE FACT, IDIOT.**

**CG: I'VE ALREADY HAD LOTS OF CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU.**

**CG: IN THE FUTURE. I MEAN YOUR FUTURE.**

**CG: I'VE KIND OF BEEN WORKING BACKWARDS HERE FOR A WHILE. **

**CG: AND IT'S A LITTLE FRUSTRATING.**

**CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK YOU KNOW LESS AND LESS, AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING I SAID BECAUSE IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET.**

**CG: AND I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF A LOT.**

**CG: AND I'M GETTING PRETTY FUCKING SICK OF IT.**

**EB: that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard.**

**CG: WELL IT'S NOT LIKE I MAPPED OUT THIS TROLLING ONSLAUGHT VERY WELL IN ADVANCE.**

**CG: I MEAN, WHEN YOU TROLL SOMEONE YOU JUST SORT OF DO IT. YOU DON'T START DRAWING FLOWCHARTS AND DIAGRAMS AND STUFF.**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: you have something to do with this game, don't you?**

**EB: i should have known.**

**CG: OH GOD. **

**CG: NOT AGAIN.**

**CG: NO, FUCK NO, I AM JUST NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU AGAIN.**

**CG: YOU'LL GET PLENTY OF DIRT ON ALL THIS FROM ME IN FUTURE CONVERSATIONS.**

**CG: TEDIOUS CONVERSATIONS.**

**CG: ONES I'VE ALREADY HAD WITH YOU.**

**CG: WHERE YOUR DEMEANOR WILL GRADUALLY BECOME INEXPLICABLY AND REVOLTINGLY FRIENDLY TOWARDS US.**

**CG: AND SO I GUESS IT JUST WAS KIND OF INFECTIOUS AND NOW WE'RE ALL BUDDIES I THINK.**

**CG: IT'S REALLY WEIRD.**

**CG: THIS HUMAN EMOTION YOU CALL FRIENDSHIP.**

**EB: friendship isn't an emotion fucknuts.**

**CG: SEE, THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: YOU'RE MUCH MORE TOLERABLE A GUY THAN I THOUGHT AT FIRST, OK JOHN?**

**EB: why are you kissing my ass?**

**EB: what do you want? why don't you just tell me what's going on.**

**EB: are you in the medium?**

**CG: OK, FINE. YES WE ARE.**

**EB: like, here in this land, with the clouds and oil and stuff?**

**CG: MORE OF THIS NARCISSISM.**

**CG: YOU ALWAYS THINK EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU.**

**CG: WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DUMB LITTLE WINDY PLANET OR YOUR PETTY LITTLE QUESTS.**

**CG: OR FOR THAT MATTER YOUR ENTIRE GAME SESSION.**

**CG: YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONES PLAYING THE GAME.**

**CG: EVERY GROUP OF PLAYERS GETS THEIR OWN DISTINCT, BLANK SLATE SESSION.**

**CG: AS WILL BE EXPLAINED TO YOU MANY TIMES.**

**EB: so why don't you just explain it again so i know...**

**EB: so i don't ask so much in the future?**

**CG: NO.**

**CG: FUCK THIS SHIT, JUST NO.**

**CG: I'M ENDING THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE I'VE SAID IT ALL TOO MANY TIMES.**

**CG: AND BECAUSE YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND.**

**CG: BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB.**

**EB: wow, yeah you're totally not trolling me, bro!**

**EB: i see now we are bffs forever.**

**CG: THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DUMB**

**CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD.**

**CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN ANIMOSITY IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE.**

**EB: oh, ok.**

**EB: so what do you want.**

**CG: I NEED YOU TO TELL YOUR FRIEND JADE TO TALK TO US.**

**CG: SHE WON'T ANSWER OUR MESSAGES IN THIS TIMEFRAME.**

**CG: IT'S IMPORTANT.**

**EB: yeah, i don't blame her for not answering.**

**EB: she pretty much can't stand you guys.**

**EB: because of all the trolling you did before.**

**EB: remember?**

**CG: OK, OUR BAD ON THAT.**

**CG: JUST TELL HER WE'RE SORRY.**

**CG: AND TO GET HER GROSS AND TOTALLY UNATTRACTIVE HUMAN BUTT OFF HER UGLY HUMAN HIGH HORSE AND ANSWER MY MESSAGES.**

**EB: maybe. **

**EB: we'll see.**

**EB: i'm still not really sold on this friendship thing yet.**

**EB: but i've got to go now and get on with my petty little quests.**

**EB: so talk to you in the future i guess.**

**EB: jerkface.**

John began the search for his father's car. This was certainly going to be a hike. Wait. There was something up ahead. Through the forest.

WV settled the dispute between PM and AR in the only way he could presently imagine how to settle a dispute. With cans of lukewarm sugary liquid and centuries-old rations. If only they had access to some means of heating things up. But it mattered not. The three carapacians and the firefly warmed themselves in the glow of this human emotion called friendship.

Meteors fell through the burning urban sky of Dave's neighborhood. Jade deployed the Alchemiter onto a broken air conditioning unit on Dave's roof. It was almost as if the thing had been scaled to be a perfect fit for the SBURBan contraption all along. Weird! She proceeded to attempt to deploy the Cruxtruder in Dave's room. In the meantime, Dave pestered Rose.

**TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something**

**TG: damn**

**TG: i cant read this shit im sorry**

**TT: Hold please.**

**TG: hold what**

**TG: i see you at your computer typing**

**TG: what are you doing**

**TG: dang**

**TG: hold on**

**TG: no seriously stop talking to me for a second it looks like jade is dropping the doomsday tube thingy in my room**

**TG: brb gotta make sure she doesnt break all my shit**

Dave clicked on Jade's pesterchum icon and began to pester her.

**TG: hey wait**

**GG: these darn birds are in the way!**

**GG: what are they doing in your apartment anyway!**

**GG: also they are adorable**

**TG: i always keep birds in here its sort of my thing**

**GG: ohhhhhhh**

**GG: kind of like all those silly naked puppets are your bros thing?**

**TG: no no thats irony this is like**

**TG: sincere honest to god psychosis**

**TG: im training to be a lame gothy supervillain**

**GG: also i think i cant put it down because of the wires on the floor...**

**TG: ok**

**TG: well maybe you should take the opportunity to put it somewhere that isnt stone cold retarded**

**GG: i wish i played more games**

**GG: this is hard!**

**TG: no its not**

**GG: :P**

**TT: Jade is connected with you?**

**TT: Where did she get the discs?**

**TG: i dont know how does she do any of the loopy batshit nonsense she does**

**TG: maybe she pulled them out of the volcano over there on bloodmonkey mountain**

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: So you mean to tell me she was able to connect with you in a timely fashion, without waiting until you were on the brink of annihilation?**

**TG: we went over this**

**TG: i was a little bogged down**

**TG: in the epic swaddle of legendary puppet taint**

**TT: I've done nothing but wait for boys to play this game with me all day.**

**TT: First John lollygagging with the client, and then you with the server, downright filibustering my existence with unending fraternal melee.**

**TT: And yet a girl, one who didn't even own the game, was able to connect with you minutes after you connected with me.**

**TG: whoa wait**

**TG: what the hell is she doing**

**TG: shes taking my bed what the hell**

**TT: And there she goes.**

**TT: She HAS the karma.**

Jade picked up Dave's bed and placed it on the roof. She then put the Cruxtruder in its place.

**TG: so seriously what were you doing just now**

**TT: I was talking to someone.**

**TG: who**

**TT: You remember the trolls?**

**TG: yeah**

**TT: One of them messaged me, so I indulged him/her/it for a moment.**

**TG: oh i see you opted to chat up one of those dbags instead of talk to the guy who saved you from a swirling shitstorm of angry flaming wizards**

**TG: i was worried your priorities might have been out of whack but no i was dead wrong**

**TT: I also took a moment to check on John.**

**TG: how is he**

**TT: I can't see him anymore. Just his empty house.**

**TT: But I did talk to him briefly.**

**TG: i should probably text him soon**

**TG: see whats up**

**TG: because**

**TG: i love him**

**TT: I know.**

**TG: so this place youre at now**

**TG: its the same place hes at right**

**TT: It's hard to say for certain.**

**TT: But I think I like it here.**

Jade replaced Bro's television with the Totem Lathe, trapping a few smuppets underneath it in the process. This whole place was a disorganized mess. It kind of reminded her of her own room, but full of weird and ironic stuff instead of cute and great stuff. She thought her stuff was so much better.

Jade was pretty sure these were all Dave's Bro's puppets. She'd better not mess with them. Frankly his brother made her a little nervous.

What the apartment needed, though, was a woman's touch. Jade grabbed a towel she'd found lying around and dampened it with water from the toilet. This was how ordinary people cleaned their houses, right? Oops, she dropped it completely into the toilet. She grabbed hold of the towel and pulled it out. Except she pulled not only the towel, but also the toilet and part of the floor.

**GG: oh fuck!**

Rose stood atop her house, looking out at the world she'd arrived on. Unlike John, she'd arrived directly on the surface. Her house sat on an island in the middle of a giant rainbow-colored lake. Clouds floated across the surface, interestingly low to the ground. The clouds poured rainbow-colored water relentlessly in the form of rain. She looked up at the sun. It shone down on her, a bright beacon in a bright world. This planet was known as the Land of Light and Rain, commonly abbreviated as LOLAR. She was certainly not where John was.

The Aimless Renegade cautiously sipped a can of TAB. Blech. Too warm. He needed to find something to chill this down with. And he would have liked his delicious gravy a bit warmer as well. Oh wait! AR excused himself for a moment to retrieve a few of his personal belongings, the mystical artifacts he'd found in the ruins. They were sure to impress his visitors. He climbed into the temple and grabbed the Refrigerator as well as the Cookalizer.

That musty old toy on the floor, the two absurd ocean creatures intertwined together, ought to make a nice peace offering for the tall feisty one too, AR thought. He was quite certain that ladies liked squishy useless things like that.

WV watched as the Aimless Renegade slogged off to his frog temple. The tall mail carrier with the lovely white complexion would probably get a kick out of his big computer with the weird boy on it, he thought. He showed her into his capsule.

The hole blown into his station by the caution guy's rocket led into the third room, which had been locked. Unsurprisingly there was another sort of gizmo in here and he had no idea what it did. The station, though, was very low on power so he didn't think he'd be able to find out.

The Mayor escorted PM into the rotating room and went to the computer room. There he was! The funny boy he'd been talking about. His name was John. He encouraged his alabaster friend to say hi to him using the human keypad communication system.

But instead she took note of the Mayor's nice chalk drawings and paid him a compliment. WV was somewhat mystified by the fact that she was more impressed with his silly drawings than his amazing technology. Maybe simple things were the key to the heart of a lady. He did not know because he did not know anything about ladies really. They were a riddle draped in a mystery wrapped in post-apocalyptic shroudwear.

WV decided to give her the chalk. She was grateful for the colorful present and thought it looked fun. Serenity blinked excitedly. "-.- .- -.-!" (Yay!)

Suddenly, a powerful aroma hit the Mayor's nonexistent nostrils. Someone was cooking something delicious. It demanded investigation.

PM stopped and examined the kind mayor's device. It was quite similar to the one in her station, before the unfortunate accident. The one with the familiar-looking girl on it. Perhaps this one was best left alone. Still, there was something familiar about the boy on this monitor as well. She hesitated, but eventually began to type.

I am told your name is John. Is that correct? Yep, that would be correct.

It's nice to meet you, John.

"Seer." A voice came through the air to Rose's ear. Had someone said something?

"Seer, can you hear me?" Apparently she could. Though usually, she went by the name Rose.

"Have a look around, Rose." Rose stepped into her observatory and peered through the panoramic window at the bright light and the rainbow-colored water.

"You have much to discover." Rose smirked. She did indeed.


	30. Book 2 Chapter 14: The Car

Chapter 14: The Car

John went over the black goo river and through the glowing tree woods to find… well, not Grandmother's house, per se, but certainly some houses. Except they were burning. Salamanders blew bubbles all around in panic as three imps, two tar basilisks, and one giant copper giclops attacked their village. Oh. This was not good. This was very not good.

Jade lay asleep on the right side of her bed. Her dreambot emerged from its container, sat on the other side of the bed, and picked up where Jade had left off.

She dropped Dave's toilet onto the Cruxtruder. Water went everywhere, the Cruxtruder's lid went flying, and the timer starting counting down from 4 hours and 13 minutes. An orange kernelsprite emerged.

**TG: this is the worst shitting thing ive ever seen**

**TG: the thing that just happened**

**GG: hi dave!**

**TG: jesus**

**TG: and the worst thing is**

**TG: all that juice i drank**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: you just HAD TO FIGURE all that juice was going to come back to haunt me**

**TG: like frankensteins incontinent fucking ghost**

**TG: it was like**

**TG: chekhovs juice**

**GG: hehehe what?**

**TG: let me be perfectly clear**

**TG: what i am trying to say is**

**TG: its like fucking christmas up in my bladder here**

**TG: and where do i find my toilet**

**TG: oh look here it is**

**TG: amputated in my room**

**TG: gagged with a towel like a fucking prison hostage**

**TG: and now the cruxploder is counting down**

**TG: 4 hours oh i guess thats not that bad**

**GG: 4 hours until what?**

**TG: what**

**TG: oh god**

**TG: are you asleep**

**GG: ummm...**

**GG: i...**

**GG: i think i might be!**

**TG: ok**

**TG: ok lets just**

**TG: not panic here**

**GG: im not panicking i feel fine!**

**TG: lets try to play it cool**

**TG: and not break all my shit**

**TG: also dont put anything weird in the seizure kernel**

**TG: im going to go find somewhere to pee**

**TG: dont watch me ok**

**GG: _;**

**TG: like i know you dream about me enough already**

**TG: lets keep some shit left to the imagination ok**

**GG: i wont look ok jeez!**

**TG: the last thing i need is for your weird brain webcam to be snapping shots of my dong**

**TG: your grandpa was a sick fuck why would he build a voyeurbot for a little girl**

**TG: fuck**

**GG: stop being a huge baby and go peeeeee!**

Dave held the apple juice bottle in front of him. He began to hatch a brilliant plan. Okay, first he'd pee in the bottle like a sick Howie Mandel monster thing. Once he was done he'd captchalogue the bottle and send the code to Egbert and tell him it was something really important. And then John would make it and be like, oh man yes apple juice I am so thirsty! But he would not be drinking delicious juice, oh no. He would be choking down a world of hot piss and it would serve him right for liking all those dumbass movies unironically.

But that all sounded like a big waste of time so he just went in the shower, making sure to kick the puppet that was in there out.

**GG: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**GG: :(**

**GG: dave**

**TG: what**

**GG: :(**

**TG: what is it**

**GG: dave this poor bird**

**TG: what bird**

**GG: the one with the sword through it!**

**TG: i wouldnt know anything about that**

**GG: but isnt this your sword?**

**TG: that could be anyones sword**

**GG: :|**

**TG: what does it look like**

**TG: is it a cheap piece of shit**

**TG: cause i only bother with high quality blades**

**TG: forged by stoic asian masters**

**TG: hells of rude kinds of expensive**

**GG: all i know is...**

**GG: its sharp and its through a bird and its a sword**

**GG: end of story!**

**GG: i am going to help the poor bird**

**TG: wait**

**TG: what do you mean**

**TG: dammit hold on a minute**

Jade picked up the dead bird with her green cursor and put the weird thing in the seizure kernel, just like Dave had specifically said not to.

Dave finished using the bathroom and returned to his room only to find the kernelsprite prototyped with the bird.

**TG: wow awesome**

**TG: so now i guess instead having of a wise or helpful spirit guide sprite thing**

**TG: im stuck with this brainless feathery asshole**

**GG: what do you mean i just brought the cute birdie back to life!**

**GG: isnt he great?**

**TG: we need to wake you up**

**TG: youre not very logical like this**

**TG: kind of dumb really**

**GG: gosh im SOOOO SOOOORRY!**

**GG: i was tired!**

**TG: yeah but come on you sleep like 20 hours a day**

**GG: well you are out of luck...**

**GG: i will wake up when im good and ready!**

**TG: where are you sitting**

**TG: are you on your bed**

**GG: yes why**

**TG: what side**

**GG: ummmmmm...**

**GG: the right side...**

**GG: why?**

**TG: ok heres what i want you to do**

**TG: just humor me**

**TG: raise your left hand**

**GG: okaaay...**

**TG: now**

**TG: just kind of swat the air to your left**

**GG: …**

Dream Jade raised her left hand and swatted the air to her left. Jade was knocked to the floor from the painful robo-slap.

AR had used some gunpowder and empty crates to make a campfire. The Mayor and the Renegade sat around the fire, eating vegetables and meat, respectively, which they'd gotten from the Refrigerator.

PM left the capsule and walked over to where the other carapacians sat by the campfire. AR stood and held out the tangle buddies. He pulled them apart and handed one of the squiddles to the mail lady.

WV watched this exchange, his head moving back and forth between the two of them. Serenity frowned. She knew that this exchange was certainly heartbreaking for the Mayor.

PM was vaguely reminded of something, looking down at the squiddle doll. It was hard to remember. It had been so many years ago…

So many years ago, entrenched in the temporally oblique, smoke poured out of a totaled car on the surface of LOWAS. An arm stuck out of one of the pipes, but disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. Near this pipe stood a black carapacian dressed in jesters' clothing. What had we here? An illegally parked vehicle. The carapacian sure hoped the owner had a swollen porkhollow because he'd just landed himself in citation city.

AR (was it?) surrounded the crime scene with caution tape. There we go. This was much more orderly. Public safety had been assured. His sworn duty as an Authority Regulator had been upheld. The Authority Regulator (AR) wrote the owner of the vehicle a 10,000 boonbuck parking ticket. He put it in the windshield and… oh, what had we here? He discovered a couple of unauthorized parcels in the shotgun seat of the vehicle. He confiscated them immediately.

At the same time, a simple Parcel Mistress (PM) walked along one of her routes. Today was another day of uneventful but highly satisfying deliveries. She stopped in her tracks. There, across from her, stood the Authority Regulator, a dangerous agent from the enemy kingdom. Perhaps she should avoid him. But… in her hand she held a note written in green ink. It said something about delivering one of those parcels that AR was holding. It looked liked she'd need to get that package somehow.

John smashed one of the tar basilisks repeatedly with the wrinklefucker and the other with the Telescopic Sassacrusher. After about half a minute of this, they were both still had almost full health. Sons of bitches were harder to kill than he'd thought they'd be.

The copper giclops pulled the Telescopic Sassacrusher from John's ghost hand and one of the tar basilisks scooped the boy into their mouths. Great.

Suddenly there was an explosion and the tar basilisk that had been holding John in its mouth turned into a bunch of grist and goo. Again and the other tar basilisk exploded as well. The crosshairs of a gun turned towards the eye of the copper giclops and shot it, exploding the ocular device and leaving the giclops reeling. The foul creature absconded. The imps and salamanders scattered the hell out of the area.

A figure with glasses, a safari hat, and a moustache, appeared with a gun but turned and left just as quickly. He was carrying a copy of the Sassacre text… wait… that was _his_ copy of the Sassacre text... but he vanished into the wild unknown of LOWAS, amidst the glowing trees and imp goo rivers, through the forest, before John had a chance to ask his name.

It was a clear and peaceful night. A delicious meal had been shared with friends. The glow of the ammunition fire gradually subsided. All was well. But PM just couldn't shake the feeling that all this was familiar somehow. That there was something she was forgetting…

She looked up and saw a spirograph on the temple. That logo… oh, of course! She remembered now! She had to deliver a message to John immediately. PM ran off to WV's capsule. AR and the Mayor looked at each other.

"Women," they said simultaneously.

The Parcel Mistress concluded she had no choice. She'd march right up to him and ask politely for the package. Wait a minute… what was that? One of the Parcel Pyxides (that's the plural of Pyxis) dumped a minitablet at her feet. The carving on it was not especially clear in the least, but her wealth of delivery experience allowed her to decipher it immediately.

It said "ugh crappy sorry" and had an image of the other item that AR was carrying. Below it said "~john". It appeared that she would need to acquire both parcels from the Regulator now. It was her sworn duty.

PM did not have a sword. She was quite sure it would never occur to her to carry a sword or resort to violence under any circumstances. She'd have to take a more diplomatic route with this fellow. She approached him cautiously.

AR doffed his hat as the tall, attractive female approached. He doffed it so furiously he was in danger of starting a hat fire on his head. Probably not the best idea around all this oil. Especially without some sort of flame suppressant handy.  
PM pointed at the parcels but AR shook his head. He could not give them to her. They were illegal contraband, and if she wished to petition for their release, she'd have to consult his superiors. PM showed AR the carved minitablet. As he could plainly see, she had signed authorization to deliver one of the parcels. AR begrudgingly gave her the envelope but retained the green package.

PM quickly dropped the envelope into an empty Pyxis. It was out of her hands now. The Breeze would know where to take it.

She followed the agent as he walked away. She couldn't lose track of that parcel.

John had some questions for that guy, whoever he was, but the village was still burning. He had to help these salamanders put out the fire! Thank goodness for his barbasol bomb. The cooling lather should work its magic in no time at… AHHHH! HOW COULD SHAVING CREAM BE SO FLAMMABLE? The huge explosion burst the roof of the house apart and the fire began to spread. Conveniently, though, a big gust of wind came along and blew out the fire. It was really very convenient.

The townspeople rejoiced and were more than willing to give John all the credit. He suspected it was probably because they were not all that smart.

"John, you have an uncarved tablet, do you not?" came the voice in his head. Why yes, it appeared that John did. Why, may I ask?

"I would like you to carve something on it." John seemed amenable to this request. It was a little wobbly up on top of all these dancing lizards though. They had picked him up in thanks for his actions as a savior. Not that it mattered anyway. He sucked at drawing.

"Rose, find your sprite," came the voice. Rose looked around but saw the sprite nowhere.

"Your deceased pet, you wished to speak with him, did you not?" Jaspersprite was nowhere to be found. He'd always been a little cagey, even when alive.

"Is it not why you are here?" the voice asked her. She supposed it was. Someone was pestering her, but she was oblivious to the message because her laptop was buried under three inches of fucking yarn. There were footprints in the white sand by her house.

"Follow them." Rose did. It looked like they led out back to the mausoleum. Her Mom, maybe?

"Examine your pet's tomb." The mausoleum had been destroyed by the explosion, but the secret passage remained. Rose had no idea where it led, but it sure wasn't the lab anymore.

She and Mutie climbed down and peered into the depths of the tunnel. Colors flashed around them.

At the end of the tunnel was… light? The girl and the cat stepped onto a little pier, where it seemed someone had recently untied a boat. And left their alcoholic beverage on the shore. Rose's Mom, no doubt, had left to explore the world.

"A mother will do whatever is best for her children," the voice said. Rose nodded solemnly and looked out into the rainbow distance.

WV built a bigger and better town to preside over. All expatriates were welcome, no matter what had happened in the past, regardless of professional persuasion or metallurgical affiliation. He cut the ribbon to Exile Town as its new mayor with an official judicial bayonet, which was stuck inside a grenade but he was kind of nervous about removing it. This should catch the eye of the tall nice lady. The grumpy yellow guy thought it was dumb.

He thought it was dumb because any town without a proper militia was as good as conquered. As such AR prepared one begrudgingly. It was a dirty job, but someone had to be charged with the defence of the innocent.

WV fondly regarded the desert night. The stars twinkled over the freshly christened Exile Town. It was a beautiful evening and the future was so full of promise he couldn't imagine what could possibly oh my god a huge eggy looking thing just appeared in the sky.

The eggy thing crashed into the ground across from the temple and the three carapacians shook from the impact. EGG!

Jade gave Dave the punch card of an eggy loking thing [sic]. He made a totem with it, but it on the Alchemiter, a bird appeared, and then… EGG! But seriously, why had Jade put the Alchemiter up on this air conditioner? He pestered her about it.

**TG: oh man**

**TG: awesome**

**TG: its awesome where you put that**

**TG: i was worried we were on the verge of getting some shit done**

**GG: duuurrrrr dave i was going to build some stairs up there durrrrrhhhhhh**

**TG: well where are they**

**TG: you say there will be stairs**

**TG: and yet**

**TG: i see no stairs**

**GG: gosh i dont know i guess i didnt find the time to make them because i keep getting punched in the face by robots and stuff!**

**TG: sorry**

**GG: ;p**

**TG: am i supposed to break that thing**

**TG: or hatch it**

**TG: or what**

**GG: i dont know!**

**TG: also what happened to all my shit**

**TG: the stuff scattered all over the roof**

**TG: did you put it somewhere**

**GG: nope...**

**TG: i mean not that i care**

**TG: it was a lot of mostly useless garbage**

**GG: what was it doing up here?**

**TG: i was going to use it to fight my bro with**

**TG: but i guess i forgot in the heat of battle**

**TG: also he was too fast**


	31. Book 2 Chapter 15: Another Troll

Chapter 15: Another Troll

Dave decided to make the world's largest omelette with the giant egg, but before that dumb idea could come to fruition, his brainless feathery asshole of a sprite swooped down and carried the egg up to its nest atop the spire on the apartment building. Oh, so that was where his stuff had gone.

**TG: ok so**

**TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass**

**TG: please advise**

**GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it!**

**GG: awww**

**TG: do you think thatll take more than four hours**

**GG: hmm...**

**GG: i dont know it looks like its pretty warm where you are**

**TG: its hot as the sizzle side of the steak**

**GG: maybe not too long then?**

**GG: i guess we'll find out!**

**TG: maybe i should try to get it back**

**TG: and put it in the microwave**

**GG: :(**

Jade dropped the microwave out the window and it fell to the pavement far below. She attempted to deploy the Punch Designix, but she couldn't. She'd need some shale for that. She then rolled over the other objects in the Phernalia Registry. There was a Jumper Block Extension, which cost 1,000 build grist; a CD (100 build grist); a Punch Card Shunt (10 build grist); a Holopad (10,000); and an Intellibeam Laserstation (100,000 build grist).

**GG: ok some of these things we can deploy but some things we dont have nearly enough grist for!**

**TG: you mean the jumper block thing**

**GG: no no weve got enough for that...**

**GG: but its still pretty expensive**

**TG: wait what**

**TG: the thing costs 1000 for me**

**GG: yeah me too!**

**GG: and we have 2000 to work with**

Well, not exactly true. She'd lost 2 build grist from moving Dave's toilet.

**GG: ok 1998 ._.**

**TG: what**

**TG: man i only got 200 to splash around with in roses rainbow world**

**TG: what the hell**

**GG: ohhh...**

**GG: how much did rose start with? when she was playing with john?**

**TG: hang on ill ask**

**GG: k**

**TG: she says 20**

**GG: i guess we keep getting more with each server/client connection!**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: so i guess you can buy everything now**

**GG: no!**

**GG: i cant buy the holopad thingy and the intellibeam laserstation**

**TG: ok now i know youre making this shit up**

**GG: hahahaha no theyre right here!**

**GG: they cost a fortune**

**TG: well all i got here is the designix which i cant deploy cause i dont have any purples**

**TG: and the expensive as hell jumper thing and the cheap shunts which i assume do dick all without the jumpers to put em on**

**TG: oh also this cd which is 100 but i didnt drop cause it seemed like a stiff allocation of resources for now**

**GG: yeah ive got that too!**

**GG: i will deploy it**

**TG: so with each new connection in our player chain i guess new weird deployables are introduced**

**GG: yes i think that is how it works**

**GG: when john connects with me he will probably get some cool new things too!**

**TG: hey look we're learning stuff**

Jade placed the compact disc on the roof in front of Dave.

**TG: what should i do with these beta copies**

**TG: i dont really need them anymore**

**GG: i suppose just hang on to them for a while...**

**GG: and then later**

**GG: just do whatever you are naturally compelled to do with them!**

**TG: wow that was a weird answer**

**TG: but ok**

Dave captchalogued the Beta and the CD.

Jade attempted to deploy the circuit board looking thingy, which had obviously been labeled as the Jumper Block Extension. It appeared, though, to be deployable only as an extension to the Alchemiter, and it wasn't able to do that without floating in the air and disobeying the laws of physics. Apparently the game didn't allow for the laws of physics to be broken because the cursor turned red and didn't allow for Jade to place the contraption.

It looked like she'd have to move the Alchemiter. Damn, it'd looked nice up there! She expended another relatively affordable 100 build grist to relocate it, placing it next to the broken air conditioning unit instead of on it this time. She then paid the steep fee of 1,000 build grist to deploy the Jumper Block Extension.

She then attempted to deploy the captchalogue disk drive. Again, the name had been in plain sight in the Phernalia Registry. She deployed the Punch Card Shunt for peanuts. It looked like a captchalogue card was supposed to fit in the slot.

Dave put the card with the CD in it on the slot and stuck the shunt on the jumper pins. Nothing happened. He might need to stick a punched card in there, probably allowing the holes in the card to affect the flow of the current through the circuits. And to punch cards he needed to get a Designix somehow.

Dave took the steps down two at a time and reentered his room. He sat at his desk and inserted the CD into his computer. He watched as Rose attacked some imps with her knitting needles.

Ah, here we were… ! Dave saw the three current players' loot. John had 13,800 build grist, 10,862 shale, 4058 tar, 1890 mercury, and 322 cobalt. Rose had 154 build grist and 22 chalk. Dave had 788 build grist.

Dave started leeching off of John's shale at a rate of 4 g/s. Not the fastest download rate, but then again he didn't need a whole lot. In one second he'd already collected enough for a Punch Designix. He then set the application to leech of John's build grist because he clearly had too much for his own good. It cut the download rate in half though. 2 g/s for the shale and 2 g/s for the build grist.

"You guide the heir. Consult with him." Rose pestered John while Dave and one of the trolls pestered her.

**- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**EB: rose?**

**EB: are you there?**

**EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too.**

**EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff?**

**EB: let me know ok. **

**TT: I guess one could use those words to describe it.**

**TT: If armed with a predilection for the inapt. **

**EB: bluh bluh bluuuuuhhhhh.**

**EB: ok, what words would you use, miss wordypants mcsmartybluh.**

**TT: Eerily iridescent?**

**EB: umm...**

**TT: I certainly don't see any oily rivers.**

**TT: There's an ocean though.**

**EB: i haven't found an ocean yet.**

**EB: but i dunno, the place is really big.**

**EB: it's like a whole planet down here.**

**EB: oh man, which reminds me.**

**EB: i just got hounded by a troll.**

**TT: Yes, one of them is bugging me now.**

**TT: I thought it was odd timing.**

**EB: yeah well, they say they want to be friends, also they're playing sburb but like not the same session as ours or something.**

**EB: oh also they're moving backwards in time, which sounds really retarded, but whatever.**

**TT: Color my curiosity piqued, I guess.**

**EB: yeah, i guess answer him if you want. or not.**

**EB: but anyway, it's great you made it here alive and stuff!**

**EB: so dave came through?**

**TT: Eventually.**

**TT: Pardon the envy I'm about to vent in your direction.**

**EB: for what?**

**TT: For finding yourself at the mercy of a rational orchestrator.**

**EB: oh, haha.**

**EB: yeah, i'd feel kinda weird if dave was watching me too.**

**TT: You don't feel weird when I watch you?**

**EB: rose i feel weird when you're just TALKING to me, when you're watching me it's just like the weird frosting on the big weirdo cake.**

**TT: I can't see you now, for what it's worth.**

**EB: yes i'm freeeeeeeeee :D**

**EB: ok, i'm going to go over this river and through these woods.**

**EB: you talk to your troll i guess.**

**EB: we'll compare notes later.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Bye, John.**

**- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]****began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

**GC: H3Y L4LOND3**

**GC: STOP CRY1NG 1N YOUR MOMS B3V3R4G3 **

**GC: SH3 H4T3S YOU 4ND H4S L3FT YOU FOR3V3R**

**GC: H3H3H3H 8D**

**TT: Now I'm confused. **

**TT: On the surface, this appears to be another contrivance from a troll desperate to offend. **

**TT: But John said you wanted to be friends. **

**TT: And if you knew me, I suppose your remark could be construed as a ploy to elicit agreement. **

**TT: And soon, rapport. **

**TT: Not that it would actually work. **

**GC: GOD**

**GC: YOU R34LLY DO T4LK TOO MUCH**

**TT: So which is it? **

**GC: OOOOOOOOOH**

**GC: YOUR T3XT SM3LLS GOOD**

**GC: 1S TH4T L4V3ND3R**

**TT: You smell words? **

**GC: YOU DONT?**

**TT: Right. Aliens, I forgot. **

**GC: Y3S 1TS 34SY TO FORG3T**

**GC: G1V3N OUR "R4PPORT"**

**GC: 4ND HOW MUCH W3 R34LLY H4V3 1N COMMON**

**GC: 1 FORG3T TH4T YOU HUM4NS 4CTU4LLY COMMUN1C4T3 W1TH SP33CH 1NST34D OF R3L34SING CLOUDS OF FR4GR4NT G4S3S**

**GC: 4ND SM3LL1NG 3ACH OTH3RS S3NT3NC3S**

**TT: Gross. **

**GC: 4H4H4H4 SO GULL1BL3**

**GC: YOULL B3L13V3 4NYTH1NG 1 T3LL YOU**

**GC: OF COURS3 W3 T4LK DUMMY 8]**

**TT: Still not sure if I'm being courted or trolled here. **

**GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO W1TH TH3 LATT3R**

**GC: 1 H4T3 YOU 4LL QU1T3 4 LOT**

**GC: BUT 1 TH1NK**

**GC: TH3 OTH3RS W1LL 3V3NTU4LLY R34L1Z3 TH4T 1TLL B3 MUTU4LLY B3N3F1C14L FOR US 4LL TO WORK TOG3TH3R**

**GC: 4ND SO TH3YLL PROB4BLY B3 4LL FR13NDLY L1KE L4T3R ON**

**TT: By later on, you mean now? **

**GC: Y34H**

**GC: TH4TS PROB4BLY WH4T JOHN W4S H34RING**

**GC: 4ND M4YBE TH3YLL 3V3N M34N 1T 4ND W4NT TO B3 FR13NDLY**

**GC: BUT 1 1NT3ND TO ST4Y P1SS3D 4T YOU FOR3V3R**

**GC: 3V3N 1F 1 S33M H3LPFUL**

**TT: Then you're in luck. **

**TT: Because you don't. **

**GC: H3H3 NO BUT 1 W1LL BE**

**GC: TH3 F4CT TH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3LPFUL**

**GC: 1S 4N 1MMUT4BL3 F4CT 1 4M ST4T1NG FOR TH3 R3CORD**

**GC: 1T DO3S NOT M34N FR13NDSH1P 1S WH4T 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 H3R3**

**TT: John was told you were moving backwards through time. **

**TT: Was he gullible to believe this? **

**TT: Or is the fact that I'm asking just further indication of my own gullibility? **

**TT: Feel free to continue shifting the definition of the word to suit your convenience. **

**GC: W3 H4V3NT 3V3N B33N T4LK1NG TO YOU FOR LONG**

**GC: L1K3 4 F3W M1NUT3S FROM MY P3RSP3CT1V3**

**GC: 1F TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 OF US WHO D3C1D3D TO ST4RT T4LK1NG TO YOU 4T TH3 3ND OF YOUR 4DV3NTUR3 R1GHT OFF TH3 B4T**

**GC: 1NST34D OF 4T THE B3G1NN1NG L1K3 WH4TS LOG1C4L**

**GC: TH3N TH4TS TH31R STUP1D BUS1NESS**

**GC: 1M ST4Y1NG L1N34R**

**GC: C4US3 W31RD T1M3 STUFF G1V3S ME A H34D4CHE**

**GC: OH 4LSO 1TS PO1NTL3SS**

**TT: Alright, let's continue milking my human gullibility and say I believe you. You're the sensible one who's decided to communicate with us in linear lockstep with our timeline in order to help us out. **

**TT: How can you help me? **

**GC: YOU JUST 3NT3R3D YOUR M3D1UM R1GHT**

**TT: Yes. **

**GC: OK**

**GC: DO3S 1T S33M L1K3 TH3R3 1S A SUBTL3 VO1C3 1N YOUR H34D URG1NG YOU TO DO TH1NGS**

**TT: Yes. **

**TT: It's not so subtle, actually. **

**GC: Y3S! 8O**

**GC: FOR M3 TOO 1T W4S MOR3 LOUD 4ND CL34R TH4N FOR TH3 OTH3RS**

**GC: YOU S33 W3 4R3 M34NT TO B3 B3ST H4T3FR13NDS FOR3V3R**

**TT: A beautiful soulgrudge this cosmic was surely authored by the constellations. **

**GC: TH3Y 4LL THOUGHT 1 W4S CR4ZY**

**GC: BUT H4H4H4 1T TURN3D OUT W3 4LL W3R3 1N OUR OWN W4YS**

**GC: TH4T H3LP3D US R34LIZ3 TH3 P4RTICUL4R D3ST1N13S THE G4M3 PUT TOG3TH3R FOR US**

**GC: 1N TH3 VOC4BUL4RY OF L1K3**

**GC: TH3 HYP3R FL3XIBL3 MYTHOLOGY 1T T41LORS TO 34CH PL4Y3R GROUP**

**TT: You mean, for instance... **

**TT: If a player were to learn she was a "Seer"? **

**GC: Y34H 3X4CTLY! S33R OF M1ND P4G3 OF BR34TH KN1GHT OF BLOOD M41D OF T1M3**

**GC: 3TC 3TC 3TC**

**GC: 12 FOR US BUT OBV1OUSLY 4 FOR YOU**

**GC: 3V3RY S3SS1ON 1S D1FF3R3NT**

**TT: And this voice? **

**GC: OH Y34H**

**GC: 1TS 4N 3X1L3**

**TT: Exiled from what? **

**GC: 1T TOOK US FOR3V3R TO F1GUR3 TH1S OUT**

**GC: B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3NT M34NT TO B3 4N OBV1OUS 4SP3CT OF TH3 G4M3**

**GC: TH3YR3 ON YOUR D34D PLAN3T**

**GC: JUST L1K3 TH3YR3 ON OURS**

**GC: Y34RS 4FT3R 1TS R3CKON1NG**

**GC: TH31R ROL3 1S TO H3LP YOU ON YOUR QU3ST 1N SOM3 W4YS**

**GC: TH3 OBV1OUS W4Y 1S BY D1R3CTLY GU1DING YOUR 4CT1ONS **

**GC: BUT M4YB3 TH3 MOR3 1MPORT4NT W4YS 4R3 TH3S3 L1TTL3 TH1NGS TH3Y DO PROB4BLY W1THOUT 3V3N R34L1Z1NG 1T**

**GC: 4CT1ONS TH4T COMPL3T3 LOOPS 1N TH3 T1M3L1NE**

**GC: COGS 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3**

**TT: Paradox space? **

**GC: OH H3LL**

**GC: L1ST3N TH3 UN1V3RS3 W1LL 34T P4R4DOX3S FOR BR34KF4ST**

**GC: 4ND SO W1LL TH1S G4M3**

**GC: G3T US3D TO 1T**

**GC: BY NOW YOU SHOULD R34L1Z3 TH1S WHOL3 M3SS W4S 4 B1G S3LF FULLF1LL1NG CLUST3RFUCK**

**GC: A HUG3 ORG14ST1C MOB1US DOUBL3 R34CH4ROUND**

**TT: I'm starting to see that. **

**TT: So the exiles are on Earth? Does that mean our goal is to get back there too? To resurrect it somehow? **

**GC: NO NO NO**

**GC: S33 1RON1C4LLY TH3Y G3T TO DO TH4T **

**GC: 4FT3R TH3YR3 DON3 H3LP1NG YOU TH4T 1S**

**GC: YOUR JOB 1S OF GR34T3R CONS3QU3NC3 TO S4Y TH3 L34ST**

**GC: BUT P4RT OF TH31R JOB 1S TO R3BU1LD L1F3 4ND C1V1L1Z4T1ON TH3R3**

**GC: 4ND 1F TH3YR3 SUCC3SSFUL 1N THOUS4NDS OR M1LL1ONS OF Y34RS TH3 T3CHNOLOGY 1S UN34RTH3D 4ND TH3 PL4N3T 1S R1P3 FOR S33D1NG 4LL OV3R 4G41N**

**TT: You never answered the question. Where were they exiled from? **

**GC: FROM TH3 TWO K1NGDOMS 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3**

**GC: 3XP4TR14T3D DUR1NG TH3 R3CKON1NG**

**GC: FORM3R 4G3NTS**

**TT: What are agents? **

**GC: 1 TH1NK**

**GC: TH1S W1LL B3 MOR3 CONSTRUCT1V3 **

**GC: 1F 1 CONT4CT YOU 4G41N 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3**

**GC: WH3N YOU KNOW MOR3**

**GC: 4ND 1 DONT H4V3 TO 3XPL41N SO MUCH**

**TT: When? **

**GC: 1N 4 COUPL3 OF S3CONDS**

**GC: FOR M3**

**GC: BUT NOT FOR YOU**

**GC: SUCK3R**

**- gallowsCalibrator****[GC]****ceased trolling tentacleTherapist** **[TT] ****-**


	32. Book 2 Chapter 16: Even More Trolls

Chapter 16: Even More Trolls

While Rose conversed with the troll, the past pulled a mean double reacharound.

**ghostyTrickster ****[GT]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]**

**GT: hey, happy birthday jade!**

**GG: yay thank you john! :D**

**GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.**

**GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.**

**GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that? you are running me ragged!**

**GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!**

**GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.**

**GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)**

**GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!**

**GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!**

**GT: oh man.**

**GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.**

**GT: ARGH.**

**GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!**

**GT: ok well i hope so.**

**GG: 3...**

**GG: uhhhh hold on**

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]**

**CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON'T BLOCK ME.**

**CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING.**

**CG: BUT JUST LISTEN.**

**GG: what do you want?**

**CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I'LL GO.**

**CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN.**

**GG: this is nonsense**

**GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!**

**GG: its so childish**

**CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE.**

**CG: I GET THAT.**

**CG: AND I CAN'T PROMISE I WON'T KEEP TROLLING YOU.**

**CG: CAUSE I WILL, IN WEEKS OR MONTHS OR WHATEVER.**

**CG: I'LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON'T BE PRESENT ME.**

**CG: THAT'S PAST ME.**

**CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK?**

**GG: D:**

**GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all...**

**GG: its another prank**

**CG: WHATEVER, FINE, THINK IT'S A PRANK.**

**CG: AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION.**

**CG: SEE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER US.**

**CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU.**

**CG: ARE YOU FOLLOWING?**

**GG: no**

**CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS.**

**CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT?**

**GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid?**

**GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions?**

**CG: YEAH, WELL I STILL DO THINK YOUR ROBOT IS STUPID.**

**CG: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.**

**CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.**

**GG: this is the worst prank youve ever pulled!**

**CG: QUIET.**

**CG: ANYWAY, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.**

**CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US.**

**CG: AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.**

**GG: why should i do that?**

**CG: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU.**

**CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON'T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB.**

**CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.**

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **ceased trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]**

**GG: ok im back sorry**

**GG: i had to tell someone to go away!**

**GT: oh god.**

**GT: the trolls again?**

**GG: yup :o**

**GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.**

**GT: it seems like there are so many.**

**GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.**

**GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!**

**GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy**

**GG: i have counted twelve**

**GT: what do they want with us!**

**GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john**

**GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!**

**GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.**

**GG: but i think they are mostly harmless**

**GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe**

**GT: oh wow, what? years?**

**GT: ok, well i am sick of them.**

**GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off.**

**GT: so...**

**GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.**

A mysterious gray boy with horns and a gray astrological symbol of Cancer on his otherwise black shirt, sitting at his computer, frowned. He was trying to at least show a bit of compassion towards the humans. Why didn't they fucking get it?

Jade sat on the grass outside. She'd just finished talking with John when the green package from her pen-pal appeared again. She'd been wondering when it was going to show up. It had been months since she'd last worked on it. Hopefully her friend had made the final modifications she required. She'd have to mail it soon so it reached John it time!

At the same time, a troll pestered John.

**- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **began trolling ghostyTrickster ****[GT]** **- **

**GC: H3H3**

**GT: uuuuugh**

**GC: H4H4H**

**GC: H3H3H3H3**

**GT: ?**

**GC: LOL!**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3**

**GC: :]**

**GT: well**

**GT: i guess you're not too bad a troll if this is all you do.**

**GT: just laughing and stuff.**

**GC: H33H33H33!**

**GC: H4H4H4H4**

**GT: hehe**

**GC: 4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GT: hehehehehehe**

**GC: JOHN**

**GC: WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL**

**GT: uh...**

**GC: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW MUCH YOU D1SGUST M3**

**GC: YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY**

**GC: 1F W3 3V3R M33T**

**GC: 1M GO1NG TO CUT YOUR THRO4T**

**GC: 4ND L1ST3N TO YOU BL33D WH1L3 1 SM3LL YOU D13**

**- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **ceased trolling ghostyTrickster ****[GT]** **-**

…okay… John thought it was time to change his chumhandle. To what, though? It had to be something they'd never suspect. What was that thing the troll had said he was a disgrace to? John had kind of a hard time reading shitty leetspeak in spite of his awesome hacker cred.

A mysterious gray girl with thick deep red glasses and horns, wearing a turquoise-colored astrological symbol of Libra upon her otherwise black shirt, smiled, exposing sharp carnivorous teeth.

The Parcel Mistress followed the Authority Regulator into enemy territory. It was a risky move and the dark palace made her a little uncomfortable, but it was imperative that she press on and recover that parcel. She'd brought along the parking citation from the car. If confronted, she would say she was only here to deliver payment and leave.

She had no idea where she was going. She passed a black carapacian with a diamond on his suit but was too afraid to ask.

She took a turn somewhere and found an especially regal-looking red carpet. She wondered where it could possibly lead. She gasped as she looked to her left. At the end of the carpet, the Black Queen sat on her dark gray checkerboard throne. She had a cut along her right eye, wore jesters' clothing, had a jester's hat on. Two long pink-and-black tentacles extended from her carapacian torso just beneath her arms and she wore a gold ring with four gems on it. Two of the gems were white and the other two a very dark gray. Her left arm was cut off at the shoulder.

PM shook in fear and held up the parking citation. The Black Queen eyed it carefully and directed her to the office of the Archagent, Jack Noir. Noir was in charge of most of the tedious paperwork around here.

"Rose, I must leave now. This is the last you will ever hear from me. Find your sprite. Realize your purpose." Rose returned to a more typical mindset. She suddenly felt empowered to make important decisions on her own without supervision. Parental or otherwise. Such as this one. She looked at the martini glass. Just a tiny sip couldn't hurt…

"Bluh!" she cried. It was utterly disgusting. How could her mother have stood the stuff?

In the future, WV and AR huddled together as something appeared. It was a Windswept Questant. She stood in front of the eggy looking ship thing in front of the dunes and crags of the background post-apocalyptic desert. The Mayor and the Renegade exchanged glances. What was this?

A few seconds before, inside WV's capsule, PM commanded John to put the carved tablet into a Pyxis. He did so. See, everyone was friendly and cooperative and…

An explosion was heard from outside. What the hell was that? It almost sounded like a huge egg had appeared in the sky and landed, and then someone mysterious had teleported out of it.

PM entered the office of Jack Noir but the Archagent was nowhere to be found. She spotted the green package on the desk there. If she acted quickly enough, maybe she could grab the package and get out of there before…

"Can I help you?" snarled a voice from behind her. She jumped and turned to see a black carpacian standing in the room.

"Oh, yeah," the Parcel Mistress said, shaking.

"That ticket had better be notarized and punched in triplicate and presented with the full boondollar penalty plus processing fees." Mr. Noir said. "Otherwise you are wasting valuable time that I could be using right now to shirk my clerical duties."

"Ticket?" PM said with a nervous laugh. "Oh, this thing? Ha ha, look at that, I'm holding a ticket! How did that get in my hand? It belongs on the desk with the others." She swallowed as the frightening man glared at her frighteningly. "No, I'm not here to pick up a parking ticket," she said. "I'm here to pick up that green parcel."

"Really?" Jack said with a smirk. He pulled a sword from its scabbard on his belt. "I'd rather stab something to death than process the avalanche of paperwork needed to release the confiscated freight. Also any legit courier would have the pickup forms ready to go. In spite of how I'm supposed to be dressed now but am not, I ain't nobody's fool." PM shook a bit. Jack's expression softened.

"Okay, look. Maybe an understanding can be reached." He gave her a hit list, which consisted of two cards, one of the White Queen and the other of the White King. He also gave her a sword. "If you bring me their crowns," Jack instructed, "then I'll give you the box.

The Parcel Mistress departed with her mission of double agency. Jack wondered if she'd actually be foolish enough to attempt to uphold her end of the lopsided bargain. He made a policy of handing out a regisword and hitlist to just about everyone who entered his office. But he never thought anyone would _actually _go through with it. He wished he could watch. She was a dead woman.

Noir wondered why she'd been so desperate to acquire this package. What was inside? He opened the box and his eyes widened in surprise.

Mr. Orange Guy stopped. He five hours of energy were up and he felt more tired than ever. He stood up and stretched. But it wasn't done yet. Not even close. He rubbed his eyes. He was inhuman! Mwah ha ha ha! He had to keep going. He had to finish Homestuck. He was ready.

The artist sat at his computer and pulled up Adobe Photoshop. He began to draw. He began to draw Dave and the Punch Designix in the Striders' apartment hallway.

To be continued in Book 3: Flight of the Paradox Clones


	33. Book 3 Chapter 1: Upgrades & More Trolls

Book 3: Flight of the Paradox Clones

Hey people. If you have read this far, thank you very much. From now on I'll be updating a few chapters a week until I reach the point where I'm done with everything I've written so far. At that point, the upgrades will be less common - more sparse. But that will not be soon at all. Until then, enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 1: Upgrades and More Trolls

Dave decided to punch some more cards. He'd leeched more than enough grist from John to afford a Punch Designix, which for some reason Jade had put in the hallway. It made it kind of hard to walk through the apartment, but whatever. He also had plenty of grist for messing around with the Alchemiter to manufacture some new gear if he wanted. But first he wanted to figure out what the Jumper Block was for.

Jade kept dropping a weird assortment of objects for him to captchalogue and punch. He'd given up trying to identify any rhyme or reason to the thought process behind it.

Dave stuck a punched blender card into a shunt just for the hell of it, and stuck it on the jumper pins on the Jumper Block. The Alchemiter was fitted with a blender upgrade, which didn't seem all that useful. It ground up the totem Dave had used to make the egg.

Jade deployed another shunt. Dave stuck a punched Gamebro Magazine card into it and put it on the jumper pins. The Alchemiter was upgraded with a huge metal bust of this awesome bro. However, the bust was on top of the alchemizing pad, rendering the device useless. It was time to yank out all the shunts and start over.

Jade sat on her bed in her room. Her inscrutable thought process led her to draw a Punch Designix on her scribblepad. The pad recognized the drawing, but there was no Designix around, and even if there had been, it would obviously have been too large to captchalogue. Instead, the ghost image of the Designix was captcha'd, along with its captcha code on the back.

Jade's sylladex consisted of a ghost Dutton photo, a ghost pumpkin with no discernible code, a ghost pair of gloves with assorted trinkets, a ghost ordinary bass guitar, a ghost robot thing, and now a ghost Designix.

**GG: dave here punch this code!**

**GG: L229BxoG**

**GG: and then put it in the jumper shunty thing and see what it does**

**TG: ok**

Dave squeezed through the door into the hallway and punched the code "L229BxoG" onto a blank captchalogue card. He then proceeded back upstairs and placed the card into one of the shunts. Suddenly, a little panel appeared in the Alchemiter. It looked exactly like the Designix.

**TG: so i guess this is just a built in designix**

**TG: which is sort of cool i guess**

**TG: since i wont have to go downstairs and bang the hallway door into the thing and squeeze through every time i want to punch a card**

**TG: because of course you couldnt have just put it next to the alchemiter in the first place**

**TG: but then i have to go downstairs anyway to make totems and get cruxite and stuff**

**TG: so really who cares**

**GG: well i think this is only one way to consolidate all the gizmo features...**

**GG: hang on ill give you more codes!**

Dave clearly didn't have enough grist to deploy the Holopad, whatever it did. But maybe they could get it as a freebie upgrade to the Alchemiter. It looked like it'd worked! Jade loved her scribblepad.

Dave upgraded the Alchemiter with the Holopad. The totem pedestal was converted into a holographic projector. It projected the image of the item the punch code represented. This seemed useful for previewing an item a code would produce without spending the grist on it. But without the totem pedestal, the Alchemiter was unusable. At least without further upgrades.

Jade drew the Totem Lathe and went through the whole process of captcha-ing and sending to Dave. Strider applied the upgrade to the Alchemiter. Now the Holopad projected a hologram of the totem that a punch card would create instead of the item itself. Once the totem was projected, the Alchemiter would produce the item.

This appeared to turn the Alchemiter into a one stop-shopping hub. All you had to do was punch a card, stick it in, and out came your item. Nice!

Jade drew the Jumper Block Extension so that Dave could upgrade the Alchemiter with… uh… the Jumper Block Extension? The drawing was crappy but it seemed to work anyway.

Dave applied the upgrade. Suddenly, the Jumper Block Extension was pulled into the side of the Alchemizer. This was getting a bit abstract. But it appeared to be economizing on space. All he had to do was stick a card in a slot on the side of the Alchemizer to apply an upgrade. He didn't have to bother with the shunts anymore.

Jade tried to draw the Intellibeam Laserstation, but it was rather complicated. Dammit! The scribblepad interpreted it as some kind of mechanical transformer or something.

In the meantime, Dave captchalogued the image enlarger from his dismantled photography lab and applied it to the Alchemiter. He wasn't exactly sure what it did, but he thought maybe he could use it to resize items.

Jade ghost-captcha'd the huge air conditioner and gave Dave the code to mess around with. He put the code into the Designix and produced the air conditioning unit. Size was variable now, though, so Dave could change the size of the air conditioner from a tiny thing that fit in his pocket to the size of a copper giclops. The bigger it was, the more expensive, as one would expect. He made a tiny air conditioner that cost 10 units of build grist. Totally not a waste of time. Not at all!

Finally, John found his father's car. It was near the base of the rock pillar that his house was on top of. The car was surrounded by caution tape for some reason. He was reminded to be cautious. Thus, he cautiously inspected the vehicle. To no one's surprise but his, the package and game envelope were both missing. Oh, someone was bugging him. It was GC, the one with the Libra shirt and the red glasses (though John didn't know that).

**- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

**GC: JOHN 1TS M3 4G41N**

**EB: who?**

**EB: oh, that's right...**

**EB: the leetspeaking blind one.**

**EB: go away!**

**GC: JOHN DONT M4K3 FUN OF MY H4ND1C4P**

**EB: which one, the blindness or the leetspeak.**

**GC: 1 4M S3NS1T1VE 4BOUT BOTH**

**EB: sorry.**

**GC: YOU C4N M4K3 1T UP TO M3**

**GC: BY L3TT1NG M3 H3LP YOU**

**EB: wow, you drive a hard bargain!**

**EB: but nooooooooooooo.**

**GC: B3FOR3 YOU K33P TYP1NG MOR3 STUP1D O'S 1N TH4T WORD**

**GC: JUST L1ST3N 4ND DO WH4T 1 S4Y**

**GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO 3V3NTU4LLY 4NYW4Y**

**GC: B3C4US3 YOUR3 4 N1C3 GUY 4ND K1ND OF 4 TOT4L W33N13 PUSHOV3R**

**EB: yeah, well you're a huge...**

**EB: oh man, whatever, what do you even want.**

**GC: 1M MOT1V4T3D BY S3LF 1NT3R3ST**

**GC: TO H3LP YOU 4DV4NC3 MOR3 QU1CKLY**

**GC: B3C4US3 1V3 GOT YOUR WHOL3 ADV3NTUR3 R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF M3**

**EB: do you have a braille screen or something?**

**GC: SHHHHHHHH!**

**GC: 4NYW4Y TH3 PO1NT 1S**

**GC: 1TS LONG AND BOR1NG**

**GC: 4ND YOU COULD ST4ND TO SK1P SOM3 ST3PS**

**EB: i don't really understand.**

**EB: so you can "see" my whole future there, right?**

**EB: by just like, scrolling around on some computer thing that lets you pick what time to talk to me?**

**EB: how can you be bored by my long boring future, why don't you just scroll around to wherever you want like the other weirdos are doing?**

**GC: OK 1 C4N DO TH4T**

**GC: 4ND 1 4M**

**GC: 1 GU3SS WH4T 1 R34LLY M34N 1S**

**GC: 1 JUST W4NT TO M3SS W1TH YOU**

**EB: oh ok, that sounds really great and helpful!**

**GC: 1 M34N M3SS W1TH TH3 T1M3L1N3**

**GC: MY FR13NDS 4LL TH1NK TH4T YOU C4NT R34LLY CH4NG3 4NYTH1NG**

**GC: TH4T YOUR T1M3L1NE W3'R3 CH4T-HOPP1NG 4ROUND 1S S3T 1N STON3**

**GC: NO M4TT3R WH4T W3 S4Y OR WH3N W3 S4Y 1T**

**GC: 4ND TH3YR3 PROB4BLY R1GHT**

**GC: BUT 1 DONT C4R3**

**GC: 1 W4NT TO M3SS W1TH 1T 4ND T4ST3 WH4T H4PPENS**

**GC: :D**

**EB: sounds dumb.**

**EB: but if it means you're going to help me, then go ahead and help me i guess.**

**GC: L3TS G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 F1RST**

**GC: 1TS NOT F4R**

**GC: 1 SN1FF3D OUT 4 M4P OF YOUR PL4N3T**

**EB: whoa, you've got a map?**

**EB: where'd you get it?**

**GC: JOHN W3 AR3 SO MUCH B3TT3R TH4N YOU IN 3V3RY R3SP3CT 1TS R1D1CULOUS**

**EB: can i have it?**

**GC: 1TS HUG3**

**GC: 4ND MOSTLY 1RR3L3V4NT**

**GC: H3R3 L3T M3 DR4W YOU 4 SM4LL S3CT1ON OF 1T**

**GC: SHOW1NG YOU WH3R3 TO GO**

**EB: ok.**

**- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **sent ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **the file "GOH3R3JOHN.G1F" -**

John opened the image on his glasses. All he saw was a mess of colors and a crappy yellow dotted arrow pointing from him to a tube.

**EB: this is the worst crap i have ever seen.**

**EB: what am i looking at here?**

**GC: 1TS TH3 B3ST 1 CAN DO**

**GC: :[**

**EB: ok sorry but it's useless.**

**EB: what's with these colors.**

**GC: 1 P1CK3D ON3S TH4T SM3LL N1C3**

**EB: couldn't you just, like...**

**EB: crop the world map.**

**EB: i thought you guys were THE BEST.**

**GC: SHUT UP MY M4P 1S F1N3**

**GC: LOOK 1TS NOT 3V3N TH4T F4R 4W4Y**

**GC: 1LL L34D YOU TO 1T**

**GC: 1TS 4 B1G P1P3**

**GC: YOU JUMP 1N**

**GC: TH3 W1ND W1LL T4K3 YOU TO TH3 G4T3**

**GC: 1TS 4 SHORTCUT**

**EB: you mean The Breeze?**

**GC: Y34H WH4T3V3R**

**GC: L3TS G3T MOV1NG JOHN**

**GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY TO FUCK UP TH3 T1M3L1N3?**

**EB: sure.**

Rose killed a chalk imp and a marble imp with her knitting needles. Next in line to be thrashed was a lime… ogre? A giant ogre in a jester suit and pink shoes appeared before her. Rose leaped at it and stabbed it in the eyes with her needles. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the sky but Rose was too busy killing the lime ogre. She jumped up and landed on its back, holding a thread of yarn connected to the needles.

Rose pulled on the reins and directed the ogre into the waterfall at the base of her house. They both fell into the rainbow ocean. Someone was pestering her.

**TG: im building up your house**

**TG: by the way why do you live in this weird compound**

**TG: do you host east european industrial raves**

**TG: nevermind the point is**

**TG: im out of grist**

**TG: so if youre done whipping that ogre like a rented mule**

**TG: maybe you could convert it into a grist windfall**

**TT: Right now?**

**TT: The spoils would sink.**

**TG: i dont know beach the thing first i guess**

**TG: unless you were planning on sailing that ogre down the mississippi with a runaway slave**

**TT: And then what?**

**TG: what do you mean**

**TG: you kill it**

**TG: release a shitload of grist**

**TG: maybe take one of your needles and puncture the base of its skull**

**TG: does it even have a skull**

**TG: or a brain stem**

**TG: can you find out**

**TT: That sounds malicious.**

**TG: what**

**TG: but you just rigged the thing with an oedipal harness and rode its torso like a log flume ride down a magical rainbow**

**TT: That was self defense.**

**TT: Murdering a wounded behemoth in its sleep strikes me as unseemly.**

**TG: this is bullshit its an unfeeling monster who gives a fuck**

**TT: Maybe you could replicate a pillow I could use to smother it.**

**TT: Make it a clean hit.**

**TT: I would use one of mine but they've all mysteriously gone missing.**

**TG: wow fuck ok**

**TG: you can either kill it for the loot or wait a couple hours for gristtorrent to steal more of johns**

**TG: but then again ill be pretty busy in a couple hours so make up your mind**

**TT: Does John know we've been sapping his grist yet?**

**TG: no but hes still got a ton so screw him**

**TT: Hold on, someone's messaging me.**

**TG: yeah me too**

**- grimAuxiliatrix****[GA]****began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG] ****- **

**GA: You Command The Seer**

**GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition**

**TG: who **

**GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty **

**TG: oh yeah sure **

**TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews **

**GA: Thats An Exotic Title**

**GA: I Thought You Were The Knight**

**TG: wrong what do you want **

**GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly**

**GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort**

**TG: what the hell **

**GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight**

**GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right**

**GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh**

**GA: Endearment**

**TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill **

**TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there **

**TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs **

**TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black **

**GA: Um Is This**

**GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship**

**GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong**

**TG: man wait **

**TG: whats this about **

**TG: you have a thing for her dont you **

**TG: dont deny it bro its obvious **

**GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination**

**TG: hahahaha so terrible **

**TG: what a transparent dodge **

**TG: all hiding behind your alien shit **

**TG: just admit it **

**TG: you want me to help you win her over **

**GA: I Just Would Like To Gather**

**GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity**

**TG: ok well its easy **

**TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite **

**TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do **

**GA: Maddening**

**GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns**

**GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly ****The Ultimate Riddle**

**TG: oh my flipping christ **

**TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs **

**GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark**

**GA: I Have Been Practicing**

**GA: Your Human Sarcasm**

**TG: oh ok **

**TG: that was pretty good **

**TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it **

**GA: Very Well**

**GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship**

**TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll **

**GA: That Was Sincerity**

**TG: oh **

**TG: alright look **

**TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops **

**TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit **

**TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not **

**GA: Then**

**GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things**

**TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah **

**TG: be like **

**TG: an antagonism ninja **

**TG: like her **

**TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing **

**TG: it could be a horrible thing though **

**GA: It Sounds Like**

**GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again**

**GA: Which I Have Tried**

**GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor**

**TG: yeah i guess i am **

**TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll **

**GA: Okay**

**GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed**

**TG: good luck bro**

**- adiosToreador ** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**AT: hIIII, sO,**

**AT: yOU GET BOSSED AROUND BY THE KNIGHT, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION,**

**TT: Who?**

**AT: oH, tHE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE "cool", i THINK,**

**AT: tHE SUN GLASSES GUY,**

**TT: Why would someone wear sunglasses while using a computer?**

**AT: iIII DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A COMPUTER, bUT,**

**AT: yES, hAAAAAH,**

**AT: i THOUGHT THE SAME THING ABOUT HOW ASININE THAT IS,**

**AT: sO, yOU KNOW THAT GUY, uMMM,**

**TT: I know that anyone committed to such an affectation could only be striving to mask a severe insecurity complex, and likely harbors a crisis of self-image.**

**TT: I've been known to lend my charitable attention to such people, but only "bossed around" by them insofar as the psychiatric professional has cause to humor the demented for analytical purposes.**

**TT: Or maybe as a lab chimp commands the zookeeper's interest in its shit by forcing him to duck under its trajectory now and then.**

**AT: oK, wOW, i DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THOSE THINGS,**

**AT: bUT, uHH, i MEAN DAVE,**

**TT: Oh, that guy.**

**AT: yEAH, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION,**

**AT: aBOUT HIM,**

**AT: i WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITIES,**

**AT: aND, uM, wHAT ARE THE TENDER SPOTS THAT ALL THOSE, uHHH,**

**AT: dEVICES HE EMPLOYS TO CONCEAL THEM, uHH, lIKE ALL THE THINGS HE SAYS HE THINKS ARE FUNNY,**

**TT: Tender spots?**

**TT: Your word choices are evocative.**

**TT: Is your design to couple with this gentleman?**

**AT: wHOAAAAAAAA, nO, nO, wHOA,**

**AT: oK, nO, tHAT JUST MADE ME FEEL UPSET TO THINK ABOUT,**

**AT: i JUST WANT TO REALLY TRY TO BOTHER HIM, iT'S HARD,**

**TT: If you're trying to get his goat, you should know he only stocks the animal in the first place for ironic purposes.**

**AT: nO, i'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN HIS EARTH GOAT, bUT IF THAT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH THEN i GUESS THAT'S OK,**

**TT: Then we're agreed; you are hellbent upon literally seizing his shrill, bearded livestock.**

**TT: I'll assist you.**

**AT: uHH,**

**TT: If you really want to burn him, I recommend poetry.**

**AT: wHAT, pOETRY, aS IN LIKE THOSE HUMAN WORD BUNCHES,**

**TT: Yes. They are the most delicious bunches we have.**

**TT: I suggest you serve these crisp bunches of honey and verbal annihilation to him as part of a complete breakfast.**

**AT: oH, aND, wILL THIS BREAKFAST INJURE HIS SHRILL BARN BEAST,**

**AT: i MEAN THIS FIGURATIVELY, jUST TO BE CLEAR,**

**TT: A deft cluster-bombing of this sort will leave nothing wriggling from the razed earth.**

**TT: Except sulfurous tresses while it cracks and turns black.**

**AT: yOU MEAN, lIKE, tHE SURFACE OF AN OVERCOOKED PROTEIN OBJECT,**

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: I suppose what I'm saying is this.**

**TT: Drop some hard, peer-reviewed motherfuckin' science on his ass.**

**TT: Some seriously government funded shit.**

**TT: It will destroy him.**

**AT: aAAAAHAHAHAH, yES,**

**AT: tHIS IS THE IDEA THAT i LIKE,**

**TT: Your obvious cunning with words should depants Strider with such vivid empyrean tempest, a nether-regional sonic boom is certain inevitability.**

**TT: But even so.**

**TT: Consider me at your disposal to help craft a comeuppance of such unqualified devastation, the angels will weep pearlstrings of little urban fellows cantillating an unbroken chorus of Oh Snaps.**

**AT: pLEEEEASE,**

**AT: i THINK i AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF MANUFACTURING THESE ALLEGED "dope" HUMAN RHYMES,**

**AT: aND STARTING SOME SICK FIRES,**

**AT: i DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY, tHAT YOU SAID YOU LEND,**

**AT: tO, uHHH,**

**AT: eARTH MONKEYS WHO TOSS AROUND POOP, oR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,**

**AT: yOU'RE PRETTY SNOOTY,**

**AT: tHANKS FOR YOUR HELP, bUT I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP,**

**adiosToreador ** **blocked tentacleTherapist ****[TT]**

**adiosToreador ** **unblocked tentacleTherapist ****[TT]**

**AT: oOPS, sORRY, i DIDN'T MEAN TO BLOCK YOU,**

**TT: uMMMM,**

Rose sighed and began to close out of Pesterchum when someone else began pestering her. It was Ms. Pretentious Green Text.


	34. Book 3 Chapter 2: GA, AT, and CG

Chapter 2: GA, AT, and CG

**- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**GA: Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You**

**GA: I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism**

**GA: What Do You Think About This**

**TT: I think you're shrewd to have recognized his ploy of sabotage, and you've earned my compliments.**

**GA: Ah See It Is Working Already**

**TT: What is?**

**GA: Ive Listened To His Advice**

**GA: And Have Resolved To Modify The Approach Slightly**

**GA: I Know What I Have To Do**

**GA: What We Have To Do Really**

**TT: What's that?**

**GA: Remember The First Time We Spoke**

**TT: Yes, but you said it wasn't the first time you spoke to me.**

**TT: We'll graciously omit my embarrassing skepticism however.**

**GA: The First Time You Spoke To Me Was The Second Time I Spoke To You**

**TT: This conversation doesn't sound like your first time either.**

**GA: This Is Your Second Conversation With Me But Is My Seventh With You**

**TT: And when exactly does your maiden encounter take place?**

**GA: Thats Next Time**

**TT: So to clarify.**

**TT: If the matching of my first with your second is denoted by 1=2, then the sequence would be:**

**TT: 1=2, 2=7, 3=1, 4=?, ...**

**GA: Yes And The Rest Of The Sequence Is Simply**

**GA: 4=3, 5=4, 6=5, 7=6**

**GA: Unless My Future Self Stowed Another Conversation In Between One Of Those Which Is Entirely Possible**

**GA: But Urrgh I Dont Want To Think About That**

**TT: Why is it that when the subject of temporal mechanics is broached your sparing troll intellects etcetera etcetera.**

**GA: See That Is What I Mean Rose You Are Not As Dumb Of A Girl As I Was Initially Lead To Believe**

**TT: You mean based on the first impression I am apparently about to make in our next conversation?**

**GA: Yes**

**TT: What could I possibly say that will leave such an imprint?**

**GA: That Is Why I Have Contacted You Now**

**GA: I Will Send You A Copy Our First Conversation Directly From My Chat Log**

**- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **sent tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **the file " " - **

**TT: I guess being forced to cooperate with a stable time loop is the only plausible explanation for my remarks.**

**GA: Yes And Then I Found It Sort Of Curious That During My Next Conversation With You Your Various Mental Endowments And Wherewithals Were Not As They Seemed**

**GA: I Suspected The Stratagem Might Be A Counter Trolling Measure But Then Was Not So Sure And Further Examination Grew Warrant**

**TT: And what if my counter-counter measure is to choose not to transcribe this dialogue accurately in the future-first place?**

**GA: But See I Have Edited The Copy Already In Ways That Will Remain Secret For Now But You Will Discover Once You Type It**

**GA: So You Are Destined To Edit It No Matter What And What You Submit Will Be What I Once Read Regardless**

**GA: !**

**TT: Unless I decide to copy it word-for-word!**

**GA: Yes Unless I Lied About Editing It In The First Place**

**GA: Either Way Through Knowledge Of What You Will Say I Have Precisely Engineered The Nature Of Your Transgression**

**GA: !**

**TT: So your trolling strategy now is to put idiotic words in my mouth through the machinery of temporal inevitability, and cause me to excruciate over how to subvert the transcription?**

**GA: Yes**

**TT: While being perfectly up front about it?**

**GA: Yes I Suppose Its That Sarcasm All The Time Seems Laborious To Me**

**TT: I'll admit, it's a more advanced tactic than I gave you credit for.**

**GA: Yes And The Providence Of This Antagonism Ninja Vice Grip Pinching Your Larynx Has Already Begun To Supply My Purpose With Fruit**

**GA: The Chilly Frost Shimmering On Our Tree Of Human Friendship Has Begun To Thaw**

**TT: Mixed metaphor aside, usually ninjas don't announce what they're doing when they're doing it.**

**TT: Like when stalking an emperor to assassinate him.**

**TT: Or befriend him.**

**TT: But that's fine.**

**TT: I guess the only pointless question we haven't exhausted is, why?**

**TT: Why the convoluted artifice?**

**GA: Dave Raised Insight Into The Human Psychology Of Friendship Development**

**GA: By Allotting You Your Side Of The Conversation I Have You At The Disadvantage In Your View And You Will Seek To Reclaim Higher Ground**

**GA: In Successive Conversations**

**GA: 4=3 And 5=4 And Such**

**GA: Your Demeanor Will Be Terse If Not Saturated With Disdain And It Will Cause Me To Be Confused And Question Your Motivation**

**GA: But Now I Know Your Motivation Because I Am Supplying It Here And Now**

**GA: They Will Be Simple Acts Of Friendly Human Retaliation**

**TT: So you're not only rigging the first impression I make on you, but orchestrating my revenge for the rigging as well?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: It Seems Friendship For Some Humans Is A Basic Aggregation Of Shallow And Insincere Hostilities**

**TT: That's an interesting take on it.**

**TT: But now I know for sure Dave isn't behind this plan.**

**TT: It's too complicated.**

**GA: I Dont Understand**

**GA: Who Better To Coordinate Such Events Than The Knight Of Time**

**TT: You're awfully quick to his defense.**

**TT: Are you sure you don't have a thing for him?**

**TT: It's ok, bro. You can admit it.**

**GA: I'm Hopping To 8=8**

**GA: Ideally You Will Have Long Since Discarded This Train Of Thought**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: I'm going to talk to my dead cat.**

The reason for this was that, during their conversation, Jaspersprite had appeared, floating with his silly pink visage.

A mysterious gray-skinned girl with curly black hair and black lipstick sat at her computer, wearing a black shirt with a green astrological symbol of Virgo on it. One of her orange horns drooped slightly. She smiled. This was actually fun, if a waste of time.

Dave sat at his computer, drawing a new SBAHJ comic, when he was contacted by the orange-typing troll.

**- adiosToreador ** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **- **

**AT: oKAYYYY, mY BROMO SAPIEN,**

**AT: r U READY,**

**AT: tO GET STRAIGHT IN, FLAT DOWN, BROAD SIDE, SCHOOL FED UP THE BONE BULGE,**

**AT: bY A DOPE SMACKED, TRINKED OUT, SMOTHER FUDGING,**

**AT: tROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL,**

**TG: dont care**

He continued to draw his SBAHJ comic.

**AT: oK, lET ME,**

**AT: oRGANIZE MY NOTES HERE,**

**AT: oKAYYY,**

**AT: (tURN ON SOME STRICT BEATS MAYBE, iT WILL HELP TO LISTEN TO THEM WHILE i DESTROY YOU,)**

**AT: wHEN THE POLICE MAN BUSTS ME, aND POPS THE TRUNK,**

**AT: hE'S ALL SUPRISED TO FIND I'M TOTING SICK BILLY,**

**AT: wHOSE,**

**AT: gOAT IS THAT, hE ASKS, wHILE HE STOPS TO THUNK**

**AT: aBOUT IT, aND i'S JUST SAY IT'S DAVE'S, yOU SILLY**

**AT: gOOSE,**

**AT: bUT THE MAN SAYS, gOOSE! wHERE, lET ME SEE YOUR HANDS,**

**AT: aND i SAY SHIT SORRY, i DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HONKTRABAND,**

**AT: wOW, oK,**

**AT: i AM GETTING OFF THE POINT, wHICH WAS, **

**AT: aBOUT THIS HOT MESS DAVE, tHAT YOU GOT LANDED IN,**

**AT: lIKE THE COP i MENTIONED, bUT INSTEAD OF YOUR BADGE, **

**AT: aND YOUR GUN, IT'S YOUR ASS THAT YOU HANDED IN,**

**AT: (aND THEN GOT HANDED BACK TO YOU,)**

**AT: cAUSE THAT'S HOW HUMANS GET SERVED,**

**AT: aND GUYS LIKE YOU DESERVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT iT'S,**

**AT: a CIRCLE AND HORNS IN YOUR BUTT THAT GOT BRANDED IN,**

**AT: (uMM, bEFORE i GAVE YOUR ASS BACK TO YOU, i DID THAT, iS WHAT i MEAN,)**

**AT: bUT i MEAN, gETTING BACK TO THE POINT, oR MAYBE TWO ACTUALLY,**

**AT: tHE FIRST IS YOU SUCK, aND THE SECOND IS HOW i SMACKEDYOUFULLY,**

**AT: (oH YEAH, tHAT RHYME WAS SO ILLLLLLLLL,)**

**AT: bUT NO, jUST JOKING, lET'S SEE, hOW CAN i PUT THIS TACTFULLULLY,**

**AT: i MEAN THE POINTS ON THE HORNS ON MY HEAD,**

**AT: cOMING AT YOU THROUGH TRAFFIC,**

**AT: aIMED AT THE TARGET ON ****YOUR SHIRT THAT IS RED****,**

**AT: wE'RE ABOUT TO GET MAD HORNOGRAPHIC,**

**AT: (i MEAN SORT OF LIKE A GRAPHIC CRIME SCENE, nOT LIKE,)**

**AT: (aNYTHING SEXUAL,)**

**AT: (eRR, wHOAAAAA,)**

**AT: (nEVERMIND,)**

**AT: oK, gETTING BACK TO THE ACTUAL, tACTICAL, vERNACULAR SMACKCICLE,**

**AT: i'M FORCING YOU TO BE LICKING, (aND lIKING,)**

**AT: gRAB MY HORNS AND START KICKING, lIKE YOU'RE RIDING A VIKING,**

**AT: cAUSE i'M YOUR BULLY, aND YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE,**

**AT: yOU THINK YOU'RE IN CHARGE BUT YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE,**

**AT: i'M IN CHARGE, cAUSE i'M CHARGING IN,**

**AT: yOUR CHINASHOP,**

**AT: bREAKING, uH, yOUR PLATES AND STUFF, WHICH i DON'T REALLY KNOW,**

**AT: wHAT THE PLATES ARE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT, bUT,**

**AT: (fUCK,)**

**AT: iT'S JUST THAT YOU THINK YOU ARE THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT**

**AT: bUT WHEN IN FACT YOU ARE NOT, mORE LIKE YOU ARE,**

**AT: sOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT,**

**AT: bUT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE COCK'S SHIT,**

**AT: sO, gIVEN THAT, lET ME BE THE FIRST,**

**AT: tO SAY YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOLD FROM PROSPIT,**

**AT: wHEN YOU'RE REALLY COLD SHIT FLUSHED FROM DERSE,**

A mysterious gray-skinned boy sat at his computer. He had rather large orange horns that stuck out to the sides then went up to form points. He had pointy white teeth, wore a black shirt with an orange symbol of Taurus on it, and a jacket over the shirt. He'd just started some sick fires, bro!

John flew out of a pipe with a "flurp", the items in his sylladex ejected with him. The dirty bunny, covered with black goo, landed in one of the imp slime rivers. It began to flow down a drain but John landed next to it and grabbed it just before it fell to the depths below and became the possession of whatever was snoring down there.

Wearing his green slime wise guy suit, he held the bunny in one of his ghost-gauntleted hands. He walked over to a pair of salamanders, one large and the other small. He pictured Nick Cage as Cameron Poe looking at his loving wife and daughter in his rough-and-tumble suit and holding a bunny for little Casey.

"I got a present for you, Casey," John said. "It's a little dirty. A little rough around the edge just like your dear old ex con dad. WITH A HEART OF GOLD." He didn't realize he'd been yelling. He gave Casey the bunny and embraced the two salamanders as the younger one blew bubbles from its mouth. Both **CG **and **GC**began pestering him, annoyed and laughing, respectively.

**- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

**CG: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN HORSE SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.**

**CG: OH MY LORD.**

**CG: NO WONDER YOU LOSERS ALL FUCK UP THIS GAME SO BAD.**

**EB: what?**

**EB: i am just acting out a scene from an awesome movie and having some fun, what's wrong with that?**

**CG: WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY EARTH MOVIE IS THIS.**

**CG: STUPID RABBIT ASSHOLE SCREWS THE POOCH?**

**EB: no, it's about these criminals on a runaway plane, and they've got to be stopped by nick cage and john cusack together as a team.**

**CG: OH.**

**CG: OK, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS.**

**EB: it is sweet, so sweet, you would probably like it.**

**CG: I'VE HEARD OF JOHN CUSACK I THINK.**

**CG: WASN'T HE IN SERENDIPITY?**

**CG: THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT FOR A HUMAN FLICK.**

**EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad!**

**CG: OK I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.**

**EB: don't you have alien movies from your alien planet?**

**CG: YEAH OF COURSE, WE HAVE TONS OF MOVIES AND THEY ARE INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO YOUR PRIMITIVE CINEMATIC NEANDERTHRASHINGS.**

**EB: ok, so what is a really good one?**

**CG: YOU'LL PROBABLY LAUGH IF I TELL YOU THE NAME OF ONE.**

**EB: well, i already laughed when you said the name of one of ours, so who cares?**

**CG: OK FINE.**

**CG: ONE THAT IS AMAZING AND IS A CLASSIC IS...**

**CG: WHEREIN NUMEROUS VIGILANTES CONFRONT PERIL; ONE OF THEM BETRAYS THE OTHERS; (BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE PART OF THE PLAN ALL ALONG);**

**CG: SEVERAL ATTRACTIVE FEMALE LEADS PROVOKE ROMANTIC TENSION; FOUR MAJOR CHARACTERS WEAR UNUSUAL HATS; ONE HOLDS PLOT-CRITICAL SECRET;**

**CG: 47 ON-SCREEN EXPLOSIONS, ONE RESULTING IN DEMISE OF KEY-ADVERSARY; 6 to 20 LINES THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS HUMOROUS;**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: this is the title?**

**CG: IT GOES ON.**

**CG: THEY TEND TO BE MORE LITERAL AND INFORMATIVE THAN YOUR TITLES.**

**EB: how do you even say them in casual conversation?**

**CG: WELL WE DON'T OBVIOUSLY.**

**CG: IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SAYS, HEY GUYS WHY DON'T WE GO SEE A MOVIE, AND THEN EVERYONE JUST ENDS UP THERE.**

**CG: WATCHING IT.**

**CG: NOT SAYING IT, THAT'S DUMB.**

**CG: JOHN, TRY TO THINK OUTSIDE YOUR MINUSCULE CULTURAL BUBBLE FOR A CHANGE.**

**EB: ok, i just think it's still cumbersome and completely illogical.**

**CG: YEAH THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START RUNNING OUT OF MOVIE TITLES AFTER RACKING UP THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF FILM HISTORY.**

**CG: YOU KNOW I THINK YOUR CIVILIZATION JUST DIDN'T MATURE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING.**

**CG: BEFORE LETTING THIS EARTH ARABIAN YOU CALL A GENIE OUT OF THE BOTTLE.**

**CG: MUST EXPLAIN WHY IT SPROUTED SUCH A MISERABLE CROP OF PLAYERS.**

**CG: INSTEAD OF BASICALLY GODS LIKE US.**

**EB: well, i've got one of your godly players helping me now, so we can't be in such bad shape.**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.**

**EB: GC gave me a map.**

**EB: and showed me a shortcut.**

**CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING.**

**CG: THIS ISN'T WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT DOING AT ALL.**

**CG: HOLD ON LET ME ASK HER ABOUT THIS...**

**EB: ok.**

**CG: OK...**

**CG: NOW SHES JUST OVER THERE GIGGLING AT ME LIKE AN IMBECILE.**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO, WHY ARE YOU IN CAHOOTS NOW?**

**EB: umm...**

**CG: OW FUCK!**

**CG: OK SHE JUST WALKED OVER AND PUNCHED ME.**

**CG: AND SAID IT WAS FROM YOU.**

**EB: uh, sorry i guess?**

**CG: I TOLD HER TO STOP THESE SHENANIGANS...**

**CG: BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHATEVER SHE WAS DOING WITH YOU SHE ALREADY DID A WHILE AGO.**

**CG: FROM MY PERSPECTIVE AT LEAST.**

**EB: i don't know why you guys are doing this to yourselves.**

**EB: all this time jackassery, it's giving me a headache.**

**CG: OK IF YOU TALK TO HER AGAIN WHEN SHE TRIES HATCHING MORE PLANS GIVE HER A MESSAGE INTO THE PAST FOR ME.**

**EB: ok.**

**CG: TELL HER TO POLISH MY HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT.**

**CG: ITS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE.**

**EB: i like how you guys have basically resorted to trolling each other, through us.**

**CG: FUCK YOU.**

**EB: oh, did you talk to jade yet?**

**CG: JADE, WHAT WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO HER?**

**EB: ummm, that's what you said you wanted to do last time you talked to me, i dunno.**

**CG: OH DAMMIT.**

**CG: ARE YOU SURE?**

**EB: yeah, you told me dude.**

**EB: want me to paste the conversation?**

**CG: NO NO, GOD NO, I HATE IT WHEN WE START GOING DOWN THAT ROAD.**

**CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE FURTHER INVESTIGATION.**

**CG: I'VE GOT TO GO.**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: but next time you talk to me, you might want to tell me to calm down first so i don't just block you.**

**EB: back then i won't really want to hear from you.**

**CG: OK, I'LL DO THAT.**

**EB: later.**


	35. Book 3 Chapter 3: TSAJ

Chapter 3: The Shortcut and Jaspersprite

**- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]****began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3**

**GC: JOHN STOP HUGG1NG THOS3 S4L4M4ND3RS 4ND B31NG SO STUPIDLY 4DOR4BLE**

**GC: W3 4R3 ON 4 STR1CT CH3AT1NG T1M3T4BL3 H3R3**

**GC: W41T WHO 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO NOW**

**GC: 1S 1T ON3 OF US**

**GC: 1S 1T M3?**

**EB: it was carcino. **

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: 1 B3T H3 1S CONFUS3D 4ND GRUMPY**

**EB: yeah, sorta. **

**EB: he has no idea what you're doing. **

**GC: 1 H34R H1M OV3R TH3R3 B4NG1NG ON THOS3 K3YS**

**GC: 1 TH1NK TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG 1S JUST 4 W4Y TO V3NT SOM3 FRUSTR4T1ON**

**GC: H3 H4S NO PURPOS3 Y3T**

**GC: NOT L1K3 YOU 4ND M3 JOHN :D**

**EB: oh, he said to give you a message... **

**GC: OH :?**

**EB: he wants you to touch his bone lump or something. **

**GC: WH4T!**

**EB: and that he's pretty much basically in love with you. **

**GC: W41T**

**GC: D1D H3 4CTU4LLY S4Y TH4T**

**GC: 1N CONF1D3NC3**

**EB: yeah, i dunno, pretty much. **

**GC: C4N YOU COPY 3X4CTLY WH4T H3 S41D**

**EB: ohhh no, we're not going down that road! **

**EB: besides, it was a private conversation among private gentlemen colleagues. **

**EB: oh, also you're going to punch him. **

**GC: 1 4M**

**GC: WH3N**

**EB: i guess in your future. **

**EB: but in your pretty soon future i think. **

**EB: it's when he says stuff to you and then you laugh at him. **

**GC: BUT 1M 4LW4YS L4UGH1NG 4T H1M**

**GC: HOW W1LL 1 KNOW?**

**EB: also he says you said it's from me. **

**GC: FROM YOU**

**GC: DO YOU W4NT M3 TO PUNCH H1M JOHN**

**EB: pffff, i don't care! **

**EB: i'm just the timey-wimey messenger here. **

**GC: 1M SUR3 M4NY H1GHLY JUST1F1ABL3 4ND W3LL D3S3RV3D PUNCH3S W1LL B3 THROWN 1N DU3 T1M3**

**GC: BUT L3TS ST1CK TO TH3 G4M3PL4N FOR NOW**

**GC: JOHN T4K3 4 LOOK 4T WH3R3 TH3 SHORTCUT TOOK YOU**

**GC: TURN 4ROUND :]**

John turned around and saw a giant green-and-gray swirling castle thing. Tubes and spires abounded. It sat on an island surrounded by a vast gaping expanse. There was a rope bridge, but it appeared to be broken. The only way across appeared to be a bunch of pipes. Next to the broken rope bridge was one of the Skaian gates.

**EB: oh, wow.**

**EB: what's that?**

**GC: 1TS YOUR D3N1Z3NS P4L4C3**

**EB: my denizen?**

**GC: 3V3RY PL4N3T H4S 4 D3N1Z3N**

**GC: TH4T L1V3S D33P UND3RGROUND**

**GC: SL33P1NG**

**GC: 4ND GU4RD1NG 4 HUG3 GR1ST HO4RD**

**EB: ok...**

**GC: TH3 W4Y DOWN TO 1TS L41R 1S THROUGH TH3 P4L4C3**

**EB: so you want me to go down there and kill him?**

**EB: won't that be, uh, kinda hard?**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: ORD1N4R1LY YOUD H4V3 4BSOLUT3LY NO CH4NC3**

**GC: 4T YOUR M34G3R L3V3L**

**GC: BUT YOU H4V3 4N 4DV4NT4G3**

**EB: oh?**

**GC: USU4LLY HOW 1TS SUPPOS3D TO GO 1S**

**GC: OV3R TH3 COURS3 OF YOUR QU3ST**

**GC: YOU W1LL W4K3 TH3 D3N1Z3N**

**GC: 4ND TH3N F1N4LLY YOU GO THROUGH TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3**

**GC: WH1CH 1S TH3 ONLY W4Y 1NTO TH3 P4L4C3**

**GC: TH3N YOU GO DOWN 4ND F1GHT TH3 D3N1Z3N**

**GC: 4ND K1LL 1T**

**GC: R3L3AS1NG TH3 HO4RD**

**EB: so what's my advantage?**

**GC: YOU WONT BOTH3R W4K1NG 1T**

**GC: W3 W1LL SK1P R1GHT TO TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3**

**GC: F1ND 1TS L41R**

**GC: 4ND K1LL 1T 1N 1TS SL33P**

**EB: um, ok.**

**EB: what's the point of releasing the grist hoard?**

**EB: is it just so i can make tons more sweet loot?**

**GC: H3H3 NO W4Y**

**GC: TH3 HO4RD CONT41NS SO MUCH MOR3 GR1ST TH4N YOU COULD 3V3R US3 1N 4N 4LCH3M1T3R**

**GC: 1 M34N YOU COULD 1 GU3SS**

**GC: BUT TH4TS NOT TH3 PO1NT**

**GC: 1TS FOR TH3 ULT1M4T3 4LCH3MY**

**EB: what's the ultimate alchemy?**

**GC: 1TS NOTH1NG FOR YOU TO WORRY 4BOUT NOW**

**GC: S33 TH4T G4T3 OV3R BY TH3 BROK3N BR1DG3**

**GC: GO CH3CK 1T OUT**

**EB: alright.**

John walked down to it and looked at it. It was a fairly ordinary-looking one. It was a deep blue color. He turned and saw that Casey had followed him. It looked like she was going through the gate with him too then.

**EB: so this is the seventh gate?**

**EB: that'll take me into the palace and down to the sleeping denizen?**

**GC: NOP3 :]**

**GC: TH1S 1S JUST 4 S1MPL3 R3TURN NOD3**

**GC: TH3R3 4R3 LOTS OF TH3S3 4ROUND**

**GC: JUST HOP 1N**

**GC: DONT WORRY 1LL G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 SOON 4FT3R TH4T**

John hopped in and he was transported back into his room. Before him was the broken glass from the window, the red box that the bunny had been in with both sides popped open, the bucket that Nannaquin had stuck in the top of the door, a cruxite totem, and a pillow.

Sometime in the future, WV prepared a gift for the Windswept Questant. He hit a piece of metal repeatedly with the grenade that had the bayonet stuck through it. Finally, he folded it back to produce a rough gray crown. He and the Renegade walked over to the mysterious gray-clothed white carapacian that had appeared in an egg. The Peregrine Mendicant watched in surprise from her capsule. She stepped out through the hole in the station and walked towards the other Exiles as if in a dream. She remembered. She remembered herself, a long time before...

The Parcel Mistress sought audience with royalty. White carapacian royalty. The White Queen sat cross-legged on her light gray checkerboard throne. Like the Black Queen and SS, she had a scar across her left-right eye and her arm was cut off at the shoulder. She wore light colored jesterial clothes, similar to the outfit that PM herself wore. Upon her head was a large white jester hat with one of the four points sliced off. Two long tentaclesque appendages stuck out of her torso from just beneath her arms. The ring on her hand was made of gold with four little gems on it, two white and the others gray.

The White Queen (WQ) watched as PM procured two cards from her pocket. One was of her crown and the other was of the White King's (WK). A flurry of disquieting happenstance was explained to WQ, from the human girl on Prospit and her letter all the way to the parking citation and Jack Noir.

"With no other options," the Parcel Mistress finished, "your counsel is all that is left to be sought."

The White Queen was silent for a moment as she took and looked at the cards. Was it really important, this quest? She didn't doubt her subject, but…

WQ toyed with the ring on her finger for a moment before deciding and slipping it off. The tentacles disappeared from her sides, the scratch over her eye disappeared, her arm was restored, and the jester hat was replaced with her crown, an object of great beauty, made of the finest white material in all of Prospit. Abdication was never ideal, but in the face of inevitable conquest, conceding ground could supply the only remaining advantage. The final hope for victory lay in patience and planning.

She placed the crown in PM's hands. "The White King," she said, "can be found on the Battlefield. His crown may be retrieved there." She gave the ring to the Parcel Mistress as well. "This ring must be designated for protection. The King will supply further instruction on this matter."

PM kneeled at WQ's feet. "The royal duty has been accepted, my Queen," she said.

"And in time, it was fulfilled," said the Windswept Questant (WQ), placing the crown WV and AR had made for her atop PM's head. Serenity blinked in surprise and WV and AR exchanged glances.

"Meow," Jaspersprite said. Rose facepalmed. Just great. Her sprite was a cat. How was she supposed to converse with him? Jaspersprite reached into the water with his long tentacle arm and left it there.

**ROSE: Is that all you have to say?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr.**

**ROSE: I thought you were supposed to be more helpful after your resurrection.**

**ROSE: Like a ghostly spirit guide. Wise, if frustratingly cryptic.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purrrrrrrrrr.**

**ROSE: Actually, cryptic behavior would be welcome at this point.**

**ROSE: This is just inane.**

**JASPERSPRITE: :3**

**ROSE: Should I report to the others that my Kernelsprite is a Lolcat?**

**ROSE: Maybe Dave can take some screen captures and overlay some poorly spelled captions.**

**ROSE: Assuming he hasn't already.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow.**

**ROSE: What are you doing there, by the way?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Im fishing!**

**ROSE: Oh. So you can talk.**

**JASPERSPRITE: But sadly there are no fish i think.**

**JASPERSPRITE: They were all eaten by the ****Denizen****!**

**ROSE: Who?**

**JASPERSPRITE: It ate everything in the ocean and got so full that it took a long nap.**

**JASPERSPRITE: No there is surely not a single living thing left!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Which is too bad because im pretty hungry.**

**ROSE: I think there might be some tuna in the cabinets.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Oh good idea i will look there!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr.**

**ROSE: Jaspers, the message you gave me years ago before you disappeared...**

**ROSE: What did you mean?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow.**

**ROSE: Sigh...**

**JASPERSPRITE: :3**

**ROSE: I don't understand.**

**ROSE: Is there some meaning to these responses, or are you just being obstinate?**

**JASPERSPRITE: You will understand when you wake up!**

**ROSE: Am I asleep?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Yes!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Rose im just a cat and i dont know much but i know that youre important and also you are what some people around here call the ****Seer of Light****.**

**JASPERSPRITE: And you dont know what that means but you will see its all tied together!**

**JASPERSPRITE: All the life in the ocean and all the shiny rain and the songs in your head and the letters they make.**

**JASPERSPRITE: A beam of light i think is like a drop of rain or a long piece of yarn that dances around when you play with it and make it look enticing!**

**JASPERSPRITE: And the way that it shakes is the same as what makes notes in a song!**

**JASPERSPRITE: And a song i think can be written down as letters.**

**JASPERSPRITE: So if you play the right song and it makes all the right letters then those letters could be all the letters that make life possible.**

**JASPERSPRITE: So all you have to do is wake up and learn to play the rain!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Does that make sense rose sorry i disappeared for so long.**

**ROSE: Sort of.**

**ROSE: It sounds like you aren't exactly in complete command of this information yourself, so I won't press you on it for now.**

**ROSE: You're a pretty good cat, Jaspers. I missed you.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purrrrrrrr.**

Rose smiled and set up her computer. She pestered Jade, who was asleep. Her dream self on Prospit responded in awake Jade's stead.

**TT: I spoke with Jaspers.**

**TT: I didn't understand what he told me.**

**TT: He said I'll understand once I "wake up".**

**TT: For some reason this made me think of you.**

**GG: hehehe...**

**GG: yeah i bet hes right!**

**TT: We wouldn't happen to be talking about awakening in a sort of breezy, philosophical sense, would we?**

**TT: Is my dead cat concerned with my enlightenment? Should I prepare to shed this coil of ignorance and suffering?**

**GG: wow no i dont think so...**

**GG: hes being a bit more literal than that!**

**GG: what did he say?**

**TT: I doubt I could reproduce the statements with fidelity.**

**TT: It was like listening to a five year-old describe a dream.**

**TT: The content manages to take a back seat to the simple heartwarming spectacle of the moment.**

**GG: :)**

**GG: well what he meant was...**

**GG: that you have a dream self**

**GG: who is supposed to wake up whenever your real self goes to sleep**

**GG: we all do! all four of us i mean**

**GG: but see your dream self still stays asleep when you go to sleep**

**GG: because you havent woken up yet!**

**TT: I think I get it.**

**TT: I take it your "dream self" is wide awake when you sleep?**

**GG: yes**

**TT: And would I be out of line in additionally presuming this has been the case for many years, at least as long as I've known you?**

**GG: no you would not be out of line!**

**GG: in fact im asleep now**

**TT: That was to be my next wild presumption.**

**GG: :p**

**TT: So when I wake up, can I look forward to being able to message people in my sleep too?**

**GG: no only i can do that!**

**GG: because of my robot**

**TT: Oh, right.**

**TT: I forgot about your robot.**

**TT: My short term recall seems to eschew the profoundly ridiculous.**

**GG: you guys can probably make your own i guess...**

**GG: but you need to wake up first for it to matter and maybe by the time that happens you might not even need them!**

**TT: I'm not sure if necessity is a concept I'd associate with such a contraption even under some of the more obscure scenarios imaginable.**

**TT: But good to know I guess.**

**TT: Here's another question, which I'm sure will look stupid once I've finished typing it.**

**TT: If my dream self is asleep, does that mean she's dreaming, and if she is, who's dreaming the dream, her or me?**

**GG: um...**

**GG: ok well i dont really know how to answer the second part but yeah shes dreaming!**

**GG: shes most likely lying in your bed troubled and restless**

**GG: about things burdening her**

**GG: which is to say you!**

**GG: things about who you really are and what your purpose is**

**GG: but you cant start figuring those things out yet because youre not awake because youre not ready yet**

**GG: thats why you have such terrible dreams all the time rose!**

**TT: Ok. How do I wake up?**

**GG: im sure it would help to start piecing together the clues to nudge your subconscious**

**GG: or maybe face some things you havent faced yet?**

**GG: i dunno! its for you to find out**

**GG: maybe the stuff you wrote on your walls can give you a clue?**

**TT: What stuff?**

**GG: the...**

**GG: er**

**GG: didnt dave tell you?**

**TT: Tell me what?**

**GG: ._.**

**TT: Are you saying he said I defaced the walls of my room?**

**TT: While not appearing to be cognizant of the scrawlings?**

**TT: Like John?**

**TT: I really hope that's not what you're saying.**

**TT: It might freak me out.**

**GG: he said he was going to tell you _;**

**TT: Hold on.**

Rose clicked on Dave's pesterlog icon.

**TT: Strider. **

**TT: I need you to do me a favor. **

**TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file? **

**TT: For no reason in particular?**

She pestered Jade again to follow up.

**TT: He's not answering.**

**GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now!**

**TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me?**

**TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something?**

**GG: noooooooooooooooooooo**

**GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep! **

**TT: Can you do it anyway?**

**GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :( **

**TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls?**

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: What?**


	36. Book 3 Chapter 4: The Shortcut is a Lie

Chapter 4: The Shortcut is a Lie

The meteor approached Dave's apartment building as the boy climbed to the top of the spire to retreive the egg. He almost had it. The Cruxtruder's countdown was down to only seconds now. He was going to make it. He had to! Twenty seconds later, the meteor made impact.

John and Casey walked out onto the balcony, where the Alchemiter was, along with the rocket pack with a cinder block, flowerpot, and violin in it. **GC** pestered him again.

**GC: JOHN S33 TH4T B1G P13C3 OF JUNK TH3R3**

**EB: the rocket pack?**

**GC: Y34H C4PTCH4LOGU3 TH4T 4ND S3ND M3 TH3 COD3**

**GC: 1 GOT TH3 COD3S FOR 4LL TH3 OTH3R 34RTH CR4P STUCK 1NS1D3 1T FROM YOUR FR13NDS**

**GC: FROM D1FF3R3NT T1M3S**

**GC: WH3N TH3Y W3R3 F33L1NG COOP3R4T1V3**

**GC: 1 C4N M4K3 1T WORK FOR YOU :]**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: but you can't just "subtract" object codes from other codes!**

**EB: it's like, mathematically, um...**

**EB: ambiguous.**

**EB: like just reverse AND/OR'ing the flower pot alone could make hundreds of possibilities.**

**EB: subtracting all three could be millions!**

**GC: Y34H W3LL 1M NOT S4Y1NG 1M 4NYWH3R3 N34R 4S HUG3 OF 4 DORK 4S YOU**

**GC: OR TH4T 1 UND3RST4ND 4NY OF TH4T**

**GC: COMPUT3R COD3S T4ST3 TO M3 L1K3**

**GC: LOTS OF T1NY N33DL3S 4ND B4TT3R13S**

**EB: wow, what?**

**GC: 1M G1V1NG 4LL TH3S3 COD3S TO OUR H4CK3R GUY**

**EB: oh man, you have a hacker?**

**EB: i bet he is THE BEST!**

**EB: hackers are always the best.**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: W3LL H3 SUR3 TH1NKS H3 1S**

**EB: who is it?**

**EB: have i talked to him?**

**GC: NO H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 3V3R**

**GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4T3S YOU**

**GC: BUT H3 W1LL DO TH1S**

**GC: B3C4US3 H3 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST TH3 CH4LL3NG3**

**EB: uh, ok.**

**EB: brb then.**

He captchalogued the rocket pack and looked at the back of it.

**EB: ok here...**

**EB: dskjhsdk**

**GC: TH4NKS**

**GC: W41T**

**GC: THOS3 K1ND4 S33M L1K3 R4NDOM K3Y M4SH1NGS**

**GC: 4R3 YOU M3SS1NG W1TH M3 JOHN :?**

**EB: um, no.**

**EB: they sort of are random.**

**EB: but it's the right code, i promise!**

**GC: OH**

**GC: OK B3 B4CK IN L3SS TH4N ON3 S3COND**

**GC: PCHOOOOO**

John waited and waited, but **GC **didn't pester him again.

**EB: hello?**

**GC: WH4T**

**EB: it thought you said you'd be back in less than a second?**

**GC: 1 W4S**

**GC: 1 G4V3 YOU TH3 COD3**

**GC: 1TS PCHOOOOO**

**GC: 1T TOOK 4 WH1L3 FOR H1M TO F1GUR3 OUT**

**GC: BUT 1 G4V3 IT TO YOU 1NST4NTLY FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3**

**GC: WHY WOULD 1 M4K3 YOU W41T?**

**GC: TH4T WOULD B3 SO 1NCONS1D3R4T3 :[**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: i just thought that was just you going off to get the code...**

**EB: and making like this rockety noise or something, i dunno.**

**EB: because you're kind of goofy.**

**GC: W3LL YOUR3 K1ND OF**

**GC: W3LCOM3**

**GC: YOU UNGR4T3FUL 34RTH HORS3S NO1SY BUTTHOL3!**

**EB: oh gosh, i'm sooooo sorry!**

**EB: this is just a stupid code, i'm sorry.**

**EB: are you sure it's right, it seems kind of...**

**EB: obvious.**

**GC: H3 W4S CONV1NC3D TH1S 1S TH3 R1GHT COD3 4ND H4D SOM3 UNFL4TT3R1NG TH1NGS TO S4Y 4BOUT TH3 1NT3LLIG3NC3 OF YOUR SP3C13S FOR NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO FIGUR3 1T OUT**

**GC: WH1CH 1 W1LL K33P TO MYS3LF B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 SOM3 FUCK1NG M4NN3RS**

**EB: bluuuh, oh man, i got so served, bluuuuuuuuuh!**

**GC: 1 4M UNF4Z3D BY YOUR HUM4N BLUHS**

**GC: 4NYW4Y 1F 1T W4S SO OBV1OUS WHY D1DNT YOU GU3SS TH3 COD3?**

**EB: well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific.**

**EB: it was because shut up.**

**EB: shut up is why.**

**GC: :D**

**EB: i guess i'll make this rocket now.**

**EB: and see if this dumbass code actually does the trick.**

**GC: OK JOHN**

**GC: ONC3 YOU M4K3 1T 1M SUR3 3V3N YOU 4ND YOUR UND3RD3V3LOP3D BON3 NOOK W1LL B3 4BL3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO**

**GC: T4LK TO YOU ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 :]**

**- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

John made the rocket pack, but before he flew up to the highest gate, he was pestered by Dave.

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

**TG: ok im in**

**EB: in where?**

**TG: the medium**

**EB: oh, already?**

**TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours**

**EB: huh, i guess time flew by while i was doing other stuff.**

**EB: how did it go?**

**EB: with you and jade i guess?**

**TG: i dont want to talk about it**

**TG: imagine the worst day of my life**

**TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech**

**TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down**

**EB: ew dog! ewwww!**

**TG: yeah**

**EB: so nasty! gross dude!**

**TG: stfu**

**TG: what are you doing**

**EB: i'm in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space.**

**TG: ok**

**EB: it should be sweet.**

**TG: i need some advice**

**TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it**

**TG: turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole**

**TG: with a sword in it**

**TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again**

**TG: not sure what to do**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: have you asked rose?**

**TG: shes asleep for some reason**

**EB: wow, really?**

**TG: yeah i saw her there**

**TG: all tuckered out**

**TG: like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander**

**TG: cause obviously its fuckin prime time for swiping some shuteye about now**

**TG: like a few hours into her magic stupid quest**

**TG: anyway what do you think**

**EB: i don't really know, i mean...**

**EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something.**

**EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you!**

**TG: ok fine but**

**TG: it seems to be suggesting something here**

**TG: and**

**TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion**

**EB: i don't know, just do what it says!**

**EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do...**

**EB: i gotta go!**

**EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate.**

**EB: and, uh, win this game i guess.**

**TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there**

**TG: but alright later**

**EB: later.**

A bunch of imps stood around the Alchemiter, where John stood, ready to blast off. He took Casey into protective custody by captchaloguing her. This was absolutely no place for children. He blasted off. "PCHOOOOO!"

Dave had arrived on his planet in The Medium, the Land of Heat and Clockwork (LOHAC). All around him were half-built buildings with gears turning on them. Lava poured from all directions into the sea of it below.

A few hours into the future, Dave appeared on a gear on the lava, wearing a white suit with a bowtie and holding his broken sword, both with Dave's signature broken disc logo on them. He jumped from gear to gear on the lava, slashing amber imps (that had all previous characteristics of imps plus swords through their stomachs) into millions of pieces of grist. He used his time-shifting timetables to jump into the future. A couple of sulfur ogres appeared and Calsprite helped Future Dave kill them by shooting them with a laser. Within the laser were a bunch of puppets. Finally, he and Calsprite defeated the ogres and they turned into a bunch of grist, which Dave collected. He rewound time way into the past and a pair of basilisks appeared. He killed them, producing amber, sulfur, and build grist. He then flew into the far future and killed a ruby giclops, producing some ruby grist, which he collected.

Figuring he'd collected enough grist, Future Dave consulted Calsprite.

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO**

**DAVE: shut up**

**CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE **

**CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO**

**DAVE: no**

**DAVE: just**

**DAVE: god damn it**

**CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA**

**CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE**

**DAVE: please**

**DAVE: just once**

**DAVE: shut the hell up**

**CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO**

**CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA**

**DAVE: shut up**

**CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA HAA**

**CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HEE HEE HEE**

**DAVE: shut**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO**

**DAVE: the**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO**

**DAVE: fuck**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO**

**DAVE: up**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HAA HOO**

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**TG: thats it i cant take it anymore**

**TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass**

**TG: im going back**

**TT: Already?**

**TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn months**

**TG: or something**

**TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping**

**TT: It just sounds like you're making a rash decision based on temporary aggravation with a laughing puppet.**

**TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back.**

**TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes.**

**TG: what else is there to know**

**TG: we lost**

**TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch**

**TT: We don't know Jade is dead for sure.**

**TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again**

**TG: or the trolls for that matter**

**TG: after they tricked john into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen**

**TG: i guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us**

**TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective **

**TG: only thing left to do is change all that**

**TT: Are you sure you're ready?**

**TT: You'll remember the plan we discussed?**

**TG: theres not much to remember**

**TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge**

**TG: i dont know what he was thinking**

**TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet**

**TG: with our higher levels and all our sick gear**

**TT: It still seems hasty to me.**

**TT: Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with time travel as you.**

**TG: nah itll be fine dont worry**

**TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?**

**TT: Will I just cease to exist?**

**TG: i dont know**

**TG: i mean your whole timeline will**

**TG: maybe**

**TT: Maybe?**

**TT: Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever?**

**TT: I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling.**

**TG: the thing with time travel is**

**TG: you cant overthink it**

**TG: just roll with it and see what happens**

**TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded**

**TT: What do you think I should do?**

**TG: try going to sleep**

**TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think**

**TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen**

**TT: Ok.**

**TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through**

**TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word "self" and still understand what we're talking about.**

**TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem**

**TG: anything else is gravy**

**TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time.**

**TT: I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it.**

**TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess**

**TG: im gonna go now**

**TT: Good luck.**

Future Dave used his time-reversing time timetables to reverse time back to when he was standing on his roof with his bird sprite and a torn-up Lil' Cal on the ground.

Back in the past, John got ready to blast off from the Alchemiter, but Dave pestered him again.

**TG: WAIT**

**EB: what?**

**TG: dont go yet**

**TG: somethings up**

**EB: ugh…**

**TG: ok its me from the future**

**EB: huh? **

**TG: its me**

**TG: i just appeared**

**TG: from the future**

**TG: wearing a rad suit**

**TG: he says dont go**

**TG: or youre gonna die**

**EB: pfffff. **

**EB: lame. **

**EB: what kind of gullible stooge do you think i am?**

**TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to**

**EB: this is like some terrible april fools prank. **

**EB: but 13 days too late. **

**EB: remember, you are talking to the pranking MASTER. **

**TG: ok that was probably the dumbest thing you ever said just now**

**EB: if future you is real, then why don't you let me talk to him. **

**TG: do you hear what youre saying oh my god**

**TG: this guy is me if i get him to talk to you youre just talking to me again jesus it proves nothing**

**EB: hold on, someone else is bugging me. **

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]****began pestering ectoBiologist** **[EB] ****- **

**TG: john stop being a tool and unbuckle yourself from that piece of shit**

**TG: if our friendship means anything youll listen to me and past dave**

**TG: this is future dave by the way**

**EB: hahaha! **

**EB: wow, you're really pulling out all the stops for this stunt! **

**EB: using your phone and computer at the same time to message me. **

**EB: you're kind of going through a lot of trouble actually, i don't know why you're bothering with this. **

**TG: yeah exactly why would i bother**

**TG: this sort of cornball horseshit is your cup of tea not mine**

**TG: dont make me track you down through time and stop you in person**

**EB: you can't track down through time WHAT YOU CAN'T CATCH! **

**EB: pchoooooo! **

**TG: oh god did you just blast off**

**EB: no... **

**EB: but that would have been sweet if i did just then. **

**TG: ok well just dont ok**

**TG: im turning this timeline over to past dave**

**TG: and helping you all stay alive and do this thing the right way this time**

**TG: just stay on the goddamn ground for fucks sake**

**EB: ok, i guess…**

Future Dave put all his captchalogue cards on the ground and leaped backwards into the kernelsprite behind him.

**DAVE: hey**

**DAVESPRITE: sup**


	37. Book 3 Chapter 5: Davesprite

Chapter 5: Davesprite

John didn't care what Dave said. He was going to up through the gate. He took Casey into protective custody and blasted off. "PCHOOOOO!" he yelled excitedly. THIS WAS STUPID!

Because this was in the past, other stuff happened that we've already seen. Remember Rose pestering Dave?

**TT: Strider.**

**TT: I need you to do me a favor.**

**TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file?**

**TT: For no reason in particular?**

And then Rose pestering Jade?

**TT: He's not answering.**

**GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now!**

**TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me?**

**TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something?**

**GG: noooooooooooooooooooo**

**GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep!**

**TT: Can you do it anyway?**

**GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :(**

**TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls?**

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: What?**

Rose thereafter bundled up her knittings into a cozy nest because she had no bed, thanks to Strider. She wasn't all that tired though. It was hard to imagine falling asleep without the luxury of Harley's narcolepsy. When she fell asleep finally, her future dream self ceased to exist.

Davesprite talked to the troll with the red glasses and teal Libra shirt on through his computer glasses.

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began trolling gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **- **

**TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus**

**TG: your plan didnt work**

**TG: i mean it did**

**TG: but then suddenly it didnt**

**TG: so you might as well quit trying**

**GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S**

**TG: what**

**TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles**

**GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S**

**GC: NOT ON3 1D W4NT 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH**

**TG: ok pretty far fetched but whatever**

**TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work**

**GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK**

**GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3**

**GC: YOUR FUTUR3**

**GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D**

**GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M**

**GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M3SS W1TH H1M 4ND STUFF**

**TG: i dont think youre following**

**TG: you DID kill him sort of**

**TG: then i went back in time to stop him**

**GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N**

**TG: alright but**

**TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave**

**TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline**

**TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along**

**TG: where future me is now helping dave and we just keep playing**

**TG: and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble youre all in now**

**TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently**

**GC: OH**

**GC: NO :[**

**GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH4T**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: see**

**TG: none of you ever thinks anything through**

**TG: whos in charge of timeline management there**

**TG: i gotta give him the business**

**GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU**

**GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG**

**GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS**

**GC: 4ND TH3 ON3S WHO 4R3 SORT OF SUCK 4T 1T :|**

**TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others**

**TG: like that awful rapper**

**GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: im telling you**

**TG: huge pushover**

**TG: he will do what you say**

**TG: unless it happens to be for his own good**

**TG: then all a sudden hes a tough nut to crack go figure**

**GC: NOW 1 F33L K1ND4 B4D**

**GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 1 C4NT T4LK TO H1M**

**GC: 3V3N 1F 1TS JUST TO 4POLOG1Z3**

**GC: WOULD TH4T B3 OK W1TH YOU S1R BR4V3 KN1GHT :?**

**TG: yeah thats fine i guess**

**TG: no more coy bullshit antics though**

**TG: not even like**

**TG: an idiotic angry winking emote**

**GC: OR WH4T**

**GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO HUNT M3 DOWN THROUGH T1M3 OOOOOH OH NO**

**GC: ;]**

**TG: yeah**

**GC: YOU DO R34L1Z3 1M W4Y H1GH3R ON MY 3CH3L4DD3R TH4N YOU**

**GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 FUTUR3**

**GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU W4NT TO G3T YOUR CLOCK3D CL34N3D BY 4 BL1ND CH1CK**

**TG: ok even if thats true**

**TG: i just merged with an impaled orange goddamn bird and now i got all these crazy powers**

**GC: UGH**

**GC: S3LF PROTOTYP1NG SO DUMB**

**GC: TH1S 1S WHY YOU 4LL SCR3W UP SO B4D**

**GC: 4LW4YS B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S L1K3 TH4T**

**GC: OH W3LL C4NT STOP YOU NOW SO M1GHT 4S W3LL DROP 1T**

**GC: H3Y D4V3**

**TG: what**

**GC: 1V3 B33N R3S34RCH1NG SOM3 OF YOUR 34RTH SO4P OP3R4S**

**GC: ****1S TH1S YOU** **(**** /1STH1SYOUD4V3****)**

**TG: oh jegus fuck no**

**TG: why would that breathtaking douche remind you of me at all**

**GC: BUT H3 H4S 4 F13RY P3RSON4LITY**

**GC: SORT OF BR4SH 4ND 1MP3TUOUS**

**GC: 4ND 1N YOUR F4C3**

**GC: L1K3 F1R3 1TS3LF :D**

**TG: now i know youre bullshitting me**

**TG: do i seem like the kind of guy whod accept a magic ring from whoopi goldberg**

**TG: to awaken some egregious homofantasy for a ripped blue dudes mammoth eco friendly bulge**

**TG: that guys an asshole and needs to be sealed in a dufflebag and whipped something ungodly with a bamboo chute**

**GC: WHOS WHOOP1 GOLDB3RG**

**TG: who cares**

**GC: OK 1 M4D3 SOM3 MOD1F1C4T1ONS**

**GC: ****TH1S 1S SO YOU D4V3 COM3 ON 4DM1T 1T** **(**** /1T1SYOU1SNT1T****)**

**TG: ahahahahaha**

**TG: ok yeah that is pretty much fucking spot on**

**TG: youre actually a pretty good troll**

**TG: as long as you dont bug john i guess thats all there is to say on the matter**

**GC: TH4NKS D4V3**

**GC: TO B3 F41R**

**GC: 1M SUR3 3V3RY ON3 OF US W1SH3S W3 THOUGHT OF FUTUR3 S3LF PROTOTYP1NG F1RST**

**GC: SO**

**GC: YOUR3 NOT R34LLY 4LL TH4T T3RR1BL3 ;]**

**DAVE: who were you talking to**

**DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off**

**DAVE: ok cool**

**DAVE: so now that youre a sprite**

**DAVE: do you know everything about the game**

**DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway**

**DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future**

**DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now**

**DAVESPRITE: like things meant specifically for sprites to clue players in on**

**DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like**

**DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles**

**DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it**

**DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it**

**DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer**

**DAVE: alright**

**DAVE: here goes**

**DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome**

**DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked**

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business**

**DAVE: is he gonna be ok**

**DAVESPRITE: thats up to him**

**DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us**

**DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again**

**DAVE: ok**

**DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates**

**DAVESPRITE: even at a low level**

**DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you**

**DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together**

**DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever**

**DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time**

**DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics**

**DAVE: like what**

**DAVESPRITE: i dont know**

**DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did**

**DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc**

**DAVESPRITE: oh yeah**

**DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through**

**DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan**

**DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea**

**DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later**

**DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds**

**DAVE: yeah sure**

Dave fist-bumped Davesprite.

Meanwhile, a while back in the story, John opened Dave's package to him. There was something suspicious inside. Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.

It was a stuffed bunny! Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no. It wasn't merely _like_ that bunny. According to this note of authenticity, it was the very same bunny. This was so awesome!

Included was a note from his best bro Dave.

**so hey **

**since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome. **

**its the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. i would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know youre dead serious about this ridiculous shit so youll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff. **

**but the weird thing is thats whats cool about you. youre this naive guy like pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking ghostbusters. then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and i know im going to have to get you off the hook but its cool i got your back bro. **

**then we'll meet and hug bump and get each others filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah **

**peace dawg **

**tg**

As John in the future flew up to the gate that would take him to fight the denizen, he thought back to this very letter and also to Dave's recent pesterlogs. He thought about his friendship with Dave, reconsidered his choice and spiraled off to the right with his rocket pack just before he passed through the gate.

**TG: did you blast off like a spazzy douche yet or what**

**EB: yeah, of course!**

**EB: there was no way i wasn't trying out this sweet ride.**

**TG: god dammit what do i have to do to make you believe me**

**TG: fist bump my future self til i got bloody knuckles and write you an even sappier bday note in my own blood**

**TG: on a back to the future poster**

**EB: relax, i'm not going through the gate!**

**EB: i am just flying around, and having a good time in the sky.**

**TG: oh ok**

**TG: so you believe me then**

**TG: about future me**

**TG: and like**

**TG: him turning into a floating sword bird**

**EB: um...**

**EB: ok, i don't know anything about that...**

**EB: but it doesn't matter!**

**EB: you're my best bro, and if you say not to go then i won't go.**

**EB: hey, can you hold on?**

**EB: i'm getting trolled again.**

**TG: oh man and if weve just concluded anything its that talking to those dbags should be priority number one so yeah go right ahead**

**EB: ok, brb.**

**CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE.**

**CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY.**

**CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS.**

**CG: LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW.**

**CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET.**

**CG: LIKE YOU ARE A FRESHLY HATCHED HUMAN LARVA AND THIS IS JUST ALL A BIG SCHOOLHIVE RUMPUS RESPITE.**

**EB: humans aren't hatched as larvae dummy.**

**EB: we don't hatch at all.**

**EB: we are born as these like little pink monkeys called babies.**

**CG: BULLSHIT.**

**CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME.**

**EB: what did i say?**

**CG: I'LL PASTE WHAT YOU SAID.**

**EB: i thought you didn't like going down that road?**

**EB: copy-pasting future/past conversations...**

**CG: WHY WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.**

**EB: i dunno, that's what you just told me.**

**CG: WHATEVER, LOOK:**

**CG: EB: this is really weird...**

**CG: CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.**

**CG: EB: well, normally humans hatch...**

**CG: EB: from like these slimy pods.**

**CG: EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.**

**CG: CG: OH REALLY.**

**CG: CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.**

**EB: hahaha!**

**EB: i was punking you dude!**

**EB: or at least i will be in our next conversation.**

**EB: thanks for the great prank idea.**

**CG: ARGH.**

**CG: WHY WOULD YOU TRICK ME ABOUT THAT, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT.**

**EB: i don't know, it was just a friendly prank.**

**EB: don't you ever play pranks?**

**EB: i mean, of course you do, one of you just tried to prank me good.**

**CG: WHAT, WHO.**

**EB: pffffff, you'll find out.**

**CG: WELL FINE.**

**CG: I GUESS YOU GOT ME BACK, SORT OF.**

**CG: FOR MY TROLLING, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ MY WORST TROLLING EFFORTS YET.**

**CG: BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN IN YOUR FUTURE.**

**CG: AND EVEN THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN MIND MUCH, ALMOST LIKE YOU WERE DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT.**

**CG: KIND OF PERVERSE REALLY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?**

**EB: well, we're friends by then, aren't we?**

**EB: or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends.**

**CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.**

**EB: look, you're going to have to face it at some point...**

**EB: that you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship.**

**CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION?**

**EB: yes, absolutely.**

**CG: I GUESS IT'S HARD TO SEE HOW WE BECOME FRIENDS.**

**CG: THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.**

**CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK INTO YOUR PAST AND TALK TO YOU, YOU SAY STUFF THAT PERTAINS TO MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE.**

**CG: AND THEN YOU WON'T EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT'S GOING ON, BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY OLD NEWS FOR YOU.**

**EB: dude, you've been doing the same exact thing!**

**CG: I'VE DONE NO SUCH THING.**

**CG: I'VE BEEN EXCEPTIONALLY INFORMATIVE AND HELPFUL.**

**CG: IF JUSTIFIABLY ACRIMONIOUS.**

**EB: you never answer my questions, though.**

**EB: how am i supposed to know what's going on, or what you're alluding to?**

**CG: THIS GAME IS KIND OF A GAME OF A MILLION GUIDES.**

**CG: EVERYWHERE YOU TURN THERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, SO PLEASE, GO SECRETE ME AN EARTH RIVER THROUGH YOUR STRANGE HUMAN TEAR DUCTS.**

**CG: YOU'VE GOT SPRITES, EXILES, GUARDIANS, CONSORTS...**

**CG: TIME HOPPING FUTURE SELVES, MYSTICAL DREAM ORACLE DOPPELGANGERS...**

**CG: AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, YOUR PARTICULAR GROUP OF PLAYERS IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE US TO GIVE YOU THE SCOOP ON STUFF.**

**CG: THROUGH A SORT OF SUBVERSION OF THE WHOLE DAMN THING.**

**CG: EVEN THOUGH WE HATE YOU.**

**CG: AND EVEN THOUGH THE FACT THAT WE HATE YOU**

**CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT AS UNALTERABLE AS THIS WRITHING KNOTTED HELL OF A TIMELINE CHOKING US ALL TO DEATH**

**CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE ANY REASON TO WITHHOLD ANY INFORMATION FROM YOU**

**CG: OR DISH IT OUT THROUGH CRYPTOBAFFLING MIND FUDDLERY.**

**CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING.**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: what's the point of the game.**

**CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE.**

**CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.**

**CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD.**

**EB: augh!**

**EB: fine.**

**EB: where are you now?**

**CG: IN THE MEDIUM.**

**CG: A SEPARATE SESSION FROM YOURS.**

**EB: no no, i know that!**

**EB: you already told me.**

**CG: I DID?**

**EB: yes, in your future.**

**CG: DAMMIT.**

**EB: what i mean is...**

**EB: are you in your house right now, or in one of your magical lands, or what?**

**EB: just curious cause you can see me, but i can't see or know anything about you!**

**CG: WE'RE HIDING IN THE VEIL.**

**CG: WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.**

**EB: what's that?**

**CG: IT'S A HUGE BELT OF METEORS**

**CG: ORBITING WAY OUTSIDE SKAIA, BEYOND THE ORBIT OF THE PLANETS**

**CG: DIVIDING THE MEDIUM FROM THE FURTHEST RING**

**CG: WHERE DERSE ORBITS.**

**EB: derse?**

**CG: THE DARK PLANET.**

**CG: PROSPIT'S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA.**

**EB: well jeez, how am i supposed to know any of this?**

**CG: YOU'D PROBABLY FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER FROM YOUR DUMB GRANDMA.**

**CG: BUT BY FUSING WITH THE SPRITE SHE HAS TO WITHHOLD STUFF AND BE MYSTERIOUS AND ALL.**

**CG: TO MAKE YOUR ADVENTURE SEEM MORE "MAAAAAAGICAL!"**

**CG: IT'S INFURIATING.**

**EB: ok, so the veil is a bunch of meteors...**

**EB: what do you mean "what's left of it"?**

**CG: OK, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN BLACK INEVITABLY BEATS WHITE**

**CG: ON THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE CENTER OF SKAIA**

**CG: THE WHITE KING IS CAPTURED OR KILLED OR SOMETHING**

**CG: THAT'S WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS.**

**EB: ok...**

**CG: THE RULERS OF DERSE**

**CG: THE BLACK KING AND QUEEN**

**CG: GET THE POWER TO SEND THE VEIL TOWARD SKAIA**

**CG: TO DESTROY IT**

**CG: THAT KIND OF STARTS YOUR BIG "COUNTDOWN"**

**CG: WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS.**

**EB: so then it's up to us to save it?**

**CG: YEAH, YOU HAVE THAT LONG TO KILL THE BLACK QUEEN AND KING**

**CG: AND SKAIA ITSELF SORT OF BUYS YOU SOME TIME**

**CG: BY ACTIVATING ITS DEFENSE PORTALS**

**CG: TO CATCH SOME OF THE METEORS**

**CG: THE THREAT GETS BIGGER THE LONGER YOU TAKE THOUGH**

**CG: SMALLER METEORS COME FIRST AND THEY GET PROGRESSIVELY BIGGER AND BIGGER**

**CG: AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM SKAIA CAN ABSORB FOR YOU.**

**EB: ok, but it sounds like we've got plenty of time before that happens, right?**

**CG: THAT'S JUST IT.**

**CG: YOU DON'T.**

**CG: ORDINARILY YOU WOULD BUT**

**CG: YOUR RECKONING STARTS MUCH SOONER**

**CG: BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB THINGS YOU'VE DONE**

**CG: YOU COMPLETELY BLEW IT ALREADY AND YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING ANYMORE**

**CG: WHICH ORDINARILY WOULD BE FINE**

**CG: JUST ANOTHER BUNCH OF LOSERS TO FAIL AT THIS GAME**

**CG: IT'S WHAT YOU DO LATER THAT CAUSES SO MUCH MORE TROUBLE THAN THAT**

**CG: AND NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT TOO.**

**EB: oh no...**

**EB: what is it?**

**CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU.**

**CG: IT'S INEVITABLE AND COMPLETELY POINTLESS TO TALK ABOUT ANYWAY.**

**EB: yeah, well...**

**EB: maybe you're wrong!**

**EB: maybe there's something we can still do to stop it, if you just help us?**

**CG: I'M NOT WRONG, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, YOU FUCK UP ROYALLY, END OF STORY.**

**EB: ok, we'll see about that, mr. sourbulge.**

**EB: hey, aren't you kind of uncomfortable sitting on a meteor?**

**EB: are you all huddled in a crater or something?**

**CG: NO, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT IN THE VEIL.**

**CG: A LOT OF THESE METEORS ARE KIND OF LIKE...**

**CG: BIG SEEDS.**

**EB: seeds?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: well, what kind of crazy shit is there?**

**CG: STUFF LIKE...**

**CG: BUILDINGS**

**CG: FACILITIES**

**CG: LIKE LABS AND STUFF.**

**EB: weird.**

**CG: YEAH, THE VEIL IS KIND OF LIKE NEUTRAL GROUND FOR THE KINGDOMS, LIKE OUR PLANETS.**

**CG: SOME PLACES ARE USED TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER SOLDIERS AND AGENTS FOR THE TWO SIDES.**

**CG: USING GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE EXOTIC MENAGERIE OF CHESS PIECES ON THE BATTLEFIELD.**

**CG: TO HELP FUEL THE WAR AND KEEP RAISING THE STAKES.**

**EB: wow, i don't think i'm following this.**

**CG: YEAH NO SHIT!**

**CG: BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU GET THERE**

**CG: SINCE YOU WERE IN THE VEIL WHEN WE LAST TALKED.**

**CG: ANYWAY THAT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH INFO FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT AND BE LESS STUPID IN TIME FOR CONVERSATIONS WE'VE ALREADY HAD.**

**CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.**

**EB: ok, but wait...**

**EB: can you give a message to GC for me?**

**EB: tell her nice try.**

**CG: WHAT**

**CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU**

**CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I'M NOT A RELAY SERVICE.**

**EB: oh, well i thought you'd be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time.**

**EB: but whatever.**

**CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE.**

**CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS.**

**CG: "NICE TRY" JOHN**

**CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**


	38. Book 3 Chapter 6: Andrew Hussie

Chapter 6: Andrew Hussie

Out beyond Skaia and the planets that orbited it lurked an asteroid belt called The Veil. But beyond The Veil lurked a planet known as Derse, upon which was a great evil kingdom which was host to many black carapacians along with Jack Noir and the Black King and Queen.

And speaking of Jack Noir, the carapacian himself sat at his desk, doodling over one of the numerous parking citations on his desk. He'd drawn a picture of the Black Queen and written "Huge bitch, bluh bluh" next to her. He crumpled the citation in his hand and looked at his fenestrated wall.

The Black Queen was shown walking along, and then suddenly she appeared next to him and cut the wall in half. She held up Jack's jester suit and motioned for him to put it on. Jack shook his head. She pointed at a pink hat on the floor and Jack stuck out his tongue in disgust.

"I don't want to wear these things!" He said angrily, but the Black Queen was adamant. She sat on his desk and watched as the Archagent reluctantly wore various suits that she directed him to wear.

Jack gradually got angrier and angrier until eventually, he tore one of the dresses she had told him to wear clean in half.

Over in one of Derse's towers, Dream Rose Lalonde inspected the walls of her room. They were covered with the letters "M," "E," "O," and "W" in a random order over and over and over again.

Meanwhile, on the kids' planets, Dave and Davesprite sat at Dave's computer, working on some SBAHJ stuff, John flew through the LOWAS sky with his rocket pack, and Rose and Jade slept while their dream selves messed around on Derse and Prospit, respectively. In the meantime, Rose's Mom, John's Dad, and Dave's Bro fought powerful enemies with their meager weapons on LOLAR, LOWAS, and LOHAC respectively. Something was happening. Something big.

The Black Queen held her sword to Jack Noir's throat. "This is treason," she whispered viciously. Jack reached into the green box, pulled something out, and suddenly the ring on the Black Queen's finger exploded, exploding Noir's ruler in the process.

Noir picked the ring up off the ground, covered in the blood from the matricide he'd just performed, and put it on his finger. His eye became covered in a scratch, his arm disappeared just past the shoulder, tentacles appeared from his side, and a jester hat appeared on his head along with a sword. The sword was through his stomach.

He grew giant black wings like a bird and leaped into the sky. He was Jack Noir, and he'd just become the new ruler of Derse.

Meanwhile, or not really meanwhile at all… hold on. Somewhere outside of time and space, the fourth fenestrated wall was located and activated.

A blue room appeared through the wall. An orange-skinned man sat at his desk, drawing on a specially-designed drawing pad. What he was drawing appeared on the screen. It was kind of like a mouse, but a drawing-based mouse instead of a dragging-based mouse.

The man turned and saw the fourth wall. Oh hell no. This was such a bad idea, and yet, he was drained, mentally and physically. He hadn't been able to finish Homestuck. He'd failed. Well, there was always tomorrow.

What's that you say? What was Mr. Orange Guy's name (because as we all knew all along, this was Mr. Orange Guy)? Andrew Hussie, the writer of Homestuck and many other MS Paint adventures besides.

He really wished his side of the fourth wall had an off switch, though. It wasn't time for a self-indulgent insertion into Homestuck. Maybe? Maybe not. In any case, he realized he'd been speaking in 3rd person about himself, so I switched to 1st person.

Yes, I really wished my side of the fourth wall had an off switch. Okay, in any case, you know who I am, so I'm going to take a break and then I'll come back and recap Homestuck so far. How does that sound? Okay, good night.

And… I'm back. That really wasn't that long at all. Anyway, here's the super long recap I promised.

**Homestuck began** **on April 13th, 2009, the 13th birthday of our chief protagonist and future boy-skylark, John Egbert. Three days prior** **was supposed to be the day he received the Sburb Beta** **in the mail, but it was running late. It showed up later that afternoon, and after overcoming a variety** **of domestic adversities, he retrieved the game, along with a birthday package** **from his internet friend, Dave Strider. **

**John soon established a game connection** **with another friend, Rose Lalonde, who'd spent the day badgering him** **about playing with her, after unsuccessfully attempting to convince Dave** **to play. Upon connecting, Rose was able to manipulate John's environment, move his furniture around via cursor, and restructure the shape of his room. John was unable** **to do this to Rose's environment however. He'd installed the client copy of the beta, and required the server copy for that. **

**The server copy** **was trapped in his dad's car, along with a birthday package** **from another friend, Jade Harley. Jade messaged** **John inquiring about the package. As of this moment, neither her package nor the server copy has been recovered by John. Rose had also prepared a package** **for John, but had not mailed it yet. It still sits in her room. Dave's package** **contained the authentic stuffed bunnyfrom Con Air. **

**In addition to allowing Rose to control John's environment, Sburb provided an array of devices** **Rose deployedthroughout** **John's house. These devices** **used together provided a system** **by which the players could manufacture any item** **using the code** **on the back of that item's captchalogue card, if they gathered enough grist to pay for it. Later, they would learn to combine item codes** **to master the art** **of punch card alchemy, whereby items could be fused together in purpose** **and design. **

**One device on being activated** **began a countdown, and released** **an entity called a kernelsprite. The countdown ticked down to the moment John's house would be struck by a meteor, destroying his neighborhood. To escape this demise, John had to use the devicesto manufacture** **a special item** **that looked like a blue apple, and take a bite** **of it, in order to transport** **his entire house just before impact to the safety of a mysterious dark realm, where his house would situate itself atop a tall rock column high above a blanket of clouds. This realm is called the Medium. **

**Before he entered the Medium though, John and Rose prototyped** **his kernelsprite with the large harlequin doll his dad got him for his birthday, transforming** **the sprite to bear its likeness, including the ways the doll was disfigured via earlier hijinks. It had a slashed eye and one arm, and so too did the sprite. When John entered the Medium, the sprite's kernel hatched, thus imbuing all the enemies John and his friends would face with properties of the sprite. The lesser adversaries John faced first, Shale Imps, all wore harlequin garbs. They became more powerful and more radically mutated with each successive pre-Medium prototyping. **

**After entering the Medium, John's dad was kidnapped by imps. While John was looking for him, he accidentally prototyped the sprite** **with his grandmother's ashes, transforming it again. This prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the Medium, and the kernel had already hatched. Instead, only the sprite was affected, and it took on the appearance, personality, and memories of his grandmother, becoming Nannasprite, a game-supplied albeit customized guide for John. She explained aspects of the game, about Skaia** **residing at the center of the Medium, beyond seven gates floating directly above his house, and about an eternal/timeless war** **fought there between dark and light, one that light was always destined to lose. **

**Rose, who'd been having frequent internet connection issues, lost her connection** **as she tried to lift John's car to retrieve the game and the package. The car fell into the abyss below. A storm** **caused her house to lose power along with its wireless internet connection. Her laptop was able to run on battery power for a time, while she tapped into the wireless signal** **from the laboratory next door. When her laptop ran out of power, she had to overcome more family strife** **(and endure a gift pony** **in the process), go outside in the rain, and plug it into the small generator** **outside the mausoleum** **of her dead cat, Jaspers. She continued her session** **with John inside the mausoleum, while the meteor-sparked forest fire surrounding her house grew more intense. **

**From the house, Rose's mom opened** **a secret passage in the mausoleum to help her escape. The passage** **lead to the lab** **next door, where Rose found** **a stable, portable source of power and internet for her computer. She also found a terminal** **projecting the impact times and locations for the millions of meteors presently bombarding the planet, along with all the other live sessions of other players around the world. She also found a little girl's room,a mutant kitten** **she named Vodka Mutini,** **and a cloning machine** **operating through the science of ectobiology. Its terminal was locked** **on to her cat Jaspers at whatever point in his life** **the user specified. **

**She attempted to appearify** **Jaspers from a moment in her early childhood, before he whispered a secret** **to her. But doing so would have caused a paradox, so it appearified (paradoxified)** **a pile of slime instead. The machine used the slime to create a fetal paradox clone** **of Jaspers in a glass tube. On the monitor, Jaspers then told young Rose the secret, then vanished, only to show up** **dead weeks later and put in the mausoleum** **for years until the present. Rose left** **the laboratory moments before it was destroyed by a meteor impact.** **She transportalized** **back to her mom's room, proceeded to her room to wait for Dave to connect** **with her and rescue her from the next imminent impact. **

**Dave was charged** **with acquiring his bro's copy of the game to help Rose. Earlier he had lost his copy of the game to a mishap involving a crow. It flew in his window, seized the game, and Dave accidentally impaled it** **with a sword, sending the crow and the game out the window onto a landing far below** **his apartment. He searched** **his bro's room** **unable to find it, was briefly shadowed by Lil Cal, and then found a note** **beckoning him to meet on the roof for** **a confrontation. Dave and his bro dueled on the roof extensively, and Dave was thoroughly bested. Upon defeating Dave, his bro dropped the copies of the game, and flew off on his rocket board into the sky. **

**Dave used the copies to connect with Rose, and quickly deployed the devices** **while her house was on fire, surrounded by flaming tornadoes, and minutes away from being destroyed by a meteor. Rose prototyped her kernelsprite with Jaspers, specifically to understand the meaning of the secret he whispered to her years ago. She was advised to do this by Jade, who told her** **about the game in the first place. Dave then prototyped the kernelsprite again with the tentacled princess doll** **given to Rose on her birthday by her mom. Both of these prototypings would have an effect** **on the enemies** **once Rose entered the Medium and the kernel hatched. Rose used the alchemiter to create the special item - for her, a purple wine bottle - which she needed to break to enter. She eventually did, transporting her house just before the meteor collided. **

**The meteor** **left a crater. Over time, at the site of impact, a large, white structure that looked like a wine bottle grew there, and the crater filled up with sand as the climate of the post-apocalyptic Earth gradually changed. The "cork"** **of that bottle was a large metal cylinder** **with an interior much like an advanced science station, with a variety** **of devices** **and monitors** **inside. 413 years after the meteor impact, the Wayward Vagabond** **walked through the desert** **and discovered** **this station. Inside, he found cannedrations, a firefly** **he named Serenity, an appearifier, and four** **monitors** **hooked up to a keyboard. **

**On one of the monitors was John, just after he'd entered the Medium. WV could type commands** **to John directly, much as the readers of this story could type commands for the characters to follow. Most of John's actions** **upon entering the Medium were authored** **by WV****, until he became preoccupied with other activities, such as building a town** **out of cans, playing chess with cans, and drawing chalk murals depicting the cosmological arrangement of Skaia, the Medium, the light and dark planets known as Prospit** **and Derse, and the four planets** **the kids would each occupy upon entering the game, called The Land of Wind and Shade (John), The Land of Light and Rain (Rose), the Land of Heat and Clockwork (Dave), and Jade's planet, which is yet to be seen. **

**He also activated a countdown** **in the station which caused it to blast out of the crater and fly to designated "home" coordinates. Along the way, it passed over the sand-filled crater that was the impact site for John's meteor, on the other side of the continent. John's meteor had caused a giant white tree to grow in the crater. The tree grew an apple-like station** **from a branch, which fell to the sand. The Peregrine Mendicant found this station. After WV flew overhead, PM activated** **her station's homing feature as well, which caused it to fly** **to the same destination. Along the way, she used her terminal to attempt to command Jade, who from the perspective of the terminal, had just arrived in the Medium. This caused the terminal to explode** **for unknown reasons, leaving a hole in the station. One of the station's robotic worms recovered** **one of PM's falling mailboxes, and she befriended** **it, after earlier slaying another one with her black regisword. **

**WV landed** **at the site of the ancient frog ruins** **across the now dried up Pacific Ocean. The site was once the island where Jade lived, but nothing of the island remained except for the ruins. The mountain her house was on, and the volcano next to it, were replaced by a large empty chasm. PM landed** **shortly after WV, and they met. They were confronted by the Aimless Renegade, who fired atthem** **from the frog ruins with old weaponry he'd been hoarding, once belonging to Jade's grandpa. Millions of years ago, the frog ruins grew** **from a crater, struck by a meteor that emerged from a Sburb portal in space. Jade's radioactive, omnipotent, space-warping dog named Becquerel emerged** **from this crater as well. **

**Jade's grandpapioneered** **this island, and built the house Jade lives in. Her grandpa** **has been dead** **for many years, and stands stuffed in front** **of the fireplace. She has been looked after** **by her dog who she calls Bec. She begins the day with several tasks to** **accomplish - to feed Bec, and to retrieve** **a birthday package mailed** **by John. She irradiates** **a steak, and heads outside** **to the site where the package will be dropped. She knows it will be dropped there because one of the reminders** **she wears on her fingers jogs her memory about it. She wears them to keep track** **of the many things** **she knows about the future, through dreams. **

**She falls asleep frequently and spontaneously. When she sleeps, her dream self** **is awake, and living on the moon that orbits the light planet, Prospit. Prospit very closely orbits Skaia, a huge sphere of blue sky and clouds, which nanna describes as a "dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential." When Prospit's moon eclipses Skaia, it drifts into Skaia for a time, mingling with the clouds. Dream Jade then witnesses** **many past and future events in the clouds. While asleep, she is often confused about what is real and what isn't. When she wakes up, she pieces together** **future events from her memory of the cloud visions, and from logs recorded by her dreambot. Her dreambot** **is a robotic surrogate that activates while she sleeps in her bed. It mimics in the real world the movement and actions** **of her dream self on the moon, and records a video log of what she sees while dreaming. **

**Prospit's moon** **has two towers** **of identical design, and similar design to Jade's house. Dream Jade** **lives in one tower. Dream John Lives** **in the other. Dream John is still asleep, and John has no knowledge of the dream world, which is to say, the entire game session** **he would initiate on his 13th birthday. When he goes to sleep, instead of waking up on the moon as Jade does, he remains slumbering in his dream room, tormented by his subconscious. This torment is expressed when he sleepwalks, and draws troubling scribbles** **on the walls of his room. When awake, he cannot see the scribbles, as is subconscious suppresses his awareness of them. It is not until he has a perception-altering revelation** **about his dad does he begin to see them. He initially believed they were new additions to his room, perhaps scrawled** **by imps. However they were present long before, visible in his room while he prepared Jade's birthday package months ago. **

**John prepared a package for each of his three friends, whose 13th birthdays** **were December 1st (Jade), 3rd (Dave), and 4th (Rose). He gave Rose** **a knitting set, and she then took an intense interest knitting. He gave Dave** **the pair of shades Ben Stiller wore in Starsky and Hutch, which he wore** **from then on, replacing the shades in the style his bro wore. He gave Jade** **a blue version of his own ghost shirt, and some pumpkin seeds to help her replace the pumpkins that kept disappearing from her garden. But she did not receive this on the birthday** **John intended. She received it in the past, on her birthday when she was very young, causing her to take an interest in gardening** **in the first place, to take a liking to blue apparel, and to eventually befriend John over the internet and lead him, Rose, and Dave down a path where they would ultimately play this game together. **

**Jade did retrieve** **his package in the present as planned, but immediately took it** **to another location where it disappeared. WV in the far future appearified** **it from that location on accident. The package contained further instructions** **for him. He was to bring it** **to PM, and she was to use her station's sendificator** **to send it to another place and time. After she did this, the package appeared** **in front of young Jade on her birthday. Jade orchestrated the sequence of events through knowledge of them by her cloud visions. **

**She orchestrated similar events for the package she sent to John, plotting the circuitous route through time and space it was meant to follow. She again utilized the exiles for help, while they were still in the Medium. The exiles, WV, PM, and AR, were all formerly agents of the kingdoms, before they were exiled by some means to post-apocalyptic Earth. AR, as an Authority Regulator** **in the Land of Wind and Shade, discovered** **the package and the beta copy in John's wrecked car as he gave it a parking ticket. PM, working as a Parcel Mistress, recognized the package from a correspondence** **she had with Jade on Prospit some time ago, and recalled it must be delivered to John. AR would not relinquish the package, though he did give her the beta, which she delivered into a pyxis to satisfy the carved request of a minitablet. John carved** **this tablet at the request of PM through the command terminal in the future. **

**AR brought the package to Derse, where it ultimately wound up on the desk of Jack Noir. Jack is the archagent of the dark kingdom, charged with overseeing affairs through his office's fenestrated wall portals, and processing paperwork. He is forced to wear a silly garment** **in keeping with prototyping themes by the Black Queen, an order he resentfully** **complies with. He oversaw the imprisonment of John's dad, who broke loose on multiple** **occasions. When Jack went to handle it personally, John's dad set** **Jack's hat on fire. In a surly act of gratitude, he released** **the prisoner. John's dad fled to the Land of Wind and Shade, fought** **large monsters, got his hat dirty and lost a shoe. He then carved tablet requests for new ones, which John filled** **via pyxis, unaware of who requested them. **

**PM followed** **AR to Derse in hopes of retrieving the package. After wandering around, she encountered the Black Queen** **on her throne. Both the light and dark kingdoms each have a king and a queen. The queens sit on a throne, on Prospit and Derse respectively, ruling the planet. The kings command armies on the Battlefield, located at the center of Skaia. The queen takes on the attributes supplied by the prototypings due to the four-orbed ring** **she wears. When the ring is removed, the queen is restored to normal. PM showed** **the BQ a parking ticket she was pretending to deliver. The BQ directed** **her to Jack's office, where the ticket should be filed. **

**PM met** **Jack and asked** **for the package. Jack proposed a deal, and gave her a black regisword. If she would kill the White Queen and White King and bring him their crowns, he would give her the package. She accepted with little alternative. She then visited** **the WQ** **on Prospit and explained** **the situation, with no intention of carrying out Jack's mission. The WQ, understanding the futility of their situation and the need to recover the package, abdicated, and gave PM her crown and her ring. PM was instructed** **to go find the White King, retrieve his crown, and receive further instruction on what to do with the ring to protect it. WQ would then eventually exile** **herself to post-apocalypse Earth. **

**On post-apocalypse Earth, after AR fired** **on WV and PM from the ruins, he spotted WV's pumpkin, which WV had earlier appearified** **from Jade's house. He recognized the carving of Bec's silhouette** **on the pumpkin. Fearful of it, he surrendered. The three exiles soon became friends** **over a campfire and shared rations. WV and AR built Exile Town** **out of cans, mailboxes, and bullets. PM operated WV's station terminal** **to submit commands** **to John as he explored** **the Land of Wind and Shade. In the sky, another station teleported and fell** **to the ground. It was shaped like an egg, and originated from Dave's meteor impact site, in correspondence with the egg-shaped item** **he would use to enter the medium. Emerging from this station** **was the Windswept Questant, formerly the White Queen. **

**AR and WV** **sought to impress WQ by crafting** **a crown** **for her out of a mailbox. She refused the distinction, instead giving** **it to PM, who had successfully completed her mission** **to deliver Jade's package** **to John in the distant** **past. The means** **by which she went about this have yet to be seen. **

**John entered the Land of Wind and Shade** **(LOWAS) by having Rose build** **up his house** **to the first gate, fighting through many imps and ogres with his powerful new alchemized weapons, and entering** **the gate. This took him to a location beneath the clouds, far below** **his house. The LOWAS turned out to be a large windyplanet, full of dark terrain, incandescent trees, networks of pipes, and oily rivers. In addition to hosting more powerfuladversaries, the land is occupied by friendlyconsorts, a race of salamanders. They help John understand the mythos of the land, and inform him of the planet's persecution by a sleeping denizen, which is responsible for clogging the pipes** **with oil, and trapping fireflies under the clouds. **

**Each planet has a sleeping denizen, which the players must first wake, and then kill, in the course of their journey through the seven gates. Rose's planet, the Land of Light and Rain** **(LOLAR) is a multicolored ocean planet with white sandy islands and pink ruins, and has a denizen responsible for killing all life** **in the water. Dave's planet, the Land of Heat and Clockwork** **(LOHAC) is a lava planet, covered in industrial steel frame structures and turning gears, and has a denizen of yet unknown qualities. **

**Killing the denizen releases a huge grist hoard buried at the core of the planet, which is then used to fuel a process known as The Ultimate Alchemy. Along the way, the kids are meant to learn about their destined roles in this quest** **as the Heir of Breath (John), Seer of Light (Rose), Knight of Time (Dave), and Witch of space (Jade). Over the course of their quest, the dark kingdom will inevitably defeat** **the light kingdom. The Black Queen and King will take control, and initiate The Reckoning. This affects a belt of meteors, called The Veil, which orbits far from Skaia, between the four planets and Derse, and is host to various lab facilities used by the kingdoms. The Reckoning causes the meteors to descend on Skaia, ultimately destroying it, unless the Black Queen and King can be defeated in time. Skaia however buys time by opening defense portals to catch many of the meteors, redirecting them elsewhere** **in space and time. **

**This is the generic template for the way the game is supposed to proceed. It can deviate from this model however, depending on the actions of the players, and the details of the game mythology presented is unique to each group of players and their session. **

**Long before** **John and his friends started playing the game, another group of players had been persistentlytrollingthem, particularly Jade. They are furious about an action she will take that will cause major problems in the four kids' game session, and inevitably lead to their defeat. Specifically, Jade will send a package** **to John, apparently containing a powerful weapon he will need later. But the package winds up in the hands of Jack Noir, leading to dire consequences. They allude to** **other things she will do that will lead to not only trouble for the four kids, but the troll players as well. **

**The trolls consist of 12 kids from an alien planet, who went through the same process** **as John and his friends, escaping from the annihilation of their planet via meteors, and into the Medium to play the game. Their game session is entirely separate from that of the four kids. It has the same basic template, with its own Skaia, Prospit, Derse, Veil, and a planet for each troll, but separate game instances of these. They also have different instances of the same character templates, such as the kings and queens, and agents like Jack Noir. **

**The trolls have completed their game session with yet unknown results. They now reside on a meteor in their Veil, sitting at terminals trolling John and co. From their terminals they can choose any point in the past or future of the kids to troll, and observe what they're doing at that moment. As a group, their only stated objective is to harass the kids, which they do so haphazardly throughout different points in the kids' timeline. Though they can choose any point on the kids' timeline to talk, they are mostly resigned to the understanding that no matter what they do, they can't change the outcome of the kids' actions. **

**The four most vociferous trolls so far have been carcinoGeneticist, gallowsCalibrator, grimAuxiliatrix, and adiosToreador. (The other 8 being apocalypseArisen, twinArmageddons, arsenicCatnip, arachnidsGrip, centaursTesticle, terminallyCapricious, caligulasAquarium, and cuttlefishCuller, each yet to be heard from.) **

**carcinoGeneticist (CG) appears to have spearheaded the group's trolling campaign. While he was in the thick of his game session, the exile commanding him from a terminal** **in the apocalyptic future was Spades Slick. This is one difference between his game session and John's, who had WV as an exile commanding him. In CG's session, his version of Jack Noir became exiled** **along the way, and took on the name Spades Slick. Three otheragents** **were exiled, and the four of them formed a gang called the Midnight Crew, and spent years building up a dark city in the future wasteland of the trolls' dead planet. Another difference in the trolls' session is that at some point along the way, the Black Queen was also exiled, later joined a rival gang called The Felt, assumed special powers that make her highly inadvisable to kill, and came to be known as Snowman. It was not until Slick confronted The Felt in their mansion that he discovered the station terminal to command CG, and not before Snowman blinded him in one eye, severed his arm, and locked him in a vault. **

**Each troll has a different trolling strategy, and a different rhythm by which they hop around the kids' timelines to chat with them. CG's strategy, for the most part, was to begin trolling them at the very end of their adventure, the moment at which he was most angry with their actions, and then gradually work backwards, mostly talking to John. This proves to be mutually frustrating** **though, as John knows less and less about the situation the further into the past CG goes. Similarly, the further into the future John progresses, the more he has the advantage over CG by knowledge of his future conversations with him, and vice versa. Over the course of the opposing directions of the two sides of the conversation, John learns more about the nature of the game and why they're being trolled, and in spite of hostility, they gradually befriend each other through an inevitability alluded to on both sides of the conversation. **

**Early in the correspondence between John and CG, which is to say late for CG, CG discovers he needs to get in touch with Jade, who refuses to talk to him in that time period. So he delivers a message to her much earlier, months in her past, telling her she needs to contact him when she's in trouble. She will know to do this when her dreambot explodes in the future, an outcome that has not yet happened. **

**Two other trolls, grimAuxiliatrix and adiosToreador (GA and AT) have targeted only Rose and Dave thus far. GA has hopped arbitrarily back and forward** **in Rose's timeline to talk to her, and is attempting to cultivate a friendship with her that now seems rigged through a series of conversational time loops, while seeking counsel from Dave** **on how to befriend her. AT sought counsel from Rose** **on how to troll Dave more effectively, after getting severely counter-trolled** **by him. He is under the impression he rebounded nicely** **though. **

**gallowsCalibrator (GC) has stayed mostly linear in her trolling patterns, and has done so under the guise of helping the kids on their quest. She convinces John to take a shortcut** **through his land, shows him the denizen's palace, leads him to warp back** **to his house, then shows him how to fix the faulty rocket pack he made earlier through an alchemy mishap. She tells him to use the rocket pack to fly up to the seventh gate, enter the denizen's palace, and kill it in its sleep. He complied with this, and flew** **through the seventh gate, in spite of reservations from Dave, who'd just entered the Medium** **the moment before John took off. **

**GC also assisted Rose, just after she bested an ogre with ease. She counseled her on understanding her role as the Seer of Light, and the meaning of the voice in her head as an exile issuing commands from a terminal. In her case, it was the exiled White Queen** **issuing commands from the egg shaped station** **in the future. Since Dave is Rose's server player, the terminal station from Dave's impact site issues commands to Rose. Just as the station at Rose's site, which WV found, issues commands to John, her client player. **

**After conversing with GA, Rose found Jaspersprite and interrogated him** **about the secret which she found so maddeningly mysterious years ago. He explained elements of the mythos of her land, and how she'd need to learn to play the rain to produce the musical analogue of a genetic code to reintroduce life into the ocean. In response to her question about his secret, he simply replied "Meow." She mistook this for more nonsense, but it was in fact the secret he told her years ago. The four letter sequence MEOW unlocked a genetic code in her subconscious, which she would spend years scrawling** **on her wall using those letters in place of the typically used GCAT letters, while completely oblivious to the scrawlings and their meaning just as John was. As Jaspers said, she would understand their meaning when her dream self wakes up. **

**Rose's dream self** **lives in a tower on the moon of Derse. Dave's dream self lives on the same moon in the other tower. It was suggested by Rose's future self, who is fully awake in the tower, that Dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it. This was suggested in a conversation** **she had in the future with Dave. It was an alternative future timeline not meant to be. **

**This future timeline came about by this series of events. **

**Dave was able to enter the Medium by connecting with Jade** **as his server player. Jade got copies of the game** **from the frog ruins, after she delivered John's package** **to her past self. She snuck into the ruins while Bec was asleep, and retrieved the game from a lotus time capsule which had been ticking down for millions of years. The game was Dave's copy from the future, the same one that fell out the window** **with the impaled crow. Once she got the game, the time capsule started ticking down again, set to expire 413 years later, when the exiles are there. She dropped some items in the ruins, leaving them there for AR to find, and leaving her bass jammed in the elevator. Bec then found her there, took her back to her room, and grounded her there for the rest of the evening. **

**She quickly helped Dave set up the game, upgrading** **his alchemiterheavily, and crafting the special item he needed to enter the Medium, a red egg, which needed to be incubated and hatched to activate. She prototyped his kernelsprite** **with the impaled crow, which would affect the enemies later, including the Black Queen. The sprite built a nest** **on top of his apartment's antenna tower, and stole the egg** **to incubate it for hours. A very large meteor was soon bearing down** **on his city. **

**Dave then entered the Medium through a series of unseen events. Jade was asleep, thus forbidden by Dave** **from interacting** **with his environment** **at all. Jade complied** **for fear of retribution. Dave was faced with the Crowsprite, which appeared to be suggesting he prototype it again with the remains of Lil Cal. Dave consulted with John** **on this, who was about to rocket up** **to the seventh gate. John had no advice, and proceeded up through the gate against better judgment. **

**Dave prototyped the sprite with Cal. John entered the palace, presumably found the denizen, and was easily killed by it, as was the intent of GC's trick on him. This meant John could not establish a connection with Jade to rescue her from the looming meteor, and Dave and Rose** **lost contact with her, presuming her dead. Dave and Rose then spent the next four months in the Medium, advancing as far as they could** **to collect information before Dave decided to travel back in time to change events. **

**Dave used his time tables to go back** **to the moment he was about to prototype with Cal. Both he and his past self** **strongly urged John not to go through the gate. John was reluctant at first, but soon reconsidered, and flew down** **beneath the clouds. Future Dave then gave Present Dave all his advanced gear, and prototyped the Crowsprite with himself** **to make Davesprite, thus serving as his own guide from the future. **

**Before going back in time, Future Dave convinced Future Rose** **to go to sleep. He suggested her dream self would be unaltered by the timeline shift, and in her dream state she would remember the events from the future. When Dave went back, Rose's future dream self assumed the position** **of Rose's present dream self. Rose fell asleep, and on Derse's moon, she instantly woke up. She then saw all the genetic scrawlings she did in MEOW letters, and understood their meaning. **

**Meanwhile on Derse below, the Black Queen again** **insisted that Jack Noir abide by the dress code. He refused, and the queen threatened him. He picked up Jade's package to John, removed what was inside, and used it to slice her ring finger off. He then killed the Black Queen, put on the ring, and donned the full upgrade supplied by thethreeprototypings. **

**He then became Jackspers Noirlecrow, which is a name I just made up now. **

**And then after that ****you started watching metype** **in this ****ridiculous study** **I ****photoshopped** **for myself with my ****cool horse painting** **propped up in the background.**


	39. Book 3 Chapter 7: The Second Gate

Chapter 7: The Second Gate

Did you even read any of that? Maybe. There was actually some stuff you _didn't_ already know in there. No, I'm completely serious! Did you know the chum handles of the other trolls? Not telling you; you'll have to read through the recap. Oh, and Jasper's secret is kind of revealed in it too.

In any case, if you don't want to read it, it's your loss. I spent the time writing it for you! Not for myself. I don't talk for my own benefit. I know what's going to happen in Homestuck and that this will _clearly_ be the last book in the series. It'll be a trilogy. That's all. A five-act trilogy where the fifth act is some stupid epilogue where everything gets wrapped up. Oh, sorry, did you know I was dividing this into Acts?

Book 1 consisted of Acts 1 and 2. Book 2 consisted of Act 3, then the Intermission, then the beginning of Act 4. I'm well into Act 4 now. What you are currently reading (well, it's kind of a Hussie Intermission, but that's awesome and overly self-indulgent at the same time) is Act 4. And then the book will end in Act 5 and that will be it. This I am certain of. No, what I'm doing right now isn't boring, reader! Shut the hell up!

Huh? What's that? Oh, it's just you, Cal. Please, not now. I'm working on something. What? I should get back to writing/drawing Homestuck? Oh, but I don't merely write/draw Homestuck. I… wait for it… I'm about to make a joke…

**I **_**CONJURE**_ **THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS. I PULL HEAVY DRAGS FROM THE BRUMES OF INSPIRATION WITH ENCHANTED BELLOWS MARAUDED FROM A GUILD OF CHURLISH MYTHICAL DWARVES. VAST BULBOUS RIDDLESPIDERS PUSH THE SILKEN STRANDS OF PURE WHIMSY THROUGH HIDEOUS ABDOMINAL SPINNERETS AND IT IS THAT WITH WHICH I WEAVE THIS AUDACIOUS COCOON OF EXQUISITE LIES. AND WHEN IT HATCHES A GREAT MOTH OF TITILLATION WILL AWAKEN AND ROAR AND BEAT ITS WINGS, AND THE POWDER SETTLING DOWN WILL ARREST THE HUMORS OF AN ENORMOUS TERRIBLE OLD BEGGAR, RELAXING THE VULTUROUS LEATHERY VICEGRIP HE'S FIXED AROUND YOUR CAPTIVE MIND.**

Alright, this is stupid. I'm going to stop being a wiseass and get back to drawing. But it won't be that exciting to watch. I'll pull up Photoshop again. Here's the file I was using for the fourth wall again. What do you want me to draw? Show you what's going on with John again? Sure.

Here. How about I drag the content from one of the John files under the fourth wall layer, so we can make a more graceful transition out of this ludicrous, highly disruptive self-insertion arc? Yeah, there we go. Oh, and let me switch to 3rd person past tense again. There Hussie went. That worked.

Hussie decided that that was entirely enough of that. If became any more self-aware in a playfully self-deprecating yet weirdly self-aggrandizing manner, he was going to go drown a bag of puppies in a sewer.

John flew through the air with his rocket pack. Suddenly **GC** sent him something via Pesterchum.

**- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **sent ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **the file " 4" - **

**EB: what's this?**

**GC: 1T'S YOUR WORLD M4P**

**GC: W1TH YOUR S3COND G4T3 L4B3L3D**

**GC: SO YOU C4N GO TH3R3**

**EB: oh man, let me drop everything and go there, because i'm in such a huge hurry to take more of your advice!**

**GC: JOHN PL34S3**

**GC: G1V3 M3 ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N BR34KS**

**GC: 1 F33L 4WFUL 4BOUT K1LL1NG YOU**

**GC: 3V3N THOUGH T3CH1N1C4LLY YOU N3V3R 3V3N D13D SO 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 B1TCH1NG 4BOUT :[**

**EB: yeah, well, dave said i did, and i believe him!**

**GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 H3 4ND YOU 4R3 B3ST PUP4 P4LS FOUR LYF3**

**GC: C4NT 1 B3 YOUR P4L TOO JOHN?**

**EB: i don't know, i thought you were ok for a while, but now you are kind of giving me the creeps!**

**GC: J3GUS JOHN**

**EB: what?**

**GC: 1 4M 1NVOK1NG TH3 N4M3 OF YOUR 34RTH J3GUS**

**GC: TO 3XPR3SS FRUSTR4T1ON**

**EB: you mean my earth jesus?**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW**

**GC: DO 1**

**EB: do you have a troll jegus?**

**GC: JOHN**

**GC: W3 H4V3 TH3 B3ST TROLL J3GUS**

**GC: YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW**

**EB: wow, really?**

**EB: or is this a joke?**

**GC: 1TS 4 JOK3**

**GC: 1M NOT R34LLY SUR3 WH4T 4 J3GUS 1S :?**

**EB: well...**

**EB: neither do i, i guess.**

**EB: it's pretty much not anything.**

**GC: JOHN**

**GC: W1LL YOU PL34S3 FOLLOW TH3 M4P?**

**GC: L3T M3 34RN YOUR TRUST**

**GC: 1F YOU DONT L1K3 WH4TS ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF TH3 G4T3**

**GC: YOU C4N JUST TURN 4ROUND!**

**EB: um...**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: i'll take a look.**

He opened the file and a Google Maps file was brought up of LOWAS. There was a red "A" on the map, marking some kind of plateau, maybe? He clicked on it and a picture of a strange gray-skinned girl with small orange horns and red glasses appeared along with a message.

**GC: JOHN H3R3 1S YOUR HOUS3. 1 CROPP3D TH1S WORLD M4P FOR YOU SO YOU C4N F1ND WH3R3 TO GO 34S1LY. FLY NORTH! :]**

**GC: ALSO H1 TH1S 1S M3**

Putting aside how disorienting the troll looked for a moment, John flew north like she'd instructed. Finally he came upon a blue gyrating spirogram with a big green "B" next to it.

**GC: TH1S 1S TH3 S3COND G4T3! GO 1N H3R3. 1 PROM1S3 YOU WONT D13 TH1S T1M3. UNL3SS YOU SCR3W UP 4LL BY YOURS3LF. ;]**

John followed his map and flew over to the gate with his rocket pack. It sat above a random tall plateau in the middle of nowhere. He entered and arrived on LOLAR. Four floating pink turtle shells poured rainbow water above Rose's house. It then traveled under the house in the river and fell down in a waterfall to the ocean below.

John attempted to control how the rocket pack flew and failed. He crashed into the base of the house and through Rose's window, destroying the Totem Lathe in the process. He landed next to Rose. The walls were covered with the letters "M," "E," "O," and "W" for some reason.

Despite the pandemonium of his entrance, Rose was still asleep. She must have really been tuckered out! It looked like this little guy, this black mutant cat, was awake and ready for action, though. He was adorable. John decided to call him Dr. Meowgon Spengler.

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

**TG: wow ok**

**TG: youre a little early**

**TG: but thats fine i guess**

**TG: also you suck at rockets**

**EB: ARGH!**

**TG: what**

**EB: she tricked me again.**

**TG: who**

**EB: GC.**

**EB: she told me how to get to the 2nd gate.**

**EB: so i went through, but it took me to rose's house instead.**

**EB: another prank!**

**TG: dude you did go through the second gate**

**TG: i mean i dont know why you would listen to her again**

**TG: kind of moronic but thats a whole other issue**

**TG: she didnt trick you this time**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: then, i don't really get this.**

**TG: what were you expecting**

**TG: this is how it works**

**TG: the progression of gates is like this whole round robin thing**

**TG: cycling through each planet**

**TG: gate 2 on your planet leads to gate 2 on roses**

**TG: then you build up to gate 3 above her house which leads somewhere else on her planet**

**TG: you look for gate 4 somewhere there**

**TG: which leads to gate 4 above my house**

**TG: and so on**

**EB: wow, ok.**

**TG: ordinarily rose would have already gone through her gate 1**

**TG: but shes sleeping pretty hard obviously**

**TG: and ordinarily you wouldnt have gone through gate 2 until her house was built up**

**TG: so you wouldnt fall to your death**

**TG: but you got your cheat rocket so thats fine**

**TG: see we all got to coordinate on this thing**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: how do you know all this?**

**TG: fuck**

**TG: come on dude**

**EB: oh yeah...**

**EB: you're the orange dave.**

**EB: hey no offense, but do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second?**

**TG: god dammit**

**TG: i am the real dave**

**TG: you know the one who saved your life**

**TG: im more real actually cause ive been through some heavy shit already hopping around on red hot gears and i-beams for like a year**

**TG: and grinding shit out for your ungrateful ass**

**TG: here look check out this code from the future not that you deserve it WIin189Q**

**TG: youre fucking welcome**

**EB: wow, calm down!**

**EB: i'm sorry, that's not really what i meant...**

**EB: i mean, of course you're a real dave, but what i mean is...**

**EB: the dave from my time is also my friend, and i guess he's in the same boat i'm in, not knowing stuff and all.**

**EB: and i'd feel bad keeping him out of the loop!**

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **- **

**TG: yo**

**EB: oh, hey.**

**EB: i think i pissed off your future self.**

**TG: what did you do**

**EB: i said he wasn't the real dave.**

**TG: ahahahahaha**

**EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though!**

**TG: pff**

**TG: dont worry about it**

**EB: why not?**

**TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit**

**TG: and hes me**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: i'm in rose's room by the way.**

**TG: what**

**TG: really**

**EB: yeah, but she's asleep!**

**TG: ok**

**TG: dont go anywhere**

**TG: im coming down to the computer**

**EB: ok.**

**TG: dave is here he wants to use the computer**

**TG: probably to help you scope out roses room and snoop and stuff**

**TG: i mean thats what i would have done**

**TG: if you were alive**

**TG: so im gonna go**

**TG: use these flappy ghost wings and tear shit up in space or something**

**EB: sure!**

**EB: hey dave...**

**TG: what**

**EB: in case i forgot to say so before...**

**EB: thanks for saving my life!**

**TG: yeah**

**- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

**TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here**

**TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up**

**EB: man, i don't know how i feel about that!**

**EB: i don't really like the idea of capering around her room while she's asleep, it feels weird.**

**EB: i'm going to wake her up.**

**TG: dude no come on**

**TG: shes out like a light anyway**

**TG: it was some like weird future thing that happened that made her sleep**

**EB: a future thing?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: shit doesnt get more clear than that**

**EB: well, yeah, she won't wake up.**

**EB: so i guess so.**

**EB: but i'm not snooping!**

**TG: fine dont**

**TG: but here just do this one thing**

**TG: see those two notebooks on the floor behind you**

**EB: yeah.**

**EB: they look sorta like journals.**

**EB: i don't think i should read those!**

**TG: you dont have to read them im not telling you to**

**TG: what kind of prying tool do you take me for**

**TG: just pick them up**

**TG: you know like tidy up a bit since you made a royal fucking dump of her room just now**

**EB: uh, ok.**

John walked over and captchalogued the books.

**TG: now i need you to do something else**

**TG: this is important**

**TG: like for important game reasons and stuff**

**TG: take the card the books are on**

**TG: flip it over**

**EB: umm...**

**TG: so you can see the code**

**EB: wait a minute!**

**EB: i see what you're trying to do.**

**EB: i won't tell you the code for rose's books!**

**TG: dude you dont have to tell me the code**

**TG: just flip it over and let me know if theres a code there thats all**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: i guess.**

**EB: yeah there's a code.**

Dave took a screenshot of Rose's room while the captcha card was flipped upwards.

**TG: alright cool**

**TG: you can ditch the books now if you want**

**TG: maybe put them back on the floor**

**TG: so rose doesnt think you were snooping**

**TG: seriously youve got some grubby fingers bro why dont you mind your own business there**

**TG: what is even with you**

**EB: HAHA DAVE,**

**EB: I THINK ALL THIS LAUGHING MADE ME POOP IN MY PANTS TOO HARD.**

**TG: isnt that your birthday package there**

**EB: oh, yeah, i think it might be.**

**TG: maybe you should look at it**

**TG: i dont think it counts as snooping since its technically yours**

**EB: yeah, maybe.**

**EB: i wonder if she finished...**

**EB: she was so tight lipped about the damn thing! i am really curious.**

Dave zoomed into his screenshot and looked at the code to the books (72KH?CNq). Time for some alchemization.

Dream Rose floated over to the other tower across from her's on Derse's moon. She entered through the window to find Lil' Cal in his Dersian moon outfit jumping around as well as Dream Dave in his Dersian moon outfit asleep at his computer.

Rose threw a spool of yarn at Dream Dave's head and his real life self fell asleep.

"Hey," Dream Dave said, looking at Rose, who was standing by the window. Rose waved at him. Dream Dave's room was pretty much like his real room, with the dysfunctional toilet and Cruxtruder but with Li'l Cal alive and all. Glowing pictures of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff had been drawn over the walls, probably by Dave's subconscious.

John eyed his birthday package again curiously. It was awfully tempting to peek inside, but he felt guilty about it for some reason, even though it was his anyway.

He supposed a perusal of Rose's bookshelf would be harmless enough. Just a bunch of books. The knowledge within was meant for everybody. He stepped over to it when suddenly Dave pestered him.

**TG: afdsjjjjjjjjvfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff**

John decided not to bother dignifying the message with a whole pesterlog ordeal because it was probably just Dave being a truculent Jackass again so screw him.

He found an autographed book on the bookshelf full of beautiful poetry and groundbreaking philosophical thinking called _This Ocean Charles_ by American Sports Legend, Charles Barkley. These were words to cherish. This was a man to treasure.

He captchalogued Rose's book. Jewels of wisdom like this didn't just fall into his lap every day, and shouldn't be parted with lightly. He doubted she'd mind if he borrowed her book. She was always trying to get him to weird strange things anyway.

Oh, he couldn't take it anymore! He looked inside his birthday package from Rose. It was another dirty bunny, like Dave's gift, but this time, half of it was knitted together with yarn and sewed onto the rest of the bunny.

**John, **

**I never got to thank you properly for your gift. Yes, the words were there. Language comprising the familiar veneer of gratitude rubbing off with each tired favor traded for. A God bless to a sneeze or a few pennies cradled in a receipt. Perhaps it's the deplorable romantic in me, but I thought your present, and your friendship, demanded reciprocation surpassing by some degree the utterly meaningless. **

**The proper thanks I thought would be a demonstration that your offering was not in vain. Yes, maybe some would take your suggested alternative to my gloomy preoccupations as a passive-aggressive jab. But I know you didn't mean it that way. In fact, I'm sure reading about it now is the first time the notion has occurred to you. John, please stop rolling your eyes. The letter is down here. **

**The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he's yours. **

**I trust you'll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday. **

**Rose**


	40. Book 3 Chapter 8: Adventure on LOLAR

Chapter 8: John's Adventure on LOLAR

This gift from Rose was so cool! Two sweet bunnies on one birthday? What were the odds? In a fit of enthusiasm, John shut up and jammed the bunny back in the box, executing a textbook chaos dunk. Millions would have perished, if everything in the ocean hadn't already been dead, that was.

Or, at least, that was what he'd liked to have though. Instead, John gently "chaos dunked" the fragile bunny back in the box and captchalogued it. He'd have to write Rose a thank you note and tuck it under her hair band or something. Wait no, that would be creepy.

The bunny reminded him of how he still had a salamander in his sylladex. She was holding the bunny that Dave had gotten him. It was sort of uncanny how similar they were, aside from the knitted enhancements. Seriously, what were the odds? So weird.

John released dear, precious Casey. She'd probably been getting antsy in that card. He thought he'd leave her here with Rose. After all, a dangerous quest was nothing to embark on with a sweet, innocent little girl stashed in his inventory.

He wasn't actually sure if she was a girl though. He didn't even know if salamanders could be girls. Weren't they hermaphrodites or something? John knew nothing about biology. Unless it was biology that had to do with ghosts and slime. But even then he didn't actually know anything. He just sort of liked to pretend he did.

It looked like a troll was bugging Rose.

**- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species**

**GA: I Have To Start Somewhere**

**GA: And Somewhen**

**GA: So I Am Starting With You**

**GA: And Now**

**GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant**

**GA: Mostly For Me**

**GA: Actually You Know What**

**GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All**

**GA: Goodbye**

**TT: she's not here right now, she's asleep!**

**TT: but ok, see you.**

**GA: Is This**

**GA: Your Human Sarcasm That Ive Heard About**

**GA: That You Always Use**

**GA: And That Is Basically A Terrible Way To Communicate**

**TT: umm... no?**

**GA: I Thought That Was The Thing You Did**

**GA: The Rose Human Specifically**

**TT: oh, yeah.**

**TT: that's me! i am the rose human. look at me, i am so smart with all these snooty words and complicated things to say.**

**TT: i am the queen of books.**

**GA: Okay These Are Definitely Insincere Statements**

**GA: Why Do You Work So Hard At Being So Awful**

**TT: fffuuhhhhhhhh**

**TT: i'm so burned, these burns are crazy.**

**TT: can we just cut to the chase and be friends already?**

**TT: these cat and mouse games are so dumb, you know we're just going to all be friends at some point anyway.**

**GA: Have We Spoken Before**

**TT: i don't know, uh, maybe?**

**TT: it's hard to keep track with all your time nonsense.**

**GA: Now That I Think About It It Is Pretty Conceivable That I Will Talk To You Again In The Past After This Conversation**

**TT: that's because you guys always do things the hard way.**

**TT: and the dumb way.**

**GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works**

**GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like**

**TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.**

**TT: you look kind of like...**

**TT: howie mandel from little monsters.**

**TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster.**

**TT: because he was a big goofy adult.**

**TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick.**

**GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest**

**TT: no, it's a movie.**

**TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is.**

**GA: It Seems You Put Stock In Johns Assessment Of Things**

**GA: Even Really Uninteresting Things That Are Pretty Terrible To Listen To**

**GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is**

**TT: yeah, i got him this really cool bunny for his birthday, and it's really nicely knitted and everything.**

**TT: because i am basically in love with him, you are right.**

**GA: Uh Okay**

**TT: heh, just kidding. i'm sure john knows it's cause i am really thoughtful and i bet he really appreciates the present, and would say thank you if he were here!**

**GA: Okay Human Courtship Is Definitely A Strange Thing And Its Sort Of Blowing My Mind Listening To This**

**GA: I Think Ill Talk To Someone Else Now**

**TT: why don't you talk to john?**

**GA: Maybe**

**GA: When Along His Timeline Would You Recommend Communicating With Him**

**TT: oh man, i don't know.**

**TT: why don't you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable?**

**TT: you know that's what you're gonna do anyway.**

**GA: Considering That Youre Obviously Not That Smart**

**GA: And Basically Understand Whipping Bugwinged Fuckall About Even The Most Elementary Temporal Mechanics**

**GA: I Am A Bit Perplexed As To Why I Find Myself So Vehemently Fondling The Short End Of The Antagonism Stick Here**

**GA: Kind Of Irritating**

**GA: Im Going To Talk To Your Comrades**

**GA: This John Human**

**GA: And Figure Out Whats Going On**

**TT: ok.**

**TT: if you talk to him in the past...**

**TT: he'll understand even less buggywhipped fuckall about time, and he'll be confused.**

**TT: so maybe paste something from this conversation to him? i don't know.**

**TT: and if you talk to him in the future...**

**TT: he'll probably know all this stuff, like things you've said to him but haven't said yet!**

**TT: and then you'll be confused.**

**TT: sorry, that's just how this works.**

**TT: don't say i didn't warn you!**

**GA: Consider Me Fully Briefed On The Matter.**

**GA: Until Next Time Rose**

**GA: Next Time In The Past**

**TT: yeah, bye!**

**TT: (heheheheheheh)**

**- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **ceased trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

Somewhere in the veil, the Virgo-signed troll girl with black lipstick and one horn with a droop sat at her computer, typing away. Behind her, the one with the red glasses, **GC**, stood in the middle of the room, tapping around with a white cane.

**grimAuxiliatrix [GA]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network**

**GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport**

**TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up.**

**TA: whoa HERE2 an iidea.**

**TA: pre22 F1.**

**GA: My Keyboard Is Missing The F1 Key**

**TA: liie2.**

**TA: dont bother me iim not iin the mood.**

**TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2.**

**TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever.**

**TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit.**

**TA: 2o go away.**

**GA: You Used To Like To Talk More**

**GA: If I Recall I Was Typically The One Who Would Solicit Reprieves From Your Nonsense**

**GA: So I Dont Know What Happened**

**TA: that wa2 before ii knew we were all goiing two diie.**

**TA: and no one beliieved me.**

**TA: and now look at you all.**

**TA: all beliieviing me 2uddenly HMM UNCANNY.**

**GA: Then Why Are You Doing This**

**GA: Setting Up These Stations For Us**

**TA: two get you all off my bulge about iit.**

**TA: but ii wont troll any of them per2onally no way.**

**TA: kiind of juveniile.**

**TA: but you guys go knock your 2elve2 out ok.**

**TA: 2ee the menu up top?**

**TA: fiiddle around wiith that tiil you open the viiewport.**

**GA: I Did Fiddle With It**

**GA: To No Avail**

**TA: iif you cant fiigure 2hiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2.**

**TA: kiind of liike wiith regii2tered 2ex offender2 and 2chool2.**

**TA: iif you move two a new town you have two go up two your neiighbor2 door and warn them about how 2tupiid you are.**

**TA: and giive them a chance two hiide all theiir iinnocent technology.**

**TA: and vandaliize your hou2e.**

**TA**, the troll on the other end, watched his screen through his glasses. One of the lenses was red and the other blue. **GA **picked up the F1 key from her computer and chucked it across the room at **TA**. It bonked the other troll on the head right in the middle of his four horns. He had four teeth, two of them long like a vampire's and his black shirt bore the symbol of Gemini in a mustard yellow color. One of his shoes was white and the other was black.

**GA **walked over to him and poked him annoyingly. She wore a strange red skirt, or perhaps it was a red dress under her shirt. It wasn't clear. "Come over and help me," she said hasslingly.

Dave showed Rose some of his sweet gear. Wow he was so cool. He pressed a couple of buttons on his beatmaker and music began to play. Rose and Dave jammed out while Lil' Cal jumped around the room like mad. Eventually, however, Rose got annoyed by the puppet and shoved him out the window. He flew down to the surface of Derse's moon.

Maplehoof stood outside the ruins which her beloved master's mother had entered recently. Outside she found a striking scarcity of oats or greenery or anything at all that was delicious to chew on. This was as compelling a reason as any to follow her inside.

She entered the ruins. Her clopping hooves echoed throughout the cavernous and foreboding environment. But she was too stupid to be nervous. Her powerful snout detected the scent of Rose's Mom. The woman had gone this way.

She followed the scent and arrived in a large chamber full of giant pieces of grist. A large and terrible monster must surely have been slain here.

Maplehoof picked up all the grist and stored it in Rose's grist cache. This was entirely too much grist of exotic types for such a low-level player, but she'd take it anyway. You didn't look a gift horse in the pink heart tattoo.

The grist overflow was gathered by the Grist Gutter utility supplied by Grist Torrent. The grist was stored and gradually redirected to other players.

Rose's Mom stood on a small platform and disappeared. Maplehoof was a little nervous about transportalizing herself. As a quadruped, grisly bisection struck her as a very real possibility. Even though she was too dumb to think of such things.

The horse stood on her hind legs and carefully balanced herself on the Transportalizer. She managed to disappear without a grisly bisection.

A fedora appeared out of a pipe on LOWAS. The Breeze carried it to to where it needed to go. It settled in front of a man in sore need of a fresh hat. His own was covered in imp goo.

The man gathered the clean hat, along with a shoe he'd found through similarly serendipitous means to replace one he'd lost.

Suddenly, an old man with a safari hat and a moustache walked out of a ruined building. He held a copy of the Sassacre Text in one hand and a gun in the other. He looked directly at the man and the man stared back.

John's Dad followed the mysterious old man back into the ruins. The old man stepped onto a transportalizer and disappeared. John's Dad followed suit.

John and Dr. Meowgon Spengler visited Rose's Alchemiter, having decided to try out the code Davesprite had given him. Wow! This thing was huge and cost a fortune. It was called the Fear No Anvil. To make it, he'd need half a million build grist, garnets, diamonds, gold, and one piece of quartz. There was no way he could make that, let alone wield it, even with his ghost gloves.

However, he managed to shrink it down to a more manageable and affordable size using the Alchemiter's scaling upgrade. He made the Fear No Anvil. It had a red-and-black-striped handle, along with what looked like a clock on its front. The bangy part of the hammer looked to be made of red garnets.

John pestered Davesprite.

**- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **- **

**EB: so what is this?**

**EB: the thing the code made...**

**TG: really powerful hammer**

**EB: how do you know?**

**EB: i thought you couldn't use hammers.**

**TG: i cant**

**TG: better be though**

**TG: got it from hephaestus**

**EB: who's that?**

**TG: really tough to kill dude**

**EB: you killed him for it?**

**TG: nope**

**EB: how'd you get it then?**

**TG: shenanigans**

**EB: ok.**

Dream Rose looked at Dream Dave's monitor. Even on Derse, the boy was still monitoring LOLAR. It seemed that she had a visitor.

Rose looked at Dave. He nodded, so she went ahead and woke up in real life. Her dream self disappeared from Dream Dave's room.

She sat up in her room. Next to her stood a young salamander.

"Fix my computer," **GA** said.

"Fine! I'll do it, but it's not really fixing it, like I said. I've just got to open the viewport," **TA** replied.

He crossed the room and sat at **GA**'s computer. He opened Trollian again. The window popped up with the four kids' timelines and their chumphandles. Currently selected was a moment about halfway between Dave and Jade's entrances into The Medium. It was on Rose's timeline and the trolling screen was open.**TA** clicked on the point on Rose's timeline and the viewport popped up. They could both see Rose standing in her room next to a salamander.

Rose looked at her computer screen groggily. Someone had been using her Pesterchum account. And she somehow doubted the culprit was this young upright amphibian presently throwing a fit and blowing bubbles from its mouth.

She hurried to the door so she could catch John before he went gallivanting off somewhere. But it seemed her door was ajar. Funny, she didn't remember having left the door ajar. Even though it was sort of absurd for her to take note of such a thing, considering John had recently left the room. Oh well, it didn't matter. She would now proceed through this door uneventfully.

She attempted to pass through uneventfully, but a bucket of Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurism Gushers poured onto her head. It was clearly a mischievous but thoughtful thank you gesture from John. Her prankster's gambit plunged to an all-time low. She simply could not hope to best Egbert in a prank off. He was the best there was.

John stood by the Alchemiter, his trusty rocket pack upon his back. Rose obviously wasn't waking up any time soon, so he figured he might as well take some time to explore, and maybe stop by again later.

"Why, Doctor Meowgon!" he exclaimed. "Do you want to come along for the ride? It sure looks that way. Ok, hop aboard then. Adventure awaits!" He scooped up the mutant kitty in his arms and blasted off. The cat climbed up onto his head.

Rose stepped outside just as John flew away. Where was he off to now? At least she had this little fellow here to keep her company. She decided to name him Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer.

Dave looked out the window. He could sure as hell kiss that obnoxious puppet goodbye. Maybe now he could get a decent knight's sleep (_night_, that is). He watched as Cal dropped to his doom far below… what! A rocket skateboard of some sort appeared and whisked Lil' Cal of to god knew where.

On the planet below, somewhere in the middle of Derse, the Authority Regulator looked up at the spectacle. Okay, this had to be the most ridiculous thing he'd ever seen. What was taking place here was almost certainly illegal. He wasn't sure which laws were being broken, but it was probably a lot!

Lil' Cal on the rocket skateboard descended and hovered over a transportalizer. AR rushed after him and they disappeared, one after the other.

John flew through the raining but clear LOLAR sky and spied a boat on the shore of one of the islands below. He wondered who could have been out here rowing in the middle of the ocean.

He landed and began to investigate. Hmm… hoofprints in the sand. The mystery deepened.

He entered the ruins. There were many frightening and powerful monsters inside. John encountered a pair of chalk liches and aggressed, smashing their skulls and stunning them with the cool time powers of his awesome new hammer. He then dispatched them swiftly.

The good Doctor Spengler helped him gather the riches. Farther into the temple was a platform. He guess he'd just go stand on it and… oh wow it just made him disappear.


	41. Book 3 Chapter 9: More Alchemization

Chapter 9: More Alchemization

Out in The Veil, on a seemingly insignificant meteor, was a building. It was in this building that John was appearified. Now what in the hell was going on in here. He and Dr. Spengler were in a lab of some sort. On the floor around him were a copy of the Sassacre Text… no, wait… _**his **_copy of the Sassacre Text, an oily fedora, a pony with a big pink bowtie and a heart tattoo on its back, and Lil' Cal wearing a purple shirt with an image of a crescent moon on it.

He looked past the four odd relics/living things/puppets and saw an odd system of giant jars hooked up to wires and tubes. _Now what in the hell was going on in here? _Inside some of the jars were what looked to be giant black and white chess pieces, and a bunch of smaller jars (which were all still a lot bigger than John) around them contained black and white carapacians.

Ah, who cared? He just decided to ride the pony instead. Yes. Fuck yes. Hell fucking yes! But seriously what in the hell was going on in here?

John walked past the jars and found a sweet getup propped up next to a large machiney console thing. The getup looked almost like it had been tailor made for him. How weird would that have been? He put on the Junior Ectobiologist's Lab Suit. It fit him perfectly.

Oh wow. Next to where that suit had been was a large machiney thing that John had neglected to pay attention to previously. Okay. NOW WHAT IN THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN HERE? Of course it was obvious to everyone but John what in the hell was going on in there. It was another one of those four-monitored house-shaped terminal thingies.

AR tried to resist the great urge to ride Bro's rocket board and failed. He started thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on his quest for "MAD JUSTICE YO" and got this way rude municipality under control. Shit was basically flying off the hook. It was like shit wanted nothing to do with that hook. The hook had filed for divorce from that shit and was now seeking custody of their two kids.

AR popped a fucking wheelie. These hops were unreal. Shit this flagrant should have been illegal. Actually, it probably was. But he didn't care. He high-fived another one of those mysterious arms coming from random blue portals throughout paradox space.

Meanwhile, on Prospit's moon, PM prepared to depart for the Battlefield. She had traveled from the main planet to the moon to catch a shuttle to Skaia. There she would seek WQ's council.

Something appeared behind her. It was a Dersian agent with a fancy-looking tentacled jester hat. The Parcel Mistress had been unwittingly tailed by a nefarious Courtyard Droll from Derse. CD attempted to pick her pocket. He poked her and then jumped around to her other side when she turned. She saw no one there.

While PM was distracted, CD pilfered WQ's ring from her. None the wiser, PM boarded the shuttle. Next stop, Skaia!

The Courtyard Droll received an incoming message from the Draconian Dignitary.

"Hey, did you get the ring?" DD asked.

"Yup," CD said.

"Good," DD said. "Bring it to me while I wait for an update from the Hegemonic Brute who's been tracing the King's movements down on the Battlefield."

"Right oh," CD said, and began to trek back to the transportalizer to Derse.

"Oh, and Droll," the Dignitary said. "Are you still wearing that ridiculous outfit? You don't have to wear it anymore, by orders of the Sovereign Slayer."

"I'd still rather wear the outfit," CD said. There was silence on the other end.

"Got it," DD said finally, and hung up.

Suddenly, a young girl with a yellow sun shirt on leaped out of nowhere and kicked CD in the face. She clobbered him and gave him an additional pummeling.

Jade's Dreambot similarly gave her dead Grandpa a good smackdown.

Dream Jade took the ring in a sweet catch and left the Courtyard Droll, who was currently seeing Squiddles. But it was too late. That carapacian CD had stolen the ring from had left. Jade had to remember to deliver it to her later somehow.

The best way to remind yourself that you were carrying a ring was to put it on your finger. Jade did so and immediately mutated like Jack and so many others before her. Her arm disappeared from her shoulder down, her eye developed a scratch over it, tentacles extended from beneath her arms, giant wings appeared on her back… etc.

Actually, that had just been an imaginary transformation, since the ring didn't actually work like that on humans. It had been fun to pretend though.

Meanwhile, in a timeless expanse somewhere, a Warweary Villein rued eternal struggle between feuding royalty. The Battlefield held little promise for the peaceful life of a simple farmer.

Before John had entered The Medium, the Battlefield had been a small 3x3 chess board. The Black King and the White King walked around the board, locked in an eternal struggle of opposition. However, with the entrance of John and Nannaquin, the small board had expanded into a large 8x8 board. And then, with the entrance of Rose and Jaspersprite, the large board had expanded into a chesscube, a land of water, checkerboard squares, and chess pieces. And then Dave and Davesprite had entered The Medium, turning the Battlefield into a huge checkerboard planet with hills and trees and stuff.

On one side of the board waved the yellow flag, Prospit's symbol of peace. On the other side lay Derse and their Dersian flag. A black carapacian army with swords and stuff marched towards Prospit's side. A white carapacian army with swords and stuff marched towards Derse's side. Under the white clouds of Skaia, the war between the two sides raged on the Battlefield.

Yellow and purple ships in the sky deployed more carapacians, climbing down long rope ladders. A giant black chess piece was plopped onto one of the squares, knocking some white carapacians aside.

And somewhere not too far away from the chaos, a scarecrow floated in the breeze. The scarecrow guarded over a nice little flower shop nearby, where a Warweary Villein lived. The grass outside his house caught fire and he walked outside. He walked to the top of a hill overlooking a large portion of the Battlefield and watched as the Black King knocked a bunch of white carapacians to the side, dead, with his Skaian staff.

A shadow passed overhead. Jack Noir, flying up above, surveyed the blood shed along with WV. They both watched, one gleefully and one in despair. And then both of the sides joined forces against some unknown enemy. They all turned as one great carapacian army under the leadership of the Villein.

At the same time, elsewhere on the Battlefield, the Parcel Mistress encountered the White King. The giant man disengaged his staff and was brought down to PM's size. She explained the situation, showing him WQ's ring. The White King nodded and handed her his staff. "This is my equivalent of a ring," he explained.

The Hegemonic Brute (HB) watched the exchange and reported back to the Dignitary.

"Good," said DD. "Everything is going according to plan then. Ready your fists for phase two, please."

The carapacian army marched towards the Black King (BK). "But I'm your King," he remarked to the black half of the army with a snarl. He sounded very taken aback. "You can't…" He stopped talking because Jack Noir, also known as the Sovereign Slayer, or SS, had just sliced the King's staff in half. BK shrunk to his normal size. "Aw shit," he said. SS landed and slashed his head off. BK's staff flew into the air and fell down a waterfall.

Elsewhere on the Battlefield, HB leaped out, punched PM in the face, and grabbed the staff. "Ha! What's left of your little plan now?" he asked brutishly.

Rose decided to alchemize a whole bunch of cool stuff because why not. shit. lets be santa

COMIC #16: he LAUGHED when he shok, like a bowl full of WEED! omfg

Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff in SHIT LETS BE SANTA

Sweet Bro: shit. lets be santa

Sweet Bro: com on. these are GREAT BOOTS

Sweet Bro: FUCK they dont fit!

Sweet Bro: come ON

Sweet Bro: *sign*...

Sweet Bro: fuck.

Sweet Bro: who would even make these…

Sweet Bro: conksuck boots anyway…

Sweet Bro: _imigrants?_

Panel thing: BIMP

Hella Jeff: and the night before christmas…..

Hella Jeff: and all through then house…..

Hella Jeff: not a creature…

enter Geromy through chimney

Geromy: GOD BLESS US EVERYBODY

Anyway, Rose made a hubtop by && combining the laptop and hub. That one had been pretty obvious. She then && combined the bronzed vacuum and an umbrella to make the bronzed vacuumbrella. Useless. But she was still just getting warmed up.

Rose | | combined Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer and an eldritch plush doll to make a huggable soft Salamancer plush. She awarded it to the Viceroy on account of good behavior.

She && combined an ink bottle with a box of Gushers to make a box of Bodacious Black Liquid Sorrow Gushers. Another Crocker nightmare reared its ugly head. The ink reversed the healing properties of the blue phlegm. These were pure poison.

Rose && combined her hair band and the hubtop to create the hubtopband, a convenient hands-free computing device.

She then && combined the magnetic W and a bottle of her Mom's vodka to make a W-shaped bottle containing magnetic wodka. In addition to having high alcohol content, the liquid inside appeared to have magnetic properties. She… she _guessed_ it could be useful.

Next, she && combined a wizard statue with a ball of yarn to produce some silken wizardbeard yarn (with magical properties). It had magical properties because it was made of a wizard. Maybe she could make something that also had magical properties but was a bit more useful than this. Perhaps combining the wizard statue with the knitting needles?

She | | combined them to produce a pair of needlewands. They crackled with the majyyk enyrjjies. It was time to make something cool to wear too.

She && combined some of her knittings with a velvet pillow and | | combined the two with her dark squiddle shirt, making a stylish velvet squiddleknit dress.

Rose && combined her needlewands and her grimoire to create the Thorns of Oglogoth. The needles seemed to shiver with the dark desires of the deep one. Any sane adventurer would cast these instruments of the occult into the Furthest Ring and forget they had ever existed.

During all that time she'd just spend alchemizing (certainly not in a 1980's timelapse montage), dozens of malefactors had arrived. The consisted of imps, ogres, and liches. She aggrieved them with the Thorns of Oglogoth.

"Welcome to the party, motherfuckers!" she yelled.

Jade took advantage of Dave's nap to make some architectural headway on the apartment building. She was really proud of her floor plan. It was so cool!

Oh, and, speaking of naps, she'd been asleep for some time now herself. She supposed she'd better wake up soon. But then, her neighbor in the other tower was supposed to be waking up soon too, and it would sure be a shame if she wasn't around to greet him.

Dave suddenly woke up and decided it was time to jam. And by jam he meant alchemize, of course. Whoa his house was huge suddenly! Anyway, it was time to get this party started.

Dave && combined his sunglasses and iPhone to make the iShades. This one had been really obvious because Future Dave had had a pair, but he'd taken them with him when he'd prototyped himself. Now he had a pair too, though, so that was cool.

He then && combined the timetables from Future Dave and his computer, making the turntop. Convenient computing on the go. Sort of like he had with his iShades, except with all the important files and apps on there. Not to mention SBURB. Plus maybe it had some weird time powers? He had no idea. He'd mess with it later.

Dave | | combined Future Dave's puppet tux with a smuppet, producing a red plush puppet tux. He popped them on. Walking around in them was like walking around in snugly pajamas. _Action pajamas_!

Next, he && combined the broken Caledscratch and some ruby contraband, whatever the hell that was. They were both items he'd gotten from Future Dave's loot stash. The resulting item cost a fortune. He had no idea what it was!

He momentarily reconfigured his Alchemiter upgrades to make use of the holopad extension. He popped the card in the slot and checked it out. The combination would produce the broken Scarlet Ribbitar. It cost 50,000 build grist, 200,000 rubies, 10,000 diamonds, and 1,000,000 of an unknown type of grist.

He tried combining the whole Caledscratch with the ruby contraband to produce the Scarlet Ribbitar in its unbroken form. There was no way he could afford to buy that. It cost _twice_ as much as its broken counterpart. He supposed he could always alchemize the broken Ribbitar and then dial back time with his turntables…

Maybe he'd stick to combining items from around the house for now, rather than stuff from his future sylladex… or, rather, alternate future sylladex. It would be less confusing that way, and probably less expensive.

He used one of his Bro's really shitty swords from the fridge and a printout of a Hella Jeff comic to make a Sord. This thing was so unbelievably shitty he had a hard time even holding it. No, seriously! It was transparent! com ON!

Dave then combined a Snoop Dogg photo with the mini AC and the Caledscratch to produce the Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete. When foes dropped it like it was hot all he had to do was turn up the blizzizzle nozzle so they chizzlaxed fo' rizzle.

Next he combined a skateboard with his Hella Jeff drawing to make Unreal Air. And there it went, floating directly upwards. It was ridiculous what kind of air this thing was getting. "Dude come get the ruler check this out." Yeah, it wasn't coming back. It flew higher and higher and finally vanished in Dave's line of sight.

He made another Unreal Air but quickly stashed it in a card so it didn't escape from above. Next, he turned back the clock to make a vintage Gamebro magazine issue. He thought he remembered this one from his Bro's stash. It was a classic.

Dave combined a batarang from the house with a Midnight Crew poster and created four suitarangs, one of each suit. Dave made a whole pile of them because they were really cool and pretty cheap.

He next && combined the plush puppet tux with his Midnight Crew poster to make the Four Aces Suited. He wasn't really sure which outfit he liked better. The red one was softer, while the new black one was kind of stiff and starchy. Anyone wearing the Four Aces Suited was all business. Maybe he'd switch it up as his mood dictated.

He also && combined the plush puppet tux with his poster of The Felt to make the Felt Duds… or he would have, if he had some of whatever that green grist was. Instead, he && combined a smuppet and the poster of The Felt and made a jutting out and impudent felt plush. Dave did an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle and into its heart, and it into his.

Dave && combined the dead things in amber from his room with a smuppet to make a foam mutant smuppet encased in amber. Now he was getting somewhere. He | | combined the same items to produce an amber mutant smuppet abomination. For science! So cool. Now this was how he made shit work. Egbert and Lalonde should have been taking notes.

He then combined the Mr. T puppet with a fetus in a jar to create a foam fetal Mr. T in a jar. Another backbreaking victory for science. Dave was looking pretty chill with his new freakshow entourage. The underlings all looked kind of put off by it though. He was kind of weirding them out.

Dave && combined a camera and a captchalogue card to make the Captcharoid Camera. He could use it to snap a ghost image of any object without captchaloguing it. It spit out a brand new captchalogue card every time. "Could be a useful way to take a large inventory of anything I encounter without cluttering up my sylladex," Dave said. Also for grabbing codes for stuff he couldn't ordinarily pick up. Dave took a picture of himself in one of his patented ironic cool guy self-portraits. Man so cool. That was really all there was to say on the matter.

He then tried to && combine his self-portrait with the fetus in a jar. That would apparently make Dave' brain in a jar. Gross. It cost a king's ransom though (1 billion of some yet unknown type of grist) because of course the organ was virtually unimitable. But that didn't stop him from captcharoiding the hologram. Okay, that was probably the weirdest thing he'd ever done, but ok.

He then combined the picture of his brain in a jar, the SBAHJ drawing, and the captcharoid camera to make the SBAHJifier. Finally, something useful. It cost him -1000 units of artifact grist, whatever that was.

He decided to try out the SBAHJifier. He snapped a picture of Davesprite and a comic was automatically made.

COMIC #SPECAL: MAGICAL WINGS

Hella Jeff: bro whered you go i was going to shoa you my chops…. ..

Hella Jeff: ahah dude are those wings?

Sweet Bro: time to fly up away to the sun you fucknig piece of gargbage

Hella Jeff: UM…. OKAAAAAAAAAAY?

Hella Jeff: the only thing thats left to really do its watch that ass whole fall


	42. Book 3 Chapter 10: Genetic Codes

Chapter 10: Genetic Codes

Finally, Dave alchemized Rose's journals. He couldn't forget the most important thing he'd come up here to make. He needed to be gettin' his snoop on.

He took a look at the two journals. One was titled "MEOW". The other was titled "Complacency of the Learned". Gee, he wondered what could be in MEOW.

He opened the book:

**MWOEWEOWOEOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWOEWEOWMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWEOWOEWMEWMMWOMEWEOWEOEWOMOWEMWMOEWEOEMWMOMMWEMWOMWEWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOWEOWMEOMEWEMOMWEMWMOEWMOEWMOEWMWEWOMEWMOEMWOMEWMEWEMWMOEOMMMOMOMOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMOWWMWWMWMOEWEOOOMOMOEEOMWMWEOWEOMWMOWMWEOMWEMWOWMWOEOMWEOMWWWMWEWEWEWOWOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWEWEOWEOEWOMOWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEEEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWM **

**WMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWE **

**OMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMW**

To no surprise at all, this book was filled with more MEOW letters. It looked like Rose was totally nuts. What else was knew. He guessed he'd try out the other book. It looked like some sort of creative writing project. He opened to the beginning.

**Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock. A more pedestrian audience would parse the exhibit as nervous compulsion. Behavior to petition contempt among the reasonable. He was however not surrounded by the reasonable, but the **_**wise**_**, a distinction in men that would forever be the difference in history's garland of treasured follies. As a matter of fact, his cadre of fellow wizards were all putting similar moves on their beards as well. The practice would evince thoughtfulness - sagacity, even - if they didn't do it all the time. Standing in line at the bank. Shooing squirrels from bird feeders. Few occasions were safe. **

**Zazzerpan inspected the clue. A single piece of evidence cradled in his coriaceous old man palms. It was a human bone, not striking in the tale it told alone so much as that told by the thousands like it festooning the marshy soil of the mass grave. The grisly expanse bore the texture of a decadent dessert, like one of Smarny's formidable custard trifles wobbled out on wheels for the holidays, to the dismay of a small nation. **

**"You're certain of this?" asked Frigglish. Despite what he was doing with his beard, he was, in fact, immersed in meaningful contemplation. **

**"I am afraid I am becoming more so with each terrible tick groused by that gaudy timepiece slung around your neck." In case it wasn't clear, Frigglish wore a clock Zazzerpan didn't care for. It was magic. "The massacre of Syrs Gnelph was not as written." **

**"What has you convinced it was the hand of our disciples in this blackness?" Executus chimed in. **

**"I believe... I..." a fat face stammered, eyes darting with the guilt of a thief in the throes of an unraveling alibi. "I can summon a... more **_**pressing**_ **line of inquiry..." No, Smarny. Nobody was in the mood for a sticky bundt loaf just now. **

**Zazzerpan's ears fell insubstantial to any line of inquiry, pastry-oriented or otherwise. His abstruse contour carved a pondering shape in the fog carpeting centuries-dead. His eleven contemporaries too embraced the muted consternation of their great Predicant Scholar. Few wizards kept sharper adumbratives or read them with such lucidity. When Zazzerpan treated men with silence it was seldom unrepaid by the wise and reasonable alike. **

**It was harrowing to entertain. Zazzerpan the Learned's storied Complacency of Wizards was marked for grander descendence. Disciples hand-picked, vetted by Ockite the Bonafide and tested by Gastrell the Munificent. The twelve sweetest, most studious children a pair of elderly eyes could give their sparkle. Not the ragged guttersnipe so oft-harvested by the common Obscenity, those vituperative little beggars with hearts to corrupt as dropped bananas brown. That these chosen youngsters would turn was not merely unthinkable, but something of a roundhouse to the temporal bones of the Upper Indifference's high chamber of Softskulled Prophets. **

**His wisdom-savaged brow pruned further with recount of his many lessons to wouldbe successors. Lessons to advance humanity's elucidation and prosperity, an outcome this bleak trail now painfully obviated. There were few puzzles The Learned could not suspend and dissect in the recondite manifold beneath his extremely expensive pointy hat. Daring to pitch his cherished pupils in with the foul melange of history's rogues, the heretofore abstract scourge that built up civilizations with ungodly magic and tore them down with joyful malice, would prove an intellectual trespass to make his calcium-deficient bones quake. **

**And more daring yet was the only question that now mattered. Could a bunch of bearded, scraggly old men in preposterous outfits hunt them down? He didn't have an answer. Only a simple observation so blunt and uncharacteristically jejune for the lauded sage it was breathtaking in its selfevidency. **

**"We're going to need more wands." (Wow. Think of something better.)**

This wizard story seemed really involved and kind of confusing. He'd have to save his place and dig into it later, and then ask Rose what the hell the deal with it was.

He returned to his room in search of a bookmark. Oh, hey. Finally a use for that pointless juice-stained beta that would never serve any purpose, past or future. He dropped the journal on the john in the center of his room in case he was looking for some reading material later.

He hopped on his computer and checked on Rose. She was burning one of her notebooks.

**TG: whoa why are you burning your wizard fanfiction**

**TT: I'm not.**

**TT: This book contains a genetic code.**

**TG: oh ok**

**TG: then why are you burning that**

**TT: The gods from the Furthest Ring asked me to.**

**TG: is that some dumb wizard thing you just made up**

**TG: or something to do with tentacle monsters**

**TG: i cant keep track of what you like anymore**

**TT: How did you know I wrote a story about wizards, anyway?**

**TG: john told me**

**TG: he was all snoopin around your room while you were asleep and i was like no man dont**

**TG: so not cool**

**TG: then he was like haha dude check it out this book is full of wizard slash**

**TG: and i was like i dont even want to know this is such a crazy violation of privacy**

**TT: This story sounds suspicious.**

**TG: do you want me to chew him out about it i will because that was so outrageous i dont know where he got off being like that**

**TT: No, I don't actually mind.**

**TT: Too bad I missed him.**

**TG: i thought you hated wizards**

**TG: whats the deal with that**

**TT: I like wizards.**

**TT: What I don't like is my mother's obsession with feigning interest in them to antagonize me.**

**TG: oh man thats so messed up**

**TG: that you think that**

**TG: she probably digs wizards for real just like you and youre blowing shit out of proportion like pretty much always**

**TG: you and she could probably have been chatting up how awesome wizards were this whole time but no**

**TG: youre probably burning your nutjob meow book to spite her too arent you**

**TT: No, I told you.**

**TT: It's one of the gene sequences locked in my subconcious.**

**TT: The gods say it's critical to destroy it.**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i thought that was a joke**

**TG: when did they say that**

**TT: When I was asleep.**

**TG: you mean when we were dancing and stuff in our dreams**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: When I flew to your tower, I heard them.**

**TT: They're far above, in the dark sky.**

**TG: ive never seen or heard these things in my dreams**

**TT: Aren't you often distracted?**

**TT: By music and puppets?**

**TG: uh yeah**

**TT: Have you ever looked into the sky without your shades?**

**TG: no what a ridiculous question**

**TT: Maybe you should try it some time.**

**TG: ...**

**TT: You're the prince of the moon.**

**TG: ...**

**TT: I'm sure they've been meaning to seek a royal audience.**

**TG: ...**

**TT: What do all these dots mean...**

**TG: dunno**

**TG: anyway yeah i guess ill do that**

**TG: get some sky monsters to boss me around sounds cool**

**TG: so really why are you burning that**

**TT: I just explained this to Other Dave.**

**TT: Do I have to explain everything to you twice now?**

**TG: no i know**

**TG: im using daves spare computer i saw the whole conversation through his pesterchum account**

**TT: Oh, I see.**

**TT: So instead of having to double explain, I merely have to put up with being double spied upon.**

**TT: What a relief!**

**TG: i just mean**

**TG: you didnt burn that book in the future**

**TG: that book was completely pointless**

**TT: I know.**

**TT: But now it's not.**

**TT: You appeared to make it relevant by traveling to the past.**

**TG: so does that mean the sleeping thing worked**

**TG: you remember the future**

**TT: I remember some things.**

**TG: ok cool**

**TG: so why is the cat code so terrible now**

**TT: I don't know.**

**TT: But the gods were pretty emphatic about it.**

**TG: well ok i guess its done but why are you so sure theyre right**

**TT: Have you ever known them to be wrong?**

**TG: i guess not**

**TG: but they sort of freak me out**

**TG: i mean listening to gross space mutants all day isnt my idea of an awesome time**

**TG: especially the ones that sing oh god**

**TT: Is that why you always kept the music turned up?**

**TG: no i flip out to ill jams because they kick ass**

**TG: obviously**

**TT: I guess we'll chalk another riddle up in the solved column.**

**TG: yeah case the fuck closed**

**TG: are you talking to future me**

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: ok im out of the loop again**

**TG: between you taking orders from dream beasts and bird wing me with like**

**TG: future secrets**

**TG: im doing some sort of spectacular fucking jackknife off the loop and getting a wink and a nod from barack obana**

**TG: im coming upstairs**

**TT: Ok.**

Dave left his room and someone else entered through the window. It was a Dersian agent, the Draconian Dignitary.

**DAVE: so it was pretty funny how i made a copy of roses evil book right before she burned it and now she doesnt know about it**

**DAVESPRITE: i know its crazy what kind of foresight this guy has**

**DAVESPRITE: im telling you coincidences like that are unreal they dont even happen**

**DAVESPRITE: most of the time**

**DAVE: the best thing about how i did that is how it in no way will ever come back to bite us in the ass ever**

**DAVESPRITE: dude our shit is SAFE**

**DAVE: so safe**

**DAVESPRITE: gonna sleep pretty sound tonight**

**DAVESPRITE: with that big fucking payload of safety you just got dropped on us**

**DAVESPRITE: gonna be all huggin my pillow and shit**

**DAVESPRITE: grinning like a goddamn bear full of honey**

**DAVE: safer than some flintstone vitamins in a bottle**

**DAVE: keep twisting junior all you get is clicks**

**DAVESPRITE: asshole thinks its candy**

**DAVESPRITE: doesnt even know he just stepped on a security rake and got a face full of fucking safety**

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: anyway guess ill go back down and burn that book**

**DAVESPRITE: alright**

Dave returned to his room and found that the books were gone! "What?!" He yelled. He was about to go back in time and stop the thief, but judging by the dead version of himself on the floor, he'd already tried that. Whoever had taken those books had been a really cold-blooded dude. He figured he'd cool it on the time travel for a while. He didn't want to see the Dave corpses start to pile up. Especially if one of them wound up being him.

He threw the body out the window so that Jade wouldn't see it. It probably would have freaked her out. The body landed in the lava and burned into nothingness.

Hiding where Dave couldn't see, the Draconian Dignitary began to slip away. He already had what he needed.

John pushed one of the buttons on the control panel, activating the upper right monitor. The view was locked on to a particular location on Earth at a particular date and time. Whoever had been in the lab before appeared to have recently calibrated the device.

The monitor displayed a town on the west coast of the United States. It appeared to be his old neighborhood. But there was a factory there that he didn't recognize. The date on the screen said it was December 1st, 1995, a few months before he'd been born. He zoomed into the factory. It was a Betty Crocker factory. John was about to flip out when he saw something else.

An old woman was being escorted by her son on a lovely day. A target had been locked over the gentleman's mother. That was his Dad and Nanna, he was sure of it! And they were walking past the factory. A meteor overhead loomed unnoticed.

Suddenly, the meteor crashed into the factory and destroyed it! Collateral damage to a corporation owned by a renowned billionaire explorer. A mystery began.

John pressed the big blue button in the center console and created a paradox ghost imprint of the woman he recognized to be his grandmother. The ghost sludge was sucked into a glass tube.

He then pressed another one of the buttons and the bottom right switched on. The upper right monitor switched off. The monitor displayed a view of a remote island in the Pacific on December 3rd, 1995. A renowned billionaire explorer approached on his yacht. An old factory had been lost two days prior, but a new shipmate gained. Jade stood next to him, holding the old patchwork bunny that John had received from Rose for his birthday. Together, the old man and the girl settled the island and plundered its secrets. A meteor overhead streaked unnoticed, headed towards an unseasonably warm city in the central United States.

John pressed the blue button again, creating a paradox ghost imprint of the man he'd spotted in the woods with his book. The ghost sludge was again scooped up by the machine.

John switched to a view of an unseasonably warm city in the central United States on December 4th, 1995. An outrageously awesome dude stood before a crater where his favorite record shop had stood one day prior. He was prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome triangular shades. A meteor raced overhead unnoticed, headed to a lake near a laboratory on the east coast of the US. No aquatic life could survive.

John created a paradox ghost imprint of the outrageously awesome dude. The sludge was allocated to another glass tube.

He switched to the last screen, which displayed a view of his neighborhood on April 13, 1996. It was the date of his birth. There was more real estate he did not recognize near the recently devastated baked goods facility. It was a shopping mall he'd never seen before. He zoomed in. A professional lady, who had recently become a mother, walked along the sidewalk. She'd traveled from the opposite coast at the behest of a famous and wealthy scientist to study one of numerous recent celestial anomalies while he was on expedition.

She didn't notice the arm sticking out of a portal in the sky, but she did notice a meteor overhead, on collision course with a quaint family joke shop called Prankster's Gambit. A distinguished gentleman with a pipe and fedora noticed the lady and came outside to greet her, oblivious to the threat above. The gentleman's mother remained inside the shop, busying herself with a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a rather hefty copy of _Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery_.

The meteor crashed into the joke shop and the gentleman and lady were thrown to the side. The baby girl the lady was cradling in her arms began to cry. An old mother was lost that day for the old gentleman, but a new son was gained.

The gentleman stood and discovered a clue. The pink scarf the lady had been wearing. His powerful nose detected perfume. The lady had fled. The mystery deepened.

But the monitor in the lab had not lost track of the lady. John pressed the blue button and created a paradox ghost imprint of her. The sludge filled the fourth and final tube. Once they were all filled, an automatic sequence began to execute. Screens scrolled through countless letters of A, C, T, and G, the four chemicals that made up DNA.

Suddenly, four young paradox clones were created. Bro Strider, Rose's Mom, John's Dad, and Jade's Grandpa all appeared on a large cloning pad. But there was one more button to push before John tried to figure out what exactly was going on. Who were these mysterious babies?

Boy, ectobiology sure did involve a lot of button-pushing. At least it did when you were a junior ectobiologist. He reached for it, but his loyal assistant Dr. Meowgon Spengler was all over this one.

One pair of tubes (containing John's and Jade's ancestors' ghost sludge imprints) emptied into the chamber below. So did the other pair (containing Rose's and Dave's ancestors' ghost sludge imprints) into a different chamber. Another sequence was activated and four more paradox baby clones were produced. This time they looked like the four kids…

John stormed up the echeladder to the coveted if difficult to pronounce rung: Ectobiolobabysitter. The eight babies began to crawl all over him. His ladder was absolutely hemorrhaging the boondollars. Just what his porkhollow's fat ass needed.

He surpassed one million boondollars and traded them all in for a single whopping boonbuck. This was, of course, going directly into the college fund for the youngsters. It sure was heavy. Into the hollow it went… or not. The boonbuck smashed the porkhollow into hundreds of tiny ceramic shards.


	43. Book 3 Chapter 11: Ectobiolobabysitting

Chapter 11: Ectobiolobabysitting

An old man with a safari hat navigated The Veil nearby. He had much to do before he returned to Earth, died, got stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter/granddaughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace. Taking priority at the moment was shipping two passengers long overdue for a reunion. He steered his starship around a rather large meteor.

On one of the riggings of the ship stood a distinguished gentleman and a professional lady. The gentleman took the pink scarf out of his wallet fetch modus and gave it to the lady. She took it and wrapped it around her neck. They held hands and looked towards the glowing light of Skaia.

The eight children in the ectobiology lab messed around while John answered one of the trolls. Little paradox John hugged Dr. Spengler to his chest. Paradox Rose and her paradox Mom played some kind of pattycake game. Baby Grandpa Harley smashed his fist against the cloning pad. The Strider brothers smashed the glass jars of the ectobiology machine apart. Paradox Jade tugged on his shorts while Paradox Nanna climbed on top of John's head.

**CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT.**

**EB: what point?**

**CG: THE POINT I WAS JUST MAKING.**

**CG: ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.**

**CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE.**

**CG: OK THAT'S YOUR CUE TO LAUGH AT ME SOME MORE I GUESS.**

**CG: BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO REALLY GET OFF WHENEVER I FLAME YOU.**

**CG: HUMANS ARE DERANGED.**

**EB: oh man, i must be getting closer to the conversations where you're trolling me harder!**

**EB: this is pretty exciting, i can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve.**

**CG: YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT.**

**EB: anyway, you weren't making a point about the ultimate riddle, dude.**

**CG: YES I WAS, AND NOW I'M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT DIPSHIT.**

**EB: nope, we never talked about it.**

**EB: yet...**

**CG: OH HELL, THAT'S RIGHT.**

**CG: DAMMIT, I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO BE CONFUSING.**

**EB: oh, you're just starting to figure that out now?**

**CG: SEE I KIND OF PAINTED MYSELF INTO A CORNER.**

**CG: I STARTED TROLLING YOU AT THE END, JUST BEFORE THE RIFT.**

**CG: AND THEN JUMPED BACK A LITTLE.**

**CG: AND NOW I GUESS I'VE BECOME RAILROADED INTO WORKING BACKWARDS HERE.**

**CG: UNLESS I WANT TO DO THE SORT OF DUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE OTHERS.**

**EB: oh my god, i know, you've already told me like a million times!**

**CG: I HAVE?**

**CG: WOW I CAN'T WAIT FOR ALL THESE AMAZING CONVERSATIONS TO TAKE PLACE.**

**CG: IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE THAT HUMAN VACATION WITH THE GIANT RED CHIMNEY ASSHOLE UP IN HERE.**

**CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE A BUNCH OF MOANY NOOKSUCKERS SING AT A LITTLE PINE TREE I THINK.**

**EB: man, i've got to say i'm a little disappointed by this "masterful trolling" you were bragging about.**

**CG: I WAS BRAGGING?**

**CG: WHY WOULD I BOTHER WITH THAT SORT OF PEDANTIC HUMAN HORSESHIT.**

**CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT I WAS BRAGGING TO GET YOUR HOPES UP IN THE FUTURE.**

**CG: ONLY TO LET YOU DOWN.**

**CG: AND THUS TROLL YOU MASTERFULLY IN THAT RESPECT.**

**EB: maybe, but that would be pretty weak too!**

**CG: YOUR BRITTLE HUMAN CALCIUM BASED SKULL IS WHAT IS WEAK, AND IF YOU AND I WERE IN THE PROXIMITY OF A BLUNT INSTRUMENT I WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH TROUBLE PROVING IT.**

**EB: w/e.**

**EB: so what was the "case in point" you were making, anyway?**

**CG: I WAS SCROLLING BACK AND NOTICED YOU WERE IN THE VEIL.**

**EB: whoa, i am?**

**CG: YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU'RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR.**

**CG: AND YOU JUST CREATED YOUNGER VERSIONS OF YOURSELVES AND YOUR GUARDIANS.**

**CG: PROBABLY BY MUCKING AROUND WITH THAT THING LIKE A DOOFUS.**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: these are baby versions of us?**

**CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA, SO CLUELESS.**

**CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING THERE ANYWAY.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: i saw footage of my nanna, and some other people who i am pretty sure were like jade's grandpa and rose's mom and stuff from a long time ago.**

**EB: and then...**

**EB: there were all these little guys scurrying around.**

**EB: so they are like cloned copies of us?**

**CG: NO.**

**CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS.**

**CG: PARADOX CLONES.**

**EB: huh?**

**EB: what do you mean they are literally us?**

**EB: do they go back in time?**

**CG: YEAH, OBVIOUSLY. GREAT GUESS BRAIN HERO.**

**CG: BUT TECHNICALLY THEY AREN'T EVEN SENT BACK IN TIME BECAUSE WITH RESPECT TO THE MEDIUM YOUR UNIVERSE'S TIMELINE IS MEANINGLESS.**

**CG: SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD IT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT EARTH'S PAST OR FUTURE OR WHATEVER, FROM IT'S PERSPECTIVE IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF POINTS TO CHOOSE FROM.**

**CG: JUST LIKE YOUR CHRONOLOGY IS FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE.**

**CG: BUT I GUESS THAT'S A BUNCH OF SEMANTICS. WITH RESPECT TO YOUR PERSONAL CHRONOLOGY YEAH THEY GO BACK IN TIME.**

**CG: A PARADOX CLONE IS BY DEFINITION A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED.**

**CG: IF IT'S A MALFORMED CLONE, IT'S JUST A MEANINGLESS MUTANT THAT HAS NO BEARING ON THE STABLE LOOP CONTINUUM.**

**CG: I DON'T SEE ANY TENTACLES OR EXTRA EYEBALLS OR WARPED BONE BULGES, SO THOSE GROSS LITTLE THINGS THERE ARE ALL YOU GUYS, WAITING TO GO TO EARTH AND GROW UP AND BECOME THE INSIPID BUNCH OF GRUBFISTED DOUCHEBAGS YOU ALL ARE NOW.**

**CG: AND THIS WAS THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.**

**EB: what is the riddle anyway?**

**EB: maybe i can guess, i am good at riddles!**

**CG: HAHAHA, THINK AGAIN IGNORAMUS.**

**CG: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GREAT.**

**CG: OR EVEN MUCH OF A RIDDLE AT ALL.**

**CG: IN THE COURSE OF YOUR ADVENTURE YOU WOULD HAVE ENCOUNTERED ALL THESE FRAGMENTS OF LIKE WEIRD POEMS AND SHIT.**

**CG: YOU FIND THEM ALONG YOUR QUESTS, WITH CLUES AND STUFF BURIED IN THEM TO HELP YOU SOLVE PUZZLES AND MOVE HUGE STONE COLUMNS AND MAKE STAIRCASES APPEAR AND LOTS OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT.**

**CG: AND IT'S ALL MASKED IN THIS FLOWERY SORT OF FROTHY POETIC JACKASSERY THAT NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT.**

**CG: AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T CARE ABOUT SPOILING IT FOR YOU.**

**CG: BUT WHAT ALL THESE LOFTY SYMBOLIC ALLUSIONS BOIL DOWN TO IS SOME GRANDER STATEMENT ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE HAPPENING HERE.**

**CG: THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS THE KEY TO SEEDING YOUR OWN EXISTENCE THROUGH THIS GAME.**

**CG: AND ANY HOPE THAT IT COULD HAVE PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY OR THAT YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS WHOLE MESS WAS ALWAYS JUST A RUSE.**

**EB: a distaction, perhaps?**

**CG: WHAT?**

**EB: nevermind.**

**CG: BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T GO DOWN THIS WAY THEN HOW WERE YOU EVEN BORN, GET IT.**

**CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE.**

**CG: REALLY THERE'S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.**

**CG: ACTUALLY IT'S SORT OF HILARIOUS.**

**CG: OR IT WOULD BE IF IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME PERSONALLY.**

**CG: BUT ANYWAY, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE RIDDLE THAN JUST THAT, LIKE WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT LAST TIME WE TALKED.**

**CG: BUT THAT'S SORT OF THE GIST OF THE THEMES IT DEALS WITH.**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: well, if i run into some salamanders who tell me all about this riddle and get really excited about it, i will try to act surprised.**

**EB: so this is the same kind of thing you went through?**

**EB: with, like, being your own paradox clones and creating your own parents and stuff?**

**CG: YEAH.**

**EB: how did that even work, with 12 of you?**

**CG: IT WAS REALLY FUCKING COMPLICATED AND I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO IT.**

**CG: OUR FAMILY STRUCTURES ARE ALREADY WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOURS WITHOUT EVEN GETTING SPOOKY TIME SLIME INVOLVED.**

**CG: BASICALLY WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WHATSOEVER.**

**CG: EXCEPT MAYBE THIS...**

**CG: I WAS THE GUY IN YOUR POSITION, TO MAKE ALL THESE CLONES, AND FRANKLY IT ALL KIND OF FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT.**

**EB: huh...**

**EB: yeah, i guess now that you mention it, i am finding it all a little strange...**

**CG: OH, ONLY JUST NOW?**

**CG: FUCK YOU ARE FAST, I HOPE YOU GOT THE MAD BOONBUCKS TO PAY OFF THOSE SPEEDING TICKETS.**

**EB: no, no, i mean the ghost stuff and paradoxes are one thing of course...**

**EB: it's something else.**

**EB: it's just...**

**EB: this is really weird...**

**CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.**

**EB: well, normally humans hatch...**

**EB: from like these slimy pods.**

**EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.**

**CG: OH REALLY.**

**CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.**

**EB: (hehehehehehehe)**

**CG: MAYBE THOSE REALLY ARE MUTANT CLONES AND THEY AREN'T GOING BACK TO SEED YOUR PLANET?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: sure...?**

**CG: HELL, I'M CONFUSED NOW.**

**CG: NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR POINTLESS AWFUL LIVES.**

**EB: hey, i have an idea.**

**EB: why don't you get back to me in a few minutes?**

**EB: i mean like a few minutes of my time, not yours.**

**EB: all of these little pink monkeys are getting way out of line and i have to tend to them.**

**EB: if you message me in a couple minutes, we can continue conversing in a sane, linear fashion for a change!**

**CG: UM, OK?**

**EB: and then after that you can keep going backwards and then make fun of me riding my little red rocket.**

**EB: you can tell me i look like a silly little paradox clone fresh out of my slime tube and this is just all a big nurseytime recess jamboree.**

**EB: that would burn me good!**

**CG: OK THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.**

**CG: BUT I CAN'T USE IT, BECAUSE YOU SAID IT, AND THEN LATER, I.E. RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU WERE THE ONE TO COME UP WITH THAT BURN.**

**CG: SEE, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PRO, YOU CAN'T OUT TROLL ME SO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND STOP TRYING.**

**EB: (hehehehehehehehehehehe)**

John looked at the little pink monkeys, who were scrambling all over the place. They appeared to be preoccupied by some of the objects littered around the lab. At least it was keeping them busy.

One of the Striders was asleep on Lil' Cal. Paradox Grandpa Harley wielded a couple of pistols and the other Strider was sitting on Maplehoof's back.

**CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER.**

**CG: LOOK HOW SANE AND LINEAR WE ARE BEING.**

**EB: yeah!**

**CG: OK AWESOME, NOW FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE.**

**EB: wait!**

**CG: WHAT.**

**EB: i was just looking at all these rascals, and i was wondering...**

**EB: how they go back in time and become us and stuff.**

**EB: does it have something to do with the reckoning?**

**CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.**

**EB: you told me.**

**EB: we had this great dare going.**

**EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative.**

**EB: and you totally lost, dude!**

**EB: you were hella helpful.**

**CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE.**

**CG: WHAT IS A DARE ANYWAY, IT'S NOTHING.**

**CG: SOMEONE SAYS DO SOMETHING AND THEN, OH LAUGH LAUGH, YOU LOSE IF YOU DON'T DO IT.**

**CG: THAT ISN'T ANYTHING THAT DESERVES A WORD.**

**CG: WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR DARE IN OUR LANGUAGE.**

**CG: THE CLOSEST APPROXIMATION WOULD BE "WORTHLESS FUCKING BULLSHIT WASTE OF TIME FOR SILLY LITTLE CHILDREN"**

**EB: oh, wow.**

**EB: is that the title of a movie too?**

**CG: YES, IT'S THE TITLE OF EVERY DUMB MOVIE YOU EVER LIKED.**

**EB: ha ha, that isn't even true and doesn't make sense!**

**CG: ANYWAY, HOW COULD WE HAVE MADE A DARE IF I'M MOVING BACKWARDS ON YOUR TIMELINE.**

**CG: YOU WOULD DARE ME TO DO SOMETHING, THEN I WOULD DO IT NEXT TIME, BUT THEN YOU WOULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE DARE.**

**CG: BECAUSE WE DIDN'T MAKE IT YET.**

**CG: THAT'S WHAT ISN'T TRUE AND DOESN'T MAKE SENSE YOU DAMP BAG OF PUKE.**

**EB: well yeah, the dare never happened, i was joking around and made that up to give you hard time.**

**CG: YOU HAVE SOUNDING STUPID DOWN TO SUCH A SCIENCE.**

**CG: WHERE IS YOUR LAB COAT AND TEST TUBES DOCTOR BRAIN PROFESSOR?**

**EB: i am wearing a lab coat!**

**EB: sort of...**

**CG: YOU LOOK LIKE AN ELF.**

**EB: that's bullshit!**

**CG: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD BE BLOWING INTO A FUNNY LITTLE SHELL, AND LIMBERING UP FOR A SILLY COOKIE DANCE.**

**EB: do you even have elves?**

**CG: YES, LET'S COMPARE WHICH FANTASY CREATURES THAT DON'T EXIST WE BOTH DO OR DON'T NOT HAVE.**

**CG: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA, JOHN!**

**EB: uh, what?**

**CG: YOU ASKED ABOUT THE RECKONING, SO WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THAT INSTEAD OF ALL THESE PRETTY MUCH TERRIBLE THINGS.**

**EB: ok.**

**CG: YEAH, SO WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS HAPPENING, ALL THESE PARADOX CLONES GET SHIPPED OFF TO METEORS, FLUNG THROUGH SKAIAN DEFENSE PORTALS, AND SENT BACK TO EARTH.**

**CG: END OF STORY I GUESS.**

**CG: BYE.**

**EB: wait!**

**EB: so that means...**

**EB: we are all sort of like superman?**

**CG: UH YEAH, I GUESS.**

**EB: cool!**

**CG: YOU ALL TRACE THE MYTHOLOGICAL FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR BELOVED HUMAN SUPERMAN WHO'S REALLY JUST A MUSCULAR CAUCASIAN ALIEN.**

**CG: IT'S HILARIOUS HOW HUMANS WORSHIP HIM AS A PINNACLE OF HUMAN HEROISM AND VIRTUE BUT HE ISN'T EVEN HUMAN.**

**CG: ACTUALLY IT'S INCREDIBLY PATHETIC.**

**CG: BUT ALSO IN A WAY KIND OF ADMIRABLE.**

**CG: BECAUSE IT MEANS DEEP DOWN YOU ALL MUST REALIZE WHO YOUR DADDY IS.**

**CG: WE ARE, BITCHES.**

**EB: yeah, superman is pretty cool, i guess.**

**EB: did you know nicolas cage was almost going to play superman one time?**

**CG: OH MY THROBBING PHLEGM LOBE, WHO GIVES A BARFING FUCK ABOUT THAT.**

**CG: JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASSASSINATED MY PATIENCE.**

**CG: ADIOS LOSER.**

**EB: wait!**

**EB: get back to me in a couple minutes, ok?**

**CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ;**

**CG: FINE.**

**CG** performed a textbook facepalm x2 combo.


	44. Book 3 Chapter 12: SALT

Chapter 12: Sane and Linear Trolling

The Authority Regulator was ripping up so many hellacious shreds this fierceshitty biznasty was getting so deliriously rudebrazen it… Ok, he'd lost the handle on that sentence. Oh my god was that what he thought it was?

In front of AR was one of the meteors in The Veil. There was a frog temple civilization thing on it. So completely illegal.

How could this atrocity have been floating out here unnoticed all this time? He was going to throw whoever was responsible into the slammer. He always called jail the slammer when he was extra angry at crimes.

AR entered the illicit temple, gawking at the amphibious images depicted on the walls. There was a large elevator platform up ahead. AR descended on the platform and arrived in a dark, cavernous room. Near the platform was a time capsule. It had deployed a seed and was waiting for something to be deposited into it, as well as for the clock to be set. It was all harmless enough. Still no sign of any perpetrators.

He searched deeper into the darkness of the room. There he found some complicated lab equipment. Again, nothing particularly unusual for this jurisdiction. The terminal displayed an image of a small human girl in a fancy house. On the floor was a black-goo-covered fedora. The date was April 21, 1910.

Eight days prior, the orphan girl had been taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist. The man had recovered the young lady from a crater where a bakery had once stood, operated by the man's wife, a notable baked goods baroness. The humorist had long, flowing blonde hair and wore a suit with a bowtie and cape. He had a party hat on his head and a festival kazoo in his mouth.

Suddenly, there was an explosion in the colonel's backyard. "Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!" he shouted as the house shook.

The colonel and his new granddaughter left to investigate. The impact site was where a dog house had stood moments ago. It had been the magnificent abode of the man's beloved pet, Halley. Colonel Sassacre took a belt from his old julep flask. He'd sooner perish himself than lose that dear animal.

And then, when everyone least expected it, a bullet hit the colonel in the heart. People would think for years of come that reports of the man's death were greatly exaggerated, but they weren't. Paradox Grandpa Harley sat in the midst of the wreckage from the crater, holding two guns. One of them was still smoking. This was exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols. For the orphan girl, it was an old colonel lost, but a new brother gained. Jade's Grandpa climbed out of the crater in his diaper.

Ah ha, there was Halley! The youngsters adored their new guardian. Good dog. Best friend. The young boy had difficulty pronouncing the name though. It sounded more like Harley when he said it.

AR fast-forwarded through the timeline to a point 13 years later when the boy developed a taste for adventure. He and Halley bid farewell. His sister was sad. She'd be left all alone with the wicked pastry baroness.

"You can handle it," he told her. "I believe in you."

This all seemed pointless to AR, and immaterial to the crime that had been committed. Though he did find it odd that the Appearifier target had been fixed over that especially stupid-looking animal.

He heard the elevator platform moving. Someone was coming. It was a high ranking agent from Derse. Could this have been the man behind the crime? Could his intent have been mutinous? But he knew the agent was far too dangerous to take into custody, so he hid behind some lab equipment and observed.

The Draconian Dignitary appeared to be holding some notebooks, as well as a pair of juice-stained envelopes. Only one of the items was useful to him, though. The envelopes were useless, and he couldn't make it through more than a paragraph of the other book. Some weird thing about wizards. He discarded the envelopes and _Complacency of the Learned_. The book landed on the floor, but the envelopes landed in the seed. The time capsule stored the seed, and, on account of some default setting, was programmed to bloom 413 million years from now. The capsule then readied a new seed.

DD approached another device near the large monitor. It was hooked up to an Appearifier, which was hooked up to a glass tube. A small screen displayed the red cross hairs of the Appearification target locked on Halley.

John stood in the ectobiology lab, next to Dr. Spengler, Rose, and Rose's Mom. It looked like **CG** was messaging him again.

**CG: OK, I GOT BACK TO YOU.**

**CG: ARE YOU HAPPY.**

**EB: sure, i guess.**

**CG: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET.**

**CG: BUT YOU ARE ABOUT TO START PASSING OUT BUNNIES LIKE THEY'RE CHEAP CIGARS.**

**CG: IT'S GOING TO BE AN EMBARRASSING DISPLAY.**

**EB: what are you talking about?**

**CG: YEAH, EXACTLY, NUMSKULL.**

**CG: LET'S JUST HAVE OUR CHAT, THEN IT CAN NATURALLY OCCUR TO YOU TO BE AN IDIOT IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME.**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: i was sort of mulling it over while looking at all these babies with guns and sitting on ponies and things...**

**EB: and how the reckoning takes them back.**

**EB: and how you said our reckoning starts sooner.**

**CG: YEAH.**

**EB: are you sure it has to start so soon? can't we delay it?**

**CG: HAHAHAHA.**

**CG: IT STARTS IN A FEW MINUTES STUPID.**

**CG: SEE THAT COUNTDOWN CLOCK OVER THERE?**

**CG: YOU AREN'T DELAYING ANYTHING.**

**EB: oh... dang!**

**EB: i guess i better get off this meteor then!**

**CG: WELL I MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE.**

**CG: FIRST SOME SMALLER METEORS GO.**

**CG: THEN BIGGER ONES.**

**CG: SPREAD OUT OVER LIKE 24 HOURS OR SO.**

**CG: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE...**

**CG: GO TIME.**

**CG: WHEN IT STARTS.**

**CG: LIKE IT'S TIME TO HURRY UP AND STOP FUCKING AROUND AND KILL THE BOSS, GET IT?**

**CG: THE ROCK YOU'RE ON DOESN'T BLAST OFF RIGHT AWAY.**

**CG: TOO BAD, BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SPARED YOU FROM MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF IN A COUPLE MINUTES, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, SPARED ME FROM HAVING TO WATCH.**

**EB: ok, well you keep saying how doomed we are and how all this bad stuff happens sooner, but you never say why!**

**EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly?**

**CG: JACK NOIR.  
****EB: who is jack noir?**

**CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE. **

**CG: WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER. **

**CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE. **

**EB: so you didn't have him in your game?**

**CG: NO, WE DID. **

**CG: BUT HE WAS HARMLESS. **

**CG: ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF. **

**CG: HE SETTLED A GRUDGE AGAINST THE QUEEN BY HELPING US DETHRONE AND EXILE HER. **

**CG: AND THEN HE WOUND UP EXILED HIMSELF, AND SORT OF KEPT HELPING US THROUGH A COMMAND TERMINAL ON OUR OLD PLANET. **

**CG: HE'S KIND OF A HUGE ASSHOLE THOUGH. **

**CG: BUT BECAUSE HE TOOK THE QUEEN OUT OF THE PICTURE, WHEN WE GOT TO SKAIA WE ONLY HAD ONE MONARCH TO DEAL WITH INSTEAD OF TWO. **

**CG: OF COURSE IT WAS A NASTY GIANT 12X PROTOTYPED BLACK KING THAT TOOK FOREVER TO KILL, JUST BARELY IN TIME BEFORE THE BIGGEST METEORS CAME, BUT STILL. **

**EB: i see.**

**EB: so after he got exiled and all that, he came here into our game and caused all this trouble?**

**CG: NO, GOD. **

**CG: EGBERT YOU ARE THICKER THAN THAT HIDEOUS JOKE BOOK YOU WADDLE AROUND WITH. **

**CG: TRY TO THINK MORE ABSTRACTLY. **

**CG: THINK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. **

**CG: WHAT'S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY? **

**CG: NAME ONE. **

**EB: ummmm...**

**EB: crash bandicoot?**

**CG: OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT'S FINE, IT'S NOT THE POINT. **

**CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT. **

**CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS. **

**CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS. **

**CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT. **

**CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO. **

**CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES. **

**CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER. **

**CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING... **

**EB: like an ace?**

**CG: SURE OK. **

**EB: ok, i think i get it.**

**EB: but how did he do that? what was different about what we did versus what you did?**

**CG: FRANKLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ORIGINAL THING THAT TIPPED THE SCALE WAS. **

**CG: IT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION. **

**CG: BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. **

**CG: THE WORST IS YET TO COME. **

**CG: FOR YOU. **

**EB: oh no!**

**EB: what is the worst thing?**

**CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU. **

**EB: dammit!**

**EB: oh, hey...**

Baby Rose had begun tugging on John's pants.

**EB: sorry, hold on, this little lady is bugging me about something.**

**CG: YEAH YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND GIVE HER THE LOUSY RABBIT ALREADY. **

**EB: oh!**

**EB: oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect.**

**EB: a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect.**

**CG: PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES? **

**CG: OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES. **

**EB: it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer.**

**CG: FUCK. **

**EB: i wish i had a filthy wifebeater on, oh well.**

**CG: JUST... **

**CG: AUGH.**

The Lalonde ladies and Dr. Spengler watched as John pulled the oily con air bunny from his sylladex. He envisioned himself being Cameron Poe as he handed the bunny to the young Rose. Rose backed up a bit and shook her head, just like in the movie, but John gave it to her, tears welling in his eyes.

**CG **watched annoyedly on his computer. Just great. This was just what he needed. Another dumb movie reenactment.

Young Jade looked up at John innocently and the boy looked down at her cute little face. He couldn't bear it! He handed her the other bunny, the patchwork one Rose had given him for his birthday.

**CG **faceplanted his head into his computer and bonked himself on the head multiple times.

A badly drawn plane crashed down into the guitar logo of a Hard Rock Cafe while one of the mysterious arms coming from a blue portal floated in mid-air. The Con Air poster was different. Nick Cage was John Egbert. John Cusack was Dave Strider. They both wore grim expressions. Malkovich was **CG** with his gray skin and a derpy expression on his face. This was real. So real.

And thus Hussie ended Act 4 and proceeded to Act 5, the Homestuck epilogue… Psyche! Actually, it'll be another chapter or so.

Dave stood with on the toilet, hands covered in his own blood.

**GC: D4V3 WH4TS 1T SM3LL L1K3**

**TG: what**

**GC: YOUR BLOOD**

**TG: fuck off**

**GC: D4V3**

**GC: G1V3 1T 4 L1TTL3 T4ST3 FOR M3**

**GC: T3LL M3 WH4T HUM4N BLOOD T4ST3S L1K3**

**GC: 1V3 B33N SO CUR1OUS :]**

**TG: youre the annoying blind one arent you**

**GC: Y34H**

**TG: dave told me about you**

**GC: GOD**

**GC: TOO M4NY D4V3S**

**GC: 1TS L1K3 TH1S B1G 4SSHOL3 4ND COOL GUY P4RTY**

**GC: BUT SOM3ON3 FORGOT TO 1NV1T3 4LL TH3 COOL GUYS**

**GC: ;]**

**TG: man im telling you burns like that are unreal**

**TG: where do you even get a burn thats that sick**

**GC: I B3T YOU C4NT W41T TO B3 4 US3L3SS P13C3 OF SH1T 4LL D4Y 4ND F4LL DOWN 4LL TH3S3 BURNS**

**TG: no you messed that up**

**GC: D4V3 D4V3**

**GC: 1S TH1S YOU**

**GC: **** /PUR3D4V3**

**TG: uh**

**GC: PFF4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3**

**TG: did you try to draw shades on his face and miss**

**TG: whats even the point hes already wearing shades**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: 1TS SO P3RF3CT TH4T 1S SO YOU**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H**

**TG: this is moronic**

**GC: D4V3 T3LL M3 WH4T YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS L1K3**

**GC: OR 1LL M4K3 4NOTH3R ON3**

**GC: 4ND 1 KNOW TH3S3 HURT YOUR F33L1NGS**

**GC: :D**

**TG: i dont know what it smells like or tastes like**

**TG: but i sure as hell know what it looks like**

**TG: like a fuckin symphony on my retinas**

**TG: shit is beautiful like a little vermilion picnic on my hands**

**TG: every day i open my eyes i find poetry in even the simplest things**

**TG: just one of those little joys in life you take for granted you know**

**TG: this miraculous gift of vision**

**GC: D4V3 D4V3**

**GC: CH3CK 1T OUT**

**GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT**

**GC: TH1S H4S GOT TO B3 YOU!**

**GC: **** /TH1S1SSOOOOD4V3**

**GC: 444444444H4H4HH4H4H4H44H444H4HH4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H33H3H3H3H34H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**TG: i could give myself a hernia trying to be as big a douche as that guy**

**TG: i could try but it would wind up like a motorcycle stunt gone horribly wrong**

**TG: my broken body would flop and tumble around like a rag doll**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4HH4H4H4H4H4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H**

**GC: OH GOD 1 C4NT BR34TH3!**

**TG: and yet as much as that guys the tooliest dude i could ever hope to meet he and i would still get along famously**

**TG: cause we can both see**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H333H3H3H3H3H**

**GC: H4H4H44H4H4H**

**TG: just him and me**

**TG: havin a see party**

**TG: like a couple of eagle eyed bros peepin shit up into the wee hours**

**GC: D4V3**

**GC: C4N 1 COM3 TO YOUR S33 P4RTY?**

**TG: i guess but youll have to be careful not to stumble around bumping into all the gorgeous masterpieces hanging around everywhere**

**TG: god so beautiful to look at with my perfect eyesight**

**GC: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS?**

**TG: yeah thats fine**


	45. Book 3 Chapter 13: EOA4

Chapter 13: End of Act 5 (EOA5)

**- adiosToreador ** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **- **

**AT: jADE, hI, iS YOUR ROBOT NEARBY,**

**GG: ummmmmm...**

**AT: wHERE YOU CAN TYPE, bECAUSE YOU ARE ASLEEP,**

**GG: oh! yes it appears so!**

**AT: oK, uHH, iN THAT CASE, aRE YOU HAVING A PLEASANT NAP,**

**GG: i guess! ive been pretty busy here**

**GG: ive had to stay asleep for a long time because john is supposed to wake up soon**

**GG: but he just wont wake up!**

**GG: im pretty sure im supposed to be the one to wake him but i dont know what to do :(**

**AT: uHHHHH,**

**GG: huh?**

**AT: oHH, sORRY,**

**AT: i WAS LOOKING TO SEE IF i COULD SEE HIM BE AWAKE IN THE FUTURE,**

**AT: bUT i CANT SEE IN HIS DREAMS, oR ANYTHING,**

**GG: oh...**

**GG: well thanks for trying anyway!**

**AT: bUT YOU WILL WAKE UP SOON, iT LOOKS LIKE,**

**AT: sO MAYBE THIS MEANS YOU HAVE SUCCESS,**

**GG: i hope so!**

**GG: what am i doing when i wake up?**

**AT: oH, gOODNESS, tHERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON, aND THERE IS A LOT OF TROUBLE THAT YOU ARE IN,**

**GG: oh no!**

**AT: bUT, wHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS, iS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME ANYWAY,**

**AT: tHIS IS YOUR LAST DAY,**

**AT: bEFORE YOU MAKE THE RIFT,**

**AT: aND THEN i CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT, aNYMORE,**

**AT: wHICH IS OK, wITH ME, bECAUSE, tO BE HONEST,**

**AT: sEEING YOUR WHOLE BIG CONFUSING FUTURE AND PAST IS, kIND OF OVERWHELMING,**

**GG: yes i know what you mean...**

**AT: iTS SO COMPLICATED, aND, i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT i SHOULD BE ACCOMPLISHING,**

**AT: i THINK,**

**AT: uSING THESE GADGETS AND THINGS, aND MY TIME LINE ADVANTAGES, tO PLAY PRANKS ON YOU,**

**GG: that sounds like it would be fun!**

**GG: but you guys never even played pranks on me, you were always just kinda mean D:**

**AT: sORRY, }:(**

**AT: i THINK,**

**AT: tHE IDIOTIC THING ABOUT TROLLIAN IS,**

**AT: iF YOU USE IT TO TROLL PEOPLE, i THINK YOU ARE JUST AS LIKELY TO GET TROLLED YOURSELF,**

**AT: mAYBE EVEN MORE BADLY,**

**AT: wHICH i THINK IS WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, jUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,**

**GG: well i know i havent trolled you guys!**

**GG: or not yet...**

**GG: heheheh**

**AT: nO,**

**AT: bUT YOU SORT OF ARE,**

**AT: mY FRIEND IS GOING CRAZY, hE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU,**

**AT: hE LEFT YOU A MESSAGE, a LONG TIME AGO ON YOUR TIME LINE,**

**AT: tO TALK TO HIM, wHEN YOUR ROBOT BLOWS UP,**

**GG: oh yeah!**

**GG: i totally forgot about that**

**GG: does it really blow up or was that another trick?**

**AT: uHHHH,**

**AT: i DON'T KNOW, i CAN'T SEE IT BLOW UP IN YOUR FUTURE,**

**AT: nOT ON SCREEN,**

**AT: i MEAN,**

**AT: tHERE ARE LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS, aLL THE TIME, aNYWAY,**

**AT: tOO MANY EXPLOSIONS,**

**GG: hmmmmm**

**GG: you could ask me in the future!**

**AT: oK, i WILL ASK,**

**AT: oK,**

**AT: yOU SAID, yES, iT DID BLOW UP, aND YOU TALKED TO HIM,**

**AT: aND, uHHH,**

**AT: tHEN YOU SAID HE WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY NICE GUY, wHICH i THOUGHT WAS WEIRD,**

**GG: is he not a nice guy?**

**AT: nOT, rEALLY,**

**GG: hmmm...**

**GG: well maybe hes just been through some tough times**

**GG: maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt?**

**AT: uHHHH,**

**GG: for whatever its worth i think youre a pretty nice guy too!**

**AT: oKAY, tHANK YOU,**

**GG: also you seem to be the only one who ever thinks to talk to me while im asleep!**

**GG: why is that?**

**AT: oH, i GUESS,**

**AT: tHAT IT MAKES SENSE,**

**AT: bECAUSE YOU HAVE A ROBOT, tO LET YOU SAY THINGS THAT HAPPEN, oN PROSPIT,**

**AT: aND i'M CURIOUS,**

**AT: bECAUSE THE ONLY TIME i EVER HAD FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WAS WHEN i WAS ASLEEP,**

**AT: bUT NOW ALL OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD,**

**AT: }:'(**

**GG: oh no!**

**GG: dream selves can die?**

**AT: yEAH,**

**GG: i never knew that**

**GG: or even thought about it...**

**GG: i guess it makes sense though**

**AT: uHH, yEAH,**

**AT: sO ENJOY YOUR NAP,**

**AT: wHILE IT LASTS,**

**AT: bYE,**

**AT** envisioned himself leaping through the skies of Prospit again, like he had before his dream self had died. Those had been the days.

**- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**GA: Hello Again**

**GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time**

**GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be**

**TT: Pardon?**

**GA: Furthermore Which Rose Have You Chosen To Be This Time**

**GA: The Stupid Rose Or The Smart Rose**

**TT: I'm a little busy.**

**GA: It Sounds Like You Are Attempting To Be The Smart Rose This Time**

**GA: Please Take Note Of The Subtle Scorn Underlying The Selection Of The Word Attempting**

**GA: Smart Rose Should Get A Kick Out Of That**

**GA: Smart Rose Is All About Subtle Scorn Isnt She**

**TT: That sounds about right.**

**GA: Whereas Dumb Rose Doesn't Capitalize Letters Even When Discussing The Proper Names Of Human Monsters In Earth Cinema**

**GA: I Think You Should Establish A Greater Commitment To A Single Roleplaying Scenario**

**TT: Honestly, I was looking forward to playing along and reading your Dumb Rose script for our next conversation.**

**TT: But it turned out there was a perfectly logical explanation for it all.**

**TT: Imagine my disappointment.**

**TT: While I imagine yours, once you finally catch on.**

**GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything**

**GA: What Are You Talking About**

**TT: I'd love to explain in detail and cause some sort of time paradox.**

**TT: But you see - and this revelation may be as startling as any -**

**TT: I'm a little busy.**

**GA: I Believe I Understand**

**GA: It Was I Who Did Something To Provoke Your Scorn In A Previous Conversation**

**GA: One Which I Have Not Had Yet**

**TT: Yes, that is definitely a conclusion you have just now drawn.**

**TT: The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding.**

**TT: And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose.**

**TT: Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned?**

**TT: I'm busy.**

**TT: Goodbye.**

**GA: Fine**

**GC: D4V3 D4V3**

**GC: 1 F1N4LLY GOT 1T**

**TG: oh hell**

**GC: 1 F1N4LLY F1GUR3D 1T OUT**

**GC: ONC3 4ND FOR 4LL**

**GC: TH1S 1S YOU!**

**GC: **** /D4V34NDBRO43V3R**

**GC: FFFF444444444444H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**TG: that**

**TG: ok thats pretty amazing**

**GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4**

**GC: OH GOD 1T 1S SO P3RF3CT**

**GC: JUST 4 COOL DUD3 4ND H1S BRO R1GHT TH3R3**

**GC: 4DV3NTUR1NG THROUGH T1M3**

**GC: 4ND PL4Y1NG P1NB4LL**

**GC: 1N BRO H34V3N TOG3TH3R**

**GC: T3LL M3 TH4T 1SNT SO FUCK1NG P3RF3CT**

**GC: 8]**

**TG: hey speaking of which**

**TG: where is my bro anyway**

**TG: havent seen him at all since i got here**

**TG: davesprite doesnt know**

**TG: you can see everything that goes on right**

**TG: or like smell it or whatever**

**TG: how does that even work**

**TG: how do you use a computer and know whats going on it doesnt make sense**

**TG: my face doesnt make sense**

**GC: D4V3 YOUR *F4C3* DO3SNT M4K3 ...**

**GC: D4MM1T**

**TG: hahaha**

**GC: BUT 4CTU4LLY YOUR F4C3 *DO3S* M4K3 S3NS3**

**GC: TO MY NOS3**

**GC: 4ND MY TONGU3 :P**

**TG: ew**

**GC: 1M SORRY D4V3 TH4T YOU W1LL N3V3R 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S3NSORY BOUQU3T TH4T 1 3NJOY 3V3RY D4Y**

**GC: TH4T 1 3NSCONC3 MYS3LF 1N L1K3 4 W4RM 4ND COMFY B4THROB3 M4D3 OF FL4VOR 4ND M3LODY**

**TG: oh ok**

**TG: so the dumbest and most far fetched explanation imaginable ok got it**

**GC: 4NYW4Y 1 DONT KNOW WH3R3 YOUR BRO 1S**

**GC: 4S F4R 4S 1 C4N T3LL YOU N3V3R S33 H1M 4G41N B3TW33N NOW 4ND TH3 R1FT**

**GC: TOO B4D H3 WONT BE 4ROUND TO B41L YOU OUT 4G41N L1K3 H3 D1D WH3N YOU 3NT3R3D!**

**TG: man dont remind me about that**

**TG: so embarrassing**

**GC: 1TS OK 1 WONT T3LL JOHN 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: 1 KNOW TH4TS WH4T YOUR3 WORR13D 4BOUT**

**TG: ok cool**

**GC: BUT LOOK YOU DONT N33D TO B3 UPS3T 4BOUT NOT H4V1NG YOUR BRO TO L34N ON 4NYMOR3**

**TG: whos upset**

**TG: bout time the dude gave me a little space**

**GC: BLUH OK WH4T3V3R YOU S4Y BUT TH4TS NOT TH3 PO1NT**

**GC: TH3 PO1NT 1S 1 W1LL H3LP YOU 1NST34D D4V3**

**GC: 1S TH4T COOL :]**

**TG: i guess**

**GC: 1 KNOW 3V3RYTH1NG TH4TS GO1NG TO H4PP3N TO YOU**

**GC: 1 C4N T3LL YOU B3FOR3 1T H4PP3NS**

**GC: SO YOU C4N B3 R34DY**

**GC: 4ND NOT H4V3 TO GO B4CK 1N T1M3 4ND G3T K1LL3D 4LL TH3 T1M3**

**GC: 4ND ST4ND ON 4 TO1L3T LOOK1NG 4T YOUR OWN BLOOD FOR T3N M1NUT3S**

**TG: alright so whats next**

**GC: F1RST YOU GO THROUGH TH3 G4T3**

**GC: 4ND WH3N YOU GO THROUGH YOU W1LL GO TO 4NOTHER PL4C3 1N YOUR W1LD CH3RRY L4V4 L4ND**

**GC: 4ND YOU W1LL QU1CKLY M33T SOM3 FR13NDLY CROCOD1L3S**

**GC: TH3Y W1LL TRY TO 34T YOU**

**GC: BUT TH4T 1S JUST TH31R W4Y OF B31NG FR13NDLY!**

**GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 SC4R3D**

**TG: why would i be scared**

**GC: D4V3 PL34S3**

**GC: YOU 4R3 CRY1NG L1K3 4 L1TTL3 BOY**

**GC: 1TS 1S H4PP3N1NG R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF MY NOS3**

**GC: YOUR T34RS T4ST3 D3L1C1OUS**

**GC: K1ND OF L1K3**

**GC: L1K3 SOM3TH1NG YOU WOULDNT KNOW 4BOUT**

**GC: 4 TROLL D3L1C4CY C4LL3D COTTON C4NDY**

**TG: we have cotton candy dumpass**

**GC: 8O**

Dave struggled to climb to the top of the spire on his rooftop. He finally made it with seconds to go before the meteor touched down. He had to enter the Medium soon. He reached for the egg, but his bird sprite thing pecked at him and knocked him off the spire altogether. Most of the items that had made up the nest tumbled down with him. And so did the egg.

But there was someone else present. Bro Strider stood on top of the meteor, wielding his unbreakable katana. He slashed the meteor into two halves and the halves went sailing off into the distance. Dave landed on Bro's rocket board and managed to grab the egg before the explosion knocked him into oblivion. That was when he had entered the Medium.

Now he held the Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete and looked up towards the gate floating above his house. Giclopses and basilisks surrounded the area. He had to go up there. He was ready. He gripped the sword tighter in his hand.

In the meantime, on Grandpa Harley's starship, John's Dad and Rose's Mom stood side by side, holding hands and looking out towards Skaia. Rose's Mom held a gun. John's Dad held a cake. They were ready to descend.

Jack Noir walked across the Battlefield and raised his sword against the giant carapacian army. Finally all of the small carapacian foot soldiers lay dead. The Warweary Villein stepped back in shock and accidentally slid down the hill he'd been standing on, landing in front of Jack. Jack didn't notice him in particular, however.

The Archagent raised his ringed hand and large stringy red strands came from it. The Red Miles. He slew a lumbering white warrior, a bishop perhaps, and then a black rook.

John stood in the ectobiology lab, overseeing the eight kids. A countdown to The Reckoning showed only seconds to go. And suddenly, all the kids were transportalized onto random meteors throughout The Veil.

In the present, the Battlefield crumbled to pieces as the Red Miles pervaded the entire area, smashing the ground and destroying flying ships, purple and yellow alike. Five carapacians stood on foot before him with guns, but Jack slew them all.

And then the Courtyard Droll appeared with the White King's staff. He raised it into the air and began The Reckoning. Meteors began to rain on Skaia.

Elsewhere, the Draconian Dignitary inserted MEOW into a slot in the ectobiology machine. He pressed the large blue button and a paradox clone of Halley was created, but this time infused with green, crackling energy. The Authority Regulator watched this in surprise.

And then, suddenly, the newly born Becquerel shifted the narrative to Jade.

Jade was still in bed when The Reckoning began. Her dream self floated up the long ramp to her tower on Prospit's moon when she saw the meteors beginning to rain down on Skaia.

Somewhere else on Prospit, the Queen and a few of her loyal followers watched as a Prospitian eclipse began.

A shadow flew over the golden planet. Jack Noir. The black carapacian used his Red Miles to attack Prospit, killing hundreds of innocent carapacians. But Jack wasn't done with the ruined, bloody planet just yet. He slashed through the chain that connected Prospit's moon to the planet itself, sending the moon tumbling down straight into Skaia's gravitational field.

Jack proceeded to the Land of Heat and Clockwork to where Bro Strider stood on the center of a large rotating disk plateau. He landed across from the boy and they began to strife, Bro with his unbreakable katana and Jack with his Regisword.

But instead of stabbing Jack with the katana, Bro Strider stuck it in the disk, creating a large crack in the plateau.

Suddenly, Becquerel shifted the narrative to a random video game.

Squiddles! The Video Game! The squiddles flew around, fighting their mortal enemy, Skipper Plumbthroat (in the show he eventually one and killed all of the Squiddles and in the movie he also killed off all the unicorns). All of the squiddles congregated onto him and he…

Becquerel's silhouette appeared and shifted the narrative again.

Prospit's moon fell apart as it entered the Skaian atmosphere, burning up. Dream John was dumped out of his tower along with an imp doll and his bedsheet.

Dream Jade leaped out of her tower towards the falling John. He was still asleep. The moon got closer and closer to the destroyed Battlefield as Jade shook the sleeping John. She smacked him back and forth across the face. The moon got closer to the planet. Frustrated and out of options, Jade pushed John out of the way and watched as the moon got closer and closer to her.

Back on Hellmurder Island, Jade's dreambot stood on the roof of her side tower. It started to go haywire and finally exploded, launching Jade, some squiddles, and a couple of manthro chaps out of her room.

Finally, John woke up and looked at the giant crater in the side of Skaia that the moon had produced. As he watched, a bunch of green spirographic gates popped up all around the planet. All of the meteors, some of which had the ectobiological children on them, were sucked into the gates and dispersed into random times throughout the past. One of the meteors brought Nannaquin to Colonel Sassacre's house. Another one smashed into a craggy landscape, creating a crater in an island. Jade's island. In a sense, The Reckoning had actually caused _itself_ to happen in the first place.

Becquerel changed the scene again.

Rose stabbed an ogre through the skull and climbed to the top of her house. So had Dave made it to the top. They both leaped through at the same time.

Sometime in the past, one of the meteors from The Reckoning smashed down into John's house. The End.

==================================================================================  
[ZZZZ] Rose: Egress.

This is my final entry.

My co-players and I have made every earnest attempt, with occasional relapse, to  
play this game the right way. I have been meticulous in documenting the process to  
help our peers and successors through the trials should we fail. In my hubris I  
believed these classes were relegated to the Earth-bound, but in even this quaint  
supposition I was in error. Our otherworldly antagonists have assured us of our  
inevitable failure repeatedly, while the gods whisper corroboration in my sleep. I  
believe them now.

I just blew up my first gate. I'm not sure why I did it, really.

I am not playing by the rules anymore. I will fly around this candy-coated rock and  
comb the white sand until I find answers. No one can tell me our fate can't be  
repaired. We've come too far. I jumped out of the way of a burning fucking tree,  
for God's sake.

I have used a spell to rip this walkthrough from Earth's decaying networks, and  
sealed it in one of the servers floating in the Furthest Ring. The gods may  
disperse the signal throughout the cosmos as they wish. Perhaps it will be of use  
to past or future species who like us have been ensnared by Skaia's malevolent  
tendrils.

In case it wasn't clear, magic is real.

Pardon my egress. You're on your own now.

-RL

Beneath the page, the website degraded into an image of the Furthest Ring. Some kind of remote control with the crescent moon symbol of Derse sat at the very bottom of the page.

Hours in the future, the warweary called another planet home, another cloth his garb. He stood on the demolished earth, wrapped in some mysterious bed sheets that had fallen from Prospit's moon when it had fallen. Land and rags fit for the wayward. A villein became a vagabond.

The recent past was recalled… a Battlefield. Blood and dead bodies surround WV, covering the chessboard ground. An accursed mascot, an imp doll, was located among fallen brethren. Its visage, reviled.

He ripped the doll apart in disgust. John's bed sheet, a rag of souls, drifted from the heavens above. It's owner, to WV, a mystery.

A boy wearing golden attire stood on the Battlefield. He'd found a dead friend. Her ring, recovered.

The boy saw himself in the future in one of the clouds. His destination, revealed.

Hours in the future, a mistress became a mendicant. She stood on the ruined planet known as Earth.

The recent past was recalled… a Battlefield. She'd slain HB with her regisword. A communication device was borrowed. A rendezvous with Noir, arranged.

The Sovereign Slayer had been summoned. PM held up the crowns. The collateral, presented.

SS snapped his fingers and the Courtyard Droll was beckoned. The bargain, honored.

The boy discovered his destination, the Prospitian castle. PM held up Jade's package. His courier's path, crossed.

The mail was delivered. An obligation, satisfied.

They boy sat against one of the Battlefield's endless but now destroyed hills. The package was opened. Letters, read.

**John! **

**From what i heartell youve been through a bit of an adventure by the time youre reading this. Thats so great. I love adventure and i would bet my bottom boonbuck you do too. I think we are birds of a feather john. I am pretty eager to meet you. Oh yeah i should have mentioned we are going to meet some day. I hear you like movies is that right john? I love movies too. Have you ever seen weekend at bernies? So friggin hilarious. Its hard to talk to jade about movies because she doesnt really know about movies but im sure you know that. Boooring. Ha ha just kidding jade you know i love you and i think youre a blast. **

**Okay speaking of jade we spent quite a long time working on this present for you. It was a big team effort. Okay i had to do quite a lot of arm twisting to get her to go along with helping me make such an oddball present for you and so well in advance. But i had my arm sort of twisted myself to get this going in the first place. But then she came around to the idea because she can see the future! Pretty amazing if you ask me. Itll all be clear later. Gadzooks with all this arm twisting ive been getting a good workout. We should wrestle when we meet john. I love to wrestle but i dont get a chance to wrestle with anyone that much. Do you like to get into fisticuffs john? Scrums and what not? Me too. **

**Anyway you should listen to jade from here on out john because she sure seems to know whats best for you. Whatever your adventure throws at you im sure shell tell you you can handle it. She believes in you.**

**Oh kicking christ in a dirty diaper i almost forgot to mention whats in this box. Sorry this shits so small. Contents:**

**-Royal Deringer**

**-Quills of Echidna**

**-Ahab's Crosshairs**

**-Warhammer of Zillyhoo**

**I hope you...**

John stopped reading and looked at the other letter. This one was by a different author…

**dear john, **

**happy birthday! :D **

**even though its super late and you probably went through a lot of trouble to get it, i really hope this present cheers you up! you looked so sad while you were reading my letter. um... which is to say, the one you are reading now. i can explain! **

**you see, when i go to sleep, in my dreams i wake up on the moon of a planet called prospit. by now you must know about this place! i have lived there in my dreams most of my life and i made so many friends there over the years. and you were there too! but you were asleep. the fact that you are awake now i think means all my friends are in trouble. you are awake because it is your job to help them. we will both help them! **

**but ummm... i know these things because while i was on the moon, whenever it passed through skaia i could see lots of things in the clouds. the past, the future, stuff about our friends, and stuff about you! now that you are awake, and apparently at the center of skaia (? WOW!) you should be able to see stuff in the clouds too. maybe you already have! **

**about this present! my penpal helped me work on it. he included a letter too! hes really funny and silly, i like him a lot and i think you would too. it took a long time between the two of us. and sure the present looks like a fun and completely ridiculous thing to get, but it is also really important! you are getting it exactly when you need it most. maybe thats hard to believe but its true! i saw it happen already. i dont see everything john, and i definitely dont know everything thats going to happen. but when i do know something, i always try to do my best to help people in the future! when im supposed to that is. youll get the hang of it. **

**john i am REALLY looking forward to seeing you when you wake up! its been nice playing with my prospitian friends and all, but also kind of lonely knowing you were in the other tower sleeping and having lousy dreams. :( im not sure where i am when you are reading this but im sure ill make it down to where you are soon! (jeez how did you get down there? oh well ill find out) i cant wait to fly around the moon with you and show you all my favorite places. itll be so much fun! :D **

**3 **

**jade**

A tear dropped from John's eye as he realized that nothing in the second paragraph would ever happen now that Dream Jade was dead.

Suddenly, a sword appeared at his head. The boy's grief interrupted. His ring, sought.

But a bunny climbed out of the box. It was a robotic masterpiece, complete with different colored eyes, one green and the other red, and Jade's blue atom logo on its metal chestplate. It wielded four weapons. The toy had turned on Jack. It had a new master now. The tactician, a misstep.

Check, but hopefully for Jack, not mate.

Hours in the future, a regulator became a renegade, wrapping himself up in caution tape.

The recent past was recalled. A temple was fled. And soon, revisited.

A nearby laboratory was where AR flew to on the rocket board next. Its satellites, dispatched.

Inside the laboratory, a sleeping boy in a junior ectobiologist suit was found. Rumbling began, ominous.

The lab was in flight. Its exits, inoperative.

AR strapped John to the rocket board with caution tape. A citizen's safety, secured.

The bunny watched as Jack disappeared into the sky and Grandpa Harley appeared in it. A tyrant was retreating. A battleship, landing.

Grandpa Harley stepped off the ship and picked up his dead granddaughter from the wreckage of Prospit's moon. Rose's Mom and John's Dad stepped off as well and waved goodbye as Grandpa Harley took off in the battleship with his daughter in his arms. A grandfather mourned. He filled her with stuffing and put her on a plaque. A family tradition, honored.

A Prospitian battleship left the ruined planet behind. A queen mourned. A kingdom, bid farewell.

Hours into the future, her journey through the windswept had to be walked alone. Her entourage, bid farewell.

A queen became a questant.

And then, years later, the Windswept Questant came upon two halves of an egg-loking thign [sic] in the desert sands. A key was employed. A command station, repaired.

The four Exiles and Serenity stood in Exile Town. WV reached under the rope binding his trusty knife to the yard stick and produced a ring.

The firefly blinked her swirl on and off, producing the morse code for "Oh my."

Dream John looked up at the passing cloud that displayed an image of WV holding the ring.

"Oh my," he said himself, looking down at the one he held in his own hand. He and the bunny began to pack up before stopping in their tracks. There was another cloud. Inside it sat the main tower of Jade's house. And inside, a dark laboratory, unused for years.

And inside there, a fourth wall, pilfered from a bureaucrat's office and absconded with long ago. It wasn't turned on, but if it were, this would be exactly what we saw.


	46. Book 3 Chapter 14: Recap Two

Chapter 14: Recap Two

Andrew Hussie banged and tapped on his keyboard. It was time for another recap.

**Picking up from where we left off... **

**I typed a really long recap. Then some other stuff happened. **

**GC (gallowsCalibrator) helped John fly to the second gate, which took him to Rose's world, LOLAR. He crashed into Rose's room, where he found her asleep. He snooped through her room, and Dave tricked him into giving him the code to duplicate Rose's writing journals. John opened the package Rose made for his birthday. It contained the bunny from Con Air, the same one John got from Dave, but older and dirtier, and modified with Rose's knitting. She'd had the bunny since she was very young. **

**John leaves Casey the salamander (Bubbles Viceroy Von Salamancer) in the room. He briefly speaks with GA (grimAuxiliatrix) from Rose's computer, and pretends to be Rose. She believes he is, triggering a convoluted series of conversations between her and the real Rose in both the past and future, in no particular order. GA gets help with her computer from TA (twinArmageddons) in time to see Rose at her computer, having woken up. **

**Before she woke up, Dream Rose was awake on Derse's moon. She now had memories from her future self's doomed alternate reality. She flew to Dream Dave's tower, and got his attention with a ball of yarn, causing real Dave to fall asleep. They had a dream dance party. Dream Rose threw Dream Cal out the window. Bro's rocket board caught Dream Cal. AR? followed the board and Cal to a transportalizer on Derse, which lead to a meteor lab in the veil. **

**Meanwhile on LOLAR, Rose's mom defeated a huge monster. The pony, Maplehoof, followed her and collected the grist windfall. Both mom and the pony then transported to the meteor lab. John's dad found a clean hat John had deposited into a parcel pyxis. Dad followed Jade's grandpa, who was carrying John's Sassacre book, into some ruins. They both transported to the meteor lab too. Meanwhile, John used the grist collected by the pony to make a normal sized version of a giant hammer, Fear No Anvil, which Davesprite gave him the code for. Dream Rose saw John on Dream Dave's computer, and woke up. She went out to see him, but he had already blasted off. He took the mutant kitten, Vodka Mutini (Doctor Meowgon Spengler), with him. **

**John found the ruins that mom and the pony went into. He went in and killed some powerful monsters with his new hammer. He transported to the meteor lab as well. **

**In the lab he found no one, except the pony. Some other stray items were on the floor. Dad's dirty hat, the Sassacre book, Dream Cal. He found some apparatus used to genetically engineer footsoldiers and agents for the white and black armies from chess piece DNA. He also found a junior ectobiologist's lab suit, and a series of terminals much like those the exiles would find in the far future. He would use this apparatus to create paradox clones of himself, his friends, and their guardians. **

**Meanwhile AR? surfed bro's rocket board to a different meteor containing the frog temple that would later root itself near Jade's island. Inside he found the same time capsule she would find later. He also found some more lab equipment used for ectobiology. This equipment would soon be used to create Becquerel, a mutated combination of the genes from an ordinary dog in the early 20th century, and the DNA code in one of Rose's journals. AR? hides in the lab when he hears one of Jack's henchmen, the Draconian Dignitary. DD is carrying Rose's duplicated journals which he stole from Dave, and Dave's beta which was used as a bookmark. He discards the beta into the time capsule. Millions of years later (from the capsule's perspective) Jade would retrieve that beta and use it to connect with Dave, allowing him to enter the medium. **

**Dave created the journal duplicates after an extensive alchemy binge. Rose too had a similar alchemy session, and both kids upgraded their weapons and gear. Rose made a pair of needlewands, crossed with her grimoire, and took up the art of dark magic. She used this magic to burn her journal, thus destroying the genetic code. She was advised to do so by the gods of the Furthest Ring, whom she was now able to communicate with in her dreams. The gods live far beyond the veil, and advise the children of the moon of Derse, and serve as the counterpart to the role Skaia plays for the children of Prospit's moon. They deemed the code which would inevitably be used to create Becquerel to be dangerous. **

**Dave decided to destroy his copy too. But when he went back to his room, he discovered they were stolen. He also found his own dead body, which apparently was him from the very near future attempting to go back in time and stop the thief, DD. Dave decided not to attempt any more time travel, and disposed of the body. GC (gallowsCalibrator) discussed the matter with him, and pledged to help him by telling him his future along the way, so that he would not have to face the death of more future selves, or suffer the sort of embarrassment he went through while entering the medium. **

**Previously unseen, the way Dave entered the medium was as follows. As the large meteor was bearing down on his city, Dave climbed the radio tower on top of his building with his broken sword in hand to reach the nest built by the Crowsprite. The sprite guarded the egg, which unknown to Dave, simply needed time to hatch before he could enter. The sprite pecked his head and he fell. He was saved by bro's rocket board. Meanwhile, bro was on top of the meteor, riding it as it descended. He used his sword to chop it in half, splitting it into two pieces, diverting the initial impact from their building to two separate impact sites. He thus bought a little more time for the egg to hatch, which it did, just before their location was consumed by the blasts. **

**On Prospit's moon, PM? prepared to depart for the Battlefield at the center of Skaia, to seek the king's counsel on what to do with the queen's ring. She was tailed by another of Noir's lackeys, the Courtyard Droll. CD picked her pocket and stole the ring. PM? departed via shuttle to Skaia. Dream Jade then clobbered CD, and recovered the ring. She tried it on, but its power has no effect on humans. Later, CD would travel to the Battlefield and continue tailing PM?. **

**The Battlefield is a planet at the center of Skaia. It undergoes a transformation with each player that enters the medium, and each new prototyped kernel introduced. It starts as a simple 3x3 chessboard with two kings in perpetual stalemate, and expands to a larger board and more exotic collection of pieces with the first player entering. Then it become a much larger cube with the second player. And then an even larger sphere, with oceans, trees, mountains and pastures with the third. It presumably will transform again with the fourth. **

**The armies of the black and white kingdoms duel there. Soldiers are airlifted from meteor facilities in the veil to supply the manpower. Enormous mutant chess-like monsters stalk the landscape. The two kings command their armies from the field. They each have a scepter that serves a similar purpose to the queens' rings. When activated, a scepter causes a king to be a giant, and bear the properties of all the prototypings. A king is able to deactivate a scepter, to hand it off to another so that they will not be affected in that way. When the black king captures the white king's scepter, the Reckoning begins. The Reckoning sends all the meteors in the veil toward Skaia, in stages. First the small ones, then gradually, the bigger ones, over a 24 hour period. **

**There was a Warweary Villein on the Battlefield who was a simple farmer and was tired of the conflict. WV united a band of soldiers from both armies to lead a rebellion against the black king. Before they could attack the king, Jack Noir, now empowered by the black queen's ring, intercepted the coup. He destroyed the king's scepter, and killed the king. Jack then killed the entire rebellion army, sparing only WV. Perhaps to leave a survivor to tell the story, or perhaps out of respect for a fellow mutineer. Only he knows. Meanwhile, PM? met with the white king. He disabled his scepter, and gave it to her along with his crown. PM? now had the crowns of the white king and queen, and the white scepter, but discovered she had misplaced the white queen's ring. Jack's muscle, the Hegemonic Brute, had been tailing the white king. HB then followed PM?, and attacked her. She dropped the scepter off a cliff. She would regroup and chop off HB's head with the regisword Jack gave her to kill the white monarchs. CD, who had been tailing both of them, recovered the white scepter, and delivered it to Jack. Jack used it to initiate the Reckoning, and would proceed to go on a more extensive rampage, devastating the Battlefield and Prospit. **

**Back in the meteor lab, John began the ectobiology session which appeared to have been prepared for him in advance by the guardians who had just been there. The four monitors were all locked onto the kids' guardians at certain points in time, each on the day of one of the kid's "birth". On Jade's birthday, nanna was locked onto in John's neighborhood, by the Betty Crocker factory. The meteor carrying baby Jade crashed into the factory and destroyed it. Her grandpa, the owner of that factory, would adopt her. John's dad witnessed, and would spend years investigating. On Dave's birthday, grandpa was locked onto while he was on his yacht, pioneering the island for the first time. He was sailing with baby Jade. Overhead, there was the meteor carrying baby Dave, which would crash into bro's favorite record shop. On Rose's birthday, bro was locked onto as he stood over the crater where he would find baby Dave. He would give him a tiny pair of pointy shades. Overhead, there was a meteor carrying baby Rose, which would land in a lake and destroy it. Rose's mom would retrieve and adopt her. Months later, on John's birthday, mom would bring Rose to John's neighborhood to investigate the destruction of grandpa's factory, and related stellar phenomena. The target was locked on her. Dad came out of the family joke shop to greet her, leaving nanna inside. The meteor carrying baby John destroyed the shop, killing nanna. Dad would adopt John, and Rose's mom disappeared. Dad retrieved her scarf, and filed the clue away for his ongoing investigation. **

**John attempted (unwittingly) to appearify all four guardians. But since removing them from those moments would have caused a paradox, he instead paradoxified their ghost slime imprints. This slime was collected into two pairs of containers. One pair collected nanna and granpa's slime. The other pair collected mom and bro's. The device then created baby paradox clones of the four guardians. These babies would then later be sent back in time to become those guardians themselves. **

**Once those four clones were created, another sequence activated. The two pairs of slime tubes emptied into vats below. The nanna/grandpa slime mixed together, and separately, the mom/bro slime mixed together as well. An additional four paradox clones were created from those two slime concoctions. Baby John and Jade were created from the nanna/grandpa slime. Baby Rose and Dave were created from the mom/bro slime. These four babies would also go back in time to become the four kids, via meteors, in the sequence and on the dates listed above. **

**All eight babies would each ride their own meteors, launched from the veil after Jack started the Reckoning, and into the defense portals deployed by Skaia to protect itself. The defense portals each lead to Earth, as Skaia defends itself, in a way, by sacrificing Earth. While most meteors are sent to the time period when the kids begin the game, many lead to a number of different time periods. Some thirteen years prior to the game (used by the kids), some nearly a century prior (used by nanna and grandpa), some millions of years ago (used, eventually, by the frog temple meteor), and some to the far future (used by the exiles). **

**And all eight of them would travel with an object or animal. John with his Sassacre book, which would become the much older-looking family heirloom stored in dad's safe, with Nannasprite's inscription to John on it. Rose with the dirty bunny Dave gave John for his birthday. Dave with the pony, Maplehoof. Jade with the knit-repaired bunny Rose got John for his birthday, which Rose cherished since "birth". Nanna with dad's dirty hat. Mom with Mutini (Meowgon). Grandpa with two flintlock pistols which older Grandpa left behind for him in the lab (which would eventually both wind up in Jade's room). And bro with Dream Cal, which would later be fitted with a new personalized shirt, and would become real Cal, the same doll that would haunt Dave's waking life, and consequently, his dreams. **

**All of these babies and their items would automatically be transported to their own meteors at the onset of the Reckoning. John made absolutely sure to give baby Rose and Jade their bunnies when he saw an opportunity to reenact a scene from one of his favorite movies, much to the dismay of a watching CG (carcinoGeneticist). **

**While AR? was in the frog temple lab, he would see more of young nanna and grandpa's story. On 4/13, 1910, exactly 99 years prior to John's "birth", baby nanna's meteor destroyed a bakery owned by Betty Crocker. Nanna was adopted by Crocker's husband, Colonel Sassacre, and taken to live in his mansion. 8 days later, grandpa's meteor destroyed the dog house belonging to Sassacre's dog, Halley. Halley was elsewhere, and was unharmed. When Sassacre and nanna went to investigate the crater, Sassacre was shot and killed accidentally with one of grandpa's pistols. Halley then showed up (who young grandpa would tend to pronounce "Harley" due to his speech impediment), and would largely serve as their guardian for the next 13 years, with presumably some parental influence from the wicked Crocker. On his 13th birthday, grandpa would run off with Harley to find adventure. Nanna would stay behind, contend with the batterwitch, and master the art of baking as well as take up her deceased grandfather's tradition of pranksterism. **

**Harley was locked onto by the frog temple's equipment. DD activated the device, and produced a paradox clone of Harley combined with the controversial MEOW code to create puppy Bec. The spectacle terrified AR?, leaving a major impression on him. He would recognize Bec's silhouette carved on WV's pumpkin years later. The pumpkin commanded his fear, and caused him to surrender. **

**Meanwhile, the grown-up versions of mom and dad were on board a flying battleship belonging to grandpa, who piloted it toward Skaia. Dad gave mom her long discarded scarf, from the day he lost his mother and found his son. The two guardians traded gestures of affection. **

**Jade remained asleep through it all, trying to stay on the moon as long as she could until she figured out how to wake John up. She talked about this with AT (adiosToreador), who revealed he preferred his dream life on Prospit more than any aspect of the game, and regretted all the trolls' dream selves were now dead. Jade expressed surprise at the notion of dream self mortality. **

**After Jack used the full power of the ring to devastate the battlefield and the two armies, he turned his attention on Prospit, inflicting severe damage the same way. He then cut the chain connecting the moon to Prospit, sending the moon plummeting through the atmosphere of Skaia, and breaking up in the process. Dream John, still asleep, fell out of his tower and drifted down ahead of the falling moon. Dream Jade flew to intercept him, and spent a moment attempting to wake him before the moon's collision was imminent. At the last minute she flung Dream John out of the blast radius, but was not able to clear the blast herself. She died. **

**The blast left a massive crater on the Battlefield. This was the first thing Dream John saw when he woke up. **

**The death of Dream Jade caused her dreambot to malfunction and explode, destroying her room. Still asleep, Jade fell from her tower as Bec watched from a distance, and an enormous meteor loomed overhead. **

**Elsewhere, on Dave's world LOHAC, bro dueled with Jack briefly. It was a stalemate, until bro plunged his sword into the large floating record platform they were fighting on. This released a mysterious energy from the cracks. Bro escaped. **

**Rose completed her final GameFAQS walkthrough entry, and used magic to seal it in a server in the Furthest Ring, to be accessed by players in worlds beyond their own. She had destroyed her first gate on a whim, and resolved to search for answers to remedy the hopelessness of their doomed session. Meanwhile, Dave entered his first gate, riding into it with his awesome skateboard, Unreal Air. **

**The four exiles arrived on Earth years after its apocalypse, but years before they found their respective command stations. WV wrapped himself in John's dream blanket, which became dirty and unrecognizable over time. He found it along with a Jack-like doll on the Battlefield, which formerly sat in Dream John's bedroom, haunting his dreams. WV ripped it apart. PM wrapped herself in a Prospit banner, which too faded in time. AR wrapped himself in caution tape, using his own supply, as well as some fresh rolls he was lucky enough to discover near the ruined frog temple in one of grandpa's old crates. This was after he escaped that same temple in the medium, and found the meteor lab in which John slept. That meteor then took off for Skaia, via the Reckoning. AR? taped John to the rocket board, and cast him off before the meteor went through a portal. Thus AR became exiled. WQ exiled herself with an entourage on a royal cruiser, and landed on Earth. She departed on a solo quest, leaving her people to their own devices. She discovered her command station, a large egg, broken in two pieces in the two large craters made by Dave's split meteor. She used a key to repair the egg station, and teleported to the present location of the exiles, the frog ruins at night, 413 years after the apocalypse of Earth. **

**On the Battlefield, Dream John found Dream Jade's body. He was sad and confused, and took her ring as a keepsake. Later, grandpa would land his ship on the Battlefield, find and recover her body, and use it to create a stuffed trophy as a memorial, as per the proud family tradition. He would depart in his ship, and leave mom and dad behind. **

**John saw a vision in a cloud directing him where to go. It was a castle where he would rendezvous with PM?. PM?, after beheading HB, used his radio to summon Jack. He came, and she traded the two white crowns for the green box, Jade's present to John. He appeared pleased to uphold the bargain, either out of the misunderstanding that he was still under control of its contents, or out of respect for PM?'s tenacity and brutality in pursuing the prize. Only he knows. **

**PM? delivered the package to John, and then left, not thrilled by the trials caused by its recovery. John opened it to find letters from Jade, and her pen pal, who helped her make the present for him over several years. The gift was the pen pal's idea, and he himself was coerced into the plan by someone else. The box contained a modified version of the stuffed bunny John had received for his birthday twice already. it was the same knit-repaired bunny John sent back in time with baby Jade, and she presumably kept it as a cherished childhood toy ever since. It was now upgraded with mechanical parts, fully mobile and autonomous. It was also included with four powerful weapons, the Royal Deringer (broken sword), the Quills of Echidna (wands), Ahab's Crosshairs (rifle), and the Warhammer of Zillyhoo (hammer). Each was shrunken down to be "bunny sized". **

**As John mourned Jade's death over her letter, he was interrupted by Jack's sword. Jack was after the ring. But the heavily-armed mechanical bunny intervened, recognizing John as its new master. Jack, knowing the danger of the toy, was forced to retreat. **

**Finally, a cloud showed John what he was supposed to do with the ring. It was held by a mysterious black hand. In the far future on Earth, the exiles gathered around Exile Town. WQ asked WV for something. WV revealed he had been storing the complete, quad-prototyped ring in the sleeve of his Trusty Knife. It had been there all along, much to Serenity's surprise. **

**And then I started working on Act 5.**

Hussie stopped typing. What to do for the epilogue? Oh, that's right, trolls! Let's quickly see what was up with them. After all, we haven't heard from most of them at all!


	47. Book 3 Chapter 15: Act 5

Chapter 15: Act 5

Elsewhere in paradox space lay another planet, forgotten by time. It was orbited by two moons, one pink and the other green. We will strive to remember this planet! What was its name again?

Oh, ha ha! Nice one, smartypants! Really hilarious. But let's get real here. No more clowning around.

That was much better. In fact, as it happened, your guess was precisely correct. What are the odds? We examine the planet Alternia. Somewhere on this planet, there was a young troll.

Oh no, this is going to be more than a chapter. You know what? Fuck the epilogue, I'm going to make Act 5 into a whole nother trilogy! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Okay… um, on to Book Four then.

To be continued in Book 4: Hivebent 


	48. Book 4 Chapter 1: carcinoGeneticist

Yay! I'm finally uploading Hivebent! Many people skip right to this part, so I hope that you enjoy one of the best parts of Homestuck. I'm putting up all the trolls up to Equius so far. So that's everyone but Kanaya and the sea trolls.

Thanks for reading! -Morn

* * *

Book 4: Hivebent

Chapter 1: carcinoGeneticist

Somewhere on the planet that I specified at the end of the last book (the one called Alternia), a young troll stood in his respiteblock. His black shirt had a gray symbol of Cancer on it. He didn't look particularly happy, although it just so happened that today, the 12th bilunar perigee of the 6th season's equinox, was the day of this young troll's awakening, also known as his wriggling day. Though it was six solar sweeps ago that he'd been given life, it was only today he would be given a name!

Six Alternian solar sweeps, for convenient reference, was equivalent to thirteen Earth years. Earth, also for convenient reference, was a planet that did not exist yet. What would the name of this troll be? Hmm… something predictably derogatory? No! This guy got fed up by Hussie's shenanigans in record time. He slashed the placronym in half with his sickle. That was quite enough.

This guy had a lot of troll pals and their adventures were going to be quite extensive and convoluted, to an even greater degree than one perhaps may have been accustomed. He thought that if AH thought that there was time to drag out every little gag and expected pattern along the way, he had another thing coming. He thought that Hussie should cram that sobering understanding in his chitinous windhole, and tamp it down hard with his ugly-stupid-looking cartilage nub.

Woah! Okay then, Mr. Troll. Karkat Vantas should do, right? The troll nodded. That's right then. As was previously mentioned, it was Karkat's wriggling day, which was barely even worth mentioning. It was an anniversary, if anything, to lament the faults of his existence, of which there were assuredly plenty.

Equally plenty, and somewhat related to that topic, were his interests. He had a passion for ridiculously terrible romantic movies and romcoms. He really should have been embarrassed for liking this dreadful cinema, but for some reason he wasn't. He liked to program computers, but he was notoriously awful at it. His programs invariably damaged the machines on which they were executed, which was just as well, because he liked to believe he specialized in computer viruses. When he matured, he aspired to join the ranks of the most lethal members of his society, the Threshecutioners. He liked to practice with his really cool sickle, but just wound up looking kind of like a doofus by himself in his room.

On another note, he liked to chat with some of his other troll pals, most of which drove him batshit up the fucking belfry. He'd been trying out a new chat client beta called Trollian recently, and he was not really sure what he thought about it yet. His trolltag was **carcinoGeneticist **and he spoke in a manner that was **ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY ORNERY, ALL THE TIME.**

Later, he'd play a game with five of his friends, and go on a big adventure. This game for convenient reference, did not yet exist. But it would soon.

Karkat examined the slimy purple pod in his room. It was his recuperacoon full of nourishing green sopor slime. Every young troll enjoyed the cozy embrace of such a vessel each night, and the relaxing ooze helped assuage the terrible visions of blood and carnage that plagued the dark subconscious of his species. It was so inviting… a few minutes wouldn't hurt. He climbed inside. Ahh…

Okay, this was cozy and all, but he couldn't spend all day napping like a chump. Dammit, he was a busy guy. He was sort of a big deal. Goddamn slime. Now he had to change his clothes too! What had he been thinking? Luckily his clothes were all the same. Trolls thought fashion was stupid.

It was time to get serious here. Sweet troll jegus! It was time to get real and get down to some major business. He spaced out and got caught up reading the titles of the films that he posters of on his walls. Wow these movies were great. He didn't care what anyone said. They were pure magic. Was that… was that John Cusack? See, what most people didn't understand was that John Cusack was a universal constant.

And this movie over here… this movie… ok, even he had a hard time defending this one. But still, it was so good. The best thing about was how Troll Adam Sandler didn't make him want to punch anything. Like, nothing at all, really hard or anything.

Karkat captchalogued his trusty sickle via his encryption modus. To retrieve it, he'd need to hack the code and open the card vault left behind. This would obviously prove to completely ridiculous and untenable way of maintaining an inventory, and lead to a great many follies. Later on, he'd swap his modus with his hacker friend, a guy who, unlike Karkat, happened to be competent with programming. It would only make sense. But for the time being his modus made his life kind of a nightmare. There were just so many stupid things that happened with this modus. So many, you have no idea.

Karkat took the card vault via his encryption modus. It was placed within another card vault and it fell through the ground, making a hole to the room below. God dammit! He heard some unhappy grumbling from below. This was not the coolest thing he could have done just now.

Karkat looked at the large black book on his dresser. He made _quite_ sure not to captchalogue it, but to simply pick it up and read it.

~ATH - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED

CHAPTER ONE

PREPARE YOUR ~ATH FILE:  
"DIG YOUR GRAVE"

A BONE TO PICK!  
"For death begins with  
life's first breath and  
life begins at touch of  
death"  
- Troll Will Smith

~ATH(THIS) {

/ ADDITIONAL GRAVES...

} EXECUTE(NULL);

();

~ATH was an insufferable programming language to work with. Its logic was composed of nothing but infinite loops, or at best, loops of effectively interminable construction. The above page in the intro section documented the simplest possible ~ATH code structure. Any code deviating from this basic structure would not compile. Karkat had a whole bunch of code samples he'd been messing around with on his computer. It was frustrating at best, and debilitating to his machine at worst.

He set the book back on the dresser and exited his respiteblock through the door. He stood on one of his hive's numerous extraterraneal landing slats. Karkat had been allowed to design this hive when he was young, after he'd emerged victorious from his trials deep within the brooding caverns. He'd lived here with his custodian ever since.

It was almost as if his people had placed great cultural importance on teaching children to become architecturally adept while very young. It had been this way since ancient times. No one seemed to know why that was. Getting to build his own hive at a young age using whatever meandering design he chose had likely left him jaded to the notion of customizing his abode. He certainly wouldn't get worked up about a game that happened to allow him to do the same thing. At least not for that reason.

He looked out at his neighborhood to the neighboring hives. The lawnrings were empty. Blood skimmed the voids in Karkat's porous cranial plates, as if grazing the hollow of a threshed stem, or say, an abandoned cocoon. A sour note was produced. It was the one Agitation played to make its audience squirm. It was his sixth wriggling day, and as with all five preceding it blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Look. This young troll was a very busy fellow and he certainly didn't have time for fancy poetry. It was almost as useless as the arm-swingy flappy things on mailboxes, assuming he even knew what those were, which he didn't. Trolls didn't have mail. Mail was almost as useless as poetry to them. Poetry was the swing arm flappy dealy of words, and mail was the red tilty lever doodad of giving people shit.

Frankly, Karkat didn't know about things skimming voids or grazing hollows or whatever. He had ambition. He'd been meant to be a bigshot. To be in charge of something huge and really important, and to be totally ruthless about it. He just hadn't found the dominion in which he'd been destined for greatness yet. Or even a vague concept of it. He hadn't found his purpose. But tonight he would.

He stewed in his own impotent aggravation in the cool dusk breeze. During the dark seasons, it remained dusk for most of the day. In fact, it could stay dark for many bilunar perigrees at a time. But even if it didn't, he'd still have this feeling… Yeah, he had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

Karkat headed back into his block and hit up his computer station. No word from any of his loudmouth pals. No news was good news. Sweet music to his auricular sponge clots.

There was also a magazine on his desk. It was the latest issue of Game Grub. This one appeared to be boasting about "exclusive leaks". Well, they all boasted about that. He wasn't really sure what it meant though.

There was a DVD on the other side of his computer. It was of one of his favorite series, _The Thresh Prince of Bel-air._ It was about a green Threshecutioner cadet who sassed up the bluebloods in his flaysquad pretty good. Their blood was literally blue. Lousy snobs. But Troll Will Smith showed them all how to loosen up. He was pretty much Karkat's hero. Troll TV shows had shorter titles than troll movies because TV was a much newer form of media in their society. Which was a good thing, because it would have been pretty hard otherwise to make this funny joke.

Ok, enough messing around. It was time to get some work done. Maybe a little programming or oh god. It figured that installing this new beta chat client would open the floodgates. All his moron friends were going to be hounding him relentlessly. Not that they had needed an excuse before. He wondered what this chump wanted.

**terminallyCapricious [TC]** **began trolling carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]**

**TC: wHaT iS uUuUuP mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR?**

**CG: WHAT IN THE SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK DO YOU WANT.**

**TC: NoT a MoThErFuCkInG tHiNg BrO.**

**TC: oThEr ThAn I bE cHeCkIn OuT hOw My BeSt MoThErFuCkIn FrIeNd Is At Yo.**

**CG: I REALLY CAN'T STAND YOU AND I HATE HOW YOU TYPE, IT JUST BOTHERS ME SO MUCH, HAVE I MENTIONED THAT?**

**TC: YoU SaY iT pReTtY mUcH eVeRy TiMe We TaLk YeAh.**

**TC: but uh, i don't have to...**

**TC: uhhh see?**

**TC: but i mean man this feels so motherfuckin unnatural and shit.**

**TC: YoU jUsT gOt To Be GoInG wItH wHaT fEeLs RiGhT aT wHeRe YoUr HeArT's Up In, YoU kNoW?**

**TC: bEsT fRiEnD.**

**CG: I WONDER WHAT KIND OF SHITTY THING I DID TO DESERVE SUCH AN AWFUL BEST FRIEND.**

**CG: OR MAYBE WHAT TERRIBLE THING I'M GOING TO DO AND GET PUNISHED FOR IN ADVANCE.**

**CG: MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE PREEMPTIVELY THE WORST FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH WHO EVER LIVED AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET, BUT HEY LOOK, YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS EXHIBIT A I GUESS.**

**TC: It'S sUcH a BeAuTiFuL tHiNg.**

**TC: ThIs TrOlL dIsEaSe CaLlEd FrIeNdShIp.**

**CG: FRIENDSHIP ISN'T A DISEASE SHITSPONGE.**

**CG: IT'S LIKE...**

**CG: A MISTAKE.**

**CG: A BIG JOKE OF NATURE.**

**TC: iT's A mIrAcLe.**

**CG: OH NO, DON'T.**

**CG: DON'T START WITH THE MIRACLES AGAIN.**

**TC: MaN eVeRyWhErE i LoOk...**

**TC: aLlS i SeE iS mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS.**

**TC: It'S sO sPiRiTuAl, AlL tHeSe mIrAcLeS aNd ShIt.**

**TC: oK lIkE jUsT bE tAkIn tHiS fUcKiN tItS bOtTlE oF fUcKiN fAyGo I jUsT cRaCkEd Up OpEn.**

**TC: AnD hOw It'S bEiNg AlL lIkE hIsSiNg AnD sHiT.**

**TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN hIsSiNg MaN, wHo WeNt AlL aNd ToLd It To Do ThAt?**

**TC: HoW wOuLd It EvEn Do ThAt, It'S cRaZy.**

**TC: iT's A mIrAcLe.**

**CG: IT'S CARBONATION YOU IGNORANT DOUCHE.**

**CG: TRY GETTING SCHOOLFED SOME TIME INSTEAD OF SLURPING DOWN THAT WEIRD SWILL ALL DAY AND FONDLING YOUR STUPID HORNS.**

**TC: No No BrO, i DoN't WaNnA kNoW, dOn'T eVeN tElL mE.**

**TC: kNoWiNg ShIt JuSt StEaLs Up AlL tHe FuCkIn MaGiC fRoM mY mIrAcLeS lIkE a MoThErFuCkIn ThIeF.**

**TC: AnD tHaT aIn'T cOoL.**

**CG: THE ONLY MIRACLE IS THAT YOU LIKE THAT DISGUSTING SLUDGE, WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET THAT STUFF.**

**CG: IT'S ALSO A MIRACLE HOW YOU DRESS LIKE AN IMBECILE AND ARE BASICALLY THE STUPIDEST ASSHOLE I'VE EVER KNOWN.**

**CG: ACTUALLY YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE ARE MIRACLES EVERYWHERE, I'VE BEEN A FOOL.**

**TC: sEe MaN, i Am StRaIgHt Up TeLlInG yOu.**

**TC: MiRaClEs.**

**TC: iT's LiKe, AlRiGhT, cOmPuTeRs, RiGhT?**

**TC: WhAt ThE fUcK?**

**TC: mIrAcLeS iS wHaT.**

**CG: FUCK YOU.**

**CG: FUCK YOU FOR ME JUST READING THAT.**

**TC: AnYwAy WhAt'S uP wItH yOuR bAd SeLf, FoR sErIoUs HeRe.**

**TC: iSn'T sOmEtHiNg BiG aLl GoInG dOwN?**

**CG: WHAT?**

**TC: i HeArD sOmEtHiNg bIg WaS gOiNg AlL dOwN.**

**TC: JuSt AlL bE tElLiNg Me AlL wHaT mOtHeRfUcKiN iT's Up AnD aLl AbOuT.**

**CG: STOP SAYING ALL. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TA'S THING?**

**TC: yEaH! fUcK yEaH mAn, So MyStErIoUs.**

**TC: I'm NeVeR bEiNg GeTtInG cEaSeD tO bE aMaZeD bY aLl ThEsE fUcKiN mYsTeRiEs LiFe'S gOt FoR uS.**

**CG: UUUUUUGH.**

**CG: ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THAT.**

**CG: MAYBE I'LL TALK TO HIM TONIGHT ABOUT IT. MAYBE I WON'T.**

**CG: IT'S PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER ONE OF HIS PROJECTS THAT WINDS UP BEING COMPLETELY USELESS AND A HUGE WASTE OF MY TIME.**

**TC: yEaH mAyBe BuT hE's YoUr BeSt FrIeNd ThOuGh So It'S aLl CoOl.**

**TC: AnYwAy I tHoUgHt ThIs SoUnDeD lIkE a PrEtTy BiG mOtHeRfUcKiN dEaL mY mAn.**

**TC: aAaUuUhHh...**

**CG: WHAT.**

**TC: Aw BrO nEvErMiNd, I jUsT fUcKiN dId LiKe To ScArE tHe ShIt OuTtA mYsElF hErE.**

**TC: tHeSe DaMn HoRnS.**

**CG: YOU'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THOSE THINGS.**

**CG: THEY MAKE IT MORE EMBARRASSING TO KNOW YOU.**

**CG: WHICH IS A FRIGGIN MIRACLE THAT THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE.**

**CG: LIKE, WOW, GOD SURE COOKED UP A DOOZY THERE.**

**CG: TWINKLY EYED SON OF A BITCH JUST KEEPS YOU GUESSING, DOESN'T HE.**

**TC: MaN yOu KnOw YoU wAnNa GiVe My HoRnS a GoOd SqUeEzE. :o)**

**CG: ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BE THE MIRACLE TO END ALL MIRACLES?**

**CG: IT'LL BE IF I EVER MEET A KID I DESPISE MORE THAN YOU.**

**CG: THAT WILL MAKE ME A MOTHERFUCKIN CONVERT.**

**CG: I'LL SEE LIGHT SO BRIGHT I'LL NEED GC TO WALK ME AROUND SO I DON'T BUMP INTO SHIT.**

**CG: SIGN ME UP FOR YOUR IDIOTIC CLOWN RELIGION OK.**

**TC: hAhAhAhA yOu fUcKiN gOt It BrOtHeR!**


	49. Book 4 Chapter 2: terminallyCapricious

Chapter 2: terminallyCapricious

Woah. The narrative just shifted. Who the the motherfuck was this motherfucker. His face, rather than just being a plain gray, was mostly white with gray areas around his eyes and mouth. He wore a black shirt with a purple Capricorn symbol on it and black pants with gray spots on them. He had long orange horns that pointed upwards instead of to the sides.

It was cool, that narrative shift, though. Life was like that sometimes. Full of mysteries. He'd be doing one thing and then something else hit him just like that and he rolled with it. That was what he did when life handed him lemons. He sure as fuck didn't make lemonade because who the fuck knew where that fucking shit came from. It was squeezed out of miracles, that was what.

What was this motherfucker's name? He wasn't standing and waiting for anything. In fact, he'd just roll with whatever. In that case, I guessed there was no being derogatory and stupid and such, and named him Gamzee Makara.

He got pretty excited by clowns of a grim persuasion which may or may not have been in full possession of their mental faculties. He also belonged to a rather obscure cult, which foretold of a band of rowdy and capricious minstrels which would rise one day on a mythical paradise planet which did not exist yet. The beliefs of this cult were somewhat frowned upon by those dwelling in more common lawnrings, but Gamzee didn't care. He had to be going with what felt right where his heart was up in, you know?

Gamzee liked to practice on his one wheel device, a unicycle, which he was god awful at because his feet did not reach the pedals. He enjoyed a fine beverage, and liked to do a little baking sometimes. He had all these honking horns on the floor, and sometimes he stepped on them by accident and scared the shit out of himself.

He liked to chat a lot with his pal Karkat, who was usually pretty cranky. But he was Gamzee's best friend. He had a lot of other great friends who he also liked a lot. His trolltag was **terminallyCapricious,** and he generally spoke in a manner that was **JuSt A bIt WhImSiCaL**.

Gamzee snagged a bottle of Faygo from his desk. To consume the beverage was what his fellow devotees referred to as kickin' the wicked elixir. The bottle was captchalogued through his miracle modus. He had absolutely no idea how the thing worked. And he didn't want to know. A bunch of random mini captchalogue cards surrounded a larger one in the center. The small ones were different colored and the captchalogued item typically jumped around to all the different areas of the modus. He took his husktop (computer) too. Sometimes he just liked to pick up stuff and watch the colors. It was so beautiful. Life was beautiful.

Gamzee decided to give the unicycle another shot. Maybe one of these days he'd become more suited to its proportions, but for now this was all he had to work with. He just had to figure out how to stay on the thing without flying off the handle. He climbed onto the thing and did some kind of acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle and into a big pile of horns. The horns all honked in unison.

He stood and looked at the delicious pie that was cooling on the counter. It was still piping hot but he couldn't help himself. He snuck a taste of the sopor slime pie. He wasn't supposed to eat that slime. It did funny things to a troll's head. But he'd never been taught that on account of a lousy upbringing. His custodian had always been out to sea. That was where he was now. Maybe Gamzee would go outside and see if he could spot him.

He grabbed a juggling club. He'd need it if he was going to go out because it was dangerous to leave unarmed. He then left the hive and headed out to the beach. There was no sign of his custodian. It wouldn't be good to stay out long. The sea dwellers were quite hostile.

Ooh! Someone was bugging him. This was exciting. He was always down for shooting the wicked shit with anyone who'd put up with him. Now if he could only figure out how to get his husktop out of this stupid thing he called a sylladex. It would be a miracle if he could manage. He clasped his hands together and said a short prayer to his beloved mirthful messiahs. He then splashed a pinch of Special Stardust in his face. His sylladex launched the bottle of Faygo far, far into the ocean.

Gamzee wondered if he could just… just sort of reach over… and… take the computer out of his sylladex…

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3?**

**TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS!**

**GC: 8\**

**GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S!**

**GC: BUT 1M GONN4**

**GC: TH3 ONLY R34SON 1M 4SK1NG YOU 1S B3C4US3 YOUR N4M3 1S L1K3 G4M3**

**GC: 4ND NO OTH3R R34SON**

**GC: G3T 1T? :]**

**TC: HaHa WeLl I hEaRd Of WoRsE fUcKiN rEaSoNs To Be GeTtIn AlL aBoUt To Do SoMeThInG.**

**TC: :o) hOnK**

**GC: NO TH4T SHOULD BOTH3R YOU, TH4T R34SON**

**GC: WHY DONT TH1NGS L1K3 TH4T BOTH3R YOU?**

**GC: NO WOND3R V4NT4S C4NT ST4ND YOU**

**GC: BUT WHO C4R3S 4BOUT H1M, W3R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 SOM3 MOTH3RFUCK1NG SH1TTY B1TCH3S PL4Y1NG TOG3TH3R!**

**GC: OR WH4T3V3R YOU S41D**

**TC: sO iS tHiS tHe GaMe I'vE hEaRd AbOuT?**

**TC: ThE bIg MyStErY?**

**GC: Y34H**

**TC: wHoA oK uHhH...**

**TC: ThIs Is GoInG tO bE fUcKiN iNsAnE.**

**TC: bUt CaN wE pLaY a LiTtLe LaTeR?**

**TC: I'm OuTsIdE kEePiNg An EyE oUt HeRe FoR tHe OlD gOaT.**

**TC: yOu KnOw HoW iT iS wItH fAmIlY.**

**GC: NO, NOT R34LLY!**

**GC: 4DURRRR DURR DURP**

**TC: Oh YeAh...**

**GC: DURRRRRRRRRRRRR**

**GC: W4Y TO GO, HOW DO3S TH4T STUP1D BOTTL3D SYRUP OF YOURS T4ST3 W1TH YOUR HOOF SO F4R UP YOUR MOUTH?**

**GC: :]**

**TC: sOoOoOoOrY.**

**TC: AnYwAy I'lL gO iNsIdE iN a WhIlE, wHy DoN't YoU gEt KaRkAt To FiRe Up ThAt MoThErFuCkEr WiTh YoU?**

**TC: hE lIkEs GaMeS.**

**GC: OH NOOOOO.**

**GC: GOD C4N YOU 1M4G1N3 4LL TH3 B1TCH1NG 4ND MO4N1NG?**

**GC: 1 US3D TO TRY TO PL4Y STUFF W1TH H1M BUT WOW D1D 1 L34RN MY L3SSON.**

**TC: AlRiGhT, wElL i'Ll TrY tO gEt In AnD gEt Up On My ChIlL rEaL sOoN aNd We CaN pLaY.**

**TC: jUsT gIvE mE a MiNuTe!**

**GC: BULLSH1T!**

**GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 JUST GO1NG TO S1T TH3R3 ON TH3 B34CH 4ND SP4C3 OUT 4ND LOS3 TR4CK OF T1M3.**

**GC: H3LLO?**

**GC: G4MZ?**

**TC: WhAt?**

**TC: oH mAn SoRrY.**

**TC: I sPaCeD oUt, DiD yOu KnOw HoW bEaTuFuL tHe SoUnD oF tHe OcEaN iS?**

**TC: hAvE yOu EvEr EvEn SeEn ThE oCeAn?**

**TC: oR i MeAn SmElLeD iT...**

**TC: SoRrY.**

**GC: :[**

Karkat sat at his computer. Finally some peace and quiet. Now he could bear down on his coding. He reopened one of his ~ATH projects he'd started recently, called "AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. ~ATH":

import universe U;

import author Karkat;

~ATH(U) {

~ATH(Karkat) {

} EXECUTE(NULL);

} EXECUTE(NULL);

();

He'd been horsing around with the conditions for terminating the loops. What many ~ATH coders did was import finite constructs and bind the loops to their own lifespans. For instance, the main loop here would terminate would terminate upon the death of the universe, labeled U. That way he only had to wait billions of years for it to end instead of forever.

Karkat had bound a subloop to the lifespan of the code's author, which was him. Any routine at the end would execute when he died. He figured it would come in handy for coding something to release a final will and testament. Or maybe some doomsday virus. He spent a lot of time thinking of ways to make the perfect doomsday virus.

Conveniently absent from ~ATH's extensive import library were entities with short lifespans. Like a rapidly decaying particle that only lasted a millisecond sure would have been handy. Or even a fruit fly or something. But no, coding with this language was all about finding ways to trick it into doing what you wanted.

Karkat's hacker buddy was obnoxiously good at it. He'd sent some files which Karkat still didn't understand, but he wasn't going to admit that. His buddy was even better at making viruses than him, which really got stuck in his nook.

He checked out one of the files, called "check_thii2_2hiit_out. ~ATH":

bifurcate THIS[THIS, THIS];

import universe U1;

import universe U2;

~ATH(U1) {

~ATH(!U2) {

} EXECUTE(~ATH(THIS){}EXECUTE(NULL));

} EXECUTE(~ATH(THIS){}EXECUTE(NULL));

[THIS, THIS].DIE();

This code, when executed, immediately caused the user's computer to explode, and placed a curse on the user forever, along with everyone he knew, and everyone he'd ever meet. Not surprisingly, later on he'd run this code in a fit of stupidity. He didn't know how the guy did stuff like this. What did this even mean? It was nonsense. Was it even syntactically viable? Were you allowed to color text like that? ARGH. Maybe, he thought, I'll ask him about it sometime.

Oh, and speak of the devil. Here he was, bugging Karkat about something. Time to put on his game face and pretend he didn't think very highly of the guy's abilities.

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**TA: KK dont fliip your 2hiit about thii2 but iim 2ettiing you up two play a game wiith 2ome people.**

**CG: WHY WOULD I FLIP MY SHIT ABOUT THAT.**

**TA: becau2e you fliip your 2hiit about everythiing.**

**CG: WELL WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS.**

**CG: HERE IS MY SHIT, AND YET IT REMAINS UNFLIPPED.**

**CG: JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SKILLET, GETTING BURNED ON ONE SIDE.**

**CG: IT'S A MIRACLE.**

**TA: oh no are you iinto miiracle2 now two becau2e iif you are youre fiired preemptiively from the game.**

**CG: FUCK NO.**

**TA: ok niice.**

**CG: MIRACLES ARE LIKE POOP STAINS ON GOD'S UNDERWEAR.**

**TA: eheheh makiing fun of people2 reliigiion2 i2 the be2t thiing two do.**

**CG: THAT'S WHY HE HIDES THEM, THEY'RE FUCKING EMBARRASSING.**

**CG: GOD LAUNDERS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.**

**TA: eheheheheh riight on but let2 2hut our mouth2 a 2econd and talk about thii2 game.**

**TA: iitll only be a 2econd really you dont have two do two much.**

**CG: OK, GOOD, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY BUSY TONIGHT.**

**CG: WHAT IS THIS THING ANYWAY, WHY ALL THE SECRECY.**

**TA: well the 2hort 2tory ii2 that iit2 an iimmer2iive 2iimulatiion that you play wiith a group.**

**TA: the long 2tory ii2 that the fate of our ciiviiliizatiion depend2 on u2 playiing iit.**

**TA: heh ii gue22 the long one wa2 2horter than the 2hort one FUCK.**

**CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE MELODRAMATIC BULLSHIT BUT COMING FROM YOU COLOR ME UNSURPRISED.**

**TA: 2crew you vanta2 thii2 2hiit2 more real than kraft grub2auce.**

**CG: RIGHT OK.**

**CG: SO YOU MADE THIS GAME?**

**TA: no no.**

**TA: more liike ii adapted iit.**

**CG: FROM WHAT.**

**TA: 2ome crazy technology AA dug out of 2ome ruiin2.**

**TA: havent you talked two her about iit?**

**CG: MAN, NO.**

**CG: I CAN'T TALK TO HER, SHE'S SO SPOOKY.**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW WHY MOST OF OUR FRIENDS ARE SUCH PSYCHOS.**

**TA: probably iit2 becau2e mo2t troll2 are.**

**TA: iif you heard what ii heard every niight ii mean WOW FUCK.**

**CG: NO LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR WEIRD MUTANT BRAIN.**

**CG: AND DON'T SCAN MINE OR WHATEVER, IT'S OFF LIMITS YOU DOUCHE.**

**TA: ii told you liike a biilliion tiime2 ii cant do that you nub2lurping fuckpod.**

**CG: WHY ARE YOU TWO UP TO THIS SECRET STUFF.**

**CG: WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?**

**TA: KK iim 2orry but really iit2 kiind of a priivate matter between me and her and iid appreciiate iit iif that wa2 re2pected.**

**CG: OH GOD.**

**CG: STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE.**

**CG: IT'S A REPUGNANT QUALITY.**

**TA: ok how about you take your own adviice you are 2uch a blubberiing hypocriite.**

**TA: youre lucky iim 2o fuckiing magnaniimou2 and chariitable cau2e otherwii2e there2 no chance iid wa2te my tiime on you.**

**CG: WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT, THIS ACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE A HOTSHOT, YOU KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELF.**

**TA: nobody hate2 hiim2elf more than you iidiiot.**

**CG: YEAH WELL I HATE YOU WAY MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF, AND THAT'S FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING.**

**CG: IN FACT I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU HATE ME COMBINED.**

**TA: oh fuck that noii2e iin every leakiing oriifiice iit2 got you know ii hate the combiined product of you and my2elf more than you could ever begiin two hate me and my2elf and you and your2elf on your wor2t day 2o FUCKIING DEAL WIITH IIT.**

**CG: OK, TIME OUT FOR THE IDIOT.**

**CG: THE IDIOT GETS A TIME OUT AND SHUTS UP FOR A SECOND.**

**CG: THAT'S YOU.**

**CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS GAME.**

**TA: ok well iill 2end you a download 2oon.**

**TA: iim 2ett1ng up two team2.**

**TA: liike two 2eparate competiing team2 2o that there2 a better chance of at lea2t one group wiinniing.**

**TA: and al2o ii gue22 two 2ee which one can wiin fa2ter.**

**CG: OK LET ME GUESS.**

**CG: THERE'S A RED TEAM AND BLUE TEAM, RIGHT?**

**TA: yeah.**

**TA: youre on the red team.**

**TA: ii wiill be the leader of the blue.**

**CG: OK, THEN I GUESS I CAN PICK MY TEAMMATES THEN?**

**TA: uh...**

**TA: bro youre not the red team leader.**

**TA: ii piicked GC for that.**

**CG: WHAT?**

**TA: dude ii diid NOT thiink youd be iintere2ted iin thii2 dont act all offended.**

**CG: OH WOW NOW I SEE.**

**CG: REALLY FUCKING CLEVER, PICKING THE BLIND GIRL TO LEAD THE TEAM YOUR COMPETING WITH.**

**CG: I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATER LOWLIFE FUCKING SCUMBAG WITH NO SCRUPLES OR SELF ESTEEM AND WERE BASICALLY WORTHLESS ON EVERY LEVEL, BUT SOMEHOW I'M STILL DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.**

**TA: yeah ii am 2uch an iidiiot for not rewardiing your bubbly per2onaliity and iimpeccable people 2kiill2 wiith a leader2hiip giig.**

**TA: what an iincon2iiderate knuckle2ponged a22hole ii have been.**

**CG: I AM A HATCHED LEADER AND YOU KNOW IT.**

**TA: ii know your fiilthy 2eedflap ii2 flutteriing iin the profane breeze that2 2hootiing out your 2tiinkiing meal tunnel.**

**TA: ii do know that much.**

**CG: HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR COCOON IN THE MORNING KNOWING YOU'RE THE WORST THING A UNIVERSE WAS EVER RESPONSIBLE FOR?**

**CG: ALSO IT MUST BE HARD WITH YOUR HANDS TO PERSISTENTLY BOTHERING EVERY MUTATED SET OF GENITALS PEPPERING THAT GHASTLY HUSK YOU PAWN OFF AS A BODY.**

**CG: HAS A FEMALE EVER LOOKED AT YOU WITHOUT AT ONCE TURNING SKYWARD AND ERUPTING LIKE A VOMIT VOLCANO, ANSWER ME THAT.**

**TA: thii2 ii2 2o iimmature, iim ba2iically ju2t laughiing here at how iimmature you are.**

**TA: liike ii really giive a fuck who the red leader ii2.**

**TA: you want two be the leader fiine talk two GC about iit.**

**CG: I GUESS THESE CONVERSATIONS WE HAVE DO GET KIND OF EMBARRASSING IN RETROSPECT.**

**CG: ARE WE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF STUFF I SAID.**

**TA: eheheheh you LIITERALLY a2k me that every tiime are you jokiing.**

**TA: ii cant even tell anymore.**

**CG: IT'S A JOKE MORON.**

**CG: HONESTLY I'M JUST GLAD NOBODY ELSE IS PRIVVY TO OUR CONVERSATIONS.**

**CG: ACTUALLY WHY DON'T WE MAKE A PACT TO DELETE THIS ONE FROM OUR LOGS, I'M JUST SHUDDERING HERE SCROLLING UP AND READING THIS.**

**TA: yeah ok.**

Suddenly, there was a grumble from below. It sounded like someone downstairs was getting pretty crabby. This was not an encounter he was looking forward to. He'd probably put it off as long as he could manage.


	50. Book 4 Chapter 3: gallowsCalibrator

Chapter 3: gallowsCalibrator

And there went the narrative again. A young troll lady with red sesame-seed-shaped glasses stood in her colorful respiteblock with a box of chalk on the floor that lay open. Around were pieces of red, light green, and purple chalk. This girl had drawn a rather shitty-looking dragon on the wall that was severely smudged in some places. The girl herself had short but pointy horns, unlike Karkat, whose short horns were rather blunt. She had red shoes on and a black shirt and pants. The shirt had a cyan horological symbol of Libra on it.

Her name was Terezi Pyrope, and she was really enthusiastic about dragons. But she had a particular affection for their colored scales, which she gathered and used to decorate her hive one of the walls of her hive. Though she lived alone, deep in the woods, she surrounded herself with a variety of plush dragon pals known as Scalemates. She often spent her days with them in rounds of live action role playing, or LARPing. She had once engaged in various forms of more extreme role playing with some of her friends before she'd had an accident.

Terezi took an interest in justice, much like Libra was the scale upon which all was judged. She held a particular fascination for orchestrating the demise of the wicked. She'd taken up study of brutal Alternian law, and surrounded herself with legal books. She had no need for copies printed in trollbraille, because she could smell and taste the words. She hoped one day to join the honorable ranks of the Legislacerators. Her trolltag was **gallowsCalibrator**and she **SPOK3 W1TH TH3 NUM3R4LS TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS H4D ONC3 US3D.**

She was presently the leader of the red team, poised to begin a mysterious game with 5 other friends, in direct competition with another 6 of his friends, comprising the blue team.

Terezi decided to cut to the chase and begin LARPing immediately. It had been inevitable since the start of this chapter when the narrative switched. It was pretty hard to live action role play when there was no one who was alive nearby. But all of her Scalemates were alive to her. At least she pretended that to annoy people. She prepared a new campaign for one of her favorite scenarios, Courtblock Drama. His Honorable Tyranny presided. On trial was an especially detestable fellow, Senator Lemonsnout. She'd sparred with this scumbag before. Tonight he faced justice. She would play the role of the prosecuting attorney. On Alternia, there was no such thing as a defense attorney, or a defense. In a courtblock, even the word defense itself was offensive.

Terezi began the interrogation, most of which was in the intimidating silence. She walked up to the senator and knelt down before him. She grinned evilly and slapped the Scalemate hard across the face. She didn't want to slap too hard. Enough to sting, but not to bruise. It had to be methodical, business-like. And persistent. She only stopped when she smelled tears.

"Mr. Senator," she said to the yellow Scalemate, "you smell very nice. Your luscious yellow scales are like the sweetest gumdrops to the prosecution's nose..." She paused for dramatic effect, then continued, "But your deceit STINKS!" She pulled the toy's nose to her own and sniffed disgustedly.

"Did you honestly think you dip your corpulent snout into the imperial beetle coffers like that and get away with it? Did you think your revolting abuse of the public trust would go unnoticed? WELL, THINK AGAIN, GOOD SENATOR! While the prosecution may be blind, rest assured the league of Legislacerators sees all."

Terezi called for a witness and quickly stabbed a knife through a green Scalemate. She lay it on its back and drew blood pooling down it with red chalk. She turned back to the senator. "Oh, well played, Lemonsnout. _Well played_. The prosecution's key witness, murdered. _How convenient!_ The courtblock," she said, licking her lips, "has little choice but to acknowledge your cunning. You have earned just a teensy sliver of your respect back. For now.

"But wait… Oh my! What have we here?" There was a bag on the floor. "The prosecution begs your pardon, dear senator, but you appear to have dropped something. A personal satchel perhaps? _CHOCK FULL OF ILLICIT, EMBEZZLED BEETLES, WITH WHICH YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED CHEEK TO WALTZ BEFORE HIS TYRANNY, CONCEALED BENEATH YOUR ILL-BEGOTTEN FINERY?"_

Terezi turned to the troll judge drawn on the wall in red chalk. "The prosecution requests a short recess from His Honorable Tyranny so that all law-abiding and Mother Grub fearing citizens may go outside and _puke_."

As the prosecutor, it was her job to reach a final verdict and sentence the reprehensible felon, while His Tyranny watched in silence and submitted grim approval. But the troll girl took pity on the miserable bureaucrat. She was feeling merciful. She'd give him a fighting chance. She'd flip a double-headed Troll Caegar, a type of coin, to decide his fate. She did this quite often when making important decisions. Kind of like Batman's nemesis, Two-face. Or that guy from No Country for Old Men. It turned out there were a lot of badasses out there flipping coins. But those were Earth things anyway, and Terezi had never heard of them. It was safe to say he'd borrowed this gimmick from one of the many, many troll things out there that had hard-boiled dudes flipping coins for major stakes. She based the habit on whichever one smelled the most badass.

One side of the coin was heads and the other was also heads, but with a scratch in it. Terezi flipped it and it tumbled through the air. Lemonsnout was sweating bullets!

Finally, the coin landed with a plink. It was heads up, a favorable flip. The senator exhaled in relief.

"What are you so happy about, Senator Lemonsnout?" Terezi asked him.

He looked confused and quivered his lowly proboscis at the coin. See? It had exonerated him.

"Coin?" Terezi asked. "What coin? Surely you jest, Mr. Senator. The prosecution sees no coin." She smashed the senator's snout against her face and yelled at him loudly. "SHE'S BLIND, REMEMBER?"

The troll girl tied a white rope into a noose and slipped it around Lemonsnout's neck. She then tossed him out the window. His sorry snout got caught on something for a second. It had looked like… an arm? Too pale to be troll skin, of course, but it was the same shape. It stuck out of a mysterious blue portal in the air for a few seconds, and then disappeared.

Lemonsnout fell and the noose tightened around his neck, hanging him for eternity. Behind him sat a decimated pink Scalemate and a similarly ragged red one. In fact all around Terezi's hive, there were a variety of Scalemates, in all kinds of different colors, of course. As long as they tasted good.

Her hive was set at the top of a tree, so many of the plushies hung from branches around the pink leaves and blue-hued bark. There was even a net full of Scalemates hanging from a thick limb, suffice to say.

Another triumph for justice. The courtblock was adjourned. Terezi offered final salutations to His Honorable Tyranny in the customary manner, by licking the delicious chalk from his face. Ok, that was not customary at all. She was just kind of weird.

It was just that her red chalk was the most delicious chalk. She could not get enough of it. Anyone who said there was a more delicious chalk out there simply reeked of deceit.

She sure had had to go through a lot of trouble to get up to His Tyranny's level. She jumped off from the top of a pile of ten books and took her walking cane, which she used as a weapon, kind of like Earth Daredevil, of whom she'd never heard. She'd use it to wallop enemies when she entered The Medium. By pulling the parts of the stick apart, which were held together by string, and using it like a flail.

Terezi hopped on her computer. Her nose started scouring her chumproll through the saliva smears on her monitor for potential teammates so she could start playing. Hmm, no not her. Nope, not her either. DEFINITELY not _that_ guy.

Okay, how about this girl? Terezi liked to role play with her sometimes via chat. She pretended she was a member of the mysterious and noble Dragonyy'yd race while the girl did her own goofy thing. Terezi didn't have it in her heart to tell the girl that her own chat RPing was meant f4c3t1ously… oops, I mean, facetiously.

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****arsenicCatnip [AC]**

**GC: *GC L4NDS ON YOUR WH3LP1NG STOOP 4ND R4PS ON YOUR C4V3 W1TH H3R NOBL3 4ND 3L3G4NT T4LON***

**GC: *4ND ONC3 W1TH H3R M1GHTY SNOUT FOR GOOD M34SUR3***

**AC: :33 *ac saunters from her dark cave a little bit sl33py from the recent kill***

**AC: :33 *ac uses one of her mouths to lick the fresh blood off her paws***

**AC: :33 *and the other one to blow you a kiss!***

**GC: 8O**

**GC: *GC W1TH 4 M1GHTY WH1SK OF H3R M1GHTY T41L PLUCKS TH3 K1SS OUT OF TH3 41R M1GHT1LY***

**GC: *GC POCK3TS TH3 K1SS 1N H3R 3NCH4NT3D RUCKS4CK FOR L4T3R, TO DO SOM3TH1NG M4G1C4L, L1K3 M4K3 GOBL1N W1SH3S COM3 TRU3***

**AC: :33 *yes! ac finds that to be a most admirable use of a kiss!***

**AC: :33 *she thinks that goblin wishes n33d to come true too just like any other kind of purrsons wishes***

**AC: :33 *ac begs your pardon while she rips apart this tasty beast to prepare a meal for her cubs***

**GC: *GC 3Y3S THE B34ST HUNGR1LY 4ND M1GHT1LY***

**AC: :33 uh oh!**

**GC: *GC 3Y3S THE CUBS HUNGR1LY!***

**GC: *4ND M1GHT1LY***

**GC: *3SP3C14LLY M1GHT1LY***

**AC: :33 dont you dare!**

**AC: :33 i mean**

**AC: :33 *ac shouts dont you dare!***

**AC: :33 *indignantly***

**GC: *BUT 1T 1S TOO L4T3! GC SCOOPS UP 4 PLUMP CUB W1TH H3R GL1ST3N1NG M4J3ST1C T41L 4ND FL13S OFF M4G1C4LLY***

**GC: *TH3 1NNOC3NT CUB 1S CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG***

**AC: :33 *ac says noooooooo and looks a bit crestfallen***

**AC: :33 *ac gets a clever idea to slake the majestic dragons mighty hunger***

**AC: :33 *she prepares the lions share of the slain armored cholerbear for gc***

**GC: :? *GCS M4GN1F1C3NT CUR1OS1TY H4S B33N P3RK3D***

**GC: 1S 1T 4 BULL CHOL3RB34R?**

**GC: OOPS *SH3 4SK3D TH4T***

**AC: :33 *ac pawses a moment and nods knowingly with a couple of smug grins on her face***

**AC: :33 *she confirms it is ind33d the bulliest of bears!***

**GC: *GC 1NST4NTLY LOS3S 1NT3R3ST 1N TH3 PUNY CUB 4ND DROPS 1T TO TH3 GROUND F4R B3LOW!***

**AC: :33 *but as it happens the really cute cub lands in a bush safe and sound, whew!***

**GC: *GC'S 4L4RM1NG 4ND SPL3ND1F3ROUS G1RTH S3TTL3S OV3R THE SUCCUL3NT CHOL3RB34R ST34K***

**GC: *WH3N SH3 F1N1SH3S TH3 S4VORY R3D M34T SH3 L1FTS H3R PROUD W1S3 H34D 4ND OP3NS H3R GR34T B1G MOUTH 4ND SP34KS TH3 4NC13NT TONGU3 OF 4 THOUS4ND W1SDOMS***

**GC: *SH3 S4YS:***

**GC: H3Y DO YOU W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3 W1TH M3?**

**AC: :33 *ac crinkles up her nose and prepares for a really unprecedented marathon of baffling feline obstinacy***

**AC: :33 *her dragonyyydy suitor will make neither rhyme nor reason of her purrplexing behavior for even an instant!***

**GC: NO NO TH4T W4S 4 R34L QU3ST1ON**

**GC: W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3?**

**AC: :33 oh! h33h33**

**AC: :33 ok if you mean a computer game then yes that sounds like fun**

**GC: OK YOU C4N B3 ON MY T34M**

**AC: :33 team?**

**AC: :33 who else is playing?**

**GC: 1 H4V3NT D3C1D3D Y3T**

**GC: 4 WHOL3 BUNCH OF US 1N TWO T34MS**

**AC: :33 oh**

**AC: :33 well it does sound like it will be a lot of fun but i think i should get purrmission first**

**GC: BL4R!**

**GC: TH4TS SO STUP1D**

**GC: H3S NOT TH3 BOSS OF YOU**

**AC: :33 i know!**

**AC: :33 but still im kind of scared of him and i think purrhaps its best to just run it by him first so there isnt a kerfuffle about it or anything**

**GC: TH1S 1S STUP1D 1N SUCH 4 T3RR1BL3 MYR14D OF DUMB W4YS**

**GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 4FR41D OF 4NYON3**

**GC: YOU K1LL B1G 4NIM4LS W1TH YOUR B4R3 H4NDS!**

**GC: 4ND 1N 4NY C4S3 H3 L1V3S NOWH3R3 N34R YOU SO TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG 1S 3XTR4 STUP1D**

**AC: :33 i knooow**

**AC: :33 but i dont think itll be a big deal**

**AC: :33 ill just mention it casually and itll be fine im sure and then we can play in just a little bit!**

**GC: XO**

**GC: F11111N3**

**GC: 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 W1LL GO ROUND UP SOME MOR3 P3OPL3 TO PL4Y**

**AC: :33 k!**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3?**

**TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS!**

**GC: 8\**

**GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S!**

Gamzee and Terezi then proceeded to have the rest of the conversation we've already read. No luck in getting this guy to play with her right now either. She guessed that left…

Oh no. Not Karkat. She'd only been going to ask him as a last resort. Oh, and now he was trolling her too. She wondered what he wanted. She'd try to avoid mentioning the game. Hopefully he hadn't caught wind of it yet.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**CG: HEY GUESS WHAT, BIG NEWS.**

**CG: LIKE HOLY SHIT STOP THE PRESSES THIS IS A HUMONGOUS DEAL SORT OF NEWS.**

**GC: BL44444RRRRR WH4T 1S 1T**

**CG: YOU'RE NOT THE RED TEAM LEADER.**

**CG: THAT'S ME.**

**CG: I'M THE LEADER.**

**CG: IT'S BEEN DECIDED.**

**CG: ON AN OFFICIAL BASIS.**

**GC: OK SO 1 GU3SS 1M SUPPOS3D TO M4K3 4 B1G ST1NK 4BOUT TH1S 4ND S4Y W4H W4H 1 W4NT TO B3 TH3 L34D3R :[ :[ :[**

**CG: WHAT, NO.**

**CG: I MEAN YOU CAN BUT IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD BECAUSE I'M THE LEADER AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO EVACUATE THROUGH YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE ON THE MATTER.**

**GC: W3LL 1T M4Y SURPR1S3 YOU TO KNOW TH4T 1 DONT G1V3 4 CR4P WHO G3TS TO B3 L34D3R B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 4 FUCK1NG SM1DG3N OF M4TUR1TY 4ND S3LF R3SP3CT**

**CG: THAT'S A LIE, YOU'RE MORE OF A MELODRAMA SPAZ QUEEN THAN ME AND YOU KNOW IT AND THIS STUFF YOUR SAYING IS A PRETEND STUNT.**

**CG: YOU'RE LIKE A ROCKET PROPELLED SPAZ MAGGOT SPRINGLOADED UP THE ASS OF A PSYCHEDELIC FUCKING FREAKOUT WEASEL ON IDIOT DRUGS SO LETS NOT PLAY MAKEBELIEVE GAMES HERE.**

**CG: LEADER.**

**CG: ME.**

**GC: UUUUUUUUHNG**

**GC: K4RK4T 1 DONT C444R3**

**GC: YOU C4N B3 TH3 STUP1D L34D3R 1 JUST W4NT TO PL4Y TH1S G4M3**

**CG: OK, GREAT.**

**CG: IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION I HAVE SELECTED YOU TO BE MY SECOND IN COMMAND.**

**GC: R333334444LLY?**

**GC: SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON ;] 3 3 3**

**CG: FUCK YOU OFFER RESCINDED.**

**GC: OK BUT S3R1OUSLY**

**GC: 1 WOULD H4V3 SUGG3ST3D YOU B3 TH3 L34D3R BUT HON3STLY 1T COM3S W1TH S3R1OUS R3SPONS1B1L1T13S 4ND 1 W4SNT SUR3 1F YOU W3R3 UP TO 1T**

**CG: HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT.**

**CG: I'M AN INCREDIBLE LEADER WITH ALL KINDS OF PRIORITIZATION AND COMMAND SKILLS.**

**CG: I'M GOING TO ROCK THE COCK OFF THIS WEATHERVANE AND THE BLUE TEAM WILL WISH THEY NEVER SLITHERED OUT OF THE MOTHER GRUB'S HEINOUS UNDULATING ASSHOLE.**

**CG: SO JUST GIVE ME THE FULL BRIEFING, WHAT DO YOU KNOW.**

**GC: OK TH3 TH1NG YOU N33D TO KNOW 1S TH3 L34D3R ST4RTS OUT BY RUNN1NG THE CL13NT 4PPL1C4T1ON**

**GC: WH1L3 1 TH3 LOWLY S3COND OFF1C3R CONN3CTS TO YOU W1TH TH3 S3RV3R WH1L3 1 R3M41N G3N3R4LLY 1N 4W3 OF YOUR M4NLY GR4ND3UR**

**GC: 4ND 1 S1T 4T MY COMPUT3R DO1NG M3N14L CHOR3S 1N SUPPORT OF YOUR H3RO1C 3SC4P4D3S WH1CH HON3STLY 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34DY FOR BUT WH4T3V3R**

**CG: SEE THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: THIS IS WHAT I WAS MADE FOR.**

**CG: BEING IN CHARGE OF ADVENTURE, RUNNING AROUND AND STUFF, AND FUCKING SHIT UP LIKE A GODDAMN HERO WITH A RIPPERWASP IN HIS JOCK.**

**CG: LET'S GET CRACKING HERE.**

**CG: LAUNCH YOUR SERVER OR WHATEVER, I'LL INSTALL THE HERO PROGRAM.**

**GC: TH3 CL13NT**

**CG: YEAH.**

**GC: OK 1F YOU 1NS1ST**

**GC: F4R B3 1T FROM M3 TO STOP YOU FROM B31NG SO D4SH1NG 4ND COUR4G3OUS**

**GC: 4ND TO B3 P3RF3CTLY HON3ST 4 L1TTL3 B1T H4NDSOM3 :]**

**CG: YES, EXACTLY.**

**CG: NOW YOU ARE MAKING SENSE.**

**CG: THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT SANE PEOPLE SAY.**

**CG: KEEP AT IT, THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU YET.**

**GC: OK 1LL TRY**

**GC: 4NYTH1NG TO G3T YOU TO STOP B31NG SUCH 4 B4BY**

**CG: WHAT'S A BABY.**

**GC: OH**

**GC: 1TS L1K3 4 MYTH1C4L L1TTL3 P1NK MONK3Y**

**GC: SOM3TH1NG MY LUSUS DR34MS 4BOUT**

**CG: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ONE.**

**GC: 1 DONT**

**GC: Y3T**

**GC: 1M NOT 4LLOW3D TO**

**CG: WHY NOT?**

**CG: WHY HAVE YOU NEVER MENTIONED THIS ANYWAY?**

**CG: HONESTLY TEREZI IT SOUNDS LIKE MORE FROTHING LOONEYBLOCK NONSENSE.**

**GC: 1F 1 3V3R D1D H4V3 ON3 1T WOULD M34N TH3 WORLD W4S COM1NG TO 4N 3ND**

**CG: OH THANK GOD YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING NORMAL, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY THERE.**

**CG: WHEW BACK IN SANE LAND.**

**GC: 1TS TRU3! :P**

**GC: 1 DONT COMPL3T3LY UND3RST4ND 1T BUT TH4TS WH4T 1T TOLD M3**

**CG: WE NEED TO GET YOU OUT OF THAT FUCKING TREE AND INTO A PROPER GODDAMN LAWNRING.**

**CG: YOU'VE BEEN STUNTED LIVING UP THERE, BY THE WHISPERS OF FUCKING BARK GNOMES OR SOMETHING.**

**CG: I THINK ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS WAS JUST CULLED RECENTLY, MAYBE YOU COULD LIVE THERE.**

**GC: NO W4Y SCR3W L4WNR1NGS!**

**GC: MOR3 L1K3 Y4WNR1NGS**

**GC: 1 LOV3 MY TR33!**

**GC: BUT YOUR3 W3LCOM3 TO V1S1T SOM3 T1M3**

**GC: 1TS 3SP3C14LLY N1C3 1N TH3 TH1RD 4UTUMN**

**CG: OK WELL**

**CG: SPEAKING OF THAT**

**CG: I SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS AND DEAL WITH THIS GRUMPY CUSTOMER.**

**CG: IT'S GOING TO FONDLE MAJOR SEEDFLAP, BUT HOPEFULLY IT'LL BE QUICK.**

**CG: YOU CAN ESTABLISH YOUR CONNECTION AND DO YOUR TRIVIAL SIDEKICK STUFF I GUESS IN THE MEANTIME.**

**GC: OK! :D**

A little later, after the Knight of Blood's (that was Karkat, by the way) heroic arrival to the Land of Pulse and Haze, the young troll quickly crafted a new sickle, the homes smell ya later. Plus some other cool stuff. He stood next to his toilet outside of his hive which Terezi had built up and scribbled all over, saying things like "Durr" and "Karkat" with arrows pointing at a crudely drawn red face.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**CG: YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT.**

**CG: TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.**

**GC: NO 1 C4NT S33 YOU DUMB4SS**

**CG: OH YEAH.**

**CG: ANYWAY, PRESS YOUR NOSE AGAINST YOUR SLOBBERY SCREEN AND TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.**

**GC: SM3LLS PR3TTY T3RR1BL3!**

**CG: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK A HARD DRAG OF MY LOAD GAPER WHICH FOR SOME REASON I HAVE DISCOVERED OUTSIDE ON THIS LITTLE ISLAND.**

**GC: YOU M34N YOUR TO1L3T?**

**CG: WELL OOH LA LA.**

**CG: EXCUSE MY DISDAIN FOR YOUR BLUE BLOODED VERNACULAR.**

**GC: WH4T COLORS YOUR BLOOD?**

**CG: WHOA NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!**

**CG: SERIOUSLY WAS THAT A SERIOUS QUESTION?**

**CG: UNBELIEVABLE.**

**GC: 1 W1LL F1ND OUT SOM3 D4Y**

**CG: WHAT IS WITH YOUR OBSESSION WITH COLORS.**

**CG: IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU WASTE ALL MY HARD EARNED GRIST RAMBLING MY HIVE AROUND LIKE THAT NOT EVEN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FUCKING GATE.**

**CG: BUT THEN YOU GO AND SPEND IT ON AN UGLY PAINT JOB.**

**CG: I KILLED A LOT OF IMPS FOR THAT GRIST.**

**GC: K4RK4T, PL34S3**

**GC: DONT PR3T3ND YOU D1DNT 3NJOY GO1NG 4ROUND K1LL1NG TH1NGS**

**GC: 4ND TH4T YOU WOULDNT 3NJOY K1LL1NG 4 WHOL3 LOT MOR3**

**GC: PR4NC1NG 4ROUND W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 S1CKL3 B31NG 4LL 4DOR4BL3**

**CG: YEAH RIGHT.**

**CG: MORE LIKE...**

**CG: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.**

**CG: I'M PRANCING AROUND BEING THAT, OK?**

**GC: :]**

**CG: ANYWAY THIS IS AWFUL, THIS IS NO WAY FOR A LEADER TO BE TREATED.**

**GC: SORRY TH1S 1S WH4T YOU W4NT3D**

**GC: TH3 L34D3R 1S TH3 F1RST ON3 1N**

**GC: TH1S 1S WH4T TH3 L34D3R 1S SUPPOS3D TO DO**

**CG: NO, THIS IS NOT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR WHAT BULLSHIT IS.**

**CG: A LEADER SHOULDN'T BE AT THE MERCY OF THE HIVE RENOVATION WHIMSY OF A PSYCHOTIC BLIND GIRL.**

**CG: WHEN DO I GET THE CHANCE TO FUCK UP SOMEONE'S HIVE.**

**CG: I SHOULD BE THE NEXT ONE TO CONNECT TO A CLIENT.**

**GC: NO YOU C4NT!**

**GC: YOU H4V3 TO B3 TH3 L4ST ON3 TO CONNECT TO COMPL3T3 TH3 CH41N**

**CG: MORE LIES.**

**GC: TH1NK OF 1T TH1S W4Y**

**GC: 1M YOUR S3RV3R PL4Y3R SO PR1OR1TY H4S TO B3 ON M3 G3TT1NG 1N TH3 G4M3**

**GC: B3FOR3 1 G3T K1LL3D BY M3T3ORS**

**GC: 1N WH1CH C4S3 YOUD B3 SCR3W3D 1N TH3R3**

**GC: TH3N TH3 N3XT GUY COM3S 1N, TH3N TH3 N3XT**

**GC: 4ND YOU BR1NG TH3 L4ST ON3 1N**

**CG: WHOA WAIT, WHAT?**

**CG: METEORS?**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH METEORS.**

**GC: OH BOY YOU N33D TO G3T W1TH TH3 PROGR4M K4RK4T**

**GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO 44**

**CG: 44 WHAT?**

**GC: 4POC4LYPS34R1S3N SORRY**

**CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT.**

**GC: OR T4**

**GC: OR 4G 1 GU3SS**

**GC: OR C4**

**GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S**

**GC: 4S 1M F1ND1NG OUT**

**CG: WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANY OF THOSE DOUBLETALKING ASSHOLES.**

**GC: 1 C4NT!**

**GC: 1 GOTT4 ST3P OUT OF TH3 TR33 FOR 4 MOM3NT**

**GC: WH3N 1 COM3 B4CK 1 W1LL 3NT3R TH3 G4M3**

**GC: CY4!**

A little while before Karkat's entrance into the medium, a mysterious troll girl with blank white eyes floated through an underground cavern. She wore a long dark gray jacket over a black shirt with a red symbol of Aries on it. She had red lipstick and red eyeliner on, and her horns were curled and oddly shaped, like ram horns with little divots in the bottom, almost mimicking the horological symbol on her shirt. Her gray dress was ripped and full of holes and her socks were visible. They were long and white with red stripes along their top.

In front of her lay a crater surrounded by and filled with the remnants of ancient frog-worshipping civilization. A tall stone temple rose in the center of it all. The girl raised her hand and the head of the frog temple rose into the sky. Rubble fell all around the crater. She moved her hand in a throwing motion, tossing the head into the bottom of the crater and desecrating the temple.

She wasn't sure why she'd just done that, really. There'd probably turn out to be a reason. There was a reason for everything. Understanding this led her be reckless. Whoever she was…

A little later, somewhere else entirely, a pair of purple-and-blue-striped shoes stood in the mud next to a bottle of Faygo. A crab scuttled along nearby. A gray hand reached down to pick up the bottle. The hand had a ring with the astrological symbol of Aquarius on it along with another two rings.

There was a sigh. This was rubbish from the land dwellers. It made him sick. Whoever he was…

And later still, we return to the Land of Pulse and Haze so we can rewind a bit. Before all that paint got slopped on his hive and there wasn't a mysterious hole in the side of it. Man how did that hole get made? (I'll give you a hint: it was when Karkat ran **TA**'s cursed ~ATH and his computer blew up. That was what happened. We'll expect to see this happen later. It will be startling and unexpected)

Karkat walked down the stairs in his hive and confronted his custodian, which was another term for a frightening beast known as a Lusus Naturae.

His crustaceous white crab lusus had looked after him since he was very young in lieu of any biological parents, whom he had never known. No young troll ever knew his or her blood parents, nor could such lineage ever be accurately traced. Adult trolls supplied their genetic material to the filial pails carried by imperial drones and offered to the monstrous Mother Grub deep underground in the brooding caverns. She then combined all the genetic material into one diabolical incestuous slurry, and lay hundreds of eggs and once.

The eggs hatched into young larval trolls which wiggled about to locate a cozy stalactite from which to spin their cocoons. After they pupated, the young troll with his or her newfound limbs underwent a series of dangerous trials. If they survived, they were chosen by a member of the diverse and terrifying subterranean monster population native to Alternia. This creature became the troll's lusus, and together they surfaced a chose a location to build a hive. The building process was facilitated by carpenter droids left on the planet to cater to the young. But only for building. But only for building. They were on their own otherwise.

The vast majority of adult trolls were off-planet, serving some role in the forces of ongoing imperial conquest, besieging other star systems in the name of Alternian glory. The culture and civilization on the homeworld was maintained almost entirely by the young.

Wow! Trolls sure were weird.  
Karkat lept into a domestic fray in an attempt to mollify his nannying aggressor. After a lot of kicking and fussing and gnashing of teeth and carapace, he just pulled a few chilled roe cubes from the fridge to settle the beast down.

Trolls and their custodians had a peculiar arrangement of codependence. The lusus behaved as a lifelong bodyguard, caretaker, and visceral sort of mentor, while the young troll had to learn to function as a sort of zookeeper.

This conflict was not a big enough deal to warrant a detailed examination of the action. After all, we are in a bit of a hurry. If you want, you can just close your eyes, and imagine what it must have been like.

Wow, that sure was awesome. Anyway, moving on…


	51. Book 4 Chapter 4: twinArmageddons

Chapter 4: twinArmageddons

In fact, we're in such a hurry, you could almost say we need to get moving… A young troll with four horns and a shirt with the symbol of Gemini stood in his respiteblock. One of his eyes was red and the other was blue. He put his glasses on and finished that first sentence.

"... on the _double_," he said. Okay, so there was this pretty cool dude, ok? Or, at least, some people seemed to think he was cool. Sometimes. He guessed they were right. I mean, maybe. If they said so. Actually, you know what? They were right. This guy was dynamite lit in a box of hot shit. Screw the haters.

Anyway, he was standing around being all chill, like cool dudes were known to do sometimes, when they weren't moping around or nursing migraines or whatever. A cool dude like this probably had a real cool name. Or at least a name that didn't fucking completely suck. Like at least not the kind of name that belonged to someone he'd want to perpetually wail on. Maybe just a name that made him cringe a little, but he guessed he could deal with it if he had to. It was just a guy's name; it wasn't like it really mattered. Who cared? But he probably would just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way two moody for that. In fact, this guy probably thought you had some attitude and didn't want a damn thing to do with you. You could always try to guess his name.

"But instead of that," the troll said angrily, "here's a better idea. Why don't you just fuck off and go to hell!"

Okay then, dude. Whatever you say. Here, let's name this kooky broad instead.

She wore a blue helmet over her long, flowing hair, had two sharp teeth, and long eyelashes. Medium-sized pointy horns stuck out of her head. She wore a long green jacket that touched the floor over her black shirt with the green astrological symbol of Leo. A blue tail stuck out through the back of her jacket and she had blue shoes on as well. She was definitely a cat troll.

Okay, what was her name?

Wait… you've got to be kidding me… it looks like the narrative is switching back to that other guy again. Alright, hang on…

It appeared that this cool and moody dude had had a change of heart. He felt pretty bad about flying off the handle like that, as if shit wanted nothing to do with the handle. Shit would like to reconcile with the handle, and perhaps seek marital counseling.

Okay, anyway, what was his name gonna be? Sollux Captor? Yup, that was his name.

Sollux was apeshit bananas at computers, and he knew all the codes. All of them. He was the unchallenged authority on apiculture networking. And though all his friends recognized his unparalleled achievements as a totally sick hacker, he felt like he could do better. It was one of the number of things he sort of beat himself up about for no very good reason during sporadic and debilitating bipolar mood swings.

He had a penchant for bifurcation, in logic and in life. One of his curtains was red and the other blue. Hell, even his recuperacoon had two entrances, one of which contained red slime and the other blue instead of the usual green sopor slime that everyone else had.

Sollux's mutant mind was hounded by the psychic screams of the imminently diseased. His visions foretold of Alternia's looming annihilation, and yet, unlike the typical sightless prophet of doom, he was gifted with vision twofold… for now.

He had developed a new game, adapted via code parsed from the runes and glyphs in an ancient, underground temple. He believe this game to be the salvation of his race, although he didn't know how yet. To ensure success, he'd distribute the game to two teams of friends, a red team and a blue team. He would lead the latter group. His trolltag was **twinArmageddons** and he **tended two 2peak wiith a biit of a lii2p.**

Sollux briefly considered equipping the ninja stars in the back of his respiteblock and allocating them with his strife specibus, but quickly through the idea out the 12-paneled window. A high level psionic had no use for any particular specibus allocation.

He made short work of the specibus and flung the throwing stars to the side. It slashed one of the beehouse mainframes he had in his room. The silicomb had been sliced clean through by his foolish maneuver. What had he been thinking? The worker bees paired up and danced angry message to Sollux in beenary code.

He looked at the honey on his hands, wondering if he could just taste it a bit… No! He did not under any circumstances eat the mind honey. The consequences were highly unpleasant. Sollux cultivated it for his lusus, helping the guardian not be such a complete idiot all the time. Merely most of the time instead.

He 2napped his fingers and the bees all fell asleep.

Sollux sat at his computer. He was always up to his nook in the newest and hottest games. It was hard to walk around the place without squishing the silly grubs. Whenever that happened he was screwed, and he had to grow a new one from scratch. Or just pirate it he guessed.

But tonight was no night for games. Well, ok, it was. But just one game in particular, and this game was no joking matter. It was delirious bugnasty.

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**TA: TZ you want two be the leader of one of the team2?**

**GC: YOU M34N FOR YOUR G4M3 TO S4V3 TH3 WORLD?**

**TA: yeah.**

**GC: OK 1 P1CK TH3 R3D T34M! 8D**

**TA: ok ii diidnt 2ay anythiing about a red team, or even that there were two team2, but fiine.**

**GC: OBV1OUSLY YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO S3T UP R3D 4ND BLU3 T34MS COM3 ON**

**TA: you dont know what iim goiing two do, 2top beiing a2 though you can read my miind.**

**TA: iit2 not a power you have, your 2trength2 are beiing bliind and triickiing people about 2tuff.**

**TA: and ii gue22 beiing generally 2avvy and pretty decent at other 2tuff, but that2 why iim piickiing you and not 2ome other fuckiing 2chlub from retardatiion row.**

**GC: SOLLUX, PL34S3**

**GC: YOU 4R3 MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST 4ND 3V3RYON3 KNOWS THOS3 4R3 YOUR F4VOR1T3 FL4VORS**

**GC: 3V3N THOUGH YOU TYP3 1N YUCKY MUST4RD**

**GC: WH1CH 1S W31RD :\**

**TA: maybe there ii2 more two me than you thiink.**

**TA: maybe ii am not the two triick hoofbea2t you want two make me out a2.**

**TA: maybe ii ju2t want two giive the red and blue thiing a re2t for a change and not make iit 2o iit2 liike, oh look iit2 that prediictable fuck wiith tho2e two 2tupiid color2, iit2 amaziing how much everyone fuckiing hate2 hiim.**

**TA: maybe red and blue arent that great and ii hate them 2uddenly, have you thought of that.**

**TA: maybe iim more of an aubergiine guy plu2 whatever that putriid color is you type wiith, what ii2 that, turqoii2e?**

**TA: maybe iit2 makiing me turquea2y.**

**TA: maybe the new name for that color ii2 2ummer 2hiithead mii2t, have you con2iidered that?**

**TA: but iim 2tiickiing wiith red and blue 2o maybe you 2hould 2uck on iit.**

**GC: M4YB3 M4YB3 M4YB3**

**GC: M4YB3 M4YB3 1S 4 STUP1D WORD**

**GC: M4YB3 TH4TS TH3 B1G M4YB3 W3 SHOULD 4LL POND3R TON1GHT**

**GC: OV3R SOM3 HOT SHUT TH3 H3LL UP T34**

**GC: SO YOU TH1NK 1M S4VVY? :]**

**TA: yeah ii thiink 2o.**

**TA: piick out whoever you want for the red team and iill lead the blue team.**

**TA: iill 2end you the download 2oon, talk two you later.**

**GC: W41T!**

**GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD T3LL M3 MOR3 4BOUT TH3 G4M3 F1RST?**

**GC: HOW 3X4CTLY 4R3 W3 S4V1NG TH3 WORLD?**

**TA: ii dont know yet.**

**TA: ii ju2t know what iive 2een iin my vii2iion2.**

**TA: that the world wiill end and our whole race diie2 and thii2 ii2 how we 2ave iit.**

**TA: and aa can back me up on thii2 2o dont be all doubtiing me about iit.**

**GC: 1 4M NOT DOUBT1NG YOU**

**GC: 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 R1GHT!**

**GC: MOSTLY**

**TA: mo2tly, what doe2 that mean?**

**GC: W3LL WH3N YOU T4LK 4BOUT HOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO D13 TOO**

**TA: ii am goiing two diie.**

**TA: ii mean we all are.**

**TA: but e2peciially me.**

**TA: ii am goiing two get my a22 2erved two me twofold.**

**TA: double the 2erviice.**

**TA: liike two dude2 on doublebutler ii2land.**

**TA: gettiing worked over by a 2iiame2e twiin ma22eu2e.**

**TA: but before ii diie, iim goiing two go bliind liike you.**

**TA: iit ha2 two happen liike that.**

**TA: iim not 2ure why, but ii thiink iit2 liike...**

**TA: fulfiilliing 2ome requiirement for a true prophet of doom.**

**TA: iin order for the vii2iion2 two be riight, that ha2 two happen, and the uniiver2e wiill make 2ure iit wiill.**

**TA: iit2 kiind of liike how a prophet earn2 hii2 2triipe2, by beiing bliind, liike how an angel earn2 iit2 wiing2.**

**GC: WH4TS 4N 4NG3L**

**TA: 2ome terriible mythiical demon.**

**TA: wiith the2e awful feathery wiing2.**

**GC: Y1K3S**

**TA: paradox 2pace u2e2 them two u2her iin the end.**

**GC: HOW DO3S 1T KNOW WH4T 4NG3L TO US3... ...**

**TA: huh?**

**GC: :?**

**TA: 2o yeah.**

**TA: we wiill all diie but mo2t e2peciially me, end of 2tory.**

**GC: BUT**

**GC: DONT T4K3 TH1S TH3 WRONG W4Y BUT HOW C4N YOU B3 TOT4LLY SUR3 4BOUT 4LL TH4T?**

**GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW SOM3 OF TH3 R34L V1S1ONS YOUR3 H4V1NG 4R3NT G3TT1NG K1ND OF T4NGL3D UP W1TH UHHH**

**GC: SORT OF TH3 W4Y YOU 4R3 4BOUT YOURS3LF**

**TA: what do you mean.**

**GC: HOW YOU G3T MOP3Y 4ND YOUR3 4LW4YS TH3 V1CT1M OF SOM3TH1NG 4ND HOW SOM3T1M3S YOU TH1NK YOU SUCK WH3N YOU R34LLY DONT**

**GC: M4YB3 TH4T 1S CLOUD1NG YOUR V1S1ON?**

**TA: ok that2 ju2t 2ome per2onal priivate emotiional ii22ue2 and iim dealiing wiith that, and hone2tly iid appreciiate you not alway2 throwiing that iin my face every goddamn opportuniity you get.**

**TA: liike thii2 ii2 a biig ciircu2 act two you, and that ii2 your 2peciial clown piie.**

**GC: S33, GOD**

**GC: SO S3NS1T1V3**

**TA: 2eriiou2ly talk two aa 2he wiill corroborate everythiing.**

**TA: you and 2he are pretty tiight arent you?**

**GC: NOT R34LLY 4NYMOR3**

**GC: SH3 US3D TO B3 4 LOT OF FUN**

**GC: BUT NOW T4LK1NG TO H3R, 1 DONT KNOW**

**GC: 1T JUST SOM3HOW 4LW4YS M4K3S M3 S4D :[**

**TA: ok well toniight2 not about fun, thii2 ii2 2eriiou2.**

**TA: deliiriiou2ly 2o.**

**TA: we are iin 2meariiou2 2hiit2taiin ciity.**

**GC: SCR3W YOU 4ND YOUR SH1TST41NS**

**GC: 1 W1LL H4V3 4 FUCK1NG BL4ST 4ND YOU C4NT STOP M3**

**GC: BLU3 T34M 2222222CUM :]**

**TA: oh 2h11t 11t2 onnnnnn 2uck4.**

The mysterious Aries girl floated to the top of the frog statue and knocked the headless frog to the ground. Okay, that had been completely meaningless. What had been the point of that? Whoever she was…

Sollux looked at his computer. He was being trolled by **AA**.

**apocalypseArisen [AA]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**AA: did y0u set up the teams**

**TA: 2tiill workiing on iit but yeah more or le22.**

**TA: we 2hould all be playiing 2oon.**

**TA: and ii gue22 leaviing thii2 diimen2iion.**

**TA: that ii2 what happen2, riight?**

**AA: yes**

**TA: 2o ii gue22 you 2hould be pretty happy when we fiinally get out of here?**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w ab0ut that**

**TA: oh.**

**TA: wiill you at lea2t be able two leave the voiice2 behiind?**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w ab0ut that either**

**TA: ii2nt that kiind of depre22iing?**

**TA: the thought that they miight 2tay wiith you tiil you diie?**

**AA: n0t really**

**AA: im 0k with it**

**AA: im 0k with a l0t 0f things**

**AA: even 0ur inevitable failure**

**AA: th0ugh it will briefly masquerade as vict0ry**

**TA: wow FUCK.**

**TA: that wa2 2o much more depre22iing than the thiing ii ju2t 2aiid.**

**TA: terezii wa2 riight, you are 2uch a drag two talk two the2e day2.**

**AA: she was right ab0ut a l0t 0f things**

**TA: wow what a my2teriiou2 thiing two 2ay, ii am 2o iintriigued.**

**TA: do me a favor and 2pare me your 2pooky conundrum2 twoniight, youre kiind of pii22iing me off.**

**AA: but y0u like t0 talk t0 me**

**AA: this a fact n0t a questi0n**

**AA: they t0ld me**

**TA: oh your 2ource2 have 2poken!**

**TA: relay a me22age for me, tell them two go haunt my huge creakiing bone bulge.**

**AA: why d0 y0u like t0 talk t0 me**

**TA: oh ii dont know, maybe becau2e we are 2uppo2ed two 2ave the world twogether?**

**TA: ii al2o talk two you becau2e iin ca2e you havent notiiced ii de2pii2e my2elf and perpetually 2eek two dupliicate through emotiional paiin the cacophony of phy2iical paiin my hiideou2 mutant braiin cau2e2 me every day.**

**TA: oh my god ii ju2t had a breakthrough!**

**TA: thank you 2o much for thii2, iit wa2 great.**

**TA: that wa2 a joke, here type "ha".**

**AA: ha**

**TA: now type iit agaiin.**

**AA: ha**

**TA: there you go, you are now offiiciially the liife of the party.**

**TA: eheheh ii ju2t took an embarra22iing viideo of you cuttiing loo2e there, boy ii 2ure hope thii2 juiicy nugget doe2nt wiind up on the iinternet!**

**AA: 0_0**

**AA: s0llux i actually w0uld like it if you were happy**

**TA: ok. thank you for 2ayiing 2o.**

**AA: y0u seem sad and angry all the time**

**AA: what d0es anger feel like**

**AA: i f0rg0t**

**TA: have you ever been angry?**

**TA: ii dont remember you gettiing angry about anythiing.**

**AA: maybe i never was**

**AA: i feel like i was th0ugh**

**AA: 0nce**

**TA: why dont you a2k karkat, he2 way angriier than me.**

**TA: for that matter why dont you get on HII2 ca2e about iit iin2tead of MIINE.**

**AA: i think his anger serves a greater purp0se**

**AA: its part 0f his destiny and thus 0urs**

**AA: it will help him t0 sab0tage his 0wn designs**

**AA: which are very much in 0pp0siti0n t0 the br0ader purp0se**

**AA: and will s0w the seeds 0f 0ur failure**

**AA: a failure which will ir0nically pr0ve t0 be missi0n critical**

**TA: iif you thiink we are goiing two faiil why wouldnt you get mad about that?**

**TA: at the voiice2 2endiing you down thii2 bliind alley the whole tiime?**

**AA: they never lied th0ugh**

**AA: this is h0w it had t0 be**

**AA: i have t0 be t0tally h0nest**

**AA: th0ugh at n0 p0int did i ever lie**

**AA: but thr0ugh 0missi0n**

**AA: this game will n0t save the w0rld**

**TA: the fuck?**

**AA: and th0ugh it is still very imp0rtant even in 0ur defeat**

**AA: unf0rtantely it is much cl0ser t0 serving as the instrument 0f 0ur pe0ples demise than that 0f their salvati0n**

**AA: and we twelve will behave simultane0usly as the pawns and the 0rchestrat0rs of the great und0ing**

**TA: ii dont want two play anymore then.**

**AA: y0u will th0ugh**

**TA: fuck that ju2t watch, thii2 2hiit ii2 du2ted.**

**TA: check me out, all du2tiing iit liike a 2aucy fuckiin maiid.**

**AA: it cann0t be st0pped**

**AA: mete0rs are en r0ute**

**AA: y0u kn0w this s0llux**

**TA: who care2, iim yankiing the grubtube on thii2 overpunctured biitch.**

**TA: iim telliing red team leader two forget the whole thiing.**

**TA: iim quiittiing a2 blue team leader.**

**TA: iif you want two 2hamble through thii2 macabre fanta2y of your2 2olo be my gue2t.**

**AA: y0u were never g0ing t0 be the team leader th0ugh**

**AA: which is t0 say**

**AA: the first t0 enter**

**TA: are you me22iing wiith me?**

**TA: you do realiize iim p2ychiic two.**

**TA: ii could pull 2o much triippy 2hiit out of my 2piinal creviice, iit would make your head 2piin liike dervii2h iin a fuckiing blender.**

**TA: 2o GET OFF YOUR HIIGH HOOFBEA2T.**

**AA: im c0ming up**

**TA: huh?**

**TA: up where.**

**TA: hello?**

Sollux trolled Terezi and Karkat to tell them about the change of plan.

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore.**

**TA: you dont have two bother recruiitiing, 2orry two wa2te your tiime.**

**GC: 1M NOT TH3 L34D3R 4NYMOR3**

**GC: K4RK4T 1S**

**TA: he ii2?**

**GC: H3 THR3W 4 T4NTRUM 4BOUT 1T SO 1 L3T H1M B3 TH3 R3D L34D3R**

**TA: ok that wa2 faiirly prediictable but that2 fiine.**

**TA: iill talk two hiim about iit.**

**GC: WH4TS GO1NG ON?**

**TA: nothiing, thii2 game 2uck2 and aa ii2 full of crap.**

**TA: 2orry about all thii2.**

**GC: :?**

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore.**

**CG: HEY.**

**CG: GUESS WHO THE RED LEADER IS?**

**CG: I'M THE LEADER. IT'S ME.**

**CG: YOUR PLAN TO CRIPPLE YOUR RIVAL TEAM HAS FAILED.**

**TA: ii know, 2he told me, ii dont care.**

**TA: the game ii2 bad new2, iit wiill cau2e the end of the world, not 2top iit.**

**TA: 2o forget iit, ju2t go back two whatever you were doiing.**

**TA: wriitiing your 2hiitty code or whatever.**

**CG: HAHAHA! SO PATHETIC.**

**CG: THIS IS YET ANOTHER FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO WEAKEN YOUR OPPOSITION.**

**CG: TEREZI AND I HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED A CONNECTION AND WE ARE MAKING GREAT PROGRESS HERE.**

**CG: WE ARE A GREAT TEAM, AND I AM A FANTASTIC LEADER.**

**CG: WE WILL BEAT THIS GAME IN NO TIME, WHILE YOUR TEAM IS CLEARLY STILL ASLEEP AT THE THORAX.**

**TA: oh god.**

**TA: no you iidiiot, ii dont care about the game anymore.**

**TA: ii ju2t quiit, iim not playiing, you 2hould two.**

**CG: AMAZING.**

**CG: YOU'RE EITHER BEING REALLY PERSISTENT WITH THIS TRANSPARENT RUSE, OR YOU REALLY ARE JUST THAT SAD AND INCOMPETENT.**

**CG: NEITHER CASE DESERVES MY RESPECT OR MY FRIENDSHIP.**

**CG: IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT, FRIENDSHIP CANCELED.**

**CG: THERE IT'S OFFICIAL, BYE BYE FRIENDSHIP!**

**TA: oh liike you havent 2aiid that liike a biilliion tiime2.**

**TA: you arent iin any po2iitiion two que2tiion my competence.**

**TA: youre the wor2t programmer iive ever 2een, you dont know anythiing about computer2, why do you bother.**

**TA: the only thiing youre good at ii2 yelliing and makiing huge mii2take2.**

**TA: and beiing UGLY AND HORRIIBLE IN EVERY WAY, AND HAVIING 2TUPIID LIITTLE NUBBY HORN2.**

**CG: TO BE HONEST I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT YOUR PROGRAMMING OR HACKING.**

**CG: WHAT IS A HACKER EVEN? JUST SOME SMUG ASSHOLE IN MOVIES DOING FAKE THINGS AND MAKING UP WORDS.**

**CG: IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL THING TO BE, IT'S JUST SOME BULLSHIT TITLE YOU GAVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN FEEL JUST A TINY BIT LESS LOATHESOME.**

**TA: oh no, more chiildii2h burn2, ii dont have two prove anythiing two you, iim a great hacker, periiod.**

**CG: NO IT'S ALL SO CLEAR NOW, YOU WERE A FRAUD ALL ALONG.**

**CG: WHAT DOES ALL THIS NONSENSICAL CODE YOU WROTE EVEN DO?**

**CG: IT'S ALL NONSENSE.**

**CG: LIKE A BLUFF. YOU JUST SAY, OH KARKAT WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT I WROTE IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE HE'S TOO DUMB TO FIGURE IT OUT.**

**CG: WELL YOU'RE BUSTED, THESE VIRUSES HERE I BET DO NOTHING AT ALL.**

**TA: waiit, KK...**

**CG: I BET IF I RAN THEM NOTHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN.**

**CG: MIGHT EVEN IMPROVE MY COMPUTER'S PERFORMANCE!**

**TA: no don't.**

**CG: HOW ABOUT THIS IDIOTIC PROGRAM WITH THE RED AND BLUE CODE, WHICH IS A MEANINGLESS THING TO DO WITH CODE ANYWAY.**

**CG: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SCAMS.**

**CG: WHY NOT SNEAK SOME BAD CLIP ART INTO THE FILES TOO, AND PRETEND THAT'S CODE?**

**TA: oh god, no dont run that, iim 2eriiou2.**

**CG: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?**

**TA: iim not 2ure, but iit would be really, really bad iif you ran iit, ju2t dont.**

**CG: AH HA. JUST AS I THOUGHT, YOU CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A GOOD LIE WHEN I PRESS YOU ON IT.**

**CG: YOUR BLUFF HAS BEEN CALLED.**

**CG: COMPILING AS WE SPEAK, IT WILL AUTORUN WHEN IT FINISHES.**

**CG: AND NOW I HAVE TO GO ATTEND TO SOMETHING OUTSIDE, BECAUSE TEREZI IS DOING SOMETHING JUST UNSPEAKABLY STUPID RIGHT NOW.**

**CG: WHOOPS, FORGET I SAID THAT. IT WAS PRIVILEGED INFORMATION.**

**TA: you are the dumbe2t grubfucker on the planet, ii 2wear.**

**CG: LATER DOUCHE BAG.**

**TA: KK DO NOT RUN THAT CODE.**

**TA: hello?**

**carcinoGeneticist's [CG'S]** **computer exploded. **

**TA: oh my god.**

Karkat walked out onto where the Alchemiter sat and looked out to the toilet far out in the lava. Suddenly the entire house shook with the force of an explosion. We are highly shocked by this totally unexpected new development.

The troll boy walked down to the front of his house and looked sadly at his dead lusus lying on the ground. The unprototyped kernelsprite flew above him and spouted gibberish, but Karkat didn't pay attention.

He and his friends and everyone they would ever meet thereafter would experience great misfortune on account of the curse unwittingly implemented through Sollux's esoteric Mobius Double Reacharound virus.

Every troll's lusus would soon die. All but one of their kernelsprites would be prototyped with a dead lusus, each prior to entering the Medium. Upon entry, they would each have a bittersweet reunion with the creature after the kernel hatched, triggering the sprite's metamorphosis. For the first time, the trolls would be able to have verbal conversations with their custodians, and would be guided by them along their journeys.

Unfortunately, the underlings and the warring royalty would gain the benefits of the monstrous prototypings as well. Each sprite, except for one, would only be prototyped once. The players would learn quickly that while one pre-entry prototyping per player was absolutely necessary for ultimate success, additional pre-entry prototypings merely empowered their enemies unnecessarily.

Elsewhere, on a beach, Gamzee nuzzled his dead sea goat custodian's head affectionately.

The game had no explicit rule that demanded something dead for prototyping, but in practice, the kernelsprite had particular attraction to the deceased or doomed. Across every session ever played, exceptions to this pattern were extremely rare.

Sollux smashed his fist against the side of his head. Why had he even sent Karkat that code to begin with? It'd been such a bad idea. He supposed it had been a boastful gesture to get a friend to think more highly of him. But why would flaunting his superior skills accomplish this? It was foolish.

He ought to wipe all these clever viruses he'd written off his computer. They could only bring more trouble.

While deleting his virus folders, he paused on one oddball file he had lying around. He had not written this virus. Rather, he'd copied it from some obscure server, far beyond his planet's global network. This application was running on that server perpetually. It read:

import universe(U);

~ATH(U) {

} EXECUTE(X);

();

Except where it says "X" as the executable program, his screen instead showed a .gif file that flipped through all of the pool balls from 1 to 15.

The program itself was extremely simple. Its main loop was tied to the lifespan of the universe. When the universe died, the mysterious subprogram, X, would be executed. Sollux had no way of knowing what that subprogram did. It ran on a protected part of the server that was completely unhackable.

He deleted the file, but it didn't do much good. The program was already running elsewhere. Luckily, whatever harm it would do would not be done for many billions of years. And even after that, what harm could a virus do after the expiration of the universe? This file had always struck Sollux as quite odd.

But Sollux, even with his vision twofold, did not have the perceptional luxuries of our vision omnipresent. We observe the Furthest Ring and, within it, a small green remote control with the image of the pool balls.

When executed, this remote would summon an indestructible demon into the roughly voided universe. This monstrous being with the power to travel through time was inconvenienced very little by his arrival upon The Great Undoing. He had the entire cadaver of the expired universe to pick apart at his whim. From its birth through its swelling maturity and tapering decay. In a reality, he was known to have marked for predation, he would go about assembling followers through various epochs, even going as far as personally establishing the parameters for his future summoning.

Sollux couldn't have known that the virus was essentially a formality. The demon was already here.

Sollux looked up at his ceiling as some mumbling resonated from above. It sounded like his lusus was agitated about something up there. The troll had already given him his serving of honey for today. If he thought he could get more, well that was just being greedy. Sollux wondered what could be bothering him.

He kept his enormous biclops chained to the roof of his communal hive stem. It was the only place there was room for him. Dueling with him on the roof during feeding time was a daily ordeal.

The biclops growled suspiciously as a troll girl with a red symbol of Aries on her shirt floated up to where he stood on the roof.

Suddenly, the narrative shifted to one of the five unknown troll girls. This one's horn was slightly crooked and had thick black eyeliner and black lipstick. Her black shirt had a green symbol of Virgo on it, and she had a red skirt on as well. She held a chainsaw in one hand and she stood on her flying Mother Grub lusus.

She was positioned near her white tower, which was somewhat like Jade's, in her oasis next to the ruins of an ancient civilization.

Suddenly, the narrative shifted _yet again_ away from the girl (or any of the other five, for that matter) to a strange guy sitting in a wheelchair.


	52. Book 4 Chapter 5: adiosToreador

Chapter 5: adiosToreador

The dude in the four-wheeled device had two large horns that stuck far out to the sides and then went up like a bulls'. He wore a black jacket over his shirt, which had an orange astrological symbol of Taurus on it. And as it so happened, his name was similar to Taurus. It was Tavros Nitram.

Tavros was known to be heavily arrested by fairy tales and fantasy stories. He had an acute ability to commune with the many creatures of Alternia, a skill he'd utilized to capture and train a great many. They were all his friends, as well as his warriors, which he pitted in battle against each other through a variety of related card and role playing games. He'd engaged in various forms of more extreme role playing with of his friends before he'd had an accident.

He also liked to engage in the noble practice of Alternian slam poetry, possibly the oldest, most revered, and certainly the freshest artform in his planet's rich history. He had a profound fascination with the concept of flight, and all lore surround the topic. He believed in fairies as well, although they weren't real. His trolltag was **adiosToreador**, and he **uHH, sPOKE IN A SORT OF, uHH, fALTERING MANNER,**

Tavros cut to the chase and kickstarted a rousing match of Fiduspawn, with the only friend he had to play with in person, his loyal lusus Tinkerbull. The white monster was about the size of his head.

He looked at the favorable hand he'd dealt himself and cracked a mischievous smile. With a host plush at the ready, he quickly lobbed an Oogonibomb and caught his adversary off guard! The bomb landed the ground with a "pyoof" and cracked open. A purple spider creature emerged from the slimy wreckage and lunged at an orange-and-red bear called a host plush. It latched on to the thing and inserted its eggs inside. The plush grew and its stomach began to bulge before bursting open and revealing another purple creature. This one was horse-like.

"Horsaroni, I choose you!" he exclaimed excitedly. With a brooding whinny, Horsaroni shuffled his mighty purple hooves and made short work of the spider, called a fidusucker. It boosted the horse's vitals! Horsaroni was now primed and ready for battle. "Look out Tinkerbull!"

Tavros used his awesome bestial communion abilities and bent the ferocious stallion to his whim. Tinkerbull couldn't stand the suspense! Horsaroni reared as if to attack, but then curled up on the floor. Nap time! Tinkerbull joined him as well. Everybody won. Horsaroni gained a bunch of levels. In no time he'd be ready to breed and Tavros could put him out to stud.

Tavros clapped appreciatively. "Good game, everyone," he said. "That was a lot of fun." Time to do some other stuff, he guessed.

He rolled up the ramp that he used to get up to his recuperacoon when it was time to rest. Because he was paralyzed from the waist down, it was kind of a production getting in and out. He hopped in, but his huge horns got caught on the edges of the entrance hole, as usual. He could never fit all the way in, which made it difficult to get some solid shuteye.

Oh great, now he was covered in slime. Why had he done this? He was going to have to change his clothes. Another solid hour, down the tubes. Aw damn. And there went his four wheel device down the ramp. That happened a lot.

A bit later, after a major cleanup rigmarole and a lot of crawling around his respiteblock, Tavros was back in his wheelchair. He grabbed his jousting lance and put it in his lancekind specibus.

He liked to practice his jousting outside. One day he hoped to prove himself worthy of recruitment into the halls of the dreaded Cavalreapers. Assuming he wasn't slated for culling first on account of his disability. Or really any other arbitrary reason.

Someone was trolling him, but he didn't notice.

He wheeled over to his favorite poster featuring Pupa Pan, which was his favorite thing. He'd always fantasized that one day intrepid young Pupa would come and take him away and together they'd fly to a beautiful paradise planet of legend, that had all sorts of fanciful stuff like pirates, treasure, a cruel villain with a missing arm and a missing eye, and these weird aliens called "indians." He'd left his window open since he was very young, just in case Pupa stopped by one night and decided to splash a pinch of Special Stardust in his face. He'd had this interest long prior to his accident. Being paralyzed wasn't what had made his want to be able to fly. That would have been dumb and it made no sense. Being paralyzed did sort of make him want to be able to walk, though.

Way in the future, Tavros stood in a computer lab. Over the course of his long journey, at one point he'd been fitted with a cool pair of robolegs. The guy who liked to build robots had built them for him. But then, he did like to break them more than he liked to build them. It was usually why he built them in the first place. Occasionally, though, he allowed philanthropy to override misanthrobopy.

He'd been lucky enough to have a friend who didn't mind getting her hands dirty on account of his best interest. A smiling but still crippled Tavros lay on the ground, a smile on his face, unbothered by the sound of a chainsaw roaring. A troll girl in a red skirt and with one droopy horn stood over him with the weapon in hand. Behind both of them, a pair of shades belonging to a troll with a dark blue zodiac symbol of Sagittarius watched as the troll girl cut the sleeping Tavros's legs off. This was the troll who liked to build robots. It always made everyone uncomfortable whenever he would just stand there. And watch.

Sometime in the future (more specifically exactly at the time mentioned in the first paragraph), in the computer lab, Tavros was surrounded by three of his friends. They were all talking feverishly. They were comprised of Gamzee, Karkat, and the cat troll girl that the narrative had shifted to before Sollux's introduction. Who was she?

The narrative cut back to the cat troll girl. Okay. Good. Now what was her name?

Oh god, another shift. Back to Tavros. In the past again. Right, someone had been bothering him on Trollian.

Before having his robolegs… installed, he'd had to scoot around in his wheel device throughout the worlds of The Medium. He'd had to endure all sorts of follies related to his disability, which on account of their great plurality and marginal relevance we will not get to see. Just as well, probably.

Oh wow, someone else was trolling him now too. See? This was what happened when he spaced out and contemplated the future like that. The messages started to pile up.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AG: Taaaaaaaavros.**

**AT: hEY,**

**AG: Red team is going to 8ite the dust!**

**AG: And I know you are on the red team.**

**AT: wHOA, rEALLY,**

**AG: Yeah, you totally are.**

**AG: My team's got no use for a 8oy that can't make no use of his legs!**

**AG: You were f8ed for a team of losers, full of 8lind girls and lame 8oys and cranky iiiiiiiim8eciles.**

**AG: ::::)**

**AT: oK, yOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT THAT,**

**AT: bUT i SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU,**

**AG: Oh?**

**AT: i PROMISED I WOULDN'T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE,**

**AG: Whaaaaaaaat. Promised who?**

**AT: rUFIO,**

**AG: Omg, who's that?**

**AG: I h8 this guy already!**

**AT: hE'S, uHH,**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: sOMEONE SAID i SHOULD GIVE MY SELF ESTEEM A NAME,**

**AT: aND TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT i SAY, tO MAKE SURE i DON'T HURT HIS FEELINGS,**

**AG: Haha! So he's imaginary! A fake.**

**AG: Like a made up friend, the way fairies are.**

**AG: Made up make believe fakey fake fakes.**

**AG: Who told you to do something so fraudulent?**

**AT: gA,**

**AT: bUT i DON'T KNOW IF SHE WAS JOKING ABOUT IT,**

**AT: iT MIGHT BE A JOKE, uHH, i DON'T KNOW, bUT i DID IT ANYWAY,**

**AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, what a meddler.**

**AG: I h8 her meddling! Why is she always meddling?**

**AG: I don't know if it was a joke, 8ut man.**

**AT: uH,**

**AG: I don't think it was a joke. It was more like...**

**AG: Ok, complete this analogy.**

**AG: Laughing is to a joke as meddling is to ...?**

**AT: uUHHH,**

**AG: Exactly! That's what she just did to you.**

**AG: It is worse than a joke. It is worse than anything you can do.**

**AG: Next time tell her to can it! That's what I do.**

**AG: But she keeps 8ugging me. 8ugging and fussing and meddling. What's her deal!**

**AG: I guess it's flattering that she wants to talk to me so much though. I guess I don't mind. It's cool.**

**AG: Anyway Tavros, you've been amazingly 8oring as usual, so I'm going to go.**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AG: This show needs to get on the freaking road.**

**AG: 8elieve it or not, the 8lue team doesn't have a single player in the session yet!**

**AG: While you guys have like two or three or such!**

**AG: Un8elievable, I wonder what the holdup is. Oh well, let's face it! You guys need the head start.**

**AT: uHH,**

**AG: Ok, anyway, good luck to you. It will be just like old tiiiiiiiimes.**

**AG: :::;)**

**AG: Adios, Toreasnore!**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AT: bYE,**

**terminallyCapricious [TC]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**TC: mOtHeRfUcK mY bRoThEr, Im So SoRrY i KiNd Of ZoNeD oUt ThErE.**

**AT: hI, tHAT'S OK.**

**AT: i WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO NOT BE ZONED OUT FOR ANY REASON.**

**AT: sO i GUESS, i DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR APOLOGY.**

**TC: AlRiGhT, fUcK yEaH, iT's AlL gOoD aNyWaY.**

**TC: i JuSt ZoNeD oUt WhEn I wAs SuPpOsEd To Be AlL aBoUt BeInG tO tElL yOu YoU'rE aLl On My TeAm.**

**AT: uH, yEAH, tHE RED TEAM YOU MEAN,**

**TC: ShIt MoThErFuCkIn YeAh My WiCkEd MoThErFuCkEr!**

**TC: :o) hOnK hOnK hOnK**

**AT: oK, tHAT'S GREAT, i JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS,**

**AT: fROM SOMEONE i DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT,**

**AT: bUT IT STILL BASICALLY QUALIFIES AS GOOD NEWS,**

**TC: :o) HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk**

**AT: }:o), hEH,**

**TC: hAhAh FuUuUuCk, YoU sToLe My FuCkIn NoSe BrO!**

**TC: WhAt GoT yOu EvEn Up ThE gUmPtIoN tO aLl FuCkIn Do ThE sHiT lIkE tHaT?**

**AT: eRR, i DON'T KNOW, iT'S JUST,**

**AT: kIND OF THE OBVIOUS THING TO DO,**

**AT: sTICK THE CIRCLE IN FRONT OF THE DOTS, aND, bEHIND THE BENDY ONE,**

**AT: pLUS, oH YEAH, mY HORNS,**

**TC: hAhAhAhA.**

**AT: mAYBE WE CAN SLAM ABOUT IT,**

**TC: YeAh, I cOuLd KiCk ThE sHiT oUt Of SoMe RhYmEs BrO.**

**TC: aLl StIr Up SoMe FuCkIn HeLl MiRtH aNd RiP oPeN a FuCkIn BaG oF hArShWhImSy.**

**AT: yEAHHH, yOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE CLOWN THINGS, wHICH,**

**AT: i DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND EVER, bUT THAT'S OKAY,**

**AT: bECAUSE IT'S KIND OF FUNNY,**

**AT: wHEREAS, i'LL ADDRESS SOME TOPICS PERTAINING TO MY INTERESTS,**

**AT: aND i GUESS, pERSONAL MOTIFS,**

**TC: YeAh! FuCk YeAh, ThAt Be HoW sHiT's AlL uSuAlLy Up AnD fUcKiN lOcKeD bRo.**

**TC: bUt FiRsT hErE's ThE tHiNg WiTh ThE gAmE.**

**AT: oH YEAH, i ALMOST FORGOT, aBOUT,**

**AT: tHE RED TEAM GAME,**

**TC: YeAh Ok If I rEmEmBeR rIgHt ThIs Is HoW wE'rE jUgGlInG tHiS sHiT.**

**TC: lOt'S oF fUcKiN bAlLs In ThE aIr, HaHaHa.**

**TC: TeReZi CoNnEcTeD tO kArKaT, sO hE's FuCkIn ChIlL.**

**TC: tHeN i'M sUpPoSeD tO cOnNeCt To HeR sOoN tO gEt HeR aLl ChIlL tOo.**

**TC: BuT sHe'S iN tHe WoOdS dOiNg SoMeThInG.**

**TC: wHeN sHe CoMeS bAcK sHe StArTs PlAyInG.**

**TC: So In ThE mEaN mOtHeRfUcKiN tImE i'M sUpPoSeD tO gEt YoU tO cOnNeCt To Me.**

**TC: bUt I fUcKiN sPaCeD oUt AnD fOrGoT.**

**TC: BeCaUsE i GuEsS i WaS wAy ToO mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl AlL uP iN tHiS sHiT, hAhAhAhAhA!**

**AT: yEAH, i UNDERSTAND,**

**TC: sO jUsT dOwNlOaD tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR i'M sEnDiNg YoU sO wE cAn KiCk ThIs BiTcH dOwN tHe StAiRs.**

**AT: oKAY, i'LL DO THAT, aND,**

**AT: iN THE MEANTIME, sHALL i,**

**AT: cUE UP THE,**

**AT: sTRICT BEATS? }:D**

**TC: AwWwWw BrOtHeR nOw YoU aLl FuCk AnD uP aNd DoNe It.**

**TC: yOu ArE fUcKiN wHeEl DeEp In A bIg SlOpPy MaSsAcRe PiE tOpPeD wItH mOtHeRfUcKiN wHiPpEd RhYmE.**

**TC: HoW sTrIcT aRe ThOsE bEaTs At, MoThErFuCkEr?**

**AT: wELL, i,**

**AT: tURNED UP THOSE BITCHES TO PRETTY STERN,**

**AT: sET BEATS TO LECTURE, aND, i'M KIND OF GOING HOG WILD ON THE CURMUDGEON KNOB,**

**AT: wHICH, i HAD RECENTLY INSTALLED,**

**TC: gOd DaMn!**

**TC: TeLl Me MoRe WhIlE i GeT mY rEaCh On FoR tHiS fRoStY bReW.**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: iMAGINE AN ARRAY OF BEATS THAT SET LIMITS,**

**AT: tHEY GOT A RULEBOOK, iT DOESN'T PAY TO SKIM IT,**

**AT: bECAUSE, tHERE'S NOT A LOT OF LATITUDE,**

**AT: tHEY WON'T STAND FOR AN ATTITUDE,**

**AT: aND, cROSSING THEM'S A HABIT YOU'D,**

**AT: (nOT REALLY WANT TO GET INTO BECAUSE, uHH),**

**AT: tHEY'D GET PRETTY MAD AT YOU,**

**TC: fUuUuCk, So FuCkIn FrEsH.**

**TC: YoU nEeD tO bE sLaPpEd FuCkIn SiLlY wItH a MoUtH lIkE tHaT! hAhA.**

**AT: aND, iF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT,**

**AT: tHEN i SUGGEST YOU GO AND RAP IT DUDE,**

**TC: oK i WiLl.**

**TC: JuSt LeT mE sNeAk Up On ThIs BoTtLe Of FaYgO aNd SnAp ItS nEcK lIkE iM a FuCkIn LaUgHsSaSsIn.**

**TC: oK.**

**TC: ArE tHoSe BeAtS sTiLl ChIlL?**

**AT: yEAH,**

**TC: aRe ThEy MoThErFuCkIn StRiCt?**

**AT: yEAHHHHH,**

**TC: AiGhT.**

**TC: cRaCk...**

**TC: HiSsSsSsSsSsSsSs.**

**TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN kIcK iT!**

Tavros and Gamzee then proceeded to have one of the worst rap-offs in the history of Paradox Space.

Terezi made her way through the burning woods around her house to meet the lusus she'd never had. It was time for her lusus to hatch. It was now or never.

Since the world was about to end anyway, Terezi supposed it no longer mattered if the doomsday scale was tipped. One side of the scale had an egg on it and the other the old skull of an ancient Mother Grub who'd been slain thousands of solar sweeps ago. The skull hovered over a large black button on a device with a spirograph on it.

The egg contained a rare species of dragon which remained blind until maturity, using its other senses to survive. It had balanced the skull here for millennia, waiting for the warmth of a meteor-sparked forest fire before hatching. Oh, and in case it hadn't been clear, dragons were real.

While the dragon lusus had slumbered away in her egg, she had communicated with Terezi while the troll girl was asleep. And after Terezi's accident, the lusus had used her dreams to teach her to detect the world around her without vision.

As she had learned, her dreams had become strikingly more vivid. Where before there'd been darkness, odors and flavors painted a striking picture. Terezi had found herself surrounded by the bright honey walls of a golden kingdom, and in the sky was a huge tasty ball of blue cotton candy, which was this sweet troll delicacy that we wouldn't know anything about. The first time she'd glimpsed this world in her dreams, there'd been no turning back.

The young dragon lusus hatched from her egg, tipping the scale and lowering the skull onto the button. The lusus would take to the skies and promptly get herself killed. This would have been much more shocking and maybe a little more sad if we didn't already know it was going to happen. _We_ already knew this, but Terezi didn't.

The dragon took to the skies. Suddenly, a meteor crashed into her and she fell to the treehouse, dead. See, for us it was an unsurprising development because I explained this all a paragraph ago, but Terezi was in genuine distress. The dragon had never smelled it coming!

Thankfully, though, because the dragon had landed in Terezi's treehouse, she'd be scooped up by her sympathetic ally, the leetspeaking troll, and deposited into her kernelsprite. Then they could talk to each other! There would be plenty to discuss.

The doomsday device that had just been started by the tip of the scale counted down from 6 minutes and 12 seconds. This was the amount of time Terezi had to get back to her hive and enter The Medium before the entire forest was destroyed.

At the time, it didn't occur to her to wonder whether the device was directly responsible for the apocalypse, or merely served as its precisely calibrated harbinger. And it certainly didn't occur to her to cast doubt on any perceived difference between the two. It didn't until later, when she better understood the game she was about to play.


	53. Book 4 Chapter 6: apocalypseArisen

Chapter 6: apocalypseArisen

The narrative shifted to the other troll girl again… no, wait, that was the one with the Virgo shirt, right? Then this was the _other_ other girl, the one with the Aries shirt floating around in the frog ruins. Who was this spooky lady anyway?

Her name was Aradia Megido. She stood in a cave, far from her respiteblock so it was hard to examine her interests, but she strove to remember. She had a number of interests… or, she had had a number of them. In time she'd lost interest in most of them. She seemed to recollect once having a particular fondness for archaeology, though now she had trouble recalling this passion. Nonetheless, this passion had led her to find her present calling, which had come through the discovery of these mystic ruins upon which she presently stood, and which she'd recently desecrated out of boredom.

Guiding Aradia to this calling had been the voices of the dead, which she'd been able to hear since she'd been young. The voices had become louder now that The Great Undoing was approaching. This trend in escalation had begun after an accident involving a certain kind of role playing, which might have been another of her interests once upon a time. It didn't matter much anymore, though.

The aforementioned accident had resulted in the death of her lusus, which had prompted her to leave her home and take up these ruins as residence. On the instruction of her ancestors, she'd recovered mysterious technology from the ruins, and had convinced to adapt it into a game that would bring about the destruction of her civilization. And by convinced, she supposed she meant tricked.

Sollux had tentatively named the game SGRUB, which was a word that was not too terribly elegant. If it were marketed by a legitimate game company instead of rapidly patched together by a young hacker, it would ostensibly be given a better title. Sollux was presently mobilizing twelve friends to play it, including him and Aradia herself. He believed he'd lead the blue team, but that was where he was wrong.

Aradia's trolltag was **apocalypseArisen**and there was typically a**pr0n0unced h0ll0wness t0 her w0rds.**

She tried to retrieve her computer, but it wasn't up to her to decide what she took out of her sylladex. It was up to the spirits because she had a ouija modus. Oh very good, it looked like the spirits were being cooperative, if a bit cryptic as usual, today. She retrieved the computer from her sylladex.

Aradia had found the baffling artifact of a computer some time ago on one of her digs. The creature on its facade was completely mystifying. It would have looked like Bing Crosby if there had been a Bing Crosby on Alternia (which there had been, for convenient reference, but Aradia didn't remember a lot about pop culture). She had taken to using this computer as her primary computing device on account of its bizarre novelty, as well as its convenient portability.

Oh, look who was bothering her. It was **GA** again. That girl was always bugging her. Bugging and fussing and meddling. What was her deal! Aradia guessed it was flattering that she wanted to talk to her so much though. Aradia was okay with it. She was okay with a lot of things.

**grimAuxiliatrix [GA]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**GA: Hi Again Aradia**

**AA: 0h n0000000**

**GA: So I Guess Tonight Is The Night You Blow Everything Up**

**AA: 0_0**

**GA: Is There Nothing I Can Do To Change Your Mind**

**AA: n0**

**AA: 0r yes**

**AA: yes theres n0thing**

**AA: and n0 y0u cant**

**AA: but y0u sh0uldnt pretend as if y0u believe this has anything t0 d0 with the state 0f my mind**

**AA: 0r the decisi0ns it will make 0r has already made**

**GA: Yeah I Guess Not**

**GA: I Thought Id Be Friendly Though**

**GA: And Remind You That You Do In Fact Have A Hand In All The Terrible Things That Are About To Happen**

**GA: Because Thats What Friends Are For**

**GA: And The Fact That What Ensues Will Be Terrible**

**GA: Is An Immutable Fact I Am Stating For The Record**

**GA: And The Fact That We Will Not Be On The Same Team Is Similarly Immutable**

**GA: It Does Not Mean That Teamwork Is What Isnt Taking Place Here**

**AA: s0rry i didnt f0ll0w that**

**GA: Ill Be Here To Help**

**GA: If You Need Me**

**AA: 0k**

**AA: thanks**

Tick tock tick tock tick tock… god. Waiting for the apocalypse was so b00000ring. Aradia guessed she'd check on Sollux and see how the teams were coming along.

She then had a conversation we've already read, which began like this:

**AA: did y0u set up the teams**

And ended like this:

**AA: im c0ming up**

And then Aradia had gone up.

Aradia lifted Sollux's biclops lusus with her magical telekinetic powers and… oh, hold on. She had to deal with another one of these dolts. Hmm… she wondered what **AG **wanted. What was it with all these girls bugging her? Bugging and fussing and meddling.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiia!**

**AA: 0h b0y thats way t00 many of the same letter in a r0w twice**

**AG: I know!**

**AG: So we're a8out to get started right?**

**AG: Have you tricked Sollux yet?**

**AG: Do you have Mr. Two Eyes all 8efuddled and flustered in your we8 of lies?**

**AG: Or Mr. Four Eyes?**

**AG: Hmmmmmmmmm.**

**AG: I don't know. Which nickname do you think would 8e suita8ly derogatory in this case Aradia?**

**AA: h0w ab0ut**

**AA: eight eyes**

**AA: minus seven**

**AG: ::::P**

**AA: i didnt trick him**

**AA: its n0t like that**

**AG: Ok, whatever. The point is.**

**AG: Once you have pulled the finely woven silken mesh over his dum8 different colored eyes, you and I will start playing the game and 8e the 8lue team leaders.**

**AG: That's how this will work right?**

**AG: Wait do you mind if we are co-leaders? I forgot to ask! I just assumed it was ok with you.**

**AA: i d0nt care**

**AG: Great. That's the spirit!**

**AG: And when I 8ring you into the game, whatever the hell that means, then we can send each other stuff right? That is how this works right?**

**AA: yes**

**AG: Awesome!**

**AG: 8ecause I have a present for you. It's a surprise, and it's going to 8e great. From me to you.**

**AG: Just from me. From me alone and no8ody else.**

**AG: I can't wait to see the look on your face when you see.**

**AA: 0k well im sure it will be very th0ughtful**

**AG: Hey speaking of which, what will the name of our team 8e?**

**AA: uh**

**AA: the blue team**

**AG: No no no no no. I know that.**

**AG: I mean the name of OUR team. You and me. Just uuuuuuuus.**

**AG: ::::)**

**AA: i havent given it any th0ught**

**AA: n0r did i think such a thing was up f0r c0nsiderati0n**

**AA: but if y0u want t0 pretend we b0th have a separate team t0gether**

**AA: and name that team**

**AA: then kn0ck y0urself 0ut**

**AG: I just thought it would 8e really fitting.**

**AG: Kind of like a fresh start, you know?**

**AG: I don't know, what are our shared interests? I guess I never really thought a8out this! I guess I'm used to thinking of you as the enemy. There must 8e some overlap in profiles.**

**AG: Come oooooooon, let's 8rainstorm!**

**AA: 0_0**

**AG: Man, it'll 8e great. We'll 8e unstoppa8le. Surely you must admit it will 8e nice to re8ound from the Team Charge de8acle!**

**AA: i never think ab0ut that anym0re**

**AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, I'm so dum8! Here I am running my mouth and opening up old wounds, while at the very same time trying to make amends! What an idiot.**

**AA: its 0k**

**AG: Hey speaking of which, that loser isn't going to 8e on the 8lue team is he?**

**AA: which l0ser**

**AG: Your old team 8uddy!**

**AA: n0**

**AG: Oh thank fucking goodness! Talk a8out dead weight. You made the right choice, leader! I mean co-leader.**

**AA: i didnt exclude him f0r that reas0n**

**AA: 0r at all**

**AA: y0ure just n0t getting it**

**AA: y0u never listen**

**AG: Man, now I've got this huge 8eefgrub lodged in my nook just thinking a8out him.**

**AG: I'm going to go give him a hard time.**

**AG: Let me know when you're live! Later.**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AA: d0nt d0 that its really childish**

**AA: uh w0w**

The narrative attempted to shift to the mysterious spider girl and failed. She was way too mysterious to have the narrative be shifted to her yet. Seriously, what was up with those glasses? One side was see-through and the other pitch black. And what was up with that robo-arm? What was her deal?

"I guess it's flattering that you want to shift to me though," she said, smashing a bit of the glass in the fourth wall and looking through to Andrew Hussie (metaphorically of course). "I don't mind. It's cool." Okay, we'll learn all about her a bit later. In the meantime, let's check out what's going on with Aradia and Sollux.

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**TA: aradiia ii would liike two apologiize, ii flew off the handle there.**

**TA: iit wa2 liike the handle wa2 a bald guy goiing really fa2t, and ii wa2 hii2 twoupee.**

**TA: 2o iim 2orry, iit wa2 my fault.**

**AA: its 0k**

**TA: ii hope we are 2tiill friiend2.**

**AA: yes we are**

**TA: 2o anyway, ii thiink even though ii quiit a2 leader iim 2tiill goiing two play the game now.**

**TA: becau2e iit2 eiither that or get totally creamed by all the2e fuckiing 2pace boulder2.**

**TA: hey maybe we can make the be2t of the game anyway, even though ii guess we are goiing two lo2e.**

**AA: n0 im s0rry**

**AA: y0u cant s0llux**

**AA: n0t yet**

**TA: oh my god!**

**TA: youre goiing two giive me 2hiit agaiin?**

**TA: after ii crawled on my belly liike that all groveliing at you.**

**TA: liike 2ome low cla22 guy wiith... whatever color blood ii2 lower on the hiierarchy than miine.**

**TA: what2 wor2e than yellow?**

**TA: fuck thii2 confu2iing ca2te 2y2tem.**

**TA: anyway 2crew you, iim playiing thii2 game riight now.**

**AA: n0 y0ure n0t**

**AA: trust me**

**TA: waiit what2 thii2...**

**TA: are you heariing that 2pooky me22age from the grave?**

**TA: iit ii2 from my abiiliity two giive a 2hiit.**

**TA: whiich ju2t diied.**

**TA: thii2 ii2 where you laugh agaiin!**

**AA: c0me t0 the wind0w**

**TA: why.**

**AA: because im 0utside**

**TA: b2.**

**AA: take a l00k**

**TA: ii dont 2ee anythiing out there.**

**AA: c0me cl0ser y0ull see me**

**AA: i pr0mise**

**TA: god ii am ju2t bulge deep iin the fecal matter of a wiildly iincontiinent hoofbea2t but ok, iill iindulge you.**

**TA: here ii go!**

Sollux stepped over the sleeping bees and the broken piece of the beehouse mainframe on the floor. Ok, he was looking out the lousy stupid goddamn window now. Lousy stupid goddamn physics.

Aradia snapped her fingers and Sollux instantly fell asleep. She couldn't have him start playing now. It wasn't time just yet.

Much later, when Sollux finally woke up, he'd discover that all of his teammates had connected to each other and entered The Medium, making him the last to enter. His long nap would not have been fruitless though, because it would have facilitated a series of important dreams that would prove essential in support of his teammates.

But here and now, the destruction of his hive would be imminent unless he could quickly establish a connection to the first player of the group and complete the chain.

Sollux finally awoke. The mind honey. Thpppptthhhhh. Some of it had gotten in his mouth. _HE DID NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT THE MIND HONEY!_ His eyes crackled with red and blue energy and he lifted back his head to produce a giant stream of two-colored lasers. The fire from the lasers burst through the roof, killing his biclops on the roof.


	54. Book 4 Chapter 7: arsenicCatnip

Chapter 7: arsenicCatnip

Okay, so since that kid was busy flipping his bifurcated lid, we might as well take a moment to get to know this silly cat girl. Gosh who was she?

Her name was Nepeta Leijon. She lived in a cave that was also a hive, but still mostly a cave. She liked to engage in friendly role playing, but not the dangerous kind. Never the dangerous kind. It was too dangerous! Too many of her good friends had gotten hurt that way.

Her daily routine was dangerous enough as it was. She prowled the wilderness for great beasts, and stalked them and took them down with nothing but her sharp claws and teeth! She took them back to her cave and ate them, and from time to time, wore their pelts for fun. She liked to paint wall comics using blood and soot and ash, depicting exciting tales from the hunt! And other goofy stories about her and her numerous pals. Her best pal of all was a little bossy, and people wondered why Nepeta even bothered with him, but someone had to keep him pacified. And if not Nepeta, then who? Everyone had an important job to do, and this was hers.

Her trolltag was **arsenicCatnip**and**:33 *her sp33ch preceded itself with the face of her lusus who was pawssibly the cutest and purrhaps the bestest kitty she had ever s33n!***

Nepeta equipped her claw gloves, which she was wearing all the time because she never knew when she might encounter some unsuspecting prey. Or when some prey might encounter an expecting her! On Alternia, everything was considered unsuspecting prey by everything else.

Nepeta scratched her cat lusus behind the ears. Her name was Pounce de Leon and she was the best kitty cat. Nepeta and the cat liked to go on adventures together in search of the fountain of cute. She rode her sure-pawed mount into the rugged frontier. And sometimes when Pounce rode Nepeta when she got tired, which was frequently.

It would sure be sad when Pounce de Leon died. But who knew when or how that would happen. We might not even really have the time to find out!

Later on there was a cave-in, crushing Nepeta's lusus in a pile of rocky rubble.

Okay. Forget the above sentence ever happened. Anyway, Nepeta sauntered over to her drawing tablet computer. She used this to draw… on a computer! It would be cool if this could somehow be adapted to serve as a fetch modus as well. That would be so much more fun than the frustrating one she was using right now.

She wondered what that grumpy fellow wanted. Probably something to do with Aradia and Sollux's game. That seemed to be _all_ everyone was talking about lately.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****arsenicCatnip [AC]**

**CG: HEY.**

**AC: :33 *ac perks up curiously***

**AC: :33 *she wiggles her rear end a bit and then chases something she s33s bounce into one of karkats shoes***

**CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAS TO SINK THIS LOW.**

**CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ASKING AN AUTISTIC GIRL IN A CAVE TO JOIN HIS TEAM.**

**CG: KARKAT MYSTIFIES IN INFINITE BEFUDDLEMENT OVER THE FACT THAT YOU ARE PRESENTLY THE BEST REMAINING CANDIDATE FOR THE RED TEAM.**

**AC: :33 i am?**

**AC: :33 i mean *ac says i am? wondrously***

**CG: YES AND KARKAT CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.**

**CG: KARKAT THINKS ABOUT THAT A BIT AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AND BREAKS A HUGE COLUMN OF BRICKS LIKE A FUCKING KUNG FU MASTER.**

**AC: :33 *ac gathers up all the brick pieces and builds a cute little house and invites karkat inside***

**CG: OK GOOD, IT'S GOOD THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING.**

**CG: EVEN IF IT'S IN THE MOST INANE POSSIBLE CONTEXT.**

**CG: YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING A LOT OF IT.**

**AC: :33 yesss that sounds fun**

**AC: :33 ok what do i do?**

**CG: OK, BRIEFING:**

**CG: ME, TEREZI, GAMZEE AND TAVROS ARE ALL PLAYING NOW.**

**CG: THE CONNECTION ORDER IS AT - TC - GC - CG.**

**CG: WE NEED SOMEONE TO CONNECT TO TOREADOR AND GET HIM IN THE GAME.**

**CG: I HAVE GA LINED UP FOR THE RED TEAM BECAUSE SHE IS ONE OF THE FEW REMAINING SANE ONES LEFT TO PLAY.**

**CG: OK, THE ONLY SANE ONE.**

**CG: BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO CONNECT YET BECAUSE OF SOME MYSTERIOUS BULLSHIT, SO I WAS LIKE WHATEVER, WHAT ELSE IS NEW.**

**CG: SO I GUESS THAT LEAVES YOU.**

**CG: TEREZI SAID SHE HAD YOU LINED UP TO PLAY BACK WHEN SHE WAS THE FAKE LEADER, SO I SAID FINE.**

**CG: SO JUST CONNECT TO TAVROS AND LATER WE'LL WORRY ABOUT GETTING YOU IN.**

**AC: :33 alright! i will talk to him about that**

**AC: :33 oh**

**AC: :33 *ac pawses and looks up with a little bit of chagrin***

**AC: :33 i forgot i have to talk to someone else about this**

**AC: :33 i have b33n purrcrastinating :((**

**CG: OH GOD.**

**CG: ARE YOU REALLY SERIOUS.**

**AC: :33 its not that big of a deal!**

**CG: THIS BOGGLES MY MIND.**

**CG: HOW CAN YOU BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ONLY GUY ON THE PLANET WHO'S A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN ME.**

**AC: :33 hes not so bad!**

**CG: HE'S SCUM.**

**CG: BUT DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO I GUESS.**

**CG: TAVROS IS WAITING.**

**arsenicCatnip [AC]** **began trolling ****centaursTesticle [CT]**

**AC: :33 *ac twitches her friendly whiskers at ct***

**CT: D - Hi**

**AC: :33 *ct purrplexes over where he put that important wrench that he n33ded for building a fancy robot or something***

**AC: :33 *he says, now where did that silly old wrench go?***

**CT: D - 100k**

**CT: D - What are you e%pecting to accomplish with this**

**AC: :33 *but oh look! ct p33ks around the corner to find that a very playful kitty has stolen the robot wrench and is now kicking it vigorously with her hind legs!***

**CT: D - This is f001ishness upon one hundred thousand prior, equally unsolicited f001ishnesses**

**CT: D - You'll stop now**

**AC: XOO rawwrrrrr**

**AC: :33 youre so lame!**

**CT: D - I'm not**

**CT: D - I'm fine**

**AC: :33 no! lame**

**CT: D - No I'm not**

**AC: :33 lame**

**CT: D - No**

**AC: :33 youve never played a fun purrtend game with me ever even once!**

**AC: :33 even karkat does it sometimes, even if he does mean it in a grumpy and insincere way**

**AC: :33 but at least its still fun!**

**CT: D - Yuck**

**CT: D - Don't pol100t my incoming data stream with his name, or any sort of e%cremental language you pick up from his ilk**

**AC: :33 i s33 right through your stupid act, who are you trying to kid!**

**AC: :33 look how you go out of your way to use words that have x's in them so that you can use your silly purrcent signs**

**AC: :33 or use these absurd words that you can shoehorn a '100' into, even if its not strictly replacing 'loo'!**

**AC: :33 you are so transpurrent**

**AC: :33 i can tell you like to play games, d33p down you are a guy who likes to play games!**

**AC: :33 i can smell a guy who likes to play games from so fur away with this nose, you have no idea X33**

**CT: D - If you're 100king for a 100phole through which you may e%tract concessions from me, you'll have to 100k elsewhere**

**AC: :33 s33! what the hell?**

**CT: D - Nepeta, what did I say about that awful language**

**CT: D - I won't stand for it, and you'll stop**

**AC: :33 oops**

**AC: :33 sorry :((**

**CT: D - Your fraternization with the base classes have 100sened your morals, can't you see this**

**AC: :33 no! i dont care, they are fun**

**AC: :33 and i dont know anything about classes or bases or blood color, it doesn't matter!**

**AC: :33 what does gr33n blood even mean! it doesnt mean anything to me and it shouldnt mean anything to anyone else!**

**CT: D - Well, green b100d is ok, but it's not great**

**CT: D - But that's why you're lucky to have me to 100k out for you**

**CT: D - Because you don't know better, and you can't fight the role the mother had in store for you**

**AC: :33 rawrgh, you are such a hypurrcrite!**

**AC: :33 you pretend to be so high and mighty but i know you're not and i know you like games**

**AC: :33 look at that silly little bow and arrow you always type!**

**AC: :33 its always there, you never furget**

**AC: :33 why would you do that if it wasnt a playful fun thing, i am so on to you!**

**CT: D - My bow and arrow are highly dignified symbols**

**AC: :33 lol! bs!**

**CT: D - Archery is among the highest and most e%ceptional crafts, held in tremendous regard by the most a100f classes for centuries**

**AC: :33 you suck at archery**

**CT: D - No**

**AC: :33 yes**

**CT: D - No**

**AC: :33 yes**

**CT: D - No I don't**

**AC: :33 yessssss yes yes yes**

**AC: :33 have you ever even successfully fired an arrow?**

**AC: :33 like actually got one to leave the bow?**

**CT: D - I think**

**CT: D - We need to stop talking about archery**

**AC: :33 nuh uh**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AC: :33 no**

**CT: D - We will stop talking about archery**

**CT: D - The topic is making me**

**CT: D - Sweat**

**AC: :33 eww**

**AC: :33 youre so gross**

**CT: D - No, you're the one who e%ercises distasteful practices**

**AC: :33 nooo, thats you**

**AC: :33 everyone knows youre a weirdo and a cr33p!**

**AC: :33 thats why youre lucky to have me to k33p an eye on you**

**AC: :33 no one else can stand you!**

**CT: D - You e%terminate beautiful, innocent creatures by the hundreds**

**CT: D - I can't condone such wretched behavior**

**CT: D - Beasts are meant to be 100ked upon with adoration**

**AC: :33 but**

**AC: :33 i eat them!**

**AC: :33 i dont kill anything i dont eat, that would be mean**

**CT: D - I guess that's basically acceptable in principle, but I still find it a bit unsavory**

**AC: :33 well i think YOUR habits are unsavory!**

**CT: D - No they're not**

**AC: :33 yuh HUH**

**CT: D - You're wrong about me, Nepeta**

**CT: D - I do like to play games**

**CT: D - But they must be e%tremely important games with very high stakes**

**CT: D - Not the kind played by trans100cent green wigglers who let 100se an e%cremental surge hard in their wiggler-bottom diaperstubs**

**CT: D - As it happens I have arranged to play just such a game tonight**

**CT: D - Aradia and I have a private engagement to be co-leaders of the b100 team**

**AC: :33 oh yeah?**

**AC: :33 *well just by purrchance it happens that ac has a private and sneaky engagement to play this game as well!***

**AC: :33 *and by a purrsnickety twist of fate, she will be on the R33D TEAM, with her other great friends who like to play their childish diaperpoop games!***

**AC: :33 :PP**

**CT: D - Absolutely not**

**AC: :33 absolutely :PP**

**CT: D - I forbid this**

**CT: D - You will take your position on the b100 team with me**

**AC: :33 yeah right! i will take my purrsition into this funny pounce ball and tackle you!**

**CT: D - That's nonsense, you're nowhere even remotely within my pro%imity that would be necessary to e%ecute such a maneuver**

**AC: :33 *ac rolls her eyes almost as hard as she is rolling around in this really interesting smell***

**CT: D - The thought of you fraternizing with and abetting those stink-b100ded h001igans strikes me as scandal beyond measure**

**CT: D - I'm afraid you're too delicate to withstand that sort of corruption**

**CT: D - It's forbidden**

**AC: :33 nuh uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - You won't**

**AC: :33 no**

**AC: :33 i will**

**CT: D - You won't**

**AC: :33 you cant stop me!**

**CT: D - I am telling you not to**

**CT: D - And you will be on my team**

**CT: D - That's final**

**AC: XPO bllllraaaaaawwwwwlllllrrrrghgghghgh**

**CT: D - Quiet**

**AC: :33 why do you do this, why are you so confurdent about your stupid commands?**

**AC: :33 dont you know you cant ACTUALLY tell me what to do?**

**AC: :33 its not like you even have any special mind pawers or telepurrthy or anything!**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - I do not**

**CT: D - And yet**

**CT: D - You will do as I say**

**AC: :33 yes well we will just s33 about that!**

**CT: D - Yes we will**

**CT: D - You will join me on my team shortly**

**CT: D - Stand by for further instru%ion**

**AC: :33 hisssssssss!**

**CT: D - You're angry, and I appreciate that**

**CT: D - But it doesn't matter**

**CT: D - Di%ussion over**

**AC: :33 :((**

Nepeta took off her cloth helmet and chewed on it frustratingly, an image of **CT** going "Bluh bluh" in her mind. She had to give Tavros the bad news.

**arsenicCatnip [AC]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AC: :33 *ac curls up in tavroses lap***

**AT: oKAY, *i,**

**AT: fOR THE TIME BEING, aND,**

**AT: fOR THE SAKE OF THIS FANTASY SCENARIO, i PRETEND,**

**AT: tHAT MY CAT ALLERGIES AREN'T THAT BAD,***

**AC: :33 *ac takes a long nap***

**AC: :33 *and then wakes up and frowns because she has bad news***

**AT: *oH NO,***

**AT: iS,**

**AT: wHAT i SAY,**

**AT: aBOUT THE BAD NEWS, nOT THE NAP,**

**AC: :33 tavros im sorry i cant be on your team :((**

**AC: :33 im not allowed**

**AT: oH,**

**AT: tHAT'S OKAY,**

**AT: tHEN i GUESS HE SAID NO, tHEN,**

**AC: :33 yes unfurtunately**

**AC: :33 rarg im so mad!**

**AT: iT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST,**

**AT: tHAT YOU LISTEN TO HIM,**

**AC: :33 i dont know**

**AC: :33 you think so?**

**AT: wELL,**

**AT: iF YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM BEFORE,**

**AT: yOU MIGHT HAVE PLAYED GAMES WITH US BEFORE,**

**AT: aND SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU,**

**AC: :33 hmm purrhaps**

**AC: :33 but i still f33l bad**

**AT: i'LL FIND ANOTHER PLAYER, iT'S NOT A BIG DEAL,**

**AT: gOOD LUCK, bEING,**

**AT: oN THE BLUE TEAM,**

**AC: :33 ok thanks :((**

Tavros fondly recalled his days of far more intensive role playing. It seemed like so long ago now. Aside from a few unfortunate moments, it had always been fun. If he had to do it all over again, he supposed he'd select better company. Maybe this game he was playing tonight would rekindle some of that excitement. Wait. What had happened to Tinkerbull?


	55. Book 4 Chapter 8: Tavros's Flight

Chapter 8: Tavros's Flight

Some time ago, Tavros stood in his respiteblock on a healthy pair of legs and in a plucky little outfit. He was a low level boy-skylark, and he wielded an inexpensive daggerlance, which was the closest thing to a jousting lance he could wield that was still compatible with his favorite class.

He was about to play a game called Flarp, which unlike most games published by major developers, was given a graceful and aesthetically pleasing name. It was a title under the extreme role playing genre, and playing it without caution could have real-world consequences! But that was what made it fun.

When he activated Flarp's grub, the campaign programmed for tonight would begin. Team Charge would duel Team Scourge as usual. This was going to be great.

Tavros contacted his fellow Team Charge member, Aradia.

**adiosToreador ** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AT: aRADIA,**

**AT: mY GRUB IS LAYING NOW, sO**

**AT: i'LL BE READY SOON,**

**AA: c00l!**

**AA: mine t00**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w where terezi is th0ugh**

**AA: shes running late**

**AT: oH, uHH**

**AT: sHOULD WE WAIT,**

**AA: n0**

**AA: ill be here cl0uding her campaign f0r her regardless**

**AA: with 0r with0ut her!**

**AA: her l0ss if she d0esnt make it**

**AA: itll give y0u a chance t0 gain s0me gr0und**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AA: y0u picked a t0ugh class tavr0s!**

**AA: n0ne 0f the really useful c0mbat abilities c0me int0 play until y0u reach a very high level**

**AA: but i supp0se it will be rewarding when y0u get there**

**AT: yEAH, i THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, bUT,**

**AT: iT'S THE CLASS i THINK IS MOST FUN, aND, bATTLE SKILL IS NOT ALL THERE IS,**

**AT: tO BEING A GREAT ADVENTURER,**

**AA: i c0uldnt agree m0re**

**AA: y0u might be the 0nly flarper in the w0rld wh0 really understands the true spirit 0f the game**

**AA: every0ne else is s0 aggressive and treasure hungry!**

**AA: but thats what makes beating them all the m0re satisfying**

**AT: yEAH, i GUESS,**

**AA: remember y0ur cl0uder isnt g0ing t0 pull any punches t0night**

**AA: d0nt fall f0r her mind games**

**AA: ill be here t0 assist 0f c0urse**

**AA: if y0ure in tr0uble d0nt hesitate t0 ask f0r help**

**AT: yEAH, i WON'T,**

**AT: tHANKS, aRADIA,**

**AA: n0 pr0blem!**

Tavros activated the grub and it laid some eggs. His campaign's gaming flapstractions hatch and rose into the air with little pixelated wings. These guys comprised all the data and procedures he'd need for his adventure tonight.

The flapstractions dispersed throughout the terrain surrounding his hive. They followed both preprogrammed and live instructions by Tavros's clouder, a member of Team Scourge, whose role was to provide him with a challenging scenario, while his teammate did the same for Scourge's other player.

Tavros stepped outside his hive and took his starting position in the field. The game was afoot, and anything could happen now. It was up to him to consult his maps and work with his teammate discover the objective of his quest, find treasure, and slay monsters. His stat bar had bonded with him. It kept track of his every attribute for his character, including his vitals. While these attributes in principle remained abstractions, due to the fact that this was _extreme_ role playing, they would always relate in some way to his real life attributes as well. He had to be careful out here!

A little later, while Tavros stood at the edge of a cliff and debated how to kill a pair of monsters blocking his only escape route, his clouder contacted him.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AG: Wellllllll?**

**AT: uHH,**

**AG: Hey 8oy-Skytard, are you going to just stand there all night?**

**AG: Make your move, make your move, make your move!**

**AT: i JUST THINK,**

**AT: tHESE MONSTERS ARE TOO STRONG,**

**AT: sORRY, bUT, tHEY DON'T SEEM APPROPRIATE FOR THIS CAMPAIGN,**

**AG: Weak! Weaky weaky weak.**

**AT: uHH,**

**AT: wEAKY, iS THAT A REAL,**

**AT: tHING TO SAY,**

**AG: Yes. Your 8l8tant excuse making is the weakiest lame that ever shit the coward 8ed.**

**AG: Roll your dice. Make your move.**

**AG: Advance or a8scond!**

**AT: i CAN'T ABSCOND,**

**AT: tHERE'S NO,**

**AT: uHH, aBSCONDING PLACE,**

**AG: 8ut a8sconding is what you do 8est!**

**AG: I 8n't managed to cloud a scenario yet you couldn't squawk out of in a 8lazing trail of cluck8east feathers.**

**AG: You cannot hope to 8eat Tavros Nitram in an a8scond-off.**

**AG: He is simply the 8est there is!**

**AT: uHH, tHAT SOUNDS FLATTERING, tHEORETICALLY,**

**AT: bUT, i DON'T THINK,**

**AG: Hey pipe down!**

**AG: Make your move!**

**AG: Advance or a8scond, advance or a8scond!**

**AG: Roll, Tavros! Roll!**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: hOLD ON, fOR ONE MOMENT,**

**adiosToreador ** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AT: aRADIA,**

**AT: hEY,**

**AT: aRE YOU THERE,**

**AT: uHHH,**

**AT: hMM,**

**adiosToreador ** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**AT: hEY,**

**AT: tEREZI,**

**AT: i HAVE A PROBLEM,**

**AT: uHHHHHHH,**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AG: No one can help you, Taaaaaaaavros!**

**AG: ::::)**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AG: Time to decide!**

**AT: wHERE IS EVERYBODY,**

**AG: What does that have to do with your present cowardice?**

**AT: i DON'T KNOW,**

**AT: pROBABLY NOTHING,**

**AG: Are you going to roll?**

**AT: hMM,**

**AT: nO, i CAN'T,**

**AG: Why not?**

**AT: bECAUSE, i WAS THINKING ABOUT THE NUMBERS, aND,**

**AT: iT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR THERE TO BE A FAVORABLE OUTCOME,**

**AT: nO MATTER WHAT THE DICE DO,**

**AG: So, you give up?**

**AT: yEAH, mAYBE,**

**AG: Why not roll and make it official?**

**AG: Why would you want to cheapsk8 me out of 8onuses like that? It's so thoughtless.**

**AT: uHH,**

**AG: Am I going to have to take matters into my own hands?**

**AG: To make your move for you?**

**AT: i THOUGHT,**

**AT: yOU COULDN'T USE POWERS,**

**AT: i MEAN, rEAL LIFE POWERS, nOT GAME ONES,**

**AT: iT'S AGAINST THE RULES,**

**AG: 8ut if you are going to 8reak the rules and refuse to roll, what choice do I have!**

**AG: I h8 that it had to come to this 8ut what can I do!**

Suddenly, a holographic projection of **AG**appeared in front of Tavros.

**AG: Tavros, have I mentioned how cute you look in that plucky little outfit?**

**AG: Why if I didn't know 8etter, I'd say I was playing with Pupa Pan himself!**

**AG: Isn't that what you want, Tavros? To 8e like Pupa?**

**AG: Of course you do! What 8oy wouldn't want to 8e like Pupa! So dashing and 8rave.**

**AG: He is everything you are not!**

**AG: For one thing, he can flyyyyyyyy.**

**AG: Do you want to flyyyyyyyy, Tavros?**

**AG: Have you ever tried to fly? I 8et you haven't!**

**AG: How a8out we take to the skies, Pupa!**

**AG: Hahahaha, oh you like that idea, Pupa? Yes, you do. I can feel it in your simple, mallea8le 8rain.**

**AG: You want to fly so 8ad!**

**AG: Fly, Pupa!**

**AG: Flyyyyyyyy!**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

Tavros leaped off the cliff behind him under **AG**'s mind control. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of a rock and accidentally high-fived the troll as he fell.

**AG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: Haaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa!**

**AG: Adios, Toreadum8ass.**

**AG: :::;D**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****adiosToreador **

Tavros landed with a loud splat on the shore of the pond below. Perhaps **AG** had meant for him to land in the water? He wasn't sure. In any, case, he trolled Karkat to inform him of the situation.

**adiosToreador ** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**AT: aG JUST JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF,**

**AT: wITH MY BRAIN,**

**AT: aND, uHH**

**AT: mY LEGS, aLSO,**

**AT: aND NOW, tHEY FEEL,**

**AT: iNVISIBLE,**

**AT: wOW, i'M SURE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT,**

**AT: aNYWAY,**

**AT: tHAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS,**

**AT: tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT,**

**AT: oF ME GETTING HURT,**

**CG: HEY ASSHOLE, STOP PLAYING GAMES FOR GIRLS.**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling ****adiosToreador **

Back in the present, but not too far into the present, Karkat stood next to his toilet, finishing up a conversation. It ended like this:

**GC: OH BOY YOU N33D TO G3T W1TH TH3 PROGR4M K4RK4T**

**GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO 44**

**CG: 44 WHAT?**

**GC: 4POC4LYPS34R1S3N SORRY**

**CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT.**

**GC: OR T4**

**GC: OR 4G 1 GU3SS**

**GC: OR C4**

**GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S**

**GC: 4S 1M F1ND1NG OUT**

**CG: WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANY OF THOSE DOUBLETALKING ASSHOLES.**

**GC: 1 C4NT!**

**GC: 1 GOTT4 ST3P OUT OF TH3 TR33 FOR 4 MOM3NT**

**GC: WH3N 1 COM3 B4CK 1 W1LL 3NT3R TH3 G4M3**

**GC: CY4!**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

And then someone else began bothering him.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**AG: Psssssssst.**

**AG: Hey 8rave leader.**

**CG: OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME.**

**AG: Can I join your team?**

**CG: YES I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, BECAUSE THERE IS A WIDE OPEN SLOT FOR THE MOST VILE BACKSTABBING SOCIOPATH WHO EVER LIVED.**

**CG: YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT OF A JAM BY STEPPING FORWARD.**

**AG: Vile 8acksta88ing sociopath? Karkat, did you copy and p8ste that phrase directly from your personal ad descri8ing what you are looking for in a lady?**

**CG: HA HA HA!**

**CG: MORE CAGEY CUTESY BULLSHIT.**

**CG: LIKE I'M NOT UP TO MY LOBE STEM WITH THAT ALREADY HAVING TO DEAL WITH TEREZI.**

**CG: YOU BOTH MUST HAVE BEEN INSUFFERABLE WHEN YOU WERE A TEAM.**

**CG: YOUR OPPONENTS PROBABLY ALL JUST TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF PUTTING UP WITH YOUR FANGY GRINNED DRIVEL.**

**CG: THAT'S PROBABLY HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE THRESHER.**

**AG: That's not a 8ad guess! 8ut man! Karkat you sure are giving me a hard time.**

**AG: I don't see how we're supposed to 8e 8ecoming friends if you recoil from my olive 8ranch like I'm twitching a mummified 8ovine phallus in your direction.**

**CG: BECOMING FRIENDS, WHAT THE FUCK.**

**CG: WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS, MORON.**

**AG: Not even h8 friends?**

**CG: NO. MORE LIKE TWITCHY EYED PROJECTILE VOMITING IN UTTER DISGUST FRIENDS, WHILE I PERFORATE MY BONE BULGE WITH A CULLING FORK.**

**AG: Yessssssss. I'll take it!**

**CG: GET LOST.**

**AG: Anyway, I was just joking a8out wanting to 8e on your team.**

**AG: I'm already on the 8lue team.**

**CG: OH! OH REALLY?**

**CG: WAIT, LET ME COUNT OUT EIGHT OF THESE THINGS, HOLD ON. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?**

**CG: THERE, I AM NOW AN ENORMOUS TOOL FOREVER.**

**AG: Yes, Aradia and I have an arrangement. We will 8e co-leaders.**

**AG: (But really I will 8e the leader! Heh heh. Shh! Don't tell anyone!)**

**AG: What do you think, Karkat? Can you take on two dangerous laaaaaaaadies at once?**

**CG: YAWN.**

**AG: Come on! Aren't you a little nervous that I will oppose you? You should 8e!**

**CG: NO YOU'RE JUST A RUN OF THE MILL LITTLE PSYCHO GIRL, A TROLL CAEGAR A DOZEN.**

**CG: I'LL BE TAKING APART THE BLUE TEAM WITH BRUTAL EFFICIENCY, YOU'LL SEE.**

**CG: YOU NEVER PLAYED ONE OF YOUR DUMB GAMES WITH ME SO YOU NEVER HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING WHAT I CAN DO.**

**CG: ENJOY THE SHOW, SWEETHEART.**

**CG: JUST DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT USING YOUR MIND CONTROL TRICKS ON MY PLAYERS.**

**CG: REMEMBER YOUR TRUCE?**

**AG: Pshhhhhhhh. Those days are far 8ehind me.**

**AG: Anyway, I can't control just any8ody. They've got to 8e impressssssssiona8le. Like you!**

**CG: YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME.**

**AG: Sure I can. I just choose not to.**

**CG: YEAH OK.**

**AG: I find your mind totally unpalata8le to 8rowse. Looking into your 8rain is like pawing through a smelly dumpster.**

**AG: Full of 8roken glass and razor 8lades!**

**AG: And poop. D::::**

**CG: WHATEVER, DON'T EVEN TRY IT.**

**CG: I'VE GOT THE BETTER SCOURGE SISTER ON MY TEAM AND IF YOU BREAK YOUR TRUCE YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER TO HER.**

**CG: THE FUNNY THING IS SHE WAS ALWAYS WAY BETTER THAN YOU EVEN WITHOUT ANY POWERS.**

**CG: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I KNOW YOUR WHOLE STORY.**

**CG: YOU WERE ALWAYS JEALOUS SHE COULD MANIPULATE PEOPLE SO WELL WITHOUT RESORTING TO CHEAP MIND TRICKS.**

**CG: HAHA, I CAN TELL THIS BURNS YOU AND I CAN'T EVEN PAW THROUGH YOUR DUMPSTER!**

**CG: CHALK IT UP AS ANOTHER INFURIATING VICTORY FOR GUTTER BLOOD OVER ARISTOCRACY.**

**CG: OH WHAT'S THAT, NOTHING TO SAY?**

**CG: WOW SPEECHLESS I GUESS. YOU'RE PROBABLY CRYING RIGHT NOW. THAT WOULD MAKE MY FUCKING DAY.**

**CG: HEY LOOK AT ME BEING THE ONE TO TALK SHIT AT WARP SPEED THEN LOG OFF BEFORE YOU CAN REPLY.**

**CG: BYE, IDIOT.**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

**AG: Oh, 8ack so soon! Did your thum8 slip on the 8utton?**

**AG: I guess you can't get enough of me.**

**AG: ::::)**

**CG: YOU MADE ME DO THAT.**

**CG: AND YOU KNOW IT.**

**AG: You 8n't got nothing on me and you can't prove shit!**

**AG: Anyway, Karkat, I just wanted to say.**

**AG: 3**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**


	56. Book 4 Chapter 9: arachnidsGrip

Chapter 9: arachnidsGrip

The narrative tried to shift to the other asshole, but somehow ended up on **CT**. He stood in a room with broken troll robots and his horse lusus, who had pecs and a moustache as well as udders. His walls were covered with pictures of nude humanoid horses with huge… um… nether areas…

We can probably stand to delay this guy's introduction a little longer. Why not see what someone else is up to? Anyone! HURRY!

Okay, good. We switch to a vague teaser of the final unseen troll in the nick of time. A girl with a trident poked and prodded a red cuttlefish. Her right hand was covered in bracelets.

She wore maroon goggles and a band on her head with the symbol of Pisces on it. She smiled as she culled the cuttlefish.

Aradia sat on the desecrated frog head from the temple and flew it back to her hive to get the blue team's session started. It had been a while.

She revisited the remains of her quaint, rural hive. Her lawnring and the small excavation sites she'd dug up for practice around it were all overgrown with vegetation. She hadn't been here since the night of the accident. On that night she'd found her calling. The voices of the dead had grown louder, urging her to return to the ruins she'd discovered not long before. She'd left so abruptly, she hadn't even had time to bury her lusus. But that was fine, because trolls didn't usually bury the dead. Leaving bodies to be consumed by wild animals was more customary.

She landed within the ruins, opened the Crosbytop, and waited for SGRUB to begin. She watched as the loading screen ran through the spirographs. See, Aradia had an arrangement to begin the session as co-leader with on of the blue bloods. She understood this player intended to make a power grab, and take sole possession of the leadership role. Such subterfuge was typical of their caste. But Aradia was perfectly okay with this. It was one of the many things she was okay with.

She'd allowed her coplayer to enter The Medium first. She understood that the leadership role was essentially meaningless, aside from offering the distinction of being the first player to enter. She also understood that entering the game second had always been her intention.

She also had a server player connecting to her, someone she'd personally selected for the role. The devices required for entry were deployed.

The kernelsprite awaited prototyping. But unlike all eleven other players, her dead lusus was not available. She had to use something else.

Aradia levitated the frog head telekinetically and threw it into the kernel. This prototyping would prove to be critical for later success. Just another of many assurances whispered by the dead. She'd long since stopped questioning them, or doubting the future significance of even spontaneous acts of frivolous desecration.

Compelling her nonplussed server player to perform this task might have proven difficult. Luckily, her telekinesis, an ability greatly magnified by her calling, would be sufficient to move the massive object even if the SGRUB game cursor was not.

Nepeta, Aradia's server player, watched in mystification as the Frogsprite was produced. She really just had no idea what the hell was going on.

A bit later on, Aradia entered The Medium, taking her place in the Land of Quartz and Melody as the Maid of Time. Meanwhile, her client player had been exploring another world. The blue blood had a present for her. The present could not be duplicated via alchemy, at least not during this stage of the game. It would cost too much grist, a detail which the other player had not been aware of. He would have to progress to the second gate of his own world, arrive through the gate above Aradia's hive, and deliver the present in person. Facilitating this delivery was one of the reasons why it had been important for her to enter second.

Nepeta's confusion was only in part due to learning the ropes of a new game. There was a more significant reason for her befuddlement. While she'd followed Aradia's advice and gone through the simple motions of game setup, at no point had Aradia been visible on her monitor.

Nepeta had seen the damaged hive. She'd seen the alchemiter and the other devices she'd deployed. She'd seen the strange computing device on the floor, bearing the visage of a species she hadn't recognized. She'd even seen a great bit stone frog head fly through the air all by itself, and become the Frogsprite. And though she would ask why, and Aradia would always delay the answer, the fact remained. Nepeta hadn't been able to see her.

Or, that was, Nepeta hadn't been able to see her up until the sprite's second prototyping, when Aradia floated into the Frogsprite and made herself Aradiasprite. And the reason that Nepeta hadn't been able to see her before was quite simply that Aradia had been dead all along.

We are all completely blown away by this stunning revelation. Wow. Dead. Really? Like a ghost? Huh.

**arsenicCatnip [AC]****began trolling****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AC: :33 aradia i can s33 you!**

**AC: :33 that is you right**

**AA: yes**

**AC: :33 why are you the floating frog all of a sudden?**

**AA: im dead**

**AA: my spirit merged with the fr0gsprite**

**AC: :33 wow**

**AC: :33 dead**

**AC: :33 really?**

**AA: like a gh0st**

**AC: :33 huh**

**AC: :33 well i hope this doesnt make me sound dumb**

**AC: :33 but i am completely blown away by that stunning revelation!**

**AA: y0u d0nt s0und dumb**

**AC: :33 whew! :33**

**AC: :33 how did you die?**

**AA: i ign0red the advice 0f a friend**

**AA: and made s0me bad ch0ices**

**AC: :33 *ac rumples up her nose in purrplexment at aa's really vague and spooky answer***

**AC: :33 but actually thats good because i kind of think i dont want to know**

**AC: :33 its making me sad to think about :((**

**AA: 0k**

**AA: nepeta can y0u please keep this a secret**

**AC: :33 yes i purrmise i wont tell anyone about it**

**AC: :33 and by purrmise i mean promise just so you know im serious!**

**AA: thank y0u**

**AA: ribbit**

**AA: wh00ps**

**AC: :33 h33 h33 h33!**

Aradia decided to switch the narrative, _finally_, to the huge bitch (bluh bluh). A mysterious spider troll girl stood in her respiteblock, wearing an odd pair of glasses. One lens was transparent and the other completely black and opaque. One of her horns was forked on the end like a wrench and the other bent down. She wore a dark gray jacket over her black shirt and blue pants. Her shirt had a blue symbol of Scorpio on it. One of her arms had been torn off in an accident due to a particularly dangerous Flarping session, and her robot-building friend had built a robo-arm for her, which she currently had on. She wore a pair of white and red shoes, one of which was currently resting on a broken eight ball. In fact, her respiteblock was filled with broken eight balls and dice. Weird...

Anyway, this girl's name was Vriska Serket. She was a master of extreme role playing, and couldn't get enough of it, or really any game with high stakes and chance. She'd persisted with the habit in spite of her accident. But then again, she didn't have much choice.

Vriska's lusus was very hungry, all the time. She could only be appeased by the flesh of young trolls.

Anyway, on another note, Vriska liked to cloud campaigns for teams of Flarpers, utilizing her abilities for orchestrating the demise of the impressssssssiona8le. Her victories supplied her with treasure, experience points, and spider food.

She was somewhat of an apocalyptic buff, which was something you could be on Alternia. She was fascinated with end of the world scenarios, and enjoyed constructing doomsday devices for the hell of it. He was drawn to means of dark prognostication and the advantages they offered, particularly in gaming scenarios. Her abilities in this department had been hobbled with the loss of her vision eightfold, and she'd since sought alternatives through various black oracles. She consulted with these ominous globes, but routinely destroyed them in frustration over the puzzling guaranteed inaccuracy of their predictions. Breaking them had developed into a habit bordering on fetishistic, and with each one she destroyed, she added to an insurmountable stockpile of terrible luck. She had to stop, but addiction was a powerful thing.

Her trolltag was **arachnidsGrip **and her **st8ments tended to 8e just a little 8it overdramaaaaaaaatic.**

Vriska checked out the drawing on her wall. She'd drawn her own role playing character for fun, as many Flarpers were prone to do. She was the best character, and Vriska wished she was her. Oh wait, Vriska _was _her! Her wish had been granted, probably as a special boon for being so great at everything.

Her alternate persona was named Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, scourge of land dwellers and sea dwellers alike, and worst nightmare to silly boy-skylarks everywhere. She had accumulated more treasure and gained more levels than any member of the petticoat seagrift class ever. She'd gained all of the levels. All of them. Yeah!

Vriska proceeded to her computer. She had a lot to do. So many irons in the fire OW! Lousy dice. She just couldn't seem to go anywhere in her hive without stepping on an errant D4. Pointy little bastards. It was just her bad luck, she guessed. She'd had such terrible luck ever since her accident. And it just kept getting worse. As far as she was concerned, the world couldn't end soon enough.

Oh. As she'd been saying. So many irons in the fire. Such a tangled web. It was a web full of flaming irons and mixed metaphors. Tonight was a bit night. She had a lot of meddling to catch up on tonight. Bugging and fussing and meddling.

She equipped her enchanted dice set, the fabled fluorite octet. It consisted of eight D8, plundered from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. In ancient times, such weapons had been employed by roving bands of Gambligants, deadly marauders with a passion for chance. They'd all died off, though. Taken too many risks.

Rolling the dice would execute a wide range of highly unpredictable attacks. Very high rolls could be devastating to even the most powerful opponents. Of course, with the luck she'd had lately, though, she couldn't make a good roll to save her life. She _had _to do something about this awful luck.

"Gotta catch a br8k!" She said exasperatedly. When she got worked up she put 8's in places that didn't really make a lot of sense phonetically.

Okay, it was time to get this show on the road. There were SO many people to meddle with tonight. Well, after she ditched an unwelcome solicitor first, that was. Didn't **GA** realize how rude it was to meddle? Vriska would fuss with her meddling later.

Oh, what now?! Someone else was bothering her? She looked to see who it was. Oh, HIM. She thought she'd washed her hands of him. Strange timing that he was bugging her tonight after so long without a peep from him. She highlight what he'd said. "Hello," it was. She highlighted the rest of what the guy said as a courtesy to the reader.

**Hello.**

**AG: Oh my god, why are you talking to me?**

**This is the last time we'll ever talk.**

**AG: Still sticking with the white text I see. So smooth and stylish!**

**AG: I forgot how much I loved highlighting it to read all the 8oring things you have to say.**

**AG: It's like a fun game for super extra handicapped retarded people. Like opening a present! Find out what o8noxious thing the mystery tool typed.**

**AG: What is it!**

**A parting courtesy, I suppose.**

**All the ways I've exploited you were meant to bring about the events that will take place this evening.**

**Knowing this will provide context for the events in your near future, and will affect how you behave in response.**

**These events will be just as important as those preceding it.**

**I've gone to great lengths, you see.**

**AG: You didn't exploit me.**

**AG: You are just a petty douche with a 8ad temper who likes to pl8y g8mes, and all I did w8s humor you.**

**I did exploit you, very thoroughly. It was easy.**

**AG: So full of yourself!**

**Have I ever lost a game?**

**AG: Don't ch8nge the su8ject!**

**What subject are you referring to?**

**AG: XXXXO**

**AG: I'm going to log off in a 8ig huff and you have to promise not to use that nasty trick where you log me 8ack on out of petty douchey spite!**

**AG: And then we can go 8ack to never ever talking, 8ecause man! That was heaven when it was like th8t!**

**There's no need for that kind of assurance.**

**I'll be brief.**

**I no longer hold you accountable for any wrongdoing. In fact, I've given your transgression very little thought since the incident.**

**If you acknowledge this amnesty and regard it as sincere, you may begin to find the odds falling in your favor again.**

**This may be essential if you are to succeed on your journey.**

**AG: Mm hmm. Slow down! Man.**

**AG: I am just wearing out so many pens taking all these important notes! Fuuuuuuuuck!**

**AG: Fuck you for ruining all my good note-taking pens and giving me this terri8le cramp in my good note-taking hand!**

**Incredible, the risks you take with your scorn.**

**But of course it was your unpleasant, simplistic temperament that made you so easy to control.**

**Vicious and predictable, like an insect.**

**If you turn a swarm of wasps on a crowd, the outcome is certain.**

**It takes no skilled strategist to understand this. You were in fact a waste of my talents.**

**A primitive expedient.**

**AG: Blech. What a sno8. You're worse than my meddley meddler meddlefriend.**

**I wonder why they waste their camaraderie on you. I'll never understand it.**

**AG: I thought you said you would 8e 8rief?**

**I'll say one last thing.**

**Though the magnitude of the ensuing destruction resulting directly from your actions will be neither possible or necessary for you to fathom, there nevertheless ought to be a silver lining.**

**The only question is whether you will live long enough to see it.**

**I'm not a gambling man.**

**But if I was, I wouldn't bet on it.**

**Goodbye.**

**AG: Zzzzzzzz. 8ye, assh8le.**

More hollow comebacks. As hollow and wishywashy as the inside of one of these dumb black globes. What use was all that attitude against a guy who was never wrong? It was so depressing, Vriska couldn't even work up the strength to smash the eight ball in her hand. Maybe she could stand to have some camaraderie wasted on her, even if it came from a meddley meddler meddlefriend.

She proceeded to converse with **GA**.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**AG: Whaaaaaaaat.**

**GA: Just Wanted To Know**

**GA: Is Your Lusus Dead Yet**

**AG: Huh? What kind of question is that!**

**AG: Is this a trick? Are you trying to sa8otage me? Are you in cahoots with someone?**

**GA: Uh No**

**AG: Cahoooooooots!**

**AG: Cahoots I say.**

**GA: You Sure Do Seem To Be Saying Cahoots**

**GA: Im Just Asking**

**GA: Because Mines Dead**

**AG: What? Oh no.**

**AG: How did that happen?**

**GA: It Was Just Her Time**

**AG: Really? Are you sure it wasn't sa8otage? I would suspect sa8otage if I was you.**

**GA: No There Was No Plot Or Conspiracy Or Any Trace Of Saboteurs Operating Through The Special And Magical Union One Can Only Describe As Being In Cahoots With Another**

**GA: When A Virgin Mother Grub Abdicates And Renounces Brooding**

**GA: Her Time Will Be Relatively Short**

**GA: I Always Knew This**

**AG: ::::(**

**AG: She was so cool, you had the coolest lusus of anyone I know.**

**AG: I wanted to meet her some day.**

**GA: Maybe You Still Can**

**AG: Yeah, meet her corpse! I guess that's not so bad a consol8tion prize.**

**AG: Seeing a 8ig dead cool mother gru8. Wow!**

**AG: You were so lucky. My lusus sucks! Haha.**

**AG: Why did you ask if she's dead, anyway? Do you know something?**

**GA: They Are All Dying**

**GA: Or Are Going To Soon**

**GA: I Believe Its A Preemptive Consequence Of The Game We Are About To Play**

**GA: If A Preemptive Consequence Is A Concept That Can Be Said To Hold Any Meaning**

**GA: But From What I Understand If It Is Applicable In Any Sphere At All Then This Game Holds That Sphere**

**AG: Okaaaaaaaay, I don't really get that. So you can just go ahead think I'm some dum8 flighty 8road again.**

**GA: I Wasnt Going To Think That**

**GA: You Know What I Dont Think Even I Really Understand What I Just Said So Nevermind**

**AG: Now you have me a little worried. Man! I hope she's ok.**

**AG: Why would this happen? This is just my luck. Have some died 8esides yours?**

**AG: And uh, you know who's, I guess. ::::o**

**GA: Yes A Few**

**GA: Karkat Thinks Its His Fault**

**GA: He Believes His Actions Triggered An Inauspicious Chain Reaction**

**AG: You mean a curse?**

**GA: Sure**

**AG: Wow, between his curse and my shitty luck we are so screwed.**

**GA: Im Not Surprised To See You Endorse His Paranoia Without Hesitation**

**GA: But I Was Attempting To Illustrate A Point In Bringing It Up**

**AG: Whew! There goes another one sailing over the idi8t girl's head! Ok, lay it on me.**

**GA: These Events Are Inevitable And Regardless Of Whatever Emotional Entanglements Obfuscate Their Significance They Will Ultimately Serve An Important Purpose**

**GA: The Curse Had Nothing To Do With It**

**GA: And Karkats Notion Of A Curse Is Inseparable From His Perception Of Events As Intrinsically Negative And As Tailored To His Personal Dissatisfaction**

**GA: And Your Bad Luck Is The Same Way**

**GA: I Believe Anyway**

**AG: Uh. Ok.**

**GA: What Would Happen If You Just Cleaned Up A Bit**

**GA: Dont You Think You Would Step On A Few Less Hard Triangles**

**AG: Why do you try to help me and stuff? What's the point!**

**AG: It's kind of bothersome. And insulting sometimes!**

**AG: So I have a messy room. 8ig deal. My luck fucking 8lows! It's got nothing to do with it and you just don't even know.**

**AG: Meddler. Why you so meddley, Miss Meddlesome McFussyfangs?**

**GA: Because Youre Dangerous**

**AG: No way! I'm just fine. Why don't you can it.**

**GA: Every Time You Tell Me To Can It I Think Its Funny**

**GA: I Mean Its Just A Funny Thing To Say Dont You Think**

**AG: ::::P**

**GA: Its Ok To Be Dangerous**

**GA: Lots Of People Are**

**GA: And Dangerous People Can Be Really Important**

**GA: Maybe Even The Most Important Sometimes**

**GA: But It Just Means Theres Got To Be Someone Around To Keep An Eye On Them**

**GA: And If Not Me Then Who**

**GA: Everyone Has An Important Job To Do**

**AG: Ok, so you're spying on me. Kind of creepy! Man, m8y8e you should get a l8fe.**

**AG: Or you know, if you're so h8gh 8nd might8 an8 th8nk you're so gr8at, m8y88 you c8uld oh I d8n't kn8w...**

**AG: TRY AND ST8P ME FROM DO8NG B8D THINGS?**

**GA: That Wouldnt Work**

**GA: If I Tried To Stop You You Would Regard Me As An Enemy**

**GA: Instead Of Merely As A Nuisance**

**GA: And What Good Would That Do**

**GA: So Im Afraid Mcfussyfangs It Must Be**

**AG: U88888888h!**

**AG: Ok, gr8. Fine! I'm going to check on my lusus now.**

**AG: 8ut I'm starting to think you are full of shit, and I am quite sure she will 8e QU8TE FIN8!**

**GA: Youre Right Anything Can Happen I Guess**

**GA: But Just So You Know Im Sorry For Your Loss In Advance**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**AG: Aaaaaaaah!**

**AG: Man, why d8dn't I just get th8 last w8rd and sign off real qu8ck like I usu8lly do?**

**AG: Let you sne8k th8t stink8n' littl8 ninja quip in th8r8. Ah! So m8d.**

**AG: Lousy st8pid godd8mn supportive fri8nd!**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

Vriska left her respiteblock and walked down the like fifty million stairs to her lusus's nest below. She wondered if any other kid on the planet had such a high-maintenance lusus? She doubted it.

Through a window that she passed as she walked down the stairs was one of her completed doomsday devices. She'd promised she would build it for an especially powerful and influential member of the nautical aristocracy, in return for his collusion during her campaigns. Some guy she was in cahoots with! She guessed none of it mattered now, though. It had been tough to build, and wasn't perfect yet. Luckily, one of her friends nearby was pretty handy with technology. He could be tapped for parts and favors frequently.

Vriska wondered if any other kid on the planet had as many irons in the fire as her. She doubted it.

She finally reached the bottom of the stairs and exited her hive. Yup, there was her lusus, the giant and terrible Spidermom. She was fine. Fine and huge and hungry as ever. She… she guessed she was relieved? Yes, of course. Whew! Why would she have been? It would be devastating should anything happen to Vriska's dear, sweet custodian. She sat on her web as usual, dangling over a gaping chasm and suspended by a large stone pillar and the mainland, both of which could never break. Ever. Above Spidermom, the doomsday device hung from four large chains.

The mainland supported Vriska's house on it, while the pillar carried her neighbor's. Oh, it was no use delaying the neighbor's introduction anymore. I mean, as long as we were in the area. Vriska's neighbor was the dark blue Sagittarius troll with the cracked shades, ridge-bottomed shoes. Remember? The one with the nude horses and broken robots? Okay, I'm ready for his introduction. Let's find out who this sucker is.


	57. Book 4 Chapter 10: centaursTesticle

Chapter 10: centaursTesticle

The indigo Sagittarius troll boy was named Equius Zahhak. One of his horns was like an arrow, shape reminiscent of the Sagittarius symbol, and the other may have been previously, but it was currently broken off near the base. His shirt, rather than being a tee like the others', was a tank top with his dark blue symbol on it.

He loved being strong. In fact, he was so strong, he would surely be the class of the elite legion of the Ruffiannihilators. And, while such a calling would be quite honorable, he would prefer to join the ranks of the Archeradicators, perhaps the most noble echelon the imperial force had to offer. Unfortunately, he sucked at archery. He had not successfully fired a single arrow. The reason was that every time he tried, he pulled so hard the bow broke. He was simply too strong. The floor of his respiteblock was littered with these broken archery instruments, as breaking them had developed into a habit bordering on fetishistic. He had to stop. But addiction was a powerful thing.

Equius had a great appreciation for the fine arts. He used his aristocratic connections to acquire priceless masterpieces, painted in the oldest and most respected Alternian tradition of nude musclebeast portraits. These striking depictions of the exquisite fauna native to Alternia reminded him of the purest physical ideal that must be sought by anyone who professed a love of strength. When those of lesser bloodlines turned up their uncultured noses at such stunning material, it made his FURIOUS!

Actually, practically everything made Equius furious. He had so much rage, it could only be expressed through staggering quantities of physical violence. He built strong and sturdy robots, set them to kill mode, and beat the shit out of them in caged brawls. Sometimes he lost his teeth. He was missing two of his teeth right now, in fact. Thankfully though, they usually grew back.

His trolltag was **centaursTesticle**and with his bow and arrow ever at the ready, he **D - Took e%ception to 100d language unbefitting of b100 b100ds**.

Now where had that craven excuse for a custodian gone? It made Equius furious when he went missing like this. Probably off somewhere nursing the bruises Equius had given him. He swore, the old boy was made of glass. He was starting to get agitated.

"Aurthour! Where are you?" Suddenly, his lusus clopped into his room and held out a tray with an ice cold glass of nutritious lusus milk. It had a thick, foamy head on it, just the way Equius liked it. He could not hope to best Aurthour in a butler-off. The lusus was simply the best there was.

He accepted the frosty beverage and gave the good fellow a grateful pat, as gently as possible with his black-gloved hand. A hand-shaped bruise appeared on Aurthour's head. Seriously, he was like a soft summer peach!

Equius downed the glass of milk. Lusus milk was the secret to being strong. Actually it wasn't. He liked to think that though. The truth was he was really strong because he was kind of a freak. He'd been chosen by one of the strongest lusus species on the planet. It was the only sort of custodian who could have handled raising him. He tightened his fist as he drank the white liquid. Whoops, there went the glass, as usual. The shards of the transparent material flittered to the ground.

Also as usual, the broken glass sent him into a rage. The spilled milk quickly evaporated in his heated presence. He had to do something to calm himself down. Let off some steam.

Aurthour vacuumed up the mess while the troll equiupped… I mean, equipped a bow. A little archery practice was sure to cool him off. But of course, the piece of shit snapped like a twig the moment he picked it up. Actually, the feel of the brittle wood giving way under the astonishing might of his mangrit was starting to calm him down already. He equipped the broken object to his 1/2bowkind specibus, which was pretty much useless.

He also kept a plain old bowkind specibus in the event that he was able to fire an arrow some day. Because a boy could dream, right? But for more practical purposes, he kept a fistkind specibus on hand. Equius stowed them all in his strife portfolio. Yeah, remember that? The strife portfolio? It still existed. It never stopped existing or anything.

It appeared as though someone was trolling him. Oh, it was Nepeta. What did she want? They proceeded to have a conversation that we read not all that long ago. It went mostly like this:

**CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no**

But when all had been said and done, he was quite sure he'd convinced his good friend to stay on the right team. Not the team full of degenerates with swill coursing through their veins. Equius was starting to get worked up again. Routine helped calm him down. Maybe he'd talk to another friend. A specific friend. He talked to the guy every day for some reason. Though it wasn't exactly right to call him a friend, since Equius despised him. Their relationship with the fellow was difficult to describe.

Oh, by the way, it should be noted that in troll language, the word from friend was exactly the same as the word for as enemy.

**centaursTesticle [CT]** **began trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**CT: D - Have I ever told you what a reprehensible disgrace you are**

**TC: hAhA, fUcK yEaH, oNlY eVeRy MoThErFuCkIn DaY bRo!**

**CT: D - I'm not in a very good mood**

**CT: D - There are a few things I'd like to get off my chest**

**TC: MoThErFuCkIn SpIlL iT, dOn'T bE aLl KeEpIn ThAt ShIt BoTtLeD uP**

**TC: lIkE a FuCkIn AlL sHaKeD uP bOtTlE oF fAyGo.**

**TC: FuCk DoGg I'm ThIrStY.**

**TC: i'M dOwN tO mY lAsT bOtTlE aNd I dOn'T fUcKiN kNoW iF i CaN gEt AnYmOrE iN tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiN mAgIc LaNd So I dOn'T kNoW.**

**CT: D - What you do appear to know is e%actly how to ma%imize my livid contempt for you**

**CT: D - With your revolting language and your sense of decorum**

**CT: D - At such breathtaking odds with the richness and perfe%ion of your b100d**

**CT: D - I just hate you so much**

**TC: ThAt'S cOoL, i CaN't AlL bE mAkInG nOt EvErYbOdY hApPy AlL tHe TiMe.**

**TC: iF wE eVeR mEt I cOuLd BaKe YoU a FuCkIn PiE aNd We CoUlD cHiLl AnD mAyBe We'D bE bEtTeR bRoS tHaT wAy.**

**CT: D - And the degrees to which you pollute your precious b100d**

**CT: D - With your bottled fizzy sugar and soporific to%ins**

**CT: D - Maddening**

**CT: D - You will stop**

**TC: WhOaAaA, i WiLl?**

**TC: hOw Do YoU kNoW tHaT?**

**CT: D - No, you don't understand**

**CT: D - It's not a predi%ion, it's an order**

**CT: D - I command you to stop**

**TC: Oh, AlRiGhT bRoThEr.**

**TC: yOu MoThErFuCkIn GoT iT.**

**CT: D - What**

**CT: D - Are you serious**

**TC: yEaH.**

**TC: I mEaN, yOu GoT tO sHoW sOmE fAiTh In YoUr FrIeNdS, cAuSe ThEy'Re AlL tHe OnEs WhO'rE bEiNg To LoOk OuT fOr YoU.**

**TC: sO fUcK iF yOu SaY i'M nOt DoInG tHe ShIt RiGhT, tHeN wHaT tHe MoThErFuCk Do I kNoW!**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - This is una%eptable**

**CT: D - Ok, let's start over**

**CT: D - I apologize**

**CT: D - I was completely out of of line, and I'm sorry**

**CT: D - I have no right to talk to you like that, or tell you what you can't do**

**TC: aWw, No WoRrIeS!**

**CT: D - It's not my place**

**CT: D - Your habits notwithstanding, I am lesser than you**

**CT: D - An inferior**

**TC: hAhAhA. oK.**

**CT: D - Don't you understand that you're better than me**

**CT: D - Can you please act like it**

**CT: D - That's not a command, it's just a polite request I guess**

**TC: oK, i CaN tRy, BuT mAn I dOn'T kNoW iF i KnOw HoW tO bE lIkE a BeTtEr MoThErFuCkEr ThAn AnY oThEr MoThErFuCkEr.**

**CT: D - 100k, it isn't that difficult**

**CT: D - Try to be cognizant of your desires and needs**

**CT: D - And attempt to regard those around you as simple vehicles meant to bring about your gratification**

**TC: WoW, wHaT?**

**CT: D - What are you doing**

**TC: uHhHhHh.**

**CT: D - Right now**

**CT: D - It sounds as if you have begun playing with the red team**

**CT: D - Is this true**

**TC: yEaH!**

**TC: fUcK yEaH. i'M aLl Up In ThE fUcKiN sHiT oF tHiS wIcKeD mYsTiCaL mOtHeRfUcKeR.**

**TC: i BoNkEd An ImP oN tHe HeAd WiTh A cLuB.**

**TC: AnD tHeN a LiTtLe LaTeR i ScArEd OnE wItH a HoRn.**

**TC: :o)**

**CT: D - Good**

**CT: D - This is very good**

**CT: D - It really pleases me to hear tales of physical subjugation**

**CT: D - I presume these were lesser beings, toiling in the lower ranks of some hierarchy**

**TC: wElL yEaH, tHeY'rE uNdErLiNgS.**

**TC: AnD tHeRe'S SoMe SuBjUgGlAtIoN iNvOlVeD fOr FuCkIn SuRe!**

**TC: bUt NoW wE kInD oF sEtTlEd DoWn AnD mE aNd ThE iMpS aRe ShArInG sOmE pIe**

**TC: tHeSe MoThErFuCkErS aRe PrEtTy DoPe AcTuAlLy, I lIkE tHeM.**

**CT: D - Ok**

**CT: D - It pleases me considerably less to hear things like that**

**CT: D - But I've already stated I have no right to be disappointed by your conduct, so I will try to control myself**

**TC: aW sHiT bRo, I dOn'T wAnT tO bE aLl LiKe To DiSaPpOiNt YoU!**

**TC: WhAt CaN i Do To MaKe A bRoThEr FuCkIn ShApE hIs ShIt Up?**

**TC: iF i CoUlD mAkE yOu SmIlE iT'd Be ThE bEsT fUcKiN mIrAcLe I eVeR dId PaRt Of.**

**TC: hOnK hOnK hOnK! :o)**

**CT: D - Hmm**

**CT: D - Would it be too much to ask**

**CT: D - For you to maybe**

**CT: D - Boss me around a little**

**TC: UuUhHhHhH.**

**TC: yOu MeAn LiKe RoLe PlAyInG?**

**CT: D - If it would help to couch it in those terms**

**CT: D - Then yeah, I guess so**

**CT: D - But not the especially juvenile kind**

**CT: D - Let's keep it serious and professional**

**TC: i'Ll TrY, bUt I'm NoT mUcH fUcKiN aNy GoOd At It I tHiNk.**

**CT: D - Just**

**CT: D - Say anything**

**CT: D - As long as it's authoritative**

**TC: oK.**

**TC: uH, hEy YoU, dOn'T gO nEaR tHe MoThErFuCkIn OcEaN, cAuSe I aLl ToLd YoU nOt To A bUnCh Of TiMeS!**

**TC: ShIt Is StRaIgHt Up DaNgErOuS, aNd I'm GeTtInG mY hArSh On AbOuT iT.**

**CT: D - Hmm**

**CT: D - Decent**

**CT: D - I don't live near the ocean though, so it's hard to immerse myself in the scenario**

**TC: aLrIgHt, WeLl, WhAt ArEn'T yOu AlL nOt SuPpOsEd To Do?**

**TC: WhAt KiNd Of MiScHiEf Do YoU gEt YoUr BaD fUcKiN sElF uP tO?**

**CT: D - I do so many bad things**

**CT: D - Just awful things**

**CT: D - I'm incredibly impudent and a superior needs to put me in my place**

**TC: uMmMm, Ok WeLl.**

**TC: DoN't Be DoIn AlL tHoSe BaD fUcKiN tHiNgS bRo!**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - Yes, that's good**

**CT: D - Like that**

**TC: cUt ThAt ShIt OuT, i'M sO aLl MeAnInG tHiS! hAhAhA.**

**CT: D - E%cellent**

**CT: D - Now tell me this, highb100d**

**CT: D - I've been roughhousing a little too hard lately**

**CT: D - I've made a bit of a mess and anyone in a position of authority would surely be % about it**

**TC: Uh.**

**TC: %?**

**CT: D - Cross**

**TC: oHhH.**

**CT: D - What do you make of it**

**CT: D - This wretched misbehavior**

**TC: fUcK mAn, I aM sO mOtHeRfUcKiN sAlTy AbOuT aLl ThAt BuSiNeSs YoU sAiD!**

**TC: FuUuUuCk, Im LiKe AlL mOvInG mY mOuTh AnD tHe WiCkEd NoIsE iS cOmInG oUt In ThE fRoNtIeSt WaY pOsSiBlE.**

**TC: aNd It'S gOiNg At YoUr DiReCtIoN, cAuSe ThAt'S tHe DiReCtIoN tO fUcKiN bE aNgRy At!**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - So good**

**CT: D - I am presently whipped into a state of contrition**

**CT: D - One befitting of our class disparity**

**CT: D - But I'm starting to perspire again so it's best that we stop**

**CT: D - Thank you for indulging me**

**TC: hAhA, nO pRoBlEm BrO.**

**TC: It'S cOoL wE cOuLd AlL uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn OpEn Up A lItTlE bIt WiTh EaCh OtHeR.**

**TC: lIkE bRoS.**

**TC: If ThErE's StUfF yOu WaNt To GeT oFf YoUr ChEsT dUdE, lIkE i SaId I'm FuCkIn HeRe FoR a MoThErFuCkEr.**

**TC: kInD oF lIkE a MiRaClE, hOw It'S aLwAyS tHeRe. **

**TC: It NeVeR gOeS aWaY, yOu KnOw?**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - But I comprehend the sentiment**

**CT: D - I have lots of thoughts, but they're difficult to communicate**

**CT: D - If you'll listen**

**TC: sUrE! :oD**

**CT: D - Honestly I'm confused by the social order**

**TC: mAn, Me ToO. i DoN't KnOw WhAt Of FuCkIn WhAt CoLoR iS wHaT, sO i DoN't BoThEr WiTh ThInKiN oN tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR.**

**CT: D - See, that's what I mean**

**CT: D - How is it possible for one of your distin%ion to be so ignorant**

**CT: D - And loathesome**

**CT: D - Whereas**

**CT: D - A member of the most abject, verminous b100dline of all**

**CT: D - Can conduct herself with such grace and possess nothing but admirable mannerisms**

**CT: D - I find these striking ju%tapositions perple%ing, and I confess strangely into%icating**

**CT: D - I wonder if I have gone mad**

**CT: D - To form such a pact with her**

**TC: WoW, i GoT nO fUcKiN cLuE wHaT yOu'Re TaLkInG aBoUt**

**TC: wHo Is ShE?**

**CT: D - I shouldn't be talking about this**

**CT: D - You're the enemy**

**centaursTesticle [CT]** **ceased trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****centaursTesticle [CT]**

**AG: Equiiiiiiiiuuuuuuuus.**

**CT: D - What**

**AG: Hey! I'm a8out to meddle with so many losers right now.**

**CT: D - How many**

**AG: So many! All the losers. All of them.**

**CT: D - Good**

**CT: D - Use your cunning and venom to make them envy our nobility**

**AG: Oh man, was that sarcasm? That sounded like sarcasm!**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - Humorous insincerity is for pedantic wigglers**

**AG: Pshhhhhhhh, I know! I know you never make jokes. I was the one 8eing sarcastic, you stooge!**

**AG: I was 8eing sarcastic a8out you 8eing sarcastic. Duh.**

**CT: D - That's because you're a little worse than me**

**AG: The fuck I am! Anyway. Hey!**

**AG: Did you finish Aradia's present yet? I'm a8out to fuss with her and I want to know if I can keep my promise or if you're gonna make a liar out of me.**

**CT: D - It's finished**

**CT: D - I'll deliver it shortly**

**AG: Great! Thanks, 8uddy. I'll 8e w8ting here for you.**

**CT: D - I'm happy to help**

**CT: D - But I don't understand why you're intent on gratifying that worthless peasant**

**AG: 8ecause I promised I would and it's none of your damn 8usiness! Man.**

**AG: Quit your prying! Always fidgeting and poking and prying.**

**CT: D - Fine**

**CT: D - Then let's proceed with the plan in a curt and professional manner**

**AG: Agreeeeeeeed.**

**AG: So just to review!**

**AG: We will let Aradia perpetr8 her cute little ploy on Sollux and usurp his power.**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AG: Isn't it funny when these chumps try to get all tactical and underhanded? It's really adora8le!**

**CT: D - I guess it is pretty quaint**

**AG: Anyway. She makes her little powergra8, and that's when we 8oth step in and usurp her as co-leaders.**

**AG: Right?**

**CT: D - That's the plan**

**AG: Ok, good. Then the 8est team will 8e led 8y the two highest 8loods, the way it should 8e!**

**AG: Or at least, the highest 8loods who aren't shitty clown worshippers or under water freaks. Sound good?**

**CT: D - Yes, we're in absolute agreement**

**AG: Yes.**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AG: Yes.**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AG: Yeeeeeeees!**

**CT: D - Stop**

**AG: Gr8! What a gr8 team we are.**

**AG: Heeeeeeeey...**

**AG: You wouldn't 8e planning anything sneaky, would you?**


	58. Book 4 Chapter 11: Vriska's Meddling

Chapter 11: Vriska's Meddling

**CT: D - No, don't be absurd**

**CT: D - Are you**

**AG: What! How could you suggest such a thing! Man, so insulting.**

**CT: D - Ok**

**AG: Perfect. We have the perfect plan, and no one is plotting any sort of dou8lecrossings or 8acksta88ery or anything like that.**

**CT: D - There are no %%ings up my sleeve**

**CT: D - Also, I don't have sleeves**

**CT: D - I am as transparent as can be, and my word is my bond**

**AG: I know! Don't worry, dude. I trust you completely.**

**CT: D - You know**

**CT: D - I can feel you trying to read my mind**

**AG: 8ullshit!**

**AG: Pro8a8ly just another one of your many daily rage aneurysms.**

**AG: Why don't you cool your jets and have a glass of gross muscle8east milk?**

**CT: D - Get out of my head, it's making me angry**

**CT: D - Try to remember who built your arm for you**

**AG: Oh g8d!**

**AG: D8n't you d8re!**

Equius controlled Vriska's arm, causing her to robo-slap herself. He got up and left his respiteblock before she could troll him angrily, delving deeper into his hive where he stored many of his robotic projects. The lair doubled as a caged arena where he battled them.

Under a tarp to his left was the completed gift to Aradia. He of course had no intention of delivering this to his neighbor as promised. He would naturally doublecross his accomplice, just as he assumed she had plans to doublecross him. He assumed she was assuming the same of him. Business as usual for blue bloods.

Equius would deliver the gift to Aradia himself to gain her favor, and then doublecross her and take his rightful position as team leader. How ironic that someone of his blood purity had to work to gain the favor of the lowest sort of peasant. Humiliating. Strangely titillating, even. But in the end, class order would be restored.

Equius lifted the tarp, revealing his latest invention, the Aradiabot. She had a sparkling new chassis. He'd paid a great deal of attention to quality and detail in this model. She was perfect. He'd even painted on her Aries symbol in blue, to remind her of him…

Speaking of which, Equius wasn't quite sure what to make of the feelings the Aradiabot stirred. For one like him to entertain thoughts of attraction for such genetic filth would be utter depravity. Exquisite, delectable depravity.

"Why, Aradia!" he swooned. "It appears the red glass of your eye has caught the pink and green glint of the moons in their perigrees." The sweet poetry almost made a man forget how the grime that had once filled his veins made his stomach turn. It was a good omen for illicit lovers. Could you imagine the scandal if anyone found out? No one must ever know.

"But worry not," Equius said, leaning the robot backwards and puckering his lips. "Your heart will pump no more of that despicable red sludge. You have been given a new heart. You can be taught the ways of the class you were meant for. No one is beyond redemption.

"Be grateful, dear Aradia. For the first time in your meaningless life you have met a man with true compassion."

He leaned in closer to the robot before swiveling in place and turning towards one of the other robots in the brawl cage. "And just what do you think _you're_ looking at?" he asked. "Keep your cold, mechanical judgement to yourself. As if your own record is so spotless! Don't forget who made you.

"Oh, what's that?" he said, pretending the robot had spoken. "My, that is a smart mouth you have." That was the last straw. An example had to be made of this insubordination.

Equius punched the robot through the wall. The compromised internal system caused it to robo-splode in midair over the doomsday device. The robot's head bopped against Vriska's silly device, which was unfortuitously activated, and… the lousy thing broke.

He seriously could not believe how unbelievably shitty this so-called "doomsday device" was. Suddenly, two of the chains snapped and the device swung against Equius's pillar in a large explosion. Half of the robot-building troll's hive crumbled away into the deep crevice below, including most of his respiteblock. Vriska's Spidermom lusus was crushed by the rubble and Aurthour, who'd unfortunately been standing in the wrong half of Equius's respiteblock, fell into the crevice to the ground below, most certainly dead.

Moments earlier, Terezi stood on her roof in the Land of Thought and Flow, surrounded by five flying red demon imps. She held up her spear cane and threatened the imps, when suddenly, someone started to meddle with her through her glasses. It was Vriska.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**AG: It looks like tonight we will have to 8reak our truce. Or at least suspend it. Hope you don't mind!**

**GC: HOW DO YOU F1GUR3 TH4T**

**AG: Because tonight we will play a game together. For the first time in I don't even know. Forever!**

**GC: TH3 TRUC3 W4SNT 4BOUT NOT PL4Y1NG G4M3S TOG3TH3R DUMMY**

**GC: 1T W4S 4BOUT NOT ST4BB1NG 34CH OTH3R 1N TH3 B4CK 4NYMOR3**

**GC: 4ND STOPP1NG TH3 3NDL3SS CYCL3 OF R3V3NG3**

**GC: 4ND 4BOV3 4LL NOT US1NG YOUR POW3RS TO HURT P3OPL3 WHO DONT D3S3RV3 1T!**

**AG: Man, you like to give me such a hard time a8out all that. I can't catch a 8reak!**

**AG: Can't you see I'm trying to put all that 8ehind me and make amends with every8ody?**

**AG: No, of course you can't see that. What am I saying!**

**GC: 1T'S H4RD TO B3L13V3 YOU W1TH 4LL TH3 LY1NG YOUV3 DON3**

**GC: YOUR BLU3B3RRY BUBBL3GUM WORDS ST1LL SM3LL PR3TTY GOOD BUT YOUR D3C31T ST1NKS! 8O**

**AG: ::::(**

**AG: I'll prove it to you. I'm giving Aradia a present that will make her feel all 8etter finally.**

**AG: Then I'll 8e in the clear. Phew! Totally redeemed. You'll see. I mean smell.**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW WHY YOUR3 BOTH3R1NG TRY1NG TO H3LP H3R**

**GC: SH3 WONT C4R3**

**GC: WH4T3V3R 1T W4S YOU D1D TO H3R 1 TH1NK YOU BROK3 H3R BR41N**

**GC: 1TS SO T3RR1BL3**

**AG: Man, why can't you cut me some slack for once?**

**AG: It's not like I even did anything that 8ad to you.**

**AG: I lost seven eyes 8ut you only lost two! I would say you came out ahead in the 8argain.**

**GC: 1 KNOW**

**GC: 4ND 4CTU4LLY**

**GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TH3 CH4NC3 TO TH4NK YOU :D**

**AG: Ugh! Your sarcasm really stings when here I am just trying to 8e nice. Ok, I guess I deserve it.**

**GC: 1M S3R1OUS THOUGH**

**GC: BUT 1 DONT 3XP3CT YOU TO G3T TH4T**

**AG: Aaaaaaaah!**

**AG: Fine, 8e that way. But you shouldn't sit there and pretend we're so different.**

**AG: Remem8er Team Scourge? How convenient all that must 8e to have forgotten! You were so nasty.**

**AG: Oh man, if you crossed Terezi Pyrope you were fucked!**

**GC: Y34H 1F YOU W3R3 4 B4D GUY**

**GC: W3 W3R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3 L1K3 4 V1G1L4NT3 DUO D1SP3NS1NG JUST1C3**

**GC: 4ND YOU COULD T4K3 TH3 B4D GUYS HOM3 4ND F33D TH3M TO YOUR STUP1D SP1D3R**

**GC: BUT 1NST34D YOU JUST F3D H3R 3V3RYBODY!**

**GC: 4ND L13D 4ND L13D 4ND L13D**

**AG: Yeah, those were the days.**

**AG: I mean, days full of mist8kes and r8gret!**

**AG: But it was still a lot of fun. Watching you dismantle huge teams of Flarpers with nothing 8ut politics and head games.**

**AG: Without even using any special powers! Wow.**

**GC: M3H**

**AG: Come oooooooon!**

**AG: What do I have to do here?**

**GC: 1 DUNNO**

**AG: Well if you want to know what I think, you should start changing your tune.**

**AG: Cause even though you got all these highfalutin morals and fancy reserv8tions, you know as well as me that a killer is a killer is a killer!**

**AG: There 8n't no ch8nging your ways for good, and one d8y you're going to flail that silly l8ttle cane of yours and not find n8thin to 8ump into, and fall f8ce first into the shit ag8in.**

**AG: And you're going to do something t8rri8le to some8ody and wish you could t8ke it 8ack 8ut you c8n't!**

**AG: And then you'll work hard to win 8ack their trust, and you'll try and try and tr8, and you'll see how hard it is!**

**AG: You'll seeeeeeee!**

**GC: 1 DOUBT 1T**

**AG: You'll see.**

**AG: I am whispering that and it is echoing and ominous.**

**AG: You'll seeeeeeee...**

**AG: You'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee**

**AG: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...**

**GC: OH W1LL YOU C4N 1T S3RK3T!**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha.**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**GC: XO**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**AG: Whoa, what was that?**

**GC: WH4T W4S WH4T**

**AG: There was a loud noise outside my hive!**

**AG: It sounded like an explosion.**

**GC: WOW R34LLY**

**AG: And then another one!**

**AG: And now something that sounds like an avalanche!**

**GC: W3LL 1F 1 H4D TO GU3SS**

**GC: 1 WOULD S4Y**

**GC: 1T W4S PROB4BLY TWO 3XPLOS1ONS 4ND TH3N 4N 4V4L4NCH3**

**AG: That dum8ass is probably punching ro8ots again.**

**AG: I will go outside and look.**

**GC: OK**

**GC: TRY NOT TO G3T BURN3D OR CRUSH3D TO D34TH OR 4NYTH1NG TH4T WOULD B3 4WFUL**

**AG: You got it! ::::::::)**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

Much, much earlier than that whole thing (this is a flashback), Terezi stood in her respiteblock, typing away at a computer through which she was conversing with Aradia. She wasn't wearing glasses, though, because this was before her accident (i.e. she hadn't been blinded yet). This was also after Tavros's accident (which really hadn't been an accident because Vriska pushed… whatever, that's quite enough of these unnecessary explicative parentheses).

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**GC: HOW 1S H3**

**AA: 0k**

**AA: he cant walk th0ugh**

**AA: pr0bably never will**

**GC: :[**

**GC: M4YB3 H3 COULD B3 F1X3D**

**GC: W1TH ROBO PROSTH3T1CS**

**GC: 1F YOU D1DNT M1ND G3TT1NG H3LP FROM...**

**GC: UH :\**

**AA: n0!**

**AA: neither he 0r i sh0uld have ever had anything t0 d0 with th0se hateful sn0bs**

**AA: it was a big mistake**

**AA: n0 0ffense 0_0**

**GC: TH4TS OK**

**GC: 1M 4 L1TTL3 TOO T34L FOR TH31R T4ST3S 4NYW4Y :]**

**AA: i d0nt see why theyd lift a finger t0 help him**

**AA: they hate us b0th s0 much**

**AA: im s0 mad!**

**GC: 1 HOP3 YOUR3 NOT TH1NK1NG OF DO1NG 4NYTH1NG 1N R3T4L14T1ON**

**GC: 1TLL 3ND B4DLY**

**GC: YOU SHOULD L3T M3 H4NDL3 1T**

**AA: im n0t scared 0f her**

**AA: she cant c0ntr0l me**

**AA: shes tried it d0esnt w0rk**

**GC: 1 KNOW**

**GC: BUT TRUST M3 1F YOU P1SS H3R OFF SH3LL F1ND 4 W4Y TO G3T YOU**

**GC: TH1S 1S R34LLY TR1CKY JUST L3T M3 D34L W1TH 1T**

**AA: but it was my fault**

**AA: i was distracted when i c0uld have helped him**

**GC: 1 W4S TOO**

**GC: W3 W3R3 BOTH D1STR4CT3D BY TH3 S4M3 TH1NG**

**AA: yeah**

**AA: wh0 was he anyway**

**GC: PR3TTY SUR3 1T WAS VR1SKAS FR13ND**

**AA: what was he d0ing there**

**AA: watching us**

**GC: WHO KNOWS**

**GC: H3S NOT R34LLY H3R FR13ND THOUGH**

**GC: YOU SHOULD S33 HOW H3 T4LKS 4BOUT H3R B3H1ND H3R B4CK**

**GC: SH3 H4S NO 1D34 HOW B4D H3S PL4Y1NG H3R**

**GC: BUT TH3N 1 DONT TH1NK H3 KNOWS HOW B4D SH3S PL4Y1NG H1M 31TH3R**

**GC: S33 1TS COMPL1C4T3D**

**GC: YOU R34LLY N33D TO ST4Y OUT OF 1T 4ND L3T M3 D34L W1TH TH1S**

**AA: i guess s0**

**AA: i feel p0werless sitting here d0ing n0thing th0ugh**

**AA: its like she wins even if y0u get her back!**

**GC: DONT TH1NK OF 1T TH4T W4Y**

**GC: 1 KNOW HOW TO STOP H3R**

**GC: TRUST M3**

**AA: i guess 0ur gaming days are 0ver then**

**AA: us f0ur at least**

**GC: Y3P**

**GC: 1M PR3TTY MUCH DON3 W1TH H3R**

Aradia sighed. It was probably best that listened to the advice of a friend. And yet, the voices were as lucid as ever. They urged her to make Vriska pay. She was going to do it, regardless of what Terezi said. She was going to make Vriska pay.

It was a shame it had had to come to this. She didn't like summoning the spirits of the dead to settle scores. But if Vriska had to face her victims again, maybe she'd finally learn to feel remorse.

Vriska stood in her respiteblock, looking at a picture of Marquise Spinneret Mindfang dreamily. One of her eyes had one pupil in it, and the other seven red ones, all bunched together in an almost hexagonal shape.

Suddenly, she was surrounded by a bunch of ghosts. She sank to her knees in agony as the ghostly wails pierced through her ears. And then there was the alert sound that played whenever someone started talking to her via Trollian. She stood shakily and stumbled over to her computer.

**Well?**

**AG: Well what! I am surrounded 8y ghosts and kind of fre8king out a8out it!**

**I know.**

**I'm asking what you intend to do about it.**

**AG: I don't know, I guess I will just curl into a little 8all and cry and hope they go aw8y!**

**AG: Is that what you want to hear you sick f8ck?**

**Aren't you going to kill her?**

**AG: Who?**

**Your friend.**

**The one who summoned the spirits.**

**AG: Will that make them go away?**

**Does it matter?**

**She brought them here to torment you. This obviously warrants revenge.**

**You know you're going to anyway. You won't be able to help yourself.**

**AG: I don't have to do shit!**

**AG: May8e I don't mind ghosts. May8e they'll 8e gr8 company once I get used to them!**

**No, they are terrifying you.**

**There's only one thing to do.**

**AG: Ok, so why don't YOU kill her! 8e my guest! Wow, thanks for offering. Wh8t a pal!**

**That's not how I work.**

**AG: Oh really, well you seemed pretty excited a8out killing Tavros too.**

**AG: And you even helped! So I guess that is how you work after all.**

**Not really.**

**All I did was stand somewhere for a few minutes.**

**I just gave you an opportunity to do something you wanted to do anyway.**

**You hated him, remember?**

**AG: I know I did! I still do, I guess. I dunno.**

**AG: 8ut I was never gonna kill these people. They were like, off limits I guess?**

**AG: These games were just supposed to 8e fun and serve no other purpose!**

**They were serving a very important purpose.**

**AG: Yeah ok, you getting off on talking a girl into killing her 8uddies sure is important!**

**AG: Los8r.**

**Again, I didn't talk you into anything, nor am I doing so now.**

**You were, and are, going to do this regardless.**

**I only ever place myself into positions of tangential involvement with events that will bring about my employer's entry into this universe.**

**I oversee the events as they take place, and ever so slightly nudge them into motion when necessary.**

**AG: I'm 8eginning to think you really 8elieve that! So delusion8l. You're just a path8tic, lonely gamer who 8uys into his own character profile 8S.**

**The omniscient have no need for beliefs and no room for delusion.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: You're the dum8est omniscient person I ever met.**

**AG: Sure you know a lot, 8ut I know for a FACT there's stuff you don't know.**

**That's true.**

**But the gaps in my knowledge exist by design.**

**They are the pillars of shadow on which my comprehensive vision is built.**

**Necessary pockets of void meant to effectuate outcomes I've foreseen and which will require my influence.**

**Each dark pocket, in time, will be filled.**

**But I wonder why I waste this nuance on you.**

**AG: 8ecause you need to add more 8l8tant lies to patch up all the holes in your sad cover story.**

**I don't lie.**

**Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives.**

**I play with my cards face up.**

**Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?**

**AG: ::::P**

**AG: Yeah, 8ut I'm getting closer to 8eating you. You'll see.**

**Look at that. The short amount of time I have reserved for arguing with a child has expired.**

**I will go.**

**But maybe you're right. Maybe you are a person with free will and you won't kill your friend.**

**What do I know?**

**Enjoy your haunting.**

Of course he was right. Not much point in living with all these moaning spooks just to spite some guy she didn't give a shit about. But how to go about killing her? Vriska couldn't control her. It could be difficult to manipulate the minds of the psychically gifted.

Let's see. Who else was there. Terezi? Forget about it. What about that guy? Nah. Her? Nope. Not him either. How about this guy? Unfortunately, she could only control him about half the time. Then again, that should've been all the time she needed.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaa.**

**AA: what**

**AG: Nice trick! With the ghosts and all. Man, you got me pretty good.**

**AA: id rather n0t talk t0 y0u**

**AG: Fair enough!**

**AG: Just wanted to say I'm sorry, that's all.**

**AA: im n0t the 0ne y0u sh0uld ap0l0gize t0**

**AG: Yeah I know. I'll make it up to him some day. Don't worry!**

**AG: Anyway, hey guess what?**

**AG: I've got a message for you from your 8oyfriend.**

**AG: He's outside your hive right now!**

**AA: n0t falling f0r it**

**AG: Take a look.**

**AA: i d0nt see anything 0ut there**

**AG: Well ok, I'm just the messenger. If you want to risk missing him then suit yourself.**

**AG: L8er!**

"It must be a trick!" Aradia said. He surely would have told her if he was making the trip all the way out here from his hive stem. She stepped outside and looked up at the sky. There he was, sure as day. "Sollux!" Aradia called. She smiled but it quickly degenerated into a look of horror. Blue and red streams of faint light emanated from his eyes, and he held a jar of mind honey in his hand.

**AG: Arrivederci, Megido.**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**


	59. Book 4 Chapter : White Text Guy

Sorry I can't actually make Doc Scratch's writing white. You're going to have to deal with it, though, unless you PM me to see the story in its full glory.

Sorry again. :( -Morn

* * *

Chapter : The White Text Guy

(The chapter number has been written in white ink and there is no Vriska around to highlight it, so…)

Somewhere on Alternia's green moon stood a man known as the white text guy. The narrative attempted to shift to him and failed, because no one except the white text guy could shift the narrative to the white text guy. Just for the sake of me not having to say "the white text guy" over and over again, he decided to introduce himself. His name was **D****o****c Scratch**. As you can see, he was courteous enough to highlight the white "o" in his name.

Doc Scratch (we'll not bother with color from now on) wore a white lab coat over a green shirt the same color as the text in the above paragraph. He also had a bowtie on because bowties were cool. He held his hands behind his back in an authoritative and yet humble gesture. His head was a giant white ball. He stood in what appeared to be a green-colored sitting room. A gun sat in its sling on a green chair, near which was a globe that was a model of Skaia. There was a typewriter on his desk and a Skaian cube next to him, which was generally what the planet became after the third player entered the medium (at least, in a four-player session, which the trolls' one was not).

Doc Scratch was an officer of an indestructible demon known as Lord English. It would have been cool if I had written his name with a gif of all of the cueballs changing into each other, but Doc Scratch was not in the mood for "cool" (except for with bowties). His only task here in this universe was to pave the way for the arrival of his master, who would be summoned upon the termination of the universe. Doc Scratch had worked at this task for many centuries, and would continue to do so until The Great Undoing.

Scratch was Alternia's first guardian. Every planet destined for intelligence life had such an entity meant to protect it and facilitate the planet's ultimate purpose. A first guardian was typically as old as the planet itself, and each had a unique, circuitous origin through the knots of paradox space. They could be born into a great diversity of forms, though they all shared a common, especially potent genetic sequence. The code granted them near omnipotence, and when merged with a host of great intelligence, near omniscience as well.

Doc Scratch shifted out of existence momentarily, but returned just as quickly, green electrical energy flowing around him.

"Oh, that rings a bell, does it?" Doc Scratch asked curiously. "Yes, it should. Maybe if you are smart, you'll figure it out immediately, but if not you will have to read and wait."

He stepped over to the Skaian Battlefield cube and looked at it. Um… okay. This is Hussie speaking here. I can't actually tell what he was doing. He was a first guardian, after all. And guardians were really very mysterious. Both the omnipotent kind and the ordinary kind who raised kids in houses. It was universal law of reality.

Scratch turned to face the fourth wall. "Ah, Mr. Hussie, you have just provided a clue to the conundrum I posed earlier to the reader and not to you. How very unfortunate." (Dammit, Doc Scratch! Stop breaking the fourth wall!, I whispered between two parentheses).

Whether or not he'd heard me, he returned to pondering the Battlefield. It looked like he was wondering about his next move in a chess game he was playing with some wicked troll girl down on the planet the moon he was on orbited. Usually these matches were no contest, but she'd been getting closer to beating him lately, and he had no idea how this was possible. Uncertainty, though rare, was quite a troubling sensation for the omniscient.

Oh, and was this? It appeared someone was contacting him on his typewriter. More bothersome uncertainty. How was it that this youngster, a certain Terezi Pyrope, was able to relay an unsolicited message? Doc Scratch didn't even have an account name!

**GC: H3Y WH1T3 T3XT GUY**

**GC: 1 H4V3 4 T1P FOR YOU**

**How were you able to contact me?**

**Never mind, I figured it out instantly.**

**GC: R34LLY?**

**Yes, through my limitless intellect.**

**Occasionally I discover there are things I have not always known.**

**It gives me the opportunity to make deductions, which are practically always flawless.**

**It's gratifying.**

**GC: UH OK**

**GC: TH4TS N34T 1 GU3SS**

**You asked your clever friend with the colorful spectacles to trace the source of my messages.**

**He then established a relay for your messages to reach this source through some sort of computational proxy.**

**I gather he has recovered from his implementation as a weapon in the sabotage of your mutual friend, whom you both believe to be dead.**

**GC: OH MY GOD WH1T3 T3XT GUY!**

**GC: SHUT UP! :O**

**GC: 1M TRY1NG TO G1V3 YOU 4 M3SS4G3 H3R3**

**I have a name.**

**It is not White Text Guy.**

**GC: OH WHAT 1S 1T**

**I'm not going to tell you my name.**

**But if you wish, you may refer to me as Mr. Vanilla Milkshake.**

**GC: YOU 4R3 SO W31RD**

**GC: WHY WOULD 1 DO TH4T**

**It is perfectly in keeping with a habit which you will develop in the future.**

**GC: 1 DOUBT 1T**

**Why?**

**GC: SOUNDS K1ND OF S1LLY 4ND FR1VOLOUS**

**GC: BL4R WHY DO YOU K33P D3R41L1NG M3!**

**GC: YOUR3 R1GHT SOLLUX 1S WORK1NG W1TH M3 4ND W3 H4V3 1MPORT4NT BUS1N3SS FOR YOU TO CONS1D3R**

**GC: W41T**

**GC: YOU S41D W3 B3L13V3 OUR FR13ND 1S D34D**

**GC: 1S SH3 NOT?**

**Yes, I said you believe she is dead.**

**And soon, you will believe she is not.**

**Both statements are true.**

**And yet each exhibits a trace of falsehood.**

**GC: WOW WHY D1D 1 BOTH3R 4SK1NG**

**GC: NO WOND3R SH3 SN4PP3D SH3S GOT TO D34L W1TH YOUR STUP1D R1DDL3S 4LL TH3 T1M3**

**GC: 4NYW4Y C4N YOU JUST H3LP M3 G3T R3V3NG3 SO W3 C4N C4LL 1T 4 N1GHT**

**Why would I involve myself in your paltry feud beyond the extent I already have?**

**I believe the need to exert such influence has come to an end.**

**GC: B3C4US3 YOULL W4NT TO**

**GC: WH3N YOU H34R WH4T 1 H4V3 TO S4Y**

**I doubt it.**

**GC: H4V3NT YOU WOND3R3D HOW SH3 C4N COM3 CLOS3 TO B34T1NG YOU 1N G4M3S L4T3LY**

**GC: HON3STLY 1M SURPR1S3D YOU H4V3NT D3DUC3D 1T Y3T**

**GC: W1TH YOUR SH1NY WH1T3 SUP3RBR41N**

**It's disturbing.**

**But sometimes that is the nature of these hollows in my perception.**

**It feels a bit like dark water, sloshing about the cavity in my head.**

**What do you know of this?**

**GC: SH3S CH34T1NG**

**GC: SH3 4LW4YS CH34TS 1F SH3 C4N F1ND 4 W4Y**

**GC: L4T3LY SH3S US3D TH3 S4M3 4DV4NT4G3 SH3 US3S 4G41NST M3 WH3N W3 PL4Y G4M3S**

**GC: BUT SH3 TOLD M3 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: SH3 T3LLS M3 LOTS OF STUFF L1K3 TH4T PROB4BLY TO RUB 1T 1N MY F4C3**

**GC: BUT SH3D N3V3R R1SK T3LL1NG YOU**

**What advantage is this?**

**GC: HOLD ON**

**GC: 1 H4V3 TO T4LK TO YOUR P4RTN3R 1N CR1M3 FOR 4 S3COND :]**

**I thought you were hers.**

**GC: :P**

Terezi snarled in disgust. Vriska had gone too far this time, and she knew it. She had to pay. Justice was long overdue. The only sad part was how easy it was going to be. It would take no skilled manipulator to orchestrate the spider girl's downfall. She was a waste of Terezi's talents.

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

**GC: H3Y VR1SK4**

**GC: 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y**

**AG: Ummmmmmmmm, no?**

**AG: A8out what?**

**GC: 4BOUT K1LL1NG H3R**

**GC: 4FT3R YOU S41D YOU WOULDNT**

**AG: Oh, that? I thought we were done talking a8out it!**

**AG: We concluded I messed up and I'm completely horri8le in every way.**

**AG: I can only feel SO AWFUL, you know. Here, I'm 8anging my head against the desk now.**

**AG: 8ang 8ang 8ang. Are you happy?**

**GC: NOT R34LLY**

**AG: Uuuuuuuugh, what do you want from me?**

**GC: 1M NOT SUR3**

**GC: 1 GU3SS 1M LOOK1NG FOR SOM3 R34SON TO CH4NG3 MY M1ND**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOU C4N S4Y TH4TLL DO 1T**

**GC: 1 SORT4 HOP3 TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG THOUGH**

**AG: You should lighten up a 8it. May8e even congratul8 me!**

**AG: Wow, great jo8 Vriska! Single handedly taking out Team Charge like that.**

**AG: No more competition from those low class clowns!**

**GC: N4H TH4T W4SNT 1T**

**AG: Ok, well, change your mind a8out what!**

**AG: What are you going to do, Pyrope!**

**GC: 1 W4S PROB4BLY JUST GO1NG TO K1LL YOU**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: You mean from your tree? With all your AMAAAAAAAAZING POWERS?**

**AG: Tell me, what sort of powers do tree girls have? Swinging from vines and stuff?**

**GC: MY TR33 DO3SNT H4V3 V1N3S :[**

**GC: SOM3T1M3S 1 L3T OTH3R P3OPL3 SW1NG FROM ROP3S THOUGH :]**

**GC: Y34H 4NYW4Y YOULL B3 D34D 1N 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S**

**AG: Yeah right!**

**AG: Complete and total muscle8east shit!**

**GC: 1F YOU DONT B3L13V3 M3**

**GC: WHY DONT YOU CONSULT W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 4DV4NT4G3**

**GC: 1T S33MS TO H4V3 4LL TH3 4NSW3RS**

**AG: I don't need to do that to know you're 8luffing.**

**GC: Y34H**

**GC: BUT**

**GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GONN4 4NYW4Y**

**GC: 4DD1CT1ON 1S 4 POW3RFUL TH1NG :]**

**GC: S33 Y4**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **ceased trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

Terezi couldn't have been serious. What could _possibly_ lead to her demise in a matter of minutes? What could it possibly be? Vriska decided to consult her little advantage, a magic cue ball, which was an extremely rare treasure she'd recently plundered from an ancient crypt, and one of many rumored to be hidden across the globe. Each at one time had belonged to the strange and powerful man fabled to live on the green moon, but had since managed to escape his vision. It was said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity. Unfortunately it lacked a portal on its surface to allow her to view the prediction. So who could say for sure whether its predictions were accurate? It would require someone with x-ray vision. Or, just maybe…

Someone with vision eightfold. Vriska Serket. She channeled her powerful eyesight through her customized lenses and whispered to the faithful little oracle: "Should I be worried about Terezi's threat?

A blue triangle appeared within the cue ball and one single word was written on it: "YES".

**GC: H3Y MR V4N1LL4 M4LKSH4K3**

**Yes?**

**GC: SH3 H4S ON3 OF YOUR CU3 B4LLS**

SHE HAS WHAT?

**GC: :o**

Doc Scratch began to flip the fuck out, which was rather uncharacteristic of him, seeing as how he was supposed to be omniscient and wise.

Vriska shook with fear and rage. "Okay little ball," she said angrily. "Fine. If you're so smart, then answer this! How is it going to happen! HOW?"

"I WILL EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE," the ball read. Suddenly, the white orb began to crackle with green and white energy and then exploded with a great big "8OOM". Vriska's glasses and the seven eyes bunched together on her right side fell off and the girl fell backwards, unconscious or perhaps dead (although, as we shall see later on [or already have seen {in the progression of the story, not time}], she is alive and well [and that was too many layers of parentheses]).

In the aftermath of more recent misfortune, a boy retrieved his dead horse custodian from the rubble below. A girl in the same neighborhood found hers struggling to survive.

Vriska guessed she had to put Spidermom down. The question was, did she have the luck to get it done? Would a sufficient roll even qualify as good luck in this case? She didn't know. Maybe the dead girl was on to something. Maybe the only way to beat her bad luck was not caring about the outcome. A slight breeze blew her long and billowy hair (which was black just like every troll's hair) backwards. She dropped the dice.

Seven of the fluorite octet landed, yielding a 6, 5, 2, 7, 1, 3 and 4. That narrowed the field down from the full 8^8 to just 8. One tumbled through the air. It would decide among the eight remaining techniques.

It landed on an eight, choosing the technique "Guillotine de la Marquise." A blue guillotine appeared out of thin air and chopped the lusus's head off. Copious amounts of blue spider blood slorshed over her.

"Au revoir, Spidermom," she said in slight disgust. Suddenly, the precarious pillar upon which Equius's hive rested began to topple downwards towards hers. Their hives were going to converge soon! It seemed like her mercy killing had triggered another avalanche. More rotten luck! Just what she'd needed.

By a strange stroke of luck, though, the bottom of the collapsed portion of the pillar slid down and the entire thing came apart, falling downwards instead of towards Vriska's hive. Before Equius's hive could crash against the side of the mainland, however, it vanished into The Medium. Vriska breathed a sigh of relief. That had gone better than she thought it would have. And then a thought struck her. The gift that Equius had made her for Aradia! It had gone into The Medium too! She hobbled back up the stairs and banged on her keyboard furiously.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AG: What's your deal?**

**AA: what d0 y0u mean**

**AG: Did you just zap Equius into the game? His hive disappeared!**

**AA: are y0u n0t happy ab0ut that**

**AG: Hell no! I was supposed to get your surprise present from him! Um, that he was keeping for me! 8ut only temporarily!**

**AG: And then we were going to jump in the g8me tog8ther! As co-le8ders! Remem8er?**

**AA: y0u were ab0ut t0 be killed by his hive**

**AA: pr0ceeding with that plan w0uldnt have made sense**

**AA: we certainly d0nt need tw0 dead players**

**AG: 8ut!**

**AG: Aaaaaaaah!**

**AG: You knew this was going to happen! You were planning it all along! You're planning all this. I know a schemer when I see one!**

**AA: yes it was the plan**

**AA: it had t0 g0 this way**

**AG: No! It had to go the way we said it would. I was going to give you the present I convinced him to m8ke for you. Me! It wo8ldn't have got m8de if not f8r me!**

**AG: And then you could have a 8ody again and everyth8ng would 8e fine. Then we could go 8ack to 8eing friends again.**

**AA: were we ever really friends**

**AG: Yeah!**

**AG: I don't know. I felt like we were even if you didn't think so.**

**AG: I guess I'm not very good at acting like a friend. Or saying stuff like, hey friend! You're my friend! It doesn't really occur to me.**

**AG: 8ut we were! Why would you play with me if you didn't think I was your friend?**

**AA: i d0nt remember**

**AA: it d0esnt matter**

**AG: 8arf. More of this apathetic 8aloney. Why don't you cut the ghost girl act already? I get it! You're dead and spooky.**

**AA: ribbit**

**AG: Hm.**

**AG: Uh, okay?**

**AG: Haha. Pretty odd!**

**AA: s0rry**

**AG: That's cool, you can ri88it if you want. In a weird way it almost makes you sound normal!**

**AG: So what now? I guess you and Equius co-lead since he managed to usurp me. That cunning 8astard.**

**AG: I guess I follow you into the game instead? Fine 8y me! I'll follow you guys. Just give me my orders, 8oss.**

**AA: n0**

**AA: y0ure n0t 0n the blue team**

**AG: Oh what the fuuuuuuuuck!**

**AA: y0u were never g0ing t0 be**

**AG: I get it. I finally see now. This is your revenge.**

**AG: You finally did it, Megido. You got me pretty good. Well played.**

**AA: its n0t revenge**

**AA: y0u were always supp0sed t0 be 0n the red team**

**AA: y0ull believe me later**

**AA: when y0u wake up**

**AG: What a load of SHIIIIIIIIT. You've 8een plotting your revenge since day one. And I fell for it like a sucker. Can't say I 8lame you.**

**AA: ive never th0ught ab0ut revenge at all**

**AG: 8ut why not!**

**AG: I killed you!**

**AA: i d0nt care**

**AG: AAAAAAAAH!**

**AG: You're so infuri8ing! Why c8n't you just h8 me? It would 8e a lot easier th8t way.**

**AG: Or at least feel 8othered or annoyed or S8METHING! God!**

**AG: May8e I sh8uld just rip my he8rt out of my chest and pound it to a 8loody pulp here on my desk with my sup8r strong ro8ot arm.**

**AG: Pound pound pound pound pound pound pound pound!**

**AG: Look at that, more nasty 8lue 8lood all over me. Why not! Might as well op8n the floodg8s and p8nt my whole hive with this oh so envia8le cerulean SWILL.**

**AG: 8ecause clearly it's up to me to feel em8tions for the 8oth of us, you misera8le soulless witch!**

**AA: 0_0**

**AG: I h88888888 you!**

**AG: H8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 haaaaaaaate!**

**AG: I only regret killing you cause it m8de you so 8ORING!**

**AA: s0rry**

**AG: I don't want to 8e on the red team. ::::(**

**AG: It's full of jerks who just think I'm a 8ig jerk.**

**AA: they need y0u th0ugh**

**AA: and its where y0u need t0 be**

**AA: karkat will be in t0uch with y0u s00n**

**AG: Oh god, I can't w8 for THAT convers8tion.**

**AA: als0 if its any c0ns0lati0n**

**AA: the teams are meaningless anyway**

**AG: What? Why would that 8e consol8tion? It's more vague spooky nonsense!**

**AG: Fuck you for me trying to help you.**

**AG: Fuck the 8lue team, fuck your conniving, fuck Equius's dou8ledealing and the stupid muscle8east he rode in on, and fuck you for s8ving my life.**

**AG: FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**


	60. Book 4 Chapter 13: Aradia and Equius

Chapter 13: Aradia and Equius

Not much later after this conversation with Vriska and Aradia, in a place known as the Land of Caves and Silence, Equius sat at his computer in his hive, which was tilted, somewhat like some sort of leaning tower of Equius. The robot-building troll explained his doublecrossing to Aradia, who didn't seem to care at all and then Aradia explained the procedure and then Equius proceeded to flip the fuck… I mean… fiddlesticks out about first, having a lowly red blood control what he did in The Medium and second, not having a fresh towel. Wait, I pretty much explained the whole pesterlog, didn't I? Whatever. Here it is anyway:

**centaursTesticle [CT]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**CT: D - Aradia, here's the deal**

**CT: D - Now that the game has begun, the plan will be modified slightly**

**CT: D - We will not be co-leaders of the b100 team**

**CT: D - I alone will be the leader**

**CT: D - Is that understood**

**AA: thats fine**

**CT: D - Good**

**CT: D - Wait**

**CT: D - You have no objection**

**CT: D - Are you sure**

**AA: n0**

**AA: im 0k with it**

**CT: D - Do you typically embrace such a passive attitude when your superiors give you orders**

**AA: i d0nt usually receive 0rders fr0m superi0rs 0r 0therwise**

**AA: but really its fine**

**CT: D - Hmm**

**AA: what**

**CT: D - I think I should get a towel**

**CT: D - I'm perspiring heavily again**

**AA: why**

**AA: whats wr0ng**

**CT: D - Never mind**

**CT: D - I'm trying to stay professional about this**

**AA: ab0ut what**

**AA: what are y0u talking ab0ut**

**CT: D - Forget it**

**CT: D - It's just pleasant to consort with one of lesser breeding who clearly understands her place**

**AA: ive underst00d f0r s0me time that this will be my r0le**

**AA: t0 functi0n as y0ur server player**

**AA: and that y0u w0uld be the team leader as the first in the chain**

**CT: D - Perfect**

**CT: D - Then we are on the same page**

**CT: D - I 100k forward to seeing how well you serve me, server player**

**AA: uh**

**AA: thats n0t quite the meaning 0f the w0rd server**

**CT: D - What do you mean**

**AA: as y0ur server i manipulate y0ur envir0nment t0 help y0u advance**

**CT: D - I don't understand**

**CT: D - Are you**

**CT: D - Are you saying**

**CT: D - That**

**CT: D - You are in a position of control over me**

**AA: i supp0se s0**

**CT: D - Oh**

**AA: what**

**CT: D - Oh my God**

**AA: 0_0**

**CT: D - This is**

**CT: D - Impropriety of a caliber I cannot even**

**CT: D - It's**

**CT: D - You are as low on the hemosprectrum as possible**

**CT: D - To consider that someone so low could be in a position of authority over me is**

**CT: D - It's just so**

**CT: D - Disgusting**

**AA: y0u really are quite a sn0b**

**CT: D - No it's**

**CT: D - FILTHY**

**AA: 0_0**

**CT: D - I need some air**

**CT: D - Or some cold milk**

**CT: D - Or a towel, I need a towel**

**CT: D - Where the fuck are all my fresh towels**

**CT: D - I mean**

**CT: D - Fiddlesticks, please pardon my language**

**CT: D - It won't happen again**

**AA: y0u l00k really agitated**

**AA: are y0u sure y0ure alright**

Equius started to perspire and he shook where he was in his chair.

**CT: D - I'm fine**

**CT: D - I'll be fine**

**CT: D - I just need to breathe**

**CT: D - And to break something possibly **

**AA: break s0mething**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - It helps me rela%**

**AA: 0h**

**AA: i think i understand**

**CT: D - Do you**

**AA: i like breaking things**

**AA: i didnt used t0 but n0w i d0**

**AA: its fun**

**AA: um**

**AA: hell0**

**AA: are y0u sure y0ure 0k**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AA: y0u really d0 l00k like y0ure sweating pretty hard**

**CT: D - I just need a blasted towel**

**CT: D - Where ever did that Aurthour get off to**

**AA: maybe y0u sh0uld break s0mething**

**AA: t0 try t0 calm d0wn**

**CT: D - Perhaps**

**AA: d0 y0u want me t0 break s0mething**

**CT: D - Whoa what**

**AA: i c0uld break s0mething if y0u want**

**CT: D - Do you**

**CT: D - Want to break something**

**AA: kind 0f**

**CT: D - I, uh**

**CT: D - Ok**

**AA: equius im ab0ut t0 thr0w an abluti0n trap thr0ugh y0ur wall**

**AA: heads up**

A large bathtub smashed through one of his walls, crossed the room, and then smashed another one. Aurthoursprite stared blankly at the damage to Equius's respiteblock.

**CT: D - Yes **

**CT: D - Yes that was wonderful **

**AA: it was pretty c00l**

**CT: D - But could you please refrain from dipping into the vernacular of commoners **

**CT: D - In fact, this is an order from your leader **

**CT: D - Call things by their proper names **

**AA: what**

**AA: y0u want me t0 call it a bath tub**

**AA: that s0unds ridicul0us**

**CT: D - Nevertheless, do it **

**AA: fine**

**CT: D - Now **

**CT: D - Could you please **

**CT: D - Uh **

**CT: D - Do that again **

**AA: what**

**AA: y0u want me t0 thr0w the trap thr0ugh y0ur wall again**

**AA: i mean the tub**

**CT: D - Yes **

**AA: is that an 0rder**

**CT: D - Yes **

**CT: D - Wait **

**CT: D - I don't know **

**AA: what d0nt y0u kn0w**

**CT: D - Maybe I don't want to order you to **

**CT: D - Maybe I want **

**CT: D - You to do whatever things that you want to do **

**AA: i really have n0 idea what y0ure talking ab0ut**

**CT: D - You could cause quite a bother for me, with the power you wield **

**CT: D - I can do nothing to stop you, peasant girl **

**CT: D - It's so magnificently depraved **

**AA: y0u are s0 weird**

**AA: and this is c0ming fr0m a gh0st**

**AA: ribbit**

**CT: D - What was that **

**CT: D - Are you role playing now **

**CT: D - Stop, it's unbecoming **

**AA: s0rry**

**CT: D - You're better than that **

**CT: D - And by better, I mean worse **

**CT: D - Much, much worse **

**CT: D - Downright coarse and degenerate **

**CT: D - Just reprehensibly sordid **

**AA: 0_0**

**CT: D - Actually **

**CT: D - Yes **

**CT: D - You may role play and proceed to deepen this already irretrievable debauchery **

**CT: D - In fact I command it **

**CT: D - I command you to have free will and do as you please **

**CT: D - And continue being bothersome and unpredictably destructive **

**CT: D - I mean **

**CT: D - If you want **

**AA: im n0t really r0le playing**

**AA: im part fr0g**

**AA: but 0k**

**AA: i guess i can break s0me m0re stuff**

**AA: ribbit**

**CT: D - Yes **

**CT: D - Ribbit again **

**AA: i cant really c0ntr0l the ribbits**

Equius was so caught up in his conversation that he didn't notice a mysterious arm stick out of a blue portal in the floor. Aurthoursprite noticed it, but didn't say anything. And he didn't need to, because it vanished in just a few seconds.

**CT: D - I will make haste through this mysterious realm and find your gate**

**CT: D - It will pose no challenge for me at all**

**AA: yeah i kn0w**

**CT: D - I will then give you your new body, and you may take your rightful place as my subordinate**

**AA: sure**

**CT: D - Actually**

**CT: D - Now I'm beginning to wonder**

**AA: what**

**CT: D - Whether I want you to be my subordinate**

**CT: D - Hmm**

**CT: D - I hope this doesn't sound too strange**

**AA: everything y0u say s0unds strange**

**CT: D - Maybe I would like you to be the co-leader again**

**AA: 0k**

**CT: D - In fact**

**CT: D - Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm entertaining this thought**

**CT: D - It feels just vile**

**CT: D - Try not to roll your eyes at me**

**AA: i d0nt have pupils**

**CT: D - Would you mind terribly**

**CT: D - Being the leader**

**AA: fine**

**CT: D - But**

**CT: D - Don't tell anyone**

**CT: D - You will be the leader of me, and I will lead all else**

**CT: D - You would in effect be the secret leader**

**AA: yeah sure**

**AA: thats pretty much h0w it is anyway**

**CT: D - Yes, that's the spirit**

**CT: D - You take to authority well for one of your b100d**

**AA: i d0nt have bl00d**

**CT: D - Not yet**

**CT: D - But soon your heart will beat anew, and through it, fresh b100d and fresh passion**

**AA: 0_0**

**AA: w0w uh**

**AA: can y0u just bring me the r0b0t already**

**CT: D - On my way**

**centaursTesticle [CT]** **ceased trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AA: ribbit**

Equius leaped out of his respiteblock and through the first gate in a single strong jump and, landing on the ground of his planet, LOCAS, killed a giant green imp creature in one blow. In fact, he killed it so fast, it didn't have a chance to display what kind of underling it was. He sprinted through a cave and into his second gate. This really posed no challenge to him at all. He entered and dove elegantly to the roof of Aradia's hive where she awaited him in her froggy sprite form. He presented the Aradiabot to Aradiasprite.

**ARADIASPRITE: it l00ks nice**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**EQUIUS: D - It is perfect in every way**

**ARADIASPRITE: ribbit**

**EQUIUS: D - Do you**

**EQUIUS: D - Have a clean towel anywhere**

Aradia entered the soulbot as Equius watched, eager to see her reaction to her new blue blood.

**EQUIUS: D - I think it suits you**

**EQUIUS: D - Much more so than the form of a levitating ghostly amphibian**

**EQUIUS: D - How does it feel**

**ARADIABOT: it feels**

**ARADIABOT: different!**

**EQUIUS: D - Ok**

**EQUIUS: D - But I mean**

**EQUIUS: D - Do you feel anything else**

**ARADIABOT: uh**

**EQUIUS: D - Any sort of**

**EQUIUS: D - Stirring sensations**

**ARADIABOT: stirring?**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**EQUIUS: D - Such as**

**EQUIUS: D - Sensations which may be stirred by flowing b100d and a beating heart**

**ARADIABOT: im n0t sure**

**EQUIUS: D - Can you detect anything within you might describe as**

**EQUIUS: D - Smoldering passion**

**EQUIUS: D - I mean**

**EQUIUS: D - Just out of curiosity**

**ARADIABOT: wait**

**ARADIABOT: what is that**

**EQUIUS: D - What's what**

**ARADIABOT: this feeling**

**ARADIABOT: 0h g0d**

**ARADIABOT: 0H MY G0D WHAT DID Y0U D0!**

**ARADIABOT: did y0u pr0gram this r0b0t t0 have feelings f0r y0u? **

**ARADIABOT: R0MANTIC FEELINGS? **

**EQUIUS: D - Hrrrk**

**ARADIABOT: ANSWER ME BLUE BL00D SCUM **

**EQUIUS: D - I**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**EQUIUS: D - Uh**

**EQUIUS: D - It's a chip in your heart**

**EQUIUS: D - Is that not ok**

**ARADIABOT: get it 0ut **

**EQUIUS: D - Urrk**

**EQUIUS: D - I guess I can**

**EQUIUS: D - Uninstall it if you would just**

**ARADIABOT: GET IT 0UT! **

**EQUIUS: D - Sorry**

**EQUIUS: D - I'll**

**EQUIUS: D - Hrrrrrrk**

**ARADIABOT: GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT**

Aradia plunged her super strong robotic arm deep into her robot chest as Equius watched in horror. She ripped her blue-blooded heart out and pounded it against the Alchemiter. Equius began to sweat bullets.

Aradiabot stepped over to Equius, grabbed ahold of his tank top, and smacked him repeatedly back and forth. Her eyes glowed in anger as she shook the robot-building troll in rage. And then, before Equius knew what was happening, they were kissing.

Nepeta watched in confusion on her drawing tablet. Were they in love? Really? Well, it wasn't the chip, she thought. After all, Aradia had pounded it to bits. Maybe there was really something going on there!

The cat troll consulted her shipping wall. Clearly some changes were in order. She had to admit, she hadn't seen that one coming, even with her remarkable matchmaking acumen. She should probably recolor all the Aradia panels so she looked like a robot too. It was a major commitment keeping up with all her ships, but it was worth it.

She circled the pairing of Aradia and Equius. Some of the comments she'd written on other ships were "oh yessssss!" for herself and Karkat, as well as "oh nooooo" for Vriska and Karkat, and "probably not" for Terezi and Gamzee. Another pairing she'd circled was herself and Equius. Except that was a different kind of romance. Comments she'd written for _that_ type of romance included "hmmm!" for Gamzee and Karkat, and " ?" for Sollux and Aradia. She crossed the latter speculation out. It was definitely a -relationship, not a -relationship. For now.

See, troll romance was a lot more complicated than human romance, and these two kinds of relationships were only the beginning of a whole series of complicated confusingness. But we'll get into that later, if at _all_. It's all really quite confusing stuff and will take a very long time to explain.

Anyway, moving on…


	61. Book 4 Chapter 14: A Truce with Jack Noi

Chapter 14: A Truce with Jack Noir

Karkat began bothering Vriska about joining the team, just as Aradia had said he would.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

**CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND PREPOSTEROUS GIVEN OUR LAST CONVERSATION.**

**CG: AND I GUESS PRACTICALLY EVERY CONVERSATION PRECEDING IT.**

**CG: AND I'M PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DISGUSTING LIKE APOLOGIZE.**

**CG: AND EVEN THOUGH I'LL HATE MYSELF FOR IT I WILL TOTALLY MEAN IT, I PROMISE.**

**CG: LIKE, REALLY REALLY MEAN IT.**

**AG: You're going to ask me to join your team, aren't you.**

**CG: YEAH.**

**CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW.**

**AG: I don't seem to have much choice now! Aradia kicked me off the good team.**

**CG: HAHAHAHA WOW THAT IS GREAT.**

**CG: WAIT, SORRY.**

**CG: NO WAIT, I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE NOW.**

**CG: I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR OFFERING YOU A SHITTY MEANINGLESS APOLOGY.**

**CG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED, KARKAT. LET'S BURY THE THRESHER WITH A TOTALLY PLATONIC BRO BULGE BUMP.**

**CG: BUMP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**AG: You dork.**

**AG: Do you really think your usual pedantic quips are going to 8ug me now?**

**CG: I'M NOT TRYING TO BUG YOU I'M TRYING TO GET YOU TO JOIN MY DAMN TEAM, NOW STEP IN LINE SERKET.**

**AG: I was just 8etrayed and a8andonded 8y my two accomplices and 8est pals, and on top of that I am soaked in the 8lood of my lusus which I just had to decapit8 myself.**

**AG: So listening to a cra88y asshole 8e all tickled with his own mediocre retorts isn't going to spoil my evening!**

**CG: OK, WELL, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.**

**CG: BUT I MEAN YOU CAN JUST DUMP HER CARCASS IN THE KERNEL AND BRING HER BACK STRONGER THAN EVER.**

**AG: Wow.**

**AG: Uh, good to know.**

**AG: I guess. ::::\**

**CG: NOW WHY DON'T YOU HOP IN THE TRAP, WASH THAT NASTY BLUE SHIT OFF, AND JOIN OUR FUCKING SESSION ALREADY.**

**AG: What! It's so rude to dict8 hygiene procedure to a lady. Under any circumstance! Even for douchey loudmouths with delusions of leadership.**

**AG: May8e you should try to think a8out the dum8 things that fall out of your protein chute for once, Vantas.**

**CG: BLAH BLAH BLAH.**

**CG: NOW MY CHUTE IS DOING A FUCKING STELLAR IMPRESSION OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.**

**AG: Anyway, you know my 8lood's the prettiest and you'd o8viously kill to have it.**

**CG: NO IT SUCKS.**

**CG: TOTALLY HAPPY WITH MINE, NICE TRY THOUGH.**

**AG: 8S!**

**AG: Why would you hide 8ehind your lame gray anonymity then?**

**AG: You do realize everyone thinks that's totally lame, right?**

**CG: IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.**

**CG: I DON'T SEE WHY IT SHOULD BE A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD.**

**CG: I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT SHIT ON MY SLEEVE LIKE YOU DO.**

**CG: LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY.**

**CG: IT'S PRIVATE, SO EVERYONE CAN GO POINT THEIR PROBING BUSYBODY SNIFFNODES UP THEIR OWN IMPERTINENT SEED FLAPS.**

**AG: Fine. Like anyone really cares! It's just lame and insecure.**

**AG: So why don't you tell me what I've got to do here? I await instruction from my 8igshot a8looded leader.**

**CG: OK FIRST THING'S FIRST.**

**CG: YOU'VE GOT TO CONNECT WITH TAVROS QUICKLY AND GET HIM IN THE SESSION BEFORE HE GETS KILLED.**

**AG: Uggggggggh.**

**CG: WHAT.**

**AG: Can't someone else do that?**

**CG: NO. WHY.**

**AG: XXXXO**

**CG: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, JUST DO IT.**

**AG: 8ut I h8 that guy!**

**CG: WHO CARES.**

**AG: This is your command decision? Getting someone who h8s a guy to save his life? Pretty weak, 8oss!**

**CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HATE HIM, IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS.**

**CG: IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD PITY HIM.**

**CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED HIM.**

**AG: I know. I don't really understand it.**

**AG: It's just a really special kind of h8! It never goes away and it doesn't make a lot of sense.**

**CG: THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME TO BE CONFIDING IN ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OF BLACK ROMANCE BUT OK.**

**AG: Oh god, what?**

**CG: I MEAN IF YOU'RE REALLY IMPLYING TAVROS IS YOUR KISMESIS I THINK YOU'RE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB.**

**CG: BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER EQUALLY, I MEAN LIKE TRUE HATE.**

**CG: MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS COME SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO FITTING THE BILL BUT I DON'T THINK HE CAN HATE ANYONE, IT'S WEIRD, HE'S KIND OF BROKEN IN THE HEAD.**

**AG: Fuuuuuuuuck, WHAT are you talking a8out?**

**CG: I THINK THIS SUBJECT IS BEYOND A LOT OF PEOPLE'S GRASP BUT I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT, NOBODY EVER REALLY WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT THOUGH.**

**AG: Whoa really? Oh no shit, REALLY?**

**CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY.**

**CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE.**

**CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE.**

**AG: Karkat, holy fuck.**

**AG: So.**

**AG: 8oring.**

**CG: A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS.**

**CG: HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER, SEE I THINK THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.**

**AG: Oh?**

**AG: I hope you know I already wore out some good note-taking pens today. All the pens.**

**AG: All of them.**

**CG: SEE, MY HATE IS LIKE A FINELY TUNED INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M AWARE OF THESE PRINCIPLES.**

**CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha, you don't even know how much I'm laughing at this.**

**CG: BUT SEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY ON THE HATE SIDE, OR AT LEAST YOU PRETEND TO BE WHICH IS MAYBE WORSE.**

**AG: You aren't reading anything I say are you? You just want to talk and talk and talk.**

**CG: AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HATING UP EVERYONE HARD WHEN YOU'RE REALLY JUST BURNING OUT THAT ENTIRE EMOTIONAL HEMISPHERE.**

**CG: IT'S LIKE LUKEWARM HATE. PRETENDER'S HATE, WITH NO COUNTERPOINT AT ALL.**

**CG: AS SUCH THERE'S NO REAL SUBSTANCE TO YOUR HATE, IT'S LIKE A CARDBOARD MOVIE PROP.**

**CG: WHICH IS WHY YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, KIND OF LIKE TAVROS'S BUT ON THE OPPOSITE HEMISPHERE I GUESS.**

**CG: OR MAYBE YOUR BROKEN BRAIN LED TO THE IMBALANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE, I DON'T KNOW.**

**CG: WHATEVER THE CASE IS, YOU'RE KIND OF EMOTIONALLY SCREWED, SORRY TO SAY.**

**CG: YOUR HATE'S TOO DULL FOR A PROPER KISMESIS, IN MY OPINION.**

**CG: AND I DON'T SEE ANYONE CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL HONESTLY, UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY BOTHER PITYING YOU.**

**CG: AND LANDING A MATESPRIT? HAHAHAHA!**

**CG: SERIOUSLY, LIKE THAT WOULD EVEN INTEREST YOU.**

**CG: BASICALLY ANY FEATURE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE THAT USUALLY MAKES SOMEONE VIABLE IN THE REDROM DEPARTMENT MUST BE TOTALLY FRIED.**

**CG: YOUR BLACKROM POTENTIAL'S PROBABLY TOAST TOO.**

**CG: HEY.**

**CG: ARE YOU THERE.**

**AG: Oh, yeah.**

**AG: I started tuning you out.**

**AG: Are you done?**

**CG: NO WAY, I COULD GO ON.**

**CG: THIS IS FASCINATING, TELL ME HOW THE FUCK THIS ISN'T FASCINATING.**

**AG: Did you learn this crap from your awful romance movies?**

**CG: THEY'RE REALLY INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY.**

**CG: INCREDIBLY COMPLEX, SOPHISTICATED STORIES, YOU WOULDN'T GET IT.**

**AG: Hey asshole, stop watching movies for girls.**

**CG: WHAT PART OF INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND.**

**CG: ALSO THEY'RE AWESOME, SHUT UP.**

**AG: Argh, ok! Man! Just let me connect to stupid 8oy-Dum8fuck so I don't have to listen to this anymore!**

**CG: YEAH OK.**

**CG: OH, WAIT!**

**CG: I NEVER EVEN GOT TO THE DAMN POINT.**

**AG: What is it now!**

**CG: I DIDN'T NEED YOU SPECIFICALLY TO CONNECT TO TAVROS, I MEAN I COULD GET ANY SCHLUB TO DO THAT.**

**CG: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET IN HERE ASAP BECAUSE I REALLY NEED YOUR MIND POWERS.**

**AG: You do?**

**AG: I mean.**

**AG: O8viously you do. Duh.**

**AG: What for?**

**CG: I RAN INTO SOMEONE HERE.**

**CG: A SORT OF DOUBLE AGENT I GUESS.**

**CG: HIS NAME IS JACK.**

**CG: HE HAS SOME INSIDE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS KINGDOM.**

**CG: HE WANTS TO WORK TOGETHER WITH US TO OVERTHROW THE BLACK QUEEN.**

**CG: SO I SAID OK.**

**CG: AND NOW I NEED YOUR HELP.**

**AG: Um, ok.**

**AG: I can try.**

**AG: What does he know?**

**CG: HE RECENTLY GOT HOLD OF SOME INTEL REGARDING A WEAKNESS IN THE QUEEN'S DEFENSES.**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE THAN THAT.**

**CG: BUT WE'VE GOT TO HURRY AND GET STARTED ON THIS THING, OR IT COULD GET KIND OF AWKWARD.**

**AG: Awkward? What do you mean?**

**CG: I MEAN HE'S JUST STANDING HERE NOW.**

**CG: WAITING FOR ME I GUESS.**

**CG: BUT IT'S OK, I THINK HE'S PRETTY MUCH SETTLED DOWN.**

**AG: Settled down?**

**CG: WELL, HE STABBED ME ONCE.**

**AG: Oh, only once!**

**AG: Are you sure you should trust him? I don't know if I would, 8ut hey I'm not the leader.**

**CG: NO, NO, IT'S COOL.**

**CG: HE'S COOL, IT'S FINE I DON'T REALLY MIND THE STABBING, IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING.**

**CG: WELL OK I'M PRETTY SURE HE MEANT TO STAB ME.**

**CG: BUT I KIND OF THINK THAT'S LIKE**

**CG: THE WAY HE GREETS PEOPLE?**

**AG: This game is so stupid.**

**CG: IN ANY CASE I THINK HE'S PROBABLY ALL STABBED OUT.**

**AG: Whew!**

**AG: Oh, man.**

**AG: Since you're 8leeding I should ask Terezi what color your 8lood is.**

**CG: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.**

**CG: SHE CAN'T SEE ME OR SMELL ME OR ANYTHING, I'M WAY OUT OF MY HIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE PLANET.**

**AG: Ok, then I'll ask Jack.**

**CG: NO, JACK WON'T TELL, I MADE HIM PROMISE HE WOULDN'T TELL.**

**AG: Dammit! Stupid lousy tightlipped sta8happy dou8le agents. **

**AG: Doesn't Trollian have some kind of viewport feature? **

**CG: YEAH BUT I'M PRETTY SURE ONLY SOLLUX KNOWS HOW TO SET THAT UP, AND HE'S BEEN INCOMMUNICADO FOR HOURS FOR SOME REASON.**

**CG: ANYWAY THAT WHOLE FEATURE SEEMS TOTALLY INVASIVE AND LARGELY POINTLESS TO ME, SO JUST FORGET IT.**

**AG: Yeah ok, here we are a8out to em8ark on an espionage mission. A spying tool sounds totally useless!**

**AG: Another gr8 point, captain.**

**CG: WHATEVER.**

**CG: JUST GET YOUR ASS IN HERE SO WE CAN DETHRONE THIS GODDAMN QUEEN.**

**CG: IT'LL MEAN ONE LESS GOD BOSS WE HAVE TO FIGHT.**

**AG: Fine, I'll be right there.**

**AG: Just try not to lose too much of your mystery blood and die.**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

He looked behind him, where the Archagent Jack Noir stood, awaiting what was to come.

A few minutes before, Jack found the kid he'd been looking for. The kid had a pretty sharp tongue and couldn't seem to keep it sheathed. He had to learn up front that Jack was no stranger to sharp objects himself.

The boy still wouldn't shut up, even after Jack had stabbed him. He didn't seem to care about the wound. He was just going on and on about the freakish color of his blood. He didn't want Jack to look at it. "Just look away," he said. Jack had to admit. He was curious now.

He looked at his knife. Red blood. He didn't see what the big deal was. Nothing special. The kid was out of his mind. But he was still blubbering on and on about it.

Oh, it seemed he was the only one of his kind with this mutant candy-red blood. There were red bloods, sure, but not this color. He was an outcast. He thought he'd been put on this planet covered in an ocean of his own blood to be taunted. Punished for something. Saddest story Jack had ever heard. He had to do something to shut this kid up.

He sliced his own hand with the knife, releasing a swath of red blood along his hand. See? Red blood too. Karkat gasped.

Jack extended his bloodied hand. Karkat extended his, which was bloody from his wound, and they shook. A truce with Jack Noir.

Karkat and his like-blooded accomplice soon put Operation Regisurp into motion, a contingency plan which the Archagent conveniently had on file and had named himself. If it had been drafted by a legitimate contingency firm, it would ostensibly been a better title. The plan was to kill the "huge bitch, bluh bluh" and that was about all that was written on the parking citation Jack had written it on.

Karkat's entire team executed the plan along the course of its journey, employing espionage, mind control tactics, political sabotage, vicious interrogations, and cold-blooded assassinations. Everyone did their part and Karkat began to learn the true meaning of teamwork, as well as this troll disease called friendship.

But before a single step was taken, Jack briefed Karkat on the intelligence uncovered by one of his agents. It was an advantage over the queen they would seize upon when she had her guard down.

With each prototyping by each player, the royalty of both sides would evolve. The queen with her ring of orbs twelvefold would first take on the claws and rigid carapace of Karkat's lusus. And then the wings and scales of Terezi's young dragon. And then the horns and gills and cloven hooves of Gamzee's fallen custodian. And so it would continue.

Though a queen was a vain creature, she was also sworn to her duty. She would be braced for the heavy load of augmentation ahead. She could certainly withstand the eight eyes of an arachnid. The fairy wings might at worst be frivolous, and the great bull horns could even be regarded as striking additions. For that matter, the sultry lips of a mother grub might very plausibly suit her. She perhaps would wear a brave face even behind a dignified moustache, and the centauring of her lower torso could transpire without much complaint. She would dutifully indulge a lactating udder. And when all was said and done, doubling her head count would surely be an insult to elevenfold injury, but nothing she hadn't essentially endured anyway, all in the name of her kingdom.

But she would spare herself all of these additional debasements. Because before the rest came, there would be one corruption to her figure she could not abide. Her vanity would not allow it. She could not stand bearing the visage of the most loathsome creature known to existence. So vile was its appearance, so contemptible its purpose, all depictions of the creature let alone members of its population were permanently banned from any jurisdiction in the reach of her agents.

Those of its kind went by many names, and so did the reviled patron god they heralded - The Great Detestation, King Pondsquatter, Speaker of the Vast Joke, or more commonly, Bilious Slick. His true name was of course forbidden. And wearing his froggy face was where she drew the line.

The Black Queen removed the ring and concealed it in the royal vault while she was quite sure no one was looking. She then retired to her private chamber from which she would dispatch orders, no one the wiser of her disadvantage. Or so she thought. In fact, a certain agent known as the Courtyard Droll had noticed her slip off the ring.

Operation Regisurp would in time be a total success. The Banished Quasiroyal would make the future colorful Alternian wasteland her home. Until she was given a new purpose by the first guardian. Green energy crackled around Doc Scratch as he appeared before BQ on the red sand.

But at the onset, Karkat would know nothing of the queen's aversion to an amphibious likeness, or about her orbs twelvefold, or any such details. He'd been informed of her disadvantage, and would act accordingly. He and his red teammates would work to dethrone the king in their session, while the blue team members would take on the entirely separate set of royal adversaries in their own session. This was to be a competition, after all… or so he'd thought.

He'd begin to notice a strange pattern, though. The blue team's prototypings would affect the mutations of the red team's session's underlings. And vice versa. Though the signs had pointed to two different sessions - two sets of mystic ruins (Aradia's and **GA**'s), two opposing teams, two separate chains of connected players - this had all been misleading.

He was, in fact, joining a particularly unusual bifurcated session, meant from the start to receive all twelve players through two seperate connection chains. A session with one Skaia about which twelve planets would circle. With one army of dark and one of light. With one pair of kings and one pair of queens. And with one cantankerous archagent and his contempt for authority. It wouldn't be until later in the session when the full chain wasnearly closed that Karkat would realize the truth. The truth was that it had always been the same session all along. That their teams were not competing, but cooperating towards a common goal.

Instead of being in an alternating team color pattern, half of the session was disconnected from the other half. It appeared that way until it was time to link the two chains, completing the circuit of twelve and uniting the teams. For those final two links, Skaia had a plan, as it had with the order of every preceding link, and as it did with the paradoxical seeding of its own players on the surface of the planet it would later devastate to buy itself some time. Its plan was as inescapable as all the others, as inevitable as the reckoning it would ultimately face.

There would be a mobius double reacharound, connecting Karkat to Sollux and **GA** to Equius.

Wait a second, what were those horological symbols on the blue team? Aquarius and Pisces. We haven't met them yet. I'd try to shift the narrative to them, but I suspect I'd fail, so I won't bother. They were way too mysterious to observe yet! Seriously, what was up with these guys? Did they live underwater or something? What was their deal? We'll learn all about them a bit later.


	62. Book 4 Chapter 15: grimAuxiliatrix

Chapter 15: grimAuxiliatrix

For that matter, what about the third mysterious troll, **GA**? What was _her_ deal? We'll probably find out about her later too. It will probably be quite some time before you get to know her. It could very well be pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages. Seriously, it could take forever!

A young troll girl with a dark green zodiac symbol of Virgo stood in her bright respiteblock. Her name was Kanaya Maryam. She was one of the few of her kind who could withstand the blistering Alternian sun, and perhaps the only one who enjoyed the feel of its rays. As such, she was one of the few of her kind who had taken a shining to landscaping. She'd cultivated a lush oasis around her hive, and in particular, she'd honed her craft through the art of topiary, sculpting her trees to match the puffy oracles from her dreams. She'd embraced the tool of this trade, which conveniently was the weapon of choice for those who would hunt the heinous broods of the undead which crawled from the sand at sunrise to feast on the light and living.

It would have been convenient if she actually hunted them down, but it was of course far too dangerous, every bit as suicidal as attempting to poach the terrible musclebeasts who roamed at night. So she indulged in her bright fascination with the grim through literature instead. Just before the sun went down and Kanaya joined her flora in rest, she immersed herself in tales of rainbow drinkers and shadow droppers and forbidden passion.

Kanaya was one of the few of her kind with jade green blood. As such she was one of the few who could be selected and raised by a virgin mother grub, an event so rare it eluded documented precedent. The mother grub would defend her from desert threats, and though her life would be short, in time Kanaya would assure her of her progeny.

Kanaya was also one of the few of her kind whose affection for the aesthetic strongly overpowered instinctive regard for the utilitarian. As such, she was one of the few of her kind who'd developed a zeal for fashion and design and lively colorful patterns. She decorated her hive with flora and fabric, as delicately or aggressively as inspiration demanded. She was a seamstress or a ragripper or a treetrimmer or a lumberjack, whichever she cared to be, and her unique hive was equipped with a great supply of advanced technology to accommodate her interests. The technology and indeed the hive itself had all been recovered from the ruins nearby when she'd been very young. The seed of the hive had been deployed on the volcanic rocks beneath the sand with the assistance of her lusus and the creature's remarkable burrowing skills, and they'd lived here happily together since.

Kanaya knew that the ruins and the hive and everything here that was not sand and rock had originated from the world of her dreams. She also knew that one day she'd visit this world while awake. That day was today.

Her trolltag was **grimAuxiliatrix**and she**Tended To Enunciate Each Word She Spoke Very Clearly And Carefully**

Kanaya attempted to equip her chainsaw, but she was quite sure there had never been one to speak of in her respiteblock. There was, however, a tube of lipstick on the floor. She equipped that instead into her makeupkind abstratus. Alright, time to settle down, no need to get hysterical. Suddenly, her outfit changed into a red, flowery-patterned dress. There went her Wardrobifier again. Never a dull moment in fashion when the randomization cycle was on.

She looked closely at the tube of lipstick. She could choose between her signature jade and black. Even though a troll's lips were naturally black. But they could always be blacker, and a lady with a true sense of style knew this. In any case, she decided to mix things up and go with green for a while.

Ooh, and now someone was trolling her.

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **began trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**CC: )(-ELLO!**

**GA: Hey**

**CC: KANAYA )(I!**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub glub!**

**CC: 38)**

**GA: You Seem More Excited Than Usual**

**GA: Or Less**

**GA: I Cant Tell**

**GA: Help Me Tell Without Saying Glub**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub!**

**GA: Im Going To Type This Face Now**

**GA: :?**

**GA: Even Though No One Knows How To Make A Mouth Do A Question Shape Like That**

**CC: )(a)(a sorry!**

**CC: I cant really control t)(e glubs.**

**GA: Yes You Can**

**GA: But Thats Fine You Can Glub To The Content Of Your Collapsing And Expanding Bladder Based Aquatic Vascular System**

**GA: If It Means You Are Excited About Something**

**CC: I AM -EXCIT-ED!**

**GA: Ok Why**

**CC: -Everyt)(ing we are about to do next is exciting.**

**CC: It is always exciting.**

**CC: I'm -EXCIT-ED!**

**CC: Pc)(ooooo.**

**GA: It Looks Like One Of Your Letters Got Away From You**

**CC: )(a)(a yea)( I really launc)(ed t)(at one.**

**GA: You Forked An Innocent D Loitering Over There By The Shout Pole Minding Its Own Business**

**CC: )(-E)(-E!**

**CC: Glub glub glub!**

**CC: )(-EY! Lets stop being retarded for a minute.**

**GA: Yeah Sure**

**CC: I am just worked up about t)(is game, it will be great.**

**CC: Ive been waiting a long time to get started! We all )(ave.**

**GA: I Thought So**

**GA: I Have Been Cloaked In A Mood Of Perpetual Anticipation For Some Time As Well**

**CC: We s)(ould compare notes. Even t)(oug)( we are on different teams!**

**GA: Well**

**GA: Not Really**

**CC: )(mm really?**

**CC: See t)(is is w)(y we s)(ould be comparing notes! 38O**

**GA: What Notes Would You Like To Submit For Comparison**

**CC: )(mmmmmm.**

**CC: Well I am going to join my team pretty late.**

**CC: I t)(ink I )(ave to!**

**CC: I will need to connect after my goofball moirail does so I can keep my goggles on )(is nefarious escapades.**

**CC: Its a toug)( job but its important! Everyone )(as an important job to do.**

**GA: Yeah**

**CC: Isnt t)(at w)(at youre doing too? Joining late to keep an eye on yours?**

**GA: I Dont Know For A Fact That She Is Mine**

**CC: )(a)(a youre not supposed to know for a FACT dummy!**

**CC: You just do w)(at you t)(ink is rig)(t and even if you were wrong t)(e worst t) (appened was you )(elped somebody and )(elped t)(e w)(ole world too!**

**GA: I Know**

**GA: But What If I Dont Really Want Her To Be That**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub S)(RUG.**

**GA: Yeah Glub Glub Shrug Is The Right Attitude I Think**

**GA: Our Minds Are Already Made Up Anyway Arent They**

**CC: Yes probably!**

**CC: Your clouds tell you everyt)(ing so w)(at do you even )(ave to worry about?**

**GA: They Dont Tell Me Everything**

**GA: Just As I Am Sure She Doesnt Whisper Everything To You**

**CC: T)(ats true.**

**CC: O)( s)(ucks now Im going to get sad.**

**CC: S)(e will be gone soon. 38(**

**CC: T)(oug)( I guess it will be a relief not to )(ave to worry about keeping )(er voice down anymore!**

**GA: I Wonder If Any Other Kid On The Planet Has As Many Burdens In The Fire As You**

**GA: I Doubt It**

**CC: T)(ey arent burdens!**

**CC: Ok I guess t)(ey are )(a)(a.**

**CC: But I love t)(em and I wouldnt )(ave it any ot)(er way because t)(is is w)(y Im )(ere!**

**CC: On t)(at note I t)(ink Im going to go say goodbye to )(er. Maybe you s)(ould too w)(ile you )(ave t)(e c)(ance!**

**CC: Even t)(oug)( Ill see )(er again soon w)(ic)( still seems kind of strange to me.**

**CC: But t)(ats w)(y t)(is is all so -EXCITING!**

**CC: KANAYA BY-E!**

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **ceased trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

Kanaya decided that she should check on her lusus. She'd nearly forgotten. Today her mother grub's time would come. She wanted to be there in the creature's final moments. But then it wasn't exactly final, was it? Death was pretty confusing without the finality.

She looked out her window. Oh no. She was too late. Her lusus was already dead! I'd better change into her work clothes, she thought. There was no point in getting a good dress dirty.

She turned her Wardrobifier's setting back to her standard Virgo shirt and red skirt, and rushed downstairs to where her lusus lay dead. She'd brought Kanaya this far. It was time for the troll to return the favor.

She took her lipstick and drew a dotted line across the torso of the dead lusus. She then switched her lipstick into her chainsaw and cut along the line. She reached into the green bloody mess, her hand going "splorch" as it made contact with the goop, and pulled out a spiky ball the size of her head. It was covered in small troll horns. The matriorb.

Kanaya captchalogued the matriorb through her chastity modus, which covered the captchalogue card in chains and secured it with a padlock. There we go! Safe and sound. She would serendipitously discover the key to unlock this card when and only when she was ready to use this item, and not a moment before!

She looked at her hands, covered in green blood. "Look at this mess," she muttered. All this blood and sunlight was stirring bright feelings within. She often fantasized being a true rainbow drinker from her literature. It would be a life of darting between the shadows, of persecution and being misunderstood. And of _romance_. Kanaya would drink heavily from its multicolored well, and the hemospectrum would be her wine list preceding the great feast of passion. Surely it couldn't hurt to taste the blood just a little bit. While no one was looking…

She put her finger to her mouth and… "BLUH!" she yelled. It was utterly disgusting. Oh, finally Vriska was getting back to her.

**AG: Whaaaaaaaat.**

**GA: Just Wanted To Know**

**GA: Is Your Lusus Dead Yet**

They then proceeded to have the rest of this conversation, which we've already seen, bugging and fussing and meddling through the special and magical union one could only describe as being in moirallegiance with another. At least, Kanaya guessed that was how she would describe it. Maybe. Troll romance sure was confusing!

She decided to put Vriska out of her mind for now. It was going to be hours before they had to connect anyway. She decided she might as well pack up her lunchtop and head inside. Oh, what now? What could this guy want? It never ended.

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **began trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin**

**GA: Who**

**CA: your no good connivvin fuckin backstabbin girl crush thats wwho**

**GA: Overstating Our Relationship Wont Make Me Feel Very Cooperative**

**GA: Its Paler Red Than That Ok**

**CA: pshhhhhh that is a fuckin laugh and you knoww it evveryone does**

**CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to**

**GA: Why Do I Got To**

**GA: I Dont Got To And Every Time You Take My Help For Granted I Feel Like I Got To A Little Less**

**CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing**

**CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs**

**GA: If Your Slander Werent So Predictable Id Block You Too For Saying That**

**GA: Has It Occurred To You She May Have Blocked You Because You Are Vvery Ovverbearing**

**GA: I Just Said That Aloud Now In Your Silly Accent And Had A Private Moment Of Enjoyment**

**CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her**

**CA: i figure if youre going to auspisticize any twwo brinesuckers wwho sneer at each other a funny wway you might as wwell make it official and be ours right**

**GA: Your Black Solicitation Just Seems Really Indecent**

**GA: What Do You Want From Her Anyway**

**CA: she made me somethin per a prior arrangement**

**CA: she wwill delivver it wwhen wwe meet in this game but i dont knoww wwhat the logistics are yet**

**CA: im tryin to connoiter wwith her here but shes blowwin me off again fickle dirtscrapin landhag**

**GA: What Is It**

**CA: kan stupid wwhat do you think its a fuckin gizmo to bloww up the wworld or somethin**

**CA: ok wwell not that obvviously**

**CA: but somethin thatll kill all land dwwellers wwhat else wwould i be after**

**GA: Can You Just For A Moment Entertain The Thoughts Of One Untouched By Megalomaniacal Derangement And Tell Me Why Id Want To Assist You With That**

**CA: wwell**

**CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable**

**CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be**

**GA: Also Speculate For A Moment That Self Preservation Might Not Be What Would Sway My Decision**

**CA: yeah go ahead and kiss us off but therell be blood on your hands**

**CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to**

**CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps**

**CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks**

**CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once**

**CA: you should read up on your history instead of poring through that godawwfull sunny rubbish**

**GA: Its Just**

**GA: Laborious Listening To This**

**GA: Im Sorry**

**GA: None Of It Matters**

**CA: yeah it does its important sorry but the fate of the race and purity of the bloodline is important excuse me for being concerned**

**GA: I Know**

**GA: But You Really Should Know By Now The World Will End Tonight Regardless**

**GA: Land And Sea Dwellers Alike Will All Die**

**GA: Because Of The Game We Are About To Play**

**GA: And I Agree The Fate Of The Race Is Important But Its In My Hands Now**

**GA: All Of Ours Really**

**CA: huh**

**CA: wwell ok**

**GA: Really**

**CA: ordinarily id call bullshit on terrible stinkin bs like that but i knoww you dont really lie about stuff**

**CA: unless its to yourself**

**CA: but thats wwhy i bother evven talking to you i wwouldnt evven be here SAYIN any of this otherwwise**

**CA: so did your clouds tell you that**

**GA: The Doomsday Scenario In Particular**

**GA: No Not Exactly**

**CA: i got clouds and they dont tell me SHIT they hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities**

**CA: fuckin pain in the ass fuckin clouds**

**CA: so howw do you knoww then**

**GA: I Have Another Source**

**CA: ok wwell you are jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many wways i dont knoww wwhat to say anymore**

**CA: wwhatevver wwe wwill just play and find out i guess**

**CA: so can you tell her to talk to me anywway**

**GA: No**

**CA: god dammit**

**CA: she and me are teammates wwevve got to havve a powwwwoww or SOMETHING**

**GA: You Arent Actually On The Same Team**

**CA: fuck**

**CA: fine i get it ill step off**

**CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that**

**GA: No Thats Not It**

**CA: yeah it is your real feelins run pretty awwful RUDDY methinks evverybody knowws it**

**CA: especially that assblood karkat he and me havve you so pegged about that its upright silly**

**CA: but its cool its totally fine dont wworry ill leavve you alone and givve you a shot**

**GA: Its Unbelievable**

**GA: Her Patience**

**CA: wwhat**

**CA: wwhoa wwait wwho**

**GA: Never Mind**

**CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today**

**CA: wwhat did she say**

**CA: or glub or wwhatevver**

**GA: Something About Longing To Touch You Indiscretely**

**CA: WWWWHAT**

**GA: And That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You**

**GA: As Deep In The Flushed Quadrant As One Can Be**

**CA: wwait**

**CA: did she actually say that**

**CA: in confidence**

**GA: To The Letter**

**CA: can you copy exactly wwhat she said**

**GA: Absolutely Not**

**CA: this is bullshit youre bee essing me in some wway awwful**

**CA: you dont lie but you do tease and ill tranfuse my kickass royal blood out wwith incontinent musclebeast discharge if i wwont knoww wwhen im gettin hooked**

**GA: Yeah**

**GA: Shes Just A Concerned Moirail**

**GA: Looking Out For You**

**GA: Thats All**

**CA: awwww fuck**

**CA: see im tellin you**

**CA: you got to play your cards right**

**GA: What Do You Mean**

**CA: if youre not savvvvy about howw you define yourself to people**

**CA: you can just splash into the moirail zone before you knoww wwhich wways upwward**

**GA: Oh**

**GA: Hmm**

**CA: kan its hard**

**GA: What**

**CA: being a kid and growwing up**

**CA: its hard and nobody understands**

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **ceased trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

Kanaya returned to her room. There was a lot to do before she entered. There would be lots of people to talk to and help along the way. No, not meddle with or mediate. HELP, dammit! Kanaya was very helpful.

She had a lot of information about what she and her coplayers were about to face. She was jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many ways we don't know what to say anymore. And it wasn't just cloud visions either. She had another source.

She sat at her computer and brought up an image of the Furthest Ring. In one dream, the clouds had pointed her to the address of a server hidden in an obscure pocket of a realm unknowable to mortals. It contained a journal written by a young member of an alien species. This alien had documented her experiences playing the game that Kanaya was about to play.

She could only assume this had taken place a long time ago. This race was likely ancient, preceding hers by millions of sweeps. Maybe billions! Had they been successful in repopulating their race? Had they managed to protect the matriorb and hatch a new mother grub? Had they held it together, or had they been torn apart by the complex social dynamics, the matespritships and moirallegiances and auspisticisms and kismesissitudes that would surely plague Kanaya's own group along the way? She had little doubt they'd succeeded with flying colors.

She also had little doubt that their victory had been due to their leader, a great heroine, the Tentacletherapist. From what this girl had recorded, it seemed their group had had very little knowledge of what they'd been getting into. And yet they appeared to have been the only of their kind to have risen to the challenge in a session stacked heavily against them. Kanaya was convinced that this R.L.'s leadership had been the difference.

Kanaya thought it would be nice to have a chance to talk to her. Alas, she'd likely been dead for millennia. Only the incomplete record of a long forgotten quest remained. On the other hand, if she was to discover that her quest had ended in failure, it might have been somewhat disillusioning, but that thought had never crossed her mind.


	63. Book 4 Chapter 16: Tavros in LOSAZ

Final Chapter of Hivebent. Sorry I haven't updated in a week or so. I'm trying to post this as quickly as I can. Trust me. Also, if there are strange things going on (say, for instance, I typed a web address, or there was supposed to be a picture, or someone's pesterlog response is blank), please PM me and tell me so that I can reformat it. Thanks! -Morn

* * *

Chapter 16: Tavros's Adventures in LOSAZ

Having narrowly dodged obliteration, Tavros took his place as the Page of Breath in the Land of Sand and Zephyr.

And in time, Vriska built up his hive with a bunch of stairs.

**AG: Taaaaaaaavros!**

**AG: Go outside and look at what I 8uilt for you! You are going to FLIP!**

**AT: oKAY,**

He rolled outside and groaned at the apparently endless steps. He was in a _wheelchair_! Remember, Vriska?

**AT: i THINK THIS, iS,**

**AT: pROBABLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME,**

**AG: What are you talking a8out. Look at my 8eatiful 8uilding. Don't you think it's a8out time someone got a little cre8tive with this game?**

**AT: uMMM, mAYBE,**

**AG: Everyone always wants to do things the 8oring way.**

**AG: Didn't we make a truce, Tavros? That we would try to 8e less 8oring from now on?**

**AG: You don't want to 8reak your truce with me, do you Tavros?**

**AT: nO,**

**AG: Gr8. Now get clim8ing!**

**AT: pLEASE DON'T READ THIS AS,**

**AT: a BORING THING, i HOPE,**

**AT: bUT,**

**AT: iT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT, mOSTLY,**

**AG: Man. I knew it. Toreasnooze is 8ACK IN ACTION.**

**AT: wHY DON'T YOU, iN LIKE,**

**AT: a NOT BORING WAY, bUILD,**

**AT: mORE INCLINED SURFACES, lIKE YOU DID OVER THERE,**

**AT: mAYBE YOU COULD COLOR THEM, wITH FUN COLORS,**

**AT: sO YOU WON'T THINK THEY'RE BORING AND GET ANGRY AT ME SOME MORE,**

**AG: I 8uilt that ramp 8ecause we were in a hurry to save your life, remem8er?**

**AG: A dead Tavros is even more 8oring than an alive and crippled Tavros 8y a slim margin.**

**AG: My stair structure is lovely and I'm not changing it.**

**AG: Now hop out of your wheel device and get clim8ing!**

**AT: uHH,**

**AT: cLIMBING,**

**AG: Or crawling. Whatever! Stop 8eing so helpless. It's pathetic.**

**AT: iT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME,**

**AG: What's the rush! You're in the game, safe and sound. Look in the sky. Do you see any meteors? I sure don't!**

**AT: bUT, tHERE ARE IMPS AROUND,**

**AT: aND i'LL BE SORT OF DEFENSELESS,**

**AT: lYING DOWN ON STAIRS,**

**AG: Siiiiiiiigh.**

**AG: You did not just use that excuse. We 8oth know you can commune with these things.**

**AG: Hey! Why don't you psychically command them to carry you up?**

**AG: Oh my god that is a gr8 idea. Once again, leave it to Vriska to come up with the cre8tive solutions.**

**AT: i WOULDN'T REALLY,**

**AT: WANT TO MAKE THEM DO THAT,**

**AT: i JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, wHY,**

**AT: wE CAN'T DO THIS THE EASY WAY,**

**AG: What good would that do you?**

**AG: Whatever the purpose of this game is, it makes you work hard for it!**

**AG: That way you 8ecome stronger along the way and you are 8etter prepared for whatever's next.**

**AG: Remem8er when we used to flarp together? It was the exact same principle. And that's why you were always outmatched! You were too soft and not well prepared.**

**AG: Nothing comes easy, Tavros. That is why we go through the trials in the 8rooding caverns when we are young.**

**AG: To make sure we are strong when we come out!**

**AG: Do you remem8er the trials, Tavros?**

**AT: nOT VERY WELL, nO,**

**AG: Well, I do, and they were a 8itch.**

**AG: 8ut now that I think a8out it, it would make perfect sense if your trials were really easy 8y some mistake.**

**AG: That is why you are such a soggy phlegm sponge, and why you got picked 8y such a sad, frail little lusus!**

**AT: }:(**

**AG: 8ut that's ok, it pro8a8ly wasn't your fault. Just a 8ad 8r8k!**

**AG: You're lucky you have me as a server player, so I can challenge you and help you get strong.**

**AG: Now hop out of that seat and get clim8ing! I will deliver the device to you once you are at the top.**

**AG: Clim8, Pupa!**

**AG: Cliiiiiiiiim8!**

**AT: mAYBE i SHOULD ASK TINKERBULL ABOUT THIS,**

**AT: hE'S REALLY SMART, nOW THAT HE CAN TALK,**

**AG: No!**

**AG: You don't need help from your lame 8ull fairy. He is only holding you 8ack.**

**AT: hE'S MY FRIEND,**

**AG: God. Pathetic.**

**AG: This is getting frustrating.**

**AG: Why did I have to get stuck with the cripple? Just my luck.**

**AG: Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is? Do you have any sympathy for what I'm dealing with here?**

**AT: uHH,**

**AG: You're so inconsider8. You just sit there looking smug. It's infuri8ing to look at you.**

**AG: You haven't even thanked me! Or apologized for that matter!**

**AG: uHHHHHHHH THANKS VRISKA, fOR sAVING UHH MY LIFE,**

**AG: uMMMMM IT SURE WAS 8RAVE AND HEROIC AND PRETTY OF YOU,**

**AG: aLSO uMMM dUHHH,,,, uMMM,,, i AM SORRY FROM THE 8OTTOM OF MY NOOK,,,,,,,,,,**

**AG: Seriously, how hard would that have 8een?**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: tHANKS, i GUESS,**

**AT: bUT,**

**AT: sORRY FOR WHAT,**

**AG: For 8eing crippled, you ass!**

**AT: yOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE,**

**AT: fOR BEING PARALYZED,**

**AG: Yes.**

**AG: Say you're sorry.**

**AT: i DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, oR bORING,**

**AT: bUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS, gIVEN,**

**AT: uH, tHE CIRCUMSTANCES,**

**AG: 8ullshit!**

**AG: It's something called 8asic decency and civility you fudge8looded 8oor.**

**AG: Now get down on your useless wo88ly knees and apologize.**

**AT: nO, i DON'T WANT TO,**

**AG: ::::O**

Vriska used the SGRUB cursor to shake Tavros back and forth in his wheelchair.

**AG: Apologize, Pupa!**

**AG: Apologiiiiiiiize!**

**AG: Say you're sorry for being a cripple! Wheeeeeeee!**

**AG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!**

Now Vriska had done it. She'd woken Tavros's mighty inner fury that was RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But unfortunately, Rufio was not real. He was imaginary. A fake. Like a made-up friend, the way fairies were. Tavros continued to be sad alone while Vriska shook him back and forth.

In the meantime, Vriska's server player bonked her in the back of the head with the toilet. It was time for the spider troll girl to stop.

**AG: Hey, what's your deal!**

**AG: Shouldn't you 8e helping me out of this jam instead of fussing with my plum8ing?**

**GA: Just Presenting A Floating Reminder That Tavros Will Need Plenty Of Inclined Surfaces For His Ascent**

**AG: That's silly. I made so many ramps, you wouldn't even 8elieve it.**

**AG: I specifically decided I wanted to 8uild something ugly and 8oring. It is now the land of ramps and yawns.**

**GA: Hes Reported Otherwise**

**AG: That lousy snitch! May8e I should take his computer away so he can't go crying to fussyfangs anymore.**

**GA: Maybe I Should Upend This Load Gaper Over Your Head**

**AG: No, don't!**

**GA: Im Still Learning The Interface**

**GA: It Could Happen Accidentally At Any Moment**

**AG: I'm only trying to help him. ::::(**

**GA: Think Of Another Way To Help**

**AG: Fine.**

**AG: I'll do something NICE.**

**AG: I have an idea. I will 8e right 8ack.**

**AG: And for the record, I was going to do this anyway! I was just trying to make him a 8etter player first.**

**GA: Ok**

**AG: In the meantime, how a8out I serve my client player the way I think is 8est, and you can do the same for yours?**

**GA: Hmm**

**GA: I Thought I Was**

Vriska scurried down the stairs in her hive to one of her innumerable loot strongholds where she stashed riches and gold and jewels and prizes plundered during her campaigns. And there they were. Her rocket boots. She had to confess she'd find favor with just about any kind of footwear as long as it was bright red. She'd have worn these striking boots even if they'd been pieces of junk. But as it happened, they worked fine and were awesome.

She captchalogued them and caught the eight ball that materialized. Upon making her way back up the stairs, she saw Kanaya moving the dice scattered across the floor into a nice neat pile and noticed that she'd done the same with the eight balls.

**AG: Quit cleaning up after me!**

**AG: You are so ridiculous.**

She shook the eight ball she was holding and revealed the code of the card within. It was "Pshoooes." She sent them to the bull troll. Tavros alchemized the code thing and wore the shoes. Immediately, they transformed into a sweet rocket.

"Fly pupa!" Vriska shouted.

**AG: Flyyyyyyyy!**

Some time later, Tavros and his fearsome entourage of underlings entered the ruins of an ancient temple. Two large statues of upright lizards stood on top and a small entrance was visible beneath. The underlings and their leader crawled through their and emerged into the puzzle room.

One of the imps placed a piece of green stone into the frog-shaped puzzle. It fit perfectly. Tavros communed with Vriska and let her know what was going on.

**AT: yESSSS, aNOTHER PIECE FITS,**

**AT: wE ARE MAKING SOME STRICT PROGRESS ON THIS PUZZLE,**

**AG: Oh. That's cool I guess.**

**AT: sO WHERE DO YOU THINK, iS THE NEXT ONE,**

**AG: Um, I don't know? Pro8a8ly 8uried in the stupid sand somewhere like all the others.**

**AT: oKAY, THAT'S MOSTLY WHAT i WAS THINKING TOO, bUT,**

**AT: iT SUDDENLY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU THINK THE PUZZLE IS COOL,**

**AG: The puzzle sucks! All these puzzles suck.**

**AG: If I have to help you put one more dum8 sla8 of 8oring rock into another stupid wall indent8tion I am going to put an indent8tion in my desk with my f8ce.**

**AT: bUT IT, uHH,**

**AT: iT LOOKS LIKE A FROG,**

**AT: aND THAT'S KIND OF FUN,**

**AG: Snore. These puzzles are for wigglers. I solved way 8etter puzzles than this in my heyday as Mindfang.**

**AG: Oh look some ruins. Oh look another mysterious recess in the wall! I wonder if something fits in there?**

**AG: It pro8a8ly just opens a secret passage to more wall indent8tions. I am so over this puzzle.**

**AT: uHH, bUT,**

**AT: tHEY ARE NECESSARY TO SOLVE, aREN'T THEY,**

**AT: tO FIND NEW MAGIC ARTIFACTS AND THINGS, aND LEARN MORE ABOUT THE LORE OF THIS LAND,**

**AG: Tavros, let me let you in on a little secret a8out the lore of your land.**

**AG: It's 8oring!**

**AT: }:o**

**AG: The minds of your consorts are very soft and impressiona8le.**

**AG: As easily manipul8ed as all those imps you've 8een 8ossing around.**

**AG: I have picked apart their tiny little lizard 8rains and seen through all the smoke and mirrors of their riddles.**

**AG: I have gotten to the truth they are guarding. The great 8ig mystery 8ehind this planet. And you know what it is, Tavros?**

**AT: nO,**

**AG: It's 8ullshit!**

**AG: Meaningless, 8oring, fanciful 8ullshit wrapped in flowery poems to keep you guessing.**

**AG: It all leads to one thing anyway, and that's what we should put our attention on.**

**AG: Real gamers cut to the chase. They power through all the nonsense and go for the gold.**

**AG: They cheat, Tavros.**

**AG: It is time you learned to start cheating.**

**AT: i THOUGHT, i KIND OF WAS CHEATING,**

**AT: bY MAKING FRIENDS WITH MONSTERS,**

**AG: Well, it's a good start. You are 8ending the rules and getting stuff done.**

**AG: Ok I will admit, I am fairly impressed with your progress so far. Even though you still pro8a8ly haven't even killed a single enemy!**

**AT: uMM,**

**AG: No, don't 8other. I know you haven't.**

**AG: 8ut may8e that's ok. May8e it's just your style, and your real strength is surrounding yourself with allies who are much stronger than you.**

**AG: Like me!**

**AG: I'm sure there is more than one way up the echeladder. In your case pro8a8ly the only way is to roll gently up the echeramp.**

**AG: The path of the invalid.**

**AT: yEAH, i AGREE,**

**AG: 8ut I think it's time to stop fucking around! You need to 8e challenged more.**

**AG: I have 8een designing a quest for you that should test your true limits.**

**AT: oHH,**

**AT: iS THAT WHAT YOU WERE DOING, aLL THIS TIME,**

**AG: Yes.**

**AT: i MEAN, nOT THAT i DON'T,**

**AT: aPPRECIATE IT, BUT,**

**AT: dON'T YOU HAVE YOUR OWN QUEST TO DO,**

**AG: Yeah, well, after she got me in the game, Kanaya just left me in the lurch, pro8a8ly 8ecause she's dealing with her own crisis now.**

**AG: Which is just as well 8ecause I was starting to get nannied HARD. You wouldn't even 8elieve it.**

**AT: nANNIED,**

**AG: So I had some time to kill.**

**AG: I drew you a map!**

**AT: wHOAAA,**

**AG: Here, take a look.**

**AG: It marks what will 8e your new destination. Where you will find the ultim8 challenge.**

Tavros looked at the map that Vriska had sent him. There _he_ was, with the lizards on the podium, and _there_ was where he wanted to go, some kind of broken windmill. Vriska had written: "To 7th G8! Go here →". She'd also marked two other places in the desert. There was a cave that Vriska had written "ZZZZZZZZ" about and another similar cave for which Vriska had written "More 8oring puzzles. Ignore them!"

**AT: wHERE DOES IT GO,**

**AG: I have determined from your consorts that there is a terri8le monster deep underground.**

**AG: It guards a hoard of treasure 8igger than either of us can imagine!**

**AG: It is called a denizen, and it is the 8oss of your whole planet.**

**AG: Tavros, you will go and face your denizen.**

**AT: wON'T THAT BE,**

**AT: tOO DIFFICULT,**

**AG: It will 8e the most powerful adversary you have ever met.**

**AG: 8ut you can handle it. I 8elieve in you!**

**AT: uM, tHANKS,**

**AT: i MEAN, i RESPECT THAT YOU HAVE LOTS OF,**

**AT: pIRATEY BRAVADO ABOUT STUFF, aND YOU TYPE FAST ABOUT IT,**

**AT: bUT i THINK THIS IS FOOLISH AND NOT SENSIBLE,**

**AT: i WILL PROBABLY JUST GET KILLED, rEALISTICALLY,**

**AG: May8e! That is the risk you take 8y 8eing a 8rave adventurer.**

**AG: 8ut it is a good opportunity to apply your cunning.**

**AG: May8e you can rally a huge army to 8end to your will and overwhelm the monster? Who knows! It is up to you.**

**AG: This is it, Tavros. It is time to sink or swim.**

**AT: i SHOULD GET kANAYA'S ADVICE,**

**AT: oR MAYBE kARKAT SINCE HE IS THE LEADER,**

**AG: No!**

**AG: Oh god, every time. Always going and getting to others to 8ail you out.**

**AG: Anyway, Kanaya is missing in action, and Karkat has his head up his nook with his new sta88y h8friend.**

**AG: Neither can help you.**

**AT: iT'S JUST HARD TO FIGURE OUT,**

**AT: iF YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA STRATEGICALLY,**

**AT: oR IF IT'S JUST MORE OF THE THING, wHERE YOU HARASS ME BUT SOUND EXCITED ABOUT IT,**

**AG: Tavros, I know no8ody 8elieves me a8out this, pro8a8ly not even a gulli8le dope like you.**

**AG: 8ut I actually care a8out your advancement as a player.**

**AG: Everything I have done has 8een to make you stronger!**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: i STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE, aBOUT THAT,**

**AG: Ugh, you are useless!**

**AG: I'm done talking a8out this. Now shut up and point that cherry vehicle of yours toward the X on that map.**

**AG: Next stop, g8 seven. Let's go.**

**AT: uHHHHHH,**

**AG: This isn't optional. You know very well that I can make you go to that g8 whether you want to or not!**

**AG: 8ut I would rather it not have to come to that.**

**AG: What will it 8e?**

**AG: Advance or advance?**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: i WILL GO,**

**AG: Oh one last thing.**

**AG: Equip your 8oy-Skylark outfit.**

**AG: This will 8e Pupa's last stand!**

**AG: I mean sit.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha.**

Tavros pointed his cherry red vehicle towards the X on the map and flew towards it. Actually, as it turned out, there _was_ an X on the windmill that was made up the fan blades. He flew through the gate, which seemed to actually be his second, because he was now in the Land of Maps and Treasure (LOMAT). The Thief of Light lay in wait for him.

The troll boy crashed into the side of Vriska's hive and got caught in a spider web. He desperately tried to escape, but Vriska woke up from her slumber on a pile of broken eight balls before he could crawl his way out. She wore a white dress with her symbol on it with wings attached to its back.

"Oh my," she said, stretching her limbs. She enunciated every word clearly and almost, it seemed, mockingly. "It appears as though Pupa Pan himself has flown through my window while I was asleep. How exciting! Surely he is here to take me away on the adventure of a lifetime. He's more heroic than I'd ever imagined!"

Tavros fell out onto the ground. "Vriska?" He said uncertainly. She continued to talk.

"But what's this?" she asked loudly in mock surprise. Tavros flinched. "It seems the legendary boy-skylark has misplaced his shadow. He is looking _everywhere_ for it, to no avail. He is having a devil of a time, what with being paralyzed from the waist down and all. He clearly needs my help."

She stood up and walked over to where he lay. "Vriska, what are you doing?" he said, but Vriska shooshed him.

"Pupa!" she cried. "You truly are a silly goose. Your shadow has been trapped underneath your useless torso the whole time! Honestly," she continued, shaking her head, "where else would it be, you stupid sack of shit?"

She kicked his Pupa Pan hat. "Of course," she went on, "the secret to reuniting with your shadow is to get up and walk around. And play and dance and frolic! Your shadow will surely join in the gaiety." She stood over him menacingly.

"But," he said falteringly, "I can't stand up and play and dance… and frolic, or what it was you said."

"Oh," Vriska said, faking surprise. "It appears Pupa has lost the use of his legs. There will be no frolicking in this young man's future. ::::( Unless…"

Vriska paused and Tavros took the moment to voice his objections. "Stop... um, I mean, please stop talking about me in the third person. It really gets on Rufio's nerves and…"

"Oh shut up," Vriska said annoyedly. She put her hands, one flesh and one mechanical, on her knees and bent over Tavros as one would over a pet or a small child. "Pupa, Rufio doesn't exist. He's just a name you gave your silly self-esteem.

"Now," she said, "everyone knows that just a pinch of Special Stardust along with a happy thought will allow any boy to get up and walk again." She paused for dramatic effect. "Everyone knows this because it is in the classic fairy tale, Pupa Pan. Young Pupa flies through the window of a fairy girl's respiteblock, falls on the floor, and has trouble getting up like an enormous pansy. The fairy girl then helps him walk again, and in return, he teaches her to fly, even though she probably already knows how to fly. Because she's a fairy. They fly out of her window together, and have magical adventures for many sweeps thereafter."

To be honest, Vriska hardly knew a damn thing about Pupa Pan, but she did not care. She threw a pinch of Special Stardust in Tavros's face, making him cough. She looked at him. He remained as useless as ever. The stardust had done nothing! Probably because it was just glittery powder with no magical properties whatsoever and was basically bullshit. Because in case it hadn't been clear, magic wasn't real, and neither were miracles.

Or…

It could just be that Pupa had failed to have a happy thought! Vriska's duty was clear. She would have to _make_ him have happy thoughts.

She lifted him off the ground and pressed her lips to his. Tavros struggled in Vriska's grip, eyes wide. But before he could get away, Vriska pushed him away from her, still holding his shirt tightly and snarled. Tavros wondered if Vriska was thinking Matespritship-ish thoughts or Kismesissitude-ish thoughts. She threw him back to the ground and began to manipulate him with her mind.

Tavros, under Vriska's mind control, grabbed onto her dress and tried to pull himself up, lips puckered. Vriska slapped her forehead in uncertainty and overwhelming emotions and let go of the poor troll boy. Tavros fell back to the ground.

Meanwhile, Kanaya dealt with her own crisis and entered The Medium. Whew, crisis resolved. It had no doubt been harrowing and suspenseful. But in the meantime, she'd left her client player in the lurch. Ideally the girl had not gotten herself into too much trouble. And ideally the dramatic irony had not gotten so thick she could draw a dotted line on it with a tube of lipstick and cut it in half with a chainsaw.

She sat at her lunchtop again and pulled up the screen with her server client, only to see Tavros struggling in Vriska's grip while she kissed him intensely. Kanaya's eyes widened in shock. That dress… _she'd_ made it for Vriska. So that was why the scheming spider girl had had her make it? And she'd just gone along with it like a sucker.

"Argh, I am such an IDIOT!" she yelled in outrage. She broke down and began to sob, green tears cascading down her wan face.

"There there, sweetheart," Mothersprite said comfortingly. The Mother Grub lusus laid a gnarled claw on Kanaya's shoulder.

Kanaya looked down at the other white fairy dress she'd made. It was hard. Being a kid and growing up. It was hard and nobody understood. She tossed the garment out the window.

To be continued in Book 5: The Scratch


	64. Book 5 Chapter 1: Troll Romance

Chapter 1: Troll Romance

The problem with understanding troll romance is that when the subject is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable. But we will do our best to understand regardless.

Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol. A less than sign followed by a three. A heart.**  
**

Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance requires four symbols. Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the flushed quadrant, the caliginous quadrant, the pale quadrant, and the ashen quadrant.

Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between red romance and black romance.

Red romance, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. Black romance, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.

On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are concupiscent, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are conciliatory, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.

There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.

The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time. Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.

When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be matesprits. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans (example: Rose's Mom and John's Dad). This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.

When a pair of adversaries delve into the caliginous quadrant, they become each other's kismesis. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.

For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the Black Queen and her Archagent, Jack Noir. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right. The symbol for this quadrant is the spade.

Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail.

The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the Imperial Drone comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his filial pails. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.

The genetic material - _without going into much detail_ - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.

This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.

Troll reproduction sure is weird. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.

The ashen quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.

When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their auspistice. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.

Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.

An example of an auspistitude is Kanaya mediating between Tavros and Vriska. Its symbol is the club, which has three spokes, one at the top for the auspistice and the two below for the feuding trolls.

The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.

In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities.

This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance. An example of this volatility is Equius and Aradia switching between being matesprits and kismesises.

An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.

Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though. An example of this insanity is Vriska and Tavros switching between being matesprits and kismesises and then Kanaya mediating between the two of them and stabilizing the relationship, unless Kanaya isn't paying attention.

The pale quadrant presides over moirallegiance, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.

Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their moirail. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful. The symbol for moirallegiance is that of a diamond.

It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegiance, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor.

But some pale pairings, as the one between Nepeta and Equius, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.

And yet others will seem to have been hatched for each other, such as the mysterious trolls **caligulasAquarium** and **cuttlefishCuller**, whom we will now examine and know the names of… well, after a bit more troll romance exposition. I'm going to switch out of present tense now though.

So, let's see… the two trolls we have yet to meet were in a moirallegiance, clearly (they seemed to be hatched for each other) and Kanaya resided over Tavros and Vriska as an auspistice, although sometimes it switched such that Kanaya and Vriska were in a moirallegiance, and sometimes Kanaya and **CA** would have flushed feelings for their moirallegiance partner, and sometimes sometimes Vriska and **CA** would get locked in a kismesissitude, and then sometimes Kanaya would intervene as an auspistice, and sometimes Tavros and Vriska would switch back and forth between kismesises and matesprits and Kanaya would be their auspistice and the whole cycle would repeat with those five trolls.

See the above paragraph? This was the romantic dynamics of five of the twelve trolls. Now imagine what it would have been like had I explained all pairings and auspiticisms between vicious trolls and crazy matesprit-kismesis fluctuations and moirallegiances with one partner wanting to change it to a matespritship and… see what I mean? Trolls. Romance. It would take a good chapter to describe all twelve trolls and their romantic tendencies. Maybe even a whole book! So let's not dwell on that.

Later, our troll hero Karkat would try to explain this to our human hero John, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of this chapter. He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudge-blooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready? Yes, they would.

John didn't understand any of this because he was a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage. But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape was rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believed strongly that each quadrant held one and only one true pairing for them, and it was just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of troll serendipity.

In short, their belief was that for each quadrant there existed a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were…

Made for each other. Two sea-dwelling trolls stood on the ocean floor. They were locked in an intense moirallegiance that could not be broken.

Wow, a great transition. Let's see if it'll stick this time instead of devolving into nonsense again. We have no choice but to take a stab at the rare and highly dangerous 2x transition combo.


	65. Book 5 Chapter 2: CA and CC

Chapter 2: caligulasAquarium and cuttlefishCuller

Ooh, it looks like it worked. The narrative shifted to a sea-dwelling troll with horns shaped like lightning bolts and thick reading glasses. His unruly black hair had a purple-dyed stripe in it, unusual for a troll. Two parts of his face stuck out in three-pronged gills. He wore a long purple cape over his black shirt with a purple Aquarius symbol on it and had black-and-blue-striped pants on. On his hands were a large multitude of rings and he wore an irritated expression on his face as always. Next to this troll was a bottle of Faygo as well as a black sand crab. Who was this guy anyway?

His name was Eridan Ampora and he was ready to do something awesome.

He mounted his seahorse lusus and flew up above the waves. A storm was brewing on the surface, and Eridan's face contorted into a grimace. He put his finger near the harpoon gun trigger and waited for the creature that he knew would leap out of the water. All he had to do was wait for it.

A purple bolt of lightning struck nearby with a loud crack. Eridan's seahorse, scared, attempted to get away, but he steadied it and continued to wait. And then suddenly, a whale leaped out of the clouds.

"Thar she blows," he said, and as the whale swooped around him and faced him with a monstrous roar, Eridan pulled the trigger.

A blast of bright blue light shot from the harpoon gun and caught the whale dead in the middle of its flight. It stabbed through the creature's stomach and lightning bolted away into the distance.

The whale fell from the air with a loud cry, purple blood trailing from behind it. It landed in the water with a huge splash. It was fish food now.

Okay, this guy was pretty much squared anyway. What about his moirail, the other girl?

Eridan's moirail had larger than normal horns, but they weren't as large as, say, Tavros's. She had a gold band on her forehead with her horological symbol on a magenta-colored circle in the center of it. She had long black eyelashes that were thicker than on most trolls as well as long, flowing hair that went down to perhaps her knees. She wore golden collars around her neck, wrists, and ankles as well as necklaces and bracelets that were light blue and pink. She also had magenta swimming goggles over her eyes. A double-sided trident she held behind her back, which she was kind of sitting on right now, floating deep underwater in the middle of the ocean. In terms of clothing, she had on a black tank top with a magenta symbol of Pisces on it and a strangely-designed skirt that was in the colors green, pink, and blue. She had magenta shoes on and, like Eridan, had gills on her face.

Her name was Feferi Peixes and she was ready to do something adorable.

She swam upwards toward the whale that Eridan had just killed, caught it in a net, and dragged it deep into the abyss of the deep sea, where her monstrous lusus waited.

Feferi released the net and the whale tumbled into the lusus's grasp. It extended one long tentacle and pulled the unfortunate into its waiting avian beak. She had two small eyes near where the whale was, but also maintained numerous larger eyes on its sides. To make a faithful analogy as to how large she was in terms of how many Feferi's made it up, one would need to look to perhaps an entire house being the size of the lusus and an ant being the size of Feferi.

A mysterious blue arm stuck out of nowhere and felt the end of one of the lusus's tentacles with its digits. It pulled back in surprise and disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. Feferi did not notice, nor did the lusus due to its tremendous size.

Feferi returned home. That should keep the lusus quiet for a while… at least, until she died.

Eridan returned home. That should keep Feferi happy for a while. And make a freshly orphaned troll somewhere pretty sad about the death of their whale lusus.

He conveniently stood in his respiteblock so that we may study his variety of interests. This was very considerate of the sea troll.

Flowing through Eridan's veins was nearly the richest blood the hemospectrum had to offer, penultimate on the scale. As such, he was a sea dweller, a subrace of trolls distinct from the commoners by mutation and habit, a caste which ruled over the entire species. But ruling, in his view, was not enough. He had an overpowering genocide complex, and had made it his sworn duty to kill all land dwellers. He had amassed resources and deadly weaponry from around the world for this ambition through many sweeps of extreme role playing, while pursuing a working doomsday device which would bring armageddon to all those on the surface. He hadn't had much luck with that, but maybe tonight was his night.

Eridan also held a fascination for military history and legendary conquerors. He had dubiously modeled his profile and exploits after the most notorious figures and their stories, which were bristling with the glory of victory and the sting of defeat and political machinations and romantic intrigue. It was an image he was careful to craft through exaggerated emotional theatrics, and his penchant for mass murder notwithstanding, people tended to regard him as a bit of a tool.

He also liked magic even though it he knew it to be fake. Like a made up friend, the way wizards were. Made up make believe fakey fakey fakes! It was still fun though.

His trolltag was **caligulasAquarium** and he **spoke wwith a vvery wweird and sort of wwavvy soundin accent.**

He held off on doing anything for the moment on account of courtesy to fellow royalty. It would be rude to start doing stuff while Feferi remained unintroduced.

On the subject of courtesy, Feferi had returned to her block so we could get a better look at her. Again, quite considerate. Royalty sure was civilized!

She was a sea dweller. She had the most noble blood possible, the only of her kind known to possess it, and the only to share it with Gl'bgolyb, a deep sea monster also known as The Rift's Carbuncle; Emissary to the Horrorterrors; or, in more hushed tones, Speaker of the Vast Glub.

This made her the heir apparent for Alternian rulership, which ordinarily would place her in considerable jeopardy. Her Imperious Condescension would steer the flagship from her fleet and make an attempt on Feferi's life herself, if not for the protection of her monstrous lusus. And if not forewarned of her race's extinction by the whispers of that lusus, she would have big plans for the throne. All the plans. All of them.

She would redefine what it meant to be culled in troll society. Under her rule it would mean caring for the unfit and infirm rather than exterminating them, and she'd put this idea into practice by culling the fauna of the deep. She tended to wild and beautiful aquatic hoofbeasts, grooming and feeding them daily, and she captured and caged cuttlefish by the thousands for their own good. Well, also because they were funny and colorful and Feferi loved them. They often swam through the bars of their cages, but that was fine. She ran her whole palace as a sort of wildlife adoption facility, even if the wildlife's need for care was dubious at best, and the practice really just amounted to an elaborate role playing scenario. It was still fun though.

Feferi would also look forward to using her reign to unite the two troll races. She'd been told she would do this by her lusus, even if it did contradict her message of extinction. Oh well, she supposed _not all _prophecies could come true.

Her trolltag was **cuttlefishCuller** and she **)(ad a )(ard time not getting R-EALLY -EXCIT-ED ABOUT PRACTICALLY -EV-ERYT)(ING**.

Eridan and Feferi decided to do something ridiculous together. Feferi envisioned herself riding one of her aquatic hoofbeasts. YES. Eridan envisioned himself riding his seahorse lusus. FUCK YES. Feferi tipped her hat to Eridan. HELL… Eridan wore a blue scarf and a blue pointy wizard hat and held a lightning bolt-shaped magic wand in his hand even though magic was fake. Clearly. …FUCKING… They did a fistbump over the ocean. ...YES!

Except that last paragraph didn't actually happen. It had all been in their imaginations. They did, however, contact each other via Trollian.

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **began trolling ****cuttlefishCuller [CC]**

**CA: fef**

**CA: hey**

**CC: ?**

**CA: glub**

**CC: Glub glub!**

**CC: 38)**

**CA: yeah**

**CA: hm**

**CC: W)(at is it!**

**CA: wwhat**

**CC: I am wondering if you can forego t)(e exaggerated emotional t)(eatrics for once and actually tell me w)(at's on your mind!**

**CA: nothins on my mind wwhy cant i just fuckin talk and glub at you for a reason i dont havve**

**CC: 38|**

**CA: wwell fine but you dont wwant to hear it**

**CC: Yes I do.**

**CC: We are supposed to talk to eac)( ot)(er, t)(at is w)(at moirails are for.**

**CA: uhuh wwhatevver**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub siiiiig)(.**

**CC: Will you take t)(e c)(ip off your nub and tell me w)(at's t)(e matter?**

**CA: yeah wwell ok since wwe are the PALEST OF PALS A GUY COULD EVVER ASK FOR**

**CA: i wwill tell you**

**CA: evven though you wwill only humor me as usual since you dont agree wwith my agenda**

**CA: any of my agendas really**

**CA: none of the agendas**

**CA: none of them**

**CC: Are you fretting over anot)(er one of t)(ese dumb contraptions?**

**CA: see**

**CA: more condescension**

**CA: you are goin to make a hell of an empress**

**CC: No I'm not! But t)(at is beside t)(e point.**

**CC: None of your plots to kill t)(e land dwellers ever work out, and every doomsday device you get your )(ands on turns out to be a piece of junk!**

**CA: so**

**CA: i got to keep tryin thats howw all the great military masterminds became great through upright persevverance**

**CC: I t)(ink deep down you stack t)(ese plots against you so you fail because you know it's wrong.**

**CA: it isnt wwrong**

**CA: im not going to explain it to you again**

**CA: at this point all you need to knoww is its important to me**

**CA: and im doing it for us**

**CA: i mean our kind**

**CA: nobody understands not evven you**

**CC: T)(is is t)(e last time I will say t)(is.**

**CC: W-E AR-E NOT B-ETT-ER T)(AN ANYBODY!**

**CC: GLUB. 38(**

**CA: pshh**

**CA: hemospectrum begs to differ**

**CC: If you're as sickened by t)(em as you say, w)(y do you spend so muc)( time on land?**

**CC: You can't )(ave t)(e sort of affinity for "our kind" t)(at you profess if you've only spent, w)(at...**

**CC: A few days underwater, maybe? IN YOUR W)(OL-E LIF-E!**

**CA: wwhatevver**

**CA: i havve to keep an eye on em up here**

**CA: its all about tactics**

**CC: W)(at about your friends? Do you ever t)(ink about t)(em?**

**CC: If t)(ey are beneat)( you t)(en t)(ey )(ave to die too.**

**CC: And I know you like talking to some of t)(em. You say you )(ate t)(em but I t)(ink you are pretending!**

**CA: history is full of cases wwhere conquerers consort wwith members of the enemy in a mannerly wway before wwipin them out**

**CA: evven goin as far as growwin fond a some**

**CA: its only civvilized**

**CC: Mmm )(mm.**

**CC: I )(ave a fis)(y feeling...**

**CC: T)(at t)(is stupid doomsday mac)(ine t)(ing is just anot)(er excuse to consort!**

**CC: Wit)( someone in particular...**

**CA: all your feelins are fishy**

**CC: 38P**

**CA: GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB**

**CC: 38O**

**CC: DON'T YOU GLUB IN T)(AT TON-E OF GLUB WIT)( M-E MIST-ER!**

**CA: ill glub in wwhatevver dumbass bubbly soundin fishnoise i wwant to glub**

**CC: O)( S)(IT, you are angling for SO MUC)( TROUBL-E NOW.**

**CA: ok please lets just not get into the wwhole fuckin fish pun thing again ok**

**CA: like wwe get it wwe are nautically themed**

**CC: )(-E)(-E ok. 38)**

**CA: but yeah i dunno**

**CA: i dont knoww wwhy she ignores me i guess shes just bored wwith me**

**CA: wwe had it all set up for her to givve me this thing tonight that probably doesnt evven wwork but yeah maybe that wwasnt the point**

**CA: i mean you think wwe havve a pretty good rivvalry goin right**

**CA: or at least had**

**CA: it wwas pretty fuckin bitter and contentious for a wwhile there and there wwas some good chemistry i dont knoww wwhat happened**

**CC: Um, I guess?**

**CC: I wouldn't really know.**

**CC: Sometimes people just drift away I t)(ink, or just aren't as into t)(e quadrant as t)(e ot)(er wants to be.**

**CC: So you really t)(ink your feelings for )(er run t)(at dark?**

**CA: it doesnt matter like i said shes bored shitless**

**CA: i guess im not as good a advversary as i thought**

**CC: T)(at is so ridiculous, any girl would be lucky to )(ave a kismesis as diabolical as you, especially T)(AT one.**

**CC: W)(o knows w) (er problem is! S)(e )(as issues.**

**CA: ehhh**

**CA: wwell ok thanks for sayin so**

**CC: You know, I'm not sure w)(y we never talk about our romantic aspirations.**

**CC: We s)(ould more often. It is kind of -EXCITING!**

**CA: shrug**

**CC: Probably because you fill your gossip quota wit)( your nubby )(orned bro.**

**CC: You leave not)(ing left to talk about wit)( your dear sweet moirail!**

**CC: We are supposed to )(elp eac)( ot)(er wit)( t)(at stuff too, remember.**

**CA: maybe**

**CA: seems kinda**

**CA: odd though**

**CC: Your stupid fis)(y face is w)(at's odd!**

**CC: )(AV-E YOU -EV-ER T)(OUG)(T ABOUT T)(AT?**

**CA: fine**

**CA: wwell those are my stupid feelins wwhat about yours**

**CA: seems to me like you get along too wwell wwith evverybody to be harborin any black sentiments**

**CC: Um...**

**CC: Yea)(. I can't t)(ink of anybody I feel t)(at way about. 38\**

**CC: Maybe I am just not old enoug)( to )(ave t)(ose feelings yet? We are still pretty young you know.**

**CA: yeah**

**CC: So ok. T)(ose are your black leanings.**

**CC: W)(at about R-ED, -Eridan?**

**CC: )(MMMMM? 38D**

**CA: oh god**

**CC: Is t)(ere a lucky lady you are waxing scarlet for?**

**CC: OR LUCKY F-ELLOW? 38O**

**CA: uh**

**CC: Tell me!**

**CC: Don't pretend you're all -EMBARRASS-ED SUDD-ENLY!**

**CA: ok fef**

**CA: this is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS**

**CC: 38o**

**CA: i gotta go**

**CA: be back later wwhen its time to play**

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **ceased trolling ****cuttlefishCuller [CC]**

**CC: 38(**

Eridan stood up in silence. Another emotionally exhausting conversation. Too many feelings and problems. He and this sea princess had splashed down hard in the moirail zone, and now he didn't know which way was upward. Perhaps tonight he'd reveal his true feelings for her, and end these exaggerated emotional theatrics once and for all, one way or another. He needed a stiff drink.

On the floor sat the bottle of Faygo he'd picked up earlier. Ugh. Not that swill. He wasn't that desperate.

He paid a visit to what the common land dwellers referred to as a thermal hull, instead of the aristocratic and especially esoteric and alien-sounding term, a refrigerator. He opened it up and a bunch of unbelievably shitty wands tumbled out. Of course he'd known these were in here. He wasn't even sure why he'd looked.

Feferi stood up in silence. Another emotionally exhausting conversation. Too many feelings and problems. That guy. Talk about a high-maintenance moirail. Perhaps tonight she'd reveal her true feelings toward him, and end these exaggerated emotional theatrics once and for all, one way or another. She needed a sugary drink.

She opened a can of Tab, which made a "pchhhissss" sound, seeing as how she was underwater.

"This is stupid!" she yelled as she tried to ingest the liquid, which poured everywhere and mixed with the water around her. She glubbed in annoyance.

Anyway, Feferi decided to unwind and take her mind off the drama for a while before starting the game. She'd nearly forgotten that this was going to be an exciting night. Everything she was about to do next was exciting. It was always exciting. She was excited.

She unequipped Ψdon's Entente, a golden double culling fork, a legendary weapon reserved for royalty, and generally only used for ceremonial purposes.

Eridan unequipped his gun, Ahab's Crosshairs, which was yet another legendary weapon, about as powerful as his riflekind abstratus would allow. He'd plundered the weapon from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. It had been the same old gamblignant's ship from which her accomplice at the time had also plundered a set of extraordinarily powerful dice.

He almost felt sorry for the adversaries he would face tonight. They would likely pose neither team much challenge at all. Unless one of the links in the prototyping chain included something especially strong and monstrous, but really, what were the odds of that happening?

On the subject of his old accomplice/rival, he guessed he'd try talking to her one more time, even though he knew she wouldn't answer. He knew she was bored shitless with him and his drama. He was almost starting not to care about this stupid doomsday device which probably wouldn't even work. She probably _knew_ he knew it wouldn't work. She had probably put all the pieces together and knew it was an elaborate ruse to be in cahoots with her again. And that stupid Serket had just gone along with it, playing him for a chump. He was such an idiot!

Meanwhile, in Vriska's block, Trollian started acting up as Equius trolled her. But the spider girl was off going on adventures with Eridan's doomsday device crushing Spidermom and so forth.

Equius waited, but Vriska didn't respond. "Yeah, see?" he muttered to himself. "No answer. Bored shitless of me, just as I thought." She had much hotter irons in the fire than him these days.

But not that long ago, he'd been the hottest iron. At the height of their prowess as seagrifts, Marquise Mindfang and Orphaner Dualscar had been in alliance an unmatched terror, and in competition, unbridled tempest. Either way, spoils had typically been traded and shared. No levels had been left for anyone else to gain. None of the levels.

She would have the victims of his conquest walk the plank to where her Spidermom waited for food below while he would reap the custodial spoils. And while yet another partook not in revelry, but in necessity. Feferi had had to keep Gl'bgolyb fed to keep her calm, to keep her terrible voice down. If the lusus were to raise the voice above a whisper, trolls would begin dying. First the lesser bloods, then those more psychically susceptible. If she were to raise it to a shout, all on the planet would die. Land and sea dwellers alike. And if she were ever to get really upset, she might release The Vast Glub, a psychic shockwave that would exterminate every troll in the galaxy.

In truth, it would be all too easy to solve the land dweller problem once and for all. They'd just lighten up on the feeding schedule for a while. Maybe he'd be a little too busy to bother with that hassle for once? Or maybe he could happen to be off his game for a spell? It happened, even to the best sometimes. But nah. It would make Feferi upset. More emotions. More problems. That was all he needed.

Sometime later, the Witch of Life took her place in the Land of Dew and Glass (LODAG). Feferi reported the status of her adventure to Eridan.

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **began trolling ****caligulasAquarium [CA]**

**CC: W)()()()()(-E-E-E-E-EW.**

**CA: fef are you in**

**CC: Yea)(...**

**CA: that took forevver**

**CA: i wwas gettin wworried kinda**

**CC: Yes, it was a pretty close call, and got kind of complicated.**

**CC: But Sollux finally came t)(roug)(, and now I believe t)(e full c)(ain is complete!**

**CA: man that guy**

**CA: hes a fuckin drama machine it is fuckin pathetic**

**CC: YOUR STUPID FIS)(Y FAC-E IS T)(-E DRAMA MAC)(IN-E T)(AT DO-ES NOT)(ING BUT W)(IN-E AND GLUB.**

**CC: 38P**

**CA: fuck SORRY**

**CC: Anyway you s)(ouldn't say t)(at about )(im, )(e is a )(ero and )(e saved my life.**

**CA: yeah sorry**

**CA: i wwas just really wworried and stressed out i thought you wwere dead**

**CA: and i didnt evven get to thank you for savvin my life or really for anythin**

**CA: and i just spent all this time here wworryin and thinkin about stuff**

**CA: and i decided i havve something i wwant to tell you**

**CA: that ivve been meaning to get off my nub for a wwhile noww**

**CC: O)(, really?**

**CC: T)(at's good! Actually, I )(ave somet)(ing I )(ave been meaning to say to you too.**

**CA: wwhoa really**

**CA: uh**

**CA: wwhat is it**

**CA: you go first**

**CC: Mm, okay.**

**CC: But t)(is isn't easy to say!**

**CA: yeah i knoww**

**CA: its ok maybe i wwill understand more than you think**

**CA: wwe might evven be sayin the same thing**

**CC: Okay, I )(ope so.**

**CC: I t)(ink...**

**CC: Now t)(at we are bot)( in t)(is game, and )(ave left our world be)(ind...**

**CC: And you can no longer pose t)(e danger to our people t)(at you )(ad always planned to...**

**CC: I t)(ink it is not really necessary for me to be your moirail anymore.**

**CA: wwhoa**

**CA: wwait**

**CA: wwhat**

**CC: 38(**

**CC: I am really sorry, -Eridan. It )(as just been so )(ard looking after you and keeping you out of trouble!**

**CC: It )(as taken its toll, and )(onestly I am really ex)(austed.**

**CA: fuck**

**CA: this isnt what**

**CA: i dont knoww i wwasnt expectin this at all**

**CA: im not sure i can handle this**

**CC: I'm sorry! 38'(**

**CC: It will be t)(e best for bot)( of us. We can just sort of be...**

**CC: Regular friends instead.**

**CA: no**

**CA: please dont**

**CA: look im bein serious here dont do this**

**CA: i wont even use my weird accent while i type ok so you know im bein really dead serious and honest about this**

**CC: Uh...**

**CC: Okay, I am being serious and honest too. SEE?**

**CA: ok good**

**CA: are you sure you arent bein hasty about this youve just been through a lot**

**CA: i mean we are supposed to be fated to be moirails arent we**

**CA: isnt that how it works**

**CA: you cant just throw all that away cause youre sick of me**

**CC: I am not sick of you, Eridan! I still really like you.**

**CC: In order to be destined for moirallegience, both people have to be on board, don't you think?**

**CC: But I cannot do it anymore. So I think it just wasn't meant to be all along.**

**CC: And really, you just don't need me anymore. You are free to do as you wish! We both are.**

**CC: I can't look after you anymore.**

**CA: I DIDNT EVER NEED ANYONE TO LOOK AFTER ME**

**CA: i was totally fuckin fine my ambitions were noble**

**CA: and really none of your fuckin business QUITE FRANKLY your majesty**

**CA: and the only reason i put up with stickin my flipper in this fuckin shithole quadrant with you was**

**CC: Was what?**

**CA: nevermind**

**CC: Tell me!**

**CA: ok fine**

**CA: i apologize for losin my shit over this i was just caught off guard is all**

**CA: but maybe its a good thing really**

**CA: actually i might a been proposin the same thing to be honest**

**CC: Oh?**

**CA: yeah**

**CA: fef have you thought about**

**CA: since you dont wanna be pale with me no more**

**CA: the possibility a some other type of arrangement with me**

**CC: What do you mean?**

**CA: i mean**

**CA: somethin a bit more**

**CA: kinda reddish**

**CA: like**

**CA: brighter red**

**CC: 38O**

**CC: No, I hadn't thought about it!**

**CA: ok well what do you think about it**

**CA: now that youre thinkin about it**

**CC: Um...**

**CC: I really don't know about that.**

**CA: why not i thought you said you liked me**

**CC: I do! But I don't know if it's really in that way.**

**CA: couldnt it be though**

**CA: dont you think theres room in your collapsin and expandin bladder based aquatic vascular system for those feelins**

**CC: I've never had a chance to consider anything like that! I have just spent all my time worrying about you and trying to keep you from killing everybody or hurting yourself.**

**CC: It took all my energy.**

**CC: I don't think I have anything left for those feelings either.**

**CA: oh god**

**CC: What?**

**CA: im the biggest fuckin idiot who ever lived**

**CA: i cant BELIEVE i just opened up to you like a chump when i knew what was comin**

**CA: i am one sad fuckin brinesucker**

**CA: overemotional sappy trash youre right im not better than anybody**

**CA: im worse than anybody**

**CA: EVERYBODY**

**CA: all the bodies**

**CC: STOP!**

**CC: God.**

**CC: Will you just clam up for once in your life?**

**CC: Always carping and carping and carping!**

**CC: You go completely overboard with your emotions, always looking to reel in drama wherever you can.**

**CC: I am up to my gills in it! I just can't salmon the strength anemonemore.**

**CA: i cannot**

**CA: BELIEVE**

**CA: you are doin the fish pun thing while youre breakin up with me**

**CA: real nice**

**CA: whoops i mean REEL nice**

**CC: HEHEHE, sorry.**

**CC: But really, this shouldn't be as bad as it sounds.**

**CC: When all is said and done, I am still your friend.**

**CC: We have left our world behind. Everyone is dead, and there's no use in worrying about it now.**

**CC: It's over! It is time to play this game and focus on building something new and -EXCITING.**

**CC: So )(ang in t)(ere, -Eridan.**

**CC: I )(ave to go now! Sollux is in serious trouble, and I )(ave to go )(elp )(im.**

**CC: BY-E!**

**CA: wwait**

**CA: dont go**

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **ceased trolling ****caligulasAquarium [CA]**

**CA: glub**


	66. Book 5 Chapter 3: Meta Nonsense

Chapter 3: Meta Nonsense

Eridan banged his face against the desk. He was such an idiot. In the meantime, Feferi leaped up to her first gate to where Sollux was. She was FR-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Karkat decided to check on Sollux, but the server client was moving too slowly. "Come on, come on. Damn thing. I have to hurry or else…" He froze mid-sentence and looked at his screen. "Sollux?" he asked warily, his voice tinny. Behind him, Gamzee and Jack Noir watched him with stoned and snarling expressions, respectively. Nothing new there. Karkat slowly opened Trollian and trolled Sollux.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**CG: BRO ARE YOU OK.**

**CG: HEY**

**CG: OH GOD**

**CG: WHAT HAVE I DONE.**

**CG: SOLLUX?**

**CG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S JUST HONEY.**

**CG: PLEASE JUST BE HONEY PLEASE JUST BE HONEY PLEASE JUST BE HONEY**

**CG: HAHA, OK, MAKE-BELIEVE TIME IS OVER!**

**CG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD**

Sollux lay on the Alchemiter in his block, covered in his own blood and the mind honey bees. His glasses were off to the side and his eyes were blank. Too blank. The biclops lusus hovered nearby. He was dead. Karkat began to cry.

"There, there," Jack said, patting the troll on the back, "you blubbering goddamn pansy." Behind them, Gamzee honked jovially. The three of them stood in Gamzee's planet in The Medium, the Land of Tents of Mirth.

As Jack slapped the blubbering Karkat back and forth, Gamzee indulged the emotional theatrics of Eridan, who also seemed to be trying to get hold of Karkat.

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **began trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**CA: gam i need to talk to kar wwhere is he he isnt answwerin**

**TC: He's bUsY BeInG SlApPeD MoThErFuCkIn sEnSeLeSs bY ThE GuY WhO LiKeS KnIvEs**

**TC: BuT I CaN ReLaY WhAt mEsSaGe yOu gOt, My bRoThEr**

**CA: i dont feel comfortable wwith that**

**CA: i havve some serious feelins and problems here and i need some advvice**

**TC: HaHa, YeAh i fEeL YoU, hE'S PrEtTy wOrKeD Up tOo**

**CA: wwhy**

**TC: BeCaUsE OuR GoOd bRo sOlLuX JuSt kIcKeD ThE WiCkEd mOtHeRfUcKiN ShIt**

**CA: wwhat the fuck do you mean by that**

**CA: are you sayin hes dead**

**TC: YeAh :o(**

**CA: oh fuck**

**CA: oh god fuck noww i feel like an asshole**

**TC: YeAh i'd sAy tHaT An aSsHoLe iS ThE ThInG ThAt jUsT AbOuT WhAt eVeRyBoDy fEeLs lIkE**

**TC: KaRkAt bLaMeS HiMsElF On iT, pOoR MoThErFuCkEr**

**TC: BuT I ToLd hIm tO Be cHiLl**

**TC: BeCaUsE ThErE Is a mIrAcLe cOmInG, i cAn fEeL It**

**CA: that is the wworst fuckin advvice**

**CA: wwhat an awwful thing a you to say**

**CA: MAGIC ISNT REAL STUPID STOP BELIEVVIN IN IT**

**TC: i'Ve gOt tO BeLiEvE At wHaT My hEaRt tElLs iN Me, EvEn iF It's a fAkE ThInG**

**TC: HoNk**

**CA: this is a lot a pointless fuckin rubbish and isnt no emotional help to him or me either for that matter**

**CA: put kar on**

**TC: UuUuH, i cAn't rEaLlY ThInK AbOuT InTeRvEnInG, tHe bLaCk fRoWnInG MoThErFuCkEr kInDa sCaReS Me**

**TC: ArE YoU SuRe i cAn't hElP A bRoThEr Up iNtO HiS MoThErFuCkIn cHiLl?**

**CA: i dont knoww**

**CA: it probably doesnt matter**

**CA: my feelins seem petty and meaninless noww**

**CA: she had better things to wworry about than my ovverwwrought bullshit**

**CA: like the dead guy wwho savved her**

**CA: so forget it thanks anywway**

**TC: BrO My aDvIcE Is yOu jUsT KiCk bAcK AnD MoThErFuCkIn sNaP InTo sOmE RuDe eLiXiR AnD MaYbE GeT YoUr wIcKeD ZoNe oN**

**TC: ThErE I SaId mY PeAcE**

**CA: wwhat the FUCK are you fuckin babblin about**

**TC: SnAtCh aN IcEcOlD, dOg**

**TC: MoThErFuCkIn cHuG ThAt sHiT LiKe yOu aNd tHe bOtTlE WaS ReUnItEd lOvErS**

**CA: are you recommendin a bevverage to me or somethin**

**CA: is that wwhat this is**

**TC: YeAh mAn SlAm A FaYgO**

**CA: i dont havve a fuckin faygo you stupid fuck wwhy wwould i keep that disgusting shit on hand**

**TC: ArE YoU MoThErFuCkIn sUrE AbOuT ThAt?**

**CA: oh**

**CA: oh god youre right i do**

**CA: i totally forgot about it**

**TC: YoU SeE MaN**

**TC: MoThEr**

**TC: FuCkIn**

**TC: MiRaClEs**

**TC: :o)**

Eridan prepared to kick back and motherfuckin' snap into some rude elixir and maybe get his wicked zone on. It sure would be startling if what followed was another one of those "This is stupid!" moments accompanied by an odd, short exclamation.

"Bluh!" Eridan said, but then stopped. What was he thinking? It was just soda. Not great, but not that bad either. What was the big deal? We all needed to settle down here.

Later, Feferi arrived in Sollux's respiteblock and administered the universal remedy for the unawakened. Dream Sollux woke up from the shock of the kiss.

"Bluh," Karkat said, sticking his tongue out at the scene. A sea princess kissing a dead mustard-blooded hacker was something he'd not been looking forward to seaing… he meant seeing. Jack facepalmed.

Gamzee fell over backwards onto one of his horns with a loud "honk." Jack performed a facepalm x2 combo.

"Hey kid," came a voice in Karkat's mind. "Never got a chance to say how much I hate you. Every last one of you."

Spades Slick stood in front of the 12-paneled console, typing at the keyboard in front of him. The keys were covered with red blood from his arm, which had been amputated by his adversary, Snowman. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go back and read the Intermission in Book 2. This is why you don't goddamn skip things!

SS facepalmed at the sight of Karkat watching Feferi kiss Sollux's dead body. "Goddamn troll kids," he said angrily. "Every time you turn around they're smoochin' each other. Makes a man want to stab his own gut and puke blood."

Andrew Hussie (AH) watched Spades watch Karkat watch Feferi kiss Sollux's dead body. Okay, yeah, that's me. I'll talk in first person now, thank you very much. So basically, it is like I am the kid from the Never Ending Story. I was chased by some bullies into this fucking attic and now I am watching people watching people watching more people kissing and stuff basically forever. How many metalayers removed can this story get?

This attic is spooky. Oh, and there's a storm outside, by the way. I wish those bullies would just leave me alone. Later on I am going to ride a long magic dog through the sky and fuck their shit up.

Ugh. This troll paint is making a mess, smearing everywhere. It was such a bad idea to cosplay as Kanaya. She's a character from _my_ story. What kind of an author does that? And these horns are itchy on my head. Yuck.

Suddenly, while I was distracted by his brooding, the story became even more meta.

The reader looked at the book in surprise as suddenly it featured him/her as well! You held your handheld gun (you had a pistolkind abstratus) to your head in your planet in The Medium, the Land of Stumps and Dismay.

You saw that I was employing a daring execution of Authortech - Ladder to Self Indulgence behind his own back. It kept happening.

You made a solemn vow to do an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the stump over there and blow your brains out if it doesn't stop happening.

"Yeah, okay, haha, Hussie," you say. "Now get back to the story, you jackass."

"Excuse me?" I asked in annoyance. I took my horns off and wiped the gray paint off of them with my black shirt that had Kanaya's dark green Virgo symbol on it. "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I not going fast enough for you? Well, _quite frankly_, your majesty, I don't think you realize what kind of hell I've been through. Do you have any idea how long I've been trapped in this attic? Do you have any idea how _fucking scary_ it is in here? Do you have even the _slightest clue_ how many times that wolf head over there has _scared the shit out of me_?"

"Uh… wolf?" you asked, confused. I turned the computer to show a wolf head on a mounted plaque. The lightning from the storm outside illuminated one side of it for a brief second, startling you.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" you yelled. "This is ridiculous," you said. "Let's get back to Sollux and Feferi, or at least Karkat and Jack and Gamzee, or at least Spades Slick!"

"No," I said. "This is _my life_ we're talking about here. Bullies. Wolves. Musty attics. Huge spiders. Did I mention the spiders? Let me tell you, I got _hella_ spiders up in this…" One of the horns fell off of the band that I'd been wearing on my head. "Fuck," I swore. "Dammit. Piece of shit. Wonder if there's any glue in here… oh screw it.

"Do you have any idea how much power I wield over you?" I said, getting back to the point. "To what extent I can RUIN the shit you step in with that squeaky clean sunday loafer you only use the laces for, jamming them in the book to keep track of where you are, day goddamn in and day fucking out? Do you possess even the most infinitesimal kernel of cognizance for the degree to which I can make the shorn, shivering weasel that is the totem spirit representing your wretched fascination with Homestuck squeal in heartrending remorse?

"It would be so easy! I could just snap my gray smudgy fingers _right now_, and make you read all the troll romance exposition all over again. Oh, you don't think I'll do it?"

"Oh my god," you breathed.

The problem with understanding troll romance is that when the subject is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable. But we will do our best to understand regardless.

Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol: **3**

Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance requires four symbols. Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the flushed quadrant, the caliginous quadrant, the pale quadrant, and the ashen quadrant.

Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between red romance and black romance.

Red romance, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. Black romance, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.

On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are concupiscent, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are conciliatory, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.

There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.

The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time. Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.

When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be matesprits. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans (example: Rose's Mom and John's Dad). This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.

When a pair of adversaries delve into the caliginous quadrant, they become each other's kismesis. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.

For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the Black Queen and her Archagent, Jack Noir. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right. The symbol for this quadrant is the spade: .

Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail.

The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the Imperial Drone comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his filial pails. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.

The genetic material - _without going into much detail_ - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.

This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.

Troll reproduction sure is weird. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.

The ashen quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.

When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their auspistice. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.

Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.

An example of an auspistitude is Kanaya mediating between Tavros and Vriska. Its symbol is the club, which has three spokes, one at the top for the auspistice and the two below for the feuding trolls: .

The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.

In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities.

This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance. An example of this volatility is Equius and Aradia switching between being matesprits and kismesises.

An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.

Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though. An example of this insanity is Vriska and Tavros switching between being matesprits and kismesises and then Kanaya mediating between the two of them and stabilizing the relationship, unless Kanaya isn't paying attention.

The pale quadrant presides over moirallegiance, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.

Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their moirail. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful. The symbol for moirallegiance is that of a diamond: .

It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegiance, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor.

But some pale pairings, as the one between Nepeta and Equius, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.

And yet others will seem to have been hatched for each other, such as the mysterious trolls **caligulasAquarium** and **cuttlefishCuller**, whom we will now examine and know the names of… well, after a bit more troll romance exposition. I'm going to switch out of present tense now though.

So, let's see… the two trolls we have yet to meet were in a moirallegiance, clearly (they seemed to be hatched for each other) and Kanaya resided over Tavros and Vriska as an auspistice, although sometimes it switched such that Kanaya and Vriska were in a moirallegiance, and sometimes Kanaya and **CA** would have flushed feelings for their moirallegiance partner, and sometimes sometimes Vriska and **CA** would get locked in a kismesissitude, and then sometimes Kanaya would intervene as an auspistice, and sometimes Tavros and Vriska would switch back and forth between kismesises and matesprits and Kanaya would be their auspistice and the whole cycle would repeat with those five trolls.

See the above paragraph? This was the romantic dynamics of five of the twelve trolls. Now imagine what it would have been like had I explained all pairings and auspiticisms between vicious trolls and crazy matesprit-kismesis fluctuations and moirallegiances with one partner wanting to change it to a matespritship and… see what I mean? Trolls. Romance. It would take a good chapter to describe all twelve trolls and their romantic tendencies. Maybe even a whole book! So let's not dwell on that.

Later, our troll hero Karkat would try to explain this to our human hero John, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of this chapter. He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudge-blooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready? Yes, they would.

John didn't understand any of this because he was a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage. But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape was rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believed strongly that each quadrant held one and only one true pairing for them, and it was just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of troll serendipity.

In short, their belief was that for each quadrant there existed a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were…

Made for each other.

"Wow," you said softly.

I threw Cal up into the air and spiked him downward. "Booyeah! That's what just happened, bitch!"

"Alright, now you're _definitely_ trolling us," you said, exasperated. "Come on!"

I replied with a simple:

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!**

"Okay, I'm done," I said. "Recap then?"

"Nah," you said. "I think we're good for now."

"Yeah, okay," I said, sitting back at my keyboard, which was covered in gray paint smudges. "I guess I've trolled you guys enough. Where were we? Oh yeah, Slick." I flexed my fingers and got back to work.


	67. Book 5 Chapter 4: Team Adorabloodthirsty

Chapter 4: Team Adorabloodthirsty

Slick pressed the ⇒ button on the keyboard. It was bad enough he'd had to watch this broad smooch a corpse and this kid bawl his eyes out already, even if it was centuries ago.

The screen displayed an error message. "== INVALID SYNTAX," it said. Oh for the love of… why would someone even _design_ a button like that if it didn't print the right advancement characters? He really was tired of mashing the "=" key. He did so anyway, typing "= = = =" and then pounding the button angrily with his bloody fist. It only accepted the NEXT command if there were 6 arrow keys, because for some reason, everything was about the number 612. 6-sweep-old kids. There were 12 of them. Blah blah blah so on and so forth. Like the first three books and their fascination with 413. Did you not notice that? You should have.

Sollux, wearing his purple moon pajamas, floated out of his tower on Derse. This moon was different. It was very… purple. And quiet. It didn't look like anyone here was awake yet.

This moon wasn't like the yellow moon he'd just been dreaming about. Plenty of friends there, all up and about, making a racket. It had been fun for a while. Until he'd woken up with honey in his mouth, killed his lusus, saved a princess, and died. Luckily he had a couple of lives to spare. Most players only got one extra, but he was kind of a special case, what with his four horns and red-and-blue bifurcation and such.

"BOY," came a voice.

"Huh?" Sollux said, looking around for the source.

"YOU THERE. RED AND BLUE EYE BOY." Clubs Deuce stepped out from the shadows and looked at Sollux.

"I REMEMBER THIS!" said the voice. Sollux wasn't directly conscious of the voice. He didn't realize that the voice was of the black carapacian before him from the future. "I DID NOT GET THE CHANCE TO FORMALLY GREET YOU. I SUSPECT THIS IS WHAT MADE YOU ANGRY. BUT WORRY NOT. I HAVE BEEN BRUSHING UP ON YOUR 'TROLL ETIQUETTE'. PARDON ME WHILE I CONSULT THE APPROPRIATE PAGES. IT WILL ONLY BE A MOMENT. THIS BOOK IS VERY THICK!" Just what Sollux needed. Another voice of the imminently deceased invading his head. Hadn't they caused him enough trouble already?

"Get iit out!" he said, gritting his pointy teeth. His eyes crackled with red and blue electrical energy.

"HMM," the voice said. "TROLL ETIQUETTE SURE IS CONFUSING."

"GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT," he yelled again.

"OH JEEZ," Deuce said as the console he was next to shook with red and blue energy. The book on troll etiquette flew out of the Exile's hand. There was an explosion.

Dream Sollux had wasted enough time on sleeping and dying. He had got to get back to adventurin' while the adventurin' was good. And also change out of these stupid pajamas. He blasted off from Derse with a loud "**PCH****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O**," multicolored swirls of light following him.

The revived Mage of Doom returned to the Land of Brains and Fire for a surprise rendezvous with the Witch of Life. The Witch looked up with a surprised expression as Sollux appeared before her. She was in the middle of prodding culling one of the brains from the land. In fact, there were a fair amount of brains lying around the Alchemiter. He saw his own dead body below him. What the heck was going on in here?

Somewhere on LOMAT (Land of Maps and Treasure), the Thief and the Page plundered the untold riches of innumerable pointless side-quests. Vriska came upon a treasure chest in the strange rope ladder system beneath her hive and opened it to reveal a whole stash of boonbucks. She picked up a couple of them, eyes gleaming. Tavros put his hands on his face in shock, dropping his jaw. That was a lot of cash right there.

The Thief was proving useless. Completely unresponsive to commands. The 8th exile watching her on the screen needed to rely on someone else. Someone less stubborn. Someone craftier. The 8th exile typed "⇒ SWITCH 2" and the screen with Vriska and the Page shut off. Another image popped on. It was the Seer.

While the Knight of Blood charged ahead through the gates, the Seer of Mind remained behind to unravel the mysteries of the Land of Thought and Flow.

"Seer," came a voice. "It is time." Terezi had been wondering when she'd come back. This time she was ready for her.

She searched for the card containing her chalk through her scratch and sniff modus. The card would be unmistakable. It was the one that smelled like a fruity rainbow that made her sneeze. She found it and took out a piece of red chalk. **T1M3 FOR WH4T?** she inquired of the exile, writing it on a red stone.

"To begin your mission," the voice answered.

**WH4T M1SS1ON :?** she wrote.

"You must eliminate the archagent," it said. Terezi raised her eyebrows in surprise.

The narrative shifted to Nepeta, who was surely adventurin' by now. As a matter of fact, it did appear that the Rogue of Heart had been keeping herself busy. She stood in the Land of Little Cubes and Tea, claws outstretched towards a nearby two-headed ogre. The ogre had crab pincers, large purple wings, and two heads, one of which was frog-like. They shared two giant horns that extended to either side and then pointed upwards, like a bull's.

Nepeta tore the ogre's heads off, claws tearing through their flesh as if it had been made of cotton. She collected the dropped grist and turned to see Equius standing behind her.

"Saccharine disposition! :33" She said with a grin, nodding towards the ground, which was made of sugar cubes. She then leaped onto him with a pouncegreet and a tackleslide, sending cubes flying everywhere. When they had stopped, Nepeta climbed off of her moirail and inquired into the whereabouts of the Maid of Time. The Heir of Void had no idea where she'd gone! She'd just disappeared, he said.

Equius stood to begin his adventurin' with Nepeta and saw a giant tentacled mother grub crab creature stalking along far away. The ground shook slightly beneath them even though they had to be a good ten miles away or so. Yeah. The underlings had been getting enormous lately. Probably due to something one of those other clowns had prototyped.

Oh, and speaking of clowns, one was trolling him now. Karkat. Actually, the message did not appear to be directed at him specifically. The ever-grumpy Vantas had just updated one of the many memos on the transtimeline bulletin board he'd set up a while ago. Equius had since no longer bothered keeping up with the endless and mostly incomprehensible communique. But while checking the update, he couldn't help but skim through the first memo in the long sequence, which had been written hours ago from his present perspective.

**PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG]** **6:12 HOURS AGO opened public transtimeline bulletin board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. **

**PCG** **6:12 HOURS AGO opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. **

**PCG: OK I THINK I SET THIS UP RIGHT.**

**PCG: FUCK I SHOULD HAVE COME UP WITH A BETTER BOARD NAME.**

**PCG: BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE NAME IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SINCE THAT'S THE NAME THAT**

**PCG: UH**

**PCG: I ALREADY READ.**

**PCG: WOW THAT PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ANYBODY.**

**PCG: WHATEVER, IT'S JUST A STUPID NAME, LET'S JUST DO THIS.**

**PCG: THIS IS A PUBLIC BULLETIN USING TROLLIAN'S WEIRD TRANSTIMELINE FEATURES WHICH I DON'T EVEN REALLY UNDERSTAND YET.**

**PCG: BUT I'M GUESSING MIGHT BE USEFUL.**

**PCG: I'VE INCLUDED ALL TWELVE PLAYERS IN THE SUBSCRIPTION LIST SO YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO READ THESE MEMOS AT ANY TIME.**

**PCG: THAT IS, ALL THE MEMOS POSTED, PAST AND FUTURE. I THINK.**

**PCG: IT COULD GET PRETTY TEMPORALLY CONFUSING OBVIOUSLY. I'M GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THE MEMOS AS SIMPLE AND LINEAR AS POSSIBLE.**

**PCG: ALSO LET'S KEEP THIS A ONE-WAY-ONLY BULLETIN TO MAKE THIS AS SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE.**

**PCG: DO NOT REPLY TO MY MEMOS! THIS IS NOT A FUCKING CHATROOM, ASSHOLES.**

**PCG: IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME IN RESPONSE TO A MEMO, MESSAGE ME IN PRIVATE AT THE APPROPRIATE POINT ON THE TIMELINE.**

**PCG: FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS ABOUT THE TEAMS.**

**PCG: AS OF NOW, YOU SHOULD ALL BE AWARE THAT THERE IS REALLY ONLY ONE TEAM, AND WE ARE ALL WORKING TOGETHER.**

**PCG: AND BY "NOW" I MEAN TIME LOCAL TO ME AS OF WRITING THIS.**

**PCG: SO IF YOU'RE READING THIS IN THE PAST...**

**PCG: UH OK FIRST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS FEATURE ALREADY? SECOND WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME.**

**PCG: WHATEVER I DIGRESS.**

**PCG: IF YOU'RE READING THIS IN THE FUTURE THEN WHO CARES, IT'S PROBABLY OLD NEWS TO YOU.**

**PCG: ACTUALLY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT READING THIS IN THE FUTURE?**

**PCG: IT'S LIKE ANY BULLETIN BOARD, YOU POST STUFF AND IT SITS THERE FOR A WHILE AND PEOPLE IN "THE FUTURE" READ IT.**

**PCG: HUH. BIG FUCKING DEAL I GUESS.**

**PAST gallowsCalibrator [PGC]** **5:51 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PGC: OH MY GOD K4RK4T!**

**PGC: WHO C4R3S! :O**

**PCG** **banned ****PGC** **from responding to memo. **

**PCG: ANYWAY LIKE I WAS SAYING.**

**PCG: ONE BIG TEAM, OVER WHICH I HAVE ASSUMED TOTAL LEADERSHIP.**

**PCG: I WILL ASSUME THAT IT WILL CONTINUE TO STAY THIS WAY FOR THE DURATION OF OUR QUEST, AND THAT I WILL REMAIN AN IMPECCABLE LEADER FOR A SPAN OF HUNDREDS OF HOURS WHILE I GUIDE US ALL TO A STUNNING VICTORY.**

**PCG: IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN NEED TO ASSUME.**

**PCG: I BROWSED THROUGH THIS WHOLE BULLETIN IN ADVANCE, AND IT DOES APPEAR TO BE THE CASE. GO ME.**

**PCG: IN FACT, SINCE I'VE SEEN WHAT I WILL WRITE IN THE FUTURE, I WONDER WHAT IMPETUS I WILL HAVE FOR WRITING IT LATER WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO?**

**PCG: I WONDER IF I COULD JUST COPY/PASTE IT... HOLD ON.**

**PCG: DAMN.**

**PCG: I GUESS THEY THOUGHT OF THAT? I DUNNO. I TRIED TO LOOK AT THE WHOLE BULLETIN AGAIN, BUT NOW THAT I'VE OPENED THIS ONE FROM THE BEGINNING, I CAN'T SEE THE WHOLE THING ANYMORE.**

**PCG: UNLESS I LOOK AT IT ON ONE OF YOUR COMPUTERS...**

**PCG: OR MAYBE IF YOU SEND ME LIKE A TEXT FILE OF IT? WOULD THAT CAUSE A PARADOX OR SOMETHING?**

**PCG: YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS SO STUPID.**

**PCG: I ACTUALLY REMEMBER READING ALL THIS SHIT LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO, AND NOW HERE I AM TYPING IT ANYWAY.**

**PCG: I PROBABLY CAN'T AVOID TYPING ANY OF THIS, HOW WEIRD IS THAT.**

**PCG: I HATE TIME TRAVEL.**

**PAST twinArmageddons [PTA]** **0:34 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PTA: eheheheheh KK iim ba2iically ju2t lmao here at thii2, WOW.**

**PCG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARE YOU PEOPLE RETARDED.**

**PTA: dude don't worry ii wont fuck up your memo for long, ii ju2t cant beliieve thii2 wa2 the biig rea2on you wanted "future me" two help you open tho2e port2.**

**PTA: two ba2iically ju2t babble about paradoxe2 and argue wiith your2elf for hundred2 of page2 heheheh.**

**PCG: OK SO YOU'RE SAYING THIS FROM LIKE 5 HOURS IN THE FUTURE JUST TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME, NICE.**

**PCG: WELL THANKS FOR THE HELP, SO WHEN DO I BAN YOU, FUTURE BOY?**

**PTA: a few liine2 down, after ii pretend liike iim goiing two diie.**

**PTA: iim 2ure for a laugh on account of my iimmiinent banniing, FUCK how could you even do that two me.**

**PTA: 2o cold man.**

**PCG: ARE YOU REALLY STILL SORE AT ME FIVE HOURS LATER FOR RUNNING THAT VIRUS, GOD DAMN GET OVER IT.**

**PCG: IT WAS YOUR FUCKING VIRUS ANYWAY, YOU'RE TO BLAME.**

**PTA: eheh no bro we're cool about that, now future you ii2 connectiing wiith me 2o ii can enter the game.**

**PCG: OH YEAH?**

**PTA: yeah 2o thank2 for that fiive hour2 iin advance.**

**PCG: THIS IS BS ISN'T IT.**

**PCG: TROLLING ME FROM THE FUTURE, HOW JUVENILE CAN YOU GET.**

**PTA: no man iit2 true, we are bulge bumpiing pupa pal2 agaiin.**

**PCG: OH FUCK THIS CONDESCENDING FUTURE KNOWITALL ACT, WE AREN'T BUMPING SHIT, YOU ARE SO BANNED.**

**PTA: nooooooo, not the ban, it buuuuuuurn2, oh god hahahaha.**

**PTA: waiit.**

**PTA: oh god.**

**PTA: iit doe2 burn.**

**PTA: 2omethiing'2 wrong, iim 2eriiou2!**

**PTA: that horriible p2ychiic noii2e**

**PTA: the voiice2**

**PTA: they're all goiing two diie**

**PTA: oh 2HiiT iim bleediing**

**PTA: 2hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit**

**PTA: thii2 ii2 bad**

**PTA: ii have two get her iin quiick**

**PTA: got two go**

**PCG** **banned ****PTA** **from responding to memo. **

**PCG: AND SO THE PORCINE HOOF BELONGING TO THE SWOLLEN HAG KNOWN AS LADY DESTINY HAS STOMPED ANOTHER THROAT.**

**PCG: WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS IS NEXT?**

**PCG: NOBODY?**

**PCG: OK, GOOD.**

**PCG: ALTHOUGH I'M FAIRLY SURE I REMEMBER SOMEONE ELSE CHIMING IN BEFORE I CLOSED THIS MEMO.**

**PCG: YOU ADD DISORDERED SHIT RINSERS CAN'T KEEP YOUR LASCIVIOUS PRONGS OUT OF THE ROE HOLE, CAN YOU.**

**PCG: SOLLUX, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, OR PAST REFERENCE OR WHATEVER**

**PCG: IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT KIND OF ROLEPLAYING, YOU CAN START YOUR OWN BULLETIN.**

**PCG: YOU CAN ALL ACT LIKE BRAINDEAD ASSWIPES IN YOUR OWN FESTERING FLAP OF PARADOX SPACE, FINE WITH ME.**

**PCG: EVERYONE WILL BE SO CONFUSED BY THE TIME PARADOXES, IT WILL DISTRACT THEM FROM HOW AWFUL THEIR TERRIBLE HOBBIES ARE.**

**PCG: CHOOSE YOUR CLASSES NOW! LEVEL 69 NOOKSNIFFER IS UP FOR GRABS, WHO WANTS IT.**

**PCG: NO THAT'S NOT AN INVITATION FOR YOU FUCKING NERDS TO COME IN HERE AND CORRECT ME ON YOUR GODDAMN FAIRY ELVES.**

**PCG: JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND KEEP ME BANNED FROM THAT ONE OK.**

**PCG: I'LL RETURN THE FAVOR IF YOU NERD UP MY MEMOS, I SERIOUSLY CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY FUCKING NERDS ARE ON THIS TEAM.**

**PCG: JUST REMEMBER THIS IS MY PERSONAL PODIUM, A STUMP IF YOU WILL, FOR SOLE USE BY ME AS LEADER FOR IMPORTANT LEADERSHIP BUSINESS.**

**PCG: GOT IT?**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **612 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: GROAN.**

**FCG: THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.**

**FCG: WHAT WAS I EVEN THINKING.**

**PCG: STFU!**

**PCG** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**PCG: OK, I'M FED UP WITH THIS MEMO, GONNA CLOSE IT OUT.**

**PCG: YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN LATER WHEN I GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY, I.E. JUST SCROLL DOWN YOU DOUCHE.**

**PCG: IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE ALREADY.**

**PCG: BECAUSE OF**

**PCG: TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEL!**

**PCG: I KNOW, RIGHT?**

**PCG: ANYWAY, JUST TO REITERATE:**

**PCG: FULL STEAM AHEAD**

**PCG: LEADER = ME FOREVER, OBVIOUSLY**

**PCG: PEACE THE FUCK OUT DBAGS**

**CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CCT: D - I'd like to add to this useless memorandum**

**CCT: D - That I still don't recognize the validity of your leadership**

**PCG: SWEET MOTHER GRUB'S OOZING VESTIGIAL THIRD ORAL SPHINCTER.**

**PCG: HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE SO STUPID.**

**CCT: D - It may be true that we are all playing in the same session, but I see no reason to disband the former power structure**

**CCT: D - Especially if it means instituting a tactical midget with a short fuse, a foul mouth, and paralyzing insecurity over the color of his b100d**

**CCT: D - That's all I have to say**

**PCG: OH I HAVE A SHORT FUSE! THAT'S VERY FUNNY, YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR ME LAUGH OVER THE SOUND OF THE ROBOT YOU ARE PROBABLY BEATING TO DEATH.**

**PCG: OR DOING WORSE TO.**

**PCG: HEY, YOU DO KISS YOUR ROBOTS, RIGHT?**

**CCT: D - Uh**

**PCG: MIGHT AS WELL CLEAR THE AIR AS LONG AS WE'RE BROADCASTING THIS ACROSS THE ENTIRE SPACETIME CONTINUUM.**

**CCT: D - Not usually**

**PCG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**PCG: THE FUNNY THING IS IN THE FUTURE EVERYONE WILL RECOGNIZE ME AS THE UNDISPUTED LEADER, EVEN YOU.**

**PCG: YOU WILL BE STANDING ON THE TIPPYTOES OF YOUR IDIOTIC METAL SHOES, TAKING DELICATE PURCHASE OF MY NUBBY HORNS AND HOISTING YOURSELF OVER MY HEAD TO PUT YOUR SWEATIEST TOUGH GUY SMOOCH UPON MY TWITCHING SPINE LUMP.**

**PCG: IT WILL BE TENDER AND DEFERENTIAL, LIKE A PAUPER KISSING A NOBLE'S RING.**

**PCG: JUST SCROLL DOWN, READ THE LOGS.**

**CCT: D - Nowhere have I seen evidence of this**

**CCT: D - Most of this is you from various points in time raving about nonsense and arguing with yourself**

**CCT: D - Do you realize that here in the future, this bulletin has come to be regarded as something of a joke**

**CCT: D - A lengthy piece of comedy, often quoted amongst ourselves in private moments of levity**

**CCT: D - It seems I'm the one to inform you of this up front**

**CCT: D - Which is likely why you persist with the ingratiating charade against better judgement**

**PCG: YOU'RE GETTING OFF ON THIS AREN'T YOU**

**CCT: D - What do you mean**

**PCG: THIS EXCITES YOU, BEING THE TOUGH GUY AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU'RE PUTTING THE AWESOME LEADER IN HIS PLACE.**

**PCG: YOU'RE PROBABLY WORKING UP A GOOD SWEAT.**

**PCG: HOPE YOU ALCHEMIZED A BUNCH OF SPARE TOWELS.**

**PCG: HEY WHY DON'T YOU && THEM WITH YOUR SPONGEY BRAIN FOR EXTRA ABSORBENCY.**

**CCT: D - How do you know about my perspiration problem**

**CCT: D - I mean, aside from reading about it in this memo**

**CCT: D - Wait**

**CCT: D - Fudgesicles**

**PCG** **banned ****CCT** **from responding to memo. **

**PCG** **closed memo. **


	68. Book 5 Chapter 5: Memos and Exiles

Chapter 5: Memos and Exiles

Terezi had conversed with the 8th exile for a good while now. The last thing she'd written had been in light blue.

"Why are you writing in blue," the voice had said.

**B3C4US3 1 DONT W4NT TO RUN OUT OF R3D :[**

"Why?"

**B3C4US3! R3D 1S TH3 B3ST 4ND T4ST3S TH3 B3ST!**

**3**

"You are a strange and funny girl," the voice had said. Terezi held the piece of red chalk reverently.

Karkat sat in a temple with diagrams of turtles on the walls. A turtle puzzle lay behind him, the pieces scattered. Jack Noir stood behind him, holding a torch that blazed with a bright blue fire. The grumpy troll typed away in a memo he'd just created.

**CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]** **RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. **

**CCG: THIS IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO START A NEW MEMO.**

**CCG: IN FACT IT'S A BETTER TIME THAN ANY BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF CHAT CLIENT PREDESTINATION I DON'T REALLY HAVE A CHOICE DO I.**

**CCG: FUCK.**

**CCG: IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT'S STILL A GOOD TIME TO DO IT.**

**CCG: PEOPLE, WE NEED TO GET ORGANIZED HERE.**

**CCG: SHIT IS GETTING SERIOUS.**

**CCG: WE ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON OPERATION REGISURP, A CUNNING PLAN DEVISED BY DOUBLE ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR TO EXILE THE BLACK QUEEN.**

**CCG: WE WILL NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR THIS, EVEN THE IDIOTS.**

**CCG: AND ONCE AGAIN, A REMINDER**

**CCG: DO NOT TROLL ME IN THESE MEMOS FROM ANY POINT IN TIME OR IT'S AN INSTA-BAN.**

**CCG: ALSO A NOTE TO MY FUTURE SELF**

**CCG: IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SAY SOMETHING SMUG, DO ME A FAVOR AND SHOVE A THROB STALK IN IT.**

**CCG: JUST SIT THERE PATIENTLY AND WAIT FOR ME TO BECOME YOU IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME, THUS IMPROVING YOUR INTELLECT DRASTICALLY.**

**CCG: OR, INTELLECTS PLURAL.**

**CCG: I FORGOT, THERE ARE A LOT OF YOU FUCKERS OUT THERE.**

**CCG: ALL OF YOU, JUST ZIP YOUR CHUTES. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, LIKE THERE'S NOTHING BETTER TO DO IN THE FUTURE?**

**CCG: IT'S THE FUTURE FOR GOD'S SAKE, A REALM OF ENDLESS FUCKING POSSIBILITIES.**

**CCG: NOW**

**CCG: BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET'S TAKE A TOLL OF THE SITUATION AT THIS POINT IN TIME.**

**CCG: *MY* POINT IN TIME.**

**CCG: WHO'S IN SO FAR, WHO'S NOT, ETCETERA.**

**FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA]** **3:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCA: hey sorry for bustin in on the memo but i cant get ahold of you youre not answwerin**

**CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.**

**FCA: gams advvice is fuckin useless all he told me wwas to enjoy a bevverage**

**CCG: NO, DUDE, DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT. IF IT WERE UP TO HIM WE WOULD ALL DRINK FAYGO AT ONCE IN SOME RITUALISTIC RAP CLOWN SUICIDE PACT.**

**CCG: BUT INSTEAD OF COMMITTING SUICIDE THE THING THAT WE ALL ACCOMPLISH IS BECOMING INSTANTANEOUS ASSHOLES WITH AWFUL TASTE.**

**FCA: i mean**

**FCA: its not evven that bad**

**FCA: its just soda but wwhatevver this isnt the point**

**CCG: THIS ISN'T THE VENUE FOR AIRING YOUR FUTURE PROBLEMS, COUNT SEA DIPSHIT.**

**FCA: i knoww i knoww**

**FCA: its just**

**FCA: i got a problem**

**FCA: wwith feferi**

**FCA: and im really kinda sittin here in bad shape about it emotionally speakin**

**CCG: OK, WELL**

**CCG: I GET THAT, I HEAR YOU BRO**

**CCG: BUT THIS IS STILL NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS SO I'VE GOT TO BAN YOU.**

**CCG** **banned ****FCA** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: BUT SERIOUSLY JUST GET IN TOUCH WITH ME IN PRIVATE ABOUT IT, OK MAN?**

**CCG: WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT.**

**CCG: OK.**

**CCG: IS EVERYBODY GOOD?**

**CCG: JUST GONNA SIT HERE FOR A MINUTE, LOCAL TIME, AND SEE IF ANYONE ELSE HAS ANY SHIT THEY WANT TO SCRAPE OFF THEIR BULGE ON TO MY CLEAN NUTRITION PLATEAU.**

**CCG: NOBODY?**

**CCG: GREAT, WONDERFUL.**

**CCG: I NOW OFFICIALLY DECLARE THE NONSENSE PORTION OF THIS MEMO TO BE OVER.**

**CCG: THIS DECREE SHALL BE BINDING AND LASTING.**

**CCG: BACK TO PLANNING REGISURP.**

**CCG: BEAR DOWN EVERYBODY, THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT, THERE IS A QUEEN ON THE LOOSE AND WE'VE GOT TO SHOW A BITCH THE DOOR.**

**FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG]** **609 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FAG: ::::D**

**CCG: UN BE FUCKING LIEVABLE.**

**FAG: Kaaaaaaaarkat!**

**FAG: I'm sorry!**

**FAG: 8ut do you have any idea how funny this thing is? I mean this whole thing? I can't stop laughing!**

**CCG: HEY CAN FUTURE YOU MIND-PREVENT ME FROM HITTING THE BAN BUTTON?**

**CCG: I'M GENUINELY CURIOUS! GO AHEAD, TRY TO STOP ME I DARE YOU.**

**FAG: I'm not going to try, I'm just here to say this whole thing is ridiculous.**

**FAG: We didn't really need you to pretend to 8e a little angry general to get any of this done.**

**FAG: We kicked the queen out of there no sweat! It was easy. In fact, I did most of the work myself, right 8efore I found all the treasure and scaled all the rungs.**

**CCG: OH, ALL OF THEM YOU SAY?**

**CCG: FASCINATING.**

**CCG: HEY FORGET THE BAN BUTTON, USE YOUR MIND POWERS TO HELP ME LOCATE THE DESPERATELY ATTEMPT TO GIVE A SHIT BUTTON. WHOOPS WE BOTH FAILED, IT DOESN'T EXIST.**

**FAG: Hey, I'm gone. I just think you should relax.**

**FAG: You were wound up so tight through the whole adventure, and now here in the present you're a8out to explode. It's insuffera8le!**

**CCG: EVERYBODY, DID YOU HEAR THAT? SUPERFUTURE VRISKA HAS AN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON FOR US ALL.**

**CCG: WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OUR PRESENT RESPONSIBILIES AND OBLIGATIONS!**

**CCG: BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, IN THE FUTURE ALL THAT STUFF ALREADY HAPPENED. WE'RE OFF THE FUCKING HOOK!**

**CCG: TIME TO RELAX. LET'S ALL CRAWL INTO OUR COCOONS AND GET BUSY STIMULATING OUR AUTOEROGENOUS SHAME GLOBES.**

**CCG: FIRST ONE TO START A WANK FIRE GETS A SHINY BOONDOLLAR.**

**CCG: THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR LEADER.**

**FAG: Hahahahahahahaha.**

**CCG** **banned ****FAG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: LATER, FAG.**

**CCG: TOO BAD THE ACRONYM WASN'T "HAG" INSTEAD, IT WOULD HAVE SUITED YOU MUCH BETTER.**

**CCG: INSTEAD OF THAT NONSENSE WORD**

**CCG: MAYBE ITS ASSOCIATION WITH YOU WILL COLLOQUIALLY CAUSE IT TO TAKE ON A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION, WHAT DO YOU THINK?**

**CCG: MAYBE FAG WILL BE "THE NEW BURN!" EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY MEANS NOTHING IN OUR LANGUAGE.**

**CCG: I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS STUPID, FORGET IT**

**CCG: OK I'M RAMBLING HERE, I'M AWARE OF THAT.**

**CCG: FUTURE ME, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE WEIGH IN ON THIS, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.**

**CCG: IF I WERE FUTURE ME, WHICH I GUESS I AM, I WOULD READ THIS AND BE ALL OVER IT, LIKE DAMMIT KARKAT WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.**

**CCG: GET TO THE POINT.**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **0:20 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: YEAH PRETTY MUCH.**

**CCG** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: SO I'M SAYING IT TO MYSELF ALREADY HERE AND NOW, SO I WON'T HAVE TO LATER, GOT IT YOU TRENCHANT BACKBITING PRICKS?**

**CCG: DAMN, I'M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT.**

**CCG: MAYBE I'LL PICK IT UP AGAIN IN A FRESH MEMO LATER.**

**CCG: I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S RIGHT THOUGH, BECAUSE I VAGUELY REMEMBER THIS ONE BEING LONGER THAN THIS.**

**PAST adiosToreador [PAT]** **0:38 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PAT: hEYY,**

**CCG: OH SON OF A BITCH.**

**PAT: i THOUGHT,**

**PAT: sINCE IT LOOKS LIKE, yOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE OUT OF IMPORTANT MEMO STUFF TO SAY,**

**PAT: uHH,**

**PAT: mAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME, hERE,**

**PAT: sINCE i DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE NOW, bUT MAYBE HELP ME,**

**PAT: aBOUT A THING THAT HAS TO DO WITH A GIRL,**

**PAT: lIKE,**

**PAT: a ROMANCE THING, yOU MIGHT KNOW ABOUT,**

**CCG: YOU PEOPLE ARE IMBECILES.**

**CCG: ALL OF YOU.**

**CCG: I AM NOT POSTING THESE MEMOS TO COUNSEL YOU ON YOUR PAST AND FUTURE DATING PROBLEMS!**

**CCG: WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH BASKET CASES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE.**

**PAT: sORRY,**

**CCG: SHOULD I BAN YOU? WHAT'S EVEN THE POINT ANYMORE! ONE OF YOU STOOGES WILL BE RIGHT ON THE LAST ONES HEELS WITH ANOTHER SOB STORY.**

**CCG: JUST**

**CCG: HURRY UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS BRO.**

**PAT: oKAY,**

**PAT: i'M SORT OF, lYING ON vRISKA'S FLOOR RIGHT NOW,**

**PAT: lIKE, iN HER BLOCK,**

**PAT: lYING DOWN,**

**PAT: uHH, yOU KNOW, bECAUSE i CAN'T WALK,**

**CCG: OH NO SHIT REALLY?**

**CCG: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.**

**PAT: uH, yEAH, aNYWAY,**

**PAT: sHE TRIED TO KISS ME,**

**PAT: wELL, sHE DIDN'T TRY, sHE ACTUALLY DID,**

**PAT: aND THEN, kIND OF DROPPED ME,**

**PAT: aND ALSO WE ARE WEARING COSTUMES,**

**PAT: wOW, i'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS WELL,**

**CCG: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP, WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO.**

**PAT: aND NOW, tO MAKE IT,**

**PAT: uHHHHH,**

**PAT: a LOT WEIRDER,**

**PAT: tHERE IS AN ANGRY VOICE IN MY HEAD,**

**PAT: i DONT THINK IT'S rUFIO THIS TIME,**

**PAT: rUFIO'S NOT THAT ANGRY,**

**PAT: hE'S ALSO IMAGINARY,**

**PAT: lIKE, a FAKE MADE UP FRIEND,**

**PAT: yOU KNOW, lIKE,**

**PAT: tHE WAY FAIRIES ARE, }:(**

**CCG: GOD, ACTUALLY I REMEMBER READING THIS BULLSHIT.**

**CCG: OR SKIMMING IT AT LEAST.**

**CCG: HOW COULD I FORGET?**

**CCG: MORE LOONEYBLOCK THEATER, AND HERE I AM DRAWING THE CURTAINS FOR YOU GUYS LIKE A DOPE.**

**PAT: aNYWAY, i THINK VRISKA IS UPSET ABOUT IT, aND SHE'S NOT TALKING OR ANYTHING,**

**PAT: wHAT DO i DO,**

**CCG: OK WELL, I CAN ADVISE YOU AND STUFF**

**CCG: BUT YOU DO REALIZE THIS IS A PUBLIC BULLETIN.**

**CCG: WE SHOULD BE HAVING THIS CHAT IN PRIVATE.**

**CCG: EVERYONE CAN READ THIS, EVEN HER.**

**CCG: I MEAN FUCK, SHE WAS *JUST HERE* TALKING YOU DUMMY!**

**PAT: i KNOW, i READ THAT,**

**PAT: bUT,**

**PAT: tHAT'S FUTURE HER, wHICH,**

**PAT: dOESN'T SEEM SO BAD,**

**PAT: mAYBE FUTURE HER CAN READ THIS, aND,**

**PAT: i GUESS,**

**PAT: kNOW i'M SORRY ABOUT IT,**

**PAT: i DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HER FEELINGS,**

**CCG: WELL, FINE, IF YOU WANT TO BROADCAST A TRANSTIMELINE APOLOGY THEN FINE.**

**CCG: BUT YOU SHOULD REALIZE THE FUTURE IS KIND OF A WIDE OPEN THING, I MEAN SHE COULD READ THIS LIKE TWO MINUTES IN THE FUTURE AS WELL AS 600 HOURS.**

**CCG: AT THAT POINT YOU WOULD ESSENTIALLY BE TALKING TO PRESENT HER, COMPLETELY DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF YOUR SPINELESS MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE APOLOGY.**

**PAT: oH,**

**PAT: yEAH,**

**PAT: i DIDN'T, rEALLY THINK OF THAT,**

**PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG]** **0:08 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PAG: Hi.**

**CCG: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.**

**PAG: Karkat, shut up! This does not concern you.**

**CCG: OK WHATEVER. MY MEMO, BUT WHATEVER.**

**PAT: uH, wOW,**

**PAT: hI,**

**PAG: Tavros, it's ok. Really.**

**PAG: So you don't feel that way a8out me! That's fine. I shouldn't have expected any different.**

**PAG: I can deal with it! I am not a wimp like you. I roll with 8ad 8r8ks all the time. No 8iggie.**

**PAG: In fact, I already have dealt with it. I was over here dealing with it while you were over there on the floor fooling around with your computer after a cute girl tried to kiss you for some reason.**

**PAG: As it turned out, fooling around with your computer to...**

**PAG: Go cry on future Karkat's shoulder a8out this?**

**PAT: uM,**

**PAT: yEAH,**

**PAG: Hahahaha. You are a str8nge and funny 8oy, Tavros.**

**CCG: OH GOD**

**CCG: THIS IS**

**CCG: COMPLETELY HILARIOUS.**

**CCG: NOW I SEE WHY EVERYONE HAS BEEN RIPPING ON MY MEMOS.**

**PAG: Karkat I said shut the fuck up!**

**PAG: Anyway, though totally unnecessary, your apology is accepted.**

**PAT: oKAY,**

**PAG: Now pick yourself up off the floor so we can go wring some fucking treasure out of this misera8le magic rock!**

**PAT: yEAH, i'LL TRY,**

**PAG: Actually, never mind, I'll 8e over there to help you with that too, kind of like I do with everything.**

**PAG: Just lie still and try not to start crying or anything, and w8 a few minutes for your timeframe to catch up with mine.**

**PAT: uH,**

**PAT: wHAT,**

**PAG: Exactly! I aaaaaaaam smarter than you. You see? You're learning!**

**CCG: FUCK, ENOUGH ALREADY.**

**CCG: THERE, GREAT, ANOTHER HAPPY COUPLE**

**CCG: IN WHATEVER HIDEOUS QUADRANT THIS BATSHIT PAIRING WILL SUSTAIN.**

**CCG: NOW OFF YOU GO.**

**CCG** **banned ****PAT** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****PAG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: HOLY HELL.**

**CCG: THIS IS EXHAUSTING.**

**CCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE.**

**CCG: OK, MAYBE I'LL TAKE A MINUTE TO COLLECT MY THOUGHTS AND GET BACK ON TOPIC HERE.**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **609 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: NO YOU WON'T.**

**FCG: THIS ONE WAS PARTICULARLY NAUSEATING IN RETROSPECT, I'M SHUTTING THIS DOWN.**

**FCG** **banned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**FCG** **closed memo. **

"HEY RUNT," said a voice in Tavros's head. "GET UP RUNT," it continued. "GET UP ON THOSE GODDAM JELLY LEGS OF YERS. GO KISS THE GIRL." Tavros ignored the voice and conversed with future Karkat and Vriska on one of the memos. "I SAID GET YER ASS UP AND GO KISS THE GIRL YOU PIPSQUEAK. YER MAKING ME MAD RUNT. KISS THAT GIRL. ILL RIP YER HORNS OFF AND PUT EM THROUGH YER EYES. ILL POP YER LITTLE HEAD LIKE A GRAPE. YER A WIMP YOU KNOW THAT. MAKE ME SICK. KISS HER. KISS HER YOU WIMP. GET UP AND KISS THE GIRL."

Tavros was having trouble bringing himself to get up and kiss the girl.

"YOU KISS THAT GIRL THIS INSTANT" Hearts Boxcars typed into the console, fuming. He mashed the "=" key four times and then the "⇒" key. He did it again and again and again.

Tavros could not do it. He could not kiss the girl.

"Thief," the 8th exile said to Vriska. "You will need to be strong." And in time, prone to distraction and obstinacy she would. But not alone. The 8th exile took her cigarette out of her mouth. Her gleaming eyes shone beneath her wide-brimmed hat on her black carapace as if in annoyance or anger, or perhaps even evil. But evil was relative. And she was helping the trolls.

To bring every circle closed, the girl's partner and rival would have to be guided in tandem. The Thief and the Seer were to serve as twin lashes of the scourge cracked by a quasiroyal against her own former kingdom to settle a score. To make him pay. Scourge's black inches would rip red miles through Derse, and the bright rivers gushing from its wounds would wash her mutineers down the drains of exile. In time they would have to answer for their treason. Patience would be necessary. But then, she'd recently come into all the time in the universe.

Snowman continued to brief Terezi on the plan.

"Find the ring before he does," she typed.

**WH3R3 1S 1T?**

"Retrieve the ring from the royal vault. And then, destroy it."

Snowman turned towards the entrance. Upon climbing out the pipe, she would have found herself climbing out of the eye of a long dead mother grub's skull. Outside sat the ruins of a frog temple, crawling with giant centipedes as large as the frog on the top of the ruins.

Centuries before, and yet, right now in terms of the story, the Sylph of Space had been able to vacate the impact site with several features of her buried landscape in tow. She sat atop her session's dominant forge. The Sylph, also known as Kanaya, sat atop a tall green volcano and responded to one of the memos.


	69. Book 5 Chapter 6: A Conversation w FCG

Hello people,

Sorry I haven't updated in forever. I was preoccupied with other stuff. :/

Alright, here are the next few chapters of Book 5:

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 6: A Conversation with Future Karkat

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **599 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. **

**FCG: FINE THEN.**

**FCG: SINCE PAST ME JUST BANNED CURRENT ME FROM THE PRECEDING MEMO**

**FCG: AND DOESN'T APPEAR TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY FUTURE WISDOM, AS USUAL**

**FCG: LOOKS LIKE I'LL JUST HAVE TO START ANOTHER MEMO FROM SCRATCH.**

**FCG: HEY PAST ME, GO HAVE A BLAST KILLING THE KING, I'M SURE IT WILL BE AWESOME.**

**FCG: IN FACT, IT WAS AWESOME. BANG UP JOB WITH THAT, DUDE!**

**FCG: TOO BAD IT WAS ALL A HUGE WASTE OF TIME.**

**FCG: OH, WHAT'S THAT, PASTHOLE? YOU DIDN'T READ THIS AND FIGURE THAT OUT AHEAD OF TIME?**

**FCG: OR MAYBE YOU JUST SKIMMED THIS AND IT DIDN'T GET THROUGH YOUR THICK BULGE?**

**FCG: WHAT A SHOCK!**

**FCG: MEMO-WITHIN-MEMO TO PRESENT SELF: PUT FORTH A MORE CONCERTED EFFORT TO IMPRESS UPON EVERYONE IN THE PAST, MYSELF INCLUDED, WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS THEY ALL ARE.**

**FCG: I AM LEARNING A VALUABLE LESSON TODAY!**

**FCG: IT TURNS OUT YOU CAN'T ALTER THE OUTCOME OF DECISIONS MADE BY MORONS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU YELL AT THEM.**

**FCG: ALL YOU CAN REALLY DO IS GIVE THEM A HARD TIME AND TRY TO MAKE THEIR LIVES JUST A LITTLE MORE MISERABLE.**

**FCG: WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT THAN CHANGING DESTINY FOR THE BETTER ANYWAY, FRANKLY.**

**FCG: LOSERS SHOULD BE FORCED TO FACE THE MUSIC, EVEN FOR THE MISTAKES THEY HAVEN'T MADE YET.**

**FCG: THEIR PUNISHMENT IS BEING ALLOWED TO MAKE THE MISTAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE. TALK ABOUT POETIC JUSTICE!**

**FCG: AND THEN GETTING SOUNDLY BERATED BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER THE MISTAKES ARE BEING MADE IS JUST THE MUCUS ON THE GRUBLOAF.**

**FCG: THE SWEET, TANGY MUCUS.**

**FCG: THIS IS DUMB.**

**FCG: WHY DID I EVER THINK THESE MEMOS WERE GOING TO BE A GOOD IDEA.**

**FCG: NOBODY CARES**

**FCG: I MEAN**

**FCG: NOBODY'S EVEN TROLLING ME ANYMORE.**

**FCG: AND I'M LEAVING MYSELF WIDE OPEN TOO, SAYING SOME PRETTY DUMB THINGS HERE.**

**FCG: I GUESS MAYBE I WROTE TOO MANY.**

**FCG: AND FILLED TOO MANY OF THEM WITH LONG ARGUMENTS WITH MYSELF.**

**FCG: NO ONE'S GOING TO READ THROUGH ALL THIS, ALL THE VALUABLE INFORMATION IS JUST GETTING LOST IN THE YELLING.**

**FCG: YOU STUPID STUPID IDIOT.**

**FCG: OH FUCK YOU, WHY'D YOU EVEN START ANOTHER MEMO THEN?**

**FCG: I GUESS**

**FCG: THERE ARE A COUPLE THINGS I WANT TO GET OFF MY CHEST, OK?**

**FCG: OH GOD, NOW I'M ARGUING WITH CURRENT ME.**

**FCG: I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE I WAS DOING IT, THIS IS REALLY FUCKED UP.**

**FCG: I'VE GOT TO PULL IT TOGETHER.**

**FCG: THINK BACK TO WHAT WE MIGHT HAVE DONE WRONG.**

**FCG: BUT THE THING IS**

**FCG: AS MUCH AS OUR PAST SELVES ARE A BUNCH OF STUBBORN UNLISTENING ASSHOLES**

**FCG: I CAN'T EVEN REALLY IDENTIFY ANY MISTAKES WE MADE.**

**FCG: IT WAS ALL PRETTY MUCH LIKE CLOCKWORK.**

**FCG: A 600 HOUR CAMPAIGN TO COMPLETE A GAME LIKE THIS IS PRETTY GOOD IF YOU ASK ME.**

**FCG: AND I HAVE ASKED ME.**

**FCG: IT TURNS OUT ME AGREES.**

**FCG: I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING SOMEONE ELSE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.**

**FCG: IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN OUR SESSION.**

**FCG: SOLLUX HAS THE SAME INTUITION ABOUT IT AS ME, HE THINKS THERE'S SOMETHING FII2HY ABOUT IT.**

**FCG: IT'S REALLY INSUFFERABLE THE WAY HER FISH PUNS HAVE RUBBED OFF ON HIM, IT KIND OF MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.**

**FCG: ANYWAY**

**FCG: HE SAYS HE'S WORKING ON TRACING THE ORIGIN OF THIS DISASTER.**

**FCG: IF I FIND OUT WHO'S RESPONSIBLE**

**FCG: I WILL**

**FCG: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW.**

**FCG: WASTE OF GOOD FRESH RAGE.**

**FCG: I'M A LITTLE TIRED OF ALL THE OLD THINGS I'VE BEEN ANGRY ABOUT.**

**FCG: IT'S GOTTEN SO STALE.**

**FCG: IN A WEIRD WAY I'M SORT OF LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING SOMETHING NEW TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT.**

**FCG: IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR NOW ANYWAY.**

**FCG: SO I'M KEEPING MY PRONGS CROSSED.**

**FCG: IT WILL BE LIKE FUCKING 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE UP IN HERE.**

**FCG: LAST SWEEP'S EVE WAS PROBABLY THE LAST HAPPY MEMORY I HAVE IN FACT.**

**FCG: WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO FOR THE LAST HOLIDAY?**

**FCG: ANYONE?**

**FCG: I REMEMBER MY LUSUS HAD BEEN GONE FOR DAYS AND I WAS STARTING TO GET WORRIED.**

**FCG: BUT THEN HE FINALLY RETURNED, TRIUMPHANT.**

**FCG: HE BROUGHT THE FRESH BEHEMOTH LEAVING INTO OUR HIVE, AND TOGETHER WE DECORATED IT.**

**FCG: AND**

**FCG: I DUNNO**

**FCG: THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY, I'M GETTING A LUMP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER.**

**FCG: I GUESS I'M DONE.**

**FCG: I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW**

**FCG: ON THE STEEL FLOOR OF THIS FRIGID METEOR DRIFTING THROUGH THE BLACK UNCARING VOID OF OUR NULL SESSION.**

**FCG: NULL, KIND OF LIKE THIS MEMO I GUESS.**

**FCG: LATER.**

**CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CGA: I Dont Think We Did Anything Special**

**FCG: WHOA, HEY**

**FCG: WHAT?**

**CGA: Last 12th**

**CGA: We Stayed In**

**CGA: And I Read Stories To Her It Was Nice**

**FCG: OH**

**FCG: THAT'S COOL.**

**FCG: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE RESPONDED TO A MEMO THAT I CAN RECALL.**

**FCG: YOU TOOK IT RIGHT DOWN TO THE WIRE. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CLOSE THIS THING.**

**CGA: Yeah I Know**

**CGA: I Wasnt Sure If I Was Going To**

**CGA: But Then I Noticed A Conversation In Which I Was A Participant**

**CGA: Which As It Turns Out Is The Conversation Taking Place Now**

**CGA: I Scanned It Briefly And Then Perused Other Memos For My Presence**

**CGA: I Found None And Returned To This One**

**CGA: But My Part Of The Conversation Was Gone**

**CGA: I Regarded This As A Prompt To Begin Typing And Record My Contributions Live**

**CGA: That Is How This Works Isnt It**

**FCG: PRETTY MUCH.**

**FCG: FOR A WHILE IT WAS FRUSTRATING.**

**FCG: WHEN I DISCOVERED THE FEATURE I KIND OF BREEZED THROUGH ALL MY FUTURE MEMOS, NOT REALLY READING ALL OF THEM CAREFULLY OR THOROUGHLY.**

**FCG: THEN I LOOKED AT IT AGAIN, AND THE WHOLE BOARD WAS GONE.**

**FCG: BECAUSE IT WAS TIME TO MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO I DID.**

**FCG: AND THEN I KEPT MAKING MEMOS WITH ONLY FOGGY RECOLLECTIONS OF WHAT THEY CONTAINED.**

**FCG: WHILE ALL THESE OTHER CHUMPS FROM DIFFERENT TIMES KEPT GIVING ME SHIT.**

**FCG: INCLUDING MYSELF.**

**FCG: BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD, BECAUSE AS I EVENTUALLY BECAME MY OWN FUTURE SELVES, AND GOT TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDES OF THOSE CONVERSATIONS.**

**FCG: AND COULD DO MY PAST SELVES THE SERVICE OF INFORMING THEM HOW STUPID THEY WERE BEING.**

**FCG: I STOPPED BOTHERING TRYING TO REMEMBER HOW ANY OF THESE MEMOS WENT.**

**FCG: HONESTLY THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN A BLUR TO ME, JUST NON STOP YELLING AT MYSELF, HAGGLING WITH PAST AND FUTURE KNUCKLEHEADS, KILLING MONSTERS AND SOLVING PUZZLES, CYCLING THROUGH ALL THE GATES AND PLANETS LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES, ZIGZAGGING DOWN TO THE BATTLEFIELD, OUT TO THE VEIL, OVER TO PROSPIT, BACK TO DERSE, AND ON AND ON AND ON LIKE THAT UNTIL WE THOUGHT WE WON.**

**FCG: BUT WE DIDN'T WIN. WE LOST.**

**FCG: WE LOST AS HARD AS FAT GUYS FALL.**

**CGA: What Exactly Happened**

**FCG: DID YOU READ THE MEMO JUST BEFORE THIS?**

**CGA: No**

**FCG: GIVE IT A READ, I'M DONE RANTING ABOUT ALL THAT FOR NOW.**

**CGA: Alright**

**CGA: In A Moment**

**FCG: BUT YEAH, THAT'S HOW TROLLIAN'S TIMELINE STUFF WORKS. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.**

**FCG: OR NOT! SINCE APPARENTLY THIS IS YOUR ONLY MEMO REPLY. YOU WERE PRETTY SHREWD IN SIDESTEPPING THIS WHOLE CLUSTERFUCK.**

**CGA: It Seems Like A Logical Way To Engineer A System Wherein One Simultaneously Functions As The Reader And Author Of The Transcripts**

**CGA: Its Temporally Sound Construction**

**FCG: THEN YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS SO.**

**FCG: HELL YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER MAID OF TIME THAN THE ONE WE WERE STUCK WITH.**

**FCG: SHE'S COMPLETELY SHITHIVE MAGGOTS, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.**

**CGA: I Think We Are Given Roles To Challenge Us**

**CGA: That Dont Necessarily Suit Our Strengths**

**CGA: At Least I Was**

**CGA: I Have No Idea What Im Doing Here**

**FCG: SURE YOU DO.**

**FCG: OR, YOU WILL. TRUST ME YOU'LL DO FINE.**

**FCG: SO WHAT PROMPTED YOU TO RESPOND ANYWAY.**

**FCG: I MEAN ASIDE FROM BEING STRONGARMED BY CONVERSATIONAL PREDESTINATION.**

**CGA: Oh**

**CGA: At This Point Im Not Even Sure If Im Inclined To Ask Anymore**

**FCG: YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A CHOICE.**

**FCG: DO YOU REMEMBER IF THIS MEMO WAS MUCH LONGER THAN THIS?**

**CGA: Um**

**CGA: There Is A Good Way To Go I Think Yeah**

**FCG: THEN MIGHT AS WELL SPIT IT OUT.**

**CGA: Its Such A Silly Question**

**FCG: RED OR BLACK?**

**CGA: What**

**FCG: YOUR PROBLEM, DOES IT PERTAIN TO REDROM OR BLACKROM INTERESTS?**

**CGA: Thats Not What This Is About**

**FCG: COME ON. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN USING THESE MEMOS TO SIFT THROUGH THEIR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS FOR WEEKS, I AM A FUCKING VETERAN AT THIS SHIT BY NOW.**

**FCG: SERIOUSLY, I DON'T MIND, IT'LL BE A WELCOME REPRIEVE FROM SHOUTING AT MYSELF.**

**CGA: Im Not Sure What To Say About It**

**FCG: DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST GET A SENSE OF WHAT THIS CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT WHEN YOU SKIMMED IT?**

**CGA: Not Really**

**CGA: If I Were Thinking About It I Probably Wouldnt Have Wanted To Anyway**

**CGA: Dont You Think Its Better To Have Unrehearsed Conversations**

**CGA: Even If The Subject Matter Is Awkward**

**FCG: YES I COMPLETELY AGREE.**

**FCG: IT'S GOOD YOU DIDN'T READ IT. WE CAN AVOID THE SORT OF VERBAL SLAPSTICK ROUTINES I'M SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF BY NOW.**

**FCG: I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING ALL COY AND TELLING ME WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO SAY BEFORE WE SAY IT, AND THEN WE WIND UP FUCKING SAYING IT ANYWAY.**

**FCG: AND THEN WE PROVE TO THE INVISIBLE RIDDLER THAT IS FATHER TIME BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS WE ALL ARE.**

**FCG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OLD THAT GETS AFTER A WHILE?**

**FCG: SO REALLY, TELL ME.**

**FCG: I KNOW IT'S ON YOUR MIND, I GOT A SENSE FOR THESE THINGS.**

**FCG: R OR B?**

**CGA: Ok**

**CGA: Red Then**

**CGA: But I Guess**

**CGA: Not Really Red Enough**

**FCG: HAHA, WELL ISN'T THAT ALWAYS THE CASE?**

**FCG: STORY AS OLD AS TIME.**

**FCG: EVEN IN PLACES WHERE STRICTLY SPEAKING TIME DIDN'T EXIST UNTIL RECENTLY.**

**FCG: WHO'S THE TARGET OF THESE FLUSHED LEANINGS?**

**FCG: IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING.**

**CGA: Its Not The Asking I Mind**

**CGA: Its The Telling**

**CGA: In A Public Forum**

**FCG: I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S READING.**

**FCG: DID YOU NOTICE ANYONE ELSE JOIN IN LATER?**

**CGA: No**

**CGA: It Appeared To Be Just The Two Of Us**

**FCG: SEE**

**FCG: NOBODY CARES ENOUGH TO BOTHER.**

**CGA: I Dont Know Whether Thats Reassuring**

**CGA: Or Just A Bit Disheartening**

**FCG: WELL I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.**

**FCG: THEIR DISINTEREST IS MORE A REFLECTION ON ME THAN YOU.**

**CGA: Disinterest Is The Operative Concept Here**

**CGA: Shes Not Even Responding To My Messages Anymore**

**CGA: Could Be Busy**

**CGA: But Im Rapidly Approaching A Resolution To Discard The Preposterous Infatuation**

**FCG: SHE? WELL I GUESS THAT NARROWS IT DOWN SOMEWHAT.**

**CGA: Shit**

**FCG: IF I THINK BACK ON EVENTS KNOWING THIS I COULD PROBABLY PIECE IT TOGETHER...**

**CGA: How About**

**CGA: If I Agree To Consult With You About It In Private**

**CGA: We Can Drop It Here**

**CGA: Before You Crack Me Like A Vault**

**CGA: With Your Weird Romance Sleuthing Acumen**

**FCG: ALRIGHT, DEAL.**

**CGA: It Still Puzzles Me That You Are So Versed In The Topic**

**CGA: Do You Have Access To A Manual Archived On A Remote Server Somewhere**

**FCG: WHAT**

**FCG: NO OF COURSE NOT.**

**FCG: I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW ALL THAT MUCH.**

**FCG: I JUST KNOW THIS STUFF WILL DRIVE YOU SHITHIVE MAGGOTS IF YOU DON'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.**

**CGA: That Figure Of Speech You Keep Using Puzzles Me Too**

**FCG: LIKE**

**FCG: NOT THAT I EXPECT YOU TO GIVE A SHIT BUT PERSONALLY I AM ALL TWISTED UP ABOUT BLACKROM STUFF ESPECIALLY.**

**FCG: HONESTLY I DON'T THINK I WAS CUT OUT TO HAVE A KISMESIS, I THINK MY STANDARDS ARE WAY TOO HIGH.**

**FCG: DID YOU KNOW THAT...**

**FCG: THIS FEELS SO INSANE TO ADMIT, BUT**

**FCG: OVER THE COURSE OF THIS ADVENTURE, AT TIMES I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO SUSPECT I WAS MY OWN KISMESIS.**

**FCG: HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?**

**CGA: Im Not Qualified To Say**

**CGA: Neither Romance Nor Psychology Are My Strong Suits**

**FCG: BUT OBVIOUSLY ITS NOT TRUE, I NEVER EVEN DID ANY LEGIT TIME TRAVELING WHERE I COULD MEET MYSELF, I JUST BICKERED WITH PAST AND FUTURE GHOSTS ON A CHAT CLIENT.**

**FCG: FITTING REALLY. EVERY CALIGINOUS ADVERSARY I'VE CONTEMPLATED HAS ELUDED ME LIKE A PHANTOM, EVEN MYSELF!**

**FCG: WHATEVER, I'M DONE WITH IT.**

**CGA: And What Of Scarlet Ambitions**

**CGA: Fare Any Better In That Quadrant**

**FCG: NO NO NO I'M NOT AIRING THAT SHIT OUT HERE.**

**FCG: MAYBE PRIVATELY.**

**FCG: IT'S PRIVATE.**

**FCG: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT, WHAT WERE YOU ORIGINALLY GOING TO ASK ME.**

**CGA: Oh Fine**

**CGA: Heres This Silly Question For You**

**CGA: I Was Just Wondering Given Your Vantage Of Hindsight**

**CGA: If Youd Had Cause To Observe At Any Point In Time**

**CGA: Magic**

**FCG: UH...**

**CGA: Like Real Magic**

**CGA: I Guess What Im Asking Is**

**CGA: Is Magic A Real Thing**

**FCG: WOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S KIND OF THE DUMBEST FUCKING QUESTION I'VE EVER HEARD.**

**CGA: I Know**

**CGA: Its Just That I Have A Good Reason To Believe Magic Is Real**

**CGA: Our Ancient Predecessors Discovered How To Use It**

**CGA: But Then They May Have Surpassed Us In Skill By A Great Deal**

**FCG: YOU PUT WAY TOO MUCH STOCK IN THAT RATTY OLD GUIDE.**

**FCG: BUT ANYWAY NO, WE NEVER USED MAGIC.**

**FCG: I MEAN, LET ME TRY TO PUT INTO PERSPECTIVE HOW RIDICULOUS THE WHOLE NOTION IS ANYWAY.**

**FCG: WE CAN ALCHEMIZE PRACTICALLY ANYTHING WITH THE RIGHT MATERIALS AND GRIST.**

**FCG: WE CAN, AND DID, MAKE SUPER POWERFUL WEAPONS AND ITEMS THAT CAN DO PRACTICALLY ANYTHING.**

**FCG: WHAT ADDITIONAL ADVANTAGE COULD MAGIC OFFER? ALL THIS SHIT IS PRACTICALLY MAGIC ANYWAY.**

**FCG: BUT MORE LIKE**

**FCG: GOOFY SCIENCEY MAGIC. YOU KNOW?**

**CGA: Sure**

**FCG: BUT EVERYTHING HERE IS KIND OF MAGIC IN A WAY, ISN'T IT.**

**FCG: FORTUNE TELLING DREAM CLOUDS AND GOLDEN MOONS AND SHIT.**

**FCG: IF YOU LOOK AROUND**

**FCG: THERE'S MAGIC EVERYWHERE IN THIS BITCH.**

**FCG: IT'S ALL AROUND US.**

**FCG: MOTHER FUCKIN MIRACLES, RIGHT?**

**CGA: Heh**

**FCG: WHAT DO YOU NEED MAGIC FOR ANYWAY?**

**CGA: Im Running Out Of Ideas**

**CGA: I Need To Figure Out A Way To Stoke This Volcano**

**CGA: In Case You And The Others Are Successful In Recovering The Queens Ring**

**FCG: YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.**

**FCG: AND YOU WON'T NEED MAGIC, TRUST ME.**

**FCG: JUST BE PATIENT, THE ANSWER WILL COME TO YOU SOMEHOW.**

**CGA: I Guess You Would Know**

**FCG: YEAH, REALLY THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.**

**FCG: AT LEAST AS FAR AS THE DETAILS OF THE ADVENTURE GO.**

**FCG: WE WERE ALL PRETTY AWESOME AT THIS GAME.**

**FCG: REALLY AWESOME IN FACT.**

**FCG: UNTIL A LITTLE WHILE AGO.**

**FCG: WHEN IT TURNED OUT WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY ALL THAT AWESOME.**

**FCG: TURNS OUT WE WERE PRETTY FUCKING UNAWESOME ALL ALONG.**

**CGA: Still Baffled By What Would Conceivably Cause Such A Crisis In Awesomeness Post-Victory**

**FCG: WELL**

**FCG: FOR STARTERS**

**FCG: HAVE YOU SCROLLED UP TO THE TOP OF THE TIMELINES YET?**

**CGA: No**

**FCG: CHECK THAT OUT**

**FCG: MAYBE READ A FEW RECENT MEMOS**

**FCG: BUT OTHER THAN THAT IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO CONCERN YOURSELF WITH.**

**FCG: JUST DEAL WITH GETTING THROUGH THE QUEST.**

**FCG: I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU ABOUT IT WHEN YOU CATCH UP WITH ME ON THE TIMELINE.**

**FCG: WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE RIGHT NOW.**

**CGA: Say Hi To Me For Myself**

**FCG: OK I PROBABLY WON'T DO THAT, BUT ALRIGHT HA HA.**

**FCG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE ANYWAY?**

**CGA: You Mean Future Me**

**FCG: YEAH.**

**FCG: YOU'RE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR CHAINSAW.**

**FCG: WHILE TAVROS IS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR.**

**FCG: OH GOD.**

**FCG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?**

**CGA: What**

**CGA: What Did I Do**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist 2 [FCG2]** **600 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG2: OK.**

**FCG2: EVERYTHING'S FINE I GUESS.**

**CGA: What Happened**

**FCG2: I PASSED OUT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.**

**FCG2: FUCKING EMBARRASSING.**

**FCG2: YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND, YOU KNOW.**

**CGA: Shithive Maggots You Mean**

**FCG2: YEAH**

**FCG2: IN A GOOD WAY THOUGH.**

**FCG2: OK I'M SHUTTING THIS MEMO DOWN FOR MY PAST SELF.**

**FCG2: SINCE HE'S CURRENTLY LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR AN HOUR AGO.**

**FCG2: SEE YOU IN THE FUTURE-NOW.**

**CGA: Til Then**

**FCG2** **banned ****CGA** **from responding to memo. **

**FCG2** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**FCG2** **closed memo. **

Kanaya scrolled up to the top of the timelines on her computer. She gasped. What was that? At the very top of the timelines, the 12 colored lines were cut in a jagged line that didn't seem to be in any particular pattern. And just above that, a jumbly mess of white and black flashing lines.

Terezi flew into the air with her rocket wings. On the other side of her hive, which he flew along vertically, her sprite floated in the air.

**DRAGONSPRITE: sniff sniff**

**DRAGONSPRITE: hey terezi!**

**DRAGONSPRITE: heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!**

**DRAGONSPRITE: hiiiiii terezi!**

**DRAGONSPRITE: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!**

**DRAGONSPRITE: sniff sniff sniff**

**DRAGONSPRITE: heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!**

Terezi responded in kind but suddenly stopped as she realized that Karkat was bothering her again. She quickly landed on one of the ledges of her tall hive and responded.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**CG: OK I GOT YOUR MESSAGE**

**CG: THANKS FOR NOT HASSLING ME ABOUT IT IN ONE OF THE MEMOS TO GET MY ATTENTION, I APPRECIATE THAT.**

**CG: UNLESS YOU DID, BUT IT WAS IN A FUTURE MEMO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN YET, IN WHICH CASE HAVE A BIGTIME FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT IN ADVANCE.**

**GC: NO 1 D1DNT BUG YOU 4BOUT 1T 1N YOUR STUP1D M3MOS!**

**GC: TH3Y 4R3 4NNOY1NG 4ND 1M T1R3D OF G3TT1NG B4NN3D FOR NO R34SON**

**CG: POSTING IN THEM AT ALL IS THE REASON. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO REPLY MEMOS PERIOD, THAT'S THE REASON.**

**GC: M4YB3 1 W1LL ST4RT MY OWN BULL3T1N BO4RD**

**GC: 4ND 3V3RYON3 W1LL B3 4LLOW3D TO R3PLY 4NY T1M3 TH3Y W4NT**

**GC: 3XC3PT FOR GUYS W1TH NUBBY HORNS, OH NO, TH3Y W1LL NOT B3 4BL3 TO R3PLY 4T 4LL**

**GC: GRUMPY K4RK4TS W1LL B3 3XPR3SSLY FORB1DD3N FROM R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN!**

**GC: :P**

**CG: SOUNDS LAME.**

**GC: BY TH3 W4Y TH4T W1LL B3 TH3 N4M3 OF TH3 BO4RD 1N C4S3 1T W4SNT CL34R**

**CG: YEAH I GOT THAT.**

**CG: THIS IS AN EMPTY THREAT, BECAUSE IF YOU MADE A BOARD AT ANY POINT ON THE TIMELINE I WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT RIGHT HERE AND READ THE WHOLE THING ALREADY.**

**CG: WAIT...**

**CG: OH GOD, YOU ACTUALLY DID.**

**GC: Y3SSSSS!**

**GC: FUTUR3 T3R3Z1 1S LOOK1NG PR3TTY COOL R1GHT 4BOUT NOW 8]**

**CG: LOOK I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.**

**CG: WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT GOING AFTER THE QUEEN'S RING.**

**GC: W3LL**

**GC: TH3 TH1NG TH4T 1S 4LL 4BOUT 1T 1S**

**GC: W3 H4V3 TO GO 4FT3R TH3 QU33NS R1NG**

**GC: 1T 1S 4 N3W M1SS1ON**

**CG: BUT WE'RE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING TO PULL OFF REGISURP WITH JACK.**

**CG: WHY DON'T WE TAKE IT ONE MISSION AT A TIME.**

**GC: Y34H 4BOUT TH4T**

**GC: TH3 WHOL3 PO1NT 1S TO D3STROY TH3 R1NG SO J4CK DO3SNT G3T 1T**

**CG: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THAT, JACK'S AN ALLY.**

**GC: 4LSO**

**GC: TH3 M1SS1ON SORT OF 1NVOLV3S 3X1L1NG J4CK TOO**

**GC: :|**

**CG: THIS IS BULLSHIT.**

**CG: WE'RE NOT EXILING JACK, HE'S COOL.**

**GC: K4RK4T, H3 1S NOT TH4T COOL!**

**CG: YES HE IS, HE'S A TOTAL BADASS WITH A FUCK TON OF BLADES AND SHIT, AND HE'S HELPING US OUT.**

**GC: OK, 1 TH1NK 1TS PR3TTY CUT3 TH4T YOU SORT OF LOOK UP TO H1M L1K3 TH4T**

**GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY, 1 DO NOT G3T 4 GOOD F33L1NG FROM H1M!**

**GC: H3 K1ND OF**

**CG: STINKS?**

**CG: LET ME ACTED SHOCKED LIKE I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.**

**CG: O:**

**CG: FUCK I FORGOT MY HORNS, I ALWAYS FORGET THEM**

**CG: O:B**

**GC: NO!**

**GC: W3LL**

**GC: SORT OF**

**GC: H3 DO3SNT SM3LL B4D 4CTU4LLY**

**GC: H3 SM3LLS R34LLY CL34N 4ND SH1NY 4ND D4RK D4RK D444RK L1K3 4N O1L SL1CK 4ND TH3R3 1S 4 T1NY H1NT OF L1COR1C3 TH3R3 TOO**

**GC: 1TS MOR3 L1K3**

**GC: TH3 W4Y H3 MOV3S**

**GC: 1 SM3LL H1S SMOOTH MOT1ONS 4ND TH3 W4Y H3 SQU1NTS H1S 3Y3S 4ND 1T G1V3S M3 TH1S R34LLY N3RVOUS F33L1NG**

**CG: WHAT A SURPRISE, YOU ARE DRAGGING YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIC NOSE INTO THIS, WHAT AN OUTSTANDING CHARACTER WITNESS.**

**CG: OBJECTION YOUR TYRANNY! HAHAHA**

**GC: :D**

**CG: THE BOTTOM LINE IS I AM NOT GOING TO EXILE JACK BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN SMELL MALICE OFF AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE.**

**GC: K4RK4T, H3S 4 J3RK!**

**GC: H3 H4S ST4BB3D YOU ON MOR3 TH4N ON3 OCC4S1ON!**

**CG: SOME OF THOSE STABBINGS WERE ACCIDENTAL!**

**GC: 8|**

**CG: OK, WELL I KNOW FOR A FACT THE THIRD TIME WAS ACCIDENTAL.**

**CG: ANYWAY YOU'VE BEATEN THE SHIT OUT OF ME A FEW TIMES YOURSELF.**

**GC: BUT 1 D1DN'T DR4W BLOOD!**

**GC: 1 M34N 1 COULD H4V3 TO S4T1SFY MY CUR1OS1TY :]**

**GC: BUT 1 D1DNT 4S 4 COURT3SY TO YOU**

**GC: S1NC3 YOU ST1LL W4NT TO K33P 1T 4 S3CR3T FROM M3 L1K3 4 P3TUL4NT L1TTL3 W1GGL3R :P**

**CG: HEY I PROMISED I'D TELL YOU.**

**CG: I JUST**

**CG: WASN'T READY OK**

**GC: W3LL**

**GC: 1TS OK**

**GC: 1 KNOW WH4T COLOR YOUR BLOOD 1S 4NYW4Y :]**

**CG: NO YOU DON'T**

**GC: YUP, 1 TOT4LLY DO**

**CG: LIES, I'VE BEEN VERY CAREFUL.**

**CG: NOT LIKE ALL YOU CLASSLESS SHITBAGS WHO SLOP YOUR BLOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE EVERY GODDAMN MINUTE LIKE IT'S SOME WEIRD FETISH.**

**GC: 3RR**

**GC: HM :\**

**CG: WHAT**

**GC: BL4R**

**GC: HOLD ON**

**CG: WHAT IS IT?**

**GC: 1 S41D HOLD ON! SOM3T1M3S 1TS H4RD TO P1CK OUT TH3 L3TT3RS FROM TH3 HOLO PROJ3CT1ON**

**GC: 1 N33D TO G3T 4 CLOS3R LOOK!**

**CG: ARE YOU LICKING YOUR GLASSES AGAIN?**

**CG: I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT, IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING.**

**GC: NOMP, WH4TH WOULB EBER G1TH YOU TH4TH 1BE4?**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3**


	70. Book 5 Chapter 7: Make Her Pay

Chapter 7: Make Her Pay

Terezi licked her glasses and then put them back on.

**GC: TH4T 1S B3TT3R**

**GC: 1TS MUCH 34S13R TO R34D YOUR COLOR TH1S W4Y**

**GC: YOUR DR4B D1RTY P4V3M3NT GR4Y**

**GC: ON TOP OF BR1GHT C4NDY R3D, L1K3 4 SH1NY LOLL1POP**

**GC: DO3S TH4T SOUND F4M1L14R K4RK4T?**

**CG: YES, I'M EXTREMELY FAMILIAR WITH THIS SORT OF NONSENSE BY NOW, SURE.**

**GC: NO 1 M34N**

**GC: GR4Y ON R3D**

**GC: L1K3 TH3 W4Y YOUR SK1N**

**GC: CONC34LS YOUR BLOOD**

**CG: WHAT**

**GC: C4NDY C4NDY R3D!**

**GC: L1K3 YOUR PL4N3T**

**GC: YOU H4V3 STRONG CH3RRY COUGH SYRUP 1N YOUR V31NS! 1T 1S COMPL3T3LY D3L1C1OUS.**

**CG: WHO TOLD YOU**

**CG: DID JACK TELL YOU**

**GC: NO H3 DO3SNT T4LK MUCH**

**GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT MYS3LF**

**CG: HOW**

**GC: 1 GOT 4 CLOS3R LOOK**

**GC: R3M3MB3R :]**

**CG: NO**

**GC: PFFF YOU 4R3 PL4Y1NG SO DUMB, YOU KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T 1 4M T4LK1NG 4BOUT**

**CG: I CLEANED UP MY WOUND AND CHANGED MY SHIRT BEFORE I EVEN MET YOU, I'VE BEEN EXTREMELY CAREFUL.**

**CG: SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FILL ME IN.**

**GC: 1T W4S WH3N 1 GOT CLOS3 3NOUGH**

**GC: TO SM3LL 1T UND3R YOUR SK1N**

**GC: PL34S3 K4RK4T, DO NOT PR3T3ND TH4T YOU FORGOT 4BOUT OUR L1TTL3 MOM3NT**

**CG: WHOA**

**CG: YOU MEAN**

**CG: DURING**

**CG: FUCK.**

**CG: OK SHHHHHHHHHH SHH SHH SHH...**

**CG: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THIS, NOT HERE.**

**GC: TH1S 1SNT 4 M3MO!**

**GC: 1TS 4 PR1V4T3 CORR3SPOND3NC3 JUST B3TW33N US, R3M3MB3R?**

**CG: I KNOW BUT**

**CG: DAMMIT**

**CG: WRITING ALL THESE MEMOS HAS MADE ME PARANOID.**

**CG: IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL SECURE CHATTING ABOUT IT OVER THE CLIENT, I DUNNO.**

**CG: WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT IN PERSON.**

**GC: HOW "1N P3RSON" DO YOU M34N?**

**GC: UH OH LOOK 4T MY 3Y3BROWS G3TT1NG C4RR13D 4W4Y H3R3**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: K4RK4T H3LP, TH3Y 4R3 OUT OF CONTROL!**

**CG: THOSE ARE EYEBROWS?**

**CG: I THOUGHT THEY WERE HORNS.**

**GC: TH3Y 4R3 HORNS TOO**

**GC: TH3Y 4R3 4R3 WH4T3V3R 1 W4NT TH3M TO B3**

**CG: ?:B**

**GC: DONT CH4NG3 TH3 SUBJ3CT BY B31NG CUT3!**

**CG: WELL APPARENTLY I JUST CAN'T FUCKING HELP MYSELF CAN I.**

**GC: NOP3**

**CG: HOW CAN YOU EVEN SMELL SO DAMN WELL, ANYWAY.**

**CG: YOU GIVE ME A HARD TIME ABOUT BEING COY ABOUT SHIT**

**CG: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR CRAZY SENSES YOU'RE SO VAGUE, IT'S LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER THE DAILY HOROSCOPE RIDDLE.**

**CG: OR THE RIDDLES FOR ALL 48 SIGNS COMBINED.**

**GC: 444RGH**

**GC: YOU 4R3 4 R3L3NTL3SS SUBJ3CT CH4NG3R! XO**

**GC: F1N3, 1TS OK 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: GOD YOU 4R3 SOOOOO SHY FOR 4N 4NGRY GUY WHO W4NTS TO B3 4 B1GSHOT L34D3R, 1TS R1D1CULOUS**

**CG: LOOK**

**CG: WE'LL TALK**

**CG: I PROMISE**

**CG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY SOME STUFF ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE**

**CG: AND CUT ME SOME SLACK.**

**GC: OK :]**

**GC: 1M SUR3 1 M3NT1ON3D 4FT3R YOU M3T MY SPR1T3 **

**GC: 1 L34RN3D FROM H3R THROUGH MY DR34MS **

**GC: B3FOR3 SH3 H4TCH3D! **

**CG: YEAH, BUT IT'S STILL SO VAGUE.**

**CG: THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.**

**CG: HOW ABOUT A STRAIGHT ANSWER?**

**GC: OK, 1LL TRY **

**GC: WH3N 1 W3NT BL1ND, TH4TS WH3N 1 F1RST WOK3 UP **

**GC: 4ND MY LUSUS H3LP3D M3 W4K3 UP! **

**GC: SORT OF **

**CG: YOU MEAN ON PROSPIT'S MOON.**

**GC: Y3S **

**GC: BUT **

**GC: 3XC3PT FOR 4 V3RY BR13F MOM3NT... **

**GC: 1 W4S BL1ND 1N MY DR34MS TOO **

**GC: TH3 DR34M S3LF 1M4G3 1 PROJ3CT C4N'T S33, B3C4US3 1 GU3SS D33P DOWN 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO **

**CG: WHY IS THAT.**

**CG: IS IT OUT OF SPITE TO VRISKA?**

**CG: I KNOW I'D PROBABLY BE COOL WITH IT OUT OF SPITE MORE THAN ANYTHING.**

**GC: NO **

**GC: NOT TH4T TH3R3 W4SNT SOM3 S4T1SF4CT1ON 1N B31NG OK4Y W1TH 1T **

**GC: GR4T3FUL 4BOUT 1T 3V3N! **

**GC: 4ND M4K1NG SUR3 SH3 KN3W TH4T **

**GC: BUT TH4TS NOT 1T **

**GC: TH3 D4Y 1T H4PP3N3D W4S TH3 F1RST T1M3 1 3V3R H34RD FROM MY LUSUS **

**GC: SH3 WOK3 M3 UP, 4ND 3V3R S1NC3 H4S B33N T34CH1NG M3 4 D1FF3R3NT W4Y TO S33 **

**GC: 4 D1FF3R3NT W4Y TO P3RC31V3 3V3RYTH1NG 1 GU3SS, NOT JUST 1N 4 S3NSORY W4Y **

**CG: OK, SO WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL ME ANY OF THIS?**

**GC: YOU WOULDNT H4V3 GOTT3N 1T! **

**GC: 3V3N NOW YOU ST1LL DONT R34LLY **

**GC: YOU H4V3 NOT 3V3N S33N SK414 Y3T **

**CG: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAKE UP.**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW! **

**GC: SOM3TH1NG D1FF3R3NT DO3S 1T FOR 3V3RYBODY **

**CG: HOW MANY OF US ARE AWAKE NOW?**

**CG: HOW MUCH OF THE FUTURE DID YOU "SEE" BEFORE WE STARTED**

**CG: IN THE CLOUDS, LIKE KANAYA**

**CG: ALSO HOW DID YOU GO BLIND ANYWAY?**

**CG: WHAT DID SHE DO TO YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO CAGEY ABOUT THAT.**

**CG: I STILL DON'T SEE HOW SHE COULD BLIND YOU WITHOUT BEING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU.**

**CG: OBVIOUSLY SHE CAN'T CONTROL YOU, SO WHAT GIVES?**

**GC: K4RK4T SHUT UP! **

**GC: GOD **

**GC: HOW 4BOUT 1F **

**GC: 1 T3LL YOU 4LL 4BOUT TH4T STUFF N3XT T1M3 W3 4R3 "1N P3RSON" ;] **

**GC: 1N F4CT, 1 W1LL T3LL YOU WH3N YOU W4K3 UP! **

**GC: UNT1L TH3N 1 W1LL K33P T4BS ON YOU 1N YOUR TOW3R WH1L3 YOU SL33P L1K3 4 L1TTL3 HON3Y P4J4M4'D PUP4 N3STL3D 1N H1S COCOON **

**CG: WAIT LET ME GUESS.**

**CG: DO I LOOK ADORABLE?**

**GC: 4CTU4LLY **

**GC: YOU LOOK K1ND OF L1K3 4 B1G P1L3 OF SM3LLY B4RF **

**CG: WOW, WHAT THE FUCK.**

**GC: OF COOOOUUUUURS3 YOU DO, DUMB4SS :] **

**CG: OH**

**CG: THEN**

**CG: GOOD I GUESS**

**GC: OK 1V3 GOT TO FLY **

**GC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT TH3 R1NG M1SS1ON **

**GC: YOU C4N ST4Y BUSY W1TH R3G1SURP **

**GC: 1 W1LL ORG4N1Z3 TH3 N3W M1SS1ON MYS3LF **

**GC: L4T3R! **

**CG: WAIT**

**CG: TEREZI**

**CG: PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT MY BLOOD.**

**CG: I WANT TO TELL THEM, I MEAN I WILL TELL THEM.**

**CG: LATER**

**CG: ONCE THEY RESPECT ME AS A LEADER.**

**GC: OK **

**GC: 1 W1LL K33P TH4T S3CR3T 1F YOU K33P TH1S ON3 1 T3LL YOU **

**GC: WH1CH 1S TH4T **

**GC: B3TW33N YOU 4ND M3 K4RK4T **

**GC: 1 TH1NK TH3Y 4LR34DY DO **

**GC: BY3! **

**GC: 3 **

**CG: BYE**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] **

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] **

**CG: 3**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

Terezi began to ascend.

COMIC #SPECAL: ASCEND

Jack Nor: kid whered you go i was was going to shoa you my stabs…. .. ahah seer are those wings?

Terezi: T1M3 TO FLY UP 4W4Y TO SK414 YOU FUCKN1G P13C3 OF G4RGB4G3

Karkrat: UM…. OKAAAAAAAAAAY?

Dragonspite: byyye terezi! byyyyyyyyye! terezi bye! heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!11

**PUASE . . . . . ,**

Vriska lay on the ground, arm torn from its socket. She had splattered an eight ball with her blue blood. Suddenly, she opened her one good eye and stood, blood dripping from her. She wobbled a little, unsteady, and then broadcasted her mind control powers far away to where Tavros lived. She mind controlled him to use his animal-conversing mind powers. She then broadcasted his powers into the forest by Terezi's hive. The mind control penetrated Terezi's dragon egg.

She pulled a psychic double reacharound, using Tavros's mind powers to use the dragon's mind powers. The dragon controlled Terezi in her sleep as she walked in her yellow pajamas down the streets of Prospit. Dream Terezi opened her eyes and looked at Skaia in wonder. Real life Terezi, however, had also been coaxed outside from her hive. She opened her eyes and the sunlight burned her retinas. She fell to the ground, blind.

Karkat confronted a pair of green underlings with his clawsickle. He killed them quickly and reaped the spoils, then he and Terezi leaped at a giant red ogre.

Elsewhere, in the Land of Tents and Mirth, Gamzee battled a basilisks, wielding his juggling clubs.

At around the same point in time, in the Land of Brains and Fire, Feferi and Sollux aggressed another pair of underlings.

In the Land of Little Cubes and Tea, Nepeta and Equius also fought a pair of tough purple angels, although it didn't seem to be much contest for any of them.

Tavros played a game of Fiduspawn and hatched another Horsaroni creature which he rode valiantly, jousting lance in hand.

Kanaya wielded a chainsaw against an enormous creature.

Finally, Eridan arrived in the Land of Brains and Fire. He shot Ahab's Crosshairs at Sollux, who stood on a nearby brain-shaped platform. The other troll turned around just in time to shoot back with his twin red and blue beams. Their lasers hit each other and the two trolls struggled to maintain their aim.

In the Land of Maps and Treasure, Tavros and Vriska flew through the air with some rocket-powered technology. Vriska did an acrobatic fucking pirouette and slid across a bridge, killing a few imps along the way.

Aradiabot suddenly arrived and faced Vriska with all of the newfound rage that Equius had given her by providing her with a new host body. The robot kicked the spider troll in the face, sending her flying back onto the bridge. Vriska tried to get up, but Aradia slapped her in the face with her robotic arm and used her telekinetic powers to throw Vriska into the air and slam her back down to the ground again. Blue blood flew everywhere. Aradia sent Vriska flying into her hive with another fluid motion, causing a huge explosion, and then down again, destroying one of the bridges in the elaborate bridge system beneath the hive.

Aradia yelled angrily and prepared to toss Vriska again, but suddenly Tavros flew past her with a horrified expression on his face. Aradia looked at him and a smile formed on her lips. She set Vriska down on the ground gently and disappeared just as quickly as she'd appeared.

And then Dream Terezi in her golden pajamas slapped Dream Vriska, who was wearing her own.

Diamonds Droog leaned back in his chair, smoking a cigarette and looking at Gray Ladies. He couldn't get enough of their monochrome beauty, the way their ash-colored bodies curved gracefully and… oh. He looked at his screen. It seemed as though the robot girl had obeyed him. He looked at a screen that displayed a rather dead-looking Vriska lying on the ground in the Land of Maps and Treasure. His last command remained in the console. "Make her pay," he'd typed, and the girl had done it willingly.

"Atta girl," he said, his permanent snarl curling up slightly at the corners into an attempt at a smile.

Someone needed to grab the reins on timeline management here. These delinquents wasted too much time. Couldn't seem to conduct their business with any efficiency at all. Payback scenarios notwithstanding. There was always time to be made for a good comeuppance.

"Skip to the end," Droog typed.

"Skip to the end," said a voice in Aradia's head. The girl took Vriska's blood, which covered her robotic body, and formed it into words in the air.

**quit b0ssing me ar0und. im n0t 0k with it. i kn0w what im d0ing**

"That's what I like to hear," Droog said contently. "As you were, then."

Aradia skipped to the end of the entire timeline.

**FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA]** **2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened private transtimeline bulletin board r0ad t0 the und0ing. **

**FAA** **2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board r0ad t0 the und0ing. **

**FAA: this private b0ard will and has already served as a l0g 0f past events f0r future selves t0 rec0rd and a guide 0f future events f0r past selves t0 f0ll0w**

**FAA: i d0nt kn0w which half 0f its r0le has been 0r will be m0re imp0rtant**

**FAA: p0ssibly neither is critical since deviati0n fr0m the c0urse is m0stly imp0ssible and reflecti0n 0n its traversal is c0mpletely irrelevant**

**FAA: but im typing this anyway**

**FAA: because im b0red again**

**PAST apocalypseArisen [PAA]** **601 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PAA: and here i was thinking we were finished taking 0rders fr0m v0ices!**

**PAA: weve 0nly swapped the imperatives 0f the dead with th0se 0f 0ur future selves**

**PAA: wh0 are als0 dead**

**FAA: yes it seems that way**

**PAA: 0h well it was an enj0yable reprieve fr0m fatalism while it lasted**

**PAA: id nearly managed t0 sav0r it**

**FAA: an err0r narr0wly av0ided then**

**FAA: i think we sh0uld refrain fr0m dial0gue in this mem0**

**FAA: with0ut res0rting t0 bannings 0r absurd exchanges 0f self repudiati0n**

**PAA: yeah i agree**

**PAA: i just th0ught id interject that and g0**

**FAA: 0k**

All across the Battlefield, Aradiabots appeared out of nowhere, all different versions of her from different timelines.

**FAA: we will and have already amassed an army t0 c0nfr0nt the black king**

**FAA: an army c0nsisting 0f 0ur alternate future selves**

**FAA: each 0ne rer0uted fr0m a d00med 0ffsh00t 0f the alpha timeline**

**FAA: each given an0ther chance at a c0nstructive influence 0ver the ultimate 0utc0me**

**FAA: by the way if y0u didnt kn0w already**

**FAA: a future self returning t0 the past fr0m a d00med timeline will always be slated f0r imminent destructi0n herself**

**FAA: its 0ne 0f the rules**

**FAA: and the unf0rtunate reality is**

**FAA: this will and has already been a mass suicide missi0n**

**FAA: 0r it w0uld be**

**FAA: and already w0uld have been**

**FAA: if we all werent already dead**

**FAA: 0_0**

**FAA: m0bilizing 0urselves in such numbers w0uld be required t0 neutralize the kings psychic attacks **

**FAA: it w0uld take 0ur c0mbined c0ncentrati0n t0 dampen the abilities he inherited fr0m glbg0lyb **

**FAA: with0ut the cumulative eff0rt 0f 0ur d00med reserves **

**FAA: with0ut the heightened mental and physical endurance 0f 0ur r0b0tic vessels **

**FAA: with0ut the untimely demise we all shared bef0re this began **

**FAA: vict0ry w0uld n0t be p0ssible **

**FAA: he w0uld kill us all with 0ne dreadful s0und**

**FAA: i d0nt kn0w if it was just bad luck **

**FAA: 0r an extensi0n 0f the curse karkat insists he br0ught 0n us **

**FAA: that lead t0 the incidental and unf0rtuit0us pr0t0typing 0f feferis p0werful lusus **

**FAA: with0ut which the battle w0uld have p0sed little challenge **

**FAA: i think **

**FAA: it was m0re likely just an0ther inevitability **

**FAA: a pr0duct 0f c0llusi0n between the disparate f0rces at play **

**FAA: a bargain struck between what skaia kn0ws already and what the g0ds demand up fr0nt **

**FAA: t0gether they 0rchestrate trials sufficient t0 ensure **

**FAA: that in 0verc0ming them we w0uld be pr0ven w0rthy **

**FAA: 0f inheriting the ultimate reward**

**FAA: ribbit **

**FAA: wh00ps**

**FAA: and s0 it w0uld be and has been already **

**FAA: that while distracted by the c0mbined eff0rts 0f 0ur d00med legi0n **

**FAA: the king w0uld be aggressed by the 0thers **

**FAA: and even th0ugh each w0uld be well prepared **

**FAA: perched 0n the highest rungs 0f their echeladders **

**FAA: equipped with the best weap0nry grist c0uld build **

**FAA: versed in the deadliest fraym0tifs b00nd0llars c0uld buy**

**FAA: even th0ugh the mete0rs fr0m the kings 0wn reck0ning w0uld be turned against him**

**FAA: and even with 0ne imp0ssibly lucky r0ll 0f the dice at the final m0ment**

**FAA: we w0uld 0nly narr0wly succeed**

**FAA: but ultimately**

**FAA: we w0uld pr0ve 0ur w0rth**

**FAA: and the reward w0uld be within 0ur reach**

The twelve alpha timeline trolls stood on a frog platform together. There was Feferi, with her collars and rings and headband; Kanaya, with her Wardrobifier locked on her standard outfit; Gamzee, his face a stoned expression of calm as always; Tavros, sitting in his rocket chair and hovering above the ground; Vriska, with her one wrench-shaped horn and the other bent awkwardly; Aradia in her robot form, thanks to Equius; Equius, who was so excited he was sweating bullets; Sollux, with his blue and red glasses; Eridan, who was holding a magic wand and repeating over and over that magic was not real; Terezi, with her red sesame seed-shaped glasses; Nepeta, her blue helmet on as always; and, of course, Karkat, the leader of the twelve. There was also an odd hand sticking out of a blue portal, but no one noticed it. They were all intensely focused on the door and what lay beyond it.

All around the frog platform floated the doomed Aradiabots, watching as Karkat reached for the doorknob. They were so close. The ultimate reward lay just beyond the threshold of the door before them. His hand got closer to the knob. It was a spherical transparent globe with a blue Skaiain spirograph inside.

**FAA: but 0nly m0mentarily**

**FAA: bef0re we w0uld be able t0 claim it **

**FAA: we w0uld be interrupted **

**FAA: by s0mething **

**FAA: which w0uld be ushered int0 0ur sessi0n by a rift in parad0x space **

**FAA: a rift which we w0uld determine **

**FAA: will be 0pened by f0ur members 0f a fledgling species **

**FAA: wh0 will be playing in an0ther sessi0n 0f the same game that we will and have already played**

**FAA: their rift will lead t0 the great und0ing **

**FAA: with0ut necessarily causing it **

**FAA: n0t directly **

**FAA: such rifts are themselves supp0sedly benign **

**FAA: useful even **

**FAA: they are catal0gued phen0mena within the game itself **

**FAA: with a pr0vided means 0f creating them **

**FAA: and a wide range 0f scenari0s f0r which it might be prudent t0 d0 s0 **

**FAA: the incipisphere l0cals have a m0re f0rmal term f0r them **

**FAA: they typically refer t0 such a rift as**

Far below the trolls, a green electricity crackled through the Furthest Ring. This was what Kanaya had seen at the end of the timeline. The white and black jumble of lines. It had been this outcropping of energy.

**FAA: a scratch**

**CAA: the direct effects 0f a scratch are limited t0 the sessi0n inv0king it **

**CAA: we w0uld n0t experience 0r 0bserve th0se effects fr0m 0ur sessi0n **

**CAA: but we w0uld experience the c0nsequences **

**CAA: in the f0rm 0f that which prevented us fr0m claiming 0ur reward **

**CAA: he wh0se hand w0uld be f0rced by the scratch **

**CAA: t0 emerge fr0m hiding**

**CAA: but there w0uld be n0 adequate way t0 prepare **

**CAA: even with all the f0resight at 0ur disp0sal **

**CAA: f0r a f0e m0re p0werful than the king we will and have already defeated **

**CAA: f0r a dem0n wh0 is indestructible **

**CAA: 0mnip0tent **

**CAA: and enraged**

**CAA: while the rest 0f the party w0uld absc0nd **

**CAA: 0ur duplicates w0uld buy us time **

**CAA: they w0uld all be killed **

**CAA: again**

**CAA: all except f0r me **

**CAA: this is just as well i supp0se **

**CAA: what w0uld we even d0 with all th0se c0pies anyway**

**CAA: we w0uld return t0 the site 0f 0ur hatching **

**CAA: s0 t0 speak **

**CAA: where we w0uld hide **

**CAA: amidst a veil depleted by the reck0ning **

**CAA: and wait **

**CAA: drifting in the wide 0rbit 0f 0ur s00n t0 be null sessi0n**

**CAA: banished fr0m the universe we left behind**

**CAA: and yet in being denied the ultimate reward**

**CAA: we w0uld be barred fr0m entry**

**CAA: int0 the universe we created**

Yes, that's right, reader. Your universe. The universe that John and Rose and Dave and Jade lived in. The one with Earth and the Moon and the Sun. And the stars, aligned in peculiar constellations that somewhat resembled the twelve trolls in a way, as they twinkled in the sky and inspired the humans on Earth to do great, inspired things.


	71. Book 5 Chapter 8: The End of the Session

Chapter 8: The End of the Session

And then I began Act 5 Act 2. See, Act 5 Act 1 was Hivebent, and now here is Act 5 Act 2. I don't know what to call it yet, though.

Somewhere on the newly created Earth, in a neighborhood in the western United States, a meteor destroyed a mall. In the impact crater, a little baby sat on a daunting text that was crushing a gentleman's mother. She was dead.

Karkat Vantas watched this scene on his Trollian viewport with some surprise, and then annoyance, and then outright loathing for this boy who lived in the world he and his friends had created.

A gentleman known as Mr. Egbert, who'd run a joke shop in the mall, found the boy and dead mother. He wept and Karkat laughed.

The troll jumped ahead in the timeline to a few months later. In the Egbert backyard, the young boy John rode a dangerous pogo ride. Without warning, it bucked forward too far and John fell off the front, scraping his knee on the ground. Mr. Egbert ran outside with a first aid kid.

Later, a couple of years later, Karkat watched Dad Egbert stir a batch of cake batter vigorously. John stood by with the box of Betty Crocker cake mix.

Karkat skipped a few more years and paused. John's favorite shirt became a gray one with a black spade on it. Was John mocking him? Maybe the boy knew that Karkat hated him and was misinterpreting the hate a kismesissitude. Or maybe John knew nothing of this and it happened to be a coincidence. Either way, Karkat loathed John all the more for it.

More nonsense. A father teaching his adopted son how to play the piano. A father wearing a beagle puss and throwing a pie in his son's face lovingly.

And then, later, John sitting at his computer and talking to Jade. A bit later, Karkat watched in some surprise as the boy donned a wizard hat and had cards fly out his sleeves. Who was he? Eridan?

In the winter, John putting his gift for Jade together. The pumpkin seeds and the blue ghost slime shirt.

Jumping ahead, Karkat watched John take a bite of a blue apple as a meteor raced toward his house. And then he was fighting imps, collecting grist, and being hailed by the local fauna as their savior. And finally, John lay on a rocket board, asleep, strapped down with caution tape, and flying to who knew where.

Karkat watched him with a sense of hateful fascination. Kismesissitude? Perhaps. The troll wasn't quite sure.

He'd finally found the boy after hours of searching. No. _Sweeps_ of searching.

John's Cosbytop had been turned into a computer band, displaying a holographic image in front of him. He wore strange blue pajamas with a windy symbol thing. Karkat almost laughed. He decided it was time to troll this worthless human.

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]**

**CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.**

**CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.**

**CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.**

**CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.**

**CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME.**

**CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.**

**CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK.**

**CG: BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET.**

**CG: BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED.**

**CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN.**

**CG: ONLY MY HATE.**

**CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.**

**CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG.**

**CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER.**

**CG: IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU.**

**CG: MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE.**

**CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU.**

**CG: YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT.**

**CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT.**

**EB: hi karkat!**

**CG: WHAT**

**CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME.**

**EB: oh man.**

**EB: this is it, isn't it?**

**EB: i've been looking forward to this!**

**CG: WHAT IS IT.**

**CG: ME HATING YOU IS WHAT'S IT.**

**CG: IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, YEAH, BINGO.**

**EB: no, i mean this is the first conversation between us, from your perspective.**

**EB: right?**

**CG: YEAH.**

**CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE'VE SPOKEN BEFORE.**

**EB: yeah, lots of times!**

**EB: actually...**

**EB: i should introduce myself properly.**

**EB: hi karkat, i am john!**

**CG: JOHN, WHY WOULD I GIVE A PUNGENT WHIPPING LUMPSQUIRT WHAT YOUR NAME IS.**

**EB: because we are buddies!**

**CG: I ADMIT I AM NEW TO HUMAN SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS**

**CG: BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN OR WILL EVER BE DESCRIBED AS "EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES".**

**EB: yup, we totally are.**

**EB: we just became earth human buddies in a kind of weird way.**

**EB: you decide to keep talking to me backwards through my adventure.**

**EB: and then when you are done with that you come back and talk to me more recently on the timeline for a while.**

**EB: you talk to my friends a whole bunch too.**

**EB: you and your alternian troll buddies help me and my earth human buddies hatch a plan!**

**EB: which we are busy putting into motion right now, as you can see.**

**CG: THESE ARE LIES.**

**CG: I KNOW WHEN I AM BEING TROLLED, WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO HERE.**

**CG: I AM YOUR GOD, REMEMBER.**

**EB: yeah yeah, i know.**

**CG: WHY WOULD I TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.**

**CG: AND WHY WOULD I HELP YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS?**

**CG: I WOULD JUST BE HELPING YOU BLUNDER DOWN THE PATH THAT ENDS WITH YOU OPENING THE RIFT LIKE A BUNCH OF MORONS.**

**EB: you mean the scratch?**

**CG: WHATEVER.**

**EB: yes! that is the plan.**

**EB: you yourself said it was the only hope now.**

**CG: RIDICULOUS.**

**CG: I DIDN'T WRIGGLE OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME YESTERDAY.**

**CG: THAT WAS SEVERAL WEEKS AGO, OK?**

**EB: heheheh.**

**CG: I DO NOT THINK YOU APPRECIATE THE GRAVITY OF MY ANTIPATHY, JOHN HUMAN.**

**EB: egbert.**

**CG: OK, HUMAN EGBERT.**

**CG: I FUCKING LOATHE YOU, AND I HAVE TUNED INTO YOUR CHANNEL MOMENTS BEFORE THE ERADICATION OF YOUR TIMELINE AND THAT SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE, WITH JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO BASICALLY COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROY YOU WITH HOSTILE RHETORIC.**

**CG: THERE IS NO CHANCE I WILL EVER HELP YOU.**

**CG: YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU OR WHY I HATE YOU.**

**CG: I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS YOUR GOD, LIKE THAT WASN'T JUST A LOT OF BRAVADO AND USELESS PISSING AROUND.**

**CG: I AM LITERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE.**

**CG: WE BEAT THE GAME YOU ARE PLAYING AND CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE.**

**CG: WE WERE GOING TO ENTER YOUR UNIVERSE AND RULE OVER IT.**

**CG: LIKE TYRANTS.**

**CG: IT WAS TO BE OUR PLAYTHING, JOHN.**

**CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SWEET IT WAS GOING TO BE.**

**CG: BUT THEN WE COULDN'T CLAIM OUR PRIZE BECAUSE OF THAT MONSTROSITY YOU SPRUNG ON US.**

**EB: man...**

**EB: i knoooow.**

**EB: none of this is news to me, karkat!**

**EB: but to be quite honest, it doesn't sound like your intentions were all that great.**

**EB: wanting to be tyrants and all.**

**EB: maybe you got what you deserved, you stutid fuckass!**

**CG: STUTID?**

**CG: WOW, YOUR SPECIES REALLY IS BRAINDEAD.**

**EB: eh, it's an in-joke, never mind.**

**EB: anyway, hey!**

**EB: i thought this was supposed to be the conversation where you do all that AMAAAAAZING TROLLING!**

**EB: come on bro, flame me!**

**EB: i have been really excited about this.**

**CG: YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO TROLL YOU?**

**CG: I MEAN**

**CG: DON'T WORRY, I CAN AND I WILL, AND IT WILL BE A GODDAMN BLOODBATH WHEN I GET STARTED.**

**CG: IT'S JUST KIND OF WEIRD YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT IT, IS THAT NORMAL FOR YOUR RACE?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: i don't know, probably not.**

**EB: i just think it's kind of funny when you do it.**

**CG: THAT'S REALLY CONDESCENDING AND IT'S HARD TO CONVEY HOW MUCH MORE I JUST GOT PISSED OFF THAN I ALREADY WAS.**

**CG: BUT MAYBE IT MAKES SENSE ACTUALLY**

**CG: THAT YOU WELCOME MY ACRIMONY SO READILY**

**CG: ON ACCOUNT OF PROBABLY SOME WEIRD GLAND HUMANS HAVE, LIKE A PUNISHMENT THROBBER OR SOME SILLY SOUNDING THING LIKE THAT.**

**CG: IT MIGHT MEAN THAT I'M RIGHT ABOUT YOU.**

**EB: right about what?**

**CG: I MEAN THAT IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DON'T YOU THINK JOHN.**

**CG: SORT OF COSMICALLY.**

**CG: LIKE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE STARS.**

**CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONES I FUCKING MADE FOR YOU.**

**EB: ha ha, i don't hate you!**

**CG: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY CLAIM TO HAVE TALKED TO ME A LOT ALREADY AND NOT HATE ME, SEE IT DOESN'T ADD UP.**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: are you saying that we are kisme-whatevers?**

**CG: WHAT, NO.**

**CG: WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BRAZEN SOLICITATION.**

**CG: IT'S INSULTING.**

**CG: I MEAN**

**CG: OK I'M NOT SAYING I'M RULING OUT THE IDEA OR ANYTHING.**

**CG: LIKE IF LATER OVER TIME YOU STARTED REALLY HATING ME MORE**

**CG: LIKE REALLY GOT TO KNOW ME AND FOUND OUT ABOUT HOW MUCH THERE WAS TO HATE**

**EB: er...**

**CG: BUT... IN THE PAST I GUESS? I'M JUST SAYING WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN.**

**CG: OR HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.**

**EB: uh.**

**CG: FUCK WHAT AM I BABBLING ABOUT.**

**CG: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, WE JUST MET FOR FUCK'S SAKE.**

**CG: AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE EVER GOING TO MEET IN PERSON, SO IT'S ALL A MOOT POINT.**

**CG: SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.**

**CG: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: i just didn't really have any idea that you had any sort of feelings like that, so i am kind of caught off guard.**

**CG: WHAT FEELINGS, THERE ARE NO FEELINGS, END OF DISCUSSION.**

**EB: hey, i don't have a problem with your weird sort of alien hate-love thing!**

**EB: it is just that, uh...**

**CG: WHAT**

**EB: i am not a homosexual.**

**CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?**

**EB: it is like, when a boy likes another boy.**

**EB: or i guess hates, in this case.**

**CG: HUMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT?**

**EB: yes.**

**CG: HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING?**

**EB: shrug. it just is.**

**CG: HUMAN ROMANCE SURE IS WEIRD.**

**EB: i am just as confused by your troll shenanigans.**

**EB: so many shenanigans!**

**EB: anyway, i kind of got the impression that you and terezi were a thing.**

**CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN A THING.**

**EB: like, i dunno.**

**EB: going on weird fight dates and beating the crap out of each other, and being in hate-love or love-hate.**

**EB: isn't that how it works?**

**CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IGNORAMUS I COULD SHIT MILES OF RAGE SNAKE TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH.**

**EB: ew.**

**CG: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO, WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THAT.**

**EB: um, i talked to you...**

**EB: and her...**

**EB: and some others. i don't know! like i said it's just a sense i got.**

**EB: sorry!**

**CG: OK FIRST OF ALL, IF THERE WERE A "THING" WITH HER, AND THAT'S A HUGE IF**

**CG: IT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUADRANT THAN WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT.**

**EB: oh god, the quadrants...**

**CG: SECOND, WHETHER SHE AND I HAVE A THING OR DON'T HAVE A THING, OR TOOK A ROMANTIC HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE SUSPENDED IN A GODDAMN FILIAL PAIL TOGETHER**

**CG: IT'S DEFINITELY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING EARTH BUSINESS, EGBERT HUMAN JOHN.**

**CG: GOT IT?**

**EB: ok, sheesh!**

**EB: karkat, i am going to be honest...**

**EB: this first conversation is not going how i thought it would at all!**

**EB: it is really kind of...**

**EB: awkward.**

**CG: YEAH**

**CG: WOW, IT IS**

**EB: yeah...**

**CG: HUH.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: um...**

**CG: OK, LOOK.**

**CG: LET'S JUST AGREE TO NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN.**

**CG: THE STUFF I WAS BABBLING ABOUT EARLIER.**

**EB: yeah, well we never really talked about it in the past, so i guess we do agree to that.**

**CG: BUT IF I TALK TO YOU AGAIN**

**CG: IN YOUR FUTURE, LIMITED THOUGH IT IS**

**CG: YOU'LL REMEMBER MY EMBARRASSING SHIT**

**CG: SO I GUESS**

**CG: I'LL HAVE TO TROLL YOU BACKWARDS?**

**EB: told you bro!**

**EB: hahahaha.**

**CG: YOU REALLY ARE A SMUG NOOK WHIFFER, JOHN EGBERT.**

**CG: I THINK WE NEED TO GET BACK ON POINT HERE.**

**CG: WHICH IS ADDRESSING THE MATTER OF WHAT INCOMPREHENSIBLY PUTRID GARBAGE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE AND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.**

**EB: you mean platonic hate?**

**CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT, REMEMBER.**

**EB: oh yeah.**

**CG: SO YOU WANTED TO GET TROLLED, WELL YOU GOT IT.**

**CG: PREPARE TO GET YOUR PUNY HUMAN BULGE FLAMED INTO NUCLEAR HATEBLIVION.**

**CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG.**

**EB: oh boy, this sounds great.**

**EB: but...**

**EB: we're out of time!**

**EB: i have to go put this plan into motion.**

**CG: OH I SEE, TAKING THE COWARD'S WAY OUT.**

**CG: SCAMPERING OFF TO GET ANNIHILATED BY A DEADLY RIFT, HOW CONVENIENT.**

**CG: WELL FINE, SAYONARA YOU WORTHLESS CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPET.**

**CG: I WILL BID YOU ONE FIRST AND FINAL FUCK YOU.**

**CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT.**

**CG: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE JOKE BOOK YOU RODE IN ON.**

**CG: FUCK.**

**CG: FUCKING.**

**CG: YOU.**

**EB: :D**

**EB: see you soon!**

**CG: WAIT**

**CG: WHAT**

**ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]**


	72. Book 5 Chapter 9: R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTY

Chapter 9: R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN

**CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC]** **RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN. **

**CGC: WH4T DO YOU GUYS TH1NK 4BOUT K4RK4TS N3W PL4N**

**CGC: TO TROLL TH3S3 K1DS**

**CGC: P3RSON4LLY 1 TH1NK H3 H4S F1N4LLY SN4PP3D 4ND 1T DO3SNT M4K3 4NY S3NS3**

**CGC: 1 F1GUR3D M4YB3 W3 COULD T4LK 4BOUT 1T H3R3 1N S3CR3T WH1L3 H3 ST4NDS OV3R TH3R3 M4K1NG H1S BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH**

**CGC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 H3S STOPP3D BOTH3R1NG TO 1NV4D3 P4RTYTOWN, H3 H4S L34RN3D H1S L3SSON :]**

**CGC: OBV1OUSLY TH1S 1S JUST FOR US H3R3 1N TH3 PR3S3NT TO R3M4RK ON**

**CGC: 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 P4ST 4ND 4R3 CUR1OUS 4BOUT TH1S 4ND W4NT TO S4Y SOM3TH1NG YOU W1LL NOT B3 B4NN3D 4S 1S TH3 G3N3R4L RUL3 H3R3**

**CGC: BUT 1 W1LL POL1T3LY 4SK YOU TO K33P YOUR 1NT3RJ3CT1ONS TO 4 M1N1MUM!**

**CGC: 1 W1LL H4V3 ORD3R 1N TH1S RUMPUSBLOCK :D**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG]** **7 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG: YOU THINK I STOPPED KEEPING TABS ON YOUR VAPID, SEDITIOUS BULLSHIT?**

**PCG: THINK A FUCKING GAIN.**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: TH3 TOP1C 1S NOW OP3N FOR 4RGUM3NT4T1ON**

**CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY Y13LDS TH3 FLOOR W1TH 4 M1GHTY B4NG OF H3R G4V3L***

**CGC: B4NG B4NG B4NG!**

**CGC: THR33 M1GHTY B4NGS**

**CGC: WH4T DO YOU H4V3 TO SUBM1T ON TH3 SUBJ3CT OF K4RK4TS T3NUOUS GR1P ON TH3 T4TT3R3D R3M41NS OF H1S S4N1TY, COUNS3LOR N3P3T4?**

**CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CAC: :33 *the especially impurrtant pouncellor looks really serious and thoughtful as she scoots her chair out from under the official courty looking table and begins to pace around thoughtfurry***

**CAC: :33 *she doesnt understand why**

**CAC: :33 i dont understand why we are doing this!**

**CAC: :33 what was the point again?**

**CGC: 3XC3LL3NT QU3ST1ON M1SS POUNC3LLOR**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 2 [PCG2]** **5 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG2: ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED.**

**PCG2: I CAN PLAINLY SEE YOU ARE GOING TO START WRITING THIS MEMO IN FIVE MINUTES.**

**PCG2: ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GO MAKE MY "BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH" AND THEN WALK OVER TO YOUR COMPUTER AND START FUCKING WITH YOU.**

**PCG2: GO AHEAD, BAN ME ALL YOU WANT.**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG2** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY 3XPR3SS3S D1SD41NFUL Y3T 4UTHOR4T1V3 1NT3R3ST 1N OTH3R OP1N1ONS ON TH3 STUP1D3ST PL4N 3V3R CONC31V3D***

**CGC: 4NY THOUGHTS?**

**CAC: :33 i dont s33 why karkat has to always be banned from these memos!**

**CAC: :33 what if he promises to behave himself?**

**CGC: W3 H4V3 B33N OV3R TH1S :[**

**CAC: :33 what if i talk to him in the past and told him he could post here as long as he was not purrticularly disagr33able?**

**CAC: :33 thats a good idea! brb**

**CGC: OH GOD!**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 3 [PCG3]** **10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG3: THANK YOU NEPETA, FOR ALERTING ME TO THE PRESENCE OF YET MORE OF THIS TAWDRY ROLEPLAY-INFESTED CLOAK AND DAGGER RUBBISH.**

**PCG3: HOW VERY INTERESTING.**

**CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY F4C3 P4LMS 1N 4 R34LLY D1GN1F13D 4ND 1NT1M1D4T1NGLY JUD1C14L M4NN3R***

**CGC** **banned ****PCG3** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: *TH3 D1ST1NGU1SH3D POUNC3LLOR R3C31V3S 4 HUNDR3D B1LL1ON RUMPUS D3M3R1TS FOR 1NV1T1NG UNCOUTH R4BBL3 1NTO H3R ORD3RLY BLOCK***

**CAC: :33 :((**

**CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CTA: ii already told KK what ii thought about thii2 awful iidea.**

**CTA: iit ju2t make2 NO 2en2e, you can count me out.**

**CTA: you all can troll the2e iincompetent aliien2 all you want, iit won't change anythiing.**

**CTA: ii'll ju2t be over here waiitiing two diie wiith diigniity, ok well maybe iit'2 two late for that, but ju2t diie ii gue22, and y'all can 2uck iit biitche2.**

**CGC: TH3 M4G1STR4T3 FROM TH3 D3L1C1OUS 4PPL3B3RRY JUR1SD1CT1ON M4K3S 4N 3XC3LL3NT PO1NT 4BOUT TH3 OV3R4LL SH1TT1N3SS OF TH3 PROPOS1T1ON**

**CGC: 4ND 4BOUT M4N4G1NG TO B3 4N 3V3N GRUMP13R P41N 1N TH3 4SS TH4N OUR F34RL3SS L34D3R SOM3HOW**

**CTA: ii don't get why you're RP'iing about thii2, iit doe2n't make 2en2e, you're all out of your fuckiing 2ponge2.**

**CTA: why don't you ju2t u2e our name2.**

**CGC: :O**

**CGC** **banned ****CTA** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned ****CTA** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: OK SORRY 4BOUT TH4T**

**CGC: THOLLLLUUUUUUXXXXTHHHH**

**CGC: TH3R3 4R3 YOU H4PPY**

**CTA: whatever.**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 4 [PCG4]** **4 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG4: YOU BASTARD, IS IT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK TO TAKE A FEW TOOLS OUT BEHIND THE GRUBSHED.**

**PCG4: ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IS HASSLE SOME ALIENS, GOD.**

**PCG4: AFTER ALL THOSE TIMES I SAVED YOUR LIFE YOU THINK YOU COULD DO ME ONE LITTLE SOLID.**

**CTA: yeah after you got me kiilled iin the fiir2t place.**

**PCG4: HOW CAN YOU THROW THAT IN MY FACE AGAIN, I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL.**

**CTA: ii 2aiid whatever.**

**CGC: UUUGH**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG4** **from responding to memo. **

**CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CAA: i will n0t be participating**

**CAA** **ceased responding to memo. **

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 5 [PCG5]** **3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG5: OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW.**

**PCG5: THAT'S IT GUYS, THE PLAN IS CANCELED.**

**PCG5: ARADIA ISN'T GOING TO MOPE AT THESE LOSERS FOR US, THE WHOLE PLAN HINGED ON THAT.**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG5** **from responding to memo. **

**CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CCC: I still don't quite understand t)(e plan eit)(er.**

**CCC: I mean, I don't really mind talking to t)(em! It could be fun and t)(ey look interesting.**

**CCC: But I really don't t)(ink t)(is is all t)(eir fault.**

**CCC: Can't we say nice t)(ings to t)(em instead of troll t)(em?**

**CCC: Maybe even )(-ELP t)(em! 38)**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 6 [PCG6]** **2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG6: NO, FUCK.**

**PCG6: YOU CAN'T BE NICE TO THEM.**

**PCG6: YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE GLUBBING POINT, FISH PRINCESS.**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG6** **from responding to memo. **

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 7 [PCG7]** **2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG7: HEY TEREZI I'M ABOUT TO MAKE THIS AWESOME SPEECH AND INSPIRE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU GUYS.**

**PCG7: WHEN I'M DONE I'M COMING OVER TO YOUR STATION AND THEN YOUR ASS IS MINE.**

**PCG7: ENJOY THIS GARBAGE DUMP OF A MEMO WHILE IT LASTS.**

**CGC: BL444444R XO**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG7** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: TH1S 1S WHY W3 C4NT H4V3 N1C3 TH1NGS**

**CGC: 1M T3MPT3D TO CLOS3 TH1S M3MO NOW :\**

**CGC: 1F 4NYON3 H4S 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y S4Y 1T QU1CK!**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 8 [PCG8]** **2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**CGC** **banned ****PCG8** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: NOT YOU**

**PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC]** **420 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PTC: YeAh iM NoT FoLlOwInG ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN PlAn uP At aLl**

**PTC: wHo aRe wE TrOlLiNg**

**CGC: G4MZ33 TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 W33KS 1N TH3 FUTUR3**

**CGC: 1T DO3S NOT CONC3RN YOU!**

**PTC: oH**

**PTC: WeLl mOtHeR FuCk i gUeSs**

**CGC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T :P**

**CGC: JUST SCROLL 4ROUND 4ND LOOK FOR ON3 OF TH3 RRPT OP3N CH4T M3MOS**

**PTC: oKaY**

**PTC: HoNk :o)**

**CGC: LKSD;GDKNLN**

**CGC: ASDM SDFSFD9W30**

**CGC: DFD;**

**CGC: GH**

**CGC: EUHFHSDKLNVSDJKLSJKBSDJKF**

**PTC: wHoA**

**CGC: K4RK4T IS M4SHING MY K3YBOSDVFDNFLBLGBGSDGFSB['A**

**CGC: AKJFA**

**CGC: SEUFHWEUIONDN**

**CGC: AUIHDF**

**CGC: SDSAD**

**CGC: 4444UGH H3 1S SUCH 4 L1TTL3SDKJGBSDJKBG**

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC: FUUUUUUUUCK!**

**CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CCG: OH NOW WHAT'S UP?**

**CGC: GOD D4MM1T H3 LOGG3D ON TO MY COMPURO3IHHGRNVNFSDKS'SD**

**CGC: 4ND H3S ST1LL M4SH1NG M3! :[**

**CGC: SDKLFSDK FHS**

**CGC: YUGUFY**

**CGC: G3T OFF!SFBSDJB**

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CCG: WHY ARE YOU BANNING YOURSELF TEREZI?**

**CCG: PRETTY FUCKING MENTAL IF YOU ASK ME.**

**CCG: REALLY FUCKED UP OF YOFDIHFNGNJKGLJS**

**CCG: ASKJSKF89UG**

**CCG: YDRHHGH**

**CCG: WEFOWEGWLKNGNIOV**

**CCG: SDIJS**

**CCG** **banned himself from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned himself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned himself from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned himself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned himself from responding to memo. **

**CCG: OK QUIT THADJKNFSDK**

**CCG: FUCK OW GOD DAMFFJKSNFBGB**

**CCG: OW! FUCKALKLKDNJJV**

**CGC: 1 4M GO1NG TO SH4RP3N YOUR STUP1D LOOK1NG NUBBY HORNS 1N YOUR SL33P!**

**CGC: TH3N TH4TS WH4T W1LL B3 UP, BY3 BY3 NUBS**

**CCG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST FILE THEM ALL THE WAY DOWN.**

**CCG: SINCE YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO EMASCULATE ME IN FRONT OF MY TEAM.**

**CGC: W1LL YOU G1V3 YOUR BOR1NG L34D3R COMPL3X 4 R3ST FOR ONC3**

**CGC: 1TS G3TT1NG SO OLD!**

**CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CAG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**CAG: You are 8oth ridiculous.**

**CCG: HEY VRISKA, YOU'RE DOWN WITH MY TROLLING PLAN.**

**CCG: WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYONE IN RAINBOW ASSGRAB JUNCTION WHAT A GREAT IDEA IT IS.**

**CAG: I'm 8usy.**

**CCG: WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU BE BUSY WITH?**

**CAG: I'm making my own plans! I'm a pretty 8ig deal, remem8er Karkat?**

**CGC: 1T LOOKS L1K3 YOU FORGOT HOW M4NY 1RONS SH3 H4S 1N TH3 F1R3**

**CAG: Exactly!**

**CCG: WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT GOING ALONG WITH MY SIMPLE PLAN TO SERVE A FEW PINK SKINNED DOUCHE BAGS A PIPING HOT NUTRITION PLATEAU FULL OF FUCK YOU.**

**CGC: M4YB3 W3 W1LL BUT W3 4LL JUST K1ND OF W4NT TO DO OUR OWN TH1NG!**

**CCG: THERE IS A WORD FOR THAT, IT IS CALLED GROSS INSUBORDINATION.**

**CGC: TH4TS TWO WORDS R3T4RD :P**

**CAG: Do you guys realize you are sharing a key8oard and taking turns to argue with each other?**

**CAG: That is kind of cute. ::::)**

**CTA: yeah ii hate to 2ay iit, but iit really 2ort of ii2.**

**CCG: OK FUCK THIS.**

**CCG: EVERYONE IS OFFICIALLY BANNED FROM THIS TRAIN WRECK.**

**CCG** **banned ****CAG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****PTC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CCC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CAA** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CTA** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CAC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO!**

**CCG: WHOOPS :[**

**CGC: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO!**

**CGC: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID.**

**CGC: SHIT. D:B**

**CCG: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID.**

**CGC: F1N3 1 W1LL JUST SHUT TH3 M3MO DOWN**

**CGC: SO YOU W1LL G3T TH3 H3LL OUT OF H3R3!**

**CCG: FINE, I'M GONE.**

**CCG** **banned himself from responding to memo. **

**CGC: UUUUUUUUUUUGH**

**FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC]** **6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FGC: H3Y!**

**CGC: OH H3Y!**

**FGC: 1 JUST THOUGHT 1 WOULD 4DD ON3 L4ST R3M4RK TO TH1S S1LL1N3SS**

**FGC: 4 R3M4RK OF R34SSUR4NC3!**

**CGC: OHH :?**

**FGC: Y3S, YOU SHOULD TROLL TH3 HUM4NS**

**FGC: 1T W1LL B3 FUN :]**

**CGC: W3LL, W3 BOTH KNOW TH4T 1 W4S PL4NN1NG TO 4NYW4Y**

**FGC: OF COURS3! 1 TRUST YOUR JUDGM3NT ON TH3 M4TT3R**

**FGC: JUST H3R3 TO S4Y YOU WONT R3GR3T 1T**

**CGC: TH4T 1S N1C3 TO KNOW!**

**CGC: 1 TRUST YOUR JUDGM3NT 4S W3LL**

**FGC: Y3S!**

**FGC: 4NOTH3R TR1UMPH OF SOUND JUDGM3NT 4ND GOOD T1M3S FOR T34M PYROP3 4ND TH3 LOY4L SUBSCR1B3RS OF R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN**

**CGC: HOOR4Y! :D**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING SICK.**

**CGC** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **closed memo. **


	73. Book 5 Chapter 10: John's Return

Chapter 10: John's Return

A sleeping John Egbert on a rocket board crashed into some rocks, ripped through the caution tape, and landed somewhere on LOWAS. A couple of fireflies landed on top of him.

Vriska Serket looked at the boy in disdain. She needed him to wake up. She attempted to use her mind control powers, struggling to push her influence far enough to reach him.

It was no use. It seemed her abilities could not cross between sessions. Or could not influence his species. Or both. Or _maybe_ she just wasn't trying hard enough!

She wondered what the goofball was dreaming about. Too bad these stupid viewports couldn't see into dreams. This software _sucked_!

Dream John walked across the wreckage of the Battlefield, the bunny close in tow. He looked out into the distance and suddenly saw his father and a lady with a pink scarf. They were walking in the same direction as him, just further away.

"Dad!" John called, and Mr. Egbert spun on his heels.

"John," he called, holding his arms open to embrace the boy. They looked at each other happily for a second, then John leaped across the gap in the Battlefield towards him.

Just as John was about to reach the other side, he vanished, the ring that had been on his finger falling down the gap.

Dad Egbert's shoulders slumped, and tears began to well up in his eyes.

"Hey," Rose's Mom said, holding out a flask. She was seated on a hill a few feet off. "Drink this. You'll feel better."

Vriska tried harder to wake John up. It took all of her concentration, but finally it worked and John sat up. Someone was trolling him.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]**

**AG: Joooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooohn!**

**AG: W8ke up!**

**EB: heheh. i am pronouncing that like a really long "june".**

**EB: that is so many o's.**

**AG: It is 8ight groups of 8ight. I specifically counted them.**

**AG: It's sort of a thing I do.**

**EB: you typed my name in 64 bit.**

**AG: Wow. What a nerd!**

**EB: have i talked to you before?**

**AG: Um, possi8ly? This is the first time I have contacted you that I am aware of.**

**EB: i'm pretty sure i remember you. you hassled me a long time ago.**

**EB: i think you threatened to kill me at some point.**

**AG: John, give me a 8r8k! That was o8viously just my way of getting to know you.**

**AG: Or it will 8e, whenever I get around to it.**

**EB: well, yeah, i know that about you guys by now.**

**EB: but also i know that it is probably not exactly an empty threat!**

**EB: since one of you already managed to trick me into getting myself killed.**

**EB: well, in another timeline at least.**

**AG: Man.**

**AG: That was pro8a8ly Terezi! I should have known she would pull something like that. What a meddler.**

**EB: terezi?**

**AG: Yes. The pesky 8lind troll who licks her monitor and smells words and stuff. The one who got you killed. I'm sure of it!**

**EB: huh. it never really occurred to me to ask what your names are.**

**EB: kinda rude of me!**

**EB: what is yours?**

**AG: Marquise Spinneret Mindfang. ::::)**

**EB: man, that sounds so made up!**

**EB: but if you say so, marquise.**

**AG: Spinneret! Marquise is a title, stupid.**

**EB: oh, ok.**

**AG: And you don't have to worry a8out me manipul8ting you to your death!**

**AG: It is completely 8eneath me. Unlike her, I plan on taking the high road.**

**AG: You see John, you and I actually have some things in common, 8ut you couldn't possi8ly understand why yet.**

**AG: So I'm planning on helping you!**

**EB: ok, i will be sure to let my guard down.**

**EB: psyche!**

**EB: oh damn, that was 9 !'s.**

**EB: !1**

**EB: shit!**

**EB: never mind.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha.**

**EB: anyway, nice meeting you spinneret.**

**EB: if you don't mind, i would like to try to go back to sleep.**

**EB: i was dreaming about something important.**

**AG: You can't sleep now, John!**

**AG: What a8out J8de?**

**EB: oh god, i forgot!**

**EB: poor jade... :(**

**EB: i hope she is alright.**

**AG: She's fine. I can see her right now!**

**AG: 8ut she will not 8e for long if you don't get her into your session.**

**EB: yeah, you're right.**

**EB: i have to hurry and go save her!**

**EB: see ya!**

**AG: Wait!**

**AG: Where the hell do you think you're going to go? You don't even have your copy of the game yet!**

**EB: oh yeah...**

**EB: duh, stupid stupid dumb.**

**EB: do you know where i am supposed to get it?**

**AG: Easy! Just w8 around for a few minutes.**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: ok?**

**AG: See, John? You need me to advance.**

**AG: Even though you were going to do this stuff anyway, it turns out I am the reason you were going to do it anyway in the first place!**

**AG: Your timeline is my we8, and suddenly you are all tangled up in it, wriggling and helpless.**

**AG: Isn't that cooooooool?**

**EB: meh.**

**EB: so, you seem to like 8's a whole bunch, and i guess you are like, kind of spidery themed or something?**

**AG: Yeah!**

**EB: haha, spiders are gross!**

**AG: Fuck you!**

After w8ng around for a few minutes, the server envelope flew out of a Parcel Pyxis and landed in John's hands. He finally had the copy of the SBURB beta. Yeah!

Bec transported Jade to safety and she landed, still on her bed. Her lunchtop, some squiddles, and a manthro chap or two, surrounded her. John began pestering her, but before she could answer, she fell asleep in a sudden fit of narcolepsy.

Back on the Battlefield, WV stood in a river that had once only contained water. Now the clear liquid was tainted with blood. Everyone was dead. Except him.

The rag of souls he was wearing began to soak in the blood of the fallen. He supposed it could be poetic. No, instead he thought it was just sad. He'd been very foolish to believe he could be a leader of men. Look at what bearing that flag had wrought. Perhaps one day he'd find something new to bear; a burden befitting of the peasant he truly was.

Oh my, what was that shiny thing in the water? Some kind of ring, it looked like.

**EB: jade is not answering!**

**EB: are you sure she's ok?**

**AG: She's asleep!**

**AG: She sure seems to sleep a lot. She sort of reminds me of my goo8er teamm8.**

**AG: He napped through most of the adventure, and was practically useless.**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: you mean carcino geneticist?**

**AG: Hahahaha, no way! Karkat is so up tight, he hardly slept a wink over the whole 600 hour span of our quest.**

**AG: He didn't even wake up on the moon until AFTER we won the game, hahahahahahahaha.**

**AG: What a loser.**

**EB: heheh. car cat. that is how i am saying that.**

**EB: beep beep, meow!**

**EB: i will have to remember to give him a hard time about that.**

**AG: John, you are pretty weird! I can see why you would piss him off so much.**

**EB: it is really not hard to do that.**

**AG: Tell me a8out it!**

**AG: Speaking of telling me a8out things...**

**AG: Why don't you tell me what you were just dreaming a8out that was so important, fellow Prospit dreamer?**

**AG: Prospit is the 8est. Derse is where all the rejects hang out. Am I right?**

**EB: i never even saw prospit.**

**EB: aside from flaming bits and pieces of it i guess.**

**EB: something happened, and it blew up, and dream jade died, and then i was wandering around this place that was like a chess board with a huge crater in it, with loads of dead black and white guys everywhere.**

**AG: Yes, I know all that! That place is the 8attlefield, which is where your dream self lives now. You will appear there any time you go to sleep.**

**AG: Prospit dreamers are supposed to end up there eventually. If they're any good, that is. ::::)**

**AG: 8ut you got there so much sooner. Normally a dreamer's journey to the 8attlefield will not 8e so spectacularly sudden and violent. Meteoric, if you will!**

**EB: oh, huh.**

**AG: 8ut you didn't answer my question! What was so important that you wanted to go 8ack to sleep again for?**

**EB: my dad was there.**

**AG: What's that?**

**EB: um, you know...**

**EB: my guardian?**

**AG: Oh, you mean the adult male human who lived in your hive?**

**EB: yes. if by hive you mean house.**

**AG: Haha, I was wondering a8out that. I was like, what the hell is this guy doing in this kid's hive? Where is his lusus? Is he an orphan contending with some sort of meddlesome grownup squatter?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: these observations are very alien of you.**

**EB: but that's pretty cool i guess, seeing as you are an alien.**

**AG: Yes, I just chalked it up as generic alien weirdness and didn't think too much a8out it. Just another series of strange exhi8its from an inferior civiliz8tion.**

**EB: the funny thing is, he is not even really my dad.**

**EB: i mean, i was adopted by him, although we are not actually unrelated, i think.**

**EB: he is the son of my grandmother, who isn't really my grandmother...**

**EB: nanna is sort of like my biological mother, and my biological father would be jade's grandpa, sorta.**

**EB: both of which i just created, with slime and stuff, and sent back in time as babies.**

**EB: so i guess, if anything, that makes my dad...**

**EB: my half brother?**

**AG: ::::\**

**EB: tell me about it!**

John got back in the rocket board and began to blast off back to his hive… I mean house.

**AG: W8! 8efore you wander too far off course like a doofus, you need to know how to get to a return node!**

**AG: So you can get 8ack to your computer. Here, hang on, I am making you a map.**

**EB: but i know where i'm going!**

**EB: terezi already made me a map.**

**AG: What!**

**EB: first she made a really crappy one, then a really nice one that works kind of like google.**

**EB: she started helping me after she tried to kill me.**

**AG: Ugh. She is still trying to one up me I see. Even preempting my awesome helpfulness!**

**AG: When did she do that? I mean from my perspective? Do you think she already did it, or hasn't done it yet?**

**EB: wow, how could i possibly know that!**

**AG: I don't know. Forget it.**

**AG: I will show her though. I will show her the meaning of helpfulness.**

**AG: I will help this little human nerd under the ta8le. The very same ta8le you dined at, while I w8ted on you prong and fucking nu8.**

**EB: you mean like a candle light hate date?**

**AG: God, no! With a human? Gross.**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: well then, thanks, i guess?**

**EB: why do you want to be so helpful, anyway?**

**EB: i mean, with her i got the sense she was being kind of jokestery about it, which is something i can understand.**

**EB: but why bother helping, if we aren't going to win anyway?**

**AG: You won't win? Says who?**

**EB: you guys.**

**EB: it is practically all you ever say.**

**AG: Well, ok yes, you are screwed. And so are we.**

**AG: 8ut so what!**

**AG: Just 8ecause you are going to fail doesn't mean it won't 8e any fun along the way!**

**AG: 8y the looks of things, you have a very exciting 24 hours ahead of you.**

**AG: It'll 8e one hell of a reckoning!**

**EB: that is nice to know.**

**AG: Yes, and 8esides. Continuing on this path and 8ringing Jade into the game I think you will agree is very important! **

**AG: And not just 8ecause she is your friend and you would 8e kind of upset if she died. **

**AG: Again. **

**EB: yes, i think i would be.**

**EB: but why else?**

**AG: 8ecause you need to complete your prototyping chain! **

**AG: Only when all players have entered with a prototyped kernel does the 8attlefield assume its final form. **

**AG: That form prepares Skaia to grow the new universe you will cre8te. **

**AG: Or in this case, fail to cre8te. 8ut whatever! **

**AG: That is no reason to deter you from completing worthwhile game o8jectives. **

**EB: we are supposed to create a universe?**

**AG: Yeah! You didn't realize that yet? **

**EB: no!**

**AG: 8oy. How clueless can you get. **

**EB: why are we supposed to do that?**

**AG: What a stupid question! It is the point of the game. It's what happens when you win, and winning is the only point of anything. **

**EB: oh. that's true, i guess.**

**AG: Anyway, you should 8e glad it's the point. And you should 8e glad your predecessors were not such a sad sack group of players like you guys. **

**AG: Otherwise your universe would not exist, seeing as we cre8ted it 8y 8eing incredi8le in every way. **

**EB: you did?**

**AG: Yep. You're welcome. ::::D **

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: i don't know what to think about that.**

**AG: Not knowing what to think a8out things appears to 8e your specialty! **

**EB: hurrrrr oh man what a burn!**

**EB: (j/k it was actually lame.)**

**AG: ::::P **

**EB: well to be honest, i never really believed any of your guys's doom and gloom nonsense.**

**EB: not because i think you are lying...**

**EB: i just feel like there must still be a way to win!**

**AG: That's the spirit, John! **

**AG: That is a winner's attitude, and there is always hope for someone who has that. **

**EB: yes, i agree.**

**EB: also, there is always hope for someone who has good friends to count on!**

**AG: Pff. **

**AG: Laaaaaaaame.**

John flew through past a throng of bubble-blowing salamanders to the gate back to his room. He landed in the midst of three imps. His computer monitor lay broken on the floor amidst shards of glass from the obliterated window. His desk had been completely upturned.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMPS!" John said angrily, shaking his fist at the miserable creatures. "That is IT! EVERYBODY OUT! I am _dead serious_!" The imps left the room, quaking with fear. "Will you look at this mess!" he fumed. "Will you just _look_ at this slightly bigger than usual mess?"

He looked out the window. The imps had chucked his computer out the window, the little oily bastards. He'd have to get his hands on a new one somehow.

John looked at his posters. The imps had ripped them apart. This was just insult to injury. He almost wanted to cry.

Just look at that ruined Nick Cage face. A sad face. A forlorn face. A buzzing face… no, actually, that was his PDA.

**AG: John, why are you standing around wasting time?**

**EB: um, i don't know. you can see my future, can't you?**

**EB: how much time am i wasting?**

**AG: Enough to make me wonder what the hell your deal is!**

**EB: then i would venture to guess i am wasting time because you chose to pester me just now!**

**AG: Dammit, John.**

**AG: Stop sounding smarter than me. It is un8ecoming of someone so inferior.**

**EB: i mean, i was just pausing for a moment...**

**EB: to look at my trashed movie posters.**

**EB: they bring back memories, of a life that i guess is long gone now.**

**EB: but you probably know what that is all about.**

**AG: Yeah, I know.**

**EB: it wasn't even that long ago, but it already seems like forever since i was on earth!**

**EB: it was a pretty nice place, i bet you would have liked it.**

**AG: It seems a little too sunny for my liking.**

**EB: well, what about you? do you miss your planet, and your parents and such?**

**AG: The life I left 8ehind wasn't so hot, to 8e honest.**

**EB: oh. that's too bad.**

**AG: Why don't we not talk a8out that!**

**AG: What are these movies, anyway? They look just awful.**

**EB: but you see, that is where you are wrong. these films are the finest earth has to offer!**

**AG: Are they a8out clowns?**

**EB: no, no. i drew those clowns in my sleep, for some reason.**

**AG: ::::|**

**EB: this one here is so great. it is about this street tough renegade who did hard time behind bars, and wants nothing more in the world than to reunite with his loving wife and daughter. but not so fast! he has to go on crazy and dangerous escapades through the sky with a motley assortment of rogues led by john malkovich, who is wise to cage's heroic nature and pure heart. they tether a grumpy police man's awesome car to the plane and smash it, and then later they crash into some casinos. cage gets out of the wreckage and hugs his family, and i usually tear up a little.**

**EB: that is my working troll title for the movie, i hope it was ok.**

**AG: John, even though your title is quite amusing and pro8a8ly kind of cute, that movie sounds hilariously 8ad!**

**EB: yeah, well you are hilariously WRONG!**

**EB: here, hang on, i will show you.**

**EB: **** /hullohumminburr**

**EB: oh, but you will probably have to use your troll thingy to rewind time or whatever, to before the earth internet blew up so you can watch it.**

**AG: Is this like the Earth equivalent of Gru8tu8e or something?**

**EB: i guess?**

**AG: Man. I am not watching this shitty video. It looks so 8ad!**

**EB: ok, suit yourself.**

**EB: but there it is, in case you are ever hankering after some incredible movie magic.**

**AG: Ok, I will 8e sure 8ookmark it and la8el it "dum8 kid's retarded nonsense."**

**EB: ok, good idea.**

**AG: 8y the way! Why aren't you using your computer glasses to talk suddenly?**

**AG: This device seems less efficient, and doesn't look as cool!**

**EB: oh, the goggles are cool and all, but they kind of restrict my vision stupidly when i'm using them!**

**EB: i should remember to make a new hands-free device, that is less obtrusive.**

**EB: maybe after i make a new computer so i can install this game.**

**AG: How will you duplic8 it? Isn't it smashed out there on your lawnring? **

**EB: yeah, but i can use one of my old previously punched cards.**

**AG: Oh, gr8. **

**AG: Uh... **

**AG: John? **

**EB: what?**

**AG: Ok, I will slide you a 8r8k 8ecause clearly your 8lock was just ransacked. **

**AG: 8ut may8e you want to put that away? Somewhere discreet, where you usually keep it? **

**AG: There is at least one girl spying on you right now, you know. **

**EB: put what away? what are you talking about?**

**AG: Your pail is showing, stupid!**

John walked over to the bucket on the ground. It had once contained water that Nannaquin had dumped on his head.

**EB: my pail?**

**EB: you mean this bucket here?**

**AG: Yes! Come on, will you take a hint and show some decorum?**

**EB: umm...**

**EB: i'm really not following. what do you have against buckets?**

**AG: Man! Nothing, really. It's just...**

**AG: Ok, may8e humans don't really have any sense of shame over this sort of thing?**

**EB: shame over what?**

**EB: it's just a bucket! you know, for putting soapy water in and cleaning stuff with.**

**EB: why, what do trolls use them for?**

**AG: Oh.**

**AG: Haha, yeah, of course!**

**AG: That's what I was talking a8out. Your cleaning 8ucket.**

**AG: In troll culture we consider cleaning products to 8e really indecent or something!**

**AG: I am 8lushing furiously a8out it right now. Please try to 8e sensitive to my cultural ways and understandings.**

**EB: wow... uh. that is definitely pretty odd.**

**EB: but ok, i'm sorry you saw my bucket. i will just chuck it out the window i guess.**

**AG: Thank you, John. That is very gentlemanly of you.**

**AG: Now will you quit shitting around and get on with it! God.**

**EB: well i was GOING to but you started babbling at me!**

**EB: jeez, spinneret.**

**AG: That isn't my real name, you dope!**

**EB: ok, then what is it!**

**AG: I ain't telling you that!**

**AG: It's a sekret. :::;)**

**EB: *ROLLS EYES***

**EB: all eight gross spidery eyes!**

**EB: oops i mean !x8.**

**AG: You don't even need to say that. I can see you rolling your eyes, remem8er?**

**EB: oh yeah.**

John tossed the sordid receptacle out the window and went out to his balcony. What a surprise, more lousy imps having their way with the place. He wondered where Nanna could be. Someone needed to get this motley assortment of rogues under control.

Now what in the hell was going on over there? One of the imps held a broom in both hands. John had got to get rid of the embarrassing cleaning apparatus before Sekret Spinneret or whatever her name was saw it and got upset.

"Get that shit outta here!" he yelled, and kicked the imp in the face. The underling and the broom went sailing off the edge. Sheesh. Being culturally sensitive was really hard work.

John looked up and gasped. His house had nearly octupled in size since he'd last seen it. Someone's server player had been busy.

**- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**EB: hey rose!**

**TT: Hi.**

**EB: how are you doing? i don't even remember the last time we talked.**

**EB: i have been so busy.**

**EB: and it looks like you have been too.**

**EB: i mean, hopy shit!**

**EB: my house is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!**

**TT: Actually, building up your house has been one of the more trivial ways I've passed the time.**

**TT: Great swaths of the structure may be copied and pasted with little architectural consideration.**

**TT: I've only bothered to do so while in contemplation.**

**TT: It's relaxing.**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: well, it must have cost a fortune!**

**TT: We have a lot of grist.**

**EB: how much?**

**TT: I don't recall any hard figures off hand.**

**TT: Last I checked, more than a million units of several different types.**

**TT: Torrented between the three of us.**

**EB: torrented?**

**TT: Shared, through an application.**

**TT: I unlocked the disc from your registry, and deployed it.**

**TT: I convinced your nanna to install it on your computer.**

**TT: Before an imp threw it out the window, that is.**

**EB: you got her to do that? but she's an old lady! also, a ghost.**

**TT: My methods of persuasion have been improving.**

**EB: also, she is really tricky, and plays lots of pranks.**

**EB: did she try to prank you?**

**TT: No.**

**EB: huh.**

**EB: i guess you enjoyed the prankster's gambit on that exchange then.**

**TT: ?**

**EB: oh yeah...**

**EB: what's up with the alchemiter?**

**EB: it looks weird.**

**TT: Upgrades.**

**EB: did you get nanna to do that too?**

**TT: No, your consorts were utilized for that.**

**EB: the salamanders?**

**TT: Yes. They seem eager to receive simple instruction.**

**TT: I'm guessing they find their way back to your house to allow the client player to remain productive while the server player is away.**

**EB: they aren't very smart...**

**TT: No, they aren't.**

**EB: i'm surprised they even understand what to do.**

**TT: Like I said.**

**TT: Coercion hasn't been much of a problem.**

**EB: yeah...**

**EB: uh...**

**EB: what exactly does that mean?**

**EB: what have you been doing this whole time?**

**TT: Why don't you tell me what you've been up to first?**

**TT: I've been curious, but too preoccupied to inquire.**

**EB: well,**

**EB: i have been talking to a lot of trolls, for one thing.**

**EB: they sure are a talkative bunch!**

**TT: I've noticed.**

**EB: and then i cloned some slime babies in the veil.**

**TT: Did you?**

**EB: yes. um...**

**EB: ok, long story short is, jade is my slime clone sister, and dave is your slime clone brother, and we were all born today!**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: yes?**

**TT: I figured that out.**

**EB: oh.**

**TT: Anything else?**

**EB: umm...**

**EB: then i fell asleep, and woke up on the battlefield.**

**EB: oh!**

**EB: rose, i am fairly sure i saw your mom!**

**TT: You did?**

**TT: Are you sure it was her?**

**EB: well, it was a nice and proper looking lady, with a pink scarf, so...**

**EB: i dunno, who else would that be!**

**TT: That was likely her.**

**TT: How was she?**

**EB: fine, i guess...**

**EB: she was with my dad.**

**TT: That's interesting.**

**EB: yeah!**

**TT: Did she seem happy?**

**EB: happy?**

**EB: wow, i dunno.**

**EB: i don't really know her well enough to say, i guess?**

**EB: plus, i was a little distracted.**

**EB: maybe i will find out next time i go to sleep.**

**TT: Fair enough.**

**EB: now stop being so spookily mysterious and tell me what you've been doing!**

**TT: Investigating, mostly.**

**EB: investigating what?**

**TT: Everything there is to investigate.**

**TT: Information hidden in the lore of our lands, concealed in ruins and riddles.**

**TT: I'm looking for whatever there is to discover about the game, and more importantly, whatever exceeds its boundaries.**

**TT: The cloaked traces of myth beyond its scope.**

**EB: its scope?**

**EB: oh, rose, did you know that we are supposed to be creating a universe with this game?**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: i think that's pretty neat!**

**TT: It is, in principle.**

**TT: But it won't happen.**

**EB: so you believe the trolls then?**

**TT: It's not a matter of believing them.**

**TT: The writing is on the wall. Literally.**

**EB: it is?**

**TT: This session was never meant to bear fruit.**

**TT: It's barren, so to speak.**

**EB: that's a bit of a bummer!**

**EB: i am still skeptical about that, though.**

**TT: That's why you're our leader, John.**

**EB: huh?**

**TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is a defect not everyone is lucky enough to be cursed with.**

**EB: that's stupid.**

**EB: i'm not your leader, i am your FRIEND, there is a BIG difference!**

**TT: Statements like that are also why you're our leader.**

**EB: pff.**

**EB: laaaaaaaame.**

**TT: Yes, kind of.**

**EB: so, if you're sure that we are going to fail...**

**EB: what is the point of everything we're doing?**

**TT: Simple.**

**TT: The objective is no longer to win.**

**EB: um...**

**EB: i mean, what are we actually shooting for here?**

**TT: To do as much damage to the game as possible.**

**TT: To rip its stitches and pry answers from the seams.**

**TT: We will snatch purpose from the jaws of futility.**

**TT: Are you ready to wreak some havoc, John?**

**EB: i suddenly don't understand anything.**


	74. Book 5 Chapter 11: The Horseshitometer

Chapter 11: Kanaya's Horseshitometer

A pink turtle consort quaked with fear, a drop of sweat dripping down its face, as Rose walked by. She wore a long black dress with a white squiddle skull on it and a pink scarf, which she'd tied around her waist.

She held her hand behind her. "Salamancer. Wand, please." The salamander handed it to her. He (unless she was a she or not of any gender at all) was wearing a black cape with a hood that obscured most of his face. He also wore a purple striped scarf around his neck.

"Thank you, Viceroy," she said graciously. In her opinion, it was way more dramatic relying on a familiar than a boring old sylladex.

Before her was a large platform, upon which rested a pink castle of some sort. Rose raised her wand and the platform began to rise out of the rainbow water.

The pink turtle began to sweat even more as other turtles flew around it in a large whirlwind.

Someone began trolling her. Oh great, what did this girl want? Couldn't she see that Rose was in the middle of something?

**- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **- **

**GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This**

**GA: But Actually**

**GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd**

**GA: And Somehow**

**GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least**

**GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach**

**GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand**

**TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya.**

**GA: Okay Sorry**

**GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say**

**GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide**

Kanaya stood on the meteor, somewhere near Nepeta and Sollux. This was in a different game session. In the past. She stepped over to her computer, which was next to Vriska's, and bothered Karkat.

**grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**GA: Your Speech Was Really**

**GA: Emotional**

**CG: OK I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED YOU BUSTING MY BULGE ABOUT THE SPEECH NOW.**

**CG: I'VE TAKEN ENOUGH SHIT. I GOT A LITTLE WORKED UP OK?**

**CG: AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, WHY DON'T YOU COME SAY IT TO MY FACE.**

**CG: I'M FED UP WITH THESE BACK DOOR NOOKBITING SHENANIGANS.**

**GA: I Dont Mean To Critique Your Speech**

**GA: I Just Wanted To Ask You Something In Confidence**

**GA: About The Humans**

**CG: OK, WHAT IS IT?**

**GA: Are You Sure Theyre Responsible For Our Misfortune**

**CG: YES. THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.**

**GA: Was It On Account Of Malice Or Incompetence**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BOTH?**

**CG: WHY DOES IT MATTER.**

**GA: It Sort Of Does**

**GA: Im Not Even That Sure Why**

**GA: This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach**

**GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand**

**CG: GOD DAMMIT.**

**CG: NO MORE MYSTERIES, PLEASE.**

**CG: YOU'D THINK WE'D HAD OUR FILL OF THEM BY NOW.**

**CG: IF I HAVE TO SOLVE ONE MORE RIDDLE, I'M GOING TO...**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW.**

**GA: Will Your Response Involve An Athletic Maneuver Of Some Sort**

**CG: NO**

**CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT.**

**CG: I WILL JUST GO OVER THERE AND WEEP GENTLY IN THE HORN PILE.**

**CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?**

**GA: Um**

**CG: WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS**

**CG: THEY ARE ALL LUDICROUSLY INCOMPETENT.**

**CG: SOFT, PINK FRAGILE THINGS WHO DO NOTHING BUT WASTE TIME.**

**CG: THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HORNS!**

**GA: What**

**GA: Really**

**CG: YEAH, I WAS LIKE, WHOA DID THEY GET FILED DOWN OR SOMETHING**

**CG: BUT NO IT TURNS OUT THAT'S JUST HOW THEY ARE.**

**GA: Weird**

**CG: THEY'RE A MISERABLE POINTLESS CROP OF LIFEFORMS FROM A MEANINGLESS BORING PUSTULE OF A PLANET.**

**CG: IT'S INFURIATING THEY WERE SOMEHOW ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER US.**

**GA: It Is Pretty Disheartening**

**GA: But**

**GA: You Are Absolutely Sure They Are All Failures**

**GA: And That They Have No Chance Of Succeeding**

**CG: YEP.**

**CG: IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.**

**GA: Im Not Sure Which Depresses Me More**

**GA: The Sabotage Of Our Session Or The Futility Of Theirs**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: YOU'RE BEING REALLY WEIRD ABOUT THIS.**

**GA: Well I Havent Asked What I Wanted To Ask**

**CG: THEN ASK!**

**GA: Its About TentacleTherapist**

**CG: YEAH. THAT'S THE ROSE HUMAN.**

**CG: SHE'S APPARENTLY PRETTY SARCASTIC.**

**CG: IT'S IN MY NOTES.**

**GA: You Have Notes On Them**

**CG: YES.**

**GA: I Guess**

**GA: Thats Why Youre Our Leader Karkat**

**CG: NO, I'M YOUR LEADER BECAUSE OF MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO MOBILIZE AND MOTIVATE A BUNCH OF USELESS PEOPLE TOWARD A COMMON GOAL, AND BECAUSE I'M EXTREMELY AMBITIOUS AND INTREPID. ALSO BECAUSE LEADERSHIP IS IN MY BLOOD. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.**

**GA: Statements Like That Are Also Why Youre Our Leader**

**CG: OK, I'LL ACCEPT THAT.**

**GA: Have You Talked To Her**

**CG: WHO**

**GA: The Rose Human**

**GA: Also**

**GA: Do We Really Have To Say Things Like The Rose Human**

**CG: OF COURSE WE DO.**

**CG: IT SOUNDS SUITABLY DISDAINFUL.**

**CG: I MEAN, IF A BUNCH OF ALIENS STARTED HASSLING YOU, YOU WOULD EXPECT THEM TO ACT REALLY HIGH AND MIGHTY, AND SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY, RIGHT?.**

**CG: WHICH WE ARE, OF COURSE.**

**GA: Uh Okay**

**CG: AND NO, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER.**

**CG: I WILL PROBABLY STEER CLEAR OF HER FOR THE MOST PART.**

**CG: I HAVE MY SIGHTS SET ON THE JOHN HUMAN, AND PROBABLY ALSO THE JADE HUMAN, SHE'S A HUGE CULPRIT TOO.**

**GA: It Just**

**GA: Feels Really Silly When We Say Things Like The John Human In Confidence Amongst Ourselves**

**CG: WE HAVE TO COMMIT TO THIS. STAY IN CHARACTER, YOU KNOW?**

**CG: REMEMBER THE SPEECH.**

**GA: The Speech Has Become Emblazoned On My Think Pan**

**GA: Virtually Ensconced In The Fold Of My Personal Mythology**

**CG: DID YOU WANT TO TROLL HER? ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING?**

**CG: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GREAT, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.**

**GA: I Dont Know**

**GA: Im Not Sure If Ive Got It In Me Right Now**

**CG: COME ON. YOU'LL BE GREAT AT IT.**

**CG: PLEASE JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME. WE'VE GOT TO STAY COORDINATED ON THIS.**

**CG: TOO MANY OF THESE FUCKS ARE GOING ROGUE.**

**CG: LIKE WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING.**

**GA: Fine**

**CG: GREAT! THANKS KANAYA.**

**CG: I'LL EXPECT A FULL REPORT SOON.**

**GA: A Report About What**

**CG: LIKE**

**CG: HOW HASSLED YOU GOT HER TO BE**

**CG: BUT LESS STUPID SOUNDING THAN THAT.**

**GA: Is There A Metric For That Concept**

**CG: NO**

**CG: WELL THERE COULD BE**

**CG: WE CAN GAUGE YOUR RESULTS WITH THE "FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER".**

**GA: That Seems Just As Disparaging To Me As It Is To Her**

**CG: YEAH WELL**

**CG: USE IT AS MOTIVATION**

**CG: I GOTTA GET CRACKING HERE, LATER.**

Kanaya began trolling the Rose human, even though she wasn't really feeling this at all. She couldn't seem to figure out how to get the viewport feature to work. She muddled through the first conversation blind. Rose had not proven to be the intellectual adversary she'd anticipated. But this was no longer all that surprising, now knowing the true fate of the humans' team.

Nevertheless, Kanaya managed to find herself vehemently fondling the short end of the antagonism stick. The Flight Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer ticked a few notches in her favor. Her aggravation and curiosity were simultaneously piqued. She wished she could get a look at Rose.

She explained this frustration to Sollux and then threw her F1 key at him, hitting him on the head. The Gemini troll walked to her computer and opened the viewport. "There you are," he said.

There she was. The Rose girl. How underwhelming. No horns. Skin as white as a ghost! How did she manage to look in a mirror without falling asleep? Kanaya resumed her stance of alien complacency. The Snarky Horseshitometer ticked back in her favor.

She continued to spy on the Rose human. What was that nonsense she'd written on her walls? Why was the Totem Lathe sliced in half? The idiot! In truth, John had broken off the top of the Lathe when he burst in the side of Rose's hive, but Kanaya had no way of knowing this.

Suddenly, the Rose human opened her door wider and a pail fell onto her head. Oh dear god! This exhibit of depravity maxed out Kanaya's side of the Horseshitometer. She'd had this girl all wrong. Rose was an utter buffoon.

Kanaya covered her screen with her hand and looked around nervously. The only person nearby was Gamzee, who didn't even seem to care. The Horshitometer swung back to Rose's side, as she had inadvertently caused the troll to flush with the shame of one thousand cocoon-wetting children.

"You won this time, Lalonde," she whispered. She needed to put some distance between herself and that egregious display, so she jumped back in time to something that seemed simpler. It was probably better to mess with her earlier on the timeline rather than later anyway.

Rose appeared to be awaiting a name. "Hmm," Kanaya said, and then typed 'Flighty Broad' into her computer. Rose's face contorted in rage.

"Why, Ms. Lalonde," the troll said, "it does appear you have once again fallen out of favor with the Flighty Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer." She leaned closer to her computer. "Your move, therapist."

She turned around and caught Vriska staring at her. The spider troll shook her head, seemingly bemused, then looked back at her computer screen.

Kanaya rested her head on her hand. This was boring. Where was the challenge in teasing a mentally retarded alien girl? Her stupid walkthrough had probably been plagiarized from another more advanced civilization or something. Maybe bothering her friends would be more interesting.

**grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling ghostyTrickster ****[GT]**

**GA: Hello**

**GT: hi...?**

**GA: Allow Me To Make This Simple**

**GA: I Am A Troll From Another Universe Using A Chat Client Utility Which Is Capable Of Contacting You And Your Friends At Any Point Of Your Lives Which I Choose Up To And Including The Moment Of Your Own Incompetence Fueled Self Destruction**

**GA: Im Looking For Evidence Of Intelligence In Your Species**

**GA: A Reason**

**GA: Any Reason At All Really**

**GA: To Justify Wasting The Few Precious Remaining Moments Of My Life On You**

**GA: It Has Fallen On Your Shoulders To Supply Me With That Reason John Human**

**GA: Go**

**GT: ha ha, what?**

**GA: What Indeed**

**GA: I Was Just Leaving**

**GT: so you're a time traveler?**

**GA: No**

**GA: We Dont Actually Travel Through**

**GA: Uh**

**GA: Well**

**GA: Not All Of Us Do**

**GA: One Of Us Does Though**

**GA: Thats Not What We Are Talking About Here And Is Aside From The Point**

**GT: so let me see if i have this straight...**

**GT: you are a time traveling space alien from the future, sent here to study humans?**

**GA: No**

**GT: are you from mars? is it a mission of peace?**

**GA: No John You Werent Listening**

**GT: what does your time machine look like? a phone booth? phone booths are a popular thing for some reason.**

**GA: Damn It**

**GT: were you lured to earth by a huge gyroscopey thing that jodie foster piloted in contact, while matthew mcconaughey sort of acted as her spiritual guide i guess...**

**GA: What The Hell**

**GT: and then he kind of preached to her about having faith instead of believing in the sciences so hard all the time, and i guess in the end she believed him, maybe?**

**GT: actually, im not even sure what the point of mcconaughey was in that movie. but he was still awesome.**

**GT: and then jodie found her dad on an alien planet... but i think he was a ghost or something? or maybe an alien in disguise.**

**GT: and then she went home and nobody believed her, but you just KNOW mcconaughey believed her.**

**GT: because he had all the faith. and i mean ALL OF IT.**

**GT: anyway, does that have any applicability to your cosmic interstellar astrojourney?**

**GA: Okay Youre Even Dumber Than The Rose Human Thats Incredible Really**

**GT: pff, i know i'm dumber than rose, that is not much of a burn, dude!**

**GA: Im A Girl Not A Boy**

**GT: oh, sorry.**

**GT: i don't know why i thought you were.**

**GA: It Happens**

**GT: were you trolling rose too?**

**GT: TIME TRAVEL TROLLING?**

**GA: Yes As A Matter Of Fact**

**GT: oh boy, let me go put on my quantum space hat, and extra terrestrial adventure boots, and you can tell me all about it.**

**GA: If You Werent So Stupid Id Suspect You Were Being Insincere For The Benefit Of Your Amusement**

**GT: ha ha ha. i don't follow!**

**GA: I Just Spoke To Her In The Future**

**GA: Shes An Imbecile And Conveying How Much I Dislike Her At This Point Presents An Overwhelming Gauntlet Of Personal Expression**

**GA: But Regardless She Said To Paste Something From Our Conversation**

**GA: To Get You To Understand Whats Going On**

**GA: I Have Strong Doubts It Will Be Effective But Here Goes**

**GA: GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works**

**GA: GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like**

**GA: TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.**

**GA: TT: you look kind of like... **

**GA: TT: howie mandel from little monsters. **

**GA: TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster. **

**GA: TT: because he was a big goofy adult. **

**GA: TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick.**

**GA: GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest **

**GA: TT: no, it's a movie. **

**GA: TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is. **

**GT: hahaha! oh man, you blew it!**

**GT: now i know for sure you're trolling me. rose hates that movie.**

**GA: Are You Suggesting**

**GA: I Was Being Trolled**

**GA: That It Was A Charade Meant To Make Me Look Foolish**

**GT: possibly! i know that sure didn't sound like her.**

**GT: but i think it's more likely that you made it all up cause you know i like that movie.**

**GT: so i tip my cap to you, well played miss troll!**

**GA: Now Im Wondering If You Might Be Trolling Me As Well**

**GT: ok well, just between you and me...**

**GT: SOMEONE here is getting trolled.**

**GT: and it just might be all three of us.**

**GA: Okay**

**GT: but you shoulda told me you liked little monsters!**

**GT: we could jam about that. what was your favorite part?**

**GA: Suspicions Pitching Once Again Toward The Conclusion That You Are Just Very Stupid**

**GT: i really want to get a little monsters poster, but they're hard to find!**

**GT: i asked my dad for one for christmas. fingers crossed!**

**GA: Im Guessing Thats The Human Equivalent Of 12th Perigees Eve**

**GA: Will Your Adult Human Custodian Forage For Leavings As Ours Do**

**GT: yup, that sure keeps sounding alien of you.**

**GT: keep up the good work!**

**GT: listen, i'm kind of busy, i have to wrap this present and mail it in a hurry.**

**GT: so i'm going to block you!**

**GT: but i might unblock you again soon, because you're kinda cool.**

**GA: Your Blocks Mean Nothing But Dont Worry You Wont Hear From Me Again**

**GT: yeah well...**

**GT: you might just hear from me!**

**GT: also, you should give rose another chance.**

**GT: she is really great! whatever she did, she was probably just pulling her mind games on you, it's all in fun.**

**GT: there is more to her than that, you'll see.**

**GT: bye!**

**ghostyTrickster ****[GT]** **blocked grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]**

But just as John stood up to wrap his present to Jade, someone else started pestering him. "AUGH!" he yelled. "Stupid trolls." It looked like the package was going to be late.


End file.
